"Healing isn't a linear process. It blooms and wilts as our seasons in life change. There will be moments when the only option is to start from scratch. Begin as many times as you need to."
-Alex Elle
"I hate sixteenth notes," Abi groaned. "They're just so fast!"
"It's okay, take a deep breath," Sarah said gently to her student. "You don't have to do it that fast. Maybe listen to a recording of the song to get the rhythm right. No biggie. Let's try again."
Abi took a deep breath as instructed and played the passage again, her fingers flying through the piano keys.
"That's it!" Sarah beamed. "You got it! Just keep working on it and by the time your recital comes around, you'll do wonderfully."
"Thank you, Miss Williams," Abi said with gratitude and pride.
Days like these were why Sarah did what she did. Abi was one of her students who did not have a piano at home or money to pay for lessons. Even if she stopped playing in a few years, at least she had the chance to try it out.
Come to think of it, she was having a pretty good day overall. Her week, really. She hadn't had a migraine or a nightmare since that day she last dreamt of Ethan's death. Sarah got the distinct feeling that she had nice dreams, but couldn't remember what they even were besides the one about the Goblin King singing as she played guitar.
Oh well. She couldn't complain too much.
Feeling energized, she put in her Best of Bowie album, singing loudly to Rebel Rebel. In that moment, everything was right. No red lights, no burdens of reality crashing down on her. Just pure joy.
These were the moments she vowed to live for. No matter the tragedies of her life.
Reaching Ben's school, she quickly did her makeup in the car, putting on black lipstick and a small swirl under her eye. Donning a black leather jacket, boots, a black belt, a silver ankh around her neck, and a top hat, she felt quite bold.
For Ben's school activity, some children from his class would show off their Halloween art and eat snacks together. For this Halloween, Sarah opted to go as one of her favorite comic book characters, Death of the Endless from Neil Gaiman's The Sandman comics. The perfect character to dress up as for Halloween.
She found Toby and went into the classroom together, finding Ben's pretzel statue and the different crafts that the whole class made. He excitedly showed everything to her, from the reading corner to his folders in front. He showed off his friends' art as well, bringing in the other parents to meet his mother and uncle.
"Mommy?" He tugged on Sarah's sleeve at one point, seeing a friend's grandparent oohed and aahed over the candy corn dinosaur he made. "Where are Grandma and Grandpa? Will they come?"
Sarah sighed. She purposefully kept from Ben that his grandparents were invited just in case they didn't come. But it was hard to when other kids had their grandparents come to support them. "I don't know, Benny. I don't think so. Maybe next time you can call them to invite them?"
"Okay," he said, but he didn't look particularly convinced.
Near the tail-end of the party (which was also the end of school), Toby spotted Carol and Allen, Sarah's parents-in-law.
"You came!" Ben ran to hug them.
Toby flipped them off behind his back, only for Sarah to see. She snickered, glad that at least she had her brother on her side.
"Yeah, we heard about it so of course we came!" Allen picked Ben up. "Let's go to my house to have some food, your aunts, uncles, and cousins are all there."
"But I want to show you my art!" Ben shouted with disappointment.
"Another time, honey," Carol said absently.
"Hello," Sarah said with as much sweetness as possible, before her head exploded. Why show up if they weren't even going to give a damn about Ben's art?
"Hi Sarah." Allen came to give her an obligatory hug. "Toby."
"Hey." Toby gave them a small wave. "Umm, who's waiting and where?"
"At our house. We're hosting dinner there now," Carol replied. "Come on, let's go."
"I wasn't aware of a dinner until now." Sarah walked after them. After Ethan died, they hardly paid attention to her and Ben. It was exhausting to always be the one planning events for them. They cared more for Ethan's sisters than they did Sarah and Ben. When she needed them most, they more or less abandoned her. Even when she begged for help.
"I know." Carol's voice was clipped. "Pam told us to remember to get you guys."
Pam was Ethan's oldest sister, who could be annoyingly overbearing at times but Sarah still cared for her more than the rest of her family. At least she knew that Pam had a good heart. It was a shame that she lived so far from them where she couldn't visit them regularly.
Sarah forced back a retort about how pathetic it was that Pam, who lived an ocean apart from them, had to be the one to remind Carol and Allen that Sarah and Ben still existed. Instead, Sarah tried to speak so that Ben wouldn't overhear them and said "Ben is really proud of his artwork. Can you guys just go and take a look at it? You're already here."
"We're already late, don't make us more late," Carol snapped at her.
Allen didn't say anything, going along with his wife.
Sarah was about to tell them "fuck it" and leave but Ben pipped up and asked "Will there be dessert?"
"Of course, sweetie!" Carol took his hand. "Plenty for you!"
Toby came up next to Sarah, still wearing his Halloween costume. "I have a fake sword I can accidentally use if you need."
The corner of her mouth twitched. "Careful, I might take you up on that offer."
It was a bit odd, seeing as Sarah and Toby were the only adults dressed up but Sarah refused to change to make it less weird. It was Spooky Season and damn it, she looked hot in this get up.
Meanwhile, Toby was hanging out with the kids. He always felt more comfortable around kids than most adults unless they were his age. Kids were always funny and excited to share things with sincerity. Ben was showing off his lightsaber to his cousins, the star of the show.
"Hey, Death!" Greg approached Sarah with an excited smile. "Ethan introduced me to those comic books."
Besides Pam, Greg was probably Ethan's family member that Sarah liked the most. He was most quiet than everyone else, not really getting involved in drama or anything like that. He went along with the flow, which could be a bad thing at times, but Sarah still found him friendly enough to get along with. She enjoyed seeing him light up and come out of his shell a bit. As Ethan's older brother, less than two years apart in age, they had been close as children, and she wanted to respect that closeness.
Sarah took off her top hat and gave an exaggerated bow. "I'm the one who introduced the comics to him. I'm glad you read them."
"They're really neat," Greg agreed.
"Careful, Ben!" Carol called as he nearly knocked over a fancy glass vase. "You're swinging too fast!"
"Hey, remember when Aunt Elena almost knocked over that vase in Canada two years ago because she was swinging a baseball bat?" Amy, one of the older children, laughed.
"Canada?" Sarah and the other adults joined the group, not seeing Greg pale at that moment. "I didn't realize you guys went to Canada."
Amy's eyes went wide, but before she could say anything else, her younger sister Mary blurted out "Yeah! We had so much fun! Everyone went! Aunt Pam, Mommy, Daddy, me, Amy, Uncle Greg, Aunt Elena, Theo, Rami, and Naomi! We went during the summer." She counted off everyone one by one with her fingers.
"Two years ago, huh?" Sarah repeated. "And everyone went?"
"Well, we were sad about Uncle Ethan dying." Mary shrugged. "So we went on vacation."
At least the adults all had the shame to avoid Sarah's gaze.
Sarah nodded, turning to the adults. Normally, she would stay calm for the sake of the children, but she had enough. "Yup, understandable." She laughed dryly, deepening their discomfort. "Why wouldn't you go on vacation with the entire family when someone you love just died to feel better?"
Allen flinched.
Now, it made sense why Allen and Carol didn't return her calls that summer when she was lost and heartbroken. When needed them most. What made it even worse was that Pam and Greg, the two people she had the most respect for in this family besides Ethan himself, went along with it.
Sarah wanted nothing more than to cause a scene. To scream at them and demand how dare they do such a thing without at least inviting her and Ben. She wouldn't have accepted the invitation, but it was the principle of it. Of supporting Ethan's own family when they needed help.
But she couldn't, not in front of Ben. Her son deserved to not witness his mother losing her shit over his father's family. "Excuse me."
She went to the car and sat in it.
And shouted in grief, throwing her top hat aside.
Since Sarah couldn't say anything without damaging her relationship with her in-laws, Toby decided he would. His eyes swept over everyone in disdain. "I hope you guys are all ashamed of yourselves."
"We didn't have to invite her or anyone else," Elena huffed. "Ethan was our brother or son."
"Elena," Allen warned his daughter, but she didn't appear to hear him.
Toby ground his teeth so hard, it was a miracle that they didn't pop out of his skull. "And he was Sarah's husband and Ethan's father."
Even Elena stayed quiet after that.
"If only one of your families left, sure, I'd get not inviting Sarah. But to invite the entire crew and leave out Sarah and Ben? Do you think Ethan would be happy to know that you guys abandoned his wife and son when they needed you most? Some family you guys are."
The younger children didn't understand what was happening with the adults speaking so quickly, but all of them could feel the uncomfortable tension.
"Ben, let's go," Toby called without room for argument. Ben trotted after him without question.
They found Sarah sitting in the front seat, eyes blotchy and makeup ruined. She tried to hide it from Ben but it was no use. "Mommy, you're sad. Did the grownups make you sad about Daddy?"
"Don't worry about it, okay?" She kissed his head. "We're going to go home and watch a movie. What do you think?"
"Okay." Ben didn't sound too excited but he wasn't about to argue.
Ben laid in his bed, thinking about how sad his Mommy was after seeing his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. He didn't really understand, just that they made her sad and it had something to do with Daddy.
"Pssst, Ben!"
Ben turned to see a horde of goblins gathering around his bed. He turned towards them but didn't move. "Hello."
"Do you has marshed mallows?" Iglepus asked, licking his lips.
Ben shook his head, tired. "No."
"Pretzels?" Blaggerspout nudged.
Ben turned around. "No. No snacks. I'm sad."
"Why?" Pickle asked, though rather loudly.
His frown twisted even more. "Because Grandma and Grandpa didn't want to see my art. And Mommy was sad today. And Uncle Toby got angry."
"But what about pretz- mmmMMPPH!" Blaggerspout gagged when Evie covered his mouth with her hand, understanding that the last thing Ben needed was more bombardment about snacks when he was clearly upset.
She shoved him aside and walked up to Ben. "Can we see your art?"
Ben sat up almost instantly, smiling brightly. He ran to his dresser and pointed at the artwork visible in the moonlight. The goblins stared with awe.
"Pretzel!" Blaggerspout pointed at the flower statue made of pretzels. He was about to chomp on it when Pickle dragged him away. "Hey!"
"No eating! It has glue!" Ben scolded them, steading his sculpture so that it didn't fall over. "They're yucky." He went to sit on his bed, unnaturally quiet.
"No snacks!" Evie said sternly to the rest of them.
"Aww!" They all groaned. "But we wants snacks!"
"Ben is sad!" Evie huffed, gesturing to the child leaning against his bedpost, his eyes cast down.
"Would snacks help?" Blaggerspout asked, earning a rather violent swat on the top of his head by Evie. "Ow."
"I don't want snacks," Ben mumbled. "I want Mommy to be happy. I made a wish to Mister Jareth already."
"To Kingy?" Pickle gasped. Her eyes bugged out of her head. "You made a wish with Kingy?"
"Yeah."
"But no running?"
"No, why?" Ben scrunched his eyebrows.
"Maybe make new wish?" Iglepus shrugged. "And no running?"
Ben thought about that for a moment. "Okay. I will make a wish. Maybe tomorrow I will have snacks."
"Pretzels?" Blaggerspout asked expectedly.
"Maybe," Ben emphasized.
Once the goblins left, he held the little red book and made his wish. "Hello, Mister Jareth. I have another wish. Mommy was sad today, so can you give her an extra-nice dream tonight? Thank you."
He crawled into bed, staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars and moons on the ceiling until he fell asleep.
On another plane of existence, Jareth looked into his crystal, Ben's face reflected inside. He swung his leg over the armrest of his throne, not paying attention to the horde of goblins who were fighting over Bog Duty and who made the oatmeal splatter on the wall. "Sweet Benjamin, you are a wonder. It's too bad your mother never wished you to me, I would have made you my son as I almost did your uncle." He chuckled, only half-serious. "Ah, I suppose she learned her lesson last time she was here."
He blew at the crystal, dissolving it into glitter as it flew to the Aboveground and into Sarah's dreams. "Sweet dreams, My Champion."
In this story, I imagine that Sarah would have kept her maiden name instead of changing it. It's just the vibe I get from this particular Sarah, who once had dreams of becoming a world-famous musician, would have wanted to keep the name that she had gone by her entire life. (A small detail but one that stuck out to me anyway).
One of my favorite things about writing this story was not only exploring Sarah in her mid 30s (older than I usually would write her), but exploring her relationship with Toby as two adults. I would hope that my siblings and I can have the same bond as we reach adulthood. My brother is about Toby's age, so while Toby is definitely his own character, a lot of his silly personality comes from my brother (like flipping off people we hate behind them lol).
I absolutely love Neil Gaiman's Sandman so there will be little references/inspiration here and there in future chapters (like how I added Sarah dressed up as Death), but no actual characters or crossovers like I did in Within Dreams or Return to the Realm of Dream.
Sarah's in-laws are more inspired by other people I know rather than my paternal grandparents, but the stuff about them going on a trip and not inviting Sarah is exactly what happened to me and my mom. Except my mom didn't say anything while Sarah put them all to shame. I kinda wish she did though, because why would you do that to someone grieving? I do keep in contact with them now but barely. Like, emails a few times a year lmfao. My mom doesn't but I do it mostly to get to know where I come from and my dad more than anything else. I don't owe them anything, it's just what I've chosen to do. I really do want to emphasize that that her in-laws were inspired rather than based off of specific people. They're a combo of people you would know in your life, whether that's at work, school, or family sometimes.
Ben and the goblins was actually a last-minute addition. I thought of him just wishing for Jareth and thought this was better. I love the goblins and wish they had more of a part in the movie in being goofy and silly like this lol.
Also, I promise that Jareth and Sarah will reunite soon! Thank you for reading and for your patience.