I fell asleep almost the minute I lay down on my bed, but Ford woke me up not much later, according to the clock on my bedside table. He knocked loudly and then popped his head round the door and said loudly, "Supper!" before disappearing again.

It was a bad idea to nap so close to supper; I didn´t feel like eating because I was grumpy at being woken up so abruptly. But refusing to come to the table would just result in me getting into it with my brothers and Hannah, and I didn´t have the energy for that.

It took me a little while, so by the time I rounded through to the kitchen to the table, everyone minus Evan was already there. And then I got a surprise too, because also sitting at the table next to Crane was Molly McGraw. Molly was a large animal vet who had saved Evan´s horse, Diablo a few years back when he had stepped in a gopher hole and fractured his leg. Crane had dated her briefly for the summer and had fallen head over heels for her, but she had taken an internship on the East coast. Crane had been heart broken. He had dated other girls since then; he´d even brought a couple home. But there was nothing that lasted. I didn´t think Molly and Crane had kept in touch while she was away, yet here she was, sitting comfortably at the table, like she was one of the family.

Molly´s face lit up when she saw me.

"Heidi!" she said, standing up and walking right up to me.

We hugged and then she pulled back. "How are you?!" she asked. The way she asked it was normal, like you would speak to someone you haven´t seen in a while. If she was shocked by my appearance, or by how gaunt I was looking, she didn´t let on.

"I´m fine!" I said, plastering a smile on my face, despite the turmoil I felt inside. "How are you? What are you doing here? Are you back?"

"Yes! I´ve been back a couple of months now," she said. She looked over at Crane and smiled. "Crane and I have been seeing each other again the past few weeks."

"That´s great," I said.

Molly squeezed my arm. "I´m lucky Crane was still unattached," she said, beaming at him.

He winked at her. "I´m the lucky one," he said.

I took my place next to Hannah, and Molly went back to sit next to Crane. The mood at the table was raucous with everyone talking at once and laughing. Everyone´s spirits had been high since Hannah had announced her pregnancy. Hannah put some food on my plate. She knew I wouldn´t fight for it and I would happily go without. Supper was beef stew and homemade rolls. Hannah had made me a vegetarian version.

I tried to eat; I really did. But my stomach was so unsteadied with emotion and tiredness. Every mouthful was turning my stomach. I really thought that I might be sick. So, because everyone at the table was distracted talking and eating and laughing, I subtly managed to transfer three relatively large spoonfuls of stew onto Ford´s plate next to me when he got up to grab a beer from the refrigerator and I thought no one else was looking. Well, Guthrie saw me, but I knew he wouldn´t tell. Ford didn´t even notice there was more food on his plate and went right along and ate everything. Another time I might have found it funny, but now I just felt relieved. It was at times like this that I thought a dog might be useful.

As we finished up supper, everybody made a move to migrate into the living room. It was Adam and Hannah´s turn to do the dishes, but they said they would do them later. I picked up my plate to put it on the side, next to the sink. But just as I was putting it down, I heard a voice low in my ear.

"I saw you, Heidi."

Brian.

I spun round. Brian was standing there, with his arms crossed looking really stern.

"That was really sneaky. I didn´t want to say anythin´ at the table and embarrass you, especially in front of Molly, but I´m callin´ you out on it now."

My heart sank. "I feel sick, Brian. I can´t eat so much in one sitting," I said.

Everyone else was in the living room by now and rounds of laughter and excited voices floated through the air into the kitchen.

"We had an agreement," he said.

I felt familiar tears rising. Mostly, they were of exhaustion; I just wanted to go back up to my room and climb into bed for the evening. "No… YOU guys had an agreement. You told me I had to eat, so I tried. I´m trying, Brian. I am. But what am I meant to do when I feel like I´m going to throw up with every bite?" I said, my voice cracking with emotion. I sat down at the table and put my head in my arms on the table and cried quietly.

I fully expected Brian was going to start hollering at me. That he was going to threaten me with punishment if I didn´t shape up. That I was going to face a guilt trip from him about being sneaky and deceptive. But he didn´t. I heard him sigh and pull the chair out next to me. And then I felt his hand rubbing up and down the length of my back, comforting me.

"Heidi, look at me please," he said so gently that it didn´t sound like him at all. I lifted my head. Brian got up and grabbed a couple of tissues from the box on the counter. He handed them to me silently, before sitting back down next to me. I used them to wipe my face and blow my nose.

I had the scrunched-up tissues in one hand. Brian took my other hand. He held it between both of his own and he used his thumbs to stroke my hand.

"Heidi, do you understand why we laid down that rule?" he said.

I nodded. "Yes… I understand. I know that I´m too thin. Dangerously thin. I´m trying, but sometimes I just don´t feel well. And all this pressure to finish my meals… it´s not helping me."

And then he really surprised me when he said, "Ok… what do you think would help you then? Because we need to find a solution."

I looked at him head on then, really looked at him, into his eyes and saw an expression it took me a moment to place. It was fear. Brian was scared for me. He normally hid most of his emotions behind anger, but at this moment the penny dropped that behind all of Brian´s bluster, behind what I sometimes considered to be his bullying of me, he just wanted me to be ok. To be healthy and to find peace again. It made me want to co-operate with him.

"I think…" I said slowly, "… I think I need to eat less at big meals, but more often during the day. I can´t stomach so much food at once. And I think I need to eat more of the things I feel like eating, rather than what´s served to me. For just now anyway. Until I feel better."

"Alright... that sounds doable. So if you could choose to eat anythin´ at this moment. Anythin´ in the world, what would it be?" he asked.

I thought for a moment. If I was honest, nothing sounded particularly good, but this new, sensitive, lenient Brian wasn´t to be overlooked and I wanted to please him. To take away some of his fear.

"I guess I could manage some ice cream," I said. "Just a scoop."

Brian smiled at me. "Ah, ice cream. Good choice. I think we can arrange that. I think I´ll even have some myself," he said.

He got up and pulled a large tub of rocky road ice cream out the freezer. He served a generous sized scoop into a bowl, which he planted in front of me with a spoon, and then he served himself a liberal amount in another bowl.

"Do you want to take these into the living room? Go be with everyone else?" he asked me.

"Yea," I said, standing up and grabbing my bowl. "Will you tell the others about what we agreed?"

"I will," said Brian. "But since this agreement is on your terms, you´ve got to promise to adhere to it, Heidi. Do we have a deal?"

"Deal," I said. It wasn´t often that I got to make the terms of an agreement with my brothers. In fact, I couldn´t ever remember a time when I´d got to dictate all the terms. It made me feel a little more in control of myself.

We crossed into the living room with our bowls of ice cream where everyone was talking and laughing together. Crane was on the piano and Daniel was on his guitar.

Guthrie made an outraged face when he saw what was in our bowls.

"No fair! I want some too. Bri, can you get me some?" he said, over the general din.

Brian sat down on one of the chairs, stretching out his legs in front of him.

"You know where it is, Guth. I´m nobody´s servant."

Clearly the old Brian was back.

/

I managed to finish the scoop of ice cream. When I put the bowl down on the table, I looked over at Brian to show him that I was done. He smiled at me and then winked. Hannah and Daniel made coffee for everyone who wanted some and served slices of blueberry pie. I didn´t want any but both Brian and Guthrie had a piece, despite the mounds of supper and ice cream they had consumed. The amount they could put away, well the amount all my brothers ate, was astounding to me.

Molly and Crane were carrying on very much like they were a proper couple again. He moved away from the piano onto the couch and she sat on his knee. The way he looked at her, I could tell that he had fallen hard again. I hoped she wouldn´t hurt him this time. I knew it hadn´t really been her fault before, more like circumstance. But still. Crane deserved to be happy.

I made my escape after only about an hour. It was still early but I was exhausted from pretending. From smiling and laughing when I felt broken inside. I just wanted to lie in my bed with my book. No one tried to stop me from going upstairs, saying it was too early or anything; they just called goodnight to me.

My room was stuffy with heat when I got in there, so I opened the window to let in some fresh air. I brushed my teeth and then settled in bed to read my book. I was working my way through all of Steinbeck. It was curious: I found it difficult to concentrate on day to day tasks but focusing on a book wasn´t a problem for me most of the time. I found it comforting to be transported to another world, to a life that wasn´t mine.

I was just about to put my book down and settle down to go to sleep, when I heard a soft knock on my door.

"Come in!"

It was Adam. I greeted him and then he came and sat on the side of my bed, looking down at me.

"I just wanted to say goodnight," he said. "I noticed that when you came into the living room earlier you had been crying. Did you and Brian get into it?"

"No… well yea, a bit… but it worked out fine. Bri was really understanding," I said. I didn´t bother to tell him what Brian and I had agreed with food. I knew Brian would do it for me later.

"That´s good. And how was your session with Julia today?"

My heart started banging, even though there was no reason for it to.

"It was fine. Was good," I managed.

"I´m pleased to hear that," he said.

"Yea…"

"I was thinking," he said slowly, "that come Saturday, you and I could go for a ride together. Up into high country. Maybe take a picnic. How does that sound?"

My stomach clenched a bit. I don´t rightly know why. Guilt, I think. That Adam was being so nice to me, and I had sat in Julia´s room earlier that day and begrudged him his own child. It made me hate myself even more.

I managed to smile at him.

"That sounds good, Adam. But won´t Hannah mind?"

"Why would she mind?" He sounded puzzled.

"Because she´s pregnant. And maybe she wants you to be around all the time. You know… in case she doesn´t feel well…"

"Hannah´s fine, Heidi- you´ve seen her. And the doctor said everything was fine as well. But it´s sweet of you to worry."

He smiled at me and then put his hand on my lower leg, over the covers.

"You ready to go to sleep now or are you going to read more?"

I had thought, before he came into my room, that I was ready to sleep. But strong emotions make poor bedfellows and although my conversation with Adam had been benign, I felt anxious again.

"I think I´ll read more," I said.

He nodded and stood up. "Goodnight," he said, leaning over and kissing my forehead.

"Night, Adam."

As he was leaving my room, I wanted to stop him. To call out to him and unburden myself. To tell him exactly how I was feeling. But I just couldn´t; it was like something sitting on my chest, holding me down.

Once he was gone, I tried to read again but this time I couldn´t concentrate. There was so much I was feeling and it was just all jumbled and rolled into one ball of anguish sitting in the pit of my stomach. I curled up into a ball on my side, under the covers and cried myself to sleep.

A huge thank you to everyone invested in the story- to both readers and reviewers. I know it´s kind of depressing and dark, especially for this time of year so I appreciate it!