"You do remember that I discharged you this morning, right? Or are we adding 'amnesia' to your list of symptoms?"
After a long day of catching up on my lessons with various officers, taking time to study in between, leading a few small training classes under the close supervision of Spock, and finding time to grab food whenever I could, it was surprisingly nice to hear Bones' sarcastic candor as I strolled into med bay.
"Hello to you too, Bones. And yes, I do remember that you discharged me this morning." I strode up to where he was entering data on a handheld tablet, stopping before him and tucking my hands behind my back just beneath the duffel bag that was slung across my chest.
He looked up from the screen, brows drawn together as he took me in from head to toe. "Is everything alright? Are you feeling okay?"
"Everything's fine, I feel okay. Still some shooting pain from my headache every now and then, but not nearly as bad as last night." I started fidgeting with my fingers behind my back, knowing that I'd have to articulate what I wanted to ask in the coming seconds.
"And your day was okay? Nothing out of the ordinary?"
"Yes, it's just … " I looked around at the other patients, doctors and nurses going about their usual routines. They were probably quite uninterested in our conversation, but it was a topic I had a hard enough time breaching with Bones himself, let alone a dozen or so strangers. "Do you think we could talk in private?"
The doctor's eyes shifted around before landing back on me, his face a mix of puzzlement and concern. "Of course. Right this way, cadet."
He led me to an unoccupied exam room, and as soon as the door whooshed shut behind us, I barreled ahead with what I had been struggling to say a minute before.
"I don't want to stay in my quarters. It's just, I don't want … I don't want to be there and feel … It's not that I — "
"You don't need to explain, Aria. I understand. Of course you can stay here. I can assign you to one of the extended stay rooms. Given the intensity of your most recent episodes, it's a good idea to have you close by in case, god forbid, something were to happen that was worse."
I nodded slowly, my eyes darting around the room as my heart continued to race even though the worst of it was over and Bones had agreed far more quickly than I'd expected with little to no real explanation on my part.
"Thank you, Bones. I appreciate it more than you know."
With a tight-lipped smile and nod, he lifted his tablet back up and began pressing around on it with one finger. "I'll put the order in now. I've already got a room in mind, so we can head that way now and make sure —"
"Doctor McCoy to med bay, doctor McCoy to med bay."
He rolled his eyes, mumbling some choice, colorful words under his breath as he angrily finished entering information into the tablet with fiercer finger jabs than he had before. "I am in med bay, I'm just with a patient. You know, carrying out my actual duties as a damn doctor. "
I chuckled softly to myself and followed his lead as he tucked the tablet under his arm and made his way to the door. I followed behind him as it slid open, my mind wandering to what I would still need to retrieve from my quarters and bring to my new accommodations. It was as I was aimlessly looking at the well-polished floor that I didn't see Bones come to a stop in front of me. I ran into the doctor's back, startled and embarrassed as I looked up to find Spock standing in front of us, his face as austere as ever.
"Doctor McCoy, cadet. Has there been a problem since you were discharged this morning?"
My anxiety hitched for a moment as I realized I would need to find a way to explain what I was doing in med bay without needing any sort of medical assistance. I fidgeted with the strap of my duffle bag for a moment before finding my voice.
"No, no problem, I was just —"
"What can I do for you, Spock? It's late, and I was just about to go attempt to find some grub here after assisting the cadet."
"That will not be possible at this time, doctor. The captain has requested your presence at a meeting with a select few officers. I will also be in attendance, and have come here to escort you as the meeting is due to commence as soon as possible."
The mention of Jim was enough to reassure myself that I had made the right decision by asking Bones for a permanent residence in med bay. With our contact being expressly restricted and our interactions with one another ill advised with the board's unspoken contempt for our relationship, I was doomed to lead an even lonelier existence aboard the ship. Being able to come to med bay and not have to face the crippling emptiness and quietness of my own quarters was a small victory against the new, yet familiar ache in my chest.
"Of course it's happening right this very second. Who needs to eat, right?" The doctor shot the Vulcan a withering glare before turning his attention back to me. "If you'll excuse me, cadet, it seems I have an order to follow. If you —"
"The cadet's presence, doctor, is also requested. If you will both follow me, we can ensure that the meeting is started as soon as possible so you may assuage your hunger."
My mind raced as we followed Spock out of med bay and into the turbolift. I silently thanked myself for having already eaten and taken my freshly prescribed regimen of medications before heading down to med bay. I tried to take a few deep, calming breaths as I stood in the lift behind both Spock and Bones. My heart was beating against my chest with such total abandon that I was sure they could both hear it.
Jim and I had been clearly and officially told to stay away from each other just over twenty four hours ago. Had I thought I would be facing him again any time soon? No. Did I want the first time seeing him to be in a room with other officers? No. Was I even remotely prepared to hear him speak? To look at him? To be reminded so soon of just how badly it hurt to know that we were not, and could not be together?
The doors slid open and I was moving again, following closely behind Spock and Bones down a hallway that looked similar to all the others on the ship, but slightly dimmer. This was an unknown level to me — it seemed mostly unused, a majority of the rooms dark through the windows on their doors. My heart leapt into my throat as I watched Spock come to a stop outside of the only door that had light shining through the glass. I braced myself as best as I could as I watched his finger hit the keypad.
Both officers entered before me, perhaps unaware of how difficult it would be for me to walk into the room at all. With shaking hands, sweaty palms and a tight knot in my chest, I made my feet move forward through the threshold and quickly took in who was seated around the small conference table. Bones moved to sit next to Scotty, while the tall, lean Vulcan opted to take the seat at the head of the table closest to the door. That left one open spot directly next to Uhura at the opposite end of the table, which is where Jim sat chatting quietly with Scotty, those wintry blue eyes not locked on to me yet. I swallowed hard and walked towards the empty seat, working hard to try and calm the erratic beating in my chest.
All I could do was hyper-focus on the simple task at hand. Walk the short distance to the chair without tripping or bumping into anything or anyone, pull out said chair, carefully sit down and scoot myself in. Oh, and then make direct eye contact with the captain who no more than twenty four hours ago was told to relinquish all duties pertaining to overseeing my assignment on the Enterprise — an underhanded yet clear way of telling us both to not so much as breathe the same air on the same level of the ship or risk being reprimanded to the fullest extent of Starfleet's code.
As I pulled my chair into the table and settled myself in, I took a second to revel in the fact that I had successfully accomplished each little step in seating myself with no telltale embarrassment as a result of my raging anxiety. With my eyes still lingering on the tabletop in front of me, I drew in a quick breath in an effort to brace myself, sitting up ramrod straight and preparing to face Jim for the first time since the disastrous meeting yesterday morning.
Flicking my gaze up, I briefly made eye contact with Scotty, who gave me a small, kind smile before I shifted my head towards the head of the table and took in Jim for the first time since so much had unraveled between us the day before. The clear blue eyes I had come to find comfort in were fixed on me, intent with emotion that I couldn't quite place.
"Bones," Jim didn't shift his focus from me as he spoke, his voice strong and even, "Aria, thank you both for joining us on such incredibly short notice. You'll notice that this gathering does not follow standard protocol. This meeting is off the record. It is not being documented in any report. If that fact is something that makes you uncomfortable, this is your opportunity to leave."
I watched as his blue eyes roved over every face in the room, briefly pausing on mine a bit longer than the rest before taking a small breath and continuing. "Know that your discretion regarding this mission and your subsequent participation does not go unnoticed and is greatly appreciated." He sat up further in his chair, if that was possible, his posture and demeanor exuding every last bit of authority and confidence that his position demanded. An image of how we had spent our last moments together off ship suddenly flashed through me, the relaxed, amorous man in my memory at odds with the stoic, rigid person before me.
"You have all been gathered here as each of you have brought to my attention at one time or another information or observations regarding Aria and her presence aboard the Enterprise." A sharp twist shot through my gut as I considered who all was here.
Jim and Bones were of course deeply clued into what had been going on, and it wasn't much of a shock that Spock had ascertained more about the situation than he'd let on. Scotty was a bit more of a surprise, but seeing as I'd leaned on him heavily when I'd first come aboard and he had helped Jim organize his overly ambitious and idyllic overnight getaway with me, his presence made sense. Uhura's attendance was completely unexpected, and feelings of relief and mortification shot through me at the realization that she had insights into my situation of which I was wholly unaware.
"The purpose of having us all together in the same room is to attempt to determine if there is a concrete correlation between the purpose of this mission and the unusual circumstances that have continued to arise with Aria's presence aboard the ship. Bones, if you could start us off, please."
My eyes shifted to the doctor's face that was fraught with unease. His hard gaze shifted around to each person seated around the table before he spoke with knitted eyebrows and frowning lips. "Everyone in this room is aware of the incident that occurred on Yorktown before our departure on this mission. Aria was attacked by two assailants that are still, to this day, unknown, thanks to the complete and utter lack of assistance from Starfleet's investigation, which in my humble opinion does not exist. What you all may not be aware of is that when I attempted to access Aria's medical file, it was mostly restricted, marked as classified. The only information I could glean was the absolute bare minimum information, including her blood type which was listed as unknown."
As Bones' paused in his stern relaying of information, I did my best to fight the heat rising in my cheeks. My jaw clenched as everyone in the room was intent on hearing what the doctor had to say. There was more coming as he took a breath and prepared to continue. I swallowed hard and kept my gaze trained on him as started speaking again, his eyes shifting to each person in equal intervals.
"Aria started experiencing sudden, crippling attacks a few weeks ago, different from her usual PTSD symptoms she's been dealing with since the incident on Yorktown occurred." My hands gripped each other tightly underneath the table as my leg started to move up and down at a rapid pace. While most people in this room had bore witness to the unpredictable force that overcame me at the most inconvenient times, it felt far too revealing and personal to have a doctor discussing it in front of me and my superiors.
"There is no medical explanation for these attacks. I have tried and failed to document any quantitative data from her as she's experiencing them to no avail. Command sent an unsolicited prescription that they claimed would help manage these episodes. When I attempted to analyze the pills and their contents, the results were classified. I have left the decision to take the prescription up to Aria, as I cannot in good conscience as a doctor have a patient blindly take pills of which the contents are unknown. After taking into consideration the Yorktown incident which command refuses to properly investigate, the unknown prescription and the increasing frequency and intensity of these attacks, as well as the vague parameters of this mission divulged to me by both the captain and commander Spock, I have reason to believe that the strongest hypothesis I've created may in fact be true."
Everything in my body stilled as I waited to hear this new reasoning Bones had to offer. While I had some idea that he was trying to parse out what was going on with me medically, I had no idea he had reached several explanations as to why I was going through what I was going through. My leg continued its nervous, rapid movement up and down as I looked on at Bones, concern and apprehension crossing his face before he began to convey his possible explanation to the room.
"With supporting information from Uhura, Scotty, Spock, and well, everyone in this room, I believe that the attack on Yorktown occurred to cover up an injection that was administered to Aria. The thorough and unbelievable beating she received would've masked any injection site that was present. Her unknown blood type makes it impossible for me to determine how or what kind of injection might affect her, leading me to believe that whatever it was is causing these increasingly intense attacks to become more frequent. I can only assume the prescription will aid and act as a catalyst for worsening attacks and symptoms."
Nausea shot through me as bile rose suddenly in my throat. My fingernails dug into the flesh of my hands as my mind attempted to understand what Bones had just said. The lights above me started to pulse in and out in time with the erratic, wild beating of my heart. Blackness formed at the edges of my vision. Cold sweat broke out at the back of my neck and forehead, sending uncomfortable shivers through my body. My eyes were stuck on Bones, wide and unbelieving.
"While the probability of the doctor's hypothesis being true is low, it is the only explanation that has been upheld after taking into consideration all of the information presented by all parties present." The sound of Spock's unfeeling voice had my head slowly turning in his direction, disbelieve still flooding my body and hampering my senses. "I have supplied the doctor with my analysis and logical interpretation of the undefined nature of this mission. While the parameters were originally set as a routine and ordinary exploration of unknown space with no specific agenda, it has become clear that with the continuous alterations of our course and the discovery of an abandoned and conveniently forgotten Starfleet outpost on a planet that was supposed to have been unexplored, that there are other objectives at play. These facts serve to supplement the doctor's knowledge, and I have come to the conclusion that while the cadet's accompaniment on this mission may have been a direct result of the captain's action, it has aided in Starfleet's purpose to utilize her as a guide to their unknown objective."
"I'm, I'm some kind of beacon?" I was going to be sick. I was going to throw up all over the table or pass out or both. Everything in my vision throbbed, and I had to place one of my hands on the table in a meager effort to ground myself as everything felt as though it was spiraling out of control. I was vaguely aware of the shaking in my fingertips as I stared at the Vulcan, balking at every word that came out of his emotionless mouth.
"That is correct. With the information provided by every individual in this room, this explanation utilizes logic, reason and the facts thoroughly. If the captain had not advocated for your participation in this mission, it would likely not have altered the vague nature of this mission. Doctor McCoy also believes that while you were most likely injected with some kind of unknown agent, a blood sample was also obtained, and more than likely it would not have been the first sample they would have received."
Somewhere deep and far off in my brain, his emotionless words registered and made sense. "My previous enrollment in the academy … " I didn't know if I spoke the words out loud or in my own head. As my eyes darted around aimlessly on the table, trying to connect the dots that were just out of my grasp in my mind, Spock spoke again.
"That is most likely when they previously obtained a sample. As this meeting has been assembled to determine a course of action forward based on all available information, I find it imperative, cadet, that you disclose the details of your upbringing as an orphan."
It felt as though hands were gripping my throat, choking the air from my lungs. The sensation of five pairs of eyes being trained on me had me getting ready to shoot up from my chair and run for the door. I had never discussed the subject of my childhood with Jim, and was not prepared to divulge the painful, haunting trauma to a room full of loose acquaintances at best. I tried to protest, to refuse, to object resolutely, but my lips struggled to find words, to remember how to speak. Bile churned, and I was desperately drowning inside of myself in front of five other people.
A warm, solid touch on my leg pulled my focus from my inner turmoil back into the present, tension-filled room. Jim had reached out and placed his hand over the one I had placed just above my knee, where my fingernails had been digging fiercely into the bare skin for several minutes now. His fingers wrapped around my hand, and he gave it a strong, reassuring squeeze before his thumb started to trace small, comforting circles that had me slowly releasing my nails from my own flesh.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him for the fear that I would shatter completely. The tears I was barely managing to hold in would spring free, and I'd fling my arms around his neck, drawing myself into his lap in an effort to hide away from the world, from these new realizations, from the reality of what was being proposed as Starfleet's true intentions. I let the thought of doing that soothe me, and paired with the solid presence of his hand on mine, it was enough to bring myself to try and speak. With a deep, settling breath and a brief closing of my eyes to gather my thoughts, I found my composure and dissociated from myself enough to share what I hoped would be the absolute bare minimum amount of information.
"My earliest memory is crying on a shuttle on its way to Earth. I remember being told by people that looked like me, with golden skin and hair, that something terrible had happened to my parents and that it was in my best interest to be brought to Earth, far away from my own people and what had befallen my parents, who were to my knowledge my only family."
Another squeeze from Jim's hand gave me the smallest bit of courage I needed to continue on after taking a pause for another shaking, settling breath in and out of parted lips.
"The shuttle landed in some remote, deserted place, far away from any other person or civilization. I begged them, pleaded with them to not leave me alone, to help me find somewhere to go, somewhere to stay, somewhere I could be safe, but they just closed the door and flew off, leaving me crying alone in the middle of nowhere. I spent the rest of my childhood just trying to survive. I had to learn to find shelter, to be resourceful and find food, find drinkable water … I had to learn how to defend myself, to protect myself. People, so many people tried to hurt me, tried to take advantage of me … "
My head dropped, my eyes squeezing shut as the memories gripped me. Women trying to coerce me into their lewd businesses, men trying to force themselves on me, kids looking to pick a fight with me, bullying me … Memories I had worked my whole life to suppress sprang freely into my mind as if they had just happened yesterday. I clenched my jaw as hard as I could in an effort to keep myself from falling apart into hundreds of tiny, broken pieces in front of everyone. A few tears spilled from my eyes, and I felt them hit the bare skin of my legs.
Jim leaned in closer, his chair rolling so he could be right by my side. His other hand came to rest on my back, and I could feel his breath on the side of my face as he spoke softly into my ear, just to me.
"It's okay. You're okay. You don't have to go on if you don't want to. You can stop. You've shared enough." The circling of his thumb on my hand moved in time with the gentle rubbing of his hand on my back. It occurred to me then that if he was willing to go so far to comfort me in front of so many of his officers, granted they were his closest officers, that he was serious. That this was serious. He was willing to risk his position just to offer me the smallest bit of reassurance as I bared the darkest part of myself to a group of people I barely knew, and who barely knew me. I was important enough to him that he wanted to try and make it okay, wanted to try and make it the tiniest bit better given my sudden personal exposure that made me feel sick to my stomach.
I found it in myself to continue with the help of Jim's small gestures of support and my own resolve — getting what I could out of me and into the open for once in my life. I had never shared any part of my past with anyone before this moment, and I knew it would give me the smallest piece of catharsis to get what I could off of my chest, out of my mind and into the ears of others.
"It's how I became so proficient in fighting. I had to teach myself self defense, how to be observant of every last detail, how to analyze a situation and know how to give myself the highest chance of survival. That's how I spent my formative years. Doing my best to keep myself alive. It was when I found myself on the west coast, near San Francisco when a representative from the academy approached me after a particularly nasty brawl on the streets one day. I thought it serendipitous at the time, a stroke of luck that I was being offered a chance at an education, a way to get off the streets and finally start to forge a meaningful existence. Well, after a year, the olive branch they had so generously extended was ripped away. They expelled me for not having a valid expertise, leaving me to survive alone on the streets again."
The silence after I finished revealing my small list of revelations was filled by Spock. "It is highly probable you were specifically sought out for your heritage, for reasons that are still unknown to us, but more than likely known to the academy. Your expulsion was probably due to the fact that they took a blood sample upon your entry, learned information they found useful, and for reasons we do not know, removed you promptly. It would seem that the captain inadvertently brought you back to their attention after years had passed, and perhaps they had enough of a plan formed that they seized the opportunity before you disappeared again entirely."
I looked up from the hands in my lap to meet Spock's gaze as he spoke his logic-laced words in his usual flat, monotone voice. It was just as I was about to ask him a question that Uhura spoke for the first time since the meeting had begun what felt like hours ago.
"Now feels like as good a time as any to mention that I have intercepted messages on old, unused frequencies between high-ranking members of command and the academy discussing something code named Lost Guardian. There are never a lot of details included in the messages, just the code name and mentions of planning, reevaluation and setbacks."
"How poetic," Bones mumbled, his arms folded tightly across his chest. I could see Jim nodding slowly out of the corner of my eye. He hadn't moved an inch since he'd scooted closer to me, both of his hands remaining stalwart to their duties of offering me as much comfort as they could with his touch, and his touch alone.
"Aye, I want to let you all know that I have direct orders from command to provide them with all the data regarding what the Enterprise comes across. That means detailed outputs of anything and everythin' — from the smallest rock, to planets, to stars, to any anomalies. You have also been getting these reports, captain, but they had ordered me to ensure they received them first. I apologize for not tell ye' sooner, I had no idea how this all might be related, and it isn't in me to be keepin' things from you. It seemed like an okay, legitimate request that wouldn't hurt, and I can see now that it most likely is. I'm sorry, captain."
Secret transmissions regarding a code name that no one knew of, reporting data to command first before the captain of the damn ship had an opportunity to review it and analyze it, coupled with everything Bones and Spock had gleaned and my admission about being intentionally dumped on Earth to fend for myself, only to have the academy seek me out when I was of age … There was so much at play surrounding my being aboard the ship for this mission. It was too much. Too overwhelming, too detrimental to too many people that were now at risk for being a part of this meeting, going behind command's back and attempting to figure out what secrets they were hiding.
"Thank you, Uhura and Scoty, for divulging information that will prove to be incredibly important as we try to ascertain what exactly is going on with command, the academy, Aria and this mission."
I watched as the two officers nodded back at their captain with matching tight-lipped smiles and grim expressions. Jim was just getting ready to speak again, drawing in a breath from beside me when Bones interjected first, his arms still folded firmly across his chest.
"It should also be noted that Aria's attacks have never occurred in the presence of our valiant captain here — another anomaly I have yet to figure out. While it isn't lost on me that the board wants to drive a wedge between the two of you for your unprofessional relationship, I'm beginning to think that they are looking to keep you symptomatic if you are in fact some sort of human beacon as Spock suggests. That being said, how have you been feeling since being in this meeting?"
Well, that must have just about covered it as far as airing out every last piece of information regarding what had happened over the course of my time on the Enterprise. Feeling even more exposed, if that was possible, I swallowed against the new lump in my throat and turned to look at Jim for the first time since I'd first sat down at the table. His eyes were fixed on me, filled with nothing but kindness and concern. The permanent tiredness that always lingered under his eyes was still there, but less prevalent somehow. He gave my hand a squeeze and offered me the tiniest trace of a smirk as I found it in myself to answer Bones, not taking my gaze off of Jim.
"Better than I've felt in the past day. Better than the medication makes me feel. I feel good. I feel like me."
"Go figure." Bones leaned back in his chair as he let out a loud sigh, glancing around at everyone seated at the table before settling his gaze on Jim. "So, now that all of that is out on the damn table, what the hell are we going to do?"
Silence fell over the room as the question settled heavily on everyone. How anyone would begin to answer was beyond me. The only thoughts that surfaced in my mind were snagged on the mention of the Lost Guardian code name and the supposed mystery injection I'd received from two men who might have worked for command or the board itself. The two new pieces of information had sent me spiraling into what they could possibly mean, what their implications were. I couldn't even begin to try and unpack everything that had just been revealed in this meeting. It would have to be someone else with an answer. Someone like Spock, who could string together a series of logical thoughts and their outcomes without batting an unblinking eye.
To my surprise it was Jim who rose to the occasion of answering Bones' seismic question. He sat up straight, his hand sliding from my back before addressing the room with a tone of authority that came second nature to him.
"It's obvious that we are going to have to try to beat command and the board to whatever it is they're looking for out here in space, and figure out what exactly it has to do with Aria. We need a physical answer and a correlation. Scotty, I want you to perform a critical analysis on the Enterprise's course every day, and report back to me before you send it off to command."
"Aye capt'n."
"Uhura, keep an ear on those unused frequencies in an effort to stay on top of any more cryptic messages that may be sent over them. The second you hear something, I want to know about it."
"Understood, captain."
"Spock, I want you to perform every bit of research you can on ancient races that may be obscure or lost to the sands of time. There has to be something out there we're missing, and if anyone can find something, it would be you."
"I will do my best, captain, and utilize every resource at my disposal to accomplish this task."
"And Bones, I need you to monitor Aria's symptoms closely and inform me immediately if they begin to worsen."
The doctor flicked his gaze to his captain, his countenance lightening ever so slightly as he leaned forward in his chair, his arms still folded tightly across his chest.
"That reminds me — the cadet now has a permanent residence in med bay as of tonight. And since you are the only answer to her episodes as of now, it should be made known that you, as captain of this ship, and myself being the officer in charge of the patients, will be able to see and spend time with the cadet as you see fit. I'll be damned if a board of stiff-necked old fogies is going to dictate who can and can't see my patients. Plus, what they don't know certainly isn't going to hurt 'em."
Jim offered his close friend a small smile of appreciation and a few nods. "I certainly appreciate the thought, Bones. We'll play it by ear and see how everything goes in the next few days. I, of course, want to ease any unnecessary pain that I can while playing the game the board has laid out as cleanly and by the rules as possible. We don't want to push them too much too fast after they've just ruled with an iron fist." He paused briefly, and with a squeeze of his hand on my leg and deep breath, he sat up straighter and hardened his gaze as it roved over each of the officers seated at the table.
"The debrief I was expecting to receive from command today has been delayed until tomorrow. I will see to it that we are all kept on the same page as covertly as possible. Your participation and discretion regarding this most unusual and uniquely personal matter is deeply appreciated. I've kept you all too long already, and risking your positions with your involvement is already a stake that I wish we didn't have raise. You can all expect some kind of update tomorrow. Keep me as informed as possible, when possible. I thank you all, truly. Dismissed."
Each officer offered their captain a quick nod before scooting out from the table and heading towards the door. Jim and I stood up together in unison, his hand offering me one last small caress on my leg before our physical contact had to be broken. I took a few quick seconds to straighten the hem of my dress and smooth over freshly formed wrinkles before steeling myself to follow Bones, the last officer remaining in the room, out the door and back to my strange new reality of taking up residence in med bay.
As I was about to break the threshold and step out into the half-lit hallway, Bones tapped the keypad on the wall, darkening the conference room with Jim and I still inside. "Aria, a word, please."
The sound of Jim's authoritative and firm voice sent a wave of surprise through me. My feet stopped just shy of the door, and I met Bones' eyeline for a fraction of a moment before I turned around to face Jim. Understanding and a hint of suspicion filled his hazel eyes. With the furrowing of his brows and a quick glance at the captain behind me, he let out a disgruntled sigh. "I'll be waiting for you in med bay to help get you situated."
"Thank you, Bones." The soft sound of my gratitude was aimed at the doctor's back as he strode away down the hallway, offering a small wave over his shoulder before the sight of him was lost behind the closing of the door. The sudden darkness of the room and the realization that Jim and I were alone, a fact that would've had the board launching me back to Yorktown in an instant, sent my heart racing manically.
I turned around slowly, bracing myself for facing Jim alone — something I was utterly unprepared and thrilled by. Everything in my world snagged as my eyes took in the man that was standing just a few short steps away from me in the dark, silent room. Tears were pooled in his eyes, completely at odds with the strong posture he still carried from the conclusion of the meeting.
"I want you to know that I would give anything to be able to stay with you, to ease your pain and keep your attacks at bay. It kills me, absolutely kills me to have to walk away from you, to have to leave this room and not be able to go with you. To not be able to help you and comfort you and be there for you … I hate it. I hate every second of it, and you will never know how much anger this whole situation fills me with. It is unending."
Every word tightened something in my chest. Water surged up to my eyes as I watched his emotion shake him from the very core of his being. With deliberate slowness, I closed what little distance remained between us. Drawing in a shaking, settling breath, I reached up and placed a quivering hand on the warm, ever-so stubbled skin of his cheek. The sensation was a pleasant shock to my system, causing a small sigh to escape my lips as I gradually brought my gaze up to him.
"I know, Jim. I know." I watched his eyes close at my touch and my words. Teardrops spilled down his cheeks, wetting his beautiful lashes before they made their descent down his face, hitting my hand as I tried uselessly to offer him what comfort I could with the gentle caressing of my thumb. This could not drag on. This could not linger. Every second we spent living in this false reality of togetherness would hurt us both even more than we already were. I knew it was on me to make this quick, to have it be over before it could begin again.
Craning my neck upwards, I pressed my lips onto his as softly and sweetly as I could manage. I let it continue on far longer than I should've, allowing us this one moment before we both stepped out and into a great unknown that terrified us both. He stood perfectly still, and the restraint it took for him to remain motionless was not lost on me. When our lips parted after what could've been a handful of seconds or minutes, we looked into each other's eyes, our gazes searching, our mouths unspeaking.
Pulling my hand away from his cheek felt like tearing apart two magnets with unbelievably strong attraction that wanted nothing more than to be stuck together forever. We stared at each other in silence for a few more fleeting moments before I forced myself to turn away from his teary eyes and walk towards the door, my own face wet with fallen tears.
Before I could give myself the opportunity to pause, to make another decision that would end up making this hurt even worse for both of us, I forced myself to press the keypad and open the door. As I stepped into the threshold, I turned over my shoulder to take one last look at the one person who possessed the ability to make everything better only as we were risking what little proximity we were still being afforded.
We stared at each other, the silence around us a lie as unspoken words hung heavy in the air between us. I turned and walked down the hallway at a fast clip, more tears coming as everything that I wanted to say to him swirled around in my mind, making me feel conflicted and sick. Stumbling into the turbolift, I pressed the floor to med bay as quickly as I could manage in an effort to avoid seeing whether he would come down the hallway after me or not.
As the doors slid closed, I saw a blur of dark gold uniform rush out of the conference room and come to a sudden halt as he watched the lift begin to move. I kept my posture ramrod straight, my hands clasped behind my back in an effort to use formality as a way to regain my composure. I painfully swallowed the sobs that fought to escape my mouth. I kept my lips shut, letting tears flow silently down my cheeks as I stared up at the ticking numbers of the floors.
Survive this lift ride. Compose myself before reaching med bay. Find Bones and get situated in my new room. Make it through the night without falling apart completely. Face tomorrow and what the debrief from command would bring. The list seemed simple in mind, easy even. Actually doing it would be something else entirely. The lift began to slow, and I hastily wiped my eyes with the back of my hand before clasping them together in front of me.
As the doors opened, the throb in my head that had been assuaged by Jim's presence during the meeting returned. The pain was beginning to flood back, and I made myself put one foot in front of the other at a normal pace as I stepped into the comforting, dim light of med bay. One day at a time. Attempt to sleep, gather whatever strength I could, take meds and survive — what a struggle of a life I had come to lead, while being so close to the joy and happiness of the life that I wanted so desperately to be able to lead.