CW: Negative thoughts

11:15 am Saturday 8th of May 1976.

That was the date and time of my Career's Advice meeting, according to the slip of paper I was holding. It was now almost 11:30, and I was still sitting outside Professor McGonagall's office, my legs restless as I waited for her to come out and invite me in for my meeting.

I checked the paper again, but my meeting was definitely scheduled for 11:15. Peter's meeting was scheduled before mine, so that would mean he was still in there. Professor McGonagall was probably telling him off about not trying hard enough with his schoolwork.

I ran over in my head what I was intending to say. I'd tell Professor McGonagall that I wanted to be a teacher, and ask her what classes she took in N.E.W.T level to become a teacher, then probably do what she says that she did.

It was another ten minutes before the door to Professor McGonagall's office opened, and Peter scurried out, his face pink. Professor McGonagall stepped out after him and motioned for me to come into his office.

My stomach did a flip as I stood up out of the waiting seat that was sitting outside of her office, then walked inside, closing the door behind me.

"Sorry you had to wait, Mr. Lupin," said Professor McGonagall, then she pointed to the seat across from her desk. "Take a seat."

I sat down, and she sat on the other side of the desk, placing a fresh piece of parchment in front of her. There was a tub of chocolate biscuits on the desk, which looked delicious, but I didn't take one because I didn't want to seem like I was more interested in the food than the meeting.

"So... Mr. Lupin," said Professor McGonagall. "As you hopefully know, this meeting is to talk about your future and help you choose which subjects you want to continue into N.E.W.T level. Do you have any ideas as to what career you might want after you leave school?"

"Yes, I want to be a teacher," I said.

Professor McGonagall's expression faltered slightly. "Mr. Lupin, I... I think you'd make a wonderful teacher, and I'd love to have you as my colleague in a few years, and with the marks you're getting, you'd have no problem becoming a teacher. But technically, according to the law, you are not allowed to be a teacher."

I felt my heart sink. I already knew that, of course, but I'd thought maybe... maybe...

I didn't know what I'd thought. Professor McGonagall may have broken the law to help my friends become Anamagi to save me from potentially killing myself, but she wasn't going to break the law to let me have my dream career. That was a want, not a need.

"Right. Of course," I said. "Are there any jobs I can do?"

"Most shops at Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade..." said Professor McGonagall.

Oh, perfect, I thought. A job that I could easily get during these coming summer holidays, as a full-time job as an adult. Just perfect.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lupin. I could turn around and tell you that you could take up any career you wanted and have you work hard for it over the next two years, but you'd only be disappointed after sitting your N.E.W.T.s," said Professor McGonagall.

"No, no, it's alright..." I said. It was stupid, but I sort of wanted to cry. Why had I expected to be able to become a teacher? "Um, what classes would I need to do...? For um, I dunno, working at the Three Broomsticks?"

Professor McGonagall pursed her lips. "I mean, the law could change by the time you're old enough to become a teacher..."

"I don't want false hope," I said, my voice blunt.

"I know I sounded harsh before, but you should still try, just in case," said Professor McGonagall. But I didn't care anymore. My huge bubble of hope had been deflated in less than five minutes, and now it just seemed like she was trying to be positive out of pity. "Here, look, what subject would you want to teach?"

"The subject of giving out sweets to kids," I said, standing up, because I thought I was about to bawl my eyes out and I didn't want to do that in front of anyone, especially not a teacher.

"Mr. Lupin..." Professor McGonagall started, but I just took a chocolate biscuit and then walked out of her office, biting down on the insides of my cheek. Lily was sitting in the waiting seat, and she beamed when she saw me.

"Hey, Remus, how did your meeting go?" she asked, standing up.

"It went fine," I said. "I've got to go... good luck!"

I walked away and popped the biscuit into my mouth. It was stupid, wishing Lily good luck. She didn't need it. She could get any career she wanted. Even if she wasn't better at every class than me, she'd still have more chances of getting a good job than I did.

I walked into the closest bathroom as I finished chewing the biscuit. No one else was in there, so I gripped my hands around the sides of the basin and looked down at the tap.

At this rate, Peter, who seemed like he was going to fail his O.W.L.s, would be able to get a better job than me. I could put in ten times more work than everyone else in my year, and still end up with the worst career.

I let out an annoyed cry and slammed my fists down on the sides of the basin in frustration, which caused the sides of my fists to start throbbing. I did it again, and they stung even more. I did it a few more times until they were red and numb, then turned on the tap and ran my throbbing hands under the cold water.

I turned off the tap and wiped my wet hands on my trousers, then walked out of the bathroom, a lot calmer than when I'd walked in there.

I walked to the common room and saw that Peter was in there, a half-completed essay in front of him. But he wasn't doing it, he was just sitting on the armchair, looking into the fireplace.

It annoyed me so much that he had the opportunities I didn't have, but he was just throwing them away by slacking off like this. It made me want to physically shake everyone in my year and tell them to be grateful and try their hardest in the O.W.L.s. It made me want to rip my hair out... it made me want to bite them all so they could feel what I was feeling and...

What the hell, why would I think that!? I really was a monster.

My frustration levels were rising again at the sight of Peter slacking off, so I walked up the stairs to the dormitory and grabbed my notebooks, where I'd taken so many notes for all my subjects that I'd gone through three already just since the Easter break.

I'd taken so many notes, so I'd be prepared for my O.W.L.s and all for what? What was the point of me even trying in school if it would just end with me being in my twenties working a minimum-wage job with a bunch of teenagers, while all my friends were out making a difference in the world?

Part of me wanted to open the window and throw the notebook and myself out of it, because what was the point of anything at all, including life if my future was practically non-existent?

I didn't do that, though. I just dropped the notebook back on the table, then clambered into my four-poster for a midday nap because I didn't want to think.

I slept for only two hours, but I felt a lot better afterwards. When I woke, Sirius was sitting on his bed, holding a textbook.

"Hey," he said, only a few seconds after I'd opened my eyes. I looked around the dormitory to find that he was the only other person there. "Did you have a nice nap?"

"Yeah, I did," I said, cracking my back.

"So, how did your Careers meeting go?" Sirius asked.

I bit the inside of my cheek. I didn't want to get upset about the meeting again by talking about it, but it was Sirius. I could talk about it with him.

"Not good, to be honest," I said. "I can't be a teacher, or anything, really. Because of my condition."

"What!? Why?" Sirius cried, standing up and walking over to my bed, sitting beside me.

"I suppose I'd be a danger to the students," I said.

"You? A danger?" Sirius scoffed.

"Well, on the full moon..." I said.

"If you can be here as a student, you can be here as a teacher!" Sirius cried, crossing his arms.

"I thought that too, but I suppose not," I said. "Probably because I'm meant to be protective of the students from the danger, so I can't, you know, be the danger."

"That's ridiculous," said Sirius, taking my hand and squeezing it.

"How did your meeting go?" I asked.

"Pretty well," said Sirius. "I told her I want to be an Auror."

"Oh, yeah?" I said, squeezing his hand back. "Are you on track for that?"

"Yeah, I just have to get at least Exceeds Expectations in every single O.W.L," said Sirius. "And do Potions."

I laughed. "Sucks to be you."

"I'm going to be all by myself," said Sirius. "James and Peter are dropping it, and I'm guessing you are, too?"

"No, I'm doing Potions," I said dryly, but Sirius didn't see my sarcasm, because his face lit up. "I'm joking, Sirius, of course I'm not doing Potions."

Sirius sighed. "All by myself."

"You'll have Lily," I said.

"But no marauders," said Sirius.

"No marauders," I repeated, squeezing his hand again.

The following Thursday was the full moon, and for the entire day, my stomach was squeamish. The other three were excited to spend another full moon with me, after a two-month wait, but I once again felt nervous.

It was OK in March. It will be OK again, I thought to myself that evening as I walked to the Hospital Wing. I could sense the other three behind me as Madam Pomfrey walked me down to the Whomping Willow, and through the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack.

As soon as she left, James, Sirius, and Peter appeared, all grinning.

"Alright, Cheese, Shaggy, Moony, are we ready for the night?" James asked.

"Oh my god, I am not being called Cheese anymore," said Peter, rolling his eyes.

"What do you want to be called?" Sirius asked.

"Ugh, I don't know," said Peter. "Why do I have to be a rat?"

At least you're not a werewolf, I thought to myself, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to sound rude, but also because the pain was beginning to shoot across my body as I began to transform.

When the other three marauders noticed that I was transforming, they quickly changed into their animals, and I didn't remember anything after that.

I was tired. So, so, tired, but completely uninjured. I managed to stand and get dressed all while smiling ear to ear because I'd once again been proved wrong by my friends.

If this happened every full moon, I may never feel pain again, apart from the initial pain of transforming.

But no more days of having to sit through classes with magically inflicted wounds bandaged up underneath my clothes, and not being able to say or do anything about them, otherwise I'd be discovered.

Having to not go through that ever again would be a dream come true.