Warning! Death of the reader. A depressed reader. Graphic description of blood and injury. An au where Jiraiya lives after his fight with Pain at the price of reader's demise. A tragedy chapter.

It was hard to watch. You stand in the doorway of the hospital, silently watching the scene before you. Tsunade sitting on the ledge of Jiraiya's bed. She's rubbing her face and took in a deep breath. She's barely keeping it together. Not that you blame her. It is difficult to watch someone you love die. You know that pain too. Because... you love Jiraiya too.

For most of your life, you've been in love with him. There's just something about Jiraiya that has you smitten. He's kind, smart, brave, funny, and handsome. What's there not to love? But... it's so complicated. You know he loves someone else... and you love what you have with him as his friend. You never wanted to ruin that relationship by confessing. Because you know he would reject you and it would hurt too much. You probably won't be able to face him again from both embarrassment and the pain of rejection.

You never felt good enough. You aren't good enough. Jiraiya couldn't love someone like you. You don't feel pretty enough. You aren't on the level of the women he asks out... nor the woman he's already in love with. You aren't strong or brave like her either. You don't have any talents aside from being an alright healer. Jiraiya deserves better than some loser like you.

You were the person he relied on for certain things. He always came to you when he needed someone to talk to. He said it was just easy to talk to you. The most agonizing instance of that need for comfort is when he just clung onto you when Tsunade married Dan. He asked you if you knew how it felt to see someone you love happy with someone else. Oh the sweet irony. You did... and it hurt. He just looks naturally good with Tsunade. They seem perfect for one another. They've pined for each other for years and it's not fair that it never happened... But they seem close. There's nothing like a near death experience to give them a push to be together. And what you have in mind will spare you the pain of seeing them together. It would be too hard to live without him anyways.

Tsunade stands. She's had enough of crying over him. It's time to come up with solutions. You scoot and hide behind the wall when she turns around. She leaves the room and her eyes meet yours. You are locked in a staring match with her for several moments. You and her have never gotten along well. To her, you were always the quiet one who never really pushed for anything. The one and only time you got competitive was your career as a medic. It was the only time your nature came to an advantage. Your quiet and calculating way of handling things honed in well in emergency medical situation. It's why you're are where you are, but it doesn't exclude you from her criticism. She's been extra short and curt with you as the lead in charge of this floor. You understand, because the man she loves is dying. Her lips flatten into a tight line. She turns quickly on her heel and walks down the hall.

You slide into the room and shut the door. The situation is bleak. With every passing second, Jiraiya is still inching closer to death. He's just not recovering. His wounds are so severe and so many that's it's hard for his body to handle. He's got several open wounds that are still bleeding, but are sewn shut and wrapped with gauze. Organs are pierced which is adding more problems. His throat is crushed and his arm was forcibly amputated. It's honestly amazing that he's made it this far. But he's too weak for surgery. Any attempts would probably kill him the moment he goes under anesthesia.

The best that has been done was several healers using jutsu to heal some of the internal wounds. Which was mainly focused on his lungs so he can breathe better. One was collapsed and the other was filled with water when he came in. Now they are clear and inflated as they should be. But it's not looking much better. He hasn't woken up. He throws up blood in his coma occasionally, hinting to more internal injuries that may have been missed in the hast.

It would've been too dangerous to keep him on the table without a proper analysis of his injuries with no monitoring. Especially because of all his blood loss. He would have just continued to hemorrhage. It was a tough call, but you decided it would be safer to get his blood count back up and lungs strong before attempting anymore treatments. Plus your staff had worked tirelessly for hours to get him to the point he's at now. They would be of no use if their minds were too exhausted to do their jobs correctly. One mistake in this type of scenario could snuff out a life in a second. It's already a miracle he's still alive. Pushing that too far could end up killing him after all that hard work. There is only so much a body can take at a time. He is sorta stable at the moment. With machines monitoring every little change in his body. Any significant change will alert the system to call a doctor in. Which is good enough until a permanent solution is available. He's already gone code blue once and was still recovering from that.

You sit on the edge of the bed by Jiraiya's hip. It's the best position to look him over. He looks sickly and grey. But his face is relaxed in his slumber. He looks rather peaceful. You find yourself reaching out. You caress his cheek. It's a little cold. He lacks the warmth of health and life. His eyes twitch ever so slightly when you touch him so softly. You push strands of his hair out of his face. You wipe the remains of blood off of his chin. But he won't wake up.

But you can help. There's one thing you can do. A power you have made in your spare time. It's a true equal exchange. It's quite simple, to be honest. Probably anyone could do it, so it's not that special. You exchange your healthy cells to take on the damaged ones of a patient. It's something to be saved and used for emergencies for close to death cases. Kinda like this.

It feels like the right thing to do. Your life for Jiraiya's. He's much more valuable than you are. There's plenty he's left behind and left unfinished. He deserves that second chance. Not just for himself, but for the people that love him. He has so much to live for. What have you done in your life worth such a chance? Nothing really. You want to save his life. He's your best friend. You love him.

With a tired sigh, you lean over him and rest your forehead on his. You shut your eyes. It felt so right to do this. To be this close. If only you could do this everyday. It would have been nice to wake him up with such a sweet gesture every morning. You're but a hairline away from kissing him.

"I'll miss you." You whisper.

The heart monitor beeped in distress. You look up at it to see his blood pressure had dropped. He's close to crashing for a second time. His heart is just unable to handle the stress of pumping blood to his traumatized body. It's now or never.

The timing is spot on to perfect. Most of the employees on this floor are on break after stabilizing him. Some are even asleep in the break room after exhausting their chakra to piece his major organs together again. The rest are checking on patients. You gave special instructions saying you would be in charge of Jiraiya's treatment and to leave it all to you. Even if they did come, it would be too late. Which is exactly what you want.

Life has done nothing but beat you down anyways. Jiraiya was probably the one good thing you had going on. Perhaps... in some kind of way, this was a chance to give back what he's done for you. If not for him, you probably would have taken your life by now anyways. He gave you the encouragement you needed to become the person you are. But it's not like that meant much. You don't think you are all that essential or useful. You've struggled for long enough. It's like struggling to break through water while just under the surface, but you can't no matter how hard you try. You don't want to fight for your sad dwindling life anymore. The only thing that was making it worthwhile was dying in front of you. At least your death will be useful.

You kiss his cheek before sitting up. You weave signs to activate it. You rest your hands on his chest. You've taken the pain of plenty of patients. You got quite the tolerance for it now. You simply grit your teeth and endure it as Jiraiya's wounds become your own. It's for his life. You'd endure a thousand of his injuries to make sure he lives if you have to.

There's a slight burning sensation in your throat. The slow searing pain of the open wound on his torso engraves into you. Blood blooms through your shirt. There's added pain to your back and a wet feeling signalling that you've successfully taken on the punctures he had there. Your insides feel like they are coiling and cramping as they get torn with the remaining unnoticed injuries. A couple ribs break. The nerves in your left arm begin to die as your body is fooled into believing it was amputated. He won't grow an arm, but the wound will be shut and no longer by a source of infection as it was before.

Blood rises in the back of your throat. You swallow it down and bite your lip to silence the temptation to cry out. Ideally, you don't want anyone to be alerted to what you have done. Not for a few hours. You simply want to get up and leave. Maybe find a secluded place where no one will find your body for a few hours. Unfortunately, that's beginning to feel impossible as you lose more blood and get light headed. But you'll try.

There's one thing you want to do before you go. It's the last thing you'll ever do. One final selfish act before you die. You just want to know what it's like. You've always wondered. You lean back down. With your live hand you caress his cheek. Your lips press against Jiraiya's gently.

They're a bit dry, but it's still nice. They're plump, but it's not too much. Surprisingly, they kiss back. His lips purse. They move and react to yours. Oh. Oh he's waking up. This is not what you want. You're supposed to just disappear.

You pull away. Or try to. Jiraiya moved his hand into your hair and kept you pinned against his lips. This was nice. He liked this. The soft lovely lips of a woman against his? How wonderful. He can breathe again and he's not in excruciating pain anymore. It was like a guardian angel was bringing him back with a kiss of life. The nice taste of the lips against his were tainted slightly with blood. Which was concerning enough to wake him faster.

"Let go." You whisper with your lips a fraction above his. Tears blur your vision. You hope he doesn't become anymore awake. You don't want to face him like this. "Let go of me."

Jiraiya clung on tighter. Uh uh! He never lets a lovely woman out of his arms. Especially when it's his best friend. You sound upset. Which is giving him more reason to not let you retreat because he knows he can help. He rolls over and took you with him. You don't have the strength to fight him. It seems this is your deathbed. And well... it was a familiar habit.

He liked to pick you up and throw you into bed when you were upset. Where he held you under the covers with him to talk. It's a ritual you started with him as children and it sorta just stuck. There was plenty of nights where he came to your house instead of his own and curled up under the covers with you. He'd fall asleep early but chat with you in the early morning. Or if you lay on his chest with your face against his neck, he usually rolled over and took you with him to cuddle. You would smile and have a sleepy conversation with him while in absolute heaven. But no matter what, he would eventually leave. Which always bore another hole in your heart.

Jiraiya smiled and savoured the feeling for a few seconds. How strange how he's never given in and kissed you before. That felt as good as he thought it was going to be. He opened his eyes and the smile he had on dropped. He stammered your name. He isn't sure what to process first.

Blood. There's so much blood. Why is there so much blood? Why are you bleeding? You shouldn't be bleeding. You aren't ever supposed to be bleeding. His hand braces on your chest wound. A sense of horror and fear fills him as your blood just seeps through his fingers. Yet despite how much you bleed, you simply smile at him.

"It's okay." Your voice is weak. You comb his hair away from his face. You smile... because it is okay.

"No... no it's not okay. It's not!" Jiraiya yelled. He's afraid and worried. He doesn't like this. This is terrifying. He grips you tighter out of desperation. Like if he just held you together you'd stay together.

It dawned on him that he's actually in the hospital. The bright sterile lights and sanitation smell hit his senses once the shock wore of a little. Why are you bleeding out in his hospital bed? Why does it look like you're alright with this? Without a grimace of pain in your expression. Simply acceptance. But this can't happen. He won't let it. He sat up and turned towards the door to yell for help.

You grab his cheek and force him to turn back. You shake your head. "Shhh..." You whisper. You bring yourself forward to steal his lips.

Jiraiya inhales deeply and holds it. Oh god that feels so good. But you're hurt. He whines and moves his lips against yours in a messy passionate kiss. You taste good! But it's tainted with the iron like taste of blood. Despite that, he gets lost in the kiss. He's always wanted to know what it would be like to kiss you. You have a great set of lips he often stares at when you talk. He rolls over until he's fully overtop of you. His hand sneaks under your back. His fingers meet more warm wet blood.

"Why are you bleeding?" Jiraiya's voice was quiet and husky. He didn't want to bring his lips away so they spoke against yours. He presses your body against his. His fingers grip your back tightly when he feels streams of your blood trail down his arm. "Why... is it so much?.. Why is this happening?"

"Don't worry about it..." You say quietly. It's unfortunate that he did wake up. But he's holding you. You wrap your arm around him and cling onto that sensation. It's always such a good feeling when he holds you. "You're going to be okay now."

"What?" He looked at you appalled at what you're implying. "I don't want to be okay if you aren't going to be!"

You shake your head. "I'm sorry." You kiss him again. "I want you to live."

"I want you to live too!" He raised his voice. Fear began to set in as your blood has now saturated the bed to his knees. You are going cold and grey. There's not much time left. You're really dying before his eyes. He turned back to the door. "Help! I need help in here!"

But the damage to his throat was still fresh. It maybe mostly healed, but he can't raise his voice like he wants. It comes out cracked and hoarse. It's followed by painful coughing. It feels like he swallowed a cupful of needles. You rub his back while he has his fit.

Very slowly Jiraiya set you down back onto the bed. He's still very weak. He can't hold you anymore despite his need to hold you close. The coughing fit is intense enough to bring tears to his eyes. He coughs hard with his face against your neck. He sniffles back more tears. His best friend is dying and if feels like it's hopeless. He won't be able to raise his voice again in this condition.

"Why did you do this?... Why did you save me?" He asked quietly.

Ah... the one question you didn't want to hear. But he does have a right to know. You lick your lips and swallow back the blood in your throat. "You... have more to live for than me. With people who love you."

"There's plenty of people who want that for you." Jiraiya tried to coax you. Something... anything to convince you to somehow take this back.

"No... no there isn't." You shake your head. You pet his head as you speak. "I've done nothing worthwhile in my life... except for this. With no one that loves me."

You heard his teeth grit. His fingers flexed. He sat up to look you in the eyes. He's crying. With a single tear that broke through the wells in his eyes and ran down his cheek. It hurts to see him so upset over this. It's hard to understand why. Yes, he's your friend. But he should be happy. You've always felt like a burden to the people around you.

Seeing you like this was tearing him up. This lack of... will. This isn't usually like you. If anything it was uncannily similar to him. He never found a good reason to be alive. That is until he found you, his team, his students, and even Naruto wiggled into his heart. But you were always the person he looked forward to seeing the most when he comes home. You always felt like home.

He doesn't like this. It's so much better when you're happy. He feels so alive when you're happy. That sweet smile of yours makes him feel like he could touch the clouds. Especially when he causes it to form on your face. Now it's just sickening since it's stained with blood. He doesn't like seeing you bleed. The greatest thing in the world is protecting your happiness and he's not doing that right now.

A world without you in it was becoming a real possibility. How can he live in a world without you? The one friend left in his life that never left. That always had time for him. The girl he could always count on to make him feel better. The one he liked to wake up next to and looked forward to coming home to see... The one he thought of as his biggest regret for never trying something more when he thought he was going to die. He always thought it was Tsunade. But you... You were always the one.

It was then it became clear. Like the last piece of a puzzle clicking into place in his head. And his despair grew.

"I love you." Jiraiya said slowly as he was realizing it himself.

It stole your breath to hear that. A new wave of tears hit you and they fell down the sides of your face. You do feel like laughing. Only because there's no other way you can react. You've always wanted to hear him say that. It filled you with joy.

You let out a small laugh, which came out with a small cough of blood that ran down the edge of your chin to run down your jaw. Your hand leaves his hair to slide down to hold his cheek. Jiraiya searches your eyes desperately as he awaits a response. You use your thumb to wipe away the tear under his eye.

"I... love... you too..." You can barely say.

Your strength is leaving you. It's too late for you. You've lost too much blood. Your wounds are too deep. But you don't regret. Dying for the man you love so he can live is something beautiful. A sacrifice that only love can create.

"It's why I want you to live." Your voice is barely audible. "I... want you to... be happy."

"How can I be happy without you here?" His voice broke. The tears gathered at the middle of his chin grew too heavy and a drop fell. It landed on your cheek like how a single drop of rain does before a storm starts.

You smile at him. It's one of those pretty smiles you rarely give out. One full of love and affection. For the first time in so many years Jiraiya felt lost. He didn't know what to do. It's like help is close by, but so far away. What he loves his dying before him. The love he took for granted is leaving him. The woman who made him smile. The one who took days to listen to him when no one else would. The girl who gave so much of herself no matter what the world threw at her. You saved his life and now you're leaving. It feels like you're taking his heart with him. He feels foolish and horrible that he was focused on the wrong woman this whole time. You are what he wants. You are who he loves! How can you die when he just realizes that? It's not fair!

"I... I don't want you to die." He manages to say quietly.

Your poor sweet Jiraiya. You take in his face. It's going to be the last thing you see. It's the perfect thing to see before you die. The shape of his face. His expressive dark eyes. The way his markings curve when he smiles was so cute. The beauty mark on the left side of his nose you always poke to bug him. He always pouted and batted your hand away. It was a feature he never really liked. But you always found it charming. It added a characteristic asymmetrical look to him that counteracted his lopsided grin that had a preference for being bigger on the right. You'd much rather see him smile right now than look at you with such sorrow.

You believe he'll get over this. He'll be happy without you. He has much to live for where you only lived for him. He nuzzled his cheek against your palm. He keeps saying something but you can't hear anything anymore. You feel cold. Numb. Heavy yet light as well. It's time... your fond farewell must come to a close. It is kinda nice to die in the embrace of the one you love so dearly.

"I'm... sorry." You utter with your last breaths. "Good... b... bye.."

Your hand falls. You no longer have the strength to hold it. Your fingers slips down his cheek and your knuckles bumps his fringe. It hits the damp mattress with the weight of a cinder block. You watch his eyes widen and mouth drop open. Your sight fades into darkness and eyes relax. After a final breath through your parted lips, you go limp.

"No... no." Jiraiya denies and shakes his head. "You aren't dead."

He rips off the sticky pads on his chest. The machines went insane with beeping and alarms when they lost his pulse. He didn't know what else to do. He was so caught up in the moment he didn't think of it earlier. He pressed his hand on your chest and tried compressions.

"Don't die... please don't die." He begs you. He leans down and presses his lips against yours. He blows air into your mouth in a desperate attempt to revive you. He returns to chest compressions when he pulls back. But you stay limp and still. "Please... I can't stand it if you died right now."

Jiraiya leans back down to give you the kiss of life just as you did for him. Where you gave him a kiss and that was his first waking memory after believing he died in battle. He wants your lips to twitch. To kiss him back and hold him firmly against your lips. Then when he pulled back your pretty eyes would open again and meet his. They'd be bright with life and love as they look at him. You'd smile and play with his hair before guiding him down to kiss him again. Where you'd just hold him and be content. All while trading muttered 'I love you's to one another as the joy of just being alive was enough to be happy. Even if the world was doomed, you and him had each other and that was enough to cope.

But you aren't. You stay still. You aren't breathing. Your heart has stopped beating. Your eyes are still slightly open. They are dull and dark. They don't hold the light with life. Your blood is running down the legs of the hospital bed and pooling on the floor. You don't react to anything he does. Your lips don't purse and your arms don't wrap around him. You don't roll him onto his back and straddle his waist while you kiss him. You don't pull back to hold his face and giggle with him before returning to drown him in the affection he desperately craves from you. You are still. You are cold.

"I love you!" Jiraiya held the back of your head and searched your face for movement. A twitch. A quiver. Something? Anything! He went back down and breathed air into your mouth. "Please..." He whispered in a shaky voice against your cold lips. "Please don't do this to me."

Tsunade burst through the door first followed by aids and nurses. All of them stunned and confused. Jiraiya was suddenly awake and moving. He's desperately doing CPR to one of the top doctors in the hospital. There's blood everywhere. On him and all over the bed. It's gruesome.

"Help her!" He yelled at him. His voice failing and dying off on the last word. He's forced to die to a whisper that he's forcing to be louder. It came out wheezy and had a high pitched waver to it. "Please help her! She's dying!"

It was enough to snap into action. The medics moved around Tsunade to take charge of the situation. She stood still as she stared at you. Even from there she could tell it's far too late. You have passed. The blood... oh the blood. You've bled out most of it. You are grey in tone and motionless. Just what did you do? Jiraiya doesn't have a scratch on him. All his wounds seem to be gone. There isn't even a scar left behind.

Jiraiya is forced off the bed while the medical professionals take over. He's the most hysterical Tsunade has ever seen him. With evidence of crying and close to hyperventilation from panic. He's babbling to the staff being careful with you. They are doing their best but it's mostly out of both curtesy and the frantic energy of the room. They try to stop the bleeding and inspect the unusual quick decay of your left arm. But even they knew by now it was far too late for you. They move a bit slower as they realize you have died from your injuries and they began to mourn. You were always a good boss to them.

"Save her! Do anything to save her." Jiraiya looks at them one by one and is begging at this point. He can't come to terms with the fact that you died in his arms. He looks at your face and something twists in his stomach.

Tsunade stepped forward and grabbed him by the arm. Jiraiya looked at her with an almost childlike stunned confusion. He's lost at what to do. She pulled him out of the room. He doesn't need to see any more. The worst sight in the world is the white sheet being pulled over the head of the recently deceased. It was the final confirmation that the patient has passed. There's no hope as death has already long claimed their victim. No one needs to see that. Especially since he's in such an emotional state. Surrounded by all that blood isn't good for a person either.

She got him to one of the chairs sitting along the walls of the hallway. For a long time he stared at the floor. His face stuck in an expression of shock and worry. The room on the other side had gotten quiet. He knew why but he didn't want to. You already looked like a statued tomb among all that activity. Still and eternal in your death like a carving on a table. Lifelike and beautiful, but too immobile and perfect to be alive. He slowly turned his head towards Tsunade and he sighed.

"She's dead... isn't she?" Jiraiya asked with a small laugh. It's not funny at all, but he doesn't know what else to do. It just sounds so foreign to say. The idea of it was unnatural. It almost did sound like a joke. A cruel one.

He didn't want to hear the answer. He already knew what was going to be said and the confirmation would only hurt more. He slowly raised his hand to stare at it. His whole hand was stained red with your blood. It ran down his arm to his elbow in thick trails. There's blotches on his knees and shins with the same colour. His torso is no better since he held you so tightly. It feels like there's a void without you there. He flexes his fingers. Only a minute ago he was holding you. You've always been there. Now you aren't. At the moment he's just wishing what you did wasn't enough to save him. It'd be easier to die. At least if he did he would be with you in whatever afterlife is true.

Tsunade said something, but Jiraiya is too lost in his own head to pay attention. She sighed and stood up. She grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. He followed, numb to everything around him. She got him set up in an unoccupied room where he could let this all sink in. She spoke again. Then repeated herself. She grabbed his shoulder and spoke clearly. He raised his head to the bare minimum to meet her eyes.

"What?..." He asked.

"Do you want me to stay?"

Jiraiya shook his head slowly. He'd much rather be alone. This is too much to handle with other people around. Tsunade insisted on checking his vitals before leaving him to grieve. He has a clean bill of health. With no trace of his injuries aside from his missing arm. But even that looks like it was treated with surgery and was now an old wound. In reality it's only been a few hours. In that time he was caught along the border of life and death. And as if by a miracle, he's healed and healthy. It really was the work of a miracle. Whatever you did saved his life. For that she's grateful to you.

"Call for me if you need anything." Tsunade told him before leaving the room. But she hesitates in the frame. She looks him up and down with a worried frown. You've always meant a lot to him. He's not handling this well at all. She wants to be there for him. But will respect his wish to be alone. She'll check on him every hour.

He didn't say anything back. The door closed and he was alone again. For hours, Jiraiya stared at the wall replaying what had happened in his head. It still felt surreal. Like a dream turned into a nightmare. Half of him expects to wake up in his hospital bed still on the verge of death. Or maybe beside you in your bed. At least with that one you'd be there to comfort him. It's hard to fully grasp the idea that you had truly died for him. You traded your life for his. For as long as he can remember you've told him you would do what it takes to save lives. But this is too much.

It's just hard to believe.

This world goes on without you.

For Jiraiya it feels like it stopped. He lost another friend. Not just a friend, but someone he loved as something more than a friend. One that could have grown to be his girl... or even his wife. He can envision it so clearly and that's what makes it worse. Being with you... holding your hand and watching you blush when he brought your fingers to his lips to kiss the ring he gave you. Where he could smirk and tease you for being so flushed. He can't help but blame himself. You were taken away before he could start anything with you. Because he was blind to see he's always had the perfect partner.

The reality of it all was that you are gone. The only mark of your existence is him. The love you held for him was enough to make the ultimate sacrifice. It's a rather beautiful way to die. And he doesn't know what to do with such a gift.

In a perfect world...

Jiraiya would have shared it with you.