CW: Reflecting on some unpleasant childhood memories

Ten years is a long time. For me, at least, being almost fifteen. Maybe for old people, a decade didn't seem like a long time because they'd lived so many decades that one more was nothing. But for a teenager, ten years was an extremely long time. That's a hundred and twenty months.

A hundred and twenty months. A hundred and twenty full moons. A hundred and twenty times transformed (approximately, some months had two full moons).

The 16th of February, 1965 was the worst day of my life – and what I thought would've been the last. At the time, I was four years old – almost five.

The 16th of February, 1975 was somehow a day of mixed feelings. On that day I was fourteen years old – almost fifteen.

Obviously, every anniversary of the day I'd been bitten was a bad day, as it wasn't exactly a nice date for me. But this was the ten-year anniversary.

I didn't mention the fact that it was the ten-year anniversary to any of my friends for a while, I just acted normal, and then I received a letter from my dad at breakfast. I opened the envelope, and I saw it was a longer letter than what my parents would usually send to me, and immediately began reading.

Dear Remus,

I'm sure you're aware of the date today. It's been ten years since I made the worst mistake of my life and it affected you horribly.

I guess I just want to apologise to you. For everything you've been through in the past ten years; how much you've suffered. If I hadn't been so much of a bigoted pig against Greyback, maybe it never would have happened.

But that would be an alternate universe, and this is our reality. I need you to realise, however, that you are so much more than your condition. You're Remus John Lupin. I've loved you since the moment you were born, and that didn't change the night you were bitten.

Of course, we've had our fair share of trouble, but you shouldn't place the blame on yourself. It is entirely my fault, and I am so sorry I've led you to believe it's your fault.

Alright, Remus, I just need to warn you about the next section of my letter: there's some serious cringey-dad-obsessing-over-his-son content.

Do you remember how excited you were on the morning of your first day at Hogwarts? You woke us all up at six in the morning even though your train left at eleven. Nana made you pancakes, which just made you even happier.

Remember your sixth birthday? You insisted on baking your own cake, but of course, you didn't know how to bake a cake, so you took all the chocolate in the house and placed it in a bowl, and you didn't understand why it wasn't turning into a cake.

I'll never forget your trial at the ministry. I know that's not something you want to think about right now, today's probably already hard for you. You were only twelve years old. It was so painful to watch you so upset. Watching you face the comments of people trying to get you put down. But you're so strong, and you got through it.

I love you so much, and so does your mother. And I know this letter may seem like I've been blabbering on, but I really am so sorry for what you've been through because of my mistake.

I'm so sorry,

Love,

Dad.

My hands moved to either side of my torso, and if I pushed down slightly on the sides of my shirt, I could feel the deep dents.

The ten-year-old dents.

I didn't blame my dad for anything. Who wouldn't hate a werewolf? He didn't need to apologise for a thing.

I guess he felt bad. I felt bad for him and my mother. They'd dealt with a monster for a son for ten whole years now. Almost my entire life. I could barely even remember my life before the bite.

I'd seen old photos, however. Some were black and white and unmoving, the photos taken by my mother, and others had colour and movement, the ones taken by my father. My hair had been blond up until some point in 1964, and I'd had tight curls up until the age of six when it had remained somewhat curly, but straightened out. I was always smiling in the older photos I saw of myself, the photos before the bite.

And then there was the attack itself.

Waking up to find my bedroom window open, and that full moon. The first time I'd thought anything of a full moon. Not long before I'd stated that I loved the moon, and at that moment, looking out the open window, I was frightened.

Climbing out of bed to look out of the open window, then something jumped into my room and pinned me down to the floor.

And then the bite itself. The pain, the screaming, the blood. Not being able to move.

My parents came in and took me to St Mungo's, and because of that, I survived.

And then there were the people I'd killed. I thought about Monifa the most, as she was the first person I'd killed, and she'd been my friend, and she was the only person the ministry knew I'd killed.

On many full moons, I wished I hadn't survived the bite. As I transformed, all I could think about was, Being dead would be better than this.

But there were the good things in my life. The things I never would have gotten to have or experience if I'd died ten years ago. I wouldn't be at Hogwarts. I wouldn't have amazing friends. I would never have kissed Sirius, never even met him. Missed out on that awful yet amazing time when I'd obsessed over him, thinking he'd never like me back. That wonderful day I'd found he liked me back.

If I'd died when I was four years old, there would be future life milestones I'd never experience. I wouldn't be able to experience my sweet sixteen, I wouldn't be able to experience coming of age, I'd never experience my twenty-first birthday, I wouldn't have even lived to the seventies, let alone the eighties, or the nineties, or the new millennium (which was just twenty-five years away!).

"Remus? Are you alright, Remus?"

"He looks really deep in thought," said James, and I shook my head, returning to reality.

"I… sorry," I said.

"Are you alright!?" Peter asked.

"Yeah," I said, smiling. "Yeah, I'm great, actually. You know, the Great Lake isn't going to be frozen for much longer, so do you guys want to go ice skating!?"

"But… but we don't have any skates," said Peter.

I shrugged. "Let's just slide around on the ice in our shoes."

"But what if we fall through the ice!?" Peter cried.

"We won't," I said.

"What if we do?"

"Oh, stop worrying Peter," said James. "I think it's a great idea, Remus."

"Great," I smiled, and we all got up and casually walked out of the Great Hall, then out of the entrance hall to the frozen Great Lake.

"Race you onto the ice!" Sirius cried to no one in particular, and he and James darted onto the ice, then landed onto the ice on their knees and slid across.

"It's strong ice, Peter," said James.

"You ready?" I said to Peter, and he took in a deep breath, then nodded.

"Can we go slowly, though?" he asked, and I nodded. We walked towards the ice slowly together, then Peter hesitantly put his foot on the ice. I walked onto the ice, then went around and stepped in front of him, so he'd at least have a softer landing if he fell.

But he didn't fall, thank god, and he managed to slide onto the ice, and smiled once he realised it was strong ice.

While Peter and I struggled to stay on our feet, James and Sirius were madly dashing across the ice together, laughing and trying to get in front of each other.

"That's a galleon, James!" Sirius cried out.

"I don't think so," said James, tapping Sirius on the head and zooming past him. How they were so good at skating (and they didn't even have skates!), I had no idea.

We all got too cold to spend another minute ice-skating by noon, so we all grabbed our lunch from the Great Hall and decided to eat it in the common room by the fireplace.

"So, what was with the sudden urge to go ice skating?" James asked me, his mouth full of sausage sandwich.

"It's been ten years since I thought I was going to die, so instead of moping about it, I thought it would be good to celebrate the fact that I'm alive," I said.

"You mean… when you were bitten?" Peter asked, and I nodded.

"Well, that's a great thing to celebrate," said James. "Wanna go to Hogsmeade?"

"But… but it's not a Hogsmeade day," said Peter.

"Yeah," said James, a smile appearing on his face, "that's the whole point."

"I don't think we should be doing this…"

"Oh, grow up, Peter."

"It's alright, Peter, I've got the cloak here just in case," said James, squeezing Peter's shoulder encouragingly.

"Oi! Where d'you lot think you're going?"

I rolled my eyes, and we all turned around to see Filch facing us, Mrs. Norris at his feet.

"We were just going to the courtyard," I said. It was amazing how easily lies came to me.

"Really, because that exit is the way to Hogsmeade," Filch sneered. "The exit to the courtyard is on the other side of the castle. Detention for you four, I think."

"Oh, really?" I said. "I thought the courtyard was out there. Oh, alright, thank you, we'll be on our way to the courtyard."

And the four of us walked right past him.

"Yeah, well I'll be here, so don't try coming back this way!" Filch cried out as we left.

"How are we supposed to get to Hogsmeade now?" Sirius asked.

"Well, the Shrieking Shack is in Hogsmeade," I said, just thinking out loud.

"Of course!" James cried. "You're a genius, Remus!"

"Alright, come on, then," I said, and led them out of the castle and towards the whomping willow. "Uh, so the easiest way to calm it down is apparently to tickle the knot, but it's kind of hard to get to it, honestly only a tiny little creature probably could do it, so I just do this spell…"

I grabbed out my wand and pointed it at the tree. "Immobulus."

The tree paused, and I led my friends through the hole, then felt my stomach tighten as we entered the shack. It was really messy, but the bigger problem was that there were huge blood stains on the floor I'd never bothered to clean up. Why had I suggested coming here?

The other three were looking around silently, and they all looked just as uncomfortable as I felt.

I hated that they were seeing this. I'd wanted a good day with them, and… I hadn't even thought… I'd just been thinking about getting us all a good time in Hogsmeade without Filch knowing.

And now I felt so embarrassed, and I couldn't even move to get out of there, get them away from it, which was all I wanted to do, but I was just standing there, paralysed, and I could feel the other three's eyes burning on me.

They probably thought I'd suggested coming through here in search of attention and pity. I was so stupid.

"Alright, do we want to go and get some sweets?" I heard James's voice in my ear and felt his hand on my shoulder.

We all shuffled out of the shrieking shack awkwardly until we were on the hill looking down to Hogsmeade. It wasn't until we were all sitting outside Honeydukes with a pile of sweets in front of us that I managed to speak.

"I'm… I'm really sorry, guys, I didn't mean for you all to have to see that… I didn't think... I suppose I'm so used to seeing it that it slipped my mind that you guys wouldn't… I'm so sorry…"

"I'm sorry, Remus," James said, interrupting me, "but why the hell are you sorry? You gave us a way to get into Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, but you had to see the… the blood, I'm so sorry you had to see that," I said, "I know it's not normal, I'm not normal…"

"But you are normal!" James said fiercely. "You've just got a - a problem - a furry little problem. It's alright. I promise. We know you didn't mean for us to see it, and it's alright, OK? You don't need to be ashamed."

"OK," I said, nodding. I still felt really embarrassed, but it had eased a lot just from James saying that.

James Potter was the best friend anyone could ask for, and no one could change my mind.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything about… y'know… I just stood there."

"It's fine. What would you have said, though? Just given me pity? That would've been worse."

"I know. I'm sorry, though," said Sirius. We were lying on my bed, later that night.

"I'm so-"

"Don't say sorry, Moony," said Sirius.

"OK..."

"I, um… I didn't know you bled that much…"

"Well, it's not really my favourite topic to talk about, y'know," I said, shrugging. "Girls bleed every month, too, and they don't go around talking about how much they bleed."

"You know that's not the same thing," said Sirius.

I placed my head on his chest and said, "Whatever."

"We're going to figure out how to become Animagus," said Sirius, taking my hands. "I promise."

"Sirius..." I said.

"But we are," he said. "We've been researching a lot lately. "We really want to help you."

"Sirius..." I said again.

"We know it's safe," said Sirius. "Come on, we've had this conversation before."

"Alright…" I said.

"Are you OK?"

"Yeah," I said. And then, after a bit, I added, "You?"

"Yeah."

We were silent for a bit.

"I'm sorry you had to see that today," I said, breaking the silence. "It's not pretty, and I know it made you feel uncomfortable, and you're probably still feeling really uncomfortable. But can you please try and forget you ever saw it?"

"Yeah," said Sirius, planting a kiss on the top of my head. "Yes, of course."

By the time we entered March, Sirius, James, and Peter hadn't mentioned what happened in the Shrieking Shack since what had happened in the Shrieking Shack.

Other developments and gossip around the school included:

- Alice Fortescue and Frank Longbottom were officially a couple.

- Mary's petition hadn't gotten Harold Minchum fired, however, the rule had been taken down, which she was happy enough about.

- Gryffindor won the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff, and according to James, they just had to beat Ravenclaw now to win the Quidditch cup.

- James and Sirius had 'accidentally' set the Potions classroom on fire, and all Potions classes were cancelled for a week and a hundred points were taken from Gryffindor.

- Davey Gudgeon had nearly lost an eye due to playing near the Whomping Willow, and the game a bunch of students often played around it had been banned.

- Reg Cattermole had told one person that he had a crush on Mary Macdonald, and now the news was spreading throughout the entire school.

So, to sum it up, nothing out of the ordinary happened in the second half of February 1975 at Hogwarts.

And after the full moon, I'd furiously scrubbed the blood off the floor.

And now, at breakfast on the 1st of March, Sirius wouldn't shut up about my upcoming birthday.

"Fifteen isn't important," I said.

"It'll just be a cake in the dormitory," Sirius grinned.

"You said that last year, and the entire school ended up singing happy birthday to me," I said, crossing my arms.

"Really?" said Sirius, with a look of mock confusion. "I don't remember that happening… it does sound like a good idea, though…"

"No, Sirius," I said. "I will not turn up to dinner on my own birthday if you're going to do that."

"Moooonyyyy," Sirius pouted, and I rolled my eyes.

"It's not my life goal to embarrass you," I responded.

"Yes, but it's mine to embarrass you," said Sirius.

"God, will you two just kiss already?" said James, throwing a small piece of toast across the table at Sirius and I. Peter's eyes widened, and James was just grinning at the two of us, a piece of bread crust poking out from between his teeth. He then looked directly at Sirius, and they seemed to have a silent conversation because they were both nodding to each other within seconds.

On the second day of March, something out of the ordinary did happen. During my first lesson of the day, History of Magic, there was an announcement throughout the entire school.

"Could Remus Lupin please come to the Headmaster's office?"

Dumbledore's voice. Announcing I had to go see him for the entire school to hear. Looking down at my desk to avoid the eyes that were now on me, I stood up and walked briskly out of the classroom.

As I walked through the halls towards Dumbledore's office, I began to overthink why I had to go up there. Was I being expelled? Had I failed school?

And then it hit me.

The Polyjuice potion.

He must've found out.

Shit.

I arrived at the doors of Dumbledore's office and knocked. The winding staircase appeared, and I stepped onto it, trying to keep my breaths even.

Soon I was in the Headmaster's office and greeted by Dumbledore.

"Remus," he said, sounding calmer than I'd expected. "There's someone here to see you."

I was so taken aback, that, "I – what?" was all I could manage.

"She's just in the back of my office," said Dumbledore.

"She – is she my mum?" I asked.

"No," Dumbledore responded.

"Who is it, then?" I asked.

"Go and see for yourself. She's been very insistent on seeing you," said Dumbledore.

"Er – OK," I said, then walked to the back of his office to come face-to-face with Walburga Black.