After my big blowout with my family where I ran away to my therapist, Julia´s house in Sonora, I continued to see her for a few months. I don´t see her anymore, but she said that I can contact her again if I need her in the future. During school time, I would see her on a Wednesday after school. Someone would pick me up and drive me there, normally waiting for me in the waiting room of Julia´s practice, and even though it was summer break, my regular appointment with Julia remained. She went away to Hawaii though, with her husband for a couple of weeks on vacation, so the first time I could talk with her about what I was thinking and feeling was about ten days after Hannah announced her pregnancy.

Evan ended up taking me, although he wouldn´t be staying. He was going to Stockton for a couple of days to visit a friend he had made from rodeo in the truck that he had recently purchased from the money he had made training horses. I suspected the friend was a girl, but he was cagey about it, even snapping at Crane when he dared to ask him about it. Sonora was out of his way, really, but everyone else on the ranch had been busy until a bit later, and Adam and has asked him to take me.

We were mostly silent in the car for the first bit, just listening to the radio. I was lost in my own thoughts and Evan probably thought it was best not to bother me. Halfway to Sonora though, he made an attempt at conversing with me.

"So, how you doing these days? I mean, how are you feeling…about everything?" he asked me.

Now that was a loaded question. What could I say really- other than that I was more miserable than I had ever been in my life. And what would that achieve other than make Evan feel awkward? I kept my eyes fixed on the passenger window, watching the scenery rush past me.

"Fine, I guess," I said.

Crane or Daniel might have probed more, asked me more questions, but Evan isn´t really one for talking about feelings. I glanced at him and he looked a bit uncomfortable. I took pity on him.

"How are your plans for going on the rodeo circuit?" I asked, switching the conversation to him. His face lit up- rodeo is his favorite subject.

"They´re good. I´ve got enough money now to go on the circuit for about three or four months. More if I win competitions," he said.

"Oh… well that´s good… when do you think you´ll be going?"

Evan scratched his nose. "Probably at the end of the summer- I´m needed around the ranch until then. And I promised old man Hunter that I would work with his horses until the end of the summer too."

"It´s going to be strange this year I guess. You, Ford and Daniel not being at home so often," I said. Ford was leaving to go to college in the fall- UC Davis, just like Crane, and Daniel had been talking about going to LA for a few months with his band to see if they could get any work.

"Yep. But we´ll be back for holidays- Thanksgiving and Christmas. And we´ll all come back when the baby´s born," he said.

My stomach clenched at hearing Evan mention the baby. It was all anyone could talk about these days and every time it came up, I felt anxiety rise. I pursed my lips and didn´t reply, looking straight ahead.

I felt Evan´s eyes on me, even though he was supposed to be driving.

"You ok?" Evan said.

"Uh huh," I said, even though I felt like I wanted to cry. Treacherous tears, never far these days, filled my eyes. I turned my face to the window so that Evan wouldn´t see. I think he knew though because although we didn´t talk anymore on the journey, when we arrived and I opened the door, he caught my hand before I could get out.

"I hope you have a good session, Heidi, and that you feel able to talk to Julia about what you´re feeling," he said, softly.

I swallowed and nodded. "Have fun in Stockton," I said, and then he was gone.

/

The reason why I liked Julia so much is that I felt like I could say whatever I wanted to her without the fear of being judged. I mean, she probably did judge me privately or whatever, but she didn´t ever show it, and she always told me my feelings were valid. Not saying that my family don´t do that, but I´ve always been scolded by Adam and Brian especially for being too dramatic about things. Compared to Guthrie who´s pretty mellow, I´m a basket case- especially now.

Julia always started my sessions by asking me about how my week had been.

"Alright, I guess. Hannah´s pregnant. Three months. She and Adam are going to have a baby at the beginning of next year," I said flatly.

Unlike everyone else who had reacted with joy upon hearing the news, Julia´s face remained impassive. "I see. That´s lovely news for them. But how do you feel about it?"

I swallowed. "Not so good," I whispered. "I mean… I´m happy for them because I know how much Hannah wants a baby. She´s made to be a mom. But it´s also making me really anxious."

Julia scribbled in her notepad. "Why do you think that is?" she asked.

I shrugged. "I don´t know."

"Do you think you´re jealous? Insecure perhaps that when the baby comes, Adam won´t have time for you. Or that he won´t love you anymore?" she asked me.

Leave it to Julia to just come out with it. I guess that what she´s paid for.

I swiped at the tears which were leaking from my eyes. "Maybe," I whispered. I grabbed a couple of tissues from the table next to the couch I was sitting on and wiped my eyes and my nose. "But I don´t know why," I continued. "I mean I´ve been so mad lately that my mom and dad aren´t here. I´ve been mad at Adam and Hannah that they´re not my mom and dad. But now I´m upset they´re having a baby!" I was starting to cry full on now. "I´m a terrible person, Julia. I´m so selfish. I just hate myself!"

Julia let me cry. I didn´t know how she could stand her job- all I did in her room was cry and moan, and I assumed that her other patients did the same.

After a few minutes, I had a better handle on myself and stopped crying so hard.

"Sorry," I said.

"You don´t ever have to apologize for your feelings when you´re in this room. That´s why you come here," she said, kindly.

I nodded.

"You ready to continue?"

I nodded again.

"Okay. Heidi, do you feel like Adam and Hannah and your whole family love you? I know you know they love you. But do you feel loved by them?" she asked me.

"Yes," I said immediately, thinking about it. And I did know. I knew that every single one of my brothers, and Hannah too, loved me from their actions and from the way they looked after me, especially recently. It was little things too, like the way that I knew that either Adam or Brian would check on me before they went to bed. They would just open my door and peek inside. Of course, most of the time I was asleep, but I still knew they did it. They had even done it when I was going through my rebellious phase and was being a bitch to them. Sometimes they would pull the covers up over me if they had fallen off, or if it was cold outside, I would wake up with extra blanket on my bed. Or it was the way that all my brothers, apart from Guthrie, had put together a beautiful album full of photos and stories about our parents for my and Guthrie´s 15th birthday. Most of the pictures had Guthrie and me in them too, which was special. I hadn´t even seen some of them before. And even though their overprotective strictness drove me crazy most of the time, I knew rationally that they only did it out of love.

"Then why would you think that the love will change when the baby comes?" Julia asked, breaking my train of thought.

I took a deep breath. "Because the baby will be Adam´s. It will be his son or daughter. And I´m not. I´m just his sister," I said, softly. My tummy was hurting.

Julia jotted something down again in her black book. I often wondered what she was writing there. Was she taking notes for example, or making a shopping list?

"Do you think of Adam as your father?" she said.

"I guess so… him and Brian too, though Adam always has the final say. Hannah and I met a lady who goes to our church and she congratulated Hannah on the baby. She said Adam must be excited to become a father. It really upset me. I mean, I know that Adam´s not my dad… but he´s the closest thing I have to a dad. He does all the things that a dad would do- he always has done, for all of us. And Brian does too. So, it´s confusing.

I sat back on the couch and leaned my head back. I was starting to feel really exhausted like always when I had sessions with Julia.

Julia smiled sympathetically at me. "I´m not surprised that you´re feeling confused, Heidi. The way you´ve grown up is confusing in a way. With big brothers who are like fathers to you, rather than brothers. But also having the memory and legacy of your parents hanging over all of you. Believe it or not, it´s very common for children to feel threatened when their parents have another baby. Of course, in this case, it´s not as straight forward, but the feelings are the same."

I took another tissue and wiped my eyes again and blew my nose. Julia waited until I was done and then continued. "I could tell you how much Adam loves you. And Hannah. But it won´t do any good coming from me. And I can´t speak for them anyway. I think you ought to talk to Adam about how you feel though," she said.

I shook my head vehemently. "I can´t, Julia. I feel too embarrassed. And selfish," I said. The thought of telling him what I had told Julia horrified me.

"Well, if you remember, Heidi, keeping your feelings hidden from your family didn´t work out very well last time," Julia said pointedly. I blushed, remembering the carnage and chaos that I had wreaked upon my family that fateful Sunday afternoon.

"But this time is different!" I protested. "I´m behaving myself and I´m trying to be respectful. I´m not going to blow up again."

"No… you may not react so violently again. But these things have a way of coming out in a hurtful way. Haven´t you and Adam been spending more time together lately?"

"Yea…" I said. It was true that Adam had been making an effort to have one on one time with me. He had said that he wanted me to feel like I could talk to him about my feelings. So about once a week, he always made sure we did something together- just me and him. Sometimes on those days he would ask me about school, or my friends, or how I was feeling. And sometimes we didn´t talk about anything serious at all. It was nice though. Spending time with him. Most of the time it was just helping him with something on the ranch, but we had also gone to dinner one time and another time, we had gone ice skating in Sonora. I wasn´t very good at it, but Adam´s a surprisingly good skater. He had tried to teach me, but I kept falling over. We had laughed a lot that day.

Julia cleared her throat. "Maybe you could talk to him on one of those days?" she suggested.

"Maybe. I´ll think about it," I said. Deep down though, I didn´t think I´d be able to find the courage.

/

It was Crane who picked me up in the truck after my session with Julia. He rang the bell close to the end of my appointment, and then he sat in the waiting room. When I came out, he was reading what looked like woman´s lifestyle magazine. He put it down as I came out and stood up. He smiled at Julia and said hello. Then he looked at me.

"Okay?" he said, taking in my blotchy, red face.

I nodded. He cupped my face with his hands. "Tough session, huh?" he asked sympathetically.

"Uh huh," I said.

He let me go and then put a hand on my back, guiding me toward the door. "Alright. We can go home and you can take a nap or get an early night. Go and wait in the truck just now. I´ll be out in a minute," he said.

I hesitated, turning back to face him. "Why do you need to stay?" I asked.

"I need to talk to Julia about something. Go on now," he said.

Again, I stood stubbornly where I was. I had visions of him asking Julia what we had talked about, although I knew rationally that she couldn´t tell him because of patient confidentiality.

"Tell me why you need to stay!" I demanded, petulantly.

Crane gave me a stern look which I should have paid attention to, just as I should have taken heed of the fact that he used my loathed middle name which he never does. "Mind me, Heidi Mae," he said.

I crossed my arms and looked at him, moodily. Like a small child, I was over tired from my session and was acting out. Crane turned me around again in the direction of the door and whacked my backside quite hard to send me on my way. Crane´s really patient- he never swats me, especially at this age and these days. That´s Brian´s department. I was mad and embarrassed that he had done it in front of Julia and shocked really, that he had done it at all. I turned to give him a hurt look, and he raised his eyebrows at me. I stomped out and sat in the truck, stewing at him.

About ten minutes later, Crane came out and climbed into the truck. He started the motor and pulled out of Julia´s driveway. I stared out the window moodily. Crane didn´t say anything to me for the first five minutes of driving and I didn´t either. But I was mad at him and hurt and felt like lashing out.

"You didn't have to smack me like that in front of Julia, like I was a little kid," I said huffily, still staring out the window, refusing to look at him.

"Then you shouldn't have acted like one," he said, mildly. He didn´t sound particularly mad.

"You embarrassed me," I said, tears filling my eyes again.

"You embarrassed yourself, Heidi," Crane replied. "I asked you to go and sit in the truck and you back talked like a small child. So I treated you like one."

"I just wanted to know what you were going to say to her," I protested, looking at him now.

Crane glanced at me and then looked straight ahead again. "Do you really think that me, of all people would ask Julia to break your confidence, Heidi?"

Clearly, he had read my mind- typical Crane. I thought about it for a second and knew immediately I had been wrong. Crane would never do that. Brian might, out of concern and love, but not Crane.

"No." I said softly. "I´m sorry, Crane."

He glanced at me again and then patted my leg.

"I forgive you, little one," he said, kindly.

"Are you still not going to tell me what you and Julia were talking about?" I said.

Crane smiled at me, infuriatingly. "Nope," he said. Then he started telling me about what had been going on at the ranch while I had been gone the past couple of hours. Apparently, someone, not me thankfully, had left the gate to the goat pen open and they had gotten out and were riling up the cattle.

"Guthrie´s the suspect. Brian´s already hollered at him," Crane said.

The whole thing sounded exhausting frankly. By the time we got home, I felt like I could sleep the whole night away. A lot of emotion has always done that to me, ever since I was a toddler, Adam says. He told me before that I had had epic tantrums and screamed myself to sleep. When I awoke, I was like a different child. "You were like Jekyll and Hyde" he had told me once.

When I entered the house, Hannah was the only one there. When I told her I was going to lie down she said sternly, "Supper´s in an hour, Heidi. You´ll need to come down and eat."

"Okay," I said. thinking that I would deal with that hurdle later.

All I wanted to do was lie down, sleep and process what Julia had said earlier about speaking to Adam.

Thanks to readers and reviewers. 3