Chapter 12 – Revelations
Author's Note: In which Obi-Wan talks to Custos again. :)
~ Amina Gila
Obi-Wan feels an odd sense of trepidation as he walks through the halls of the Temple, approaching the prison level where Custos is contained. He needs to see the Sith, needs to talk to him, to try and understand the influence that he has over Ani and Anakin both. But he is still unsettled from his conversations with Anakin, Ani, and Ahsoka. He feels as if there's something he's missing, something which, if he knew, would make everything make sense, but he doesn't know what that something could be.
Whether he likes it or not – and he really doesn't – he has to accept that Custos was right when he talked to him yesterday.
"You don't understand him, how he thinks and feel."
But Custos implied that he understood Anakin, and though Obi-Wan hates to admit it, he's beginning to wonder if it's the truth, if he does understand and see something in Anakin which Obi-Wan himself does not. Why is there such a difference between them, especially when they had such similar lives? They were both raised as Jedi, so what makes Custos so much more able to understand Anakin when Obi-Wan raised him?
He doesn't like it, and yes, he is upset, even if he shouldn't be. He is jealous that Custos was able to take Anakin's trust and affection so easily. It shouldn't bother him, but it does. It's simply another weakness, another manifestation of his deepest attachment. He needs to meditate and let it go, and he will, in due time, when he gets the chance. But for now, he needs answers.
Custos is lying on the cot when Obi-Wan gets there, though he's not sleeping, eyes open and tracing over the ceiling. He sits up when Obi-Wan stops in front of the ray shield, looking in at him. It is so unnerving to see him here, to see the same face, albeit younger and more hardened, staring back at him. For all that Anakin and Ani are getting along, Obi-Wan thinks that it would be very unsettling to have such a close connection to someone else.
"You're back," Custos states flatly, as if that wasn't already obvious. "What do you want now?"
"Answers," Obi-Wan replies simply. "Why was Anakin staying in your cabin?"
Custos raises an eyebrow, and Obi-Wan really dislikes how discerning he can be. He hates feeling so exposed, hates how his weaknesses can be used against him by this person who knows him so intimately. It's unnatural. "Are you asking because you care or because you're trying to discern what my evil intentions are?" He sounds amused, which irks Obi-Wan even more.
"Both," he grits out. No one can push his buttons like the man in front of him. In fact, if it was up to him, he would never come back here, leaving Custos to whatever fate the Council has in store for him. He can't do that though, not when Ani is being so obviously hurt by it.
... Anakin has been a wreck yesterday.
And that. It reminds him of what Custos said to him yesterday when he was here, how he accused Obi-Wan of not wanting Anakin to be around him, because he doesn't want to let his former Padawan go. Custos claimed that he's selfish, not wanting to "let Anakin find emotional support from someone else." It's not true; Anakin has always been fine in the past, so there's no way that Custos magically discovered some insecurity which never existed before.
Anakin has always been fine with Obi-Wan. They were fine until Custos appeared, causing problems for the sake of it. He's a Sith. He can't be trusted. Even now, Obi-Wan questions what his end goal is. Does he want to take Anakin away from the Order, from his family and friends because he can? Or is there something else? Or, a quiet part of his mind whispers, does he see something that you never have, and does he have Anakin's best interests in mind?
It stings, and he brushes it aside, unwilling to show weakness to the Sith before him.
Custos hums. "Anakin stayed because I asked him to," he replies slowly, guardedly.
"Why?" demands Obi-Wan.
"He needed it," Custos answers cryptically. "Did you ask him about it?"
Obi-Wan glowers at him. "I already talked to him, but he was not very forthcoming with any information. Ani was more so."
"How is he?" Custos asks instantly, concern flitting across his face.
"He's... handling it," Obi-Wan replies carefully. "Ahsoka and Anakin have been taking care of him." He feels like he should say something else, but he doesn't know what. Custos does appear to genuinely care for Ani, and Obi-Wan sees no reason to doubt that affection.
Custos nods but doesn't relax. "As for Anakin, I'm not surprised. You're not there when he needs you. You don't understand him."
Anakin said the same thing, and maybe that's why Obi-Wan begins to lose his temper. "People keep saying that, but I have no idea why," he snaps back, knowing that Custos will understand what he means by "people." It's an admission of weakness, he knows. If there's really a problem though, it probably matters more that he tries to fix it than that he tries to maintain his pride.
The Sith studies him with assessing blue-gray eyes. "You really don't know, do you," he murmurs pensively.
Then why's he so lonely?
"If I did," Obi-Wan hisses, "I wouldn't be saying anything."
Custos' expression is close to pitying, and that, more than anything, makes Obi-Wan furious. He's completely off-balance, and the proper thing to do would be to leave and meditate for a while until he calms down, but he doesn't want to do that. He knows how to control himself. He might be angry, but he won't let himself lose his composure completely.
"It's not something I can tell you," Custos replies, shaking his head. "I can't make you understand. I only do, because of what happened to me. We are not the same, Obi-Wan, not anymore, but I must confess that I never really thought that staying a Jedi was... changing me into a worse person."
Obi-Wan jolts back as if struck. "How can you say that?" he demands heatedly. "Being a Jedi meant everything to me, to us!"
Custos looks away for a moment. "How many times have you had to restrain yourself from doing something that you inherently feel is right because of the no-attachment rule, because of the Code? How many times have you meditated away feelings that you're not ready to cope with, because you literally don't know how?" He pauses, sighing. "We were never taught how to interact with people as people. We were never taught how to have a family. For all that the Jedi are similar in that they're all Jedi, they are not a family. They're an organization. It's different."
Obi-Wan frowns, feeling uncertain again, despite his anger at Custos speaking out against the Jedi. He's always been a Jedi, and he always will be a Jedi. It's that simple. "Being a Jedi means giving up one's personal desires for the greater good," Obi-Wan counters. "I cannot afford to indulge any desires of my own since it would detract from my ability to help others."
Custos shakes his head. "That's not true, and I think you know that somewhere inside of you. I thought you were incapable of change, but... perhaps I was wrong. I don't think you would have come to me if you weren't. I don't know why you're telling yourself you're here, but you know that you're really here because of Anakin, not the Council."
He feels some embarrassment rise, that this Sith was able to discern that so quickly, but it should be obvious: his greatest attachment, his greatest weakness will always be Anakin. "Change?" he repeats, thinking back over what Custos said. "What you mean by that? Why would I need to change?"
Custos is visibly wrestling with himself, so Obi-Wan gives him time to decide how to respond. "I'm not doing this – telling you this – for you," he says bluntly. "I'm doing this for Anakin. You are destroying him." His voice is grim, and there's a knowing in his blue-gray eyes that tells Obi-Wan he isn't guessing, not at this.
It reminds him of the wave of painconfusionhelplessness he'd felt though his bond with Anakin for a few moments the first night. He had almost gone to check on him, but he had been busy trying to report everything which had transpired, so he hadn't had time. Now, he wishes he had.
"I'm not," he states with far less conviction than he would like. If anything, he sounds disbelieving, because what Custos is saying isn't possible. That doesn't even make sense.
"You are," Custos reiterates firmly. "You're destroying him, and you don't even realize it. I think he does, but he doesn't want to accept it."
Then why's he so lonely?
"Why won't he talk to me then?" Obi-Wan demands, feeling hurt. How is he supposed to fix anything if he doesn't know what's wrong? He's barely had a chance to accept that anything even is wrong. Guilt and uncertainty mingle within him, and he knows that he'll require a very long meditation session when this is all over.
Custos makes a frustrated sound. "Because you aren't listening to him," he explains as if he's talking to a particularly dense individual. Obi-Wan rather takes offense to his attitude. "You're expecting him to listen to you. You're expecting him to fit into a preconceived mold and any deviations from what you consider "proper" behavior warrants rebuke."
"I don't do that," Obi-Wan retorts sharply. "If I rebuke him, it's because I'm trying to help him stay on the path of a Jedi."
The disbelieving look he receives sets him even more on edge. "That... is literally what I just said," Custos answers. "You expect him to act like your ideal model of a Jedi, and I know that I would have been exactly the same if I hadn't been taken by the Sith, but I have changed. I am no longer the same person I once was." It's... odd to see him speaking so openly, especially after how he was initially doing nothing but needling and getting angry.
Custos exhales harshly, shaking his head. "You never seem to have considered that Anakin will never be the Jedi you want him to be. He is too different. He always has been."
Though much of his words don't make sense, Obi-Wan has to agree with that statement. Anakin has always been different, and he always will be. His childhood made it impossible for him to fit in among the Jedi as one of them, at least not the same way the rest of them do. And he knows that Anakin long struggled when he was younger, but now, with the war going on, it's been hard to pay attention to any personal connections to anyone, regardless of who they are. It's only because of how skillful Anakin is – and Obi-Wan too – that they're still as close as they are.
"The war has been hard on everyone," Obi-Wan admits.
"Perhaps, but this is nothing new, not for him," Custos says. "What would you say Anakin's biggest weakness is?"
"He is... arrogant," Obi-Wan replies slowly, unsure where Custos is going with this and what he's trying to prove, if anything. "He is too sure of himself. He is prone to attachments as well, and he struggles to let go."
"Curious that you would say that," Custos comments mildly, "When I feel that Anakin's susceptibility to attachments is one of his greatest strengths. He loves more deeply and fiercely than anyone I have ever seen, but – do correct me if I am wrong – but I do not think it impacts his ability to function. He is able to maintain enough distance between what needs to be done and his emotions, so they do not cloud his judgement, but he always seeks to... help people."
"You determined all of that when he went to talk to you?" Obi-Wan asks dubiously.
Custos laughs, but there's no mirth in it. "Not... exactly. Some is inherent, and is likely as true in Anakin as it is in my son, but the rest..." He doesn't finish, and Obi-Wan has a horrible suspicion.
"He told you," he guesses, jealousy igniting suddenly. He pushes it down, forcing himself to dispel the wish that Anakin would come to him. He still doesn't really understand why. What Custos is saying doesn't really seem to make sense to him. Maybe it will once he meditates on it, he doesn't know.
The Sith narrows his eyes, a flicker of yellow dancing in their depths. "He knew I would never rebuke him for loving," he replies which is an answer in and of itself. "You really have no idea how fortunate you are, do you?"
Fortunate? That is not the word Obi-Wan would use, not when his closest friend seems to be becoming increasingly distant from him in favor of a Sith. "Is there some point to all of this?" he snaps finally, crossing his arms, "Because I feel like you're just trying to waste my time."
Custos rolls his eyes at him, though he actually seems annoyed now. "It isn't my fault that you are too blinded by the Jedi ideals to realize how much Anakin worships you," he bites back. "He would do anything – and I mean anything – you asked him to if you gave him... something in return."
The more he talks, the less sense he makes. Obi-Wan really wishes that he – or Anakin or someone – could come right out and say what they mean instead of talking in riddles, because he cannot read their minds and discern everything they're thinking and feeling. Worse yet, he thinks that it should be obvious, but it's not, because he has no idea. He doesn't want to ask though and make himself look even stupider than he probably already does.
Maybe what he needs to do is try to talk to Anakin again, but he doesn't want to do that today, or at least not right now. Anakin clearly needed some time to himself in the aftermath of their conversation earlier, and Obi-Wan doesn't want to push him too much. That would do far more harm than good.
"I need to leave now," Obi-Wan states, "But I will return later."
Custos gives him a meaningful look. "I hope you're able to see past the corruption of the Jedi before it's too late. You need to be honest with yourself about what you really want." With those words, he lays back on the bunk and returns to starting up at the ceiling.
Obi-Wan hopes that he's able to find answers. To do that though, he needs to meditate, something which might have to wait until later. More than likely, it will take more than one meditation session for him to uncover whatever it is that he needs to learn.
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