Chapter 26
Leonard just drove mindlessly around, without thought, even having horns blaring at him at traffic lights when his mind couldn't even register that the light was now green and he should start moving again. His driving in this mindset around town was actually dangerous, even though his practiced good driving skills were subconsciously leading him along, he was not alert for anything out the ordinary. It was a wonder that he wasn't in accident in the two hours of this mindlessly driving around that finally led to him finding himself at the ocean, parked in a beach parking lot turned so he could see the surf as it continuously washed ashore.
He had no grasp of time so he had no idea how long he just sat there looking at the ocean while his mind tried to come to grips with all he had heard that night. He would have probably continued just to sit there all night if it wasn't for the knocking on the car window that broke him from all the thoughts that had taken him away from the world and its reality. When he turned his head, and saw the person doing the knocking, this also forced his mind back partly into reality as his inbred response to authority took hold after seeing the Police Officer looking back at him. He then rolled down the window without a thought and just stared at the man who was staring back at him.
Collins was a little concerned about the look of the man that now was staring back at him from the car, he just seemed in sort of daze and was just waiting for Collins to say something. Collins was not totally surprised though, he had worked in this area for over two years now and had seen many despondent people just parked in these beach parking lots late at night, so this car and man just sitting here for well over an hour made him concerned that something was wrong. Collins always to stop and see if he could help since he didn't want to find out the next day that someone committed self-harm by his inaction, after all he had joined the Police Force to Serve and Protech, so wasn't it his responsibility to protect people from themselves if they needed his help.
Collins could tell this man was not going to say anything so he just began his normal questions, when he encountered these types of situations, "Sir are you alright?"
Leonard actually heard the question and his mind told him the answer was "NO" how could he be alright after what had happened that night. However, some part of him told him that he was a man and a man sucked up pain and hurt, to hide it away from everyone, and it was about time he started acting like a man. So, Leonard just responded in a way he thought another man may understand, "I had some bad personal news this evening and I'm just trying to get through it." he got out, his mind now a little clearer than it was before the Police Officer was there.
Collins continued to stare at him, but also gave him a little nod, though this did not completely remove his concern for the man. He wanted to talk to him more, so he did what every Police Officer does, "Sir, could I see some ID."
Leonard just nodded, reached back to his pants pocket, to retrieve his wallet, then handed it to the Police Officer.
Collins would normally not take a person's wallet but ask them to just take out the driver's license and hand it to him, however it this guy's current state he decided to make an exception, taking the wallet and opening it for some ID. It was the first ID that sort of surprised Collins as soon as he opened the wallet, Leonard's Cal Tech ID being the first thing the Officer laid his eyes on, the official California university employee ID very evident to him. It was when he looked closer at the ID that Collins was stunned, this man was faculty at Cal Tech, a PhD in Physics, and a real-life scientist, the picture on the ID very much representing the man he was now talking to. Collins, being a Police Officer, quickly recovered from his surprise, and noted this man's name was Leonard L. Hofstadter before he looked further into the wallet to find a valid driver's license with the same name. He then quickly wrote Leonard's information on a pad before handing Leonard's wallet back to him with a courteous, "Thank you, Doctor."
Leonard just nodded and robotically took back the wallet and placed it back in his pocket before looking up again at the officer.
Collins really didn't know what to think, this scientist was not the kind of people he usually met in these beach parking lots suffering from some sort of mental anguish, no he definitely didn't meet people like him even outside in the real world. This made Collins really curious about what happened to this man to make him like this and made him especially wanting to help him in some way. So, in a very level calm voice, he stated talking to Leonard, "Doctor, you don't really plan on staying here all night, do you?"
Leonard turned his head from looking at the Officer and just stared out his front windshield for a second to think over the man's question. He then looked back at him with a sort of a confused expression, "I don't know."
Collins tried to give him a small assuring nod before continuing, "There must be someplace for you to go, maybe family, friends, a wife or girlfriend."
A brief flash of pain went through Leonard at the officer's mentioning "girlfriend", but also, he thought about the Officer's words, he right now had no wife or girlfriend, Penny to him was Zack's wife, he didn't want to talk to his friends right now and his family lived on the east coast, so he just responded, "No, no place." at that moment Leonard was feeling really alone.
Collins was surprised at the answer, he never expected him to have no one, and he knew the only thing he could offer him was a trip to mental-ward in the hospital, which he really didn't think would help this guy, so it was something he didn't want to do. He just thought for a second before he came out with another idea, "Is there anyone at the university that can help you?"
It was the mention of the university that finally got through to Leonard that he had someplace to go, many the night he had spent sleeping on the couch of his office when he worked late on some experiment that could only be done after midnight. It's power draw from the university's electrical network, or the need of mainframe computer time that was only available during the wee hours of the night, resulting in Leonard just crashing on his couch with a blanket and pillow he now always kept there. Leonard looked at the Officer and slowly nodded, "Yes, I can go to the university." he then absently said softly to himself, "I have everything I need there." before finishing with a "Thank You" to Collins.
Collins wasn't completely sure if he made things better, but this man seemed now to have a place to go, so that had to be good he thought, also whenever thoughts the man seemed to be having in this beach parking lot seemed to be now put on the back burner so that had to be good, too. So, Collins gave Leonard a sincere smile, "Okay, you take care then, Doctor." as he then watched this PhD from Cal Tech University slowly back up and drive back east, hoping he did the right thing with him.
Leonard's mind was now locked on getting back to Cal Tech, it was a relief to have something else to think about since he had to now navigate his way back, which made him concentrate on the task and kept him more alert. His only deviation from this now obsession to get to Cal Tech was a short stop in one of those famous brand coffee drive throughs to get a large coffee, his need to have some kind of calming drink being the only thing to override his desire to get there. Therefore, it was almost midnight when Leonard finally was able to sit on the couch of his office, slowly sipping on his warm beverage, while he again thought about what had happened in the last couple of hours.
The first question that now came to mind was after everything she had told him tonight, did he still love Penny, this question really was an easy one to answer, as long as he was honest with himself, he knew in his heart he still loved her and would probably always feel love for her till the day he died. However, even with that question answered he still had to admit something that he had thought about many times since he first fell in love with Penny, he didn't know if love was enough when it came to Penny. He always had thought that commitment was part of love but since being around Penny, all these years, he was now convinced that they were two very separate things, at least with Penny. He thought she loved him in her own way, but he truly now believed she couldn't commit to him, and without any commitment from her there would never be the relationship he hoped they could have in the future.
Leonard sat there thinking until the last sip from his coffee cup, not realizing an hour had passed by so quickly when he took a look at his desk clock. He looked at his empty cup and sighed, it seemed to be telling him he needed to try and get some sleep, so with feeling of defeat, he got up to get the blanket and pillow he always kept in his office cabinet, and fix them on the couch, his bed for that night. It only took him a short time to get ready for bed, however, although he felt sort of felt comfortable sleeping on his couch, sleep refused to come to him, so as he just laid there his mind again began to think about that evening again and went back to the subject of commitment and Penny.
Leonard had realized very quickly after their first relationship broke up, that Penny would date other people and even though it hurt him, there was nothing he could say or do to prevent that, he knew had no right to say anything because she was single again. It was part of the reason that he had slept with Dr. Plimpton, the rationale that if Penny had the right to sleep with other people, so did he, and with Elizabeth wanting him, making him feel he was not a complete loser, he was able to sleep with her without too much regret. However, none of that meant he loved Elizabeth, much less want to commit his life to her, it was nothing like what Penny had with Zack.
Penny took up with Zack, someone she hadn't dated before, pretty quickly, dating many times over the next couple months, to finally marrying him on their Thanksgiving trip to Las Vegas. Leonard had thought the bond between her and Zack was never that strong and she had even stated that herself on that New Year's Eve when they went to the comic book store party. Nevertheless, as Leonard looked back, it seemed that Penny was just trying to spare his feelings, her telling him their one-night fling was mistake and now finding out now they are married only seeming to confirm to Leonard that she was much more committed to Zack than he had previously thought.
As Leonard laid there, other memories of Penny's commitment issues started to come back to him, how in love she was with Kurt, she had first explained to them, she had even left Nebraska to live with him in California and by her own admission she had thought they would be together forever. She had been so broken up still when they met her, about that failed relationship with him, even though he cheated on her, and she had even invited him to her Halloween party, then dated him later, after he returned her money, in the hopes he had changed. It all showed the serious commitment she had for him, willing to forgive him if he changed and continue to that dream of spending her life with him, something he himself and Penny never seemed to have.
Then almost immediately after his thoughts of Kurt, Mike came to mind, the guy she dated for many months, while living just across from him. Just before her breakup with him, she had told Leonard she thought she would marry him, he had everything she wanted in a man, looks, money and personality, she had fell for him hard. Again, even after he had disrespected her with a blog about their sex life, she was still ready to forgive him and be with him again, like Kurt she was committed to him and again like Kurt ready to pursue the commitment to the end, well until she saw that Mike had already moved on with another girl. This thought made Leonard realize that the resultant date he got with her was probably just a rebound date or worse a revenge date, her dating him just to show she could be with someone immediately after their breakup, too. Actually, that made a lot of sense, since she was able to cut off any further dating between them so quickly afterwards, her actually getting mad at him and telling him that he thought she wasn't smart enough for him when he never said anything like that.
No, even though he had only third hand information on Kurt, he had seen Penny's relationships with Mike and Zack, and it both cases she had either thought she would marry Mike or in Zack's case did marry him. She was ready to commit to them, for life, something she never really showed an interest to do with him, she had even broken up with him the first time because she couldn't commit to loving him, though while being with Mike and Zack over the same period or less, she was willing to commit to marriage. This is what really hurt him, what made him finally decide that love and commitment where not the same and made him start to believe that Penny and him may just be a fantasy he was making up in his own mind.
These thoughts and conclusions brought him to the big question, what did he do now, where did he go with this information and how did he see things in the future with Penny. This was a question he couldn't answer, he had tried moving on from his first relationship with Penny but no matter how hard he tried with Priya, he was never able to get Penny completely out of his heart. He could have easily married Priya though he now knew it would probably have not ended well, that short affair with the comic store girl making him understand in the end that he probably didn't love Priya enough to spend his life with her, especially when her cheating on him didn't bother him anywhere as much as his previous breakup with Penny.
So, he wondered again, what did he do now, did he stay with Penny, knowing that it would end when her lack of commitment surfaced again, or did they just agree to end it now, using this latest event with Zack as a good reason to end it. Then to add to that, could he really live with her now, she was married to Zack and it just didn't seem right to him to live with her while she was Zack's wife, but then where else would he live, he couldn't sleep in his office forever, even though he had no place to go and Amy now occupied his old room with Sheldon, so that was unavailable, even if he was desperate enough to ask for it back. It was then that Howard's option came back into his mind, he actually did have some place to go, not only a place to go but also a place to really think everything through for a few months and come up with the right answer, he could go on Hawking's expedition to the North Sea. Really as soon as he thought about it, he realized it was his only choice, he did need more time to actually calmly think about his relationship with Penny and he didn't want to be living with her while she was a married woman, so this answered both those problems.
It was actually a relief to Leonard to have some sort of plan to go forward and as he rolled over on his side in the couch, he noticed that light coming from his office window was signaling the beginning of a new day. He couldn't believe he had spent the whole night just lying there thinking, but to be honest he still didn't feel anywhere relaxed enough to sleep, so he just sat up in his couch again and started to put together the events he needed to do for the day to accomplish his decision to join the North Sea expedition. It was obvious there was a lot for him to do that day, but the first thing he needed to do was get ready for the day, and that meant going to the radiation lab to get a shower now if he didn't want to be disturbed by any early arriving graduate students that morning. Consequently, Leonard got up and dug through his backpack to get some clothes and his toiletry bag, so he could start his day, it was also at this time he saw his phone. Picking it up, he immediately saw it was off, him now wondering if there where calls or text messages from Penny on it from the night before, which almost make him turn it on, however, he was still not ready to talk to her, he had a lot to do today and so he decided he would tell her after his decision was put into motion, so he just laid the off phone on his desk and headed out the door, locking it behind him.