We play people's games

by fvdv123

Old guy's brother went through 4 Potter-verses and ended up in Westeros for his next level. This can be read as a stand-alone if you accept the Skills he brought along. His previous levels were done in: The games people play. As always Cringe and Crack are included. The bloody Game is still in Extreme Hard Mode. Insert/Multi

15. Chapter 15

Mrs. J.K., Mr. M, I stopped trying to be original a few months ago, if you search the web long enough, there is always some poor sob that had the same idea as me. So your puppets and world, and the story on my little space on the web. For free ofc.

Previous

I found myself in a square in Kings Landing while I shouted: "Of with his head!"

15 Fucking Joffrey the First.

I saw a big sword rise in the air, I shouted: "Stop!" The blade stayed in the air, the man wielding it looked at me, with a question in his eyes.

Gathering my wits, I thought fast, I need to defuse this situation or I am in the middle of a fucking war again. Let us try bullshitting. First I cast a silencing spell on… mother. That bitch is my mother… I can't kill mommy. Fuck!

Another idea: Let us try the zealot way, nobody is going to follow this little shit, Mommy has him on a leash, so I have to make him believable.

It is a good thing that we practiced illusions a few months back. First, I made myself glow golden, then thirty feet above me I projected a big Weirwood tree, in front of the tree are the Seven, above the tree, I projected Benny, with a roar the illusion shattered in little glitters that whirled around me. I let the glitters fade when they touched me.

New Title: King of Show-offs

Bite me! The square was dead silent, everyone was looking at me, I pretended to come to my senses, I raised my hands, amplified my voice a bit, and called: "People of Kings Landing! Do you realize what would happen if Lord Stark's head got chopped off? We would have a bloody war again! Kings Landing would get sacked again! Is this what you want? The city just recovered from the last war! I am being guided by the Gods, the Old, and the New to try for peace."

I said to the King's guard: "The small council and the high nobles in the Red Keep need to meet me in the Throne room in twenty minutes, bring Lord Stark along with Sansa." I noticed the pipsqueak Arya in the crowd and tagged her, I'll recover her later.

I approached Ned Stark and whispered: "Play along, the future of your House depends on it, even Sansa's" I gave him a quick heal and looked at mommy: "Not a word mother, the Crone, and the Stranger are interfering."

That will scare the shit out of her. Meanwhile, that crown is shifting back and forth on my head, that thing is two sizes too big. Mr. M. watched Disney's cartoon of Robin Hood too much, I felt like that Prince john… Joffrey? That crown was only staying on my head because of my ears.

With a small gesture, I shrunk the thing a bit.

Xxxxx

In the Throne room, the court assembled. The small council, the Kings guard, and Nobles, along the sides, were the palace guards. Sitting on that Throne, with a cushioning charm, I took a moment to view my stats and Quest:

Name: Joffrey (Baratheon - disputed) King of Westeros (Disputed)

Titles:

Enemy of Men – Male Scumbag - Greedy Bastard – Eyeball Harold(Deactivated)

Bane of Hogwarts (Deactivated) – Master of Death (not all requirements met)

Shameless Braggart - King Eyeball(Deactivated) - Bunny Hopper – The Destroyer

Kingslayer – The Whiny Wizard – Ruthless Killer - King of Show-offs

Age 14

Level 100 (155) restricted

Abilities:

Parseltongue (Blocked)

Dragontongue

Natural Animagus - Dragon Animagus Bobby – Phoenix Animagus Clumsy

Druidic Affinity

Elemental Mage (Restricted to basic)

Metamorphmagus (Partial blocked)

Cut/Copy/Paste

Chakra prodigy(Blocked)

Library

Inventory

ID Create/Escape (Blocked)

Gamers Body: Max Level

Gamers Mind: Max Level

Companions(Max 10):

Sirius Orion Black – Daphne Greengrass – Astoria Greengrass – Tracey Davis

Padma Patil - Parvati Patil – Fay Dunbar – Lavender Brown – Lyanna Stark

Obara Sand – Nymeria Sand – Tyene Sand – Lucinda Bright- Bu Meili – Bu Fen

Familiars:

Betsy Hungarian Horntail

Benny Valyrian Dragon

Bernie Valyrian Dragon

Skills:

Wizarding Magic Master Level 100.

Telekinesis 100– Telepathy 1– Teleport 100 – Technomancy 1- Spatial Magic 100

Observe 100 – Mage sight 1– Occlumency 1– Legilimency 1– Healing 100 - Light Magic 100

One-hand Sword 1– Two-hand Sword 1– Dual wielding 100– Archery 1– Martial arts 1

Horseback Riding 1– Cooking 100 – Gardening 1– Cleaning 1– Construction 100

Basic musical Instruments 1– Singing 1- Drawing 1– Finger Painting 1– Grooming 1– Teaching 100

Navigating 1- Translation Magic 1- Warging 1

Professions:

Blacksmithing 100- Leatherworking - Mining - Engineering – Inscription 100

Herbology 1– Alchemy 1– Tailoring 1– Jewelcrafting 1– Enchanting 100

Manipulation 100 – Bullshitting 100 – Acting 1– Whining 1– Buttkissing 1

Sweet! Any skill I leveled to 100 stays 100! that is a big cheat! Or… the next world has stronger enemies. Crap! I have to train again. Ah! I can have Clumsy back.

Level 7

World: A Song of Ice and Fire

Main Quest: Solve all major conflicts.

Time limit: 10 years

Reward: A free bloodline for the next world, the importance depends on the result.

Failure: Entering a Max Level world at level 1

Meh, at least it isn't a stupid penalty like 20 years as Donald Duck. Hold on a fucking minute! It isn't bloody Westeros but the whole fucking world! Crap, I am dead meat.

Xxxxx

They are all in the Throne room now. I am glad my Bullshitting is at 100

I amplified my voice a bit: "Lords, Ladies, we have a major problem at hand here. In fact, we have several of them. Uncle Stannis and Uncle Renly declared that I am a bastard, just because I look like my mother with Lannister features.

If this is a reason to declare someone a bastard, then Rob Stark is one too, he resembles the Tullies more than the Starks. Even Lady Sansa looks like a Tully. Are they bastards? Jon Snow looks more like Ned Stark, is he a true Stark?

No, it is not the question that I am a bastard or not, It is just a reason to remove the Lannister influence from the throne.

The actions of my mother to protect me, no matter how well-meant they are, reinforced the belief that I am a bastard. Killing the retinue of the Hand of the King is High Treason. And my mother is guilty of it.

Instead of proving my legitimate claim on the throne, my mother turned to violence and amplified the doubts.

She is removed from the position of Regent of the king, her title of Dowager Queen is revoked, even the title of Princess of the Westerlands. She is from now on Cercei Lannister, nothing more. She will remain in house arrest." I tagged her, she definitively is going to run.

I continued: "Next, Lord Stark, you foolishly fell for rumors without finding the facts. If we follow your logic then Jon Snow will be the Next Lord Stark or Brandon, he looks a bit like you. My mother took revenge on father by taking lovers too, I can't blame her for it, because father was a filthy whoremonger that put his dick in every female that was within his arms reach.

So here is my dilemma: Am I a bastard or not? At the moment two big armies are heading for King's Landing. As the Hand of the King, I order you, Lord Stark, to send a message to them.

A duel before the Seven between us, no substitutes, swords only, no poison, arrows, or assassination. As the oldest, Lord Stannis can be first, if he wins, he can fight it out with Uncle Renly. Let the Gods decide."

The hall filled with murmurs, I added: "An alternative is for me to marry my niece Shireen, and let our offspring marry the child of Lady Margaery and Uncle Renly, but that smells too much like the Targaryen madness.

Also for Lady Margaery and Renly to have a child, Loras has to suck Renly's dick and spit it in Margaery's cunt to have any chance of conceiving."

The Hound started laughing at my last comment, many Kings guards smiled too, although I suspect most of them are homosexuals too, the vow of celibacy is a good excuse for an all-male club.

I raised my voice a bit more: "That brings us to the lord of spies, tell me Varys, your birds are singing their songs from the time you helped the mad King roast his people. You never raised your voice. If I am a bastard, it is your duty to inform the Hand and the King isn't it?

So I am a true Baratheon, or you are having an interest in stirring a war in Westeros. Did you know that I talked to one of your birdies? Yes the one you let spy on me, he told me you met a fat guy and talked about Blackfyre. My guess is that you are a source of our troubles. Guards arrest him, strip him naked and remove all weapons and poisons, and get some answers."

A tag and curse on him to activate when he is a mile from this throne, just to be sure and we go to the next problem: "A bigger problem is Pettyr Bealish, you are responsible that the nation is six million Dragons in debt. But strangely you do very well in business. That little bird told me that there is a chance of another bastard sitting on a throne in the Vale.

Guards, arrest him, cut bot tendons of his heels, any Dragons you can recover from him, one third will be divided among the guards, anyone that will help him escape will have his family removed from this world." Tag and curse on this one too.

Yes! The sheep follow the loud one, that is me for the moment. The old Maester will slip from the stairs as usual.

I called out: "I want a guard detail for Lord Stark, the Hand of the King. All of them are not from the Westerlands. Lady Sansa, you stay with me." I send Telepathically to Ned: "She will be safe with me. Send a raven to that stupid wife of yours to release uncle Tyrion, he is innocent. We will punish the real criminals later."

Cercei followed my orders now, a small Imperio made sure of it. She is too dangerous to let her run around without a leash.

Xxxxx

We entered my quarters, I pointed to a chair and said: "Sit." Scanning the room, I found the little bird in a hidden corner, I plucked him out of the hole and told him: "Varys is done, warn the others to disappear, or work for me, you are free to choose." The kid jumped back into his hiding hole. I silenced the room.

I turned to Sansa: "How does it feel to be a true lady of the South? Betraying your own family for your dream prince? What do you think? Was it worth being responsible for the death of your father's people? Mother is such a prime example, isn't she? You are a true Tully after all."

Sansa stammered: "I, I just wanted…" I interrupted: "You just wanted to be queen, a true Lady, not a savage from the North, a true Tully. Just. Like. Mommy. We all do what we think is best Sansa Tully.

I played a part too, if I didn't play along with mother, then Tommen would be the next to be molded as her puppet. Now that I am King, I can break free from her. We only have to survive this madness somehow. Keeping you alive is one of them."

I looked at her and said: "Take your clothes off, all of them, don't look at me that way! You renounced the North, so you are mine to do with what I want." Meh, I am just trolling her, I took a new outfit out of my inventory and handed it to Sansa: "Put these on." I cleaned and healed her before she put the new clothes on.

That was not a bad idea, these clothes were very uncomfortable, I stripped and changed in my cloth armor. Hmm… Let's freak Sansa out a bit more. I grabbed her hand and put a ring on her finger, pricked her finger, and put a drop of blood on the ring. I grinned evilly at her: "You are mine now Sansa Baratheon. Now, close your eyes and concentrate on the ring, think that you want to know what is in it."

Confused Sansa closed her eyes, and gasped. I said: "Think about one of the daggers in there to appear in your hand. Good, to reverse it, think about storing it back in the ring. Very well, this is your personal ring Sansa Baratheon. Storing or redrawing items from the ring in public is dangerous, greedy people will cut your finger off for the ring, or just kill you for it."

I lifted her chin with a finger and told her: "No more betrayals Sansa Baratheon. Stay true to your family and true to me. We both were what our mothers wanted us to be, puppets to become what they could not. We are free from them now, we decide our own lives, to follow our own dreams. If you want to be queen, then that is what you are going to fight for. Do you want to travel? See the world and all its wonders and horrors? We can do that too Sansa Baratheon."

Evil bastard coming through! Keep the hands inside the carriage or lose them. No refunds… Ever.

Xxxxx

Ravens were sent to both Uncles and one to Lady Stark. I send one to both Lannisters. The one for Jaime said:

Ser Jaime, return to Casterly Rock with your troops and stay there, you are the one responsible for this mess, I arranged the release of Uncle Tyrion. If you disobey, I will tell everyone what I witnessed on one of your visits to mother's room. Don't tempt me! Because of your and mother's stupidity, everyone thinks I am a bastard.

You are hereby dismissed from the King's guard. Be the Heir for the Westerlands or take the Black, I don't care.

Your King Joffrey Baratheon.

The letter to Grandpa:

Grandfather, Mother made a mess of things, let me tell you one thing: Lady Stark arrested the wrong brother. Stannis and Renly are claiming that I am a bastard from mother and uncle Jaime. I can not even tell them it is a lie. I arranged with Lord Stark the release of Uncle Tyrion. We can't afford a war on three fronts. So redraw your troops, Jaime is kicked out the King's guard, make him your Heir or send him to the wall.

Your King: Joffrey Baratheon.

That will rub him the wrong way, a little snot telling Tywin what to do, I bet he is already on the way here.

Xxxxx

A few days later Stannis took the bait, a duel to win a kingdom is cheap. Renly did the same. We set a place and date for the duels, the square where Ned almost lost his head.

Sansa became my shadow, she didn't have the guts to face her father. Two days after the event at night, she asked with a timid voice: "My Lord, can you take care of Arya? Do you know where she is?"

Hmm, I forgot the little rat, I reached out to the tag, she was somewhere in Fleabottom. I looked at Sansa and said: "This is a family secret Sansa Baratheon." I turned invisible and flamed to Arya. She was sleeping in a corner, I cast Sleep on her and flamed her in my room.

I vanished her filthy clothes, cleaned her with a few spells, removed all bugs, and healed her up. A new set of clothes in the style she liked finished the job.

I said: "Sis will not be happy with you Sansa Baratheon, do I wake her up now, or put her in your dad's room?"

Sansa sighed: "Wake her up My Lord, I have to face my failures one day, and I failed Arya in many ways."

Before waking her up, I took a pizza out of my inventory, a feat that didn't surprise Sansa anymore. I canceled the spell and kicked Aria's feet to wake her up. Arya jumped up and began stabbing her Needle around her. Dazed she spotted Sansa, dropped her Needle, and jumped in Sansa's arms crying: "You came for me!" After a few seconds, she smelled the pizza and jumped at it like a starved animal. Three-quarters of a pizza later she looked around and spotted me, raging she asked Sansa: "What is the Bastard King doing here? Are you still following him around like a lost puppy?"

Sansa had tears in her eyes: "He is all I have left Arya, I betrayed father, betrayed you, everyone that came along to this hellhole. I betrayed the North. If I go back there, the Lords will revolt. He is the one that got you here, you are back in the palace. Father is the Hand of the King again. A lot of things happened, look at your clothes."

Arya checked herself out, she was clean, nothing was itching, she even smelled nice, looking at Sansa she just asked: "How?" I interrupted: "A sleeping potion, Sansa cleaned and bathed you, and put new clothes on."

Tittle upgraded:

Male Scumbag to Shameless Male Scumbag

OK… I deserved that. Sansa blushed and nodded, Arya looked suspicious at her: "You are blushing Sansa, you were never good at lying. Tell me did that bastard see me naked?"

I chuckled: "Look at yourself little rat, it will take at least four or five years before there is something there worth looking at."

Arya yelled at me: "Mother said the first man to see me naked would be my husband!" I laughed out loud: "Stupid kid! Did you forget the bedding ceremony? Dozens of men will rip your clothes off, have their paws all over you and carry you to your bed. Where you can hope your husband is sober enough to be gentle. And for the record, I saw Sansa naked first."

Arya gasped: "He did?" I grinned: "Way more things to admire at little rat, I even claimed her as Sansa Baratheon."

Arya mocked me: "You mean Sansa Lannister? Or even better Sansa Hill?

I tilted my head and answered: "No, if I lose the duels I'll be dead, if I win, that proves that I am a Baratheon. So for now it is Sansa Baratheon. You are too young for a spot, so it will be only Sansa carrying my name. As I said, wait four or five years."

Arya grinned: "In four years there will be only a skeleton left of you King fucking Joffrey the First."

I nodded: "Aye, chances are you be lying there next to me. Arya Baratheon, second wife of King fucking Joffrey, The First of his Name."

She screamed: "I'll die first!" I shrugged: "You will learn to love me, dear."

Sansa interrupted: "Please don't tease her My Lord, can you take her to father? Please?" Party-pooper, spoiling my fun.

I motioned Arya to follow me, I opened the secret passage and led both girls to Ned Stark's room. I opened the passageway making enough sounds to alert Ned Stark. Arya went in first, followed reluctantly by Sansa. Ned opened both arms for his girls.

After a few minutes of crying, Ned looked at me and asked: "Who are you?"

I raised my eyebrow and said: "For the moment I am your King, the savior of your neck, rescuer of your daughters and potential son-in-law."

Ned nodded: "True, but it doesn't answer my question Who Are You?"

I silenced the room: "I am a problem solver, I am a traveler of worlds, tasked to deal with matters that involve the Divine beings. I came here the moment the little shit called: off with his head. Does that answer some of your questions?"

Ned said: "You look exactly like that little shit." I smiled: "I Am that Little Shit. I merged with him. Once I completed my tasks, the Divine Part moves to the next world for another task. A part of me stays here to live the life I build up here." Arya grumbled: "I still hate the bastard." I joked: "Be silent, second wife."

Arya started stabbing me with her needle, which I easily avoided. Ned grabbed his daughter and calmed her down. The vindictive bitch said to Ned: "He saw us naked… both of us. He… did things…"

You little serpent! Ned's face darkened, I said: "Yes I did things, I cleaned her, healed her, removed lice and fleas, and gave her new clothes. Both are still virgins, and the only thing Arya has to fear from me is a good spanking on her bare ass."

Arya gasped: "You beast! didn't you see enough of me? Sansa! Control your husband!" Sansa buried her face in her father's chest and groaned: "Arya please!"

I cleared some trauma with the Clear Mind spell from both girls, it was also the reason I teased the little rat so much.

Finally, I gave both a storage ring, with clothes and some weapons: "The clothes are self-cleaning, and self-repair, put them in the ring for a day, and the stains and tears will be gone, with moderation mind you."

At the previous level, we had a big swimming pool, where we taught both Starks to swim. With only two males in the mansion, they all went in naked after a few months. I still view Sansa and Arya as the little kids from a few days ago. My harsh treatment of Sansa is to wake her up from her delusions. Arya? I just love to tease the little brat.

Xxxxx

The Lannisters redrew into their borders, Tyrion was now a guest in Winterfell, while Tywin rode to Kings landing with a small force. Two times Cercei escaped, at night I spelled everyone asleep and ported her back into her room with the corpses of the ones she escaped with.

There wasn't a third time. It could be because of the message in blood on her door: THE CRONE SAID NO! It was spelled to return when they removed it. There is a lot you can do when invisible, silenced, and odorless.

Tywin arrived and wanted to take control, I silenced him and said: "Gramps, sit down and shut up! The duels are agreed upon and so are the terms. This is a matter for the Baratheons."

Tywin nodded to Gregor Clegane, who drew his sword, the hound intercepted… with his brand new sword… that I gifted him. Made with top-grade materials, enchanted and inscribed with the best spells and runes.

There were two Gregor's a few seconds later, a Top and a Bottom half. Lorch and the band of Tywin's dogs followed.

I smiled: "As I said: stay out of it. You had your chance when you raised them and failed miserably at it. Mother is completely crazy, didn't you notice? Obsessed by Uncle Jaime? Two bodies, one soul?"

Tywin stayed silent, yes that would be my doing. I learned that in the Potter-verse: never let old people start talking.

They left sulking. I gave Myrcella and Tommen with them as a consolation price, tagged of course. Gregor and Lorch were put in boxes with a lot of salt to preserve them and sent to the Martells with my compliments, which will at least soften them a bit.

Xxxxx

The day of the duel arrived, the stage was set high enough so everyone could witness the duels. Each Lord was allowed to bring two thousand Men at Arms in the City. Not that they could do much, I warded the whole Keep and the surrounding area.

At the given time, Stannis got on the Stage with his Red Witch, he said: "You can't fool us, little boy, Melisande explained your party tricks, just simple illusions."

I raised my eyebrow. Dammed this shitty body isn't impressive enough. I answered: "Oh? Like the illusion that old hag is having on herself? Hey Red Bitch! Show us what you really look like."

She remained silent, I shrugged and Dispelled her. Instead of a sexy, totally shaggable babe, in its place was a wrinkled old woman. I said: "Yep, just a simple illusion. Here, let me show you my illusion."

I raised my hands and made an illusion of Benny, then I let Benny come out of the Familiar Storage in the same place, fading the illusion and letting Benny chew on the old hag. I told Benny: "No swallowing Benny, she is rotten to the bone." When Benny was done with her he flew up and took a dive into my body, I stored him back when he was a few feet from my body.

I grinned at Stannis: "Neat illusion he?" Stannis was lucky he trained his expressions, he just witnessed his trump card getting chewed by an Illusion? It felt so real! He felt the breath from the dragon, felt the blood spatters on his face.

He heard me say: "Well uncle, no more human sacrifices anymore. Do you still want to fight me? To the death? Or first blood? The loser has to swear fealty. Renly was shaking in his boots beside the platform. Hagrid's sister stood next to him, Brienna the Tart or something.

Stannis could not decide, finally, he said: "First blood, but no magic tricks, just swords, and the skill to wield them."

I nodded: "I can agree with that. Lord Stark, can you be the referee? Nobody will doubt your honor."

Ned agreed and got in the middle, to show off, Benny appeared behind me and covered me with his wings, while I changed into my battle gear. Hey! I practiced that a lot! It gets extra points from the public.

When Benny was back in Storage, Ned gave the signal. Stannis came here expecting an easy win, now however he approached slowly. My Dual Wielding is 100, so I first started to chop his shield up until he only held the handles, his sword, hah! a Valyrian one, the poor thing got dented until I chopped it in two.

I taunted: "Uncle! Why did you bring training weapons with you? Here, try this one." I took a decent sword from my Inventory and threw it at Uncle. The fight continued for a minute more to advertise the quality of my products, then I nicked him on his sword arm.

I looked Seriously at him and said: "Your oath Uncle, or die. By now you should have noticed it that you are no match for me." Holding his arm he got on his knee and sighed: "You win nephew, I, Stannis Baratheon Swear fealty to King Joffrey, the First of his Name."

Softly I said to him: "Bring Shireen here and I will heal her grayscale, for no other reason than that she is kin." Stannis looked up, with hope in his eyes he asked: "You can do that?" I shrugged and healed the wound on his arm.

I turned to Renly: "Uncle! What do you think? Are you feeling lucky? Come on! It will be fun! The miss with the angry face, I will go easy on him. Promise! Uncle, maybe it is best you go back to the playgrounds in the Reach with your butt boy.

Sorry Margaery, the chances of having a baby with my uncle are close to nothing. I'll bet you are still a virgin. I can however make you look like a boy… but then you will get buggered, so there is no hope at all."

Renly and Loras were discussing next to the platform, I asked the Tart: "How did you end up with uncle? I have a job for you if you want. I'll bet you are a great fighter, do you want a spar, until they are ready to bend their knee?"

Angry she said: "I am in King Renly's King's guard and am happy to pummel you down." She walked on the stage.

We started off easy, she studied my fight with Stannis and thought to have an answer to it, she wielded a two-hander with one hand, gaining the respect of the audience. Like I said: she is Hagrid's sister. Her sword didn't survive my blades though, soon she only had the handle in her hand.

I joked: "Why does everyone bring junk to this event? Did you think it would be easy? Here try this one, but I need that one back when we are done. Your King has enough money to buy you a new one. I am not bloody Santa."

Our spar continued for twenty minutes, she was quite good, in the end, I disarmed her and held a blade under her chin: "Sorry dear, you put up one hell of a fight, but I think your king is ready to bend his knee. Am I right Uncle?"

Renly growled: "Yes, King Joffrey, I will bend the knee." I shot back: "If you are not happy with it you can come up here! You can even bring your butt boy along! If not, you better change your tone."

Loras asked: "Two of us against you? For the throne?"

I nodded: "Yes, first blood. Like with uncle Stannis." With cocky faces they came on the stage, They practiced a lot for the melees at the tournaments.

When Lord Stark gave the sign, three seconds later they were on the floor holding their hand on the stumps of their sword arm. I looked down on Renly and said: "Swear now, or your heads will be next."

Shaking they swore fealty to me.

I reconnected their hands, I just ignored the tendons of their thumbs, and told him: "My first act as your king is to switch your lands. Stannis will rule the Stormlands, and you will have Dragonstone. As it should have been so in the first place. Margaery, I offer you a divorce from Renly, he is attracted to men, so I doubt you will have a happy life. Tell your grandmother to send Willas here, I can heal him."

I looked at the crowd and amplified my voice: "Before you stands Joffrey Baratheon! First of his Name!" Yep, I am a Shameless Braggart, and proud of it. The crowd started cheering my name.

My first hurdle is taken. Several more to go. Sansa had stars in her eyes, Arya had daggers in hers. Life is good again.