CW: PTSD and bullying

That night, while I was sleeping, I had the oddest sensation. My blood turn cold and it woke me up, and all I could smell was my friends sleeping and I had the sudden urge to get my claws and sharp teeth and rip them all to shreds. This thought made me clutch my mouth with my hand with shame, and yet it didn't leave my mind.

They wouldn't stand a chance against me if I'd been a wolf, and that thought made my mind fall on Monifa and the other people I'd killed. I didn't know who exactly I'd killed in the attack on Hogwarts, so I couldn't picture them. Monifa, however…

I'd spent all last year obsessing over Sirius, had that just been to distract myself from the harsh reality of everything I was feeling? Was I only properly feeling remorse now? Had I not felt guilty enough? What was considered 'guilty enough'? Was that even a thing? Did I feel sorry at all, or was the monster in me happy about it?

What even controlled my thoughts, me, or the wolf? I was only a monster once a month, but why did I suddenly want to kill now, almost two weeks until the next full moon? And at the same time feel terrible about a murder I'd committed over a year ago? What was wrong with me?

Everything. I rolled my eyes and placed my head back on my pillow. All I wanted to do was to hurt someone, anyone. But if I was to kill another person, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I already couldn't live with myself after what I'd done so far. But why did I want to kill someone now?

I felt terrible about murder but wanted to do more at the same time? I shook my head, angry with myself. I'd never felt like this before when it wasn't near the full moon. What was wrong with me? Was this normal for a werewolf? I knew it wasn't normal for a wizard. Maybe I was going completely insane.

God, Remus, I thought to myself. You're thirteen years old, not eight. Stop moping around in self-pity.

I rolled my eyes again and lay down on my bed, deciding I'd go to the library tomorrow at lunch to research if this was normal, and maybe annoy Snape while I was there.

"Yes! This is it, chaps." James was opening a package I'd received from my parents the next morning at breakfast. He smiled as it revealed a camera. No, not any old camera, a video camera. I'd snuck to the Owlery the previous night to send an owl to my parents asking them to send it. We'd agreed on asking my parents, since I was the only one who had a muggle for a parent who'd know what a video camera was (and I was the only one out of the four of us who knew what it was).

"Oh my gosh… how does it work? Where did you get it from?" Sirius asked.

"Well, you press a button, and it starts filming," I said. "It's not colour, though… my mum's father, my Grandad, made short films, my mum acted in them when she was around our age… all back in the 1940s. The camera's even older than that. It developed her love for acting, and after he died, she kept it."

"That's so cool," said Peter.

"We're going to go around under the invisibility cloak and film Snape all day!" James said, smiling widely. "You guys in?"

"Won't we get in trouble for missing classes?" Peter said.

"James, he's not going to pick on people in the classes with only his house," I said. "That's everything except Potions with us, and I guess they must have Herbology with Ravenclaw."

"Oh," said James. "Right. Well, during break."

"Sound like a plan," Sirius smiled.

"As long as we don't get in trouble… OK," Peter agreed.

We had potions after break, so we kept the video camera and the invisibility cloak in James's bag (which he had an extension charm on), and we slipped into the dungeon bathroom and threw the cloak over all of us. I turned around to the huge mirror and noticed I could see four pairs of feet.

"We don't all fit," I hissed, pointing this out to the others.

"Peter, why don't you try get Snape to make fun of you?" Sirius suggested. "And we'll film that?"

"Alright," said Peter, stepping out from under the invisibility cloak. With the extra room, the cloak fell over Sirius, James and my feet and I couldn't see us in the mirror at all.

"Quick, let's go," James said, and we rushed out of the bathroom and caught up with Snape quickly. I held up the camera and pressed record. It made a clicking noise, but luckily Snape didn't notice. He was walking with Avery, who was talking loudly about how muggle-borns weren't proper wizards.

"Obviously," Snape agreed. "There's no way they can do proper magic unless their parents are magic."

"Well, you're a half blood," Avery sneered.

"At least I'm not a mudblood," Snape said. Just then, Peter rushed in front of them, and purposely tripped over Snape's foot and dramatically fell to the floor. Snape and Avery stopped walking and so did we.

"Where are your lame friends, Pettigrew?" Snape asked.

"They're… they're…" Peter started, but Snape was laughing down at him.

"Why are you falling over, Pettigrew?" Snape laughed. "You really are the weak one of your little gang, aren't you?"

"You know any curses?" Avery grinned. I got ready to move, just in case.

"Oh, I know one," said Snape, grabbing his wand and pointing it at Peter. "Sectumsempra!"

Peter let out a yelp as blood started to pour out of his body rapidly. Avery was laughing, but Snape's eyes widened. James and Sirius came rushing out from under the invisibility cloak and rushed towards Snape, Avery and Peter. I couldn't seem to move, and I didn't even know why. James did the bat bogey hex on Snape, and Sirius did the same to Avery, and the two of them rushed off. Snape looked back at Peter, but continued to run. James and Sirius were panicking over Peter, who continued to bleed and splutter. I couldn't move. I remained planted to the spot, watching Peter bleed, and thinking only one thought.

I could have done better.

"We've got to take him to Madam Pomfrey," Sirius cried, grabbing Peter's arms. "Help me carry him!"

James hauled the rest of Peter up, and yelled at me, "Remus! What the hell are you doing? Are you going to help us?"

Taken aback, I rushed towards them and helped carry Peter, still clutching onto the video camera and not being able to shake that thought. The three of us jogged to the Hospital Wing, holding Peter. We came into the Hospital Wing and Sirius called for Madam Pomfrey, who quickly put Peter on a bed and started tending to him. Several students crowded around to see what was happening.

"Remus, step back," Madam Pomfrey said. "You're just making it worse!"

I wanted to tell her I wasn't making any difference, but I couldn't argue, so I stepped back slightly. Madam Pomfrey started doing her magic and I watched, feeling weird. The sane part of me hoped Peter would be alright, but another part of me was reminded of when I'd killed people as a wolf and watched their blood pour out of their body. It was oddly satisfying, but I wished I'd been the one to rip him to shreds.

Madam Pomfrey interrupted my thoughts by telling Sirius, James, and I to get out and let Peter rest.

"He's gone too far now," said James angrily. "If we hadn't been there, Peter could have died!"

"At least we can show the video to the whole school," Sirius said. "No one will forgive him after that."

"I'm going to go to the library… I want to find out what that curse was," I told them. "See you at class, tell me if anything happens with Peter."

"Alright, tell us what you find," said James, and we split ways.

On my way to the library, I felt the need to pee and slipped into the bathroom. I did my business, then walked to the sink to wash my hands, which were shaking.

"Do you want to hurt someone else?" came a voice. Gasping, I looked behind me to see no one there. I looked in front of me and saw Monifa in the mirror. She looked younger than me now, still looked twelve years old. I almost screamed. "The way you hurt me?" Her voice sounded creepy, and her eyes were wide.

"I-"

"Think you're a good person?" she said. "You killed so many people, and you want to kill more."

"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Sorry doesn't cut it." I was strongly reminded of her sister, Ada as she said that.

I closed my eyes, then opened them again, and I was on the floor, sweaty and pale. I stood up, and turned around out of the bathroom, not looking back.

I didn't go to the library, I walked straight to the Owlery, and grabbed one of the spare pieces of parchment. I hadn't written to Chef at all, even if it had crossed my mind a few times. I never really thought I had a reason to write to him, and I wasn't fully sure I trusted him, but I needed to know what was happening to me, and he was the only other werewolf I even partially trusted.

But what was I to write? Just ask him if he'd ever felt the need to kill people even in human form? Considering he'd spent almost his entire life with other werewolves, he probably had. Was it weirder for me since I'd grown up a with humans?

I grabbed a quill and ink that sat next to the parchment. I dipped the quill in the ink, then hovered it above the paper, and just wrote.

Dear Chef,

I was just wondering if

"This is dumb," I muttered to myself. But then the bell rang, so I quickly scribbled down my message.

If it's normal for me to want to kill someone now, when the full moon is just under two weeks away? But at the same time, I feel terrible about killing already. Is that normal?

From Remus

I wondered if I should have asked how he was, but I had to go back to the Hospital Wing to see Peter again. I put the letter in an envelope, wrote Chef's real name, then sent it off with one of the school owls.

Peter was completely healed by the next day with only a few small scars. None of us could figure out what the curse Snape had done, yet I had searched the library thoroughly. Peter seemed to be a bit shaken by the experience, but alright.

On Sirius's birthday, I received two letters during breakfast. One was the usual from my parents, and the other I saw was signed by Pea Eeniss.

Not wanting the others to know I'd been writing to another werewolf, I took the letter to the bathroom and shut myself in a cubicle and sat on the toilet lid. My hands trembling, I opened the letter.

Hey kid,

How could you? You haven't written to me! It's been almost a year! I thought you were dead!

Anyway, answering your letter: what you are describing sounds like something called werewolf puberty. It usually develops around the age of thirteen or fourteen. It basically makes you feel the need to transform even when you're in your human form. You may start to notice you're drawn to blood, get hallucinations of people you've killed, feel the need to hurt someone.

I hope you're doing alright, it's a very confusing time, especially since you'd be going through human puberty at the same time.

From Chef

I tried to swallow, but no spit would come down my throat. I stood up, but my legs gave way and I just fell back onto the toilet seat. Werewolf puberty? Why had I never even heard of that?

Stop being so selfish, I thought. It's literally Sirius's birthday and here you are just moping around.

I stood up again, and once again my legs gave way, but this everything went dark and I felt like I was asleep.

"He's dead."

"He's not dead!"

I opened my eyes to find myself in the dormitory, Sirius, James, and Peter looking down at me.

"Remus," Sirius breathed. He looked like he'd been crying.

"Told you he wasn't dead," said James. "Er, we went looking for you in the bathroom because you were in there for ages. We kind of crawled under the door of the cubicle, but anyway… um, we sort of read the letter from the chef person."

"Alright," I said, trying to push away the conversation. "Let's talk about this later, it's Sirius's birthday and we have a film to show tonight."

"Remus," said James, "do you want to hurt us sometimes?"

"No… I mean… no, well… not really." I didn't know what to say. How could I lie now, after what they'd seen?

"Not really?" Peter repeated.

"Well… sometimes. But I wouldn't hurt you guys, I promise! I don't want to… it's just the… werewolf puberty thing…"

The other three were silent. Sirius and Peter exchanged a look.

"Please believe me," I begged, "I will never hurt you… I won't hurt anyone!"

"But the thing is, Remus," said Peter quietly, "you've already hurt people… killed them, even."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry…"

"Come on, Peter, we can't go around not trusting each other," said James, giving Peter a look. And it was never spoken of again.

We all loudly sang happy birthday to Sirius as we entered the Great Hall for dinner that night. James had figured out a spell to be able to display the film of Snape on the wall of the Great Hall for everyone to see at dinner, and apparently, he'd also used magic put several pieces of footage together. We all could barely contain our excitement as James tapped his wand on the video camera.

"HELLO!" boomed James's voice, loud and clear through the Great Hall, and all heads turned to the wall, where James's face was being broadcasted. He'd even somehow made the video in colour. "Today my friends and I will be showing you Severus Snape — the truth about him. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!"

All heads turned to the Slytherin table, to where Snape was sitting, his normally pale face pink.

The projected film changed to Snape calling some first years mudbloods, then cut to him taunting Alice Fortescue for having a sister who was a squib. The screen then cut to Snape doing the weird bleeding curse to Peter, and gasps were let out throughout the Great Hall. Finally, the screen went back to James, who said,

"By the way, it is Sirius Black's fourteenth birthday today!"

"James!" Sirius cried out, but no one seemed to care. All eyes were on Snape, who was sinking down under the Slytherin table. I looked over at Lily, who looked really upset. She then stood up and marched away.

"Lily!" James cried, standing up and chasing after her. "Wait! No, Lily!"