Until You Were Gone
"Hey, can I get a quick picture of you two?"
Damon looked up from the bourbon he was nursing in his hand and the photographer stood just a few feet away from him and Elena, as he put his drink on the table beside them and snaked his arm around her waist while her palm landed on his chest.
The man snapped a few photos and thanked them before moving on and Elena turned to face Damon, who immediately grabbed his drink again and placed it to his lips as she folded her arms and he met her eyes.
"What?" he asked, after taking a sip.
"You didn't even smile."
"I never smile in pictures."
"You could've smiled today," she scolded, and he rolled his eyes before she continued. "We are at Bonnie and Enzo's engagement party and you're the best man."
"I'm aware of that."
"And you've been in a mood the entire night. Why?" she asked and he stood up straighter.
"I'm not in a mood at all, Elena, but you're starting to put me into one."
"Typical Damon; blame me for your behavior."
"Typical Elena; playing the victim again."
"Maybe, if you slowed down on the bourbon you'd realize how much of an asshole you're being—"
"I'm perfectly fine Elena. Let it go. Do you always need to be this self righteous?" he shot back, and she let out a soft, irritated laugh, before raising both palms and grabbing her silver clutch. "Where are you going?"
"To hang out with literally anybody else at this party because I can't fucking stand you," she stormed off and he sighed but didn't go after her, as he watched her make her way across the courtyard of the restaurant Bonnie and Enzo had rented out, while he placed his drink to lips again and swallowed some more down.
He didn't even bother to follow to where she went because there was no point in it anyway. They'd been fighting all day—all month, actually— and normally Elena leaving in a fit would be cue to try to resolve things. He usually would've went after her because nine out of ten times it actually was his fault and but tonight was different. He felt different anyway, as his eyes scanned the crowd and he instantly stopped when they landed on Bonnie and Enzo—who were talking to yet another partygoer, all smiles, as they showed them Bonnie's canary diamond and her arm hooked through Enzo's, as his lips landed sweetly on her cheek.
He'd been watching the same moment—the same horror film—over and over again this entire night and if he could actually be honest with Elena about it—about how he was feeling—maybe she wouldn't be so surprised that he was in such a shitty mood and had taken to getting slightly more buzzed than he needed to be, though it wasn't even 7 PM yet. It was barely even happy hour.
The party was beautiful; the string lights that hung above the outdoor seating, paired with the flowers and elegantly placed decorations perfectly suited the occasion and to be honest, he expected nothing less from Bonnie and Enzo. They were Mystic Falls' new poster children for The Perfect Relationship and everyone made sure to tell them so, when they walked into the party and saw how lovely everything had turned out.
And Bonnie and Enzo, predictably, looked amazing together—as the short brunette was dressed in a long flowing off the shoulder white lace dress that was perfect for the summer with deep red lips, and Enzo was wearing a slim fitted suit in the color of Merlot that matched; his white dress shirt was unbuttoned at the top and his black hair was perfectly slicked back, as he watched Bonnie more than once run her fingers through it, each time his lips affectionately met her skin.
Damon was fucking nauseated and it wasn't because he had too much to drink.
He knew he should've been happy. After all, Bonnie and Enzo were his best friends and he was in a relationship with Elena—his dream girl, who had ambition, drive, compassion, along with a beautiful face, soul, and body that she chose to show off tonight, in a tight baby blue dress that accentuated her long legs and had a plunging neckline that would have drove him wild on any other day.
But it didn't do anything for him, tonight. In fact, she hadn't done it for him for about two months. And that directly translated to their sex life, as they slowly stopped doing it altogether, roughly since about the time he found out about Bonnie and Enzo's engagement, via Facetime from the Eiffel Tower and his entire world flipped upside down, though he had to pretend like everything was business as usual and he was thrilled they were taking the next step.
He wasn't. He never would be, he realized, as his eyes continued to roam over Bonnie's perfectly golden skin and he became hypnotized by her laugh that he could hear from across the courtyard; his heart continuously breaking when he realized he would never get the chance to make her laugh like that, because he was too much of a chicken to tell her what he had felt for her all of these years growing up and now? It was too late. And Enzo was the better man.
For everything Damon felt like he lacked, Enzo possessed easily; he was charming without trying, he was easy-going, level-headed, and he was smart as well. Honestly, how would he even possibly compete with a man who went to Oxford for his undergrad, and then subsequently got a full-ride to Harvard, for his Masters in Archaeology?
Who even went to school for that? And actually found success and a career in it?
Enzo did, apparently, and for as infuriatingly intelligent that he was, Damon still couldn't find it in his heart to hate him. Not only because he made Bonnie so damn happy and Bonnie's happiness was what he ultimately wanted, but it was because Enzo was kind, and genuine, and he'd easily become friends with him, despite the fact that it hurt his heart to watch this man sweep the woman that he loved off of her feet.
Enzo effortlessly fell into their friend's group; he was there for everything, from Friendsgiving, to group trips, to Paint Night or playing pool. He'd become one of Damon's best friends, and he wanted to be happy for him but he just couldn't bring himself to let it go, because despite knowing what Bonnie and Enzo both deserved which was each other, he knew what his heart truly wanted. And it was her, it always had been.
He feared it always would be.
He walked over to the bar and ordered another drink—his mouth pressed to another glass of bourbon, neat, as his father Giuseppe walked over, and Damon immediately stood up straighter and offered a crooked smile.
His father and his step-mother, Gail, had come all the way back to Virginia from Italy for the special occasion and Damon had to admit he actually was happy to see them again, considering the fact that it felt like his life was a fucking mess lately.
Stefan and Caroline were super busy being newly married parents, Sarah was only here between semesters when she wasn't traveling the globe, Bonnie spent nearly all of her time with her new fiancé, Elena fought with him on a daily basis, and the rest of his friends were too busy and wrapped up in their own lives to realize his was falling apart.
He couldn't exactly blame them.
No one knew what he was feeling—they would kill him if they did—and he couldn't exactly vent about it to anyone without sounding like the world's biggest douchebag for being upset that his beautiful best friend, Bonnie, had found someone to spend the rest of her life with, but he didn't want her to, because he secretly harbored feelings for her that she had no fucking idea about.
Yeah, that sounded pretty unhinged.
Damon snapped out of his thoughts when Giuseppe shot back a smile in return, his hand met his shoulder and he leaned into Damon's ear and spoke clearly.
"Son, let's take a walk."
Damon complied, as he followed him out of the courtyard and down a trail into the garden, as he popped a freshly prepared cigar into his mouth, and they walked in silence for a moment before his father finally spoke.
"You look miserable," Giuseppe said bluntly, and Damon forced himself to look surprised even though he knew it was the truth—his father could always see right through him. "I've been gone for just a year, Damon, but I can always tell when you're unhappy… Things aren't well with Elena," he stated, and Damon ticked his jaw as his free hand met his pocket.
"How can you tell?"
"Everybody can tell," Giuseppe replied, and Damon didn't answer that. "I fear you two are getting lost, in a never-ending cycle that won't end until one of you gets honest about why it hasn't been working… And I feel that it needs to be you."
Damon stopped and looked into the reflective blue eyes of the man before him and his brows furrowed.
"You… want me to dump Elena? You love Elena."
"I do love Elena—I think she's wonderful," his father admitted, and Damon remained confused as the man looked into his eyes. "She's driven, smart, and patient… especially with you… But you don't love Elena, Damon. And it isn't fair of you to waste her time… Especially when you are sure about who it is that you do love… You've been sure about this, for quite some time."
Damon swallowed hard and maintained innocence, though he knew his father was reading him like a book.
"I… don't know what you mean, Dad—"
"You love Bonnie," Giuseppe said straight up, and Damon went rigid as his father's eyes pierced through him like a butcher knife cutting through butter. "You've always loved her. Your mother used to tell me so, when you were just a kid. She'd always say you were Bonnie's knight in shining armor. She was convinced we could tell you, you were never going to get another gift for Christmas ever again and you wouldn't care… just as long as Bonnie was allowed to come over," his Dad said and Damon inhaled a sigh as he shook his head.
"We're just friends, Dad. She's been my best friend for years."
"I remember when I believed the same; I thought you just really valued her as a friend… because she was sweet, but she had this fire about her, and she was just always putting you in your place when you needed it… But when your mother passed away, and you two started to grow up—started getting even closer—I knew it was more than that… I knew that you loved her, even though you'd never admit to it because it scared you. It still does, doesn't it?"
Damon was a ghostly white as he watched his father blow out a puff of smoke from his cigar and he shook his head before taking a long sip of his drink; suddenly it was getting harder and harder to gulp it down.
"I just want the best for her. She… deserves it, after putting up with me all of these years."
"You want her to love you back," Giuseppe said earnestly, and Damon bit his lip. "In your perfect world, Bonnie would be yours and everything would be fine. This party would be for you two, instead of her and Lorenzo… And you would know that all the years that you waited to tell her how you felt were worth it. You'd believe she'd think you were worth it."
Damon blinked silently and finally looked down as they stopped walking. His eyes filled with every emotion he'd been trying to hold back for the past several years and when he looked up again his father noted the tears behind his eyes even though he wouldn't dare to let them fall.
He refused to.
"I lost the girl, Dad," he finally said Giuseppe placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it softly. "I never told her how I felt because I'm an idiot. And somehow, I think we're all better off. She can be with Enzo and I'll be with Elena—I'll find a way to be happy—"
"Son," Giuseppe started, and Damon pressed his lips together as his father offered him a solemn stare, "You'll never be happy if you continue to live your life this way; a life of regret and fear. You'll never forgive yourself and you'll resent Elena because of it and she doesn't deserve that… So, you need to let her go," he added, and Damon inhaled a deep breath. "You need to let her go and you need to tell her the truth… You've… taken away years of her life, Damon, when she could've been happy all this time with someone else… Don't you believe that you owe her that? The truth?"
Damon's hands gripped the steering wheel in his car as his phone pinged non-stop; a mixture of messages from Bonnie asking him what the hell was going on, Enzo who was profusely apologizing for what happened on the dance floor between him and Elena, and now Alaric, who asked him where he was because he'd witnessed only a segment of his argument with Elena and though he had no clue what they were going on about, he saw when it got ugly and she smacked him across the face before storming off.
His face still stung actually—that girl had a killer right hook on her—and he ticked his jaw as his eyes remained focused on the deserted road ahead, before he finally saw her in the distance, walking alone, and he slowed almost to a stop, while rolling down his window.
He was fortunate enough to be able to keep up with her after nearly losing her in the crowd and luckily enough for him, her threats to tell Enzo were empty, for now anyway, as he followed her outside and watched as she began walking. He had no idea how she was going to get home and it appeared neither did she, so he got in his car and followed her.
But Elena was stubborn. Also pissed off. And she was under the influence. And that was a deadly combination if he actually wanted her to listen to him but he needed to try. He owed her that much, he realized.
He needed to make sure that she was okay.
"Elena, get in the car," he demanded, and she shook her head as she was still crying; her cheeks and nose now pink from her tears and the crisp early December air as she walked, hands crossed over her chest.
"Leave me alone, Damon."
"I'm not going to leave you alone until you get in the car," he replied, and she scoffed but continued walking. "You'll get hypothermia out there. You're wearing shorts for crying out loud."
"So, now you care about my well-being? When you want me to do something that benefits you?"
"What I want is for you to get into the car so you don't freeze to death."
"You want me to get into that car so I don't call Enzo. That's all you care about Damon! Saving your own ass, and protecting Bonnie—"
"I care about you okay? And I know I owe you an explanation. And and an apology. I owe you a lot of things right now but let me start off with taking you home," he answered. "Please, Elena. You know that I don't beg and I am begging you. You can tell Enzo the truth if you want to—I won't stop you if you feel like that's what you need to do. But I need you to get into the car. That's all I'm asking, okay?"
Elena finally stood still and Damon saw that as his opportunity to finally put the car in park and he hopped out, peeling off his leather jacket as he placed it around her shoulders. He went to open the door and she stopped him with a shake of her head as she looked into his eyes and wiped the mascara that stained her cheeks.
He remained silent and listened.
"I'm not getting into the car until you answer a few questions," she said, and he let out a sigh before nodding and dropping his hands at his sides.
"Okay, Elena. We'll do this your way."
"How long?" she asked immediately, and he pursed his lips. "How long have you been sleeping with her?"
Damon sighed and looked directly into her eyes as he answered; his voice remained even, though his stomach was doing back flips.
"Two months. Maybe a little longer," he said truthfully, and she swallowed hard.
"How did it start?"
"We… had sex for the first time the night before her wedding… And it wasn't until a few weeks later that we continued things," he added as she shook her head and he licked his teeth. "She wanted to tell you, Elena and she's been working up the nerve. That's why she invited you over tonight—"
"Stop talking, it is my turn," she said through her teeth and Damon shut up as she blinked back tears and continued her interrogation. "When did you fall in love with her?"
Damon looked down and Elena's fists tightened as the silence passed between them. He let out a exhale when he looked up and her eyes were like daggers as they stared directly into his.
"When I was 18 years old," he said and her brows creased immediately as Damon didn't even blink and he went on, "when I brought her to prom after that guy stood her up… I just fell for her, even though I told myself I wouldn't. We weren't together, then, Elena—"
"But you did get back together with me. Multiple times after that. Even though you loved her," Elena said and he didn't deny it as he watched a tear roll down her cheek and she quickly wiped it away. "So, you used me—"
"Elena—I loved you. I did, I promise I did—"
"I fucking hate you, Damon!" she screamed through her tears as she pushed him away and threw his jacket to the ground. "How could you? How could you waste ten years of my life, just like that? Like it was nothing, without any remorse?" she hiccuped through her tears and his eyes turned somber at the fact that she was right; he had wasted her time—her best years—when she could have been off loving literally anybody else in the world, instead of him—the man who was in love with her best friend and always would be, no matter how hard he tried to fight it.
Damon's hands found his pockets and Elena turned away as she began hysterically crying and he shut his eyes for a moment to try to gather his thoughts but if he were honest, they were completely fucking scrambled. When he reopened his eyes, she was sitting on the cold hard ground with her back against his car; her eyes shielded by her hands as she continued sobbing.
He'd never heard her cry like this—not even when they were together; not even when he let her down one last time and broke up with her.
And something about that stirred him—it made him feel sick to his stomach that he was the one who caused this; he destroyed her. And there was nothing he could say to make any of this better because he couldn't turn back the hands of time. He had to live with this—with this awful thing he'd done—and he officially hated himself even more than he already did.
He now knew that he was the most fucked up, irredeemable asshole on the planet, despite how much he liked to believe that he had changed. It still would never be good enough, because he couldn't fix this. He couldn't repair what had been shattered into a million pieces.
He sat down next to her and she didn't even acknowledge him until he started to speak.
"I'm sorry, Elena," he said softly as he looked ahead. "I'm sorry that I did this to you. I'm sorry that I broke your heart," he added, and she continued to look down into her hands that were shaking as he shook his head and leaned further back against the car. "I was afraid to tell Bonnie how I felt—and I waited so damn long to do something I should've done ages ago and I'm sorry. Because that wasn't your fault. And you deserved better than that. You always deserved better than me and I knew it…I should've treated you better. I should've done right by you a long time ago, and you didn't deserve to find out about this the way that you did… No one does."
There was a long silence between them as he grazed both his hands against the road to keep them from trembling. Elena's knees were up to her chest and she remained with her head in her hands as she finally spoke again—this time while shivering and it only further stabbed at his heart as he listened to her tiny, shaky, devastated tone.
"I've always wanted you to be happy, Damon, even when you weren't with me," she sniffed and he pursed his mouth as she finally looked up and her red puffy eyes met his. "It's all I ever wanted—I wanted you to find the love that you were looking for; the love that I somehow couldn't provide, even though I gave you everything," she said and he nodded.
"You did. I'm grateful for that, Elena. I am—"
"But you've never wanted that for me," she interrupted, and he frowned as she let out a humorless laugh and found his eyes, once more. "You've never cared… and that's how I know you never really loved me. Because if you loved me you wouldn't have strung me along; you wouldn't have kept me miserable with you. You would've let me go."
Damon ticked his jaw and Elena slowly stood to her feet as she looked down at him, sitting on the ground. Damon let out a deep sigh when he met her eyes. Her hand was pressed to the handle of the door.
"Elena..."
"Can you take me home now?" she ignored him and he exhaled as he stood to his feet and nodded. "I'm ready to go."
She got into the car and so did he; immediately putting the vehicle in drive as he coasted down the long winding road with both hands on the wheel until they hit the highway and headed back towards Mystic Falls.
The silence was heavy as he drove and Elena's eyes remained fixed out of the window for the next twenty minutes or so, until he finally pulled into her driveway and turned off the engine when he turned to face her though she was still looking away.
He cleared his throat as he watched her fish for her house keys.
"I know that there isn't anything I can say to make this right," he said as she remained quiet and he swallowed the lump that was in his chest. "But I think you should talk to Bonnie. She's your friend, Elena, and she wants a chance to explain herself. She thinks you're worth that."
Elena opened her door and turned to face him with an apathetic expression that chilled his bones and she finally had her keys in her hand while he waited for her to talk.
The anticipation was killing him.
"You don't love her either," she said simply, and his brows furrowed at that as Elena remained stone-faced, before she continued. "Because if you did, you wouldn't have ruined her life like this, just to get what you want… As far as I'm concerned, Bonnie and I are no longer friends so long as she's with you," she said and his heart sunk at those words as he listened on. "You can tell her that she can have you—it's perfectly fine. You don't have to worry about me telling Enzo anything because I won't; I don't want anything to do with either of you anymore and I think I deserve better than being the scapegoat that you can use when this all blows up in your faces because it will, Damon. So, I wish you both the best, I do… but with all due respect, you can both rot in hell."
Elena got out of the car at that and slammed the door shut behind her. Damon didn't say a word as she walked off and he watched as she disappeared into her home, without ever looking back.
XXXXXX
"Still nothing from Damon?" Caroline asked as she watched Bonnie pacing the living room and the brunette shook her head as she bounced her phone against her palm, before meeting her eyes.
"Radio silence since that ominous text message about Elena knowing something and then nothing," she said as Caroline pouted, and Bonnie let out a sigh. "Do you think we should go to the rave? I mean, I don't know what else to do at this point."
"I think that we just killed about three pitchers between the two of us, so staying put and not operating heavy machinery is probably our best bet," Caroline said, and Bonnie nodded.
"You're right—I'm just drunk. And nervous. And maybe Damon is taking care of it," she said, and Caroline nodded, her eyes filled with hope. "I've been terrified to face her about this and tonight, I finally had the courage to be honest and she already knows," Bonnie bit her lip, shaking her head. "How long has she known? And why didn't she say anything?"
Caroline shifted at that, offering a sympathetic stare.
"She's Elena, Bon. You know that she doesn't do confrontation very well. She hates it… And maybe she was trying to avoid it; not let it sink that you and Damon are… together. And she's the one who got left behind."
"I guess I never considered her reaction because I thought she was over it," Bonnie said as she finally sat down and ran her fingers through her hair. "I mean, this entire time I've been preparing myself for how badly Enzo is gonna take this and I just… let things with Elena go to the wayside," she confessed, and Caroline frowned. "I've been a terrible friend to her, through this entire thing."
"You've been going through a lot too, Bonnie. You broke off an engagement on your wedding day, you're falling for someone you've known forever but never saw in that way, and he happens to be your fiancé's best friend and your best friend's… ex," Caroline said softly as Bonnie looked to the ground. "You can't help who you fall for."
"No," she shook her head, "because if I could, it wouldn't be Damon… My life would be so much easier if it weren't," she said, and Caroline moved in and placed an arm around her shoulder as Bonnie folded her hands and found her eyes.
"You didn't want easy—that's why you left Enzo in the first place," Caroline reminded her gently and Bonnie ticked her jaw because she was right, though she didn't respond. "You… want this chaotic, complex, passion-filled desire that Damon makes you feel and there isn't anything wrong with that. It's not wrong to want to feel all that he makes you feel," Caroline said, and Bonnie scoffed softly.
"It is wrong when you can't be honest about it to your best friend, or your ex," she said shrugging her shoulders. "Because then it just makes you a liar. And a cheater. And a slut…"
"You're not a slut for wanting what you want… Do you think any guy on this planet would call Damon one, for pursuing you? They wouldn't. He'd be applauded for it; for being so tenacious, and driven, and determined to fight for what he wants… Some people, like me, might even see it as romantic that he wants to be with you so badly that he's fighting so damn hard for it. He's giving it his all, Bonnie and he's not ashamed about it… So why are you? Yeah, it sucks for Elena and Enzo and they do deserve an explanation and an apology for how this all happened but at the risk of sounding insensitive, whether they know or not, it doesn't change how you feel. It doesn't change the fact that you want to be with him, and you said you'd choose him, despite the shitty outcome from the fallout."
"I am. I will choose him, no matter what happens."
"Okay, so, own it, Bonnie Bennett. Own how you feel—don't discount yourself just because you went after what you wanted. Because no one in this town has to live in your shoes—we don't have to live with this, but you do. And it doesn't make you a slut because you want to be happy… It makes you a person who wants to be happy. And you deserve that—you always have. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
Bonnie blinked back tears and she reached in for a hug as Caroline's arms wrapped around her shoulders and held her in a tight embrace as she inhaled a deep breath.
Caroline was right.
She would forever look back on all the ways that she could've done this differently—how she could've been honest from the start—but none of that would change the present. None of her could have, would have, and should have's, would change the fact that she wanted to be with Damon now and once the truth was out, there would be nothing standing in her way or holding her back from fully committing to this.
She had fallen for him, more and more each day. And though she desperately wanted to stop time—or at least pause it to catch her breath, and fully examine just what the hell she was getting into—she couldn't and perhaps she was better off that way.
She'd spent her entire life being an over-thinker; over-analyzing a guy's words or behavior, losing sleep over what they did say—and didn't—and it led to many sleepless nights and heartbreaks, that usually led her to Damon's door at two a.m., as he listened to her talk for hours and plied her with ice cream, in an attempt to make her feel better.
Damon knew every shitty thing any guy had ever done to her, and he hadn't done the same. He was straight-forward, since admitting how he felt for her and he made it perfectly clear that he wanted her to be in his life, despite how hard or wrong it would be, once the truth finally came to light.
She lost sleep over Damon, but for all the right reasons, as she ached to be beside him when he wasn't there, and she wanted nothing more than to be even closer to him when he was; her thoughts instantly floating away to memories of him innocently running his fingers through her hair, as they stared at each other for the ten thousandth time, and wondered just how the hell they'd even gotten here.
She imagined—more often than she wanted to admit to, actually—what it would be like when she and Damon could express themselves publicly. She fantasized about it all, from their first kiss in front of other people, to just holding hands; all the things normal people got to do without thinking twice, when they were with someone.
Her mind instantly flashed to just a few days ago when they decided to go ice skating and how much fun she'd had, though she desperately wanted to be able to hug and kiss him without fear of judgment and criticism from people who only knew the stories but didn't actually know them.
Because nobody actually knew them at all, except for them.
"Take my hands."
"No, I don't want to."
"Damon, you're gonna fall right on your ass."
"And I'll take you down with me."
Bonnie squealed when Damon wobbled forward on his ice skates and almost crashed into her. A hearty laugh emitted from his lips before he caught his balance again. This time without asking, Bonnie gracefully circled in front of him and took both of his hands into hers, stopping him in his tracks as she glanced up into his blue eyes and offered a grin as she slowly skated backwards and pulled him with her.
"Show off," he teased and Bonnie grinned as she confidently let go of his hands for just a second to do a perfect pirouette before capturing his palms once more. "You always have been."
"It's not my fault I've just always been better than you at ice skating. And bowling. And tennis—"
"It's because you're annoyingly competitive," he chirped and she scoffed, still grinning. "I just like to go with the flow."
"Spoken like a true loser."
"Well, you fucked this loser so what does that say about you?" He asked sweetly and she slapped his arm he smirked. "What?!"
"Language, Damon. There are kids around."
"The five year old in front of us literally dropped the F-bomb ten minutes ago. Go yell at him," he accused and she laughed at that while he continued to skate slowly.
He stopped arguing with her long enough so she could coach him through it— and reminded him not to look down at his feet though he was tempted.
He followed her instructions and he was slowly getting it, after only about an hour of falling on his ass and getting back up to try again, because he'd never been a quitter. And he wanted to impress her.
And perhaps he could sweet talk himself into getting a massage if he fell again and broke his tailbone.
Either way, he was going to make the best of it.
He had to resist the urge to fuck this all up by being Typical Damon, because he'd waited far too long for this. He'd waited years for her to notice him, to feel the same way. And now that he had her, he refused to let her go.
And that's what led him here, to the town's annual tree lighting and now ice skating, in the Mystic Falls Town Square on a brisk evening, as cheery Christmas music played on and the ice rink bustled with couples and families, trying to get into the holiday spirit.
Bonnie had no trouble doing that.
When he showed up to her condo to properly pick her up, she had on an adorable green elf hat that went perfectly with her cream cashmere sweater. And she plopped a Santa hat right on top of his dark hair, right as she let him know he wasn't allowed to take it off the entire time.
She was lucky she was so goddamn cute.
Damon bit his lip when he felt Bonnie hold his hands a little tighter; he couldn't ignore the exhilarating feeling in his stomach as her skin touched his and he realized that they were pretty much hiding in plain sight.
They were on a date—not an official one yet, but still—in a very public place in the middle of town, yet somehow no one suspected a thing. He'd even told his brother his plans when he texted him that morning to see what he was up to for the day and Stefan didn't think anything of it when he told him to have fun.
They skated around for another half hour or so before they finally exited the rink and made their way over to the rentals as Damon handed in their tickets and in exchange they received their shoes.
"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" She smirked and he scoffed as he laced up his black boots and shook his head.
"If the choice was between that again, or cholera—"
"Damon," she cut him off with a whine and he smiled sweetly as she folded her arms. "This is the holiday season, you're supposed to be cheery! You've even got a hat on."
"You made me wear this."
"Aren't you glad you did? We fit right in," she beamed and he snorted as they walked to his car. "You used to love Christmas when we were kids."
"I loved everything before I had to start paying bills," he retorted and she slapped his chest playfully before he opened her door to allow her into the car.
When Damon got in on the driver's side and started the engine Bonnie turned to him and continued.
"The holidays are supposed to make you all warm and fuzzy, Damon. And if I can be warm and fuzzy after everything going on, you can be warm and fuzzy," she replied and he licked his teeth.
She was right. He was being a bit of a Scrooge and if he wanted to survive the holiday season with Bonnie it'd be in his best interest to show a little more enthusiasm and try to keep up with her.
"Fine, I'll suck it up. But I'm doing this for you, you know."
Bonnie smiled at that and Damon swallowed hard when he felt her take his hand into her own. Her thumb drew small circles over his palm and his skin immediately ignited at the touch. He met her eyes when he felt her own on him.
"Is your dad coming back for Christmas this year?" She asked and Damon shook his head 'no' as he looked ahead.
"It makes him sad, I think. Even though he has Gail now and they're really happy… Christmas was my mom's favorite holiday. And being at the boarding house, imagining how she would've decorated it… I think it'd be a lot for him… Sarah's gonna visit them actually. Her flight leaves for Italy in a few days, right after she's done visiting friends in Chicago. She's taking Donovan with her… And Stefan and Caroline are going to her mom's place. They invited me along but I don't know."
Bonnie nodded in understanding before she cleared her throat and her eyes looked ahead.
"I mean, if you're… not busy, then, you could always come to my Grams' for Christmas dinner," she said casually and Damon nearly stopped the car at her words.
His forehead wrinkled and Bonnie sent him a curious glance when she noticed the expression on his face.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing, nothing is wrong," he said as he pulled into her driveway and stopped, finally facing her. "I… just didn't know I was invited to that… To spend Christmas with your family."
Bonnie blushed at that as she looked down at their hands for a moment, completely realizing she and Damon hadn't actually talked about the holidays at all and how they would be doing them now that they were basically in a weird, semi-dating phase with one another.
On thanksgiving they didn't have to talk about it. She went to New York with her Grams to see her parents and he had been invited to a dinner party at Caroline's step sister Cami's house; a mansion in the next town over from Mystic Falls, where she and her husband Niklaus—or Klaus for short—lived.
Camille's father, Kieran—the priest who almost married Bonnie and Enzo—was married to Sheriff Liz Forbes, and Damon had to pretend he didn't feel insanely awkward as they drilled him with questions about Bonnie and Enzo until Caroline swooped in and saved the day, by distracting them with her twin boys until they left him alone for the rest of the dinner.
And he wished his problems stopped there but they hadn't.
Klaus' sister Rebekah had taken a liking to him, even giving him her number by the end of the night. When he told Bonnie about it, she actually got jealous hearing about the blonde bombshell fawn all over him for hours; shamelessly hanging onto his arm as they talked, Caroline also confirmed, and it was then that Bonnie was ready to admit to herself this went beyond sex or an infatuation with Damon—she actually really, really liked him and she didn't want to share him with anybody else.
She wasn't willing to let him date other women, although they hadn't put any labels onto what they were doing. And that was when she made the executive decision to invite Damon to her family Christmas.
She saw him as much more than a friend, despite how much she wanted to fight it. And it was time she started proving that to him, if she wanted him to stick around.
"Why wouldn't you be invited? This is… going pretty well, I think," she said cautiously and he bit back a smile as he immediately detected the nervousness in her tone. "I mean—if you agree, anyway—"
"Yeah, I-I agree," he answered and Bonnie pursed her lips to hide her smile.
"Okay good," she said lightly though she was bursting at the seams. "It'll be fun. Grams makes the best eggnog, and we listen to music, and play games by the fire… it's honestly a really good time."
"I'm… honored to be invited then," he said softly, genuinely, and Bonnie bit her lip as she felt him lean in a bit closer until their noses were almost touching and she shut her eyes.
His lips pressed gently to hers Bonnie sighed into the kiss, when she felt his thumb slowly tilt her chin and both of her hands met his face, grasping onto her tightly though the kiss was over, almost right after it started.
Each kiss between them had been more torturous than the rest, since the night she proposed that they be be honest about things with Elena and Enzo. It was almost as if things were starting to feel serious and her heart raced with anticipation every time he slowly leaned in, though sometimes it would be just to give her a peck on the cheek.
She'd given up Enzo for this; broke his heart, even, and she still thought about it routinely, until she stopped herself and repeated it in her head that they were both better off and it didn't work out for a reason—because there was something bigger in store for them both, not just her.
He still wasn't talking to her despite the fact that she'd called and texted him to apologize again for what she had done and she couldn't blame him—she had cheated on him and moved on so embarrassingly fast it made her almost have whiplash too. But she hoped with time and continued effort he would at least be able to be her friend again, someday, even if that wasn't right now. And especially after the he found out the entire truth. She hoped the same with Elena as well, though she hadn't been able to get ahold of her.
They had to be prepared to be hated by everybody and Damon, again, took that as a testament to much Bonnie really did care for him that she'd be willing to do that; to seemingly blow up her life for him and he felt thankful knowing that this wasn't all in his head. She wanted to be with him, no matter the consequences and she would eventually work up the courage to be completely transparent about it. Her goal was to do it all before the New Year began.
He kissed her again. Only this time a little bit stronger and Bonnie swooned as she immediately unbuckled her seatbelt and leaned in against his lips; her hands grasping at his hair and her tongue slowly moving against his, before she finally pulled away and placed both hands on his chest.
Every single part of her was throbbing right now and she was going to be in big trouble if they kept that up.
"Are you coming inside for a drink or do you have to go?" She asked, and Damon bit his lip as he followed her eyes and offered a genuine smile.
"I'm wherever you want me. I'd love to… come inside," he paused and Bonnie laughed with pink cheeks at that, as did he, while her thumbs continued to stroke the breast of his jacket and she shook her head.
"You're disgusting. I meant come inside of my place. Not me."
"Both are fine," he nodded and she bit back a smirk as she shook her head and opened her door to get out of the car.
He immediately followed suit. This time he took her hand first as he led her up the steps and she let out a hearty and surprised laugh the second they reached the doorway and he swooped her into his arms bridal style and walked her in, quickly shutting the door behind them. She ripped off her hat and his too as he plopped her down onto the couch and tore off both their jackets as he kissed her; again and again and again, and she grinned against the taste of hot cocoa and peppermint that was still on his lips from the tree lighting that evening.
They spent the rest of that night making a home-cooked meal and listening to Bonnie's favorite Christmas songs as he laughed from the couch with his beer in his hand when she used a hair brush to perform them as fiercely as she knew how and he was sure to give her a standing ovation at the end. They finished the night off under blankets by the fire place and it was in that moment she saw the flash of a future with Damon.
And to be quite honest, she wasn't sure how she had ever imagined her life any other way.
Bonnie smiled fondly as she remembered it all because being with him made her want all of those mindless, involuntary simple things with her best friend. And Damon wanted nothing, except every single part of her, inside and out, whether it was wrong or right and she wanted it to finally be right.
He'd changed the trajectory of her life in a huge way by taking a chance the night before her wedding, and she still marveled at the balls this guy had to have to do that. He was willing to throw all caution to the wind on a chance that she felt the same way, and here she was, two months later, still tongue-tied and besotted because he made her feel that way. He made her believe none of this had to be perfect—it just had to be what they both wanted, and she absolutely wanted this. She wanted him so badly she could barely think straight.
She'd never wanted something this badly in her entire life, and she decided she wasn't going to let that scare her anymore, but instead, empower her.
She didn't know where she would be in five or ten years; she didn't know if Mystic Falls was it for her or if she'd set off to travel the world, leaving her job behind to see new things and try more on some more experiences.
But if you asked her where her heart would be, then, she still believed it would be with Damon.
She now would always want it to be wherever he had gone.
Bonnie pulled away and looked Caroline in the eyes, as the blonde offered her a soft smile and tucked her hair behind her ears.
"I'm sorry that I'm a mess."
"You are," Caroline said, "and I'm gonna have to start charging you for these pep talks if you keep this shit up," she responded, and Bonnie laughed softly as did Caroline.
"I… think you might be right, about me falling in love with him," she suddenly revealed and Caroline's cheeks widened into a full blown grin as she watched Bonnie nervously shake her head. "I haven't wanted to admit it because I guess I'm just terrified things won't work out. And if they don't… I don't know what I'd do, Caroline. Because he's not just some guy I'm seeing, he's…quite possibly the person I could end up spending the rest of my life with, barring any more complications," she added and Caroline watched on silently as Bonnie bit back a smirk. "I'm oddly excited to see where it can go."
"It's not odd, it's sweet," Caroline smiled as did Bonnie.
They heard a knock on the door and Bonnie stood to her feet with a raised brow and Caroline watched on when she neared the doorway.
She was suddenly nervous because it could be anyone, but she guessed it was one of three people who had just attended the rave; either way, she was going to have a lot to fucking say.
Bonnie twisted the knob and she let out a sigh of relief when it was Damon, staring straight back at her, and she immediately reached forward and wrapped her arms around him. Her hands met his near-jet black hair and she breathed against his chest for a moment—inhaling the sweet smell of his cologne—before she finally pulled back and kissed him. Long, hard, and eagerly, because it felt like forever since his lips were last against hers, though it was just this morning in his kitchen.
She finally pulled him by the hand into the condo as she looked int his eyes and noticed something—a certain coldness, almost—but she ran her hands over his cheeks anyway and exhaled as he stared straight back at her.
It was then when she realized something felt off but she wasn't quite sure what it was. It didn't feel right, the way he'd reacted but she tried not to think about it too hard, especially considering the fact that she was sure he'd had a hell of a night.
"What happened with Elena?" she asked, and his hands met his pockets, as Bonnie still cradled his jaw. "Is she okay? I-I saw your message and I texted you like crazy, but you never responded. I was worried," she confessed, and Damon looked down—trying to ignore the way the heat of her hands ignited an immediate fire within him, and her emerald eyes made him shudder, just by looking into his.
He looked behind her and noticed Caroline on the couch and his breath hitched before he cleared his throat and spoke softly, while his sister-in-law watched on.
"Caroline, do you mind giving me and Bonnie a moment?" he asked the blonde was nodding immediately though her eyes were locked in on his stare.
She was also trying to read his expression but she couldn't quite decipher it.
"Yeah, actually—do you mind bringing me home? I had way too much wine and I can just come back for my car tomorrow—"
"I can," he said simply and Caroline bit her lip at the flatness in his tone, but she grabbed her jacket off of the chair and slipped it on, giving Damon one last curious glance before she hugged Bonnie and whispered into her ear.
"I love you Bon."
"I love you too, Care. I won't keep him too long," Bonnie said, and Caroline nodded as she grabbed Damon's keys to go sit in the car, and she locked the front door behind her—leaving the two in a suddenly awkward and uncomfortable silence as Damon swallowed hard and Bonnie noticed the calmness in his stare, though it made her feel anything but calm.
To be quite honest, his composure right now was fucking scaring her.
"Are you okay?" she asked gently, as her hand met his cheek and she squinted her eyes, "you seem… distant," she added and he didn't respond. "Damon, tell me what's going on."
"I'm a horrible person, Bonnie," he said simply and she watched as he swallowed hard; his hand finally met hers and he gripped onto it tightly. "I'm a dick and I guess it's just finally dawning on me that I haven't changed, as a person. If anything, I'm still the same old me. The same selfish, conniving, inconsiderate asshole that doesn't give a damn about the means, so long as I get what I want in the end. I've always only cared about how I felt and what I wanted and I just… have failed everybody else—the people that I claim to care about—so miserably."
Bonnie frowned as she shook her head and placed both hands on his face as he looked at her directly, though he was struggling to. He felt sick and undeserving of even looking at something as beautiful as she was; someone who had been pure with good intentions until he tainted her. Until he changed her.
"You haven't failed me, Damon. And I sometimes wish you could see yourself in my eyes because there's just so much about you that surprises me, every day. Even after thinking that I knew you for thirty years," she said and he ticked his jaw but listened on. "And I might never find the right words to describe it—to explain how much you mean to me—but just know that I… can't imagine what my life would be like without you."
"It would be better," he said and her brows furrowed at that. "You would be better off, Bonnie. I know that you would."
"Where is this coming from?" She asked and he bit his lip and looked to the ground. "I feel like something's wrong and you don't want to tell me so you're leading with this talk about me being better off without you but you know it's not true. I know it's not true… Did… Elena tell Enzo about us? How did she even know?" she asked, immediately fearing that was the bombshell Damon was going to drop as she pressed her lips and worry filled her eyes. "I-I can't say I blame if she did tell, but I wanted to talk to him, and her, on my own—"
"She said she saw us. I… put two and two together and figured it was probably the night she was supposed to come here after her shift but you said she never showed up. I'm guessing she did, we were just… too preoccupied," he said bitingly and Bonnie immediately remembered, as her heart sunk. "But she's not going to tell Enzo," he confirmed and her brow lifted at. "She doesn't want anything to do with anyone of this. Or us. She wants nothing to do with me or you, Bonnie. As far as Elena is concerned we can both rot in hell, so long as I am in your life."
Bonnie exhaled a shaky breath at that and nodded, her hand slowly falling from his face as she looked into his eyes and tried to hold back tears though they were coming anyway.
"We knew that. We knew she'd be upset," she nodded while he remained quiet. "I didn't expect her to be happy for us. I knew that'd be asking a lot… I just guess that I was optimistic; I hoped I wouldn't lose her over this and I did… She's never going to speak to me ever again."
Damon licked his tongue over his teeth at that and Bonnie quickly wiped the tears that rolled down her cheeks and shrugged. There was nothing more she could do or say, then.
Elena had been one of her best friends for years; they did nearly every school activity together and had been there for one another through thick and thin, and they very rarely ever got into fights.
Bonnie had been there for her, too, through her many breakups with Damon and she understood how it must've stung, now knowing that the one person who was trying to fix your relationship was indirectly the reason why it wasn't working out. It must've been a massive blow to Elena's ego when she discovered the truth about Damon and Bonnie because Bonnie was sure it left her wondering if Damon ever really loved her at all, or if she was just a stand-in for all those years, who never really had a fighting chance but she just hadn't known it yet.
Bonnie had no idea what transpired between Damon and Elena tonight but she knew it wasn't good because he looked like hell. And instead of being relieved that the truth was finally out there and one of the two main people who deserved to know finally knew, he looked like he wanted to drown himself, instead.
She sat down on the couch and Damon remained standing as he watched her—just studied her—for a moment before Bonnie spoke again, holding back her tears.
"Was that it?" she asked. "What else happened Damon?"
"I told her everything, Bonnie," he said softly and she followed his eyes. "When this all happened, how it all started… When I… fell in love with you."
Bonnie looked up sharply—her eyes completely filled with shock and confusion as she stared back at him and Damon stepped in closer as his voice remained soft—timid—while she felt her heart beating so fast in her chest she wasn't entirely sure she wasn't having a heart attack.
Did he just say that he loved her? He was in love with her?
She could barely breathe or think straight. Because she wasn't surprised that he felt it—she knew something had to have kept him holding on for all those years; especially when she was going to marry somebody else. But she also didn't expect him to just come right out and say it. Not this way, and certainly not tonight, after all that had happened.
But then again, expecting Damon Salvatore to be predictable was her first mistake. Still wanting to be with him, despite how unpredictable he was, was her second.
He inhaled deeply and he didn't sit down as he still stared at her, flabbergasted by what he had just said, too, and Bonnie shook her head and pursed her lips before offering a response.
"Damon."
Is was all that she could say, to be honest, as she watched him take a step back and she stood up, desperate just to take his hands into her own and stop him. He stood strongly as he stared at her silently and Bonnie found his eyes though he was trying his best not to look at her.
He was failing because she was just too damn beautiful.
"I told her that I love you, Bonnie. That I have been in love with you for twelve years," he said and her brows scrunched when he looked down to the floor. "And it was only then that I realized I can't possibly love you as much as I think I do if I'm willing to put you through this—through so much pain—just so I can have what I want. Just so I can have you. Because if I loved you, I would've let you go. I would've let this go a long time ago, instead of making you choose me but I'm not selfless, Bon. I've never been selfless—"
"I made that choice on my own, Damon, so don't you fucking dare to take that away from me," she shot back as she stood up now too, and he towered over her. "I chose this—I chose you—because this is what I want. You are what I want—"
"At what cost, Bonnie?" He asked and she watched as his eyes looked straight into hers. "First it starts with Elena and then Enzo hating you. And slowly, it spreads, like a disease, to all of our friends; my brother—Stefan? He will never forgive us. And then your family… what will your Mom and Dad think? And your Grams? About the fact that I could love you so little that I was willing to drag you through the mud with me? What kind of a fucking man does that make me? That doesn't make me a man at all."
"What makes you a man, Damon, is fighting for what you want. Fighting for me. I don't want you to make choices for me. We've never been that way, not even as friends. You're not protecting me by doing this—you're just running away because you don't want to face it. You're doing what you always do when the going gets tough and I'm not okay with that. Because I wanna fight Damon. I would fight for you because I don't care. I don't need anyone's approval. I just need you. I want you, Damon—"
"And that should matter in all of this," he agreed as she looked down and she bit her trembling lip. "I should give you what you want because you gave me all that I wanted… You gave me the promise that when it came down to it you would choose me. Every time. And you have. Every time. And I appreciate that, I do, because it's all I've ever wanted. I only ever wanted you to choose me," he said with tears in his eyes as she watched her and she swallowed hard. "But I can't do this to you, Bon. How can I say that I love you if I only think about how you make me feel? And I don't think about how this affects your life and well-being?"
Bonnie's lips trembled as she took a step in forward and took his hand, but he pulled it away and shook his head as a frown crossed her face. He blinked back his tears and she wiped her own for the thousandth time tonight.
"Damon, you are a part of my life and my well-being. You… are the most important person in my life. And… I've never wanted to be with anyone as badly as I want to be with you," she said softly and this time he allowed her hand to touch his—her fingers trailed slow circles against his palm and the up his arm, until finally she was able to smooth both hands up his chest and landed them against his neck. "Please, don't go."
He exhaled as each hair on his skin stood on end and she drew his face in closer—so close—to hers, that he could feel the tiny expels of breath as they escaped her lips landing onto his. He had to fight against the dizzying intoxication he felt just by being within her proximity because in this moment, he wanted nothing more than to say fuck it and forget how much he had the potential to hurt her.
He wanted to pin her down to her bed for the rest of the night, until she was screaming his name and he was coming into every single crevice inside of her, over and over again, for as long as she wanted him to. He wanted to do whatever she asked him to do to her and then some.
He wanted to decorate her with his kisses. He wanted to adorn her with his affection. He truly yearned to grab each and every inch of her body, as he felt his hands mindlessly slide down to her legs as he pulled her in tighter and Bonnie's breath quickened while she stared him directly in the eyes.
He wanted her to know the weight behind his words—just how much he loved her—and he very well could show her right now, as he felt Bonnie immediately tense beneath his touch when he involuntarily continued by placing a hand on her hip and snapping his eyes shut.
Just breathing in the smell of her was driving him insane and the feeling of her hands dancing on his t-shirt—she could tear it in two and he wouldn't mind. She could tear him in two and he'd probably be pathetic enough to thank her, because being around her put him under a spell. He was bewitched by her—he'd known it the moment he walked into her condo tonight and long before that as well.
Damon allowed his other senses to take over for a moment as his eyes still remained shut; the touch of her body beneath his hands, the sound of her heart pounding as she pressed against his chest, the smell of her arousal as he ached to rip open her jeans, and finally the taste of her Sangria stained tongue, as she pulled him in for a kiss and her lips landed slowly but hungrily against his in a searing kiss that jolted every nerve-ending inside of his body. Bonnie pulled him in tighter and wrapped her arms entirely around his shoulders and whispered softly against his lips.
"Please stay."
He was full-on making out with her, within seconds, as his back landed against the wall and he probably would've cared about the possible concussion he got when he smacked into the wall any other day but right now, he was greedily lapping up every drop from her mouth, as Bonnie ripped his arms out of his jacket and kissed him so feverishly, he was sure he was about to explode just off of this alone.
But he needed this stop.
Damon tore his mouth away from hers and Bonnie breathed heavily as she watched him shake his head. He couldn't back up any further because he was against the wall so he walked past her and towards the door as Bonnie's hand smoothed against her neck.
She was flustered and eyeing him desperately as he was two seconds away from walking out the door.
And seemingly her life.
"If you walk away, Damon, I'm not coming after you," she said firmly and he stopped in his tracks, still faced towards the door, without turning back to look into her eyes. "I mean it. If you're done, then we are done. As friends, as everything else… I'm not Elena, you won't get another chance from me," she added pressing her lips shut to stop herself from crying.
Damon spun around at that and his eyes were glossy but he didn't say a word as Bonnie watched him, silently.
The quiet was so deafening you could hear a pin drop. She felt like she was going to throw up.
He moved in towards her and her breath stopped as he leaned down and grabbed his leather jacket off of the floor. Bonnie remained frozen when they stood just a hair away from one another, again, and he brushed his fingers lightly against her jaw before letting them drop to his side.
She felt a chill run up her spine, though she was somehow how burning up on the inside at the exact same time.
"I know… You're nothing like her. I knew that you wouldn't be," he said and Bonnie felt herself hyperventilating as she watched him walk out the door, the sound of it slamming echoing in her ears.
She took in a deep breath and wiped her eyes, but the tears just kept flowing, like a damn waterfall.
And the only thing she could think—the only thing she couldn't get out of her head—was the fact that maybe she loved him too.
And she probably should have said something about it.
A/N: hey y'all! So I apologize in advance if anyone hates me for this chapter lmao. But this story in Damon's characterization has moooostly revolves around his selfishness and how he's willing to have Bonnie at any cost. Perhaps even if it's a detriment to herself and I felt like it was time to address that. He loves her very, very much but Elena's words hurt him and made him rethink his actions (rightfully so). Thoughts on whether or not he did the right thing? And is Bonnie REALLY done with him? R/R and as always thank you sooooo very much for reading. It means the world! Xoxo