In Which Addison Hits the Self-Destruct Button

"She's crashing. I need a C.B.C., chem panel and a blood culture times three... and hang two liters of saline, wide-open," I say while they wheel Susan into an empty room.

Bizzy runs in right behind us, "What's happening?"

"Set up a central line and start a dopamine drip," I yell to Cristina.

Bizzy yells, "Addison tell me what is happening."

"Can't get a blood pressure," I announce trying to get the line in, "She's in shock. Probably septic. Okay, line's in. Titrate the dopamine to a pressure of ninety."

"Addison?"

"It's gonna take a minute for the medicine to take effect," is the only thing I can say to Bizzy right now. I watch as Susan's pressure goes back up, "Go ahead and hang the first dose of antibiotics."

"Is sh… is she… is Susan gonna be alright?" Bizzy asks nervously.

Turning around to her for the first time, she looks genuinely scared, "She's gonna be alright. Bizzy, you should go back to the hotel; get some rest."

"No, not while Susan's here," she shakes her head.

I sigh, "The chemotherapy has suppressed her immune system and she had trouble fighting off the infection, but now… She's fine. She just needs sleep, and you do, too. Go."

"Call me if she wakes," she complies walking out of the room.

Meredith walks in after, "She loves her very much."

"Yeah, she does," I nod then sigh, "I was just coming to see you… but now that you're here, I rather wait around here until Susan wakes up."

And that's what we do… Keeping ourselves entertained with Jeopardy playing in the background, we sit in Susan's room until she stirs awake. I look over her vitals and everything is looking good.

I walk up to her with a smile, "Hey. You're looking better."

"Now I just need to get outta here; all of the tubes and the drugs—and no offense, the doctors. I'm just so tired of it all…" she sighs, "and poor Bizzy."

"Oh, she'll be fine. She's nothing if not resilient," I try not to roll my eyes, "In her way, she's amazing."

"It was a nice wedding, wasn't it?" she asks.

I nod, "Mm-hmm."

"Oh, my," she clutches her chest as monitors start going off.

Cristina runs into the room right after and I yell, "I need a blood gas and a bolus of heparin. Go."

"Hurts to breathe," Susan barely gets out.

I speak quickly, "Susan, you may have thrown a clot in your lung. You said before that you didn't—"

"No," she cuts me off, "No heroics. Please. Bizzy."

"I'll get her," Meredith runs out.

I yell to Cristina, "Hang a T.P.A. and increase the oxygen to a hundred percent."

It's not even ten minutes before Bizzy comes running in the room, she looks from Susan to me, "You said I could go. You said she'd be all right."

"Susan has a large blood clot in her lung," I start to explain, "and we're treating it as aggressively as we can, but she—"

"Well, do whatever you have to. I want more, much more," Bizzy cuts me off.

Cristina looks to me, "No pulse. Dr. Montgomery, should I call the code team?"

"No."

"Why aren't you doing anything?" Bizzy asks me.

I sigh, "Susan signed a D.N.R. She didn't want me to tell you."

"I don't care," Bizzy shakes her head, "Save her."

"I'm sorry," I plead, "I can't."

"You can," she corrects.

I shake my head, "Susan was clear."

"Addison! Do something!" she yells as Susan starts to flatline and I motion for Cristina to turn off the monitor, "Oh! Come on. Come on."

"Bizzy."

"Help her!"

"Bizzy."

"You can't just stand there and watch her die!"

"Bizzy. Bizzy. You can't Bizzy," I say basically pulling her off of Susan.

Bizzy slaps me again before running off down the hallway. I'm standing there holding my face when Meredith walks in the room, "Addie, I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry for Bizzy," I say as tears fill up in my eyes.

Meredith shakes her head, "I'm sorry for you."

"What did she want me to do?" I ask finally looking at her, "Susan had a D.N.R."

"Listen to me. You did the right thing. You did what Susan wanted," she says as I wipe my tears away.

I sigh, "Bizzy's never gonna forgive me."

"Oh, she will. She just—she just needs time. You'll see," she tries to comfort me, "She lost the one person that she loves."

"And I—I lost my mother," I say running out the room after her. Luckily she didn't get far and I stop her right before she leaves out the hospital lobby, "If there's anything I can do, if you want to come stay with me—"

"You've done enough," she cuts me off.

I plead, "If I could've helped Susan—"

"You could have."

"That's not what she wanted. The D.N.R.—"

"Enough," she shrugs me off, "It's done."

"You know that I would do anything for you, I'm trying, you know? I'm—"

"Is this making you feel better, Addison?" she looks at me with so much hatred.

I'm taken aback, "Do you really not understand or do you just need to blame someone for what happened?"

"What difference does it make, dear?" she says walking away and I just sigh.

I go up to my office to grab my stuff and probably just head home. I'm gathering my things when Cristina shows up in my doorway, "How's Bizzy holding up?"

"No way to tell."

"And you?"

"I am—" I say choking back tears, "I am not holding up."

"You did the right thing, Addison."

"Then why doesn't it feel that way?" I say finally looking up to her.

She shrugs, "Well, I haven't known your mother very long but she seems like a hard woman to please."

"Impossible," I roll my eyes.

She walks in the room a little more, "Then why do you keep trying?"

"Because she's my mother… and I guess somewhere deep down, there's that instinct to please," I pause, "the idea that—"

"You'll get something back," she finishes for me.

I look at her sadly, "I can't let that go. Is that crazy?"

"No, that's love," she shrugs.

After a short pause, I sigh, "Tell Mer I'm going to Bizzy's."

I pull up to the hotel Bizzy is staying in a few minutes later and I make my up to her room. When I come through the door, I find Bizzy still in her clothes from earlier so I can tell she hasn't been here long before me. She's packing her things and I can tell she's still in shock, that the situation hasn't funny hit her yet.

"Here, Bizzy, let me take that," I offer, "Here. I know you're angry and in pain but you're not alone."

"Oh, for heaven sakes, Addison. Stop talking. I am alone. I'm completely and utterly alone. My life began when I met Susan. Do you understand that? She meant everything to me," she says not even looking at me, "And now what? Where do I go? What do I do? Date? If I could bear the thought of it, I wouldn't know how. I'mㅡI don't know what I am."

"Look, this is new and scary, but it's not forever," I try to reason with her.

She looks at me dazed, "Then what is? What do you see for the rest of my life without Susan?"

"I don't know, but I am here to help you figure that out. Let me help you, because in spite of everything, even though you can't say it… you've never said it… I love you and I am here," I finish.

She looks up to me and it's almost as if she smiles, "Thank you."

"Alright," I nod smiling softly to myself, "I'm gonna spend the night and I'm gonna help you get packed."

"Oh, no, dear. I'll be fine," she waves me off.

I shake my head, "No, I want to stay."

"IㅡI'll take care of this tomorrow. I'm exhausted and I'm sure you are too."

"No, I'll be okay."

"Go home. Go home to Meredith," she smiles softly, "She's a nice girl. Stick with her. You can come by tomorrow and help."

"Are you sure?" I question.

She nods, "We'll order breakfast but I beg of you, bring some decent coffee."

"Alright," I smile again.

She nods, "Okay."

"So, I'll see you, uh, tomorrow," I say going to leave.

I get home to Meredith and I tell her about my breakthrough with Bizzy. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like everything's going to be alright. Meredith convinces me to go back to the hotel and stay the night with her so I pack myself an overnight bag then I head out back that way but not before grabbing some nice coffee from the store.

Walking into her hotel room, I call out, "Bizzy? I decided I am sleeping over. And I brought the good coffee."

When she doesn't answer immediately, I let myself in, closing the door behind me and make my way into her room. My heart literally stops when I find Bizzy in the bed with a note and a necklace.

"No," I say panicking and I turn around walking back to the door, "This… this isn't happening… No."

I walk back into the room and I grab the note off the bed. The tears are already pouring from my eyes before I read:

Dear Addison,

"Bizzy, what have you done?" I cry.

The necklace is for you. The money is for housekeeping. Apologize to them for the inconvenience and when people ask, tell them I died in my sleep. The truth is too embarrassing.

"No, Mommy… No," I just cry.

Meredith says that I'm cold, withdrawn and it almost seems like I've turned into a robot. She says this but for some reason she's still always there… she still wants to be here and honestly, I don't think I can function with her being around. I'm supposed to be boarding my jet out to Connecticut right now but Meredith keeps badgering me about her coming along. I keep telling her 'no' but she doesn't seem to be listening…

"I can come with you," she says for about the hundredth time in these past two days.

I shake my head looking at my phone, "There's no need."

"No, I should come with you. I'll call off at the hospital."

"No, there's no need," I say checking my calendar, "I'm fine. I can handle it."

"This is too stressful for you, Addison."

"Bizzy had an aneurysm. She died in her sleep. I'm a doctor. Patients die all the time," I say still not looking at her, "I can handle it."

"This isn't some patient. This is your mother's funeral," Meredith lays her head softly on my arm.

I take off my sunglasses turning to the plane staff, "Those bags aren't going to load themselves!" I turn back to Meredith and put my sunglasses back on, "I'll be back in a week."

I walk in the door of my family home and it's surprisingly quiet… I make my way into the house while the staff takes my things up to my old room. I haven't been back home really since medical school… and really, nothing has changed. Everything is in its same place, it's all the same staff and I walk into the living room to my father in his same spot, his favorite chair, already drunk… it was expected, so it doesn't really phase me. What does though, is the fact that I don't see my brother around anywhere. The Captain explains that he was here earlier until a girl showed up at the door… he didn't have to explain anymore after that.

Lucky me, it's almost midnight and I won't have to deal with guests until the morning. I excuse myself upstairs to my room and get ready for bed. I'm going to need a good night's sleep if I'm going to get through tomorrow with my family.

Archer must've come home some time in the middle of the night because he's here when I wake, already entertaining some of Bizzy's friends. I take my time getting ready before I head downstairs and plaster on one of my infamous fake smiles. I don't even make my way all the way into the room before the Captain is ordering me to mix him a drink. While making him a drink, I decide to go ahead and pour myself one as well. I don't see how else I'm going to get through today.

Evening is approaching and the Captain is starting on yet another story about a family vacation we took… those stupid family vacations where we all pretended to like each other… I don't know how much longer I can keep up this façade. Thankfully the doorbell rings and I excuse myself from the room. It's probably one of Bizzy's guests. I rather play hostess than deal with the Captain right now. Opening the door, Meredith, Richard, Mark, Cristina, Miranda and Izzie are all there. I'm shocked, angry and… maybe a tad appreciative that they showed up.

I just smile, "Hello. Thank you for coming."

"Look, we, uh, we didn't mean to ambush you or anything…" Meredith starts.

Miranda steps in, "We just wanted to be here for you."

"Of course. How lovely," I say inviting them in, "Won't you come in for a drink?"

"Oh, yeah, totally creepy," Cristina half whispers to Meredith as they walk past me coming in the door.

Closing the door behind them, I escort them through the house to living room where the other guests and the Captain are drinking. I explain, "A few of Bizzy's friends stopped by to pay their respects."

"Which means gossip and drink our booze… Hi, good to see you all. Thank you for coming," the Captain says right before he starts to fall but I steady him.

Richard shakes his head, "Of course."

"Well, what do we have here? Archer says walking in as I step out into the hall.

I walk back to the door and step out into the cold, crisp air to breath. I just stepped out for air but then the funeral director pulls into the driveway. I remember him being on my calendar for today but I guess time escaped me because I didn't realize it was already six o'clock. We exchange greetings then I let him know that we'll be ready for our meeting in a few minutes. I show him to the front room but by the time I walk back into the living room, just about everyone has a glass in their hand and Archer is talking to them about a trip he took to Gansu, China.

Maybe Cristina sees the look on my face but she speaks up, "Well, we should probably get back to our hotel."

"Oh, no. We have plenty rooms here," Archer tells them.

Mark shakes his head, "No, no, Archer that's not necessary."

"No, I'm grieving. It's decided. You're all staying," Archer says again.

I cut in finally, "I don't mean to be rude… but we have to sit down for a meeting with the funeral director."

"Go ahead," Richard urges, "We, we can, we can take care of ourselves."

"You'll have to pour your own drinks," the Captain says walking away, "The house has been closed since Bizzy left."

"Pour our own drinks? Shame," Cristina mocks as I go to follow them.

Meredith comes up behind me and stops me by kissing me on the cheek, "Hey, I know you didn't want me to come, but I'm happy to see you."

"Thank you," I force a smile then I walk off to join them.

The funeral director starts speaking the moment I sit down in the room, "In lieu of flowers, Mrs. Montgomery stated that donations be made in her name to the city ballet or the garden club."

"I'm bored," Archer groans, "Is there a reason I have to be here for this?"

"Yes, the reason being that our mother is dead and you're apart of this family," I say rolling my eyes.

The Captain just drinks more, "I've spoken to a lot of her friends but I may have missed some. I'm not sure where Bizzy's address book is."

"Not to worry," the funeral director explains, "Mrs. Montgomery met with me every year to update the contact information of the people she wanted to invite."

"God forbid the wrong sort show up," Archer says sarcastically.

The funeral director continues, "Well, to be clear, she wanted a public memorial service with a reception to be followed at the house. The interment is just for family and close friends the following morning."

"Well," Archer says standing up, "it sounds like Bizzy thought of everything."

"One last thing," Archer stops and turns around to listen, "Mrs. Montgomery requested that there would be one eulogy."

"I'd be happy to do it," the Captain offers.

The funeral director turns to me, "Actually sir, she asked that Addison do it."

"What?" I say shocked… Fucking Bizzy.

We escort the funeral director out of the house and by the time we walk back into the living room, all of the guests except for our special Seattle guests have left. Of course the Captain always has something to say, "Are you people still here?"

"Oh, they're staying, Captain," Archer explains.

Izzie corrects, "Actually, sir―"

"My mother died," Archer interrupts, "You're staying."

"Well in that case, someone refill my drink," the Captain holds up his cup and thankfully, Archer steps up to do it.

Since I have no more duties now, I step up to leave, "If you all will excuse me, it's been a long day. I'm gonna go lay down."

"I have a question first," the Captain sits down, "You're all doctors in this room, right? Every single one of you… So, how does an army of doctors let my wife die without even a good old-fashioned fight? I mean, how many hundreds of thousands of dollars did your parents waste on medical school so you could let a relatively young and healthy woman just die on your watch?"

"It was a heart attack, Captain," I say as Archer brings him back his drink, "It happened fast and we weren't there. I told you that."

"I thought she said it was an aneurysm," Cristina whispers to Meredith.

I look over to her dazed, "What?"

"Uh," she clears her throat, "you said she died of an aneurysm."

"Right," I nod, "That's right."

"Well just now you said heart attack."

"It's an aneurysm. I'm just tired," I explain.

Archer rolls his eyes, "Geesh, she's grieving. You're going to split hairs?"

"If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go lay down," I start to walk away.

Mark calls out, "Addison, if you need someone to talk to―"

"Thank you. I just need to rest," I turn and make my way up the stairs.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here on the bed staring at Susan's urn but I'm assuming it had been a while because Meredith walks in looking exhausted, "Oh, I, uh, I thought you'd be sleeping."

"Susan's in there."

"What?" she asks going into her suitcase.

I point to the urn, "In the urn… I had her cremated at her request and they delivered the urn today. It's pretty don't you think?"

"Uh, okay," she clears her throat.

I shrug, "Cremation is such a strange thing."

"Addison―"

"I don't think I wanna be cremated, except for the poetry of it, the biblical allusion…" I cut her off never taking my eyes off the urn, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. That's nice."

"Look, baby, why don't we lie down?" she offers sitting down beside me, "Alright? Let me hold you while you sleep?"

"I don't want to be cremated. Maybe I'll donate my body to science… We had this cadaver back in medical school… We called him Mr. Mulligan. I have no idea why… actually, Derek named it after his favorite math teacher… Mr. Mulligan… When we were done, we gave him a memorial service. We thanked him for his sacrifice and his contribution to our education... We lit candles… I think that's what i'll do. Donate my body to science," I say standing up.

Meredith stops me, "Where are you going?"

"I don't think I can sleep with Susan in the room," I say grabbing her urn and walking out.

I put Susan in the hall closet for now but I don't go back immediately… I can't deal with Meredith staring at me with those big blue eyes. I need some space… I need a drink. I make my way downstairs to kitchen. I was hoping to be alone but Richard is in here.

I turn around to walk away, "Oh, excuse me."

"Sorry, I was just… sometimes I need a little something to help me sleep," he says mixing honey into his tea.

I grab two bottles of wine out of the cellar and a glass out of the cabinet, "So do I."

"You shouldn't drink alone," he says holding up his tea, "To Bizzy."

"Right. To Bizzy," I down my glass and pour myself up another. Maybe this wine isn't strong enough… "How are you with words?"

"Sorry?"

"I have to write a eulogy by tomorrow and I could use a little help," I down the other one too… Not feeling a thing I pour another and down that one too, "So, are you a good writer?"

"No, not really. Plus, I didn't really know Bizzy," he shrugs.

That makes me laugh, "No one did."

"Well, maybe don't write it," he says and I can't bring myself to stop laughing, "Maybe just, uh, get up there and speak from the heart."

"Sorry, she did this to me, you know? This is her final insult,"I say pouring another glass, "Her final cruelty, to pick me… to stand up in front of everyone and lie."

"You really think you have to lie?"

I sip on my drink this time, "Believe me. No one walks to hear the truth."

"You mean that your mother killed herself?" he says and I'm stunned, "I'm the chief. I saw the death certificate. For what it's worth, I'm really sorry." I get up from the table grabbing my glass and the bottles, "I can't imagine how it must feel. So if you wanna talk, I'm your guy… and even if you don't, my lips are sealed. Either way, tomorrow in that chapel, you stand up… say whatever the hell you want. Funerals aren't for the dead. They're for the living. They're to help us survive when it feels like the grief might just kill us. Tomorrow's for you, Addison. you hear me? Say whatever the hell you want."

I don't think I ever fell asleep. I laid around all night while Meredith held me close to her and snored in my ear. It's not like I'm not used to it… I just stayed up all night thinking about burying Bizzy… what I'm going to say and what to do with Susan… It was enough to keep me up all night so luckily, I was able to get up before Meredith and get ready. She's just now coming out of the shower and is getting dressed in the bathroom.

I'm tired and I don't want to be so I make my way into the Captain and Bizzy's bathroom. Opening their medicine cabinet, I see a boatload of pills. I scroll my fingers pass them before I find a bottle of oxy prescribed to the Captain. I open it up taking one out and popping it quickly into my mouth. I don't see Archer anywhere so I'm assuming he is asleep. I make my way down the hall to his room.

"Archer, you're not allowed to oversleep and miss Bizzy's funeral," when I open door and he's in bed with Izzie Stevens, "Some clothes would be nice, preferably something black."

Sitting here in the pews, I don't even hear anything the minister is saying. Thank God for the oxy because if I wasn't numb before, I definitely am now and it'll make it way easier to say what I have to say. I wonder if this is what death feels like… to be completely numb, to feel a whole lot of nothing… to be empty inside. This has to be what it feels like.

"Addison," Meredith whispers and I turn around to her, "uh…"

She points up to the minister and I realize that it's time to deliver eulogy. I get up making my way to the stand, "My mother told us that we should never cry in public. The Forbes's didn't do that. If we needed to shed tears it should be in the privacy of one's own home. Even better, in the privacy of our own room. I'm going to do my best to honor that today… In her sixty-two years, Bizzy taught me and my brother a lot of things… For as long as I can remember, she always told us never to settle for second best. It wasn't enough to be good at something, we had to be standouts at whatever we did. Bizzy didn't believe that every camper should get a feather. My mother threw herself into everything. She did more volunteer work than anyone I know. She was also a leading member of Greenwich Society. She was president of the Junior League for almost twenty years. She also ran the Chamber of Commerce book sale every year. But even though her volunteer duties kept her extremely busy, she always had time for her family. She was also very good at sports. She held the state high school record for the Fifty-yard Backstroke. That record was only recently broken this year. My mother was a woman who believed in accomplishment above all else. I think she remained true to that belief until the day she died. May she rest in peace."

For the rest of the day, I play hostess at the house until all guests finally leave. Night has fallen now and I find myself back in my room staring at Susan's ashes. Why didn't they just send them to her family? Did she even have any family? Susan was there all my life. I've never seen her anywhere but by Bizzy's side now that I think about it.

Meredith walks in closing the door behind her and I manage a small smile, "I don't know what to do with Susan. It seems wrong that she wasn't at the memorial. I just keep moving her from room to room."

"That was a nice eulogy."

"Thank you."

"Now tell me the real one," she says and it shocks me.

I get up from the bed, "I need a drink."

"I want to hear the real one."

"Meredith, I really don't have the energy for this," I start to walk away but she blocks the door.

She shakes her head, "I want to hear the real one."

"No, Mer―"

"Be real with me," she says holding onto me.

I try to pull her off, "Mer―"

"Give me the real one," she says and I can't look at her, "I need to hear your real voice because this Stepford WASP thing, it's not―"

"Mer, please back up," I plead.

She shakes her head again, "No, I'm not backing up."

"You're scaring me."

"No, Addison, you're scaring me. I want to hear the real eulogy," she struggles to hold me down, "I want to hear the truth. I want to hear from the woman that I love―"

"Back off Meredith!"

"Addie, you're hiding so much pain under that frozen grin that I can barely breathe looking at you!"

"My mother died," I cry as all my walls come crashing down.

Meredith holds onto me, "I know. I know. I know. I know, it's okay."

I think I cried myself to sleep in Meredith's arms because I woke up to the two of us fully clothed on top of the sheets in the middle of the night. I lucked out of telling her the truth… I don't think I can… It's too much. Fortunately, Meredith's a heavy sleeper so it was easy to get her undressed and tucked into bed without waking her. I throw on my coat and boots then I make my way quietly out of the room.

I think I'll go up to the roof and get some fresh air. We have a little sitting area up there near a fire pit for cold nights like these. Climbing the stairs, I come out on the room and I see Archer laid out on the couch nursing a bottle of Scotch.

I walk up behind him, "What are you doing up here?"

"Oh, I'm honoring Bizzy," he says drunkenly trying to clear some space, "Not that she ever got sloppy drunk… Say what you want about her, the woman could hold her liquor."

"Come on back in the house," I say trying to take the bottle from him, "I'll make you some coffee."

"Oh no no no no no no no no no," he grabs bottle back and pours another glass, "Ahh… You and me, how'd we end up such messes, huh? Look at us. You screwed your husband's best friend and now you're screwing an intern, and I'm―well, I'm screwing anything with a pulse."

"I… am in love with Meredith," I correct sitting down next to him.

He looks to me with a smirk, "huh."

"And you… well, you're drinking here all alone, grieving, because we're real people with real feelings… despite Bizzy's best example."

"Well," he holds up his glass, "here's to that."

"She killed herself, Archer," I pause, "It wasn't an aneurysm or a heart attack. She took some… took a bottle of pills."

"Well, isn't that just par for the course?" he says pouring another glass and downing it.

I roll eyes but I take his glass and pour myself a drink, "I've spent so much of my life judging people. You know that? I've been so judgmental. It was actually one of the few traits I did get from Bizzy. I mean, when I was younger, I would've thought it was weak. Suicide―it's so weak. I mean, what was she thinking? How could she do that to us―to the Captain, to her children? But… when I found her… all I thought was, well… that's that… People who do that, they're not… thinking. She wasn't thinking, lying there broken. She was… broken from grief… She was out to sea and she drowned. It doesn't make her selfish. It doesn't even mean that she didn't love us in her own way… Maybe that's what I would've said. If I could've told the truth, that's what I would've said."

Archer doesn't say anything… We just sit here for the rest of the night drinking each other's drink… not saying anything but feeling everything. Day breaks before we know it and we both make our way back downstairs into the house. I have a god awful headache and I find myself back in the Captain and Bizzy's medical cabinet. I'm no addict and I don't plan on becoming one… I just need something to help me get through this day… I just need something to help me bury my mother.

At the funeral home, Meredith holds my hand the entire time. The only time I was able to get away from her was during my final goodbye to Bizzy. I placed Susan in Bizzy's casket… I figured there was no place else she'd rather be… I kissed her goodbye with my hand and wiped the couple of tears that escaped my eyes before I turn to walk away.

They moved Bizzy down to her plot right after and soon, started the interment. Three of Bizzy's close friends, Archer, the Captain, Mark, Meredith and I were the only ones allowed to be here today. They start to lower her body into the ground and Archer starts to cry. Although it scared me, I hold his hand… I feel like I should feel something but I just feel dead inside. I feel like I'm the one in that casket.

I know… I know it's Bizzy… but it feels like me.