Hannah and Adam announced Hannah´s pregnancy at the start of the summer. School had just let out and the days were hot and long. I wasn´t grounded anymore, but I was still really low and every day was a struggle for me, so I wasn´t going off the ranch to socialize with friends, really.
Roundup had happened a couple of weeks before, and neither Hannah nor I had gone. It wasn´t even discussed that I would go; it was just assumed that in my current state, I would stay at the house. Hannah volunteered to stay with me, which in hindsight was odd, because she really liked roundup. Crane would have stayed otherwise to look after me and run the ranch at home, but Hannah insisted. She and I spent a quiet week together and had some quality girls time which was nice. I hadn´t noticed that anything was wrong- she wasn´t sick or tired. But maybe I was too wrapped up in myself.
Because of roundup, there was a lot of work to be done every day with the new calves: vaccinations, worming, fly tagging and other processes that I didn´t care to know too much about. I had the urge to stay in bed all day, but Adam wouldn´t let me. He buddied me with a different brother every day to complete all sorts of chores. I wasn´t much help, and he knew it. But I guess he wanted to get me out the house and into the sunshine as much as possible.
So because of all the amount of work, it was strange one day during the week, when after lunch, Adam and Hannah announced they were taking the afternoon off and were going into town.
Brian made a face when Adam told us at lunch. "How you expectin´ me to get all those vaccinations done by myself?" he demanded.
"Guthrie and Evan can help you," Adam said, cutting into a roll with his knife.
"We´re supposed to be mendin´ fence, remember?" Evan said.
"Consider yourself reassigned," said Adam. He looked over at Hannah and smiled. She smiled back at him.
"And I don´t know what time we´ll be back, so you´re on your own for supper," she said.
"Guess I´ll make chilli then," Brian said, helping himself to some more green beans.
"Oh man," Daniel said, with a teasing grin. "It´ll be hard to go back to Brian´s cookin´, even if it's just one night."
Brian aimed a balled up napkin at him across the table. "Don´t know what you´re complainin´ about buddy, my cookin´ made you into the man you are today."
That led into Evan, Ford and Daniel teasing Brian about successes and fails of meals past and we were all laughing.
"No respect," Brian grumbled, but we all knew that he didn´t really mind.
When the others got up to leave the table, I tried to slip away with them too, but Crane caught my arm. "You´re not finished," he said, gesturing to my plate.
"There´s only a little bit left. Please Crane, I´m so full and I ate most of it," I said, pleadingly and quietly. I didn´t want to attract Adam or Brian´s attention.
"You´re to eat it all, Heidi," Crane said, firmly.
"Can I eat it after I wash the dishes?" I asked him. I was on dish duty alongside him.
He considered for a moment and then he said, "Alright."
He put my plate to one side and covered it with another plate. The two of us cleared the table and did the dishes, mostly in silence. I didn´t really feel like talking and Crane´s good like that. He´s comfortable with silence. When we finished, I dried my hands on a dish towel and gave him a piteous look.
"No," he said, reading my mind.
I sighed and sat back down to eat the last of my food.
/
I spent the afternoon out on the fence with Crane. I wasn´t much help, but I fetched things for him from the truck. Then, I helped Brian with supper for everyone, even though I wouldn´t eat chilli because of the meat. He made me a vegetarian version in another pan, so I chopped the vegetables for that.
We were just finishing up supper, but all still sitting down, when we heard the front door open and Adam and Hannah wandered into the kitchen. Adam had his arm around Hannah´s shoulders. They both looked really happy and relaxed; Hannah´s face was lit up like a ray of sunshine.
"Hi guys," Hannah greeted us.
"You guys look pleased with yourselves. Where you been?" Crane asked.
Adam and Hannah looked at each other and smiled. "Well… we´ve been to the doctor this afternoon," Hannah said.
"Why would you be happy about that?" Guthrie asked, looking puzzled.
Adam and Hannah shared another secret smile. "Well… because I had a 12-week scan," Hannah said.
"12-week scan for what?" Guthrie said.
There was a moment of silence at the table.
"Wait… are you…?" Crane said.
Hannah nodded and then she and Adam stood there with huge grins on their faces. "I´m pregnant again."
There was a chorus of gigantic whoops and then we all sprang up from the table at once. Adam was engulfed by Brian and Daniel who caught him up and at one point it looked like they were going to carry him on their shoulders. Evan picked Hannah up and swung her round and then kissed her on the cheek and she laughed, breathless. Crane and Guthrie grabbed her and hugged her and then Ford did and I did and it soon became a fray of bodies and arms and legs, hugging and jumping in excitement.
"But is everything ok, you know, with you and the baby?" Guthrie asked her suddenly, looking worried.
Hannah ran a hand through his hair. "Everything´s just fine, Guth," she said. He hugged her again, tightly.
Brian and Daniel put Adam down and turned to Hannah and then Adam was accosted by the others. I was the last to hug him and I put my arms around his waist and hugged him tightly, pressing the side of my face into his chest.
Congratulations, Adam," I said quietly. I wasn´t sure he could hear me above all the din that was being made, but then he said, "Thank you, honey," into my hair. I looked up at him and he smiled at me. I don´t think I had ever seen him looking so content.
"This calls for a celebration!" Brian said. He went to the cupboard in the kitchen where we kept champagne for special occasions. Catching on, Crane got out the glasses. They had belonged to our mother. Brian filled glasses for everyone except Hannah- he filled a glass with fizzy grape juice for her. He even filled a glass of champagne for Guthrie and I, but just not as full as everyone else´s.
Brian raised his glass. "The McFaddens will go on!" he said, theatrically. We all copied him, raising our glasses towards Adam and Hannah. Adam cupped Hannah´s face tenderly with one hand, and then kissed her.
"I love you," he mouthed at her. She smiled at him with a face so full of love that it almost hurt to watch.
/
We spent the rest of the evening together in the living room, just hanging out together as a family. Crane and Daniel played guitar and made up funny little songs with tongue in cheek lyrics about Hannah and Adam being parents and there was a lot of laughing. It was a great evening.
But when I finally got into my room that night, and lay down in bed, I couldn´t sleep. I felt anxious and I couldn´t put my finger on it. I was so happy for Adam and Hannah- they deserved their happiness. I knew that Hannah wanted a baby more than anything and after the ectopic pregnancy, she had worried that she wouldn´t conceive again. But I guess a large part of me also felt scared. Scared of what, I couldn´t exactly put my finger on, but I definitely felt uneasy.
I lay on my back and fingered my necklace. It was a gold chain on which I wore my parents´ wedding bands. Adam had given them to me weeks back after everything had come out about how I missed knowing my parents. He and Brian had given me a beautiful gold chain as a birthday present for my 15th birthday, and so I now wore the rings around my neck. I never took them off. As I touched the rings, I wondered how my parents had felt every time they had had the news they were having another baby. Were they overjoyed about each pregnancy, or did it just become standard after a time? These were the things I longed to ask, but obviously couldn't.
/
It seemed that now Adam and Hannah had told the family, there was no hold barred were on telling everyone else. A couple of days later, I went into Murphys with Hannah in the morning to help with groceries. Everyone we bumped into seemed to know.
"How does everyone know," I asked Hannah after the third lady had come up to her to congratulate her- this one while we were at the fruit and veg section.
Hannah laughed. "Oh, probably Marie. That woman is Murphy´s equivalent of a town crier," she said.
It was as we were leaving and loading groceries into the back seats of the jeep that we saw Mrs Gleeson from church in the car parked in front of ours. She was wrangling a puppy into her car- her beloved sausage dog, Patch, had died of old age the year before. She finally bundled him into the car and then shut the door on him.
"Oh great," I said under my breath. I wasn´t Mrs Gleeson´s biggest fan. She was always talking about Jesus and she was a huge bore.
Hannah gave me a motherly look. "Be polite!" she said quickly as Mrs Gleeson shuffled over to us on her stubby legs.
"Hello, girls!" she said, wheezing a little with the exertion.
"Hi, Delores," Hannah said.
"Hi," I said, smiling politely.
"How are you?" Hannah asked her.
Mrs Gleeson huffed. "My arthritis keeps me up at night. But what can you do at my age? Only the lord Jesus knows what will become of me," she said.
"That´s tough," murmured Hannah sympathetically.
"Well. I´ll survive. But more to the point, how are you. I hear congratulations may be in order? Is it true?" Mrs Gleeson said.
A sunshine smile broke out on Hannah´s face again. "Yes! It´s true."
Mrs Gleeson caught both of Hannah´s hands in her own. "Oh darling. That´s wonderful news. I´m so happy for you. And Adam too of course. To become a father. How simply wonderful. Our lord Jesus has blessed you."
Again, I don´t know why, but when Mrs Gleeson said that, I felt like I´d been punched in the stomach. Completely winded in a way. But I´ve become really good at hiding my feelings when I want to. So although I felt like crying, I kept the smile on my face and just watched as Hannah said, "Yes, of course Adam is over the moon too."
The two of them talked a while longer and then Mrs Gleeson turned to me.
"And how are you, Heidi. Are you enjoying the summer?"
"Yes, thank you," I said politely, through the lump in my throat.
"If you don´t mind me saying, dear, you´re looking a bit thin."
I stared at her. I did mind. And I wanted to tell her that she was looking a bit fat, but I didn´t because I didn´t want to embarrass Hannah and I didn´t want to get into trouble with my brothers when I got home. So I just smiled at her and didn´t say anything.
"Oh, well Heidi´s just fine!" Hannah said, quickly. "We´d best be off, Mrs Gleeson, see you at church!"
Hannah quickly got into the car and I went around and got into the other side. She started the ignition and pulled out quickly.
Neither of us said anything for a minute. I looked out straight in front of me, my mind racing. I could feel Hannah´s eyes on me every so often. "You ok?" she asked me.
"Uh huh."
"You shouldn´t take anything Delores says to heart, you know," she said.
I turned to her and fixed her with a bright smile. "I don´t!"
/
I spent the rest of the afternoon with Daniel. He had recently bought a truck for himself with the money he had made from playing with his band. They were playing more and more gigs now and he needed his own means of transport. It needed a bit of work done to it, and then Brian asked him to look at the farm truck because he suspected it was leaking oil. Daniel was under the car and I sat next to him, on the ground, handing him things he needed. He eventually emerged from under the car, his hands covered in oil.
"Go get me a lemonade, will ya. I´m parched," he said.
I got up to go inside. "And get me a rag to wipe my hands on!" he called after me.
Inside, I poured Daniel a glass from the jug that Hannah had prepared earlier. I poured one for myself too. I grabbed a rag from the mudroom and took it, and then glasses of lemonade outside. I handed Daniel the rag and then the glass, and then we went and sat on the front porch swing to drink. He put the swing in motion with his leg.
"Is the leak bad?" I asked him, pointing to the farm truck.
"The oil pans need replacin´."
"Oh." I didn´t really know what he was talking about. "How come you´re so good at this stuff?" I said.
"I took an auto mechanics class the summer of my sophomore year at the Y. Don´t you remember?"
I shook my head. "No…".
"It´s great news about the baby, isn´t it?" Daniel said.
I didn´t look at him, but I nodded. "The best."
Daniel side eyed me. "What´s the matter?"
Damn it. It was almost impossible to hide anything from Daniel. Guthrie says he should be a medium.
"Nothing! I´m fine!" I said, brightly.
He looked at me sternly, for Daniel at least.
"What?!" I said.
"I just think you´d have learned somethin´ from everythin´ that´s happened in the past year. About being honest with us about your feelings," Daniel said evenly. He took the last sip of his lemonade.
I was quiet for a moment while I thought about what he was saying.
"I will. But I want to talk to Julia first," I said, referring to my therapist who I had been seeing for the past few months.
Daniel stopped the swing with his foot. He got up from the swing and looked down at me.
"Alright. But see that you do."