Chapter 25
A/N: Sorry it has been so long since I have updated. I know this is shorter than I usually post but since I sort of left my readers hanging in the last chapter, I wanted to at least give you something to let you know how their talk went. I'll really try to update again sooner that this update took, though they might be shorter chapters.
Penny was trying not to get extremely emotional while she explained, so she just slowly nodded, she had been watching his face while she told him everything, it first so full of pure shock at her admission which now seemed to be combined with sadness. It was upsetting to her to see him like that, so confused and hurt, knowing it was her fault, and it took a moment before she could finally find her voice again, her first thought that she needed to explain it more, make him understand that she was in as much surprise as he was now, so she just blurted out, "Leonard I didn't know either till just then."
Leonard just continued to look at her, his face now slowly changing from extreme shock and sadness to disbelief, "You're married...married to Zack...big 'I love science' Zack!"
Penny again nodded, her gut telling her this talk was not going well, he didn't even seem to have heard what she previously said about not knowing about the marriage until now, and that thought was making the urge to cry start to well up in her even stronger, "I didn't know Leonard, you have to believe me, I didn't know I was married."
Leonard was still a little in denial about believing what he just heard from Penny, the idea that she was married to Zack just seemed impossible, it felt like he was in a dream, he just shook his head like it would somehow wake him up from the nightmare. What he was now experiencing just felt so surreal and although on some level he sort of knew he was in shock about what had been just said by Penny, a part of him was still wishing this nightmare would end and he would wake up in his bed from a bad dream. However, after a few moments it broke through to his mind that this all was too real, and when it started to really fully sink in, it made him mumble, mostly to himself, "You go away for a weekend in Las Vegas and marry Zack."
Penny heard him and quickly responded, trying to defend herself. "No, Leonard, I didn't marry him this weekend."
Leonard's head shot up, to look extremely seriously at her, he a moment before didn't really know what to say to her but now the shock was slowly wearing off, so he desperately needed to know everything, even if was going to hurt him more, it was like he needed the pain to keep his sanity right now, "When did you get married to him?"
It became even more evident to Penny that this conversation was going downhill fast now, but she knew she couldn't lie to him, she had to answer all his questions honesty and freely. "About two years ago."
Leonard just stared at her blankly again, while his mind tried to make sense of the time period, she just told him, slowly putting it in the timeframe of their lives together and placing it several months after their breakup and a month or two after he had first met Zack that night, when they shot a laser at the moon. It took a moment for him to sort it all out but as soon as he had the time period correct in his mind, he just asked her in an almost too calm voice, a hint of the obvious sadness that was growing stronger in him, laced in it. "You had been dating Zack for only a couple months then."
Leonard's sad calm tone made everything worse and Penny was really getting worried about what was happening between them now, but she slowly nodded before saying. "He took me there for Thanksgiving that first year and we ate and got drunk." She looked at him for some kind of response and when she saw him just continue to stare back at her, she decided she better continue, "We gambled, went to see one of those cheesy wedding chapels, because it was an Elvis chapel, and then had a real good turkey dinner which was surprising since it was at a strip club." she immediately regretted telling him about the dinner at the strip club, but she was worried and wasn't thinking too clearly right now, so it just came out, however, unlike she expected he said nothing, so she took a deep breath and continued. "While we were in the chapel, we had one of those silly fake weddings...at least I thought it was fake." Penny continued, then sighed, "I know now those marriages are real."
Leonard stopped staring at her, which was a little relief to her, however short lived, because he now just sat staring down at his hands, his face, as much of it as she could see, frowning in thought. Again, she wished he would just let out his emotions, ever scream at her like Kurt and Mike would do when she was dating them, but that was not like Leonard, he just continued to sit there obviously thinking. It was the waiting that was killing Penny, his mostly calm tone about something that must have been a shock to him, and even hurting to him, had Penny very worried because it was like he was now just accepting everything that she just told him without complaint, like he somehow deserved it. That's what was really bothering her, she wanted to know what did he think about what he had been just told and asked to accept, and what was going to be his response to what he now thought he had to accept.
Leonard was now totally overwhelmed, he had expected the worst, Penny had somehow cheated on him, but he had never expected to be told she was a married woman, married to Zack the whole time they had been in their current relationship, it seemed so much worse. It was so unimaginable to him that she would tell him that, that they had been married for almost 2-years, and the whole time him and her had been together this time she had been married. 2-years! He remembered how mad she was when he had his one-night-stand with Dr. Plimpton, but then it was only a few weeks later he found out she was dating Zack and now he finds out it was only a couple months later she married him. But that wasn't exactly what was now upsetting him, she was single then, she could date and even marry anyone she wanted, no what upset him was that only a little over a couple of months before she started dating Zack, she couldn't even tell him she loved him, even after knowing him for almost 3-years and being in a relationship with him for almost a year, nevertheless just a couple months after dating Zack, she married him. Leonard had many times read that being drunk didn't make you do things but actually dropped the inhibitions you had to do things you really wanted to do, so if he applied that to Penny it was not that she had commitment issues about love or marriage, it was that she had commitment issues about him.
There was something else that then hit him, how disgusting and wrong it felt that he had been living with a married woman who would now tell him she loved him, no matter what the circumstances were of it all he still felt like it was cheating on her husband, Zack, and he was her cheating partner. Then there were also those "I love You's" between them, they now felt like they meant really nothing because their relationship could never go any further, she was already married, she could never commit to him other than say those words, her marriage prevented that. There was even a little part of his brain that was repeating to him that she knew, maybe not consciously but somehow subconsciously she knew, that is why she could tell him she loved him, she knew she would never have to truly commit to him in the end because she was already married.
All these thoughts seemed to come together in Leonard's mind at once, making him suddenly feel pathetic, needy, unloved and like a sorry excuse for a man, all feelings he had individually felt many times in his life only this time they seemed to come together and were worse. In a way, based on his whole life, it made logical sense to Leonard, Penny was way out of his league, someone like him was never going to be with someone like Penny, so he had been fooling himself for all those years she had lived across the hall from him and today was his wake-up call. This last though seemed hit him so suddenly at once, completely filling his mind, and with that final thought he knew he needed to get away, he needed to run, so without warning he just leaped from the seat he was in and headed straight back to their bedroom, never saying a word.
Penny, reeled back in surprise as Leonard seemed to fly off the couch and disappear almost as quickly into their bedroom, it happening so fast that she was too stunned to even say a word. However, after she took a moment to regain her senses, she quickly got off the couch to find out what he was doing, the sudden thought that he could actually maybe hurt himself over what he had just found out concerning her. Her quick arrival at the door to their bedroom though told her differently, as she saw him with his backpack, putting clothes into it, with haste and determination, it quickly becoming apparent to her that he was leaving.
"Leonard, what...what are you doing?" she asked, her voice cracking.
Leonard stopped and just looked at the floor for several seconds before responding without looking at her, "I need to be out of here."
"Why...where are you going?" a tear now fell down Penny's cheek, fear now was gripping her heart.
"I don't know." again, he didn't look at her.
Penny couldn't help but now feel desperate, "Leonard, please just stay here. I can sleep in the guest room and you can have this room if you need us apart."
Leonard slowly shook his head, "I can't, I have to leave."
"No Leonard, please stay, we can do anything you want, talk or just stay away from each other all night. I'll go to the other room now; you won't see me all night." she pleaded.
Leonard finally looked at her, "I can't, I need to go, please just let me go."
Penny could see the hurt in his eyes and knew right then she couldn't stop him, so even though it was tearing her up inside, she slowly nodded and said, "Okay." then she left the doorway of their bedroom and walked into the guest room, closing the door behind her, as she dropped on the bed and buried her face in the pillow so he wouldn't hear her cry.
Leonard took another few minutes to pack his clothes for a day or two before getting some toiletries and then heading to the door of the apartment. He no sooner opened the apartment door when he stopped and couldn't help himself but look back into the apartment, even though they had been there only a couple months the place seemed so full of memories already to him. However, as he now looked around and remembered, his mind told him those same memories were all fake because they were so full of hope when in reality there was no hope at all, only the dreams of a pathetic little man who would probably never have real love from a woman that he truly loved in turn. With those new thoughts he hung his head and walked out the door, softly closing and locking it before he slowly walked down the stairs and to the car, actually Penny's old Volkswagen, since that was the car, he had been driving, and his movements right now were on autopilot.
Inside the guest room of apartment 3A Penny had heard Leonard move around the apartment gathering up his things as she silently cried into her pillow. It wasn't till she heard the front door was closed and then locked that the finality of what was happening completely hit her and she began to actually sob. She was completely heartbroken and felt incredulity terrible for hurting Leonard like she had just done, and the worse part of it was that she had no idea how to fix any of it. Never in her life had she felt this way about a guy, she had been heartbroken before but it had never felt like this, the sadness and grief she felt were overwhelming, she felt like she would never be happy again, that she could not go on without Leonard and it made her wonder what was the point of even thinking about going on. She thought that she may have just lost him forever, and that made her feel like her heart had just been pulled from her chest, she had no idea how she was going to go on with her life without him there. She actually felt for the first time in her life that her life was spiraling out of control and she had no way to stop it, there was nothing she could do, so with any energy she had left she pulled herself from the bed and staggered out into the living room looking for her phone, then hit the first number on her speed dial.
It only took a couple of rings for her to realize that Leonard's phone was turned off, her not seeing him grab it and shut it off before he threw it in the backpack with the rest of his stuff. It just gave her the feeling of being more helpless over what was happening, but she still didn't give up, going immediately to the text messenger on her phone and sending him several text messages for the next 15-minutes. Those few moments of texting actually helped her tortured mind a little, she felt she was doing something to save the relationship between her and Leonard, however, now that was done. loneliness and despair seemed to creep back into her even stronger than before and like a cold slap to the face she suddenly realized that Leonard wasn't there and she didn't know if he would ever return. This caused any hope she had to leave her body as she now uncontrollably sobbed while sitting on her couch, this raw display of emotion continuing until finally exhaustion mercifully claimed her and let her fall asleep.