Author's Note: Hey. I. Feel. So. Guilty. I. Am. So. So. So. Sorry. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry for having left this so long.
Many thanks to everone who "screamed" at me over my comment's page. That was very much appreciated. You have no idea. You're probably the reason that I went digging high and low for my flashdrive. Yes. Digging. I'll explain that in a minute.
So, I actually finished this chapter a few weeks ago. Yes. Weeks. I know. You're screaming "WHY!?" at me right now for having not posted. Okay. Well. First half of the story. I started writing this in July, and was attacked viciously by writer's block. Then I suffered from some loss of inspiration and had to chuck out my main story idea. Can't explain. It just didn't work or make sense. So I had to come up with a new chapter course, which I am still struggling with. Also, I was on vacation almost all of August (WITHOUT my laptop stupid planes!). So, I couldn't write more after having scrapped everything that was new.
But, as soon as I got back (and after coming back from camp, as well), whenever I had the chance (and haven't had the kids in my neighbourhood begging for me to draw them), I have worked and re-worked this chapter, chucked the lamest parts out, brought them back, crumpled them up and (metaphorically) threw them out of the second storey window. Then I took a ten meter long fishing pole and dragged them back again because my writer's block was so terrible. As well as warring against writer's block, I have written more, battled with complete lameness and over criticality from myself, listened to one Skillet CD so much that I probably know all of the words perfectly by now, tried to write, ended up staring out of my window at nothing in particular, and then realized that you were all waiting for this and that I had forgotten to write more. Oh, and feeling like an idiot for forgetting to keep writing.
Second half of the story. My flashdrive (remember, I work on a laptop with no internet and that's how I transfer it to an internet-connected computer) went missing and I had a lot of trouble finding the darn thing. In fact, I only found it about twenty mintues ago. And as soon as I found it, I dropped reading Breaking Dawn for the second time, and came to give you this chapter.
I'm going to confess that I am not completely sure or happy with this chapter. So I want criticism. Because I know that this chapter has some pretty big faults, but I'm not quite sure where to polish it up. I can't really decide whether I like it or not. So tell me what you think and where to fix up. Or if you agree with me in thinking that it's a little lame (which I'm starting to think), tell me. I am willing to re-write this chapter. In fact, I almost want to. But I need to know what you think, first.
Many thanks to every one who has been commenting. Whenever I have started staring out of my window, I have turned on my cell and gone and read all of the "Update Soon"s and stuff like that, which has prompted me to keep writing.
I'm going to try to keep writing, but I can't guarantee for now because school has started again. But, check especially around weekends and more. And in the worst case scenario, you might have to wait until Christmas Mintermist shudders. I would hate to make you wait that long, though, but if for some odd reason I can't write for a while, by then I will have something up, even if it's just a paragraph.
Again. I appologize for having made you wait. I'm not going to make you wait longer. Go. Read. And review. And scream at me if I don't write. I need that. It inspired me and made me write a bit.
PS The majority of this was written at approximately four am. So I'm sorry if anything doesn't make sense... :P
Discomfort
Discomfort was what woke Jester. Discomfort, and an aching neck. Groaning softly, he stretched his sore muscles and winced. Yesterday's riding had had a heavy toll on him, and he found aches in places he didn't know existed.
Admit it, Jester, he mentally chided himself, you are secretly wishing that you had slept on a nice, comfortable mattress and forgot about being the gentleman. He tentatively brought a hand to his face to rub his tired eyes, and a stab of stiff pain shot down his side. Jester grimaced. Deffinately wish you had.
The window was still open from the previous evening, and the soft sound of bird song was enough to make him momentarily forget his pains. He turned and tottered to the windowsill -wincing slightly- the early light bathing his face in warm, transparent gold. The crisp scent of morning was fresh and distinct in the cool breeze, and he was sure that he could almost taste it in the air. It was so sweet that he sighed.
"A new dawn, a new day," he murmured, fully appreciating the saying. Endless possibilities stretched before him today, if only he pushed forwards. An empty canvas waiting to be painted; he hoped to paint a masterpiece on it.
A flood of memory reminded him of the previous night, and he felt something warm in him. Jane's words replayed over and over in his mind. Not yet. He smiled hopefully to himself, but also felt a pang of something else. Something uncomfortable. Something that greatly resembled worry. Jester's hands clenched on the sill for support as a horrible thought struck him. What if she was just saying that to spare his feelings? What if there was no truth in it? Doubtful thoughts swirled through his mind, making his pulse pick up speed, and his breathing to grow somewhat uneven with stress.
Maybe he had been wrong about Jane being oblivious to his feelings? Could she really have known all those years? Jester shuddered at the thought. It made something tighten in his stomach uncomfortably.
Jester had almost always been there with her, as well as there for her. He had become so attuned to her moods that he knew immediately when something was wrong, or when she was secretly pleased, or if she was embarassed, or trying to hide something. He had become so used to her that he thought that he almost knew her very thoughts just by looking into her eyes.
But...what if she had grown the same way?
What if she could read him like an open book? If she had known for years how he felt, how his pulse quickened when she walked into the room, how he had struggled to keep her happy and had even been prepared to sacrifice his own happiness for her?
Could she have known? Did she feel sorry for the poor, love-struck fool, and simply say something that sparked hope in him, just to spare his silly heart?
Jester closed his eyes tightly, trying to block out his thoughts. No. He couldn't think like that. Jane wouldn't do that to him, he was sure. They had been friends for too long, and he knew by now that she wouldn't be afraid to speak her mind to him, even if his heart would be slightly scraped and bruised in the doing.
"Uungh." A soft moan made Jester's eyes snap open again, and his head whipped around. He was rewarded by a sharp, jabbing pain in his neck.
"Ouch! Stupid chair..." He cursed mildly under his breath, massaging his neck with one hand, as his eyes came to rest upon the sleeping form of Jane.
"Uungh..." She was obviously dreaming. Or having a nightmare. Either way, Jester had an uncomfortable gut feeling.
"Jane?" Jester asked quietly. Jane turned over, murmuring unintelligibly in her sleep. She began to breathe in sharp, ragged breaths.
"Jane?" Jester asked again, a bit louder and more alarmed. He took a hesitant step towards the bed.
"No...no..." Jane was speaking in gasps, clearly agonized over something only her unconcious mind could see. "Not...no...no!"
"Shh, Jane, shh. Wake up!" Jester hissed.
"No...please...not...auuuuuggh!" Jane screamed softly, and began sobbing into her pillow.
"Jane, what is it?" Jester tried to sound soothing, in hopes of reaching her in her dream.
"Dragon..." Jane whimpered, "No...no...Pepper...Rake...Smithy...Princess...no!"
"Jane, please, wake up!" Jester touched her shoudler lightly. Jane twitched away from him in her sleep.
"Not...no...please, no...Gunther...run! No! ..." She continued to cry into her pillow. Jester sat tentaticely on the edge of the bed.
"Jester..."
He froze.
She had said his name so clearly, her voice ringing almost in relief. It sounded almost as if she was awake. "No...wait...no! No!" Jane screamed again, her face wet with tears. "Jester!! ...No...auuuugh!" Jane sat bolt upright, her eyes flying open. Her eyes met Jester's, taking in his worried expression, her own eyes wide and fearful, and her face pale. It looked like she was going to scream again. Jester clamped a hand over her mouth.
"Shhh, Jane, shhh! It was just a nightmare. You're safe...shh." Jane leaned into his chest, which caused him to turn scarlet, as she hid her face against his shoulder. He hesitantly wrapped an arm around her. She was sobbing convulsively, her body trembling in his arms. Jester hugged her tighter to himself, ignoring the burning pain shooting through his muscles.
"You're safe," he repeated, his fingers absently caressing her hair. Jane took a deep, shuddering breath, and seemed to calm slightly.
"I'm sorry," she muttered finally, her face still pressed against him.
"Don't be. It wasn't your fault. You were just... dreaming." Jester shrugged, trying to force a smile, but the image of Jane's face twisted in horror when she woke was enough to rattle him. Now Jane closed her eyes and sighed, resting her forehead against his shoulder.
"I feel like such a fool," she murmured.
"I'm sorry, but the position of Fool is taken. Though perhaps you could come in a close second, if you work on it." Jester winked, trying to lighten the mood. Jane looked up at him, one eyebrow raised.
"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny, Jester. But no. I was being serious. That was a little...embarassing..." Jane's lips curled at the last word, as if tasting something bitter. Jester shrugged again.
"Why?" He asked innocently. Jane gave him an 'Oh-you-think-you're-so-funny' look.
"You're joking," she said.
"No, I'm not. Please, illuminate me." Jane rolled her eyes at him, exasperated.
"Think of it, you fool. The first girl knight, seventeen years old, and supposedly not afraid of anything -a girl who rides a dragon, no less- waking up screaming about a silly dream. And with an audience, too! Ugh!" Jane groaned softly. Jester pretended to think about it seriously for a minute.
"Hmm...I guess I see your point...not exactly dignifying."
"Thanks," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Well, you said it first..." He grinned at her, "But don't worry, I won't tell." She glared at him.
"You'd better not."
"Friend's honor," Jester said with mock solemnity. Jane sighed and leaned back against his shoulder.
"I'm still sorry you saw that," she said, biting her lip.
"Care to tell me what you saw?" Jester looked at her with concern in his eyes. Jane blushed and shook her head, eyes lowered.
"It was just something stupid," she said, all too quickly. Jester was silent a moment, his eyes distant.
"You said my name," he said at last. His voice held the ghost of a smile, but his face was blank of any emotion. Perfectly composed.
Jane looked up sharply, and then back at her hands.
"W-what?" There was a catch in her voice.
"You said my name," Jester repeated, "When you were asleep." He tried to catch her eye, but she continued to stare resolutely downwards.
"What else did I say?" Jane asked quietly. Jester shrugged.
"Well, between the screaming, and the 'No's, you said other people's names. Dragon, Pepper, Rake, Smithy, the Princess, Gunther," he ticked them off on his hand, "And then me." Jester took her chin in one gentle hand, and tilted her face up to look at him. He held her face firmly, and she reluctantly met his even gaze. "I don't think," he said softly, "that it was just something stupid. I think that it was something that hurt you...you should have heard your voice and seen your face when you woke up,"
"It was nothing..."
"Jane," he said her name softly, eyebrows raised. She swore mildly.
"It's... hard to explain..."
"I'm listening." Jane glared at him.
"It was just...okay, well, fine," she snapped, and then sighed, "I guess it was just that I was...losing...the people I... loved. I don't know. It was dark and there was a...a...a blackness that swallowed everyone up, that cut them down, that tore them away from me. And I felt... powerless, I guess. I couldn't do a thing. It was as if no one...no one could see me, or hear me, or anything. I screamed for them to run, but they would keep going towards danger.
"Then, after Pepper, and Dragon, after Rake, and Smithy, and the Princess, and everyone else were gone, Gunther was there and I knew that he would be next and I screamed at him to run. But he didn't. He couldn't hear me either.
"And then you were there, and I was still screaming at Gunther to run. But you were different. You could hear me. You wanted to help. As Gunther began to vanish, you said that you would save him, and you began to leave. I begged you to stay with me, and not risk yourself, but you were so eager to...to...I don't know what. Prove yourself? Do something? Ugh. I don't know! But, either way, you ignored me to save him, and then you left me, too, and I watched you vanish before my eyes alongside with Gunther. I couldn't move to stop you. And then I knew that you had... died," Jane's voice sounded strained, but she pushed on. "I couldn't stand it, that everyone I loved was gone. Everything was going dark, and I knew that the blackness was swallowing me, too. It was horrible." Jane shut her eyes, as if trying to block out the images her mind had haunted her with the night before. Jester stared at her, silent, eyes wide.
"Jane," he said, his voice no more than a whisper. "Jane?"
"Yes?" she whispered back hoarsely, eyes still shut.
"Jane, look at me," he took her face in his hands again, fighting back against the sweet burning sensation he felt tingling through his fingertips. She reluctantly opened her eyes. "Jane, I want you to know that, as long as you want me around, I will not leave. Even if the King were to dismiss me, I would be around." His thumb traced her lower lip, and before he even knew what he was doing, he had leaned down and swiftly brushed his mouth against hers.
In that brief moment, everything felt so right to Jester. The kiss was so soft, so sweet. The feeling of his lips moving with hers, clinging, was enough to send shivers through him. She was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and he knew that he was prepared to do anything to keep her happy. Because in that moment, he felt more whole than he ever had in his life. He felt as if he had found the other half to his person, the other half to his very soul, and knew that they were meant to be. He knew, more than before, that he loved her. Loved her more than he loved his own life.
"Please, Jester," Jane murmured, through half-closed lids.
She pulled away, all too soon, blushing. Jester felt frozen. He ran a hand through his hair in disbelief, finally registering what he had just done. Had he just kissed her? Dammit, Jester, he metally screamed at himself. That kiss would cost him, he was sure. It would compromise their friendship. All those years. And, for all that the kiss had felt right, for all that it had felt wonderful...
Jester stood up abruptly.
"Jane...I...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have...sorry..." He turned his back to her and rested his head against the window's edge, staring blindy into the morning. The weak sun shone at the edge of the horizen, and the sky was lit with the pale pinks and oranges of dawn.
Why had he done it? Why did he have to stop thinking, and risk their friendship? How could he have done that? His friendship with Jane was the most treasured thing in his life. He couldn't live without it. Without her. He swore at himself mentally.
"Jester?" A light touch on his elbow made him flinch. He didn't know how long he had been standing there. "Jester, can I... talk to you?" Jane asked, her voice carefully composed.
Jester shrugged and nodded in stoic nonchalance, steeling himself.
"I'm really sorry, Jane," he said with a sigh. Jane grimaced.
"So am I," she said. Jester bowed his head, his fingers gripping the sill, his knuckles turned white.
"I-I...I understand," he said shakily. "I know, I was stupid, and selfish, and I promise that I won't do it again, and I'm sorry, and-"
He felt a hand on his wrist, and allowed himself to be turned around.
"Jester, please, just let me speak," she stared into his face, her eyes sad, and Jester felt something twisting painfully in him as he met her green gaze. It could never be the same, now, he knew. And his relationship with Jane could never, ever be more, either. "Yes, I'm sorry, too," Jane continued, "But not for the... same reasons as you. I'm sorry, because...well, okay, can I explain to you why we can't be? Not yet, at least?"
Jester nodded grimly.
"You can try." Jane bit her lip.
"Jester, you're probably my best human friend. I know I've been a burden at times, and I know that I've hurt you... so much, in fact, that I can't possibly deserve your friendship anymore. But still, you have always been there for me, and you have always done whatever you could to help me. You have been my truest friend.
"I guess that I always knew that you...cared about me. No person can give so much of themselves as you did, so freely, without caring a bit. I admit that I was sort of hoping that you might get over me, at least for a while." Jane shut her eyes and took a deep breath.
"But you didn't. And I think that it's selfish and horrible of me, but a part of me is...glad...of that. I'm glad that you still care, I'm glad that we're here, and I'm hating myself for having to say all of this and I wish I could explain this better and..." Jane took another breath.
"Jane, I-"
"Just let me finish," Jane said. "I have been struggling...for so long...to, well, not feel anything, I guess. I haven't wanted to... to get involved. With anyone. Getting my shield and being knighted is my main goal. I can't have any distractions until then." Jane put a hand to her forehead. "I'm not making much sense, am I?" She asked weakly.
"I get it. You don't feel the same. And that's okay. You don't have to tiptoe around my feelings to let me off lightly-"
"No, that's just it! You don't get it! Jester, don't you realize how...how wonderful that kiss was? How amazing? How much I wanted it, even though I knew I couldn't and shouldn't have it?! No matter what I've been telling myself, no matter how hard I've been trying to ignore it, I think that I'm falling in love with you." Jane shook her head incredulously, her red hair bouncing.
Jester stared at her, speechless.
"So now you know," Jane sighed, "and I have to ask you something. Are you prepared to... wait for me, after everything I've done to you? Are you willing to wait until I have my shield and I'm-"
"Jane," Jester murmured, his face once more close to hers, "You sweet, beautiful, silly creature." He cupped one of her cheeks in his hand, his fingers stroking her face. Jane let out a little sigh of contentment. "I don't know if I can agree to that, you know," He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her tighter to him. His lips found her forehead, and he kissed it lightly. "Mmm...no, I don't think I want agree to that. Not when I have you here, right now." He grinned at her crookedly.
"I don't know if I want you to agree to that, either," Jane breathed, snuggling herself closer to his chest, her arms wrapping around his neck.
"Can I try this again?" Jester asked softly, his finger once more tracing her lips. Jane blushed, but willingly turned her face upwards.
"I think I was right before," she teased, "you are a terrible distraction. I don't know how long I'll be able to last in training if it gets to be any better...or worse, than this..."
"Are you sure I'd be a distraction," Jester asked, his face solemn, "what if we just called me extra comfort?"
Jane grinned.
"Mmm, I like the sound of that," she laughed, "Comfort for when I leave the training yard, sopping wet, and muddy, bruised by Gunther's cutting remarks."
"Exactly,"
"And besides that," Jane continued, "I'm not really in much of a mood for fighting with myself about distractions today."
"That's good," Jester murmured. "Because I'm not much inclined to listen to those arguments anymore after this." He grinned at her as he caressed her cheek. Jane smiled radiently.
"Are you going to kiss me, or not, you fool?"
Jester didn't answer her at first. Instead, he smiled at her, his eyes taking her in. Then he leant down, and tenderly whispered: "I love you," in her ear, before he covered her mouth with his in a gentle kiss.
Author's End Note: So...please go tell me what you think. I think I might've gone overboard in the fluff. I don't remember. I haven't actually read it in a while. So go. Review. And keep screaming at me through my comment's page! Thanks!