When I live my dream, I'll take you with me

Riding on a golden horse

We'll live within my castle, with people there to serve you

Happy at the sound of your voice

-When I Live My Dream by David Bowie

Sarah looked down at her light blue, Celtic dress. On her head was a crown of tiny white flowers, golden butterflies tending to them. Without looking in a mirror, she knew that she would be described as beautiful by anyone who saw her.

Sitting on the grass, she strummed her mother's guitar. Linda had wanted to learn how to play but never did and passed it on to Sarah who didn't know how to play either.

But, anything was possible in dreams.

All she had to do was think of a song she wanted to play and her fingers did the rest. The airy music wafted over the wild flowers, harmonizing with the birds and all of nature. A beautiful peach tree gave her shade, flittering in the warm breeze.

She turned, still strumming, seeing the Goblin King next to her. He certainly hadn't been there before, but she got the feeling that he had been listening the whole time. Had she been awake, Sarah would have eyed him with extreme caution at the very least. In this dream, she felt safe. Unharmed, even happy to have him here.

He gave her a pleasant smile, opening his mouth to sing along with her playing. His voice was deep, low, and haunting. She almost stopped to listen to him, realizing that his words were in an ancient language.

Without understand the actual words, she could feel the lyrics of love and sadness creep in. Of desire and despair. Destiny and freedom. Dreams and reality. Delirium and sanity. Destruction and creation.

Of life and death.

His song came from the heart, of all the hearts of those who have lived, stilling living, and will live. It was, quite simply, magical.

Sarah woke up feeling refreshed. Refreshed, but concerned.

"I'm glad I'm seeing that therapist today," she said to no one in particular.

The face of the Goblin King was a hallucination she had seen in her mind since she was sixteen years old. In a fit of rage, she had wished Toby away to the goblins and somehow her mind created this insane story of her running a shape-shifting labyrinth to save her brother.

It couldn't have been real. She tried to call for her friends, but no one answered. Looking around in her room, Sarah saw stuffed animals she had created as a child that resembled the creatures in the labyrinth. Well, she thought of them and drew it up while her mother sewed them up for her, one of the few sweet things Linda did for her. She had a labyrinth marble-game thing that her dad had gotten her. Dwarf book ends that looked like Hoggle. She even had created a Goblin King figurine and had that music box from her grandmother that resembled the one she wore in the crystal dream.

She chalked it up to her vivid imagination, but it didn't explain why she was having these thoughts now. Perhaps the pain of grief and current frustrations with her in-laws sent her mind to a safe space she had created for herself. After all, who wouldn't want to have the attention of a dashing, bad-boy Goblin King?

She got ready for the day, the foam from toothpaste in her mouth still when she pointed at her own reflection. "Get your shit together, Sarah. You can do this. You can find happiness and not just bits and pieces of it. You deserve to be happy. You work hard for your family and for your students. Call that therapist and get your life working in this new normal."

"New" was relative, considering that Ethan had been dead for two years, but fuck it, life sucked sometimes and she was going to give herself a chance.

Toby groaned, getting up from the couch. He really should have just gone to his room last night to sleep after those drinks. "I'm too tall to sleep like this."

"Baby big now!"

Toby froze, unsure if he really heard that. He tried to fumble around for his glasses quietly but ended up knocking over a bottle of beer instead.

"Good catch!" The voice snickered.

He stood up, regretting it instantly due to the hangover he was having. Holding the beer bottle like a baseball bat, he squinted at the direction of the voice. "Show yourself!"

A small creature roughly the size of his nephew came from behind the TV, standing in front of him. It had leathery skin, a disproportionate face, large mouth, and wearing strange clothing that looked like it was supposed to be armor but was terrible at covering him up.

Whatever Toby was expecting, it definitely wasn't that. Still hungover, his unfiltered mouth said "you're really short."

"Eh?" The creature said, put its hand on its head. "I is no short! I is tallest in me family!"

"What do you want?" Toby still hadn't let go of the beer bottle.

The little creature didn't seem deterred by him. "You gots food?"

It went to the kitchen, opening the fridge and yanking things onto the floor, like the jar of olives. It crashed, splattering everywhere. "Gah!"

"Hey, enough of that!" Toby went to clean it up, but tripped on Ben's firetruck toys, his knee colliding with the floor. "Ah!"

"Toby?" Sarah called from the hallway.

"Oh no, gots to go!" The creature stepped on the broken glass, seemingly not feeling any pain. It picked up the scattered olives and plopped it in its mouth, sticking more in its pockets. "Thanks, Baby!"

"Baby? The fuck?" Toby groaned, liking the cold floor now that he was here.

He vaguely heard Sarah exclaiming in surprise as she went to shake him. "Toby!"

"I'm okay," he slurred.

"Did you hit your head?" She went to check him but he shook his head, groaning again at the room spinning.

"No, just hungover," he reassured her. Last night, he went to a party at his friend's house, knowing that he had one class today, and he was definitely skipping it as he already finished his paper for it. It seemed like a great idea at the time.

The raging hangover told him otherwise.

"God damn it," she swore, seeing the broken glass and juice. "Uh uh, you're too hungover. Don't help me or you'll cut yourself."

"Sorry about the mess," he said groggily.

"It's okay, just be careful next time." She got a paper towel and wiped the floor. "That's just one less beer bottle for us to drink, that's all."

"It's olives, not beer," he said, rubbing his eyes, gratefully accepting the glass of water his sister gave her. "A small, what's the word? Creature? Yeah, creature. It went to eat some olives and dropped the glass."

Poor Toby, he must be way more tired than he thought he was if he was seeing things, Sarah thought to herself. "You should go back to bed, try to sleep this off before your class today." Sarah finished cleaning and gave him a gatorade. "To replenish your electrolyte loss."

"You know, my friends told me that soup is the best hangover cure," he slurred. "Maybe I can go and eat some of that awesome pho. I won't drive, I'll take the bus."

"You are not going to leave this house," she warned him. "But pho sounds good. I'll get some after dropping Ben off, can you wait until then? Have some snacks while you're waiting."

"G'Night Sarah," he said, walking to his bedroom and face-planted onto his pillow.

Sarah shook her head, laughing at the memory of herself in college. She was definitely worse when it came to hangovers and late nights partying. Although, she was still a fantastic student so it all worked out.

After getting Ben to school, she bought some pho for herself and Toby. That was the benefit of living in Seattle, having amazing foods from many different cultures nearby.

Toby, with a thick blanket wrapped around himself and looking a little less hungover, gratefully had some pho. "I had the craziest dream. Or hallucination."

"That makes two of us," Sarah said. "What about?"

"Oh, there was this creature, like I said earlier." He readjusted his glasses, glad he could see clearly now. "It called me a baby and wanted some food. I must have knocked over the glass of olives or something."

"Weird, I didn't see any olives on the floor," Sarah commented, putting in bean sprouts in her soup.

"Eh, maybe it was a beer bottle," Toby relented, feeling like the idea was the most reasonable. "I think I just dreamed it, imagination and all. You know, I was reading your old book to Ben and he's asked for it every night."

"Which one?"

"The Labyrinth."

Sarah paused. "Oh."

"What?"

She thought of how much she had believed that the world she created in her mind was real. What a coincidence that Toby would bring it up. "Oh nothing, it's just that I haven't read it in years. Continue."

"Yeah, he loves the story. Like mother, like son I guess." He grinned teasingly. "He's especially interested in the Goblin King and tells me that he's visited him before, and some other colorful goblins and such too."

Ah, that explained it. Maybe that was why Sarah was dreaming about the Goblin King. Maybe she subconsciously heard Toby reading the story to Ben and that's why those memories came back.

"Anyway, I'm going back to bed now." Toby yawned. "See ya later."

"What about class?" She called after him.

"I'll be fine!" He yelled, wincing at the throbbing pain radiating in his skull. "Attendance is optional!"

Ben was having a lot of fun during recess. Some days, he played with his friends just fine. Other times, he liked to play by himself.

Well, not totally by himself. He played with the goblins. He randomly met them one day and never questioned where they came from or why. Just that they were nice to him and seemed to be his size, so they were his friends now.

"Hi Evie!" Ben called after the little goblin.

"Hi Ben! Lookie what I got!" She gave him a small, oval-shaped thing.

Ben recognized it after a moment. "An olive? It's all smushed up."

"Iglepus put it in his pocket," Evie explained, as if that was all to it. "Do you want to eat?"

"No thanks, I don't like olives," Ben said, giving it back to her. "You want my snacks? I have a pretzel."

"Oh boy!" Evie grinned. "It's so good! I want more! We don't have them Underground."

"Okay, you can have these then." Ben gave the rest of them to his friend. He wanted more pretzels, but maybe he can ask for more at home.

The bell rang, and Ben waved to Evie. "Bye Evie! I'll see you later!"

Underground, Goblin Kingdom

Evie passed some of the pretzels to the other goblins as they were singing their national song about ale.

In honor of the new snack, they started a new verse.

And pretzels are so good

I like to eat

And drink ale!

AYYYYYYYY!

It didn't rhyme or make sense, but at least it was in words.

The King of Goblins had his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What's this about pretzels?"

"Evie gave us pretzels!" Blaggerspout yelled out, swinging a jug of ale. "From Aboveground!"

He raised and eyebrow. "You went Aboveground? But there isn't a child wished away."

"He's very nice, Kingy," Evie said with a large smile, hoping that the larger she smiled, the less angry he would be. She wasn't sure why he would be angry, but he didn't make much sense most of the time. Laugh, shut up, sing, don't sing, he was very confusing sometimes. "His name is Ben."

"Ben, did you say?" He looked very interested in this. "You visited him?"

"Yeah," she nodded, glad he wasn't mad. "I just felt like visiting."

He created a crystal looking into it. "Interesting. I'll have to look and see why you feel this way…"

Sarah sat at the kitchen table by herself, enjoying the quiet sound of the clocks in the background with Toby or Ben there. The first time enjoying silence in a very long time.

She opened the notebook, thinking about her time with her therapist earlier that day.

"It's nice to meet you, Sarah," Rachel, her new therapist had greeted warmly. "How are you today?"

Sarah fidgeted, the anxiety starting to sink in. "I'm okay, thank you. I'm not really sure what to do or say."

"That's okay," Rachel said, not at all bothered or phased. "I want you to feel comfortable here with me. This is a judgement free zone. How about I introduce myself?"

Sarah nodded, feeling better that Rachel was taking the lead. There was something almost motherly or sisterly about her. She had a natural way of keeping her calm when all Sarah wanted was to bolt out the door.

After Rachel finished an introduction about her being an oldest sibling, why she wanted to be a therapist (to be a healer of the mind), and enjoying hobbies like martial arts, it was Sarah's turn.

Sarah told her about her divorced parents. Her status as a single child until Toby but how she grew to love him, to shed her bratty ways. How she wanted to change the world by bringing music into homes. How she met Ethan and had Ben. Rachel didn't just listen or scribbled on her clipboard, but truly listened to her and laughed at the silly stories she would tell, or offered her tissues when she recounted how Ethan died.

It felt good to tell her life story with someone who was willing to listen all the way through. Without worries of how this would affect her future relationship with that person.

"I'm ready to take my life back," Sarah said, though with less confidence than she wanted. "I want to find who I was before, but I can't seem to. I know that I'm more than just a sad widow. I just feel so drained, with none of the energy I used to have when I was younger. How can you change the world when you're worrying about trying to keep your own family sane? I tied my identity as Ethan's wife for so long, him being ripped from me has been a shock that's lasted for two years."

Rachel gave her an encouraging smile. "Perhaps, you have a bit of a disconnect between what you know and what you believe."

Sarah didn't understand. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you know that you are more than a few labels plastered on you." She started to write on the board. "You say people see you in labels like musician, mother, wife then widow, daughter, sister, etc." she pointed to each word. "You know that you are more than that, that you are full of dreams and ambitions. But you seem to be working really hard to believing and feeling that's true."

Sarah thought about it for a moment. "Maybe. I haven't really felt much of anything since Ethan died. I felt really numb with flashes of emotions, unless they're really depressing ones but even those have been dampened over time."

"That's completely normal, it's your body and mind trying to protect you from the pain you're going through," Rachel said wisely. "What helps you to not feel so numb? Take your time."

Sarah thought about it for a moment. "Playing music helps. I gravitate towards familiar things like books I love. When I spend time with my son or brother as of late, it's been really nice. Or when I'm actively doing something, I suppose. It's those quiet moments that I start to slip back to feeling dark."

It wasn't until she said the last sentence that she realized it was true. When she was busy, she could focus on those things. When left to the echoes of her mind, she started to spiral into sadness and self-destruction. "I'm not really able to live with myself. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking at a stranger when I see reflection of myself, a stranger that's been living with me too long. What happened to the Sarah who used to reach for the stars and was blissfully happy? But then, was I really blissfully happy or do I only think that because I'm sad now?"

Rachel nodded, handing her a tissue. "You speak about trying to find your old self. Do you think that maybe instead of trying to find the Old Sarah, you can meet who you are now? And then you can move forward to who you want to be. Perhaps then, maybe you can look back on your old self objectively instead of subjectively."

"But how do I do that?"

"Have you ever kept a journal?" Rachel asked. "Those can help. I can give you some prompts, just a little at a time if you can. I know sometimes it can be really hard to do when you feel overwhelmed."

"I'll try," she said, hoping that she would be able to remember. "I feel simultaneously useless but also responsible for my son's life."

"You are allowed to exist without accomplishing anything, you know." Rachel put down her pen and clipboard. "You don't have a specific life purpose or mission outside of just being happy to be alive. Our society places so much importance on that, grilling in us about our jobs needing to fulfill some higher role. While it can certainly be that way, it's fine to also enjoy the little things. By simply existing, you deserve to be happy."

She got out a notebook for Sarah. "When you get home, write down little things that make you feel happy and focus on them. That includes things about yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Healing and progressing isn't a linear thing. Sometimes we backtrack. Be kind to yourself, you've been through a lot."

Her mind turned back to the notebook in front of her on the kitchen table. She took out her pen and started to write the little things that made her happy. She wrote names of her loved ones first. Then objects that made her smile, like her piano or her books.

The list evolved into her experiences, like walking outside when it just finished raining. The sight of beautiful evergreens mixed with orange deciduous trees during fall.

She wrote about herself, even if it took her a while. She loved her imagination. She liked the way she could get things done on time. She liked that even when she made mistakes, she did her best to fix them. She liked that she introduced Mister Rogers to Toby and Ben. She liked how she chose her husband, and married him because their lives were happier together than apart. She liked that she could be happy independent as well.

She looked at the list and smiled. Perhaps she wasn't whole yet, but she was getting there.

If you've read my story Jareth and the Spider From Earth, you'll find that these goblins are the same ones that were in that story! I figure, why not? I created them so I'll reuse them lol.

Sometimes, when we go through difficult times, we need a professional to give us a nudge in the right direction. To help us figure out what's going inside of us. Our brains need healing too.

Also, pho is a wonderful cure for hangovers or just a warm bowl of soup when you're cold. If you ever get a chance to have authentic pho, please do! I'm sure you'll like it and if not, at least you'd have tried it lol.

This therapist scenes is inspired by two things: the Lucifer show with Dr. Linda Martin and Lore Olympus where Persephone seeks counseling. The therapist is named Rachel after the actress for Linda, Rachel Harris, in Lucifer. I really want Sarah to do what she can to get better, and I know it's difficult because depending on where you live, getting mental health help can be unaffordable or there's a lot of stigma attached to it. I hope that all of you can do what you can to take care of yourselves, even if it's just following therapists on social media for tips. Sarah pointing at her reflection is absolutely inspired by Lore Olympus where hades does the same thing to himself lol.