The next morning started with the sound of drizzling rain outside the window. Which suited the situation just fine.
Emma did not open her eyes even though she was awake. She was scared to open her eyes. Scared that she would find the room cleared of Regina's stuff and Regina herself gone. To the airport.
Emma had a massive headache. Her eyes were puffy. Her body was aching all over as though recovering from a bad case of the flu. But she was not. She was heartbroken. Deeply upset. Deeply angry with herself. The aching body she had earned herself from spending a night on the couch, was entirely deserved.
But however odd it sounded, she felt a fraction calmer. And what's more, she felt like she had control over her voice. Control over what she was going to say. Because she was definitely going to say something.
Something that wasn't just a weak-ass 'I'm sorry'.
She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. The bedroom was fairly dim. Thick, grey clouds were slowly drifting by the window. It was a dark morning in New York. In every way. Emma glanced at the ceiling where the numbers on the alarm clock was being reflected. Nine forty five. She kept her gaze fixated on the ceiling for a moment while listening intensely. No sound was coming from the bed. Could she even hear Regina breathe over there? She was terrified of turning her head and finding the bedroom empty.
But on the other hand, she couldn't just lie here in this position all day because she was too scared. Now was not the time to be scared. It was time to act.
She had to fix things.
One way or another.
If Regina was still here, Emma would do literally anything to make things right.
And if Regina was not here, Emma would catch the first plane back to Madrid and go straight to Regina's apartment. If Regina let her in, she would once again do anything to make things right.
If Regina did not let her in, Emma would respect that. She would do anything Regina asked. Even go back to Storybrooke.
Even leave her alone.
The idea of Regina breaking up with her had Emma's heart pounding hard in her chest. The thought was nausea inducing. Loosing Regina and Blueberry was literally the worst thing that could happen.
But if Regina didn't want to be together anymore… Then that was just the way things were going to be.
It would hurt like hell, but Emma would never dream of forcing Regina to be together if she didn't want to.
Fresh tears pooled in her eyes, but Emma angrily blinked them away. She didn't want to cry. Had no reason to cry. She was not the one who had been hurt.
She took another deep breath and finally turned her head.
What she saw stole the breath right out of her lungs in one quick whoosh.
Regina was laying in bed with her dark hair fanning out around her and looking just like Sleeping Beauty. A more beautiful version of Sleeping Beauty.
So, so, beautiful. Emma's heart clenched.
But….
She was still here. She was actually here. In the hotel room. In the bed. Thank god, thank god, thank god!
Emma silently thanked whatever god there was up there. She could have cried in sheer relief. But her decision about no more crying still remained. Yesterday had been ridiculous. She had failed utterly at doing any of the things a good partner did when their girlfriend was upset. And especially if said girlfriend was upset because said partner had fucked up.
Emma had fucked up. Massively. First by sneaking around and keeping secrets and making herself the judge over what Regina could and could not handle. And then by only offering mindless blubbering when Regina was upset.
There would be none of that today. Today she would actually act her age. And make things right. If she could.
Emma quietly sat up on the couch. The blanket slid off of her and landed on the floor. She did nothing about it. Instead she stood from the couch and stretched. Somewhere something made a clicking sound in her back. Emma winced. It hurt. But she definitely deserved it. If her epic fuck up shouldn't land her with a backache, what should?
As quietly as she could, she walked into the bathroom and washed her face. Very much needed. For whatever reason, she felt completely greasy all over. So greasy she decided to just take a shower. She made sure to be both quick and quiet and hoped that the sound of the water didn't wake up Regina.
Once done, she wrapped one of the fluffy white hotel bathrobes around her. Noticed that Regina's spicy perfume was still clinging to the fabric. Emma pathetically inhaled the scent. What if she never was to smell Regina's perfume again? Hear her laugh? See her smile? Never kiss again? Cuddle her at night before they drifted off to sleep? What if she never was to meet Blueberry?
Emma wished that there had been an off-button for her disastrous thoughts. She brushed her wet hair back in a low ponytail. Looked at her reflection one too many times. She looked fucking awful. Had deep dark circles under her eyes. Emma touched the skin. It felt puffy. For a second, Emma thought to herself that she would ask Regina if she could borrow that eye cream of hers. But then she remembered how things were. Chances that she could borrow anything of Regina's was below zero.
She walked back inside their hotel room and stood for a moment while considering what to do. Should she order breakfast? Go sit in the chair and wait for Regina to wake up? Return to the couch? What? She felt utterly at loss.
She knew what she wanted the most. Two things. Firstly: hug Regina so tightly everything just magically fixed itself. And secondly: call her mom and ramble on about how she had ruined everything.
She never got the chance to call anyone or do anything.
Regina stirred in the bed. Let out her usual little morning groan. Then rubbed a hand over her face.
Emma nervously rocked on the balls of her feet. Maybe she should have sat down. Waking up and finding her lurking was probably not the best way for Regina to start her morning.
Regina sat up in bed. Pushed her hair away from her face and then rubbed her belly. Exactly like she always did. Then she turned her head and looked at Emma.
"Hi," Emma squeaked. And mentally kicked herself for sounding like that.
"Hi," Regina mumbled. She was not squeaking. Her morning voice was raspy and full of gravel. And tiredness. She sounded so, so tired. She glanced around after her crutches.
Emma jumped into action and grabbed the crutches. Handed them to Regina with a teeny tiny little smile.
The smile was not returned. "Thanks," was all Regina said as she took the crutches and used them to push herself up from the bed. She hobbled past Emma and into the bathroom where the door was closed behind her.
Emma went to sit down in the armchair. The tension between them was still uncomfortably thick, but at least Regina was not yelling at her right now. That had to be something, right?
After a moment, Regina returned from the bathroom. She too had pulled her hair back in a ponytail. And she too also looked tired. Deep dark circles that looked sore and puffy. Emma winced. It was her fault that Regina looked this tired.
"Are you hungry?" Emma asked foolishly. Because Regina was always hungry in the morning, "Do you want me to order some breakfast?"
"Yes," Regina said shortly and sat down on the edge of the bed. She rubbed her belly again.
"Does it hurt?" Emma asked carefully. She didn't know if she was still allowed to ask these kinds of questions.
"No," Regina said. "It did last night before I fell asleep, but not anymore."
"Okay. That's good. That's very good."
"Yes."
"So…." Emma licked her lips. Regina had not given a sharp answer or no answer at all. That had to be another good thing. "Breakfast. Anything special you'd like, or just the usual?"
"I'd like an extra batch of their pancakes."
"Alright. Of course. Extra syrup too?"
"Sí."
"Awesome. I'll order that immediately!" Emma instantly picked up the hotel phone and called the reception to order breakfast. The tension between her and Regina made her speech quick and ramble-y. And nervous. She might have mentioned Regina's extra batch of pancakes with extra syrup three times. The lady who answered the phone sounded a bit tired when Emma finally concluded the order.
"You ordered tea for the both of us."
"Huh?" Emma looked confused at Regina.
"You usually drink coffee in the morning," Regina said and kept her gaze fixated on the wall. "But you ordered tea instead."
"Oh!" yes, she might have done that. That was how tense and on edge she felt. But there was no way she would be phoning that poor lady one more time. She would just roll with it. "Well…. I figured that coffee is so unhealthy, so I decided I'd rather want tea today."
"Right." Regina didn't sound one bit convinced, but she did not pursue the subject.
Emma had no idea which subject she should pursue. There were so many things she wanted to ask Regina. How Blueberry was doing, for instance. If he was kicking. How Regina was feeling. What time her plane left. What would happen now.
But she was entirely too afraid to ask any of those questions. And besides, she couldn't just let the questions rain down over Regina first thing. That was not the way to do this.
So she sat in uncomfortable silence and wondered if it perhaps would be better if the earth just opened and swallowed her whole. She sat tight and hoped, hoped, hoped that Regina would say something. Anything.
But Regina did not. She too remained silent. And her gaze still focused on that spot on the wall. The only part of her that was moving, was her hands. One of them were restlessly rubbing her belly. Up and down. Up and down. The other was rubbing her lower back in a circular motion.
Emma's stomach clenched. She recognized that method. It was the method Doctor Rivera had recommended as a pain relief. Meaning that Regina's back was hurting right now.
Emma had ordered herself not to cry today. But it was hard not to when she saw Regina rub her back. Because that was usually Emma's job. One of the first things she did in the morning. The 'wake up back'-method, Regina had laughingly dubbed it.
She was not laughing now. And Emma had the feeling that she herself would never feel like laughing ever again.
The loud knock on the door followed by a much too brisk: "room service!" sent Emma yelping from the bed and stumbling over to the door. She opened it and allowed a woman rolling a cloth-covered tray table on wheels with various breakfast-things on it to come inside. She was smiling like she had just won a million dollars and almost chirping as she explained what was on the tray.
"Thank you," Emma kindly but firmly interrupted the woman. She wasn't in the mood to be treated like a VIP today.
"Gracias." Regina said.
Emma put on a smile for the woman and tipped her handsomely. In the hopes that it would make the woman leave.
It did. The woman flashed her another beaming smile. "Thank you very much," she chirped. "Have a lovely day!"
"Yeah. You too," Emma muttered as the woman took off and closed the door behind her.
Emma rolled the tray table over to Regina and then dragged the heavy armchair across the floor, so it was placed across the tray table. Under normal circumstances, she and Regina would be sitting in bed and have breakfast. But today, Regina needed her space.
Regina dug into her food without saying anything.
Emma on the other hand, was burning to say something. But she knew better. Food ranked high on Regina's list these days. As did not being bothered in the middle of eating said food. So she kept her mouth shut and ate her food without enjoying it much. It tasted stale. Which had nothing to do with the food but more to do with her. She definitely didn't deserve to enjoy this food.
Regina dug into her food with vigor. She ate like she had never seen food before, and Emma felt guiltier and guiltier by the second. The exhaustion was making Regina extra hungry. Emma sent her stolen glances, but her glances were never returned. Was it because Regina was too busy eating? Or was it because she purposefully ignored Emma?
It could be the first reason. But it could also be the second reason. Or both. It could very well be both. Though it probably was the first reason. Even though she wanted it to be because Regina simply was too busy eating. Her fork scraped across the plate as she speared another piece of bacon and stuffed it into her mouth. Her gaze was still focused on the wall.
The breakfast was one of the tensest ones Emma had ever participated in, and she was almost relieved when Regina was done eating. Now they could finally talk. Emma opened her mouth to say something, but before she could get the chance to start the hard conversation, Regina spoke first: "do you know if it will stop raining today?"
"Uhm…" Emma blinked. Of all the things Regina could have said, Emma hadn't expected that it would be about the weather. "I'm not sure. Why?"
"I have to buy a present," Regina said and brushed invisible dust off her nightshirt. "For Lucy."
Lucy again. Emma knew that she was the one who was in a pickle here. Her most dominant feeling should be shame. And yet there was a tiny part of her that was jealous of the mysterious Lucy whom had escorted Regina all the way back to the hotel room last night.
"When I was walking home in the rain last night, I was approached by three men in a car. They started asking me if I needed a ride and made comments about… well, about me. I think one of them was about to get out of the car when Lucy suddenly came speeding down the road. She acted as if we were friends and made the mean drive off. That's why I want to buy her a present," Regina said simply.
"Oh, god," Emma whispered and felt sick to her stomach. If those men had decided that they wanted Regina inside the car, there would have been little Regina could have done about it. On her crutches, she was pretty much immobilized. The things that could have happened! Now Emma wanted to buy Lucy a present too.
And now she also felt a million times more guilty. If she (and Cora) hadn't kept pressuring Regina, Regina never would have left the restaurant.
Regina offered a slight shrug in response. "I shouldn't have walked around in New York at night. That was stupid of me."
Emma rose from the armchair and approached the bed where Regina was sitting. "Can we talk?" we asked softly and for a moment she imagined that Regina would scoff and say, 'about what?'
She didn't. She said: "sure."
Okay. That was the first step. And Regina hadn't yelled at her this morning. Good.
Emma dragged the chair over so she could sit just across Regina. Not next to her on the bed. Right now it seemed like a bad move to invade Regina's personal space.
She nervously licked her lips as Regina looked at her. She had raised an eyebrow. Most likely wondering why Emma was silent now that she was the one who had asked if they could talk.
Emma pulled herself together. "I said 'I'm sorry' many, many times yesterday," she began. "But I think I said without really…. Apologizing for what happened."
Regina's eyebrow rose further, and Emma could have kicked herself. Where the hell was she even going with this nonsense?
"Everything you said yesterday," she quickly picked up because she could sense that Regina was growing impatient. "About how I decided not to say anything to you about Cora because I thought you couldn't handle it…. You're right. I was thinking that. And I did make the wrong choice by keeping it from you. And I absolutely should not have done that. Ever. It was a completely wrong choice on my part. You're not a damsel in distress. You're…. You're badass. I already know that. As for finding a different way to warn you about something going on with Cora…. All I can say is that I did not think that far. I was so focused on you and the baby." She bit her lip when she briefly thought about how Regina had started bleeding and had scared the living daylights out of both of them. "It's not an excuse for not thinking, but it is an explanation. Though perhaps not such a good one." She leaned forward slightly and looked Regina in the eyes. "I genuinely thought that Cora would come to you. I thought that she would explain everything, and when she didn't show up at the hospital…. I got angry with her. I felt like it would be stupid of me to start talking about her because you were so happy. It's so stupid, I know. And I also completely understand why it feels like I betrayed you. I did betray you. Even though it was not my intention."
"It felt like you were valuing Cora's secret more than you valued our relationship," Regina said quietly. "It felt like you were siding with my abuser. Cora might never have hurt me physically, but all the things she did- all the little hurtful remarks- it is still abuse."
"Yes, it is," Emma immediately agreed with her. "You're right. And I completely understand why you felt like I was siding with her yesterday. What I did, pressured you into talking to her, that was ganging up on you. I understand that now."
Regina gave a meek little nod. "Why didn't you just tell me the truth when we met Malaina? That was the perfect opportunity. So why didn't you?"
"I hoped that she would tell you," Emma said truthfully. "When we went to Brooklyn… I was hoping that we would run into her a second time. I was hoping that if she saw you again… it would somehow push her into telling you what was going on." God, the way she had sneaked around sounded absolutely horrible when put like that. But she wanted to be completely transparent with Regina about everything.
"I see," Regina said tonelessly. "So that was why you had to go into her gallery. You didn't need the bathroom at all."
"You're right. I didn't," Emma admitted.
"I see," Regina said again.
"I've fucked up," Emma said plainly. "I fucked up last night and I have fucked up for the past few weeks. Made one bad decision after the other. I wish that I had stopped for a moment and considered whether was I was doing was the best for you, but I can't. Just as I can't go back in time and make things better. I wish I could, but I cannot. All I can say is that I am so deeply sorry for hurting you. I never ever meant to do that. I can't do anything except hoping that you somehow will forgive me for this. But if you don't want to-" she paused and blinked back tears. "If you want to b-break up, I understand that. What I've done to you is…" the tears dripped onto her cheeks. She hastily wiped them away. She had promised herself not to cry. She wasn't the one who was allowed to cry. "It's unforgiveable, I know that. But I love you, Regina. So, so much. And I love the baby." She didn't dare saying 'our' baby. Because right now she had no idea whether the baby was still hers.
"I know you do," Regina murmured. "And I know that you are sorry." She ran her fingers through her hair. "And I wish that I could smile and tell you that everything is okay now that you have apologized, but I cannot. Because it isn't okay."
"I know," Emma whispered. "I know it isn't."
"Do you remember Anastasia?" Regina asked. "The girl who followed us at El Rastro?"
"Yeah." Emma did remember that. As if it was yesterday. She remembered how she and Regina had laughed as they ran away hand in hand.
"You remember that I told you that she was one of Cora's 'henchmen'? That Cora was paying her to follow me around and report back to her?"
"Yes." Emma remembered that too.
"Anastasia was originally my friend," Regina said quietly. "My good friend. I told her many things. About how things had been for me after Cora chased Dani away. After I had to leave my house because I no longer could stand being there. Anastasia listened to all of that. She was very understanding. I really felt like I had found a friend. Until I saw her with Cora. Until I saw Cora pay her. That's when I realized what was going on. That she never was my friend. That she only listened to my problems because Cora paid her to do so." Regina took a deep breath and brushed a stray lock of hair away from her face. "When I saw you and Cora stand and chitchat outside the restaurant yesterday and act like each other's confidants…. It reminded me of what had happened with Anastasia. And I suddenly imagined that you were only dating me…"
"Because Cora told me to," Emma finished the sentence, horror filling her as she realized exactly what Regina had thought. How it had looked to her.
"Yeah," Regina nodded and looked down at her hands.
"No!" Emma said firmly. "Absolutely NOT! Regina, I'd never-"
"I know that," Regina interrupted. "I KNOW that. But nevertheless, that's how it felt for a moment. Because it isn't the first time Cora has used somebody else to gain information about me."
"Regina, I had no idea about Anastasia. I didn't know the lengths Cora went to in order-" Emma shook her head. "God, I'm so sorry!"
"I know," Regina sighed. "And as I said, I wish that was enough to fix things. But it isn't."
Emma nodded to acknowledge that. "Is there anything you'd want me to go? Do you want me to go away? Just say the word and I will." Without hesitation. Even though it would hurt as hell.
"No," Regina said and shook her head. "I don't think you should leave New York. This is your trip. Your exhibition. If anyone should leave…"
"Please don't," Emma said before she could stop herself. "Please, please don't leave. Stay. I'm begging you!" she wouldn't be able to bear it if Regina left New York. Not like this. "If you want, we can cut the trip short and go back together. And I can go straight back to Maine. Just don't… leave New York alone."
For the faintest moment, it looked like Regina cracked a very small smile at that. "I'm not sure leaving would solve anything," she admitted and drew a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "But at the same time… I feel like I need some space. I need time to digest this. I- I need time to once again feel like I come first. That you put me highest. That your loyalty lies with me. I know it wasn't your intention, but I feel betrayed. I can't help it. Right now… I doubt you. Even though you've apologized, even though the majority of me don't want to, I doubt you. I'm insecure. Because you kept something from me. With Cora of all people. I know that it'll never happen again-"
"It won't," Emma said quickly. "Never!"
Regina shook her head slightly and gave a sad little smile. "You could tell me that a million times, Emma, but there would still be a part of me that doubted you. This is not just something that will fix itself because you apologize and reassure me. Cora has pulled too much crap over the years. What happened last night… it triggered some really bad memories, and as I said, I need some time to digest that."
"Okay." Emma swallowed down her tears and wondered where that left them. Regina had not broken up with her, but still… this was not good. She would do everything she could to prove to Regina that she was loyal. That Regina was the single most important thing. She would bend herself backwards to prove that she was worthy.
"B-by yourself?" she stuttered, so, so afraid that Regina had decided to fly back to Spain anyway.
"I'm staying," Regina said and fiddled with a lock of her hair. "I don't think I could handle traveling right now, to be honest."
"And your…. Plane ticket?" Emma asked carefully. She had no problem with remembering that Regina had booked a plane ticket for today.
But Regina shook her head. "There never even was a plane ticket. It was something I said because I was…." Her mouth twisted. "Because I was angry."
"You had every right to be. You still have every right to be."
Regina shook her head again. "I'm not mad. I'm just… tired. And sad that everything has become so messy."
"Because of me." Emma winced. "If I had just said something. Anything." Because Regina had been absolutely right last night. There truly had been a million different ways she could have dropped hints about Cora without ever revealing her secret. If only she had seen that. If only she hadn't become so focused on not outing Cora and somehow developing tunnel vision because of it. And if only she hadn't decided to make herself the judge over what Regina could and could not handle.
It was because of that the woman she loved doubted her. It was because of that the woman she loved had…. Well, not quite broken up with her, but their relationship was most certainly on shaky ground. Because of Emma.
But there was still a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Regina was staying. That meant something. She wasn't going home. Nor had she broken up with Emma. That meant that their relationship could be mended. And by all the gods, Emma would put her entire heart and soul into mending it! Whatever it took for Regina to not doubting her anymore, Emma would do it!
"I also have something I want to say," Regina said.
"Okay. Go ahead."
"What I said yesterday about you being like Robin…. That's not true. I shouldn't have said that."
Emma's shoulders unclenched just a bit. "You had every right to do that."
Regina shrugged. "You and Robin are in two different categories." She blew out a breath. Then rubbed her forehead. "Dios, me duele la cabeza!"
"Is there… anything I can do?" Emma asked carefully. She didn't want to overstep.
Regina shook her head and murmured: "it's not every day that you learn your mother is gay and the only reason you're here is because she was upset over breaking up with her girlfriend and your father was…. At the right place at the right time."
"You were wanted," Emma reminded her. "Right from the start. Cora said so herself."
"Cora has said much crap over the years," Regina said and frowned. "But last night…. I believe she was more honest than she has ever been. I suppose that is something."
"Yeah. It is."
"¿Pero por qué?" Regina asked and shook her head slightly. "Why all the lies? I don't care that she's gay. It's fine. More than fine. If she's happy, that's all that matters. But why couldn't she just have come out when I told her that I was bisexual? Instead of feeling like I was stealing her thunder or whatever. It doesn't make sense. But I guess I sort of understand where she's coming from. My grandparents weren't very nice to her. But still, that didn't give her any right to make my childhood a living hell. If I was so 'wanted', why couldn't she just… be my mother?"
Emma had the strongest urge to reach out and touch Regina. Put her arms around her and tell her that everything was going to be okay. But she didn't. She had to respect Regina's wishes about space.
"I suppose it would be easy to let things continue as they have so far," Regina murmured more to herself than to Emma. "No contact between us. Sí, that would be really, really easy. When I last saw her at daddy's house, I swore that it was the last time. I cut her off just as much as she cut me off…"
Emma said nothing. Didn't want to interrupt Regina while she was thinking.
"But…." Regina shook her head again. "Where would that leave us? We would be back at square one, and it would always be in the back of my mind no matter what. She was honest with me last night. She took the first step. That is more than she has done in years. And if she can do that, then…." She clicked her tongue. "You know what, screw it!" with that, she reached out and plucked her cellphone off of the bedside table. She frowned slightly as she dialed a number. Then pressed the phone to her ear.
Emma did not ask her who she was calling. But she found out either way.
"Good morning, Cora," Regina said formally. "I have slept on it and have decided that I do in fact want to come for dinner." She glanced at Emma. "WE want to come for dinner."
Emma felt her heart starting to pound in her chest. She was still being included!
"Sí," Regina said, still formal sounding. "Sí, I think it's about time I meet your girlfriend…."
To Be Continued…...