CW: Violence
I went straight to bed that night. My head was throbbing from the loud argument that was going on inside it.
No one cares about you.
You're clearly being selfish by not caring about Sirius right now.
I do care about him, I'm just still pissed off at him because he clearly doesn't care about me.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
I think what he did is a little worse than me not forgiving him just because he went through something traumatic...
I must have stopped thinking and fallen asleep at some point, because before I knew it, the alarm in the dormitory was going off, and now I was expected to go down to breakfast and get myself ready for class.
When I managed to drag myself out of my four-poster, James and Peter were already leaving the dormitory, and Sirius approached me.
"I should get changed," I said, leaning down and rummaging through my trunk to find my school uniform.
"Remus, I'm sorry," said Sirius.
"Alright," I said dryly.
"I'm not just saying that to try and get you to stop being upset with me," said Sirius. "You have every right to be upset. You have every right to be mad. I just wanted you to know I really am so sorry. If our positions were switched, I'd think that you think of me as a monster and nothing else. I'd think that all that time I'd spent thinking you accepted the fact that I have lycanthropy was a lie."
I felt my stomach flip because that's exactly what I thought, and that's what hurt me so much.
"And," Sirius continued, "I'd think that when you'd said you loved me it had been a lie. But Remus, I can assure you it was not a lie. Your condition is one tiny little part of you, and it doesn't even affect how I feel about you-"
"Why did you do it, then?" I said, looking at the floor because I felt like if I looked at him, I'd either cry in front of him, shout at him, or kiss him because what he'd just said would have made me love him so fucking much under any other circumstances.
But in the circumstances we were under, I knew he just didn't want me to be mad at him anymore, and I wasn't buying any of his bullshit.
"It – I didn't think he'd actually go to the Whomping Willow..."
"Well, he did," I said, my tone cold. "Congratulations, are you now realising that you didn't think it through?"
"I realised that the moment James went to stop him," said Sirius. "I really fucked up,Moony, and you had to pay for it... that's not fair, and I'm so, so, so, so sorry."
"Why did you tell him?" I asked.
"He kept pestering me about it, I wasn't thinking straight, I just wanted him to shut up, and I just blurted it out, I said, 'Go to the Whomping Willow if you want to know so badly'. And then I began thinking that if he was to actually go, how great it would be if he ended up dead..."
"You wanted him dead!" I cried, finally looking up at him. "And you wanted me to murder him! How could you want that? What the fuck is wrong with you!?"
"I didn't actually think he'd go, Moony!" Sirius cried.
"But you wanted him to, didn't you!?" I said, feeling tears threaten to come out, but I didn't want to cry in front of him... but fuck it, a tear was now rolling down my cheek, and then another, and another, until they were streaming down my face, because he'd upset me more than anyone had ever upset me in my entire fifteen years and ten months of existence, except maybe Greyback, but that didn't hurt as much, because I didn't care about Greyback or ever think I was in love with him like I did with Sirius.
Sirius didn't try and stop my sudden display of emotion. He let me cry like the weak baby I was.
"If... if you wanted him dead, which, by the way, is super fucked up... but if you wanted him dead so bad, why couldn't you have killed him yourself? Instead of trying to use me as your weapon for murder like I'm your fucking wand or something?" I said after I'd somewhat pulled myself together.
"I didn't want him dead, it was just a passing thought, after I thought that, I just thought, 'He won't go because he probably thinks I'm pulling a prank on him.' But I suppose he's stupider than I thought he was. And I'm stupider than I thought I was, too. I made a mistake, Moony. A massive mistake. And if you want to end things between us, then that's completely understandable..."
"I thought that was a given." I felt awful for saying it, especially after what he had gone through over the break. But I was surprised that he didn't already assume we weren't going to continue going out because I thought he'd made it clear he wasn't interested in me at all if it wasn't to use me to hurt Snape for him.
"Oh, yeah," said Sirius, his voice breaking slightly, "Yeah, of course. I'm sorry."
I looked at the clock. It was almost half past seven. "I'm going to go get breakfast before class."
"OK," said Sirius, and I left him standing there, feeling sick. He'd made a mistake, and everyone made mistakes, yes, but the mistake Sirius had made had affected me in such a negative way that I couldn't just turn around and forgive him just like that.
I looked at the floor as I walked, my mind spinning and my vision blurring, and I didn't even notice that Snape was walking past me until I was on the floor because he'd tripped me over.
I tried to get up and move on because I was really not in the mood to talk to Snape, but he kicked the side of my head, then knelt down to speak into my ear.
"If I hadn't been sworn to secrecy about what you are, you beast, then I'd be personally organising to have you put down," he drawled. Or at least that's what I thought he said, because my head was throbbing from where he had just kicked me, and I couldn't think straight. "But Professor Dumbledore will expel me if I say anything... I can't believe he's letting you get away with this! You should be dead!"
As he said the word 'dead', he punched my stomach, and then said 'dead' again and came down on my stomach again, then again, and again, and again, until I lost my sense of touch and just felt numb. I couldn't even tell that he was gone after he'd until I'd been lying there alone for a solid half hour.
Despite the fact that it was winter, and I felt cold, my hands and face were sweating, and my hair was plastered onto my forehead. I felt myself shaking as I managed to stand up, trying to process what had just happened.
I'd been arguing with Sirius, then I walked out to go to the Great Hall, I'd passed Snape, he'd tripped me, he'd kicked my head, then he started repeatedly telling me I should be dead while punching my stomach.
I stumbled through the hall and into the nearest bathroom and expelled the contents of my stomach into the toilet. However much pain I was in, I didn't blame Snape. I had almost killed him, so if he wanted to kick my head and punch my stomach, he could.
After I'd finished throwing up, I checked my watch to find out that I'd already missed half of my first lesson of the day. I didn't want to walk into the classroom halfway through the lesson, so I decided I'd line up with everyone else before our second lesson of the day and pretend that I'd been at the first lesson with everyone else.
I walked down to the fifth floor, then went into the prefect's bathroom to use the bath. I normally would feel stupid, like I was acting like a girl by taking a bath to calm myself down, but at that moment I didn't really care.
"Did you really cut Potions?" Peter asked, his eyes widening.
"Damn, Remus the rebel, rebel," James laughed.
"I didn't tear my dress," I said.
"What?"
"Nevermind," I said, shaking my head. We were in Charms, and Peter was completely blown away by the fact that I had 'purposefully' cut Potions.
"Well, Slughorn helped us prepare for a mock O.W.L exam which will take place next lesson, and now you won't be ready," said Lily.
I shrugged. "I'm not doing Potions next year anyway."
Lily sighed. "At this rate, it seems like it'll just be Severus and I doing Potions."
"I'll do it with you, Evans!" said James.
"Uh, OK," said Lily, tucking a piece of dark red hair behind her ear.
"How are your essays going?" Flitwick squeaked, waddling over to where we were all sitting, and we all looked down at our empty parchments.
"She was playing with her hair! Mary said that girls do that around guys they like! It's a sign!"
"James, she tucked her hair behind her ear once," said Sirius. "I hate to burst your bubble, but when you have long hair, it gets in your face. I know that, and my hair's not even half the length of Evans's."
"But Mary's a girl," said James. "So, no offence Sirius, but she'd know more about what girls do around guys they like more than you would."
"Alright then, James," said Sirius. "Whatever you say."
Over the weekend, Sirius and I continued to act normal, as if nothing had changed, however, we didn't ever speak to each other without other people around, and even then, our communication was at a bare minimum.
James noticed, of course, and he wanted to do something about it. On Saturday afternoon, after he and Sirius had finished Quidditch training, James found me studying in the common room, and sat in an armchair across from me, his mud-stained robes splattering everywhere.
"So, Remus," he said. "You're obviously upset with Sirius because of his prank?"
I just sighed in response.
"I get you probably think he doesn't care about you at all, but you need to understand that Sirius made a massive mistake. He's only human, and the way he's been raised doesn't help. I'm not going to make excuses or apologise for Sirius, and I know he's tried to apologise to you himself. Just... just think about accepting his apology, maybe." James shrugged. "It's completely up to you, though."
"OK," I said.
"Alright, well Sirius and Peter are getting food from the kitchens to have afternoon tea in the courtyards," said James. "You coming?"
"Is there going to be chocolate?" I asked.
"Of course Sirius would have gotten chocolate, he wants to get on your good side," said James, and I actually laughed for the first time since I'd found out what Sirius had done.