I was the last to the table the next morning. Brian had obviously told the rest of the family what the two of us had agreed about food because instead of being expected to help myself to what was on the table, Crane asked me what I´d like to eat. In truth, I didn´t want anything, but I´d made a deal with Brian and deal´s a deal, so I thought about what would be the least offensive food to me at that moment.

"I think I want to eat white rice."

Crane and the others looked a bit surprised, but no one said anything to the contrary or tell me I couldn´t have it.

"With anything? I could stir in some vegetables if you like," he said.

"No thanks. I just feel like eating it plain."

"Alright. Rice it is then!" Crane said, cheerfully. He retrieved the packet of rice from the cupboard and measured a cupful into a saucepan and then put it on the hob to boil.

I flopped down at my place at the table and poured myself a glass of orange juice.

"How does it feel to be treated like a queen?" Daniel asked me in a gentle teasing tone.

That got a smile out of me. "It´s about time."

Adam cleared his throat. "Olivia called here last night, Heidi, when you were in bed. She wanted to know if you wanted to go over there today. If you wanted to go, one of us could drive you there."

"I´m not sure… I don´t really feel like it," I said. I didn´t feel much like doing anything.

"I think it would be good for you to go," said Hannah. "Have some girls time."

I shrugged.

"I think you should call Olivia back and tell her you´ll come over there today," she said, more firmly.

"I agree," Adam said.

"Oh, well as long as you all agree!" I said sarcastically and then immediately felt regretful.

"There´s no need to be rude, Heidi," Adam said, quietly.

I looked at him and his brow was drawn like it usually is when he gets mad about something.

I sighed heavily. "I´m know. I´m sorry- that was really bitchy."

I looked at Hannah. "I´ll call her back and tell her that I´ll go over there this afternoon."

Hannah took my hand. "We just want to help you, honey," she said softly.

"I know," I said. And then conversation veered away from me and onto the chores that needed to be completed for the day before Crane set a bowl of rice in front of me with a flourished "Voila."

/

Adam and Hannah were right- it was good to get out my head and get off the ranch for a while. Olivia knew how I was feeling, and she also knew I saw a therapist. She couldn´t really understand how I felt- I mean no one can really know what it´s like until you've been there. But she´s a really good listener and she tried to be there for me.

We lay side by side on top of her gigantic bed and I told her that Hannah was pregnant and how I was feeling about it. Talking to Olivia felt so much easier than talking to my family. I didn´t know why.

"Anyway, I don´t want to talk about me anymore," I said, eventually. "I´m sick of myself. What´s new with you?"

"Not much. Me and the girls have been going to loads of parties at the lake this summer. There´s one tonight if you wanted to come?" she said.

"I´m not really in the party mood," I said, shifting the pillow behind me so that I was more comfortable. "Plus, I´d never be allowed. And I can´t sneak out or lie about it coz of what happened the last time. Sometimes I wonder if my brothers are ever going to loosen up a little, but I don´t hold out much hope."

Olivia looked at me sympathetically. "Oh yea… that´s too bad." Then she grabbed my arm in excitement. "I met a really cute boy at the last party. We went to third base."

I sat up then to look at her. "Third base, Liv?! Really?!"

Olivia giggled and nodded.

"Who is this guy? Do I know him? What was it like?" I said, suddenly profoundly interested in what she had to say. I had only ever gone to first base with a boy, so this was news to me indeed.

"His name is Kian- he´s a college guy. And it was… I dunno- I don´t remember so much of it. I was kind of drunk."

"Wait, was it hand or mouth?" I asked.

Olivia looked sheepish. "Mouth."

"Olivia! Wow!" I said. I was astounded and didn´t know what to say really. It wasn´t that I thought what she was doing was wrong exactly, it´s just that I couldn´t even imagine going to third base with a boy. How would you even know what to do or how to do it properly? Of course, it helped that Olivia had permissive parents who let her do whatever she wanted most of the time as long as her older sister, Ella, was there. Olivia never got punished either- well not to the extent that I did. When we had stolen from the general store when we were about 9, Adam took the paddle to my backside, grounded me for two weeks and put me on dish duty for two weeks as well. Olivia´s parents had only grounded her for the weekend and lectured her. It was a constant source of frustration for me that I couldn´t get away with even a fraction of what she could get away with.

"I know. But you won´t tell anyone, will you, Heidi? I mean the girls know. But don´t tell your brothers, not even Guthrie. Or Hannah," Olivia said then, sitting up too.

"I promise I won´t," I said. This was definitely not something I would even think about sharing with any of my family if I ever wanted to go out with Olivia and the girls again.

/

Brian made me waffles for supper that evening- even though the rest of the family had baked salmon, potatoes and veg. I had them with ice cream again and fruit. Again, no one commented: I think they were just happy that I was eating something without a fight.

After supper, everyone apart from Hannah and Adam went out, even Guthrie who had been taken by one of my brothers to his friend Sammy´s house for the night. I wanted to go straight to bed but Adam said I had to wait until at least 8pm before I could go up, so I lay on one of the couches and read my book. I couldn´t really concentrate though. I kept thinking about what Olivia had told me that afternoon. And it didn´t help that Adam and Hannah were curled up into each other on the opposite couch talking about the baby. Adam had his hand over Hannah´s stomach protectively.

"Adam wants to name the baby Olive if it's a girl. What do you think, Heidi?" Hannah said, trying to bring me in on their conversation.

I made a face. "Makes me think of Popeye," I said.

Both Hannah and Adam laughed. "What about Queenie?" Hannah said then, looking straight at Adam to see if she could bait him.

Adam looked horrified. "Queenie? That´s not even a name, is it?"

"It is!" said Hannah. "I had a great aunt Queenie when I was a kid."

"No. No child of mine is going to be called Queenie," Adam said firmly.

They continued to tease each other by throwing out more and more outlandish names. I watched them bask in their happiness. I tried to read my book again and ignore the pain in my chest that felt like it was taking my breath away. I hated myself at that moment. Why did I have to feel this way? What was wrong with me that I couldn´t just feel happy for these two people who I loved? For Adam who had sacrificed his whole life so far for me and my brothers. I felt like a monster and I was relieved when 8 o´clock arrived and I could escape up to my room.

/

I woke up really early the next morning, probably because I had gone to bed so early the night before. I wanted more than anything to stay in bed, but I forced myself to get up, thinking I would get a head start on my chores. My brothers weren´t demanding much of me at home in terms of pitching in with ranch work at the moment, but I was still expected to complete my chores in the morning and evening. I made quick work of feeding the chickens and filling up their water trough- my chores had been the same ever since I was a little girl. I collected the eggs and carted them back to the kitchen, coming in through the back door and taking off my boots in the mudroom.

Adam and Hannah were already at the table, enjoying a quiet moment together. Adam was drinking a cup of coffee and Hannah was frying eggs at the stove.

They both greeted me and then Adam said, "You´re up early!" He sounded pleased; I knew that he found my constant desire to stay in bed difficult.

"Yea… well I just thought that I´d get my chores done quickly," I said.

Adam smiled at me. "Good idea."

I flopped down at my chair at the table.

"What do you feel like eating this morning?" Hannah asked me.

"I think I´ll just have some fruit and yoghurt," I said. "But don´t worry, I´ll make it myself."

"Ok," Hannah said.

"You´ll need to think ahead about what food you want to take with us on our ride on Saturday," Adam said, taking a sip of his coffee.

And then, I don´t know why, but I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of panic. I usually love spending time with Adam one on one, but now I felt like I couldn´t be alone with him. I felt scared, almost. Of what exactly, I couldn´t say. And because I felt like that, I just wanted to get myself out the situation.

"I don´t think we should go anymore," I blurted out.

Adam looked startled and put down his coffee cup. "Why not?"

"I just… I don´t know…" I stammered.

Adam looked even more confused.

"I just don´t want to," I said then.

There was a silence. I suddenly found my nails extremely interesting. I couldn´t bear to look at Adam, but I could feel Hannah´s eyes on me.

"Alright, Heidi. If that´s what you want," Adam said, quietly.

"Ok," I whispered. "I´ve got to wash up for breakfast," I said and bolted from the table upstairs, my heart banging so hard in my chest that I felt like I might faint.

/

All throughout breakfast I could feel Adam and Hannah´s eyes on me. They didn´t say anything, but a person knows when they´re being watched. Brian and Crane talked about their night before at the bar and filled Adam in on the gossip from town. I didn´t pay much attention if I´m honest.

As I was leaving the table, Hannah said quietly to me, "There´s lots of laundry that needs folding this morning. Can you help me please?"

I felt my heart sink. I hate laundry- it´s my worst chore. But Hannah rarely asks for help, and she was pregnant so of course I wasn´t going to say no. Plus, I couldn´t be sure, but I thought I detected a hard edge to Hannah´s voice when she asked me.

"Sure," I said. "I´ll just go and brush my teeth and then I´ll come and help you."

I went upstairs and it was while I was there, brushing my teeth with the door open that Ford came and hovered by the bathroom door, watching me.

"What´s up," I said, with my toothbrush still in my mouth so it didn´t come out so clearly. He still understood me though.

"I need to talk to you," he said.

I spat the toothpaste out in the sink and rinsed my mouth. "What about?"

"About Olivia and your other friends," Ford said.

I looked at him for a moment and noticed that he was looking really agitated.

"Not here," I said, walking out of the bathroom and pulling Ford back into his bedroom. I could sense by the way that Ford was acting that whatever he had to say wouldn´t be good news and I didn´t want to take the risk that one of my three oldest brothers might hear.

I shut the door and leaned with my back against it.

"What´s the matter?" I said again.

"I went with Harry and Kane to one of the parties by the lake last night," Ford said.

I shrugged, determined to act nonchalant, although I suspected I knew where this was going. "So?"

"So, I saw Olivia and some of the other girls you hang out with. Vanessa and Mia is it?"

I shrugged again. "What´s it to you?" I said.

"They were really drunk, Heidi," Ford said.

"So what? Lots of kids drink!" I said, sounding a bit defensive. I just didn´t want Ford decimating Olivia´s character because she´d had a couple of drinks. Not that Ford is like that really.

"No, Heidi. You don´t understand. She was really drunk. She was so out of it that she passed out on the grass.

"Oh," I said then, worried.

"Yea, well, I stayed with her while Harry went and found her sister Ella to take her home."

I took a deep breath, processing what Ford was telling me. I knew that Olivia and my friends drank when they went to parties. But I didn´t know she drank until she passed out.

"Thanks for staying with her, Ford," I said, suddenly grateful he had been there. "That was really nice of you."

"It´s alright. I like Olivia. She´s a good kid," he said. But then he went on. "But I just don´t know if you should be spending so much time with her."

Immediately I could feel my hackles rising. I narrowed my eyes at him. "Since when do you get to tell me what to do, Ford?"

Ford reached out to take my arm. "C´mon Heidi. You know it´s not like that. I just think she´s sort of wild. And I don´t want you to be caught up in anything that could get you into trouble," he said.

"I won´t be!" I said. "In case you haven´t noticed, I´m not really up for leaving the house too much at the moment. Let alone go out and get myself into trouble."

"I know that. But you won´t always feel this way. When you feel better, you´ll want to go out again. And I won´t be here to look out for you, Heidi. I´ll be away at college."

A large part of me still felt really irritated with Ford for butting into my life and trying to tell me what to do. But seeing him, standing there in front of me, looking so worried- well it sort of softened me too.

I gave him a quick hug, which I think surprised him because my relationship with him isn´t particularly tactile the way it is with, say, Daniel for example.

"I won´t get into any trouble. You don´t need to worry about me like that," I said.

Ford rolled his eyes. "I always worry about you, Heidi."

As ever, thank you to readers and thank you to reviewers.