That's why I

Walk down memory lane

Cuz it's the only place

That you haven't left yet

-Memory Lane by Haley Joelle

April 2004, two years ago

"Today was fun!" Ben beamed at Toby. "Uncle Toby got me ice cream for lunch! I ate so much that I had a tummy ache!"

Sarah raised her eyebrows at that statement, her brother looking sheepish. "He did?"

"Yeah!" Ben pushed the plate of broccoli away. "Can I have ice cream for dinner?"

Normally, Sarah would respond with something like "no, you need to eat your dinner, at least a few bites" but her mind was in a whirl of worries at the moment.

She anxiously looked at the clock. Three hours past the time that Ethan should have been home.

She knew that as a paramedic, he was often kept longer at work than scheduled. Although, he wasn't supposed to be working his normal shift today. He was supposed to be at some conference and should have been back for a while now.

But even in the most dire of cases, he found a way to alert her of what was happening. He would ask a coworker to contact her to reassure her that he was going to talk to her later.

"Sarah?" Toby's voice brought her back to the present. His eyes were trying to convey calmness to her. "I'm sure that he'll call."

Still, that sinking feeling in her stomach didn't fade.

"I'm going to call Mandy," she said mostly to herself and stood up to find the phone.

Ben looked at Toby, a bit confused at his mother's sudden movements.

Toby scooped a bite of vegetables onto a fork. "Come on, bud. Take a bite with me! If we do, then maybe your mom will let us watch a movie together."

Ben reluctantly opened his mouth as Toby fed the both of them at the same time, both of them laughing.

Meanwhile, Sarah waited in the living room patiently for Mandy to pick up. Mandy was more Ethan's friend than hers since they worked together. Of all his coworkers, Mandy was the one who was most likely to call Sarah to bring any updates on Ethan.

"Hi Sarah!" Mandy answered the phone, her usual, cheery self.

"Hi Mandy," Sarah almost sighed with relief. If she sounded cheery, then it was a good sign. "Do you know where Ethan is?"

"Ethan?" Mandy sounded very confused. "He's not with you?"

"No..." Sarah felt her heart race. Where could he be? "I tried calling him and he didn't pick up. I assumed that he was busy."

"Oh." Mandy's voice was slowing down, a sign that she was thinking carefully before responding, as she usually did when working with patients. "Well, I'll let you know if something comes up, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Sarah nodded. "Thanks, Mandy."

"Don't mention it. I'll ask around and get back to you."

She paced around the living room. Automatically, her mind went to the darkest of places, like possible infidelity, and she mentally kicked herself for thinking such a thing about her sweet husband. It was true that they had been having a few issues that they needed to resolve (as much as any couple), but their love and affection were still there.

Besides, he wouldn't leave Ben waiting like this. If nothing else, he was an amazing father who would never keep his son waiting.

Small footsteps thumped behind her and then down the hallway. Another pair of larger footsteps, Toby's, came right behind her.

"Hey Sar," he cautiously came to stand next to her. "Any news on Ethan?"

She shook her head, not even turning her body to look at her brother. "No. I don't know where he could be. His coworker doesn't know, hopefully she'll answer back when she's asked other people. It's not like him to keep me waiting for this long. Usually he'll ask someone to send me a message if he can't himself."

"I'm sure it'll be okay," Toby offered a reassuring smile. "I'll go look after Ben and make sure he gets dressed for bed. He's setting up his toys for me to check out right now."

Sarah nodded gratefully. "Thanks, Tobes. I'll be there to tuck him in when it's time. I'm just giving Ethan's coworker a bit of time before she calls me back."

Another half hour passed, and her sister-in-law, Elena, called.

"How are you, Sarah?" Elena's voice sounded high pitch and uncharacteristically friendly, like she was trying to hide something.

Of all of Ethan's family, Sarah liked her the least. Elena always got what she wanted, being the youngest of the family and came off as incredibly phony.

Still, she was family. "Hi, Elena. I'm okay, what's up?"

She wondered why Elena didn't call Ethan. She never talked to Sarah directly through phone or text messages unless she was planning some sort of surprise birthday party for Ethan or something of that sort.

That sinking feeling in her stomach grew even larger.

Her words came out as a rush, as if she needed to relieve herself of the burden that they carried. "Sarah, the parents, they got a phone call about Ethan. He's at a hospital, there's been a terrible car crash. We should go and see him together."

Sarah had no idea how long she paused for. It was as if the whole world just stopped existing except for her thoughts centering around Ethan.

No no no. This couldn't be happening. He saved people from car crashes. He didn't get involved in one.

"Which hospital?" Sarah found her mouth automatically asking, her body on autopilot as her brain was still frozen in time.

"Just come to the family bakery, we'll go together," Elena said quickly.

"But-"

"Just meet me there, we can all go together."

And she hung up on Sarah.

All sorts of thoughts flew past her head. Was he conscious? Did he have a head injury? His limbs? Was he on a ventilator?

A bit later, Toby was driving her and Ben to Ethan's family's bakery that was currently owned by his parents and Elena. Sarah insisted on driving but seeing her shaky hands, Toby refused to let her be behind the wheel and told her to focus on Ben.

On the drive there, Sarah said a sort of silent prayer. Not directed at any specific deity, but to anyone or any energy that had the power to save Ethan.

Please, she prayed. Let him be okay. Please take ten, or even fifteen years from my lifespan if you need to. Don't take Ethan yet. He still has so much to live for. He saves people, he does so much more good in this world than I ever could. I love him more than anything and I need him with me. Please.

When they got to the family bakery, Sarah marched in there, still unable to believe that Elena would just hang up on her like that.

Going straight to the office, she slammed her hand on the door multiple times. "Let me in!"

Ben was falling asleep on Toby's shoulder, so sleepy that he was only slightly shaken by his mother practically smashing the door in front of them.

"Sarah!"

They turned around and saw Elena, eyes wide.

"You fucking tell me right now where the hell my husband is!" Sarah screamed at her sister-in-law, not giving a fuck about looking pissed in front of the customers who were picking out pastries. "You hung up on me and didn't call back! Then you canceled every single call I tried to make to you. I need to know!"

"Sarah! Language in front of the child!"

Her mother-in-law, Carol, came to stand next to Elena. She quickly greeted Toby then took her grandson in her arms, patting his back and kissing his forehead. Ben sleepily hugged Carol, yawning a little.

"I don't care," Sarah seethed at her in-laws. "I want to know where Ethan is and I don't appreciate being lead on a wild goose chase to come here instead of the hospital where he's at. I need to know where he is and to speak with him!"

Carol's eyes got large as she looked at Sarah. Then back at her daughter. "Elena, you didn't tell her?"

Elena, for the first time since Sarah knew her, looked down in shame. She had no idea that Elena was even capable of shame.

"TELL ME WHAT?!" Sarah demanded, her green eyes aflame with pure fury.

Carol held Ben even tighter, tears falling from her eyes. "Sarah... Ethan was in a car crash... it was fatal."

Her brain couldn't comprehend what that meant. "Wait, what?"

"He's dead," Elena said slowly and calmly. "He was driving and-"

Present Day

She woke up, sobbing uncontrollably. Realizing where she was, Sarah forced herself to get out of bed and get a glass of water from the kitchen, finding that it was still dark out.

"Oh my god," she clutched her head, groaning and her heart beating faster than any amount of caffeine had done to her. "When will it stop?"

She hadn't had a nightmare involving Ethan in over a year now. When he first died, the trauma kept replaying in her mind in the form of nightmares to the point that she couldn't stand sleeping. Finding out that he died was one thing, reliving it was another. This one felt so real, so vividly clear as if she was truly there once more.

After Elena had uttered those horrible words, she blacked out. The next thing Sarah knew, she was laying on a couch, the nearest surface to her. She would find out later that Toby caught her and lifted her to said couch.

She would then find out that her in-laws knew that Ethan had died hours before they even called her, unable to process the news themselves. The reason they were notified first was because Ethan had a business card from the family bakery in his wallet. The EMTs had tried to call Sarah first but Ethan didn't write down her number down, having memorized it already. His cell phone had been broken so they couldn't track her that way.

The next few weeks were a blur. She identified Ethan's body, went to his funeral, tried to do the paperwork needed when someone died, took time off for herself, all while trying to take care of her son.

Ben didn't understand what it meant for his father to die. He kept asking her when he would be home and Sarah couldn't even bring herself to say that Ethan was dead. She knew that it made a horrible impact on Ben, something she would always feel guilty of. She should have been there to help him cope instead of constantly going through denial with him. If it wasn't for his preschool teachers and friends, he might not be as well-adjusted as he was.

Weeks turned into months, then years. Everyone was sympathetic to her, but they told her that life keeps going even if his stopped. That the world was still spinning.

This always enraged her. Their lives kept on going, but her's and Ethan's lives revolved around each other. They made a vow, 'till death do them part.

Maybe the world kept on spinning, but her world didn't. Until it was their turn to have the front seat at a funeral, until they came to a home and looked at the empty chair at the dining table, until they sat on the floor and took his clothes from the closet to hug while screaming, they would never truly understand just how devastating it was to lose someone.

Her emotions were difficult for others to understand. She would always love Ethan, no doubts about that. Love was something that ran deeper than romance. It was the kindness and moments they lived through together.

Sighing, Sarah slid down the wall until she was sitting on the cold floor. She looked to the wedding band on her ring finger, a constant reminder of the love that they shared. The cold metal was a horrible substitute for his warm embrace. "I miss you," she said to it.

She missed his companionship. His comfort. His love for their son. She thought with unexpected realization that she missed the romance a lot less than everything else. Still, Sarah was sure that there wasn't a human man in the whole world that could measure up to Ethan in her eyes. Ethan was the only one she had seriously considered marriage and having a child with. The only man that she really, really loved.

Suddenly, an image of a gorgeous man with large hair and strange eyes flashed before her. His lips and eyes painted, hands coming to hold her waist and spin her around. His lips were moving, singing her a song. His face burned deeply in her mind's eye, so clear and so precise that she couldn't forget it.

Sarah gasped, shivering a bit from the intensity. "Great, now I'm hallucinating."

Outwardly, her life seemed to be doing well. She was teaching and getting back to performing. Ben was doing well. Toby was living with them.

Inwardly, there was a lot of unresolved issues. Having disconnected from her mother and lost husband, Sarah had a difficult time accepting help from anyone. She also had a fear of abandonment, with her mother moving away after her parents' divorce and with Karen joining the family, taking her father's attention off her to and to his new wife and son instead.

Even though she didn't feel bitterness or resentment anymore towards her own family, she still felt sad all the damn time.

"I'm such a fraud," she groaned. "Why do I feel this way? I'm fine. My life is fine. Yes I miss Ethan but I'm fine. So why do I keep thinking about pain from the past?"

Feeling overwhelmed by her own feelings, Sarah put her face in her knees and sobbed quietly. With each tear, the pain lessened just a little, feeling lighter as she allowed herself to express how she felt.

"I just want to be happy," she mumbled. Leaning back, she looked at the ceiling, thinking that she really needed therapy and was going to schedule an appointment as soon as she could.

"Mommy?"

Sarah jumped, seeing Ben walk into view, wearing his Lego pajamas and rubbing his sleepy eyes. "Mommy, why are you on the floor?"

"Hi honey," Sarah quickly wiped her tears, getting up. "I just came out here for some water and am a bit tired. I'm fine, don't worry about me. Why are you awake?"

"I don't know," he rubbed his eyes, carrying a newly stuffed Lancelot with his other hand, making Sarah smile. "Can you read me a story?"

Sarah looked at the clock. "It's kind of late now, sweetie. Maybe tomorrow?"

"Okay," he nodded with disappointment.

Such an agreeable child, much like his father. Sarah herself certainly wasn't so agreeable at that age. Or any age, really.

After tucking him in, Sarah lingered a moment longer, playing with his hair. "I love you, Ben." If nothing else, Ethan gave her their son. The sweetest, greatest gift that she could have ever gotten. Without Ben, she wasn't sure if she would even be alive today. Because of him, she kept on fighting for her life to make sure that he was taken care of.

"I love you too, Mommy," he said, clutching Lancelot to his chest.

Settling into her own bed, Sarah fell back to sleep, hoping that she would have enough energy to face the day.

"You look like shit," Toby said with his mouth full of cereal.

"I have a lot to do and a raging headache," she grumbled. "Let's see," Sarah looked at her checklist for today. "Go to the bank, get some groceries, buy music books for a new student, call the in-laws to remind them about Ben's school Halloween event but don't expect them to actually come, make sure to get a million things of coffee-"

She stopped suddenly, clutching her head as a migraine came on.

"You okay?" Toby asked after swallowing.

"Yeah, I'm cool. Fucking migraines," she cursed. "I didn't sleep well last night."

He swallowed the cereal. "Why?"

"Nightmare."

"About?"

"I don't want to talk about it," she said firmly. "Thanks for asking though," she added, feeling bad for being so short with him.

Toby watched her pace around a few times. "Do you want me to get groceries today?" He asked carefully.

"Can you, actually?" Sarah looked relieved, no longer pacing. "We have enough for the weekend but it's best to do it now. You sure it won't cut into your studying time?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Toby reassured her. "Just give me a list."

"I'm still working on it." Sarah opened the fridge to see what they actually had at home. "We have enough coffee to last through tomorrow."

Toby wrote that down. "Coffee, check. Adding heavy cream to that list for myself since you don't like it. Ethan showed me that."

A small smile graced Sarah's lips, and a pang of pain pierced her heart. "That's right. He takes his coffee like that."

Toby cleared his throat, speaking with a deeper tone to mimic his late brother-in-law. "'None of that artificial coffee creamers for me. Heavy cream is the best way to go with straight up black coffee.' I've been doing it ever since he introduced it to me."

"He really adored you," Sarah said wistfully. "You hated pretty much all of my boyfriends until him."

"Well, yeah." Toby shrugged. "None of them played with me or cared. Ethan did and he didn't do it to impress you. He did it because he's just that cool. I think of him from time to time. I miss him."

"That's very sweet." Sarah poured coffee for herself. It was comforting to think that someone besides her and Ben felt Ethan's impact. "I think he'd want to hear that."

Toby observed his sister. When she was younger, he saw her as this beautiful, vibrant, and sophisticated adult who could do anything. To an extent, he still felt that way about her, but he could see how she had been worn down over the years. He wished he could do more for her, but it was hard to know what to say to her when he knew that Ethan's loss hit her harder than it hit him. He hesitated, thinking cautiously on what to say to comfort her. "I know you lost a husband and Ben a father, so you two got hit the hardest. But I love him too. He called me his brother and he meant it."

Sarah came to hug him, thinking about the one they loved and lost. "He loved you, Tobes." She looked up to the ceiling, laughing dryly. "Damn it Ethan, you left so many people who love you behind."

"Yeah Ethan," Toby joined in with her, looking up and flipping his middle finger at the ceiling. "What the fuck, man?"

Sarah was now truly laughing, wiping the tear from the corners of her eyes. "I gotta finish this list."

A few minutes later, Ben came, sitting down to eat his breakfast. "What are you doing, Uncle Toby?"

"Just helping your mom make a list," he said, starting to sing. "And checking it twice, I'm gonna find out who's naughty and nice-"

"No!" Sarah pointed the pen at him. "No Christmas songs right now! It's not even Halloween yet."

"Santa Claus is coming to town!" Ben finished for Toby.

"Keep this up and I'm eating all your halloween candy." Sarah checked over the list. "List looks good to me."

"Jokes on you!" Toby snatched the list from her. "I'm going to buy twenty pounds of candy myself from the store because I'm an adult!"

"Share some with me?" Ben pleaded with large eyes.

"You two are going to be the end of me," Sarah shook her head, snorting. "Okay, eat fast because Ben, I have to drop you off at kindergarten and get a bunch of stuff done."

One day at a time, was what her father told her. She would take this a minute at a time until she could hopefully get some rest.

That night

Unable to sleep, Ben got out of bed and picked up the book Uncle Toby had read to him earlier. The book without pictures.

"The L-," he started, then gave up. The word was too big for him to sound out. He went back to his bed, still holding the book.

There was magic in this book, he could feel it. Maybe, if the princess in the book made a wish, he could make a wish too.

"I wish the Goblin King can come say hello."

He waited patiently, believing with all his heart that the Goblin King would come.

A sound he could only describe as magic filled his ears, sparkling lights in the middle of the room. As the sparkling lights came together, a figure of a man slowly became more and more opaque until he stood before him, tall and formidable.

Ben looked at him with wide eyes with complete and utter awe.

"I haven't had such a simple wish in decades," the man said with a voice as deep and as commanding as Ben had thought he would sound.

The king went down on one knee next to him as to talk to him on his level. "Why did you summon me, young one? It can't just be for a hello."

Ben thought that he should be scared of his large eye-markings, high collared cape, pointy ears, and big hair, but he felt no fear. Even though this man was a stranger, and he wasn't supposed to talk to strangers. "Do you answer every wish?"

The king said nothing for a moment. "No, not every wish. But you, your wish was very sincere so I came to see."

Ben had a feeling that there was more to it by the way he stopped speaking so suddenly. But he didn't want to push him. "Can you make someone happy?"

The king never blinked the whole time he was studying Ben, especially right into his eyes. Ben wondered if this was some sort of test, so he just kept staring at the man.

"Who do you want me to make happy?"

"My Mommy," Ben said, still thinking of the way he caught her sitting on the kitchen floor, hugging her legs together. "She smiles a lot but I know she's sad sometimes."

The king smiled softly at him. "I am always amazed at the amount of kindness such a small person can have. And perception. Why do you think she's sad?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "Maybe because Daddy died? But that was a long time ago. I know she misses him, like I miss him."

The smile didn't falter, but his eyes got sadder. "You lost your father?"

"Yeah."

A bit of silence. "I'm terribly sorry to hear that."

Ben sighed. "Why does everyone say that? They didn't make him die."

The man chuckled. "Well, to answer your original question, I can't make someone happy by magic, which is what I assume you meant when you asked."

"Please?" Ben's voice broke. He threw his blanket off and reached over to the framed photo on his night stand. "That's Mommy, Daddy, and me."

The king took the photo, studying it carefully. His eyes scrunched together and his finger reached out to trace his mommy's face. "Sarah…"

Was Ben imagining it, or did the man stop breathing for a moment after that?

"You know her?" Ben looked at him with wide eyes.

"Briefly," he muttered. "I'm afraid I can't help you. I have no power over her."

Ben felt his heart break. His lips trembled and tears came to his eyes. "But… you have magic. Why don't you want to help her?"

"Oh, dear child," The king reached over to wipe Ben's tears away with his gloved thumb. "I cannot give anyone happiness by magic, that's not how it works."

Ben found that the man was very close to him, so close that he could see that his eyes seemed to be two different colors. "Can you help? She has bad dreams. I heard her tell Uncle Toby."

At the mention of his uncle, The King looked at him sharply. "Toby? He must be an adult by now. How time flies." He put his gloved hand to his mouth in thought. "You mentioned dreams. There is a loophole I could exploit…"

Ben didn't understand a lot of the big words that he just used, but it seemed promising. "You can give her nice dreams?"

"Yes, I can replace her bad dreams with good dreams. But only if she accepts them."

Ben lunged at him, giving him the biggest hug that he could give. "Thank you."

Stunned, the king slowly put his arms around Ben. "You're very welcome."

Ben pulled apart first, laying down in his bed.

"You don't want a wish for yourself?" The King asked, looking surprised.

"No, I'm happy," Ben said in reply. "I have lots of friends and toys. And Uncle Toby and Mommy."

He smiled down on the child, looking at the alarm clock. "You need sleep." Creating a crystal, he blew on it, little bubbles surrounding Ben's head, lulling him to sleep.

"Goodnight, Goblin King," Ben said sleepily.

"You can call me Jareth, if you'd like."

"Okay, Mister Jareth…" Ben's eyes closed. "I'm Benjamin."

The low chuckle made Ben smile again. "Sleep well, Benjamin."

When my dad passed, my mom had very similar things happen to her as Sarah. A lot of people offered support in the beginning, but she was so win shock, she didn't know what to say or to ask. People didn't understand, and that's okay. But there were things said to her like "it's not the end of the world." Well, it was for me. I was four, my whole world were my parents. When my dad died, a huge chunk of my world fell apart. We as a society need to do better in offering resources for those who are grieving a death.

The scene of Toby talking about how Ethan takes his coffee is inspired by my mom and her brother. Recently, my uncle and her were chatting about coffee and he takes it the way my dad did. My mom said it felt nice to hear from her brother that he thinks of my dad years later.

The nightmare/memory Sarah had of Ethan dying from a car crash is not too dissimilar to what happened to my mom. A lot of it here was made up but the part about his family being informed first and Sarah fainting is what happened to my mom (and being told to meet his family at a specific location that's not the hospital). It's a horrible way to find out. My mom was in denial after he died as Sarah is here, and I don't blame her one bit for it but it did make it difficult for me to comprehend what had happened. That'll be a theme in this fic, we do our best but occasionally fuck up because life is hard. We have to give each other and ourselves grace, to take responsibility too.

I used to work at a daycare/preschool with kids aged 1-5 and babysat kids those ages until maybe 10 or 11, so I'm pretty sure I got Ben's character down right lol. Children can often be really, really self-centered but they're much more empathetic than adults usually give them credit for. The scene with Jareth and Ben was one of the first scenes I wrote for this story.

Thank you again for reading, I hope you enjoyed seeing Jareth pop in this chapter! He'll be making more of an appearance for sure!