Warning: canon typical violence. Death of the reader. Jiraiya lives au but at the cost of reader's life. So this is spoilers for the war arc a little. But not too much cuz I don't remember much of it in detail.
It's hard to stay strong.
It hasn't been that long since you died. And each day that passes the pain of it doesn't go away. Jiraiya looks around him. His friends. His comrades. People sworn to fight another new threat. Usually during the calm before the storm he's on edge like everyone else. But he's just... numb.
You should be here instead of him.
He couldn't ask you why. You passed away too quickly. All he could do was beg you not to go. But you didn't listen. You traded places with him. You healed him at the expense of your own life. You died in his arms with only a blood stained smile to offer. And he feels alone. It feels like no one cared about you other than him. They took your sacrifice in stride and told him how happy they were that he was still here.
He's not happy about it.
It feels like his heart only beats because it has to. He breathes because he has no choice. The feel of the grass on his toes and the wind on his skin isn't as refreshing as it once was. He only feels these things because you died.
It's a horrible feeling to clutch onto but he has no choice.
That's when the storm broke.
As Jiraiya contemplated why he's alive shit hit the fan. People were shaken at the sight before them. It was the enemy. But the enemy isn't exactly... alive. The old forbidden jutsu of resurrection. It's bad enough to bring back one, but a whole group?
From talented names that had barely started their legacy to the long forgotten. And it's a task not made easy. Cutting them open only stalled them. Particles seemed to pull from the void and gather around the wound. The paper like material inside of the resurrected pulled together and healed. No matter the size of the wound they didn't go down quickly.
The strategy was to find the one who is controlling them. Take out the head of this show and it'll all fall apart. At this point Jiraiya is with the mass of his allies, distracting and engaging the enemy so the small team assigned to seeking the puppet master out can do it without too many set backs.
Someone in surprise stammered you name. He stopped what he was doing completely and looked around. They wouldn't...
But there you are.
With cracks in your face and the whites of your eyes black. A resurrected puppet like the rest of them. As much as people have been saying that they are only dolls and not truly them it's still hard. It's a cruel lie and a cruel jutsu. These are the faces of the dead with all their special attacks but it's not them. Despite that he can't bring himself to block you when you head straight to him. He couldn't ever lay a finger on you.
"Move!" You cry out.
The simple kunai you were brandishing moves and he lets it. The armour he wears protects as much of the impact as it can but it only protect so much. It's designed to minimize damage but not stop it completely. Especially when the wearer practically hugs the knife.
"Why?" You whisper as you look up at him. "I don't want to hurt you."
"I know you don't."
He grimaced when you pull the blade out. You can't control yourself. Not completely anyways. You apologize and your hand shakes violently as you try to brace the wound you made. You're ice cold. Making him bleed is the last thing you want right now. He knows that.
Kabuto is a cruel man. Your only purpose in this plan is to kill Jiraiya. He wanted you to take out one of the heavy hitters in the enemy's ranks. And who else to do it than you? Jiraiya is your weakness. And you are his. He just let you stab him.
The tears you are shedding is the closest you felt to something on your skin. The warmth of his blood on your hand is like boiling water. It hurts to touch but you don't want to stop.
"I missed you." He said with a smile.
You whimper. You don't know what to do. He's holding you. He's happy. Yet so sad. He looks... like you. Half alive.
"Jiraiya please. Get away from me." You beg him. "I can't stand to hurt you again."
"I don't really care if you hurt me."
You shake your head. You put all your strength into your arms and push him away. He flies back but recovers. He sticks his hand to the ground and flips over to his feet. He ran back towards you.
You ran away. You can't hurt him if you aren't near him. But it only lasts a moment. Your body disobeys. With a jolt you suddenly stop and your body goes rigid as if each limb was being manipulated by strings. As much as you resist the pull you can't stop it. You turn back around and rush him. But he doesn't try to fight you. Not really anyways.
Jiraiya doesn't lay a single strike on you. He deflects your attacks. He lets a couple of attacks hit in favour of just staying close to you. When an ally tried to attack you, he attacked them. He grabbed their wrist and threw them, ensuring they don't lay a finger on you.
No one will hurt you. Not if he can help it.
"Why are doing this?!" You shout.
"I can't lose you before I can ask you something!"
For the first time Jiraiya lands a blow. He kicks you squarely in the chest. You stagger back. During your stumble he grabbed your wrists and forced you back further. Your back hit the trunk of a tree and he pinned your hands above your head.
"Why did you save me?"
You stare at him. His eyes are desperately searching yours. He's breathing heavily from the effort of trying to get you in this position. His throat bobs with a heavy swallow. He asks again, quieter this time. His expression falls further into desperation. He badly needs to know. He wants closure.
You never got closure either.
You never told him.
You never opened your mouth and said that you loved him. You still love him. You languished your whole life watching him be in love with someone else. It ached. It hurt. You cried the night he told you he had feelings for Tsunade.
You thought horrible things about yourself afterwards. You may have even did a few horrible things to yourself. Some days it felt like being cut open by a dull blade. And when you saw him dying you made a choice. In exchange for your life you can save his. So he may live on with the person he loves. All you want is for him to be happy, even if that meant he wasn't with you.
Even then you didn't say anything.
You preformed a forbidden jutsu and saved his life. As he struggled to wake up and gulp in deep breaths, you left his room. You stumbled down the hall, bleeding out but okay with your decision. You didn't want him to see you like that. Instead a nurse found you slumped against the wall and drew the attention you didn't want.
Your last memories aren't anything truly remarkable. But it's also quite precious. You got to see him one last time. The very man you saved was already on his feet and he ran to your side.
Unfortunately he did see you.
He knew you did this for him. His expression is very similar to now. The desperation in his eyes. The questions. His lips moving over and over again, calling your name.
At that point you couldn't hear anything. It was all muddled. Like being underwater. You touched his face, but couldn't really feel it. He grabbed it and held it against his chest. A smile pulled at your lips. He was going to be just fine.
Then your eyes shut.
And your heart stopped.
You died happy. You fulfilled your purpose.
The tension in your body faded. The control Kabuto had over you was fading. You relax. You stop struggling against Jiraiya's hold on you. He must of felt it to. His grip relaxed on your wrists. You slide them out and wrap your arms around him.
"I think you already know why I did it." You whisper.
His arms lowered and he returned your hug. He's holding onto you tightly. He's holding you likes he's never held you before. He's holding you like you'll evaporate if he let you go.
"Then say it." He said.
You nuzzle your cheek against his. He's warm. You push your fingers through some of his hair. Your lips are right beside his ear.
"I love you."
His fingers tighten into firsts as he clutched onto your back. His breath hitches with a choked back sob.
"I love you too!"
An overwhelming feeling of joy fills you. How you longed to hear those words. The inner peace you've always sought for joins in. You lean back just enough to look him in the eyes. There's not a single bad thing about his eyes. They're peaceful. Beautiful.
You caress his face. The last time you saw him you didn't take the time to memorize it. Every little detail. He's always been handsome. Conventional in many ways but unique in so many others. You brush your fingers very gently under his eyes. He looks tired.
"You should sleep more." You comment.
"How can I sleep when you aren't here? How can I..." he trails off and he leans forward until his forehead presses against yours. "How can I sleep when I'm the reason you aren't alive anymore?"
"Shh... don't blame yourself. I made my choice and I don't regret it."
Jiraiya shakes his head. He's not worth a second chance. The air he's breathing is yours. Each beat of his heart is a stolen one. He lives but he's never felt so dead. He's so lost. He passed on his legacy. He has no other purpose. He has no other reason to carry on.
Each day it feels like he's bleeding and no one sees it. No one cares. All they care about is that he is alive and can still help the cause. But he doesn't want to. He's tired. All he wants is to... stop. All he wants is... you.
He'd rather be dead with you than live another day without you.
"Calm down." You coo at him.
Such turmoil. He's in anguish over you. You worry what he's contemplating. You stroke his head and remind him that you're here.
"Don't leave me... please." His voice cracks as he asks something impossible.
You can't.
You can't stay. This jutsu has a time limit to it. That much you know is true. The dead are not meant to come back to life. It's unnatural. You smile at him but it doesn't soothe him. He hates that kind of smile. The type where he know the wearer is only doing it to put him at ease.
"I... I can't do... Do this without you!"
"Yes you can." You say.
He shakes his head quickly. The tear that escaped his eye flew off his face from the force. He looks at you and more of those tears escape. They mirror the red marks down his cheeks. As he looked over your face he made a snap decision.
If you were still breathing the air would've been stolen from your lungs. The feel of Jiraiya's lips against yours is something you had dreamed about but never thought it to be true. You hold the sides of his face as you move your lips against his. Like all first kisses it's experimental and curious.
It breaks slowly. You pull away from him, savouring the feeling. He slowly opens his eyes. He hadn't realized they closed. It felt better than expected. It was heavenly. For the first time since you died he felt bliss.
But... something is wrong.
You're glowing. It's faint but it's there. His heart leaps into his throat when parts of your face began to break off and disintegrated into fine dust. He holds you tighter. A pit of dread formed in his belly.
"Don't go! You can't go!"
"Shhh..." You whisper. You push your fingers through his hair and rest your forehead against his. "This isn't forever. We'll meet again one day. Until then I want you to live life to the fullest."
"No! No I can't! You can't leave me again!"
It's too late.
You have found inner peace. Your dying regret is no longer there. You told the man you love how you felt. And you experienced true loves kiss. Hopefully those who were risen like you can find peace like this. In the arms of the person they loved the most. To have the opportunity to say a real goodbye and leave the world whole.
"I love you." You say one last time.
Much to Jiraiya's horror and dismay you keep fading. More of you breaks away into dust. Like when a beam of sunlight catches the air the right way and every particle floating around can be seen. It's right there but unreachable. No matter how he tries to grab it it will slip through his fingers.
It can't happen!
The pressure of your fingers fades from his face. The weight of your body lightened. Your beautiful eyes slowly shut as chunks of them fly away. You smile. How can you smile?! You're dying again! Leaving again!
Like shattering glass you break apart and disappear. The last thing to go was your mouth. Your smile never faded.
Jiraiya catches himself before he fell face first into the tree. He clutched at the bark. He sunk slowly to his knees, injuring his fingertips as they dragged down the bark. He stares at the ground, watching silently as his tears fall and hit the dirt.
How could he have let this happen?
He killed you. He let you die. If he had only told you sooner! How could he have not known sooner? He let the most precious person in his life slip through his fingers. They gave everything for him and he has never felt so unworthy of it.
He punches the tree. The pain that followed didn't matter. He hits it again and again and again. Something! Anything! Losing you is like getting stabbed in the heart every second.
He can't live life to the fullest without you!
He can't live without you!
It's the first time Jiraiya had ever been so frustrated. It just keeps boiling. There's no solution to this problem he can find that allows him to take another breath! He can't do what you want! But it's your dying wish! He wants to claw at his neck. He wants to tear his hair out. He wants to rip his heart out and give it to you. The pounding pain in his hand is the only reminder that he is alive. The warm blood spilling from his abdomen tells him that he's a being that's mortal.
There's no words to describe how he truly feels. He lost so many people. So many friends. Everyone he loves keeps dying.
Why did he have to lose you?
The temptation and the guilt are pulling him in opposite directions. It seems like any moment now he may break apart into pieces as these invisible forces play their tug of war. He screams. He doesn't know what else to do.
Why can't you be here?
Why did you leave him?
Why must he live?
Exhaustion forces him to stop. Jiraiya slumps against the tree. He doesn't care anymore. The battle rages on around him. At this point anyone could come up and harm him and he wouldn't care. You aren't here and it's all his fault. He is your legacy and he doesn't deserve to carry such a title. His eyes fall shut.
At least in his dreams you are still here. There's peace to be found in this plane of existence. He can almost feel you sitting beside him. But it won't be forever.
Who knows how long the good dreams will last.