Chapter 42: Shirou's Sanctuary of Retreat

Sprouting from Miyu's back was Saber's sword which has lost its luster.

I was about to vault over the edge of the roof, but I'm pulled back by the collar and my back is met with Archer's boot. I couldn't see anything except concrete, but my body refuses to stay still, but his boot doesn't budge. His boot doesn't budge at all.

"Let go!" I scream and I yell, but it falls of deaf ears.

Archer notches an arrow.

"Hrunting," he releases.

"T-trace.."

I switch on my circuits, but nothing fires; I was completely spent. If I hadn't used my Reality Marble, maybe I would have some to spare, but Archer wasn't even allowing oxygen into my lungs as water leaks from my eyes. I wish for Archer to disappear, but that was overly optimistic.

The weight on my back was gone and I don't think too hard on it.

"O-on."

I fire my circuits once again just enough for a spark. A spark was all that was needed to slash at the familiar that was watching me. I rush to the edge and let gravity take me. As I'm met with fast approaching concrete, I realized I wasn't thinking at all and frantically grab the side of the building with my left arm only for it to make a nasty sound.

"Geh..."

Something was clearly dislocated...

"Geh.."

I wake from a shooting pain in my shoulder and as I grasp it with my right hand, I feel the fibres on my fingers. I realize these weren't proper bandages, but strips of bath towel. I could not tell the time or place, but I notice the warmth beside me.

"Sakura?"

Underneath the blanket, her chest rises and falls reassuring me that she was still breathing. Her hair had returned to its familiar hue. I stroke her worn ribbon. I reach out for her neck to double check her pulse, but her hand clasps mine as she holds it to her cheek as she continued to sleep.

I was a complete loss at what was happening.

Looking over the room, this place wasn't home, but I should have gotten used to such a thing by now. The walls were mirrors and we were surrounded by our own reflections. The cogs in my mind weren't turning. My cell phone didn't survive so I had to I scan the room and settle on the digital clock on the wall.

00:00

Next to the bed was a drawer. I quickly slide out the contents and quickly slam the drawer shut. I realize this place wasn't a normal hotel, but of course normal hotels could not be booked on such short notice. Hourly intervals or an overnight stay arranged behind anonymous screens with no questions asked; this place was lodging of that sort. This was probably the smart choice to avoid dragging in ordinary people as magi were universally seedy in one way or the other. Was Sakura familiar with places like these? I would have shuddered at that idea, but there was something more important at the forefront of my mind as my senses direct me to the bathroom door.

"So you haven't restored your mana yet?" was Saber's voice coming from the bathroom in a clinical manner.

I load the gun in my head as soon as I see the enemy in her black nightgown.

"Trace...," but my spell fizzles.

"You should know that the reserves you relied on and the reserves I relied on aren't available anymore," was Saber's admittance to her crime.

"Then..."

I clench my fist as she draws her unholy blade to the cusp of my throat.

"Sakura wasn't quite awake when everything went down and you'll only manage to hurt her if you tell her of what you saw. Besides, right now, who else would you draw your blade for?" was what the tyrant taunts me with.

My heart told me to cut her down, but my mind told me I would be the one cut down instead.

This wasn't the Saber I had gotten to know over the past week, but the ghost I had cut down all those years ago. Flaxen hair without the shine of gold and eyes no different from a mask, my enemy was a beautiful shell that was a mere mockery of who Saber could be, but Saber was ultimately a stranger. I knew her true identity to be King Arthur from the tainted Excalibur in her hands, but that very revelation was a testament to her skills in deception. Her chivalry and her kindness may have been nothing but a farce to skirt around the Command Seals to get Miyu to lower her guard. I was always suspicious about the deterrence the Command Seals provided compared to what the Class Cards offered. I shouldn't have been swept away by my little sister's pace. I shouldn't have let myself be captured. All Heroic Spirits ultimately seek the Holy Grail and Saber was no exception, getting rid of anything in her way to reach that end. Despite knowing all that, I could not control my feelings.

"My sister trusted you!" is my outburst that causes Sakura to wake.

"S-senpai?" she whispers as she absorbs the gravity of the situation.

The dark knight retracts her sword and casually walks closer, paying no heed to the animosity. She checks my shoulder injury in the same way she would for an unruly horse in a stable. In this moment, I hated her more than Shinji.

"Unfortunately, this crude treatment is all that can be administered at this time. Other than that, you're a perfectly healthy male, so recover quickly so we may obtain the Holy Grail," the tyrant says with complete disregard to my feelings.

It was always about the Holy Grail in this world and the last. In the end, the Holy Grail did nothing but trade one life for another. I glare at her, pulling on reserves that aren't there, but...

"..."

She extends her hand as if making a deal.

"You've obtained such a thing once before haven't you? You know firsthand of its power. This world was something you wished for wasn't it? If this world did not turn out the way you wanted, your path should be obvious. Reclaim the Holy Grail and take back the past with me," is Saber's ultimatum.

Sakura doesn't say anything. She simply gathers her resolve and meets the tyrant's eyes.

"Where's Miyu?" was what Sakura asks. That should have been the only thing that mattered, but I was too cowardly to ask even myself because the answer could break me.

The longest second passes by.

"Alive. She still has Avalon's protection even after voiding all her contracts. As long as I draw breath, she cannot die. That much I swear on my honour as a knight," is the loaded answer Saber gives.

Avalon must have been the treasure Kiritsugu had carried on that fateful day when we came into this world; the pinnacle of holy relics. Was such a thing enough to save someone from Excalibur's fatal blow? Were her treasonous actions a calculated risk to protect Miyu? It was all nonsense, yet I wanted to believe in her answer more than anything else. What I saw was no illusion, but if I took her words as a lie, then that would spell the end of me.

"Then why did you...," was the loaded question that wasn't able to leave my lips, but it was something I couldn't let Saber brush aside.

"Miyu is not a Master or a proper magus and is powerless without Class Cards. By now, it should be self evident to every other Master and Servant that she is but a harmless child. The Tohsaka and Einzbern are not monsters, which should be something you can personally attest," was the explanation from Saber that holds no water.

My instincts were screaming that she was lying and these were nothing but excuses, but her chilling gaze was telling me that her own logic was all that mattered to her.

"You must understand that I wish to obtain the Holy Grail and in front of the other Servants who want the same thing, my Master would inevitably face danger. That was something your father Kiritsugu accepted when he summoned me 10 years ago. Miyu summoned me by mistake and wants nothing of the Grail, so cutting off that liability completely in front of everyone was the optimal way to protect her. I didn't betray anyone," was what only masqueraded as logic.

Didn't betray anyone? I guess it isn't betrayal if she was never on our side in the first place. The tyrant turns away as if she said everything she needed to placate us.

"Where's Rider?" I ask.

"Dead, so Sakura is no longer a Master either, but considering the properties of her shadows have on Servants like me, and the damage she has caused so far, she won't be left off as easily," is all Saber says without bothering to face us.

"I'll leave you two to your devices," were her parting words as she sinks through the floor.

"Wait..," but my words reach no one. I clench my fist tightly as the nails on my fingers draw blood from my palm.

Sakura winces as she examines the back of her hand. If none of us were Masters, then why were we even fighting? Saber was saying whatever she wanted, but we were in no position to challenge her as we were right now. She simply expected us to go along with what she wanted as accomplices, but after everything Sakura had done in this city, something like a Sealing Designation would be expected.

Sakura stares at me. She desperately clasps my hand tightly afraid of ever letting go. I brush off the stray locks that were blocking her eyes and peer into them seeing no malice or arrogance.

"What happened to Saber?" I ask her.

"My head was fuzzy back then, I didn't know what I was doing, but...but...I know I'm the one at fault," as she claims to be guilty with a tragic smile I didn't want to see. That smile...

"Senpai?"

The same tragic smile as back then in the world I once lived in. I could not contain the memories I desperately tried to seal.

"Were you always lying to me!? Was the you in front of me a fake this whole time!?"

I remember how I shouted and condemned her, giving her no chance to explain herself. I remembered how close I was to striking her, but I could do nothing against those tragic eyes. Despite how I acted, the only thing she asked of me back then...

"If you want to rescue Miyu, then win the Holy Grail War. Although your chances are slim, with this card, it may be possible. But, there's one thing, if it's possible, if it can be granted, please run away instead."

In that world, I refused it. I chose to be Miyu's older brother over Sakura's plea.

"You didn't choose me, but I love you, so I'll protect you."

I signed her death warrant when I made my choice. Back then, it was no different than killing her with my own hands and right now I was...

"S-shirou?" Sakura calls me by my name while trembling. She rarely calls me by name. I didn't know what expression I was making, but I must have been scaring her.

Sakura was Sakura and that should have been the end of it. Rider was gone and the Gilgamesh Card was no longer in her possession, so I couldn't abandon her. I couldn't make the same mistake again. Maybe it was a mistake to see the two as the same, but neither were fakes.

Sakura didn't know anything about world I came from and I was scared of telling her anything about it. When it came to Allies of Justice or magi, I didn't want Sakura to have anything to do with them, but I cannot change reality. Sakura was Sakura precisely because she wasn't ordinary and that was the catalyst of our meeting. If she was perfectly ordinary, she would have never gotten involved with the likes of me. Ever since I met her again in this world, I always felt ashamed being with her. I had no right to be with her, yet I was afraid of her rejecting me. She had already confessed her feelings and I only continued to hurt her.

"Sorry."

With that small apology, she pulls me in closer.

"Whether or not Saber is lying to us, the Shirou I love is someone who would never abandon his family as long as his body can move," is what Sakura confesses to me.

The tragic smile from before is still there, but there was nothing but warmth being directed at me. I realize now, even back in the old world, what Sakura offered me wasn't a choice. The Emiya Shirou who would abandon everything to run away with her would not be the Emiya Shirou she loves.

"If we want to save Miyu from those people, to go back to those days, then you need to use everything at your disposal. I'm sorry for restraining you, I'm sorry I tried to do everything on my own, I'm sorry for ruining everything you built up, but without Rider, without the Card, my mana is the only thing of value I can give you," were her words that cornered me.

"That's...you're..."

I wanted to tell her that she was more than that. I wanted to tell her how important she was to me, but any words I could think of would only feel hollow in the gravity of the situation. I knew all too well what it meant to ruin everything for everyone else. Seeing how distressed I was, she pulls my hand against her frail neck. The confidence she had borrowed up until now wasn't there anymore, but she was all the stronger for it.

"I have taken much from you already, so it's only natural I give back. I wasn't taught any other way of transferring mana except through...direct contact. Renting this room was my idea, even if you hate it," was what Sakura confesses to me while flustered.

There were plenty of ways to create connections without direct contact. Elaborate blood rituals, special potions, transplanting magic circuits and wish granting powers to name a few, but such things were outside the scope of our meager abilities. I had to reassure her.

"I don't."

Sakura was always my haven of retreat. In front of her, I didn't need to be anyone but "Shirou" and it was the same for her. In front of me, she didn't need to be anyone but "Sakura". She rests her hand on my cheek and pulls me even closer. Sakura never had pretenses about what she wanted. I didn't need any pretense to be anyone else; a magus, an Ally of Justice or a monster who threw the world away.

"Then prove it with a kiss," is the challenge she poses as she invites me to get closer.

Before I could understand what I was doing, I feel the beating of her soft chest against mine reassuring me that she was indeed alive and this was reality. I wanted to tell myself that the cold snowy night in my heart was nothing but a dream. I cover myself in her warmth and she offers no resistance as I claim her lips. The heavy burdens I carried fall away and I could think of nothing else but drowning as my heart beats faster. Her soft gaze tells me everything was fine and that all I needed to do was push forward.

I am the bone of my sword.

Sakura was a sanctuary where I could bury my ugly vulnerable self. She accepts everything of me while I myself couldn't. Even if I could never forgive myself, she would always accept me. That kindness is what condemns me. She offered me no path to escape and she never will as my fingers get tangled in hers. My head blanks as my circuits flare up, but her eyes reassure me. My pain, my disgust, my hatred, my fears and my doubts; she washes them all away. I let the sensation of crashing waves wash over me as I'm carried by the turbulence. I almost forget to breathe as I feel the magical energy overloading my system.

Steel is my body, and fire is my blood.

I must have been like a cold machine to others, rigid in motion, but she embraced me all the same. In the world I threw away, Sakura died for my sake even as I doubted her and yelled at her, but she never gave up on me for a moment. Maybe she thought the things she did were small, but she saved me. She was something sacred I wanted to cherish and in the world I left behind, I could only watch as her blood stained the snow. Her death is the reason why the world inside of me was as cold as it is. In front of me, she could not show any grief or pain. In front of me she was always smiling in order to reassure me everything was "normal" even as she was hurting. She was a convenient existence, so I used her up for my own convenience and I should have been punished for such a thing.

I have created over a thousand blades.

Even if this is a different world, the fact that I abandoned her doesn't change. The Holy Grail can bring forth a new world, but the past can never be taken back. What I said to her back then was unforgiveable. In the back of my head, I knew that the Sakura who died for my sake and the Sakura I held in my arms in this moment were ultimately different people, but my heart betrays me. I betrayed her again and again, but not once did she fault me for anything no matter how clumsy I proved myself to be in the end.

Unaware of beginning,
Nor aware of the end.

I repeated the same mistakes over and over again without stopping. The harder I tried to protect the status quo, the more I lost myself. As long as I swung my swords, I slowly became someone else. The wish of Emiya Shirou naturally clashed with Matou Sakura's, but she accepted the contradiction. I had no right to embrace her. I had no right to touch her. I had no right to call her name. All I did was hurt her. After making my wish on the Holy Grail, it may have been better if I just disappeared. After throwing the world away, I had no right to be anyone's brother, anyone's son or anyone's lover, but she holds onto my hand in hers squeezing it tightly. Our connection was a vexing thing, it suffocated us and our bodies screamed for oxygen. My sense of time has been completely shot. The current of magical energy almost fries my brain as everything numbs, but her hands tell me not to stop.

Withstood pain with inconsistent weapons, my hands will never hold anything.

She gives and gives, while I give her nothing, but in her eyes, my hands were all she needed. Her love was relentless and spat in the face of equivalent exchange. This trajectory we were on, I did not know if it was right or not. We both represented an ideal for each other; even though we both knew the normalcy on the surface was false. Despite all the lies, the smile she wore around our house was genuine. She was someone who could forgive anyone, even a criminal like me who would condemn the world itself. The ugliness of it all and the beauty of it all, objectively they were one and the same. So why did I resist her all this time? Why couldn't I respond to her feelings? Sophistry, trickery, vanity and falsehoods meant nothing in front of a truth so pure. I was approaching my limit.

Yet, my flame never ends.

I no longer knew what I was even doing and I could not make out what she was saying anymore. I could not retreat from this anymore; I was too far gone. This was probably a mistake, but in this moment, none of that mattered. The mistakes I made and the mistakes I continue to make, I'll take responsibility for all of it. Even if I make the world my enemy and even if I come to curse me, Sakura would never betray me so I couldn't dare betray myself.

My whole body was still Unlimited Blade Works.

The uncontrollable magical currents coursing through me give way to a massive flood. The white world inside of me, a world of infinite swords bursts forth. Inside becomes outside through the theory of the world egg. Countless swords scar the serene surface of this world of snow, but these weren't graves. In this endless world for two, there was no sun or moon, but the faint stars were enough to give this world life. It was under the cold snow that I lost her and it is under the snow that I'll embrace her for all of her warmth. With our faces flushed red, I gaze upon the stars reflected through her amethyst eyes.

"To think kisses could be so wonderful," were her words that surprised even herself.