Ch19: Illya's Confliction

"Are you admitting that you did something to his head? Just like dear onii…," is the accusation I couldn't finish.

Tears.

Even though my little sister's gaze was unwavering, tears stream down her face. Tears she doesn't even notice. Tears that couldn't have been faked. I hated it. Those tears are wiped away and it was then I realize it was my hand that was wiping them. I stare at my damp fingers.

"Illya.."

I remember his face. Black hair and unkempt stubble. That man who was my father. That man who always cheated at games. That man who couldn't keep the simplest of promises. That man who was always on the verge of tears. That man who didn't come back.

The wetness of my hands was no illusion. I didn't want to believe, but the truth was in front of me. Living the life that I was denied, was that small share of happiness such a cheap, fragile thing? Was the family I was denied ultimately something worthless?

How stupid. How stupid.

"Are you crying?" is what I was finally able to ask with such a harsh tone that it surprised even me. It wasn't something I needed to confirm, but I was compelled to ask anyway.

Maybe I wanted to hear screams. Maybe I wanted to see blood. Maybe I wanted to see tears, but not tears like these. I was angry, but I could not bring myself to hate her which made me even angrier because I didn't know who or what I was angry at.

I wanted to slap the melancholy out of her, but I missed my chance. Before I could even blink, a sand cloud is kicked up, Berserker appears in front of me as Saber had pulled my little sister away from the swings; away from me. Was my hostility so obvious or was it a warrior's intuition?

My guardian stares down at hers. Saber could only stare up at my Heracles because she was barely taller than me. Primal eyes meet regal ones. Even though the little knight was descended from dragons, my guardian was descended from gods. Dragons were nothing; at most, a minor inconvenience when grocery shopping for golden apples if those dreams were to be believed.

"Illyasviel, what did you do to my Master?" is Saber's voice cutting through the distance. A voice so clear, it cuts through my frustration. I calm down and realize how unbecoming I was acting.

Just as my guardian stares down hers, I stare at her and she meets my gaze with that sad face. She hasn't lost anything yet and she makes that face.

Berserker answered my call for the Holy Grail just like your Saber. If I wasn't the Lesser Vessel for the Holy Grail, there would be no meaning for Sella and Leysritt to serve me. The people around us only care about the Holy Grail. Papa was like that too; that was the only reason he married Mama wasn't it? Even though he threw it away like yesterday's trash. That was my entire life, our fates are tied, but you up until now were able to live a life beyond such a petty thing.

Papa has been gone for years for both of us, yet you still have a brother that cares for you, a brother who cares nothing for the Holy Grail. That Makiri girl too. To them, this Holy Grail War has only been a nuisance hasn't it?

For every person that is able to bask in happiness, there are many more who simply can't. Sweet child. I stand on 1000 years of Einzbern sacrifices and yet, you stand over me. Beneath you were all the victims in the last Holy Grail War; all of papa's victims. Standing on that peak, blessed by so many people; a winner like you should at least be as happy as all of us losers combined. That life of yours can't be trash, so why are you already crying? If you're already miserable, what more can I do to you? What am I supposed to be doing? I didn't know the answer. I was frustrated. I was angry. I tried my best to smile when she made that face last time, but getting a closer look at it, it didn't make me happy at all.

"So this talk was a failure…we're leaving Berserker."

I get up from the swings and my guardian dissipates as Saber stays her sword. My little sister based on her answers was completely in the dark about what happened to Sella and Leysritt among other things. If I stayed in the castle like they wanted, could I have stopped that Makiri girl? I thought teasing my supposed little sis would be fun, but I wasn't having any fun at all, though I admit the fish shaped pancakes filled with beans were quite tasty. Sella would have never let me taste any peasant fare. I walk out of the park and that cry baby doesn't chase after me; she even urges Saber not to follow. The minutes pass and all around me are those tall garish rectangular buildings.

If something can be said about that cry baby was that she has only been honest with me; no strings attached which is more that could be said about papa. The Storch Ritter, my wire-frame birds I used to monitor the park return to me. I grasp at the strands tightly as they are unmade, I inhale and exhale, trying to process what I should be doing. I came to this country to participate in the Holy Grail War. To inflict retribution on the father that wronged the Einzbern family, the father that left me behind, but that father wasn't here anymore. So all I could do was vent out on the kids he left behind.

I realized then, that the person I was angry with was myself.

We walk down the empty streets of her neighborhood with our Servants in tow as the sun sets. While Berserker was in spiritual form, Archer was wearing a casual dress shirt with paper grocery bags in his arms. Even if the Holy Grail War is going on, there's no excuse for not having decent meals. I even got to try some strange salty pancakes with shrimp for lunch as Archer was shopping. Still, the currency in this country; someone really loves needlessly big numbers don't they? What're they compensating for? The only thing those big numbers accomplish is causing stingy people like Rin to groan. She made too big of a deal of me for not carrying any money. Honestly, she makes too big a deal about everything.

"So, I'm guessing you won't stop trying to harass your siblings any time soon is it?" is what Tohsaka asks of me once again just as my mood had improved.

"I just wanted to confirm your little sister's relation to mine this time," I say in a cheery tone.

Rin was frustrated and that was the cue for that annoying thing buzzing around us.

"So, is this an older sister's jealousy perhaps?…," is what the defective wand says trying to get a rise out of Rin.

Rin simply exhales. I thought she would be angrier, but it seems she had grown accustomed to things not going her way and accepted that fact.

"Did you actually try to pawn off Ruby?" is what Rin asks straight to the point.

"You were serious?" is what that wand inquires.

"This stick even with the second magic wouldn't help me hurt my little sister anyways."

"True, true. I'm an ally to all young girls, wait, what is this about hurting…..," is the obvious lie the stick makes, but we pay no heed to it.

"Well, if that Miyu was contracted with Ruby, it'd be harder for her to kill us," is Rin's perfectly valid point.

"Wait, this is that barbaric Holy Grail War isn't it? And the old coot said I was his worst mistake," is the stick's offhand comment about the Wizard Marshall. Well, even if you were created by the Wizard Marshall, you're completely useless as a weapon and we're stuck with you aren't we?

"I don't like that expression of yours," is what it says to me.

I grab the fluttering thing with both my hands and shoot it a smile. I ask it a question.

"Was there anything in my little sister you found lacking?"

"Twin tails," are the words it drops without hesitation trying to garner Rin's frustration. A small rise from that attempt, but no outburst. Though, I had to agree that Rin was too old to wear her hair the way she does.

"Hey, if that's the case, can you tell me why you chose to stick around me and not her?" was simply my curiosity.

"She doesn't seem as fun to tease, though Sapphire would beg to differ," is the stick's answer that shouldn't have surprised me.

I've confirmed it once again. My whole life is a joke, yet my mood now is better than it was before.

"Are you smiling?" is what Rin asks me.

"When nothing goes your way, you just learn how to smile at every little thing," is my advice as a proper adult. Not just accepting things with a sigh, but to smile through it. Grasp whatever small victory, whatever small happiness you can even if others say it's unsightly. My thoughts drift to that cry baby once again. That's the way it should be lil sis, yet today you denied me even that didn't you?

"Hold up," is Archer's sudden warning. I could only sigh.

Nothing goes our way, so I wasn't surprised when Archer drew our attention to a figure in the distance situated on top of a building. Someone was watching us. Well, two Masters and two Servants walking together in broad daylight, it wouldn't be strange if we drew attention from the other contestants. I wasn't Archer's Master, so I couldn't see through his eyes.

"Sakura," is what Rin utters under her breath.

"Master, your orders," is what Archer asks of Rin.

Sakura was it? The face of that rude girl surfaces in my mind once again. That ribbon of hers too. That cry baby of a little sister doesn't know it yet, but I met that insufferable girl twice already. The first time was when I descended down those stairs. The second time was when she attacked my castle. To threaten me with violence, to attack my castle and take my maids away, that girl certainly was a bad person, so much so that I pity Rin. The seconds pass, but nothing happens.

"If you can shoot her then shoot her, you're an Archer right?"

"Don't order my Servant around," was Rin's distressed outburst.

"A true magical girl shouldn't say such brutish things," was Ruby's.

"She's no longer in my sight," is the bit of bad news Archer delivers.

Rin grips the jeweled dagger in her pocket tightly. The shadows her little sister possessed were formidable, the natural enemy of spiritual entities, but that was why Rin sought out the gem sword even if it meant dealing with Ruby; something that could gather copious amounts of mana from other worlds. There aren't many problems that can't be solved with an unrelenting torrent of pure mana. It's the same logic that the Einzbern Grail ultimately boils down to albeit on a much grander scale.

Whatever Noble Phantasms that Sakura girl could leisurely throw around, I had seen first hand how the Archer Rin had luckily drawn could counter them. He was also a better cook than my maids. Despite all her grumbling, Rin has quite the luck doesn't she? Right now, Rin actually has a decent match up against her little sister. If I know that, then that Sakura girl certainly knows that, which is why she's keeping her distance especially in Rin's territory.

Still, I thought the Makiri were supposed to be known for their familiars. If she's scouting us with her own two eyes instead of her shadows, what sort of magus is that Makiri girl? The magi in this city are certainly unconventional to say the least. That explains why Rin is the Second Owner; she's the most average one of all those I have seen in this city despite being so soft hearted.

We enter the grounds of the Tohsaka manor and we go inside. On a second look, the defenses do look quite lavish which doesn't suit my image of Rin at all.

Omelette rice seems like a simple dish, but I still can't wrap my head around how he shaped the eggs even though I watched him do it. Simple things are deceptively simple. The melding of sour, sweet and salty. Despite the raging flames of the stove, nothing was burned and nothing was overcooked. Not the eggs or the dark meat of the chicken. Nothing was wet, yet nothing was dry. Even though lunch was tasty, dinner was on another level. As I look at Rin from across the table, she was probably regretting lunch right now. If Archer could cook at this level, then going out to eat was a waste. Having no need for food, but is able to cook, those are quite the attributes for a Servant. Archer's bathing in the moon right now, keeping lookout on the roof as we eat. As the last bites are taken, Rin's mood must've changed for the better.

Throughout our partnership, Rin did nothing but admonish me. If her mood is good right now, then there was a lower chance of her getting defensive if I ask her something.

"Why do you seek the Holy Grail? You're not going to wish for something like money are you?"

"I'm a Tohsaka, that's reason enough. Isn't it the same for you Einzbern?" is the response that suggested to me that she had no wish in mind. I was a bit peeved.

"I can't accept such a boring answer," I declare with my finger outstretched.

"She's being dishonest, she really is going to wish for money if she gets her hands on th.," is what Ruby chimes in before being slammed into the dining table.

"My father fought and died in the last Holy Grail War just as your father, the Magus Killer fought. In fact, there's a good chance that my father is dead because of yours," was that poison that left Tohsaka's mouth that parried my finger pointing.

Obligation to her family. To honor those that came before. Such are things that typical magi adhere to, but despite being the most conventional magus in this city, I couldn't imagine her as one those types. In my case, I never had a choice. I was made into a Lesser Grail Vessel while I was still developing in the womb. As such, my magical potential dwarfs any human, but nice things always come with a cost. Which makes my lil sis a cheater. Even when papa was still around, growing up was never an option for me. When papa was gone and when I was tuned even further; it was then that the prospect of any future at all disappeared.

I fight in the Holy Grail War because there is no where else for me to be and nowhere to return to; unlike that cry baby. That fact doesn't change even with Berserker at my side.

With or without this Holy Grail War, Rin's future is bright. With that jeweled sword that Archer recreated in her pocket, she has already benefited more from this Holy Grail War than any supposed "winner" of rituals past. Whatever she was seeking, it was obvious it wasn't worth the life of her own little sister judging from her hesitation from earlier. In many ways, Rin is the same as my lil sis. Her father chose her over that "Sakura" to succeed him. Even if I can't forgive that Makiri girl, that girl is the same as me; something tossed aside by our own fathers. Fathers like that are typical for magi, yet...

"Is your father's honor really worth spilling blood for? You're the only proper Tohsaka left aren't you?"

"Is your father's dishonor really worth spilling blood for? There's only one of you in this world," is Tohsaka's comeback.

"Only one of me in this world?" was something I desperately wished to be true. The other homunculi had always assured me that I was special and that I was the last hope of the Einzbern, yet coming here to this land, it all seems like a lie. I was the Lesser Grail Vessel, but so was that Makiri girl. Even if the Einzbern could not create another me, they could always recycle my corpse just like what that old Zolgen had done to my mother's. Magi will always find a way to accomplish their goals even if it's unsightly.

"The world is just another word for the things you value and it starts and ends with you. There must be things you alone value, otherwise you wouldn't be as outspoken as you are and I can't possibly imagine another you in this world at least," was Rin's attempt at scorning me or encouraging me?

"Is there a reason why you're being so nice to me?"

Well as nice as Rin could be. She offered me a place to stay and all I have done that is of note up to this point is harass those siblings of mine.

"I-it's not like that. I mean, having the greatest Hero of Greek mythology as an ally and not an enemy is just reassuring so putting up with you is no cost at all in the long run," is Rin's half truth.

"I'm sure my siblings or your sister would have made a more reliable ally," is the truth I couldn't help but admit at this point. Any typical magus would have sold me out already.

"You can thank Archer for that. Despite how he is, heroes are heroes. Someone who abandons women and children can't be called a hero can they?" is Rin's defense.

"So Archer was similar to my Berserker in that respect. Really now, Archer's kids must have been the luckiest kids of their era," I say as I finish up what was left on my plate. Still tasty.

I know for a fact that the children Heracles had couldn't have been called lucky. That was one of the reasons why he was so protective of me. What does Berserker see when he shields me? What does Archer see in me?

"Archer didn't have any kids," is a truth Rin hesitantly divulges.

My spoon stops. It was a truth I couldn't fathom.

"Are you serious?"

"Always saving people. Always helping people. Always fighting. No lover. No family. Despite the way he talks, I drew quite the idiot didn't I?" is Rin's self derision.

Someone like that had no one to truly mourn for him and we asked someone like that to act as lookout. Even after knowing something like that, I still couldn't pinpoint that hero's identity. This world doesn't surprise me anymore.

At the very least, I wasn't angry at myself anymore.