In Which Addison Disappears

The sun is shining brightly through the glass walls of Lillie's house. For a summer in New York, you expect days like this. Good days… It was supposed to be a good day… however Lillie called asking me to make a house visit because she wasn't feeling well enough to come in. Lillie was my first patient; I still remember running around the hospital my first day of intern year and Lillie making fun of me saying that she'd request a new doctor if I poked her in the wrong place one more time. We grew to become fast friends and now that I have my own practice, I still treat her. I'm giving her a quick examination while she eyes my new purse.

"New bag?" she asks.

I glance over at it and I nod, "Mmhm. Chloe, on sale."

"Chloe's never on sale, you lucky bitch. I love Chloe…" she sighs, "and Bottega Veneta… and―"

"Hermes."

"Oh, Hermes. I'll miss Hermes," she says and as I press on a tender spot she squirms, "Ohh."

"Is that tender?"

"Everything's tender," she exhales, "It's gone to my liver, hasn't it?"

"I don't know, but we knew that that was a possibility. I'd like to readmit you to the hospital, run some tests."

"I can't. I can't go to the hospital."

"Lillie, I know tha―that this is scary, but―"

"I'm not scared. I have stage IV Ovarian cancer. I've had two courses of chemo, three biopsies, one hysterectomy… I'm way beyond scared," she pauses then looks down to the floor, "It's Milo. I can't leave him."

"Your cat?" I chuckle a little as Milo hops up on her, "Lil-Lillie, I know that you're attached, but―"

"He's my world. I spent my life working to make my design studio a go. And it did, and it was great, but I thought there'd be time for everything else, and there wasn't. But I had Milo. And now… I can't leave him alone," she explains as he rubs up against me purring.

I smile thinking of what to do, "Well, um… okay. I can find you a cat walker or a sitter or, you know, a… whatever. I―you―you need to get back to the hospital."

"I need to make sure that Milo's okay. I need to find somebody to look after him…" she sighs looking over to me with pleading eyes, "Somebody I can trust."

Milo purrs up against me and I end up keeping him while she's in the hospital. I take him to work with me at practice and I realize I have no idea how to take care of a cat. We've had horses… with trainers and riders… Oh, I had a pet hermit crab once… but the air filter was too noisy so I shut it off and he died… I was about to find someone else to keep him but I'm paged by one of Lillie's nurses. I run by Kathleen's office asking her to keep Milo for me and I make my way across the street to the hospital.

Walking into the room, I hear a voice say, "I want you to press this button whenever you have discomfort, okay?"

"Lillie," I call out walking through the door.

She smiles looking over to me, "Dr. Montgomery, this is Dr. Reynolds."

"I'm Brian," he offers out his hand, "her new oncologist."

"Addison. I did the initial resection,"I explain to him then I turn to Lillie, "Morphine, huh? The pain's worse? Well, hopefully after the chemo, it should start to subside."

"I'm actually not recommending that," he interjects.

I look at him crazily, "But if we can give her a few more months, then…"

"I know you're a surgeon and you like to fix things, and Lillie told me how good you are, but I think it might be time to let go."

"I think that's not your call."

"No, it's mine," Lillie intervenes, "I'm sorry, Addison. You did your best. I'm grateful but he's right. I've decided… I think I was holding on to my life but once you agreed to take Milo, there's no reason to anymore. It's time."

"What―Whats this?" I ask as the saleswoman holds up a costume to me.

She dances with it, "It's a Christmas angel. You can take your kitty caroling."

"We're outta here," I turn to walk away.

I decided since it looks like I'll be keeping Milo a little longer than I expected, I might as well go by the pet store. I asked Derek's sister, Kathleen to come with me and find him something nice like an outfit or carrier. I know how much Lillie likes designer things so I figured seeing Milo in something nice might lift her spirits a little… Maybe even get her to change her mind about hospice… but there's too many crazies in here.

Kathleen stops me and turns around to the woman, "Um, th―this isn't her cat. This is, uh, for a temporary cat she's taking care of. So no caroling but thank you."

"You really know how to talk to the crazies?" I whisper to her as the lady walks away.

She just laughs, "It's my job."

"Okay, this place is insane, alright? We are in retail purgatory… all because I'm trying to do a good deed for my patient."

"Let's go over here," she says walking me to an empty aisle, "This looks safe."

"Oh, cute bag," I pick up a huge purse.

Kat shakes her head at me, "That's a cat carrier."

"Really?"

"What? You think Milo would like it?"

"I think Lillie would like it," I say looking it over again.

I'm back at the hospital now with Milo in hand and we're going to visit his mommy. I know he's probably been wondering where she was all day and why he was with me so I'm sure this visit will be good for the both of them. I come out of the elevator and round the corner when a voice calls out to me.

"Uh, we don't allow animals in here," he says and I turn around to see that it's Lillie's oncologist, "I'm kidding. I'm impressed."

"With this?" I ask holding up the new cat carrier, "It is pretty fabulous, isn't it?"

"No, that you'd bring a cat for a visit. It's very nice of you," he grins, "Maybe you're a cat person after all."

"I know you think you're paying me a compliment, but I don't think so," I smile softy.

He clears his throat, "No? Oh, actually I was hoping it would flatter you enough that you'd have coffee with me."

"You're asking me out on a date as we walk to our terminally ill patient's room?"

"I'm an oncologist. I'm always walking to a terminally ill patient's room. I ask where I can, when I can or I'd never get to ask."

"Sorry, but I'm married," I turn to walk into her room but then I stop turning back around, "Ah, you know what? Can you just hold this for a minute?"

"Sure," he says taking the cat carrier, "Hey, Milo."

"Hello, Milo," I smile taking him out of the carrier, "There we go. How's his hair?"

"Perfect."

"Okay, bud," I smile and turn to walk into the room.

When I walk inside, Lillie's lifeless body is laying on the bed… Some nurses are covering up her body and I can't say a word. I look at Milo and luckily he doesn't see this. He's staring out into the hall. Dr. Reynolds turns to me and says he's sorry… but all I can think about is how sorry I am. Lillie died alone… she was alone. She didn't have anyone there with her.

I wake up abruptly from my sleep missing Milo… I kept him until he passed away from old age. He was a great companion. You know how people say cats are mean and don't care about anyone but themselves? It's not true… or at least Milo was different. He seemed to always be there when I needed him. It's like he actually understood me and what was going on in the world… It was the grayest day in New York when Milo left this world… I will forever miss him…

I look over at the clock and I see that it's only two-something in the morning and I should probably try to get back to sleep… I roll over cuddling into Meredith's back.

"Der," I sigh, "I'm so tired. I will never allow you to trick me into hiking ever again."

"Oh, Addie, you know you're having fun," he grins at me.

It makes me melt just a little, "Fine, I'll admit it is kind of beautiful out here."

"Help me!" we hear faint screams and start running towards it, "Help me! Over here."

"What happened?" I question as we come up on him.

The man tries to explain, "My wife―"

"Alright, pulse and respiratory rate are rapid," Derek says while he exams him.

I hold my phone up in the air, "I have no signal this deep in the canyon."

"Use mine," he says and I grab it out of his pocket while he works. His phone doesn't have signal either, "Alright, tender on the right side."

"He's losing a lot of blood."

"My wife―" he tries again.

Derek nods, "We're gonna call her just as soon as we can, sir."

"Our car crashed. I tried to get help," he says and I realize that she's here too, "She's over there. Help my wife."

"Thank God you came," the wife tries to smile from inside the car.

I smile opening the door and I see that she's pregnant, "My name's Addison."

"I'm Kara."

"I'm a doctor. Where does it hurt?"

"Everywhere… and we're stuck. Can you― Could you get us out?" she asks calmly, "Where's Jake? Did they get him to the hospital?"

"Jake's with my husband, Derek. He's a doctor," I say trying to think of the safest way to move her, "Let's try to get you out of this car, okay?"

"I can't. My arm is stuck."

"Can you feel your fingers?"

"I could yes―yesterday. Now they're tingly. I'm worried about the baby."

"You've been here since yesterday?"

"It was getting dark when we crashed and Jake left before sunset. When he didn't come back, I was afraid… Thank God he made it out."

"We found him about a few minutes ago."

"He was out there all night?" she pauses trying to look around, "But I thought you were here to get me out. It's just you and your husband? You can't get me out."

"Listen to me. Jake is alive. Derek is helping him but I need to check the baby," I pause, "Now when's your due date?"

"Today. I'm due today," she starts to panic.

I get her calm then I go to make my way back to Derek. He comes to meet me about halfway up the hill and I shake my head, "She's dehydrated. I'm afraid of vascular collapse."

"The baby's okay?"

"She says she can feel movement, but I can't angle in to hear the fetal heartbeat. There could be a placental abruption. I don't know," I shrug, "How's he doing?"

"Broken rib, he's got a deep gash to his thigh, bleeding internally… he's bad. I gotta get help fast."

"You think you can get outta here before dark?"

"If I run," he shrugs, "maybe."

"It took us three hours to get in."

"It's our best bet," he looks at me.

I nod, "Alright, I'll just go back and forth between 'em, try to keep them both stable until you come back with help."

"Alright, I'll put a pressure dressing on him so he doesn't bleed out, then I'll go."

"Go fast, Derek."

Derek runs off towards Jake and I go to sit in car with the wife. I start to exam her belly, "Does that hurt?"

"This is my fault―the crash. A bee flew in the car, and I grabbed Jake's arm. I didn't mean to. It was an accident," she says and I continue my exam, "That hurts."

"That's your rib. It's probably broken."

"That ought to make delivery really fun," she jokes.

I smirk, "My vote is for a C-section in a hospital."

"I second that vote," she shakes her head, "Jake wanted a home birth. I told him that's fine as long as the baby comes outta him."

"Addison!" Derek calls out.

I excuse myself and run to him as he drags Jake down the hill, "What happened?"

"Collapsed lung."

"Easy," I say helping Derek lay him down near the car, "There we go, there we go."

"I had to improvise a chest tube. He's stable, but we have to keep opening the tube every half an hour or he'll arrest. I brought him here so you could watch both of 'em."

"What's happening?" Kara calls out from car.

Jake pleads, "Tell her I'm okay, please."

"He's okay, Kara," I call out to her as I turn back to my husband, "Derek, it's gonna be dark soon."

"I know. We had a hard enough time finding the trail during the daylight. The car came from somewhere. I'm gonna try to find the road," he says and I kiss him deeply.

He's about to run off when he pauses and turns around to me, "I'll be fine."

"Alright," he nods.

I make my way over to Kara and as I sit down in the driver's seat. She asks, "What's happening?"

"Nothing. It's just, Jake's having―" I'm cut off by the car knocking out of gear and it taking off down the hill. We both start screaming.

"Hit the brakes!" I hear Derek's voice call out.

I step on the brakes but the car doesn't stop until it crashes into a tree. I think I may have blacked out for a moment because when I'm come to, Derek is screaming with so much panic in his voice, "ADDISON! Addison!"

"I'm okay," I say after a moment, "Kara?"

"I'm still here," she answers and a weight is lifted off my shoulders.

Derek finally catches up to us, "Are you okay? Is she okay?" I nod and he reaches through the window, "You're bleeding."

"What?" I say still dazed, "I hit my head, alright. It's nothing. I'm okay."

"Let me take a look at it," he says as I reach for the handle.

When the door doesn't budge I sigh, "I can't open the door."

"What?"

"I can't open the door."

"Here," he tries to open it from the outside.

I push on the door, "Help me."

"There's a rock blocking the door. Can you get out the window? If you can't get out, I can't leave. Jake, his tubing, it'll clog" he says then tries to whisper, "and he will die."

"We're gonna have to… probably gonna have to stay here through―wait out the night," I explain to Kara then I turn back to Derek, "You have to go. Its our only chance."

"I'm gonna go get Jake. That way I can help you and him," Derek says running off.

Kara looks to me, "Will he make it through the night?"

"Yes," I nod, "If the tube holds, yeah."

"Good. That's good," she screams out in pain, "It hurts. Something hurts. I think I'm bleeding."

It's not blood. Your water broke. You're in labor," I reach down to check her cervix and I feel toes, "Something's wrong."

"That's funny. Everything's wrong."

"The force of the impact shifted the baby. He's in a breech position."

"What does that mean?" she starts to panic again, "Is he okay?"

"It means that his legs are pointing down. I can't deliver him in this position without turning him," I try to maneuver around in the car for a better position, "Don't move. Hold still. I'm gonna try to flip the baby. It's gonna hurt."

After about a minute, Kara screams, "Stop. Did it work?"

"I'm sorry," I say shaking my head.

Derek walks up to the car, "How are you doing?"

"The baby―It's a footling breech. I can't move him, and he's coming."

"How long?"

"Soon," I sigh, "And even if I do manage to turn him, I don't know if I can deliver in this position."

"We can't wait till sunrise."

"I know…" I whisper, "I'm afraid we're gonna lose all three of them."

"I won't let that happen. I promise," he takes my chin and kisses my forehead, "I'm going to sew the tube into his skin so it won't get pulled out of place. Give him more time for me to get back with help."

"Okay," I nod.

A few minutes later, Derek comes back to the door, "I sewed the tube in. He's exhausted but stable. How's the labor?"

"It's progressing quickly. Okay, don't fall or get hurt or do anything that might cause you to die in this canyon," I pause looking at him directly in his eyes, "You have to come back."

"Okay."

"Alright," I say as he kisses me again before running off, "Be careful."

"I feel something! Oh my God. I feel something," Kara screams and I reach down to check, "What is it?"

"It's nothing."

"Tell me. Just tell me. It's bad enough without you not saying things."

"The baby's foot it's come out through the cervix."

"His foot?"

"I can't deliver him like this. He'll die. He's not fully engaged, so I need to push him back up through the birth canal and try to invert him from the inside."

"What? Are you kidding me?!"

"It's bad, but you can do this. Just take a deep breath. I'm gonna be right here with you, all right? And we're both just―we're both just gonna breathe. Take a deep breath. Okay, ready?" she nods and I begin to try to turn the baby again.

After a minute or so, she screams again, "No, I can't! I can't! Stop! Stop! Stop it!"

"Kara, don't give up on me," I plead, "I need you to try."

"You can do it, baby!" Jake calls out, "You can do it!"

"No, I can't!"

"Oh, yes, you can! You're the most stubborn woman I know! It's not too hard for you! We can do this!"

"No, I don't want to!" she cries.

Jake yells back, "Please. Kara, listen to me! You know how most times―you're the one who's always in charge of us, right?! You decide where we eat, what color the baby's room's gonna be, where we're gonna go on vacation! And it works 'cause I trust you and I know you want what's best for us! Now it's my turn! I'm the one who's in charge! I'm in charge of us, and I say you can do this! So you have to do this! It's my turn, okay?! I know what's best! You have to trust me! Kara you have to do this!"

"Just do it," she says to me.

I nod, "Alright? Let's try again. Okay? You ready? Okay, here we go," I start and she cries, "Come on. A little bit more… Almost… Yes!"

"What just what happened?!" Jake calls out, "Did she do it?! We did it! I love you, Kara!"

"Oh, I love you, too!"

"Lift your butt then push," I instruct.

She shakes her head, "No! I can't move."

"The baby can't come out, Kara, until you push," I explain, "Now lift."

"You can do it! You can do it, baby!" Jake cheers her on.

Kara shakes her head, "I can't!"

"Kara, look at me. Look at me. We are both trapped in this car. We are both scared and terrified alright? But you have a guy outside this car who is waiting for you. You have a guy who loves you. Now if you don't do what I tell you to do, you will die. You will die on him… and if you die, you will break him. Jake will be broken. Someone loves you. So we're not gonna sit here and debate this. When I tell you to push, you are damn well going to push! Right?" I ask and she nods, "So push! Push!"

"Okay," she starts to push.

When I clear the baby's shoulders, I smile and I pull him out the rest of the way, "Good. Alright. Good. Baby's out. The baby's out."

"How is he? Is he okay? Is he okay? Oh no. He can't be―you have to help him. You have to help him. Help him. You have to help him," she starts to panic but as soon as I clear the baby's airways, it starts to cry, "He's okay?"

"Well, first of all, someone missed something on the ultrasound, because he is a she. And, yes… she's okay," I hold her out to Kara.

She cries happy tears this time, "She's so beautiful."

"And everything's perfect. Ten fingers, ten toes," I smile.

Kara calls out, "Jake, we had a girl! Jake, it's a girl!"

"Jake, your daughter is gorgeous!" I call out but get nervous when he doesn't respond, "Can you hear me?"

"Do you see him? Is he moving?" Kara asks.

I look out the window to see a helicopter and Derek jumping out of it running towards us. I smile, "Derek! We had the baby!"

"But Jake―how's Jake? Tell me he's alive," Kara starts to get frantic, "Tell me!"

"He's still alive! EMT's almost there. We're gonna have to pull him up in the helicopter," he explains as I hand him the baby.

I nod just happy to be getting out of here, "Take her up and have them put her on oxygen."

"Okay, I'll be right back," he smiles running off with the baby. A few minutes later, he comes back to the car, "So they're gonna have you guys outta here in a couple of minutes."

"How is he?"

"He lost a lot of blood, but I think he's gonna be okay."

"And the baby?"

"Paramedics have her on O2. She's nice and pink."

"You guys did good," a paramedic walks over to Derek, "Door's coming off now. We need you to stand clear."

"Thank you," Kara starts, "Just, thank you."

"You don't have to," I try to stop her.

She shakes her head, "I do… and I swear, when we get outta here, I am naming that baby Addison."

"That's good," a paramedic walks the guy with the saw through cutting open the door, "That's good."

"I'm bringing 'em in," one says and I notice something wrong with Kara.

They go to cut again and I start to scream, "Hold up! Hold up! Derek! She's crashing. She's losing blood! The pressure from the door must have tamponaded the wound. She's crashing! She's crashing!"

They hurry Kara out of the car and onto a stretcher. I crawl out of the car after her and they rush getting her into the helicopter but it might be too late. She's lost so much blood… and it's all over my clothes. Derek climbs in after us while I do just about everything I can to stop the bleeding and keep her heart beating. They get her hooked up to the machines and there's no heartbeat.

"Charge the paddles. You heard me. Charge the paddles," I'm screaming at the top of my lungs.

Derek looks at me sadly, "Addison, it's been 20 minutes. She's gone… She's gone… Addison… Addison! She's gone."

I wake up in a cold sweat. It's been eleven days since Bizzy's body was inserted into the ground. I've been back in Seattle for eight and back at Meredith's house for about three. She's been keeping a close eye on me but very passive aggressively… like when I first got back she kept inviting me over to her place. I kept declining but by day five, she got me to go out on a date with her and drove us back to her house. She's gotten me to stay the night for the next two days after…

I haven't been able to sleep much. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to get back asleep… so I just find myself thinking about all the horrible things in my life from Derek all the way to my family. Like right now, it's four in the morning and I've been lying here for about an hour. I might as well start getting ready for the day. I crawl out of the bed and into the bathroom. I turn on the hot water and let it run while I grab a book off the shelf.

I undress, turn off the water and slide into the tub. I only get a few pages into my book before I start thinking about Bizzy again… For my daughter to be something more than a passive spectator to the death of someone I love… Oh, for heaven sakes, Addison. Stop talking. I am alone. I'm completely and utterly alone. My life began when I met Susan. Do you understand that? She meant everything to me… Then I think about the Captain… Addison, oh good thing you're here, I need a drink… and Archer… You screwed your husband's best friend and now you're screwing an intern… Then I think about myself… Even though you can't say it… you've never said it… I love you and I am here.

She wasn't thinking, lying there broken. She was… broken from grief… She was out to sea and she drowned. It doesn't make her selfish. It doesn't even mean that she didn't love us in her own way… I'm so tired of thinking. I put down my book and next thing you know, I'm sinking under the water in the tub…

"Addison," Meredith calls pulling me out of the water, "Addison, what are you doing?"

"I was just…" I wipe my wet hair behind my ears, "taking a bath."

"Addison…" she looks at me knowingly and I shrug her off.

I get out the tub, dry off and I start getting ready for the day. By the time I finish getting made up, Meredith's already showered, dressed and pestering me about the bath following me out of the room to the laundry. Izzie is standing in the hall brushing her teeth when we walk out.

I try to get Meredith to shut up about it, "I was taking a bath."

"That's not a bath. I know what a bath looks like."

"Drop it."

"Look, your mother―"

"Drop it."

"Your mother is―"

"Gone! I'm fine. Everything is back to normal. Just… you're late for work," I say and Meredith starts to protest but luckily, her pager goes off, "I'll see you there."

"Fine," she kisses me and smiles to Izzie before she leaves, "Morning."

"I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub," I say to Izzie.

She just shrugs, "Hey, I ate everything out of the fridge last night; everything… including a tub of butter. There's no judgment here."

"You ever feel like you were just disappearing?"

"All the time," she sighs.

I sigh while saying mostly to myself, "Why can't I just be that happily ever after person? Why can't I believe in that?"

"I don't know what I believe in anymore," she says making her way to the bathroom and I shake my head as I make my way down the hall to the laundry room. Today has to be a better day… it just has to.

Running a little behind, I come in through the ambulance bay. There was so much traffic out and I ended up being paged to the ER by the time I pulled into the parking lot. I spot Miranda and her interns over by the Nurses' station Luckily, I get there before Richard walks up.

"Richard, what's going on?" Miranda asks.

He commands the room, "We just received word of a mass causality incident nearby. All available level one trauma centers have been asked to respond. I need to send a team into the field immediately. This is an emergent situation and I need all hands on deck."

"Seriously?" George asks.

Dr. Bailey shakes her head at him, "What happened?"

"I don't have details just orders," he says then looks to me, "Addie, I need you to go with them just in case."

"Okay," I nod.

I have a few minutes before we head out so I run up to my office to put away my things and grab my triage kit. When I get back down to the ER, Dr. Bailey's interns are just finishing preparing their triage kits and I make my way over to them.

Miranda walks up to us, "We're catching a ride with Seattle 34. Space is tight so hold your kits on your lap."

"Where we going?" Meredith asks as we follow Bailey out to the ambulance bay.

We approach Seattle 34, "We'll know when we get there."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm hauling supplies, I only have room for five," the paramedic stops us.

Miranda turns around as I climb into the ambulance, "Yang."

"Yes?"

"Stay with the Chief, take care of the incoming wounded. The rest of you come on," she says as they all climb in behind me.

The ambulance leaves and Cristina is left standing there. As we speed through Seattle, Dr. Bailey goes over a few key things with the rest of the group, "Move your ID's to the outside of your jacket. When we get there remember triage. Karev?"

"Green tags non emergent, yellow tags delayed care, red tags needs immediate treatment," he calls off.

Miranda nods, "Good. Assess carefully, tag, then get all critical patients into the ambulances as fast as possible. Don't get in the way of search and rescue and stay calm."

"Any word yet on what happened?"

"All we know is there are multiple traumas," she shrugs as the ambulance comes to a stop and George helps us out of the bus onto the dock.

Taking in this scene of utter destruction in front of me, I turn around to look at the interns and each of their faces is in complete shock. There was a ferry boat on fire, injured people and personnel everywhere… Just complete chaos.

"Holy mother of…" Alex stops himself.

George speaks up next, "Dr. Bailey, where do you need us?"

"Where should we start first?" Meredith questions.

George turns around to Miranda when she doesn't answer, "Dr. Bailey?"

"Okay, um, I don't have time to hold your hands. You know the protocol. Go do it," she shoos them away.

Alex turns to her, "Do what?"

"Go help people," she says and the interns each run off their own separate directions.

I start making rounds to see where I'm needed. I walk up to a paramedic, "You need some help?"

"Nothing more I can do here," he shakes his head.

I question, "How did this happen?"

"It was a fog bank; container ship clipped the ferry," he explains.

I stop for a moment as I see the makeshift morgue full of dead bodies. Feeling a little overwhelmed, I look around and I see Alex working on a patient. I walk over to him shaking my head, "This doesn't make sense. Ferry boats don't get in accidents. The moment you take one for granted along comes a container ship and bam." Alex just looks at me and I explain, "I have a thing for ferryboats…"

"Okay, take a deep breath for me," he returns to working on his patient, "Okay, you're gonna be okay. You're injuries are minor. An EMT is gonna come and take you to the hospital, okay?"

I hear someone crying and I look up to see a little girl standing over near a dead woman. I make my way over to her, kneeling down in front of her I ask, "Is this your mommy?" The little girl shakes her head 'no' so I ask, "Who are you with?" She doesn't answer and I nod, "Okay, I want you to stay right here, okay?" As I get up to leave, the little girl grabs my arm, "Stay right here." I look down at the girl's wet pants, "Did you wet your pants? That's okay. It happens sometimes."

"Coming through!" a paramedic yells as they run through bumping us with a stretcher. I hold the little girl close to me.

I spot Meredith and I lead the little girl over to her. Meredith's talking to a paramedic, "What do you got? Okay, someone hand me some bandages. Okay, stop here."

"Meredith."

"Addison, hey, you got a free hand?" she looks from me back to the paramedic, "Here, hold this bandage for me." She wraps her patient's leg up then looks back to me finally, "You alright?"

"Yeah, it's just…" I pause looking from the little girl back to Meredith, "a lot."

"Are you okay? Do you want to go back to the hospital? Is this too much for you right now?"

"What?" I shake my head, "No, I don't… no, I don't want that."

"Good. So, if that's not it, what is it?" she asks.

I shrug, "It isn't anything. Are you good cause I gotta get this kid to triage?"

"Yeah, okay. Let's go," she nods to the paramedic then looks at me, "Is she alright?"

"Yeah, she's good. She's just lost," I squeeze the little girl's hand.

Meredith nods, kisses me then walks away, "Hang in there. We're gonna get you to the hospital."

"Okay, we need to find a grown-up… well another grown-up to help you find your mom," she says as she sees a man crawling out of the water near the docks. He probably needs some help. I stop a passing officer, "Hey, I need you to take this little girl to the triage tents."

"I gotta get back to my unit."

"No, I need you to take this little girl to the triage tents for me, please," he nods and I bend down to her, "You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be fine. I promise."

I thank the officer then make my way over to the man on the dock as they start to walk away. I run over to the dock, "What happened?"

"Some metal, something hit my leg. I was thrown off," he strains holding onto his leg, "God, it hurts. It hurts."

"Okay."

"I started swimming. I need to go. I've got a meeting," he says as I start putting a bandage on his leg and he starts screaming.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sir but try to stay still," I start when the little girl walks up and taps me on the shoulder, "Don't look. Turn around. I need you to be brave for me. Just stand right there, don't move… and don't look."

"Okay. Damn it," I look up and I call out, "Can I get some help over here?" When no one answers, I look at the little girl, "Sweetie, listen to me. I need you to turn around. I know I told you to face away from me but we need to work together to save this man…" When she doesn't turn around, I try again, "I don't talk either when I get scared. I don't… talk when bad things happen. You don't have to say anything but I need your help." She finally turns around and I give her a reassuring smile, "Okay. Don't look down. Don't look at the blood. Look at me. Look at me." "Can you be my assistant?" I softly lift her head and she nods. I nod too, "Okay, good. I can't move my hands from where they are right now so I need you to go over to my kit and pull out the things that look like, um, like tweezers. You know what your mommy uses to pull a splinter out with?"

I just finish sewing up the businessman's leg and I get up to move up his body a bit, "Okay. It's okay. Uh, I have to deflate the blood pressure cuff and see if this makes…" When it works, I nod and smile to the little girl, "Okay. We saved him. You helped. We just have to bandage him up and find someone to take him to the hospital and then we're gonna find your mom okay."

The man starts shivering so I take off her coat and cover him with it. I start to bandage his wound when he starts to reach for his leg, "Oh, I can't stand the pain. I gotta get out of here."

"Sir, don't move. Don't move," I start as the man tries to stand up and when he does, he pushes me over the dock edge.

I hit the water with a harsh impact... It felt like cement... so hard that it left welts in my skin. The water is so cold and I can feel my body starting to freeze over the stinging feeling. I look up and I can see the sun glaring through the water. I start swimming towards it... As I emerge from the water, I let out a long needed breath. I look up to see the bottom of the dock but it's too far to reach… and it's so cold… I'm so cold…

This morning, in the tub... I thought about dying. No, I didn't try to drown myself... I didn't lie to Izzie... I just, I couldn't see the point anymore. I wanted to wake up and just be okay with the way things are but I can't... I can't find the reason to wake up every morning. Meredith should be it. She should be enough... I wanted her to be enough but something... I don't know... it's holding me down... making it hard to see past sadness and guilt... I wish my love for Meredith was enough.

"Meredith," I say quietly to myself. She kissed me goodbye this morning... It was short but sweet like she expected to be doing this for so much longer... If I knew that would be our last moment together... If I knew that was going to be our last kiss...

There's more I have to say. So much more. But I've disappeared. I stop fighting to stay above water. I stop swimming. My body sinks into the water and surprisingly, I'm calm. The water isn't cold anymore… It's peaceful―

Meredith just saw another patient off into an ambulance and decided to walk through the trauma scene to see if anyone needs any help. She comes up to a paramedic with a guy over near the dock edge but it looks like they got his wound tied off. She asks anyway, "You guys good? You okay?" He shrugs so she questions, "Yeah, what do you got?"

"Severely severed leg but he's got his artery tied off so…" he shrugs again, "something."

"Who tied off the artery?" she looks at the coat on the businessman and sees Addison's name badge, "Dr. Montgomery? This is her jacket."

"We found him like this. She must have moved on."

"Yeah, okay," Meredith says looking up and sees the little girl Addison was with earlier standing in the middle of the scene alone.

Meredith was about to walk over there when another paramedic walks up to her, "Doc?"

"Yeah. What is it?"

He shows her his patient and she looks over him, "Just stabilize the fracture and get him to the hospital as soon as possible."

Meredith makes his way over to the little girl, "Hi. You okay? Did a doctor bring you here? Huh, Addison? Addison okay?"

The little girl shakes her head.

"Well, do you know where she is?"

The little girl nods.

"Can you take me to her?"

The little girl looks very petrified and is scrambling her head around trying to look for where she was or maybe a familiar landmark. Meredith is holding her hand along beside her, "What? It's okay. Just think. Where is she? Which way did she go? It's okay. Take your time. Take all the time you need, you're doing great."

"What is it?" she asks when the little girl tugs on her hand.

She points to a red cross sign and they walk towards it. They stop on the dock and the little girl stares out into the water. Meredith smiles, "Good. Okay, use your words. Where exactly is Addison?"

The little girl points into the water and Meredith looks down into it terrified.

Hi, I hope you guys liked this. Please keep reviewing down below. The more I hear back from you guys, the faster I want to finish writing so I can post. Let me know what you like, don't like and like to see in the future. I promise you fluff is coming soon... it may get worse before it gets better though. I love all of you. Thanks for reading :)