After my talk with Ford, all I could think about was what he had told me about Olivia. I knew that she drank when she went to parties, but I couldn´t picture what he had told me about finding her passed out on the ground. I was thankful that Ford and his friends had been there and had ´rescued´ her in a way before something really bad happened to her.

I made Ford swear that he´d keep the events of the night before to himself. He didn´t want to: I could see it. His face got that tormented look that happens when he´s really not sure what to do about something. But I persuaded him because as I pointed out: this piece of information wasn´t really about me, was it? It was about Olivia, and since I was very clearly not engaging in that kind of behavior and staying home most of the time, then why did anyone else have to know?

That´s what I was thinking about when I headed back downstairs to help Hannah fold the laundry. I found that she had already dragged the laundry baskets full of items fresh from the dryer into the kitchen and had hauled them onto the table. Three baskets held clothes and two of them were full of bedsheets and pillow cases- things like that. A nine-person household elicits a lot of laundry.

"I was going to help you with bringing them in!" I said, resting a knee on my chair. I started to help her fold the clothes.

"It´s alright. You were taking a while, so I just thought I´d go ahead," Hannah said.

"Sorry… I was talking to Ford upstairs."

"Ok."

We spent a couple of minutes folding in silence. I felt strange, like tense almost. Hannah wasn´t forthcoming with any sort of conversation but I could feel something like anger radiate from her. Perhaps she and Adam had had a fight: when those two went at it, it was a sight to behold. But they had seemed fine at breakfast and I hadn't heard any yelling while I was upstairs.

"Are you alright?" I said.

"Oh, I´m fine, Heidi," she said. "But I think I should be asking you the same thing."

I frowned. "I´m fine… ."

Hannah laid the jeans she was folding down in the pile of folded clothes and looked at me evenly.

"I don´t think you are fine."

"Well… no. But you know how I´m feeling… ."

"I know you´re struggling, yes. But there´s something else isn´t there? Something else you´re not talking about."

I felt my heart start to pound in my chest, and so I avoided Hannah´s eyes when I said, "I don´t know what you mean."

"Ok." She picked up another item from the basket- it looked like one of Brian´s T-shirts.

Another couple of moments went past in uncomfortable silence while we worked. I tried to figure out what was happening- Hannah and I had never had an interaction like this before.

"Adam was really looking forward to spending the day with you on Saturday," she said then, into the silence.

I couldn´t look at her. "He was…?"

"Uh huh. I think you really hurt his feelings when you said you just didn´t want to go," she said.

I immediately felt bad. "I didn´t mean to hurt his feelings…"

Now the Hannah I knew, the Hannah I was used to, would have softened at this point, would have comforted me. This time, she didn´t. She just ploughed right on. She wasn´t even attempting to fold anything now, and her hands were on her hips.

"You can be pretty careless with your words and actions sometimes. Especially recently. I know you´re having a really hard time and I´m sorry for it. But in case you hadn´t noticed, everyone is bending over backwards to try and help you. Feeling badly doesn´t give you a license to behave however you want towards people, especially people who love you. There are 8 other people living in this house- it wouldn´t kill you to think about others for a change."

I stared at Hannah in shock. She had never, ever spoken like that to me before. Told me off so directly. Even in the previous months, when I had been behaving pretty badly- being really rude and doing reckless, rebellious things, she hadn´t told me off like this.

I felt hurt and then angry.

"You´re not my mom, Hannah!" I said, hotly. It was a bit of non-sequitur but what I meant by that was that she didn´t have the right to speak to me that way. It was a horrible thing to say. I can be pretty foul when I´m angry. Julia says it's a defense mechanism to shield me from my real feelings and that if I don´t work on it, it´ll get me into real trouble in my life.

Hannah got exactly what I meant too because then she said, "No, I´m not your mom. But I do a lot for you. I do it out of love for you and for Adam. I don´t want or need anything from you in return. You can´t have it both ways, though- you can´t treat me like a mom when you like what I´m doing and then throw it back in my face when you don´t like what I have to say."

I didn´t know what to do at that moment. I wanted to scream at Hannah, but I also didn´t want to because I was just about in control of myself enough to remember that tangling with Hannah meant tangling with Adam. And she was still standing there, looking furiously at me. Two pink spots had appeared on her cheeks.

I just wanted out before I did something I would regret. I threw down the pair of jeans that had been in my hands since Hannah had started going at me back into the basket and bolted out the back door.

I walked quickly, breathing heavily, my mind reeling with Hannah´s words. I wasn´t even aware of where I was walking until I found myself by the banks of the creek. I flopped down on the ground, under a tree and pulled my legs up to my chest and allowed myself to cry. It was the real ugly kind of crying, the kind you do when you´re really angry or devastated about something, but it didn´t last too long because I ran out of steam.

Luckily, I had some tissues in the pocket of my shorts. I mopped myself up and then just lay on the ground, staring up at the clouds. It was hot, but there were enough wisps of clouds in the sky to make staring at them interesting. I watched as they glided slowly past, morphing into different shapes on their journey. I so badly wanted to run off again, to go anywhere that wasn´t on the ranch. Running away was my default position when things were tough and I didn´t want to face up to what was happening. I knew that I couldn´t though. I had promised all my brothers that I wouldn´t take off again and I just couldn´t break that promise. So, I just lay and thought about what Hannah had said to me, oscillating between being angry and feeling hurt.

The more I lay thinking, the calmer I became. The calmer I became, the more I knew that Hannah was right. I did mostly think about myself these days: it was like I had forgotten that everyone else around me were people too with their own wants and needs and feelings. It made me feel like a pretty crappy person.

It was hot outside and all the looking up at the clouds and the thinking was making me sleepy. I thought I would close my eyes for just a minute.

/

When I awoke, the sun had moved in the sky, though the tree I was under was still providing me with shade. I sat up disoriented, trying to remember what I was doing there. I looked at my watch and then did a double take. It was 1.30pm- past lunchtime. I must have been asleep down here for hours. I scrambled up. I knew my brothers would be worried about me because I hadn´t shown up for a meal without clearing it first. Since I had run away, everyone got a bit panicked if they didn´t know my whereabouts, even if I was on our land, especially these days, with the state I was in.

I made my way to the road and walked quickly in the direction of the house. I was looking at the ground when I heard the sound of a motor and a couple of seconds later, a car came into view around the bend. It was Crane in the jeep. I knew he was out looking for me, because why else would be driving around here? My heart sank but at least it wasn´t Brian or Evan who would both express their displeasure by shouting at me.

Crane drove straight up to me and then put the car in park but left the engine on. I climbed into the passenger seat.

"Are you alright?" Crane demanded.

I nodded. "I´m fine. I´m sorry I missed lunch. I fell asleep by the creek," I said.

Crane studied me for a long moment but didn´t say anything. Then he put the car in gear again and continued driving very slowly down the road- inching really. The road was narrow and he wouldn´t be able to turn around until further down so we were going the wrong way.

"I´m sorry if I worried you," I offered again.

"You´re lucky we didn´t send a search party out for you, Heidi," Crane said.

"I only missed lunch!" I said. Then I remembered what Hannah had said about needing to think about others and I said, "But I´m sorry. I know you all worry about me taking off with everything that´s happened recently."

"Alright. Well, no harm done. We figured you´d be nearby, so no one´s too up in arms about it," Crane admitted then.

I smiled at him gratefully. We had reached the point in the road which is a bit wider now and Crane turned the car around to head back to the house. He could have gone faster now, but he didn´t. He just kept the car crawling at a slow pace.

"I heard you and Hannah had words," he said.

I sighed. "Yea. Does Adam know?"

"Yes. But Hannah said he´s to stay out of it. That it´s between you and her," Crane said.

"I guess he´ll still have something to say," I said, glumly.

Crane laughed and shook his head. "Not if wants to keep Hannah happy. She´s pretty fierce today."

"Tell me about it."

I took a deep breath because I was scared of Crane´s answer to my next question, but I had to know. I care about what all my brothers think of me, but Crane is one of the opinions I value the most because he´s so understanding most of the time.

"Crane, do you think I´m a selfish person?"

Crane looked at me and then back at the road.

"That what Hannah said to you?"

"Not in so many words."

Crane looked like he was thinking hard and then he said, "No. I don´t think you´re a selfish person. A selfish person is selfish their own whole lives, from childhood. And you definitely weren´t a selfish child. What I do think, though, is that this situation, this depression that you´re in at the moment has made you act introspectively. I understand why- that´s part of what grief and suffering does to some people. So, I guess in a way you´ve been acting selfishly recently. But I don´t think you´re a selfish person. Does that make sense?"

I stared out the window, processing what he was saying. "Uh huh. I don´t want to be selfish though," I said, looking at him now.

"Then don´t be," he said. He made it all sound so simple.

I sighed.

"I´m not saying that you´re not entitled to feel your feelings- you are and we all get that. Just remember that the rest of us have things going on in our lives too."

I smiled at him then, happy to have a segway into a lighter topic of conversation. "Like you and Molly?" I asked him, imitating Brian and raising one of my eyebrows.

Crane laughed. "Right. Like me and Molly."

"Is she back for good?" I said.

"She is."

"And are you and her a proper couple now?" I badgered.

"We are."

"And are you going to ask her to marry you soon?"

"That, little one, is none of your business," Crane said. But he was laughing as he said it.

"I´m just trying to show interest in your life!" I protested.

Crane just smiled and shook his head. We were approaching the house now tracking down our long driveway. Adam and Brian were visible on horseback a little into the distance. Crane waved at them as we drove up and I did too, to show them that I was safe in the car and not half way to god knows where. I worried that they would ride up and start hollering at me, but both of them just raised their hand in a greeting.

Crane pulled up at the house. "Make sure you eat something," he said, before heading towards the barn.

I went inside. My stomach was flopping a bit at the prospect of having to see Hannah which felt weird because I had never felt this way about seeing her before. When I walked in the front door though, the house was completely quiet. Hannah wasn´t anywhere visibly around and I wasn´t exactly itching to go and find her.

I did feel a bit hungry which I took to be a good sign. There was a plate of leftovers in the warming oven, but I didn´t fancy it and helped myself to some crackers, cheese and a handful of grapes. I ate them sitting at the table and then decided to take my book and go and read on the swing on the back porch.

I must have been reading about 20 minutes before I heard the swing of the back door opening and closing and then Hannah was there, in front of me. She was balancing two glasses of milk in one hand and a plate of cookies in the other.

"Mind if I sit down?" she said, indicating to the space next to me on the swing with her head.

I looked at her warily, unsure of her mood, but I motioned to show her that she could sit and took the glasses of milk from her, setting them beside me. She sat down on the other side of the glasses and put the plate of cookies down between us too.

"I come bearing cookies as a peace offering," she said. She took one and bit into it. "I´m sorry if I was a bit harsh before. I do stand by what I said though. I think you needed a bit of tough love. But I could have been gentler about it. I think it´s the hormones- they´re sending me into overdrive." She rubbed her belly absently.

"It´s ok. You were right- I´ve kind of only been thinking of myself lately. I can´t stop my thoughts from getting carried away sometimes," I said. "But I´m gonna try to do better. Try to be less self-obsessed."

Hannah smiled kindly at me and then she reached over and sort of patted my arm. She picked up one of the glasses of milk and took a sip.

"I´m just craving dairy all the time at the moment," she said. "I think this baby is going to be made of milk and cheese."

I smiled at her joke and then there was a brief moment of silence before I said, "I know you do nice things for me all the time, Hannah. You´re always there for me when I need you, especially over the last year. I guess I take you for granted sometimes…"

"Heidi, it´s not that you ta-"

"And I do think of you like a mom in a way," I continued, "But I also feel disloyal to my own mom so it´s all just… it´s all…"

"It´s all just a bit complicated," she finished for me.

I nodded, "Exactly."

"I get that," Hannah said slowly. "I guess I´m just asking you to stop hiding from us. Understand that you´re very lucky- you have 8 people in this house who love you very much, who want to see you well and at peace again."

"I know," I said, quietly.

"You need to talk to your brother about what´s bothering you," Hannah said. I knew she meant Adam.

I looked down at my nails and the thought crossed my mind absently that I needed to get a manicure.

"Do you really think that Adam likes spending time with me?" I asked, quietly.

Hannah put her now empty glass down between us and turned her body so that it was facing mine.

"Heidi, do you remember the day I arrived?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yea."

"Gosh, I got a shock. I thought I was coming to live with just with my husband and then when we got here, there were 7 other people living in the house." She laughed then at the memory. "And do you remember the way the boys treated me the first night at supper?"

I laughed with her. "Yea. Bunch of cavemen," I said.

"Right. It was a lot to take in over those few days. But you know, I never thought of leaving and you know why?"

I shook my head.

"It was the way Adam was with you and Guthrie. The way he was with all the boys, really, but mostly the way he was with you two. You fell out that tree and twisted your ankle really badly in the first week I was here, remember?"

I did remember. Guthrie and I had been fooling around and hanging upside down from the tree branches outside the house. On the way back down, I had jumped down from a height which was a little too high and had sprained my ankle badly. I remembered it had really hurt and had become hugely swollen, enough for Adam and Crane to take me to the hospital. It couldn´t have come at a worse time because we were in real trouble financially, and then I hadn´t been able to take part in too many events at the county fair the following week where my family had entered to win a bull because ours had fallen to its death days earlier.

"The way that Adam handled you when you were screaming in pain and then trussed up your foot; the way he held you and cuddled you when you were completely out of it on painkillers that night after getting back from the hospital, the way he carried you up to bed and tucked you in. It made me fall in love with him even more because I thought ´what a good father´. And the way he´s looked after you and the boys every day since."

Her eyes welled up and tears spilled over.

I looked at her in alarm. Hannah barely ever cried.

"Hannah, please don´t cry!" I said, rubbing her arm.

"Oh, just ignore these tears! I told you- it´s these darn hormones," Hannah said, laughing through her tears. She wiped them away with the pads of her fingers and turned to me. "Adam adores you, Heidi. What´s happened between you two this year has been hard on you, but it´s been hard on him too. He just wants to be close to you again."

I wanted that again too.

"I´ll talk to him. I promise," I said.

"Good."

She moved the glasses and plate of cookies to the floor so that they were no longer between us and then she turned back to me.

Can I give you a hug now?" she said.

I nodded, and then she put her arms around me. She held me tightly and I hugged her back tightly as well. And we sat like that for a while and it was nice.

/

I didn´t see Adam until late afternoon. He came inside to check in on Hannah while the two of us were making preparations for supper later on. I was a bit nervous because I didn´t know if he was going to lecture me for missing lunch, or for having words with Hannah. But all he said was, "I see you two have squared things then."

"We sure have cowboy." Hannah said. "Heidi and I have come to an understanding. Right, Heidi?"

I nodded at her. "Right."

"Good," Adam said. Then he went into the mudroom and rifled through the refrigerator that we keep there with medicine for the animals, muttering to himself about what he was looking for. I caught Hannah´s eye and made a quick decision, slipping out my seat and into the mudroom.

"Adam?" I said, hesitantly. Now would be the point where he could lecture me in private for my behavior if he was going to do it.

Apparently not though because he just continued searching the refrigerator. "Yea?"

"I´m sorry I missed lunch… and I was thinking… about what I said at breakfast about not wanting to go for a ride on Saturday."

Adam stopped what he was doing and looked at me intently, holding the refrigerator door open with his hand. He didn´t say anything but at least I had his full attention now.

"If it not too late to change my mind, I think I´d really like to go with you," I said.

Adam nodded his head once. Then he smiled at me. "Alright, Heidi. We´ll go."

I smiled back at him, relieved that it had been so easy. "Great."

"Are you gonna talk to me then? Tell me what´s on your mind?" he said.

I took a deep breath. "I´ll try my best."