Chapter 17 – Reflections
Author's Note: In which Obi-Wan reflects and talks to Anakin. ^-^
~ Amina Gila
Obi-Wan takes first watch over Custos and Anakin, so he sits in the security center on the prison level, watching them through the cameras. He can hear their conversation, but he doesn't really feel too bad about listening in, since it's not as if they didn't already know that they were being observed. Besides, he's curious – and even more jealous than he was before.
Why does Anakin respond to Custos to readily? Why does he respond to him in a way that he has never responded to Obi-Wan? Why can a Sith get through to Anakin while the Jedi cannot? That, most of all, confuses him. What would make a Sith – a Fallen Jedi – so much more able to understand Anakin's conflict? Obi-Wan knows that Anakin has struggled with the Dark Side, but he never dreamed that Anakin would Fall; he'd always thought that Mortis was a fluke, something which would never be repeated.
If he wasn't in so much shock, he would probably be hurt that Anakin could betray the Jedi, betray everything he's ever been taught in such a manner. He and Anakin have argued in the past, but it was never anything like earlier. He's still a bit shaken over Anakin's harsh accusations, though he doesn't know if Anakin meant any of them, or if he said it to hurt him, to make him upset.
"Like you're one to talk. You're the one who is jealous for absolutely no reason. Maybe you wanted this to happen. Maybe you wanted the Council to imprison Custos so you could take his place."
It's not true, of course, because Obi-Wan would never do such a thing out of spite or pettiness. He's a Jedi. He is above those feelings. He lets go of his darker emotions and desires instead of acting on them. Perhaps, he wonders suddenly, that is why Custos is able to reach Anakin so easily – he doesn't let go of his emotions since he's a Sith; he embraces them, acts on them. He openly demonstrates his affection towards both Anakin and Ani, and that is not the Jedi way.
Is that what Anakin wants? Does he really desire a deeper emotional connection than he can rightfully get as a Jedi so much that he's willing to turn to a Sith? It seems outrageous, ludicrous even, but it also makes sense. Too much sense. Anakin has always been emotional by nature. He has long been driven by his emotions, feeling things far more deeply than anyone else Obi-Wan has ever known. Obi-Wan has done his best to discourage Anakin's attachments, but Custos seems to be doing the opposite. He was encouraging Anakin to use his attachment to someone – he really, really would like to know who – to bring himself back to the Light Side.
Did it work? Obi-Wan doesn't know, but he'll find out when he goes to speak to Anakin again. If it did, then everything Obi-Wan has ever believed will be thrown into doubt, so perhaps that is why he is putting off his visit. The Jedi teach that no one can turn back from the Dark Side, that someone who Falls will be irrevocably lost. Obi-Wan has never had a reason to doubt that, not even when he met Custos. But if Anakin has done so... then it means the Jedi's teachings are not always right. If Anakin's attachment to someone was enough to pull him back, then what does that say about how the Jedi view attachments?
It's not something Obi-Wan is very keen to consider since it risks uprooting everything that he has ever believed in. He didn't want to lock up Anakin like any other criminal, but given the situation, given the way Anakin seemed willing to fight his way through anyone between him and Custos, Obi-Wan had agreed with Windu. Imprisoning Anakin until he could be calmed down or otherwise dealt with was the best option. It would be ironic in a painful, bitter way if Custos was able to accomplish what Obi-Wan himself could not.
Perhaps he did though. The only way to find out is if Obi-Wan goes to speak to Anakin. He needs to do it eventually, but he'd wanted to wait until he could calm himself from what transpired. It's been nearly an hour by now, though, and Anakin has been quiet ever since his initial conversation with Custos. Perhaps it is now time to check on him and see how he's doing.
**w**
This isn't the first time that Anakin has been imprisoned somewhere with Force dampeners, and it's as uncomfortable as he remembers. He hates the way the Force feels distant and distorted. Force dampeners have never affected him the way they do other Jedi or Force users. Most are completely cut off, unable to reach outwards, even if they can still feel the Force flowing within them. Anakin, however, is different. He has always been different. He can still feel the Force outside his containment and being confined for too long leads to unpleasant side effects: mainly dizziness and exhaustion.
He doesn't want to know what might happen to him if he was cut off for longer than a couple days. His body probably could not sustain itself, being as the Force is literally what created him in the first place. That is... not something he wants to dwell on. Not now. Not ever.
It's been some time since Anakin talked to Custos since he reached out to touch the Sith through the Force. Here, in the relative solitude of the cell, Anakin can almost feel the Force more deeply in many ways. He can feel the way it makes up the metal all around him, even if that metal makes the Force flow sluggishly. Everything is part of the Force, and because of that, Anakin could – with an effort – rip apart the walls holding him in. It would not be ideal, but it could be done. He has never really done that in the past, preferring not to rely on his strong Force connection to such an extent, especially since honing it for such minute work is difficult.
He finally managed to let go of the Dark Side, his love for Obi-Wan outweighing his anger and desire for the power to destroy Sidious. This is not something he asked for; none of this was, but it is what it is, he supposes, and he did suggest this plan in the first place. He fears what he might do if he ever slips so badly again. Anakin knows that he is... not nearly as stable as he would like to think.
But that is nothing new really, is it? His mind has long been troubled by things or memories, especially from his past on Tatooine. The slightest things can off-balance him, sometimes, and no one else understands why he'll suddenly tense up and lash out for seemingly no reason. But Tatooine, slavery... they have been engrained into him. It was the only life he ever knew growing up as a child, and it's stuck with him all of these years. It's not something he can wash away or wipe away or forget, much as he might like to.
It's still jarring for him to realize that Custos does, to an extent, understand what he went through. To be sure, the Sith was never really a slave – only a prisoner of the Sith – but the experiences he's endured have been enough for him to... relate. That and the fact that Ani has undoubtedly spoken to him about his life and past. Anakin is alright with Custos knowing though, but he can't say the same about anyone else. Would Obi-Wan even be able to understand the way that slavery has shaped everything about Anakin, the way it still continues to define him until now?
As if summoned by his thoughts, Obi-Wan enters the prison; Anakin can sense him, can sense the way their bond flares stronger as the Jedi Master approaches. So, he sits up, straightening out of his previous position: curled against the wall in the corner. This will definitely not be a pleasant conversation, not after the one they had earlier, and Anakin knows that he really should apologize for what he said. And he will just not... now. Not while he's still a prisoner.
"Anakin," says Obi-Wan as he steps in front of the ray shield, hands clasped behind his back. He hesitates momentarily before continuing. "How are you feeling?"
Miserable, he thinks, though he would never say it. The guilt crushes him, and it feels like it could devour him whole. He Fell, even if that had been the plan, and Obi-Wan will be so disappointed in him. He knew that from the start, but accepting it conceptually is very different than facing it head-on. "I've been better," he replies instead. "A bit dizzy." Once he says it, he realizes how true it is. His head is spinning – probably from his use of the Force to reach out to Custos – and he feels a bit nauseous.
"You... don't seem as dark anymore," Obi-Wan notes.
A strangled laugh escapes from him. I'm not, he wants to say, I'm not Dark, Master. I had to do it, so I could get down here, but I don't want to be here either. Let us go. Please just let us go. "I don't – I don't know anymore," Anakin shrugs. "Maybe I'm getting better at hiding it."
Obi-Wan seems displeased. "You Fell. Your eyes were yellow for a short time."
For some reason, his mind fixates on that, wondering what he would look like with golden eyes. Would he look terrifying? Would he look as angry and vengeful as he sometimes feels? "I had to," Anakin answers, repeating the mantra that he's been echoing in his mind because he has to stick with this story. He can't slip out the truth to Obi-Wan or anyone for that matter. "You don't understand, Master." He lets out a breath, consciously letting go of the tension building within him. "I – I'm sorry... about what I said. It was out of line."
Something in Obi-Wan's expression seems to soften slightly. "I heard your conversation with Custos," he tells him.
Anakin feels resentful of that fact, even if he knew that they would be observed. "And what?" he demands, anger rising again. "Are you here to... chastise me? Scold me for Falling, for being weak enough to embrace the Dark Side?"
For a moment, his former master is quiet, studying him. "No." The answer takes him by surprise. "I was actually wondering if... using an attachment really helped you pull yourself back from the edge. You seem... calmer now."
He feels calmer, and he also feels horrified at himself for losing control so entirely. He would have fought Obi-Wan and Windu and anyone who stood in his way if he had his lightsaber. He might have seriously injured someone, and the worst part is that he wouldn't have cared at that point. The Dark Side is poison, and he has no idea how Custos survives it as he has.
"Yes," Anakin admits grudgingly, "It did help." He doesn't want to say anymore. He doesn't want Obi-Wan to ask for details because he could never admit how deep his attachment to his former master is. He could never confess that it was that love – despite all of the anger and resentment which Anakin feels, at times, towards him – which he used to bring himself back.
"I believe you," Obi-Wan is quick to assure him, "Because I can see the evidence for myself. But I am... I am admittedly surprised since it goes against everything the Jedi have taught."
"The Jedi are not always right," Anakin points out bluntly. It's an obvious reminder about Custos' imprisonment and separation from Ani.
"I know," Obi-Wan agrees, looking pained, "But you also know that I can do nothing, not to help you and not to help Custos without the Council's authorization."
"I wouldn't ask you to help me," Anakin mutters a bit petulantly because he wouldn't. Not once has he asked Obi-Wan's help for himself, at least not with respect to this matter. It has always been about Ani. Only Ani, even if Anakin would benefit indirectly.
Obi-Wan, it seems, chooses to ignore that comment. "Do you think the Jedi are wrong about attachments?"
It's a strange question, a loaded question, and Anakin feels like he's probably missing half of the sub contexts for it. "I – I could hardly answer that," he replies uneasily. "I'm not really the best person to ask, but there – the Jedi do seem to miss..." He pauses, gesturing as he tries to put his thoughts into words. "They miss a lot, because of their... restrictions," he finally settles on.
Obi-Wan's expression could probably best be described as dubious. Or maybe it's incredulous. Anakin isn't even sure. "Jedi remain detached from others, so they do not fall victim to their attachments, thereby sacrificing many for only a few." He isn't arguing exactly; he's more restating what they have always been told. "There is a lot of pressure put on Jedi to sever all of their attachments, even between masters and Padawans. They have to let go of one another for the greater good."
From Obi-Wan's tone, Anakin gets the feeling that he... doesn't exactly agree with that. Maybe that's something which has changed, or maybe it's something that was always the case and Anakin simply never knew. "The greater good," Anakin repeats, knowing that there is far too much bitterness in his voice, but he doesn't even care.
He hates that the Jedi dogma tells him he needs to "let go" of Obi-Wan as if he wouldn't do anything the elder man asked of him. He hates that he's forever trapped with the feeling that he can't have a family if he's a Jedi. If he had known those things were mutually exclusive, he would never have wanted to become a Jedi in the first place. Family is everything on Tatooine.
"Maybe I am glad that the war is going on," he mutters, almost without thinking. "Who knows what the Council would have done to us otherwise? It's not as if... most masters and Padawans maintain a close relationship after the Knighting ceremony."
"That is true," Obi-Wan admits, and all Anakin can think is finally they're talking without arguing, "Although the Council leaves such matters up to the discretion of the individuals." Something in his expression softens. "I wouldn't have cut off our bond, Anakin, if that's what you're worried about."
Anakin has never hated prisons more. Normally, after such an admission of... of whatever exactly it is, there would be some gesture of affection which is impossible because of the ray shield between them. "I don't know anymore," he replies, sighing, crossing his arms. "All I do know is that the Jedi understand nothing about families." Was that too much to say? Should he have remained quiet instead? But does it even matter if Obi-Wan puts together what he wants, what he craves?
Right now, he's so tired that he doesn't even care.
"I'll have to speak to the Council, but you won't be here indefinitely," Obi-Wan tells him. If that's supposed to be reassuring, it's not. Not really.
But still, Anakin nods in acknowledgement, watching as his former master leaves. It doesn't matter what the Council thinks or does or says. Tonight, Anakin will make his escape attempt.
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