Author Notes: Season 18 sucked.

Olivia remembers last Christmas and she comes to a decision.

Last Christmas was hard. After Paris, Olivia had started to distance herself from Ed. She knew she loved him, but she was still feeling guilt over Sergeant Dodds and feeling as though she had let her squad down. On top of that, she was feeling like she was failing Noah; he had just started preschool and his educational development was a little behind the rest of his classmates. She felt that maybe it was because she wasn't spending enough time with her son, helping him.

And, she wasn't opening up and telling Ed about what she was feeling. So, there was a tension between them and she knew that he felt it, too, that she was pulling away.

But, they did their best to keep things normal for Noah for Christmas. He was another year older and he was catching on to the whole concept of Christmas and making a list for Santa and helping put up Christmas decorations. Noah was completely oblivious.

They did the usual Christmas Eve fare, except for the snowman in the park. The couple did coordinate on the gifts and wrapped them together. But their usual romantic night didn't happen and, after placing the gifts under the tree and dealing with the milk and cookies, they just went to bed to sleep.

Ed did make the Santa waffles on Christmas morning and they watched the parade while Noah opened his presents. A lot of the toys were more intellectually stimulating than the previous year's gifts, and Noah was iffy on whether or not he liked them, but they were toys and he got the things he'd asked Santa for, so …

The day proceeded as usual and they had lunch and after a civil and brief conversation, Ed went home to his family.

Ed had begged off on coming over on New Year's Eve and claimed he was working late, but he promised to come over the next day and hang out. Olivia, feeling sad and lonely, had invited her squad over for a little party and to watch football. She and Ed kept things together, but she was pretty sure her friends could sense something wasn't right.

After that, it just fell apart.

Olivia wiped the tears from her eyes and looked back over at the Christmas tree. She stood up and approached it, and touched some of the ornaments. As she ran her eyes over the tree, Noah's storage box of toys in the corner caught her eye. She looked at it and noticed the colorful wooden puzzle blocks and the puzzles and matching games. And the box of flashcards Ed had gotten him for Christmas two years ago. Her son used them now, to practice writing out the letters of the alphabet. Those toys and games had been purchased by Ed; those ones and some of the stuff Noah had in his room.

A memory hit her. That week between their last Christmas together and New Year's. Lucy was on vacation with her family and Olivia had to work some of those days and his preschool was on holiday break. Ed had volunteered to hang out with Noah during that week, despite their issues. One of the days she'd come home early, Ed was sitting on the floor with Noah, trying to get him to sound out words based on the images on the flashcards and a corresponding object; he was patient and had turned it into a game with her son so he wouldn't feel overwhelmed and walk away. She watched as Noah got excited when he got something right and Ed congratulated him and asked to toss the object into the basket.

At the time, she felt a slight annoyance at Ed trying to act like a parent to her son and taking that away from her, because it was her responsibility as Noah's mother to make sure he wasn't falling behind, but she had also felt touched by the scene and watching her son get excited at learning things.

The longer she thought about it, the more she realized that Ed was doing for her son what he'd been doing for her since they'd started their friendship-turned-relationship; he was looking out for them. He was helping her without making it seem that he was taking her responsibilities as a parent away from her. He took his time with Noah, he took those days off from work to be with Noah, and he bought those particular toys for Noah. He'd gone out of his way, by choice, to help her and her son. He cared about Noah and his well-being and education.

He had never tried to take her away from her time at work; he just wanted to ease her stress because he knew that she'd allow that stress to eat at her. He had never tried to take her away from her time with her son; he'd taken her and her toddler to the most romantic city in the world without a second thought because he did want her and that little boy to be apart for any length of time.

Her thoughts turned to the present and recent events and she wondered if anything really had changed since they'd been apart. She was still trying to run her squad and make sure nothing happened to them while trying to be a hands-on mother to a kindergartner. And she still felt like she was failing, especially after Noah had told her he wished Lucy was his mom. That had hit her hard. She wasn't sure if he really meant it or if he was just in a mood. Then she saved his life and he'd ended up with a bruise and suddenly they were thinking work-related stress was causing her to abuse her own child. And then Sheila Porter showed up and her parenting was called into question again and she had made the mistake of trusting Sheila and suddenly Noah had disappeared.

After getting him back earlier in the month, Olivia had decided to make this Christmas a special one, for herself and for her son, to get their minds off of Sheila and what had happened.

But, part of her still felt like she had been making bad judgment calls in her life. She thought she'd been doing the right thing by ending things with Ed to focus on her job and her son, but it just left her heartbroken and she still struggled. She tried to trust Sheila because she wanted Noah to have that biological connection to his past, but … She often wondered if she had opened up with Ed and realized and appreciated how much he cared about her and her son, would things have been different? If they had still been together, how would he have handled Sheila?

She wasn't exactly questioning her ability to be a single mother and raise a child on her own with a demanding job, and it's not as though she needed someone in her life or that Noah needed to be in a two-parent household to be well-adjusted. She'd raised Noah thus far and she had people like Lucy, who was an absolute godsend, and Nick's mother Cesaria's help when necessary, and her whole squad to help her when she needed it; they were all a part of Noah's life.

She also had the help of a man who was more than willing to be a part of her son's life and he had fit the role of father-figure so perfectly. She couldn't see it then; she did now.

Olivia looked back up at the tree and the surrounding Christmas decorations and then beyond her windows to see the twinkling lights and trees through other families' windows. A movement caught her attention and she watched through their window, two people coming before their own tree and embracing. She smiled; she hoped they, and all the other families were happy about the holiday season. She hoped they were experiencing the same kind of happiness she had felt two years ago. Everyone deserved that kind of happiness.

And, maybe she did, too … if it wasn't too late.