Two Months Later: Early August 2009
Norah
She was putting up the last chair on the table when the front door opened. Dino had left, and Norah didn't like to admit she was nervous to be in there alone, but no one usually bothered her. Except for tonight. She turned her head, catching a glimpse of who was standing there watching her. Her breath caught in her throat.
Lee.
"Oh my God," she said, moving towards him. Her feet went faster with each step until she was in front of him, throwing herself into his arms. To her embarrassment, she started to cry. He didn't say a word. He just held onto her tightly and pressed his face against hers. Norah cherished the moment until anger took over. She pushed back from him, whacking his left arm with her hand hard. He barely flinched, and her hand hurt like hell.
"Where the hell have you been?!" she exclaimed. "I thought you were dead!"
"I'm sorry," he tried.
"You're sorry?! You left over two months ago!" She was full out shouting now. She didn't care. There had been too many nights where she had cried and cried thinking he was dead. She had even moved up to sleep in his room at night just to breathe in his scent to feel comforted because the hoodie wasn't cutting it anymore.
"It was a long job."
Norah pinched the bridge of her nose tightly. Tool was still tight lipped about where the men were and what they were doing, but she knew even he had been afraid after a while when he hadn't heard from any of them.
"Will and Sasha were terrified," Norah went on. She had visited with Char and the kids often enough. She really liked Char. Seeing the kids so scared had been incredibly hard, though.
"I know."
"No, you don't know," she argued. "Hell, even Victoria was scared. We all were!" She thought about the nights they'd spent together trying to distract themselves from the fear. A lot of the time, it hadn't worked.
"Can we talk about this tomorrow?" Lee asked. "You can beat me up all you want then." She saw the exhaustion on his face then. She wanted to keep yelling at him, but she knew he'd eventually just shut down and shut her out if she did. It was better to let him sleep and then get an earful in the morning.
"Fine."
"Thank you," he said, turning to leave. She grabbed his hand and yanked him back into another tight hug, scared to let him go for fear he'd disappear again. She had missed him terribly. Seeing him again now was just reaffirming things she had been denying the entire time he was gone.
"I'm glad you're safe," she said quietly, pulling back and searching his eyes. There was something there that she couldn't describe. It was like he wasn't fully seeing her, that he was somewhere else.
"See you at home," he replied. She watched him go and heard him start his truck outside. She finished closing up and was soon heading home herself. She had no idea what to expect when she got home.
Rose
She was putting gas in her car when Mac pulled up into the parking space to her left in front of the convenience store. She tightened her grip on the pump handle, grinding her jaw and hoping he didn't notice her. She'd been daydreaming about Winston. They'd finally progressed in their relationship the other night, and it was on her mind a lot.
"Rose?"
Crap.
"What, Mac?" she asked, turning to face him. "What do you want?"
"I just wanted to see how you were doing. So, how are you doing?" he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets. The mournful look on his face was irritating to Rose.
"I'm fine," she said curtly, going back to what she was doing. She didn't ask him how he was. She didn't care.
"How's Oscar?"
"Okay," she said, yanking the pump out and shoving it back into its holder. She whirled to look at him again. "I know you don't actually care. I don't know why you keep trying to talk to me when I've told you I'm no longer interested. I'm sorry your marriage fell apart, but you did that. You led me around by the nose for years, and now that I've had enough, you can't take the rejection. It's over, Mac. Okay? I'm seeing someone else."
"Who?"
"None of your business!" Rose exclaimed. She slammed her gas cap door shut and stormed inside to pay. Thankfully, he didn't follow her. He was standing in the same spot when she came out, though.
"Rose, I just wanna make sure he's a good guy," he tried.
"No," she cut him off. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to know anything about me, and you certainly don't get to play The Protector. I don't need that. Leave me alone, Mac." She got into her car without another word, and he stood there staring at her as she drove away, his hands still in his pockets.
Barney
"What the hell happened, brother?"
Barney looked at Tool from his chair behind his desk and noticed his friend looked stressed and worried. He felt bad for being the one responsible for doing that to him. The mission had gotten out of hand, and shit just kept happening. If he'd been able to call, he would have. He also hadn't tried hard enough to call because he didn't want to tell Tool what happened. He needed to spare him the pain.
"Things didn't go as planned."
"Clearly not. You couldn't pick up the phone? Send a telegraph? Hell, send a pigeon?" Tool demanded.
"I'm sorry."
"I almost told Norah," Tool went on. "That poor girl was in here almost every day anxious as hell."
Barney chewed on the inside of his bottom lip for a moment. He knew it was a bad idea not to tell Norah who they were and what they did. He wasn't really sure why the collective agreement was to not tell her. He guessed they just assumed she wouldn't be around long enough to warrant knowing or that they didn't want to scare her.
"I'll tell her," he offered. He didn't say when. He needed to pick a good time.
"Good. Lord knows she needs answers. I think she has an idea, but I've never confirmed it."
"Tool?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry, brother." Barney met his friend's eyes and saw them soften. Tool nodded slowly.
"I know you are, Barns. I know you are. It's okay, just don't do it again."
Barney held up his whiskey bottle, and Tool nodded again before sitting down across from him. Barney slid him over a glass and poured him a drink. It didn't change what happened, but it was the best peace offering he could give right now.
It also was a way of trying to drown out all those screams echoing in his mind.
Toll
Victoria had almost broken his ribs with the hug she gave him after he walked through the door. She didn't ask what happened, and he didn't offer anything. He didn't want to share the horror he'd witnessed. It was bad enough it was there for him to see every time he closed his eyes. He gritted his teeth from the pain.
"How are you?" she asked, holding his arms afterwards and looking at him seriously.
"Tired," he answered truthfully.
"That was a long one."
"It was."
"Did you do okay?"
Toll shrugged, not even sure how to answer that. He didn't really even know what to say if he did know how to answer it. They'd gotten their target in the end, but it had taken a lot longer than usual. They had a side mission along the way that probably traumatized them all more so than they already were. End of story. He just stood there looking at his sister, and she gave a wry smile.
"I get it," she said. She reached to squeeze his shoulder tightly. "I'm glad you're home."
"Me too."
"I hope you don't mind that I'm going out with Gunner tonight."
"It's fine."
Toll still felt unsure about this relationship, but he had learned a long time ago (and again recently) that he couldn't bloody well tell his sister what to do with her life. It had been part of the pain of losing her to drugs and alcohol.
Victoria squeezed his shoulder again before going back to finish prepping for dinner. Toll wasn't even hungry, but he knew he had to eat. He went to the other room and pulled out his phone, dialing quickly.
"Hi, Dr. Sanchez," he said. "I'm sorry it's after hours, but I really need an appointment as soon as you can give me one."
Caesar
He felt so exhausted. Every minute away from his family had felt like an eternity, and he feared he'd traumatized his children with possible abandonment issues. He'd never been that long gone before, and he knew Char was going to practically fillet him alive when he stepped through that door. He stood outside for a moment, waiting and wondering what was on the other side. Missing his family took over all other feelings in the end, even the memories of the mission he'd just completed, which had given him nightmares and still was and would for a long time, and he pushed open the door.
"Papa Bear is home!" he called.
"DADDY!" Sasha screeched, flying down the hall towards him. She nearly knocked him over (that's how tired he was) and clung to him hard, her nails digging into his skin.
"Hi, baby," he said, lifting her up into a tight hug. He breathed her in, all of it. The innocence. The sweetness. How could anyone want to hurt a child? He would never understand it.
Will came around the corner next, looking both relieved and angry.
"Hey, buddy," Caesar said.
"Where were you?" Will asked, his tone accusing.
"Somewhere I didn't want to be," Caesar answered. Char came next, and seeing her made his heart ache. She didn't say anything as she hugged him tightly, Sasha getting squished between them. It made her giggle with happiness. Will still didn't come over, but Caesar didn't say anything. He didn't want to push Will further away.
He also wanted the sound of his daughter's giggling to erase every scream he'd heard from his mind.
Yang
It was quiet in his apartment. The neighbors weren't yelling at each other for once. Yang wanted to smack the husband for treating his wife so terribly. Didn't he realize that one day she could be gone and he'd be left with a gaping hole inside of him forever and ever? It took a lot to not go over there and intervene, but he knew it wouldn't do any good. If she wasn't ready to leave, she'd stay and take the heat from him trying to help. He vowed that when she was ready to leave, he'd help her every step of the way.
He sat there in the darkness and listened to his clock ticking. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to sleep. He didn't want to talk. He was alone with his thoughts, and they were drowning him. Not all of them were about his wife either. They were on the horrors of what they'd witnessed a few weeks earlier.
The lighter flicked on in his fingers, and he watched the flame burn in the dark. Then he clicked it off, and his eyes adjusted to the duskiness again. This was his life. Silence. Darkness. Alone.
He got to his feet, suddenly needing to talk to someone, and he knew exactly who he was going to see as he grabbed his jacket from its hook and walked outside into the evening air.
Gunner
Seeing Victoria was like getting a gulp of fresh air. It took his mind away from thinking about the mission they'd just finished. Stumbling upon those kids had been unexpected and had delayed their mission, but none of them was about to walk away from it with a blind eye. He was glad they didn't, even if it meant they walked around like zombies for a while afterwards. Gunner wasn't sure how Lee and Toll were coping since they were the ones who had it a bit worse.
She was wearing a red tank top and dark jeans, and she looked gorgeous. She sat across from him at the table and flagged the waitress to bring her a coffee. This was one of Gunner's favorite diners, and it was relatively quiet in that moment, which he was grateful for.
"You guys had a hell of a job, eh?" she asked. He looked at her. She didn't know. If she knew, she'd have said something direct about it. Toll had spared her, so he would too.
"Yea," he answered. He fidgeted with his fingers. He could hear Norah's voice telling him to share what was on his mind about his past, that it would be okay. Looking at Victoria now, he just knew it would be okay to tell her.
"You look like something is bothering you, Gun," she noted, reading his mind.
"Something is." Lots of things, but only one he was contemplating tell her about.
"Do you want to share?"
"I don't know," he answered honestly. She tilted her head, looking at him.
"What's holding you back?"
"I'm scared of what you'll think of me."
"Gunner, you're an addict just like me. I doubt there is anything you could tell me that would shock me. We all turn to drugs for some reason, and it's mostly because of pain, so if you're trying to share your pain with me, then please know you can. I won't hate you or think any less of you."
He fidgeted a bit more until she reached to rest her warm hand over top of his, and he suddenly felt calm. He met her eyes, and he knew he could trust her. It was now or never.
"Okay," he said, clearing his throat. "Well, this is hard to talk about, but it was recently brought to my attention that I can share this and not look like I'm batshit crazy."
"You can always tell me anything, Gunner," Victoria said, squeezing his fingers with hers. "Go ahead."
Gunner nodded slowly before taking a deep breath.
And then he told her everything.
Lee
She had been in his room. He'd known it the first time he came home, not that she'd exactly been subtle about it. There were small white sticks littered on his dresser and on the floor, which made him frown. He had no idea what they were from. His blinds were open, which he always kept them shut. The sight of her lacy underwear on his dresser threw him for a head spin, but he didn't say anything to her about it. He knew she was angry at him and rightly so. None of the Expendables had known that last mission would take so long, but they could have tried harder to get word back to home base. Lee was pretty sure Barney just didn't want to tell Tool what had happened to spare him the trauma. It kept turning into pieces of a mission put together to form a larger mission. Now that it was over, Lee hoped they would have a bit of a break before going out again. He needed to ground himself for a bit. He needed time to get the sound of screaming children out of his mind, the feeling of the lifeless body in his arms to go away.
Now, he watched Norah cooking a late night dinner in his kitchen and wondered where the hell to go from here. He'd watched her pocket her underpants after spying them on the counter where he'd set them. She didn't say anything to him about it either or that she'd taken over his room in his absence. After five minutes, she set down a plate in front of him before sitting across from him in her usual spot. Rupert was in his usual spot underneath the table, his tail thumping against the floor in anticipation, and licking his jowls hungrily. Lee wondered what Norah was thinking. He wasn't a very good mind reader.
"How's your sister?" he asked after a while, unable to stand the silence any longer.
"She's okay."
"Doing a bit better?"
"I think so. She's still dating Winston, so that's a good sign."
"Good."
Silence again. Lee wished he could think of something else to say. Anything. Why was he so tongue tied? Norah finished eating and moved to tidy up. He watched her. After not seeing her for two months, he was taking her all in. He was surprised at how much he wanted her to be around. Before she came, he never thought he'd want a roommate. Now, he couldn't picture his house without her in it.
"I'm going to head to bed," she said after a moment. She was facing him, one hand on her hip.
"Norah," Lee said, getting to his feet as she headed for the basement door. She faltered, turning to see him standing in front of her.
"Yea?"
"Are we good?" he asked.
"I'm a bit pissed at you, but we're good," she answered.
"I really am sorry."
"Did you save some people?"
Flashes of the mission went through his mind.
"Yea..."
"Then it was all worth it," she interrupted. "Good night." Lee just gave a nod, and she was gone.
But not all of them, he thought, finishing his sentence. He ground his jaw as the emotion came up hard again. He swallowed and turned to go to his room. It was gonna be a long night.
Tool & Yang
Tool looked up when Yang sauntered out to sit in the lawn chair next to him. Smoke was in the air from Tool's pipe. Neither of them said anything, but Tool knew if he was patient enough, Yang would talk first.
He wasn't disappointed.
"I lost my wife," Yang started. "Drunk driver."
"Shit," Tool said when Yang offered nothing else. "I'm sorry to hear that, brother."
"She was pregnant," Yang said, his voice barely audible.
"That's a lot of pain," Tool commented. Yang nodded, and he exhaled slowly. He'd debated sharing this with anyone else, but it was eating him alive. He felt it was time to share the pain.
"Sometimes, I feel like I'm suffocating," he said.
"How do you breathe again?" Tool asked.
"That's the thing," Yang answered, looking at him finally. "I don't know."
"Well, I'm glad you can, however you manage to do it." They were quiet for a while, and Tool thought he was done talking, but he surprised him.
"Your turn," Yang said meaningfully. Tool nodded slowly. It was only fair.
"My daughter disowned me. I have a grandson I barely know, and the only woman I ever loved died from cancer," Tool said carefully.
"Shit," Yang said, echoing him from earlier.
"Yea, it's major shit," Tool agreed.
"Think they can see us?"
"I do."
Yang gave a half-hearted smile before leaning back in his chair. He sighed. Tool waited for more, but nothing else came. He shouldn't have expected more. This was Yang after all.
They sat there looking at the stars, content in knowing their pain was now being shared with someone else.
Norah
Shouting woke her up around two in the morning. Slightly disoriented, she flailed about until she fell out of bed and picked herself up from the floor. She hurried upstairs, nearly stepping on Sassy as she went. The yowl of protest echoed in the stairwell as she flung open the door and rushed towards Lee's room where he was still shouting. She grabbed a knife from the kitchen block along the way, thinking someone was trying to murder him and he might need a weapon. She got chills thinking she might have to be the one to defend him.
She looked into his room and saw him alone in bed. He was thrashing, in the midst of a nightmare. She felt foolish and set the knife down before moving over to him. She knew he had nightmares. She'd done this before. Rupert was on the floor whining, unsure of what to do in order to comfort his master. Norah cursed herself for not coming up here sooner to help prevent this. It's what they did for each other after all.
"Lee," she said, landing on her knees next to him and shaking his shoulders. "Wake up!" Faster than lightning, he bolted upright and had a hand around her throat and his other around her right wrist, holding it high in the air. She choked, barely able to squeak or make any sound. The fear inside that he was going to kill her was immense. She used her left hand to pry at his fingers around her neck.
"It's me," she gasped after getting his fingers loose enough to let air in. Instantly, he let go. She pressed both hands against her throat, her heart pounding.
"Shit," he said. "Norah...shit, I'm sorry."
She was already pulling away from him, needing to get out of his reach. She could hear him coming after her.
"Norah!"
He had been going to kill her just now. If she hadn't loosened his grip...
"Norah, stop. Please!"
She ran outside, not even wanting to be in the same house as him. She'd forgotten her car keys, though. That wasn't good. She spun around in circles, left to right and right to left, wondering where she could even go at this time of night.
She screamed when Lee grabbed her arms.
"It's me," he said.
"Let go of me!" she shouted, trying to pull away from him. He held her fast and moved to grip her face with a hand next.
"Norah," he said strongly. "I thought you were someone attacking me. I didn't know it was you."
"That doesn't make me feel better," she said, feeling like crying. She was shaken up and having a hard time not remembering how it felt to be choked by him. She noticed the flood light was on, illuminating his face in front of hers.
"I'm sorry I scared you," he continued. "I should have warned you to never try and wake me up. It...it's a reflex." Norah could see in his eyes that he was extremely sorry. She knew he used to be SAS, that he'd seen things and done things and would always be prepared for someone attacking him. She remembered the time he'd twisted her and pushed her into the counter when she'd jabbed him unexpectedly. He was always on alert. She knew this. She felt herself slowly start to relax. He hadn't intentionally hurt her. He'd been out of it. He wouldn't have if he'd been awake.
"I thought you were going to kill me," she whispered. "I...I couldn't breathe..." She felt his fingers gently touch her neck before sliding to grip her shoulders, and she shivered.
"I don't know how to make this better," he said quietly.
"Just...hold me," she said. She let him pull her close because despite her anxiety of what he'd done, he was the one who helped her feel better about everything, and she eventually wrapped her arms around his waist tightly.
"I'm sorry," he kept saying. "I'm so sorry."
Norah wasn't sure how long they stood embraced out in the driveway, but she was no longer feeling scared of him. Strangely enough, his embrace was making her feel safe.
"You were shouting," she said, muffled against his shoulder. "That's why I woke you." She felt him stiffen slightly, and she wondered if he was afraid she was going to ask him why. She wasn't sure if she wanted to know why.
"I'm sorry I woke you with it," he said eventually. She felt his voice vibrate against her as he spoke. She could feel his heart beating just under her chin.
"I thought you were getting attacked," she said honestly.
"I think I just proved I don't get snuck up on easily," he chuckled.
"It's too early to joke about that," she warned.
"Sorry."
She reluctantly ended the embrace because she was suddenly so tired she couldn't keep her eyes open. To her surprise, Lee slipped his fingers through hers, holding her hand as they walked back to the house. His palm against hers was warm and strong. Once inside, she hesitated at the top of the stairs. Maybe she didn't know the content of his nightmares, but she knew how much she hated experiencing hers. She knew that when together, they didn't nightmare as often.
"Do you want to come down?" she asked. She studied his face, noticed his hesitation. "It's okay if you don't."
"I'd rather stay up here," he answered after a moment. She felt a surprisingly big amount of disappointment at this, but she wasn't going to argue. She just nodded and went to go down alone when she noticed he still had her hand in his and was pulling her back towards him.
"I wouldn't mind company," he told her. "Something to hang onto..." She felt her heart flutter, a huge difference from the fear it had felt earlier. He was rubbing his thumb against her palm in slow circles. She really quite liked it.
"Okay," she agreed. She felt anticipation as she walked behind him back to his bedroom. She'd spent a lot of nights in there since he'd been gone anyway. It was familiar to her. His smell was everywhere, which had been the biggest comfort then and was again now. Once they got settled, Norah curled onto her right side and rested her head on his shoulder. He was still holding her hand. They didn't say anything. They didn't have to. She felt him slowly fall asleep on his back, his fingers gradually stopping their circular rubbing against hers and her palm. Her last thought was about whether or not they'd talk about this in the morning. She doubted they would. This was their unique thing they did for each other. It was platonic.
Why, then, wouldn't her heart stop beating so hard and fast? And why couldn't she stop imagining him kissing her?
Barney & Tool
He couldn't sleep. He watched the smoke from his cigar waft away in the air, curling slightly. He barely heard Tool join him. It was two thirty in the morning, and Tool knew his friend was letting his insomnia get the best of him tonight. Hell, it was getting to him too.
"They say talking about it helps," Tool commented after a while. Barney gave a snort.
"You a therapist now?"
"Unconventionally."
Barney gave another snort. He suddenly pictured Tool sitting in a chair with crossed legs, his pipe hanging from his mouth, and suggesting that what Barney was saying was Freudian Slips.
"I imagine myself as more of a Carl Jung than Freud," Tool said, reading his mind and smirking. "Come on, spill."
"What is there to say?"
"You haven't told me anything about what happened. That worries me, not to mention the vacant stare and the fact you've gone through about five cigars this evening."
"I wanna spare you the pain," Barney reasoned.
"The pain is knowing you're suffering and not letting me in on what's going on," Tool countered. Barney sighed. His friend had a point. He shifted on his feet, procrastinating a bit longer. In the end, he knew he couldn't keep it to himself.
"We walked in on ten kids getting tortured," Barney started. He heard Tool inhale sharply, but he kept quiet, so Barney continued. "It was the worst thing I'd ever seen. They shot this one kid point blank in the head. He was nine."
"Oh my God," Tool said, his voice tight with emotion.
"It wasn't part of the plan, but we knew we couldn't just let it happen. We intervened. We lost two more kids on the way out. Stray bullets. One of them died in Lee's arms. He was six."
Tool made a sound of agony in his throat but didn't say anything.
"The other one was hanging onto Toll when a sniper took her down," Barney finished. "She was twelve." He'd found out all of their ages. He hadn't been able to help himself. Without his team's knowledge, he'd gone to the three families who'd lost a child and sat with them for hours, listening to their stories about their child. The hardest part was having them thank him for trying to save them. Barney knew he didn't deserve their thanks. He'd failed them. He should have done better. He couldn't understand why they didn't hate him. He never would.
"Please tell me you skinned alive every single bastard who was involved," Tool growled.
"No one was left standing by the time we were finished," Barney confirmed. "We took the remaining kids home and continued on our mission."
"But you still see and hear the ones you lost every second of every minute, don't you?" Tool asked.
"You bet."
"The guys?"
"I imagine they're coping in their own way."
"Not great after what they just went through last time."
"Don't I know it." Barney finished his cigar and cleared his throat roughly. He was tired, but he couldn't sleep.
"You did the best you could," Tool reasoned after a while.
"I could have done better," Barney said, turning to go back inside. He didn't want to talk anymore. Tool didn't stop him. He wondered why Yang hadn't shared any of this earlier, but he knew Yang was a man of few words to begin with. Him sharing about his wife and child had been a lot. Talking about this would have been too much.
Tool went to get something to drink. He thoroughly needed it after hearing all of that. It was now tucked away with all of his other traumas. They swirled around together in his mind until he finally blacked out.