Saturday rolled around quickly.
On Thursday evening, after I changed my mind and told Adam that I actually did want to go for a ride with him again, Hannah squeezed my hand when I came back to the table. She didn´t say anything, but I knew she was glad I had changed my mind again, although the real reason was that she had sort of bullied me into it.
That night, I lay in bed and thought about what I was going to say to Adam about how I was feeling. But I couldn´t really imagine myself actually telling him because I could picture his expression when I told him that despite the fact he had sacrificed his life since he had been 18 years old to raise us, there was a part of me that was scared for him to have his own child. I was disgusted with myself.
On Friday, I called Olivia, just to hear her news but also to check that she was ok after what Ford had told me. She didn´t seem particularly concerned though, even though her parents had found out how blindingly drunk she had been.
"Oh, that," she said breezily when I asked her if she was ok after Ford had taken her home, "It wasn´t such a big deal. I woke up the next day with a hangover, but it went away in a couple of hours."
"Don´t you think you should maybe take it easy a bit on the drinking when you go out, Liv," I suggested, trying to keep any judgement out my voice. I didn´t want to be a bore, but I knew, even without my brothers telling me, that drinking to the point of passing out was dangerous. Even though I had dragged the phone into Hannah and Adam´s room and had shut the door for privacy, I was careful to speak quietly. I didn´t need any of my three oldest brothers or Hannah hearing the subject of my conversation.
"Yea, I think I overdid it on the Vodka shots," Olivia said, giggling.
I was uncomfortable with sitting on the floor and pulled the cord to stretch it further so I could lie down on Hannah and Adam´s bed and still talk. "What did your parents say?" I asked, already suspecting I knew the answer.
"They just lectured me and told me not to get that drunk again. Hey, when do you think you´ll want to start coming out with us again?"
I couldn´t really answer that. I didn´t much feel like going out and partying at the moment and I knew that when I did feel like socializing again, I would have a hard time getting to one of those senior parties without my brothers finding out. I would have to give it more thought when the time came.
That evening, Adam came out the bedroom just as I was coming out the bathroom in my pajamas and bathrobe after having a shower. It was still early, but these days I fantasized about when I could go to bed from the time I got up in the morning. I said goodnight to him before he caught my arm and said, "Wait a minute, I want to talk to you about tomorrow."
I didn´t say anything but waited obediently for him to continue.
"We´ll head out after breakfast, before it gets too hot," he said. "That okay with you?
"Uh huh."
"Maybe you want to think tonight about what you´d like to eat tomorrow when we´re out there," he continued.
I shrugged, thinking that planning food for the next day sounded like a lot of work which I wasn´t particularly inclined to do at that point.
"Can´t we just take some snacks?" I said.
Adam lowered his chin to look down at me pointedly. "You´ll need to eat decently, Heidi. And anyway, I want a proper lunch as well! Why don´t you go down now and talk to Hannah about what we can take."
I sighed heavily and gave him a pitiful look. "Do I have to?"
Adam chuckled and pulled me forward by my shoulders, turning me in the direction of the stairs.
"C´mon. We´ll do it together."
With his hands still on my shoulders, he guided me down the stairs and into the kitchen.
It wasn´t so long after supper time and so Brian was still at the sink finishing dishes and Ford was drying them and putting them away. Crane and Hannah were sitting at the table drinking coffee and sharing the last of the berry pie straight from the dish.
Hannah looked at Adam and me as we came in in interest.
"Going to bed, sweetie?" she said. It seemed to me that she had been extra nice to me since she had really told me off the day before- I could tell that she felt bad but I didn´t hold it against her.
"Heidi and I were thinking about the food we´re going to take on our ride tomorrow," Adam said, speaking for me.
"Good idea," Hannah said, smiling at us.
"Yea, coz I don´t think ice cream will survive the journey," Brian said, turning his head from his place at the sink to smile at me.
I conceded a smile at his teasing. He was referring to the fact that since I had been allowed to choose what I wanted to eat, I subsisted mostly on ice cream. I had caught Hannah worrying to my brothers that I wasn´t getting enough nutrients on my current diet, but Crane had said that the main priority was to get me eating and that we would worry about a balanced diet later on.
If I´d had more energy or been more myself I may have made a smart comment back to Brian at that moment, but I felt so tired that I just wanted to sort out the food and get back to my room as quickly as possible.
"How about some ´Hannah special´ sandwiches?" Ford suggested.
"Do ´Hannah special´ sandwiches require Hannah to make them?" Hannah said sassily, raising her eyebrows. Hannah made amazing sandwiches, like the kind you get in a restaurant. Soon after she had joined our family, Guthrie had named them ´Hannah specials´.
Ford colored red. "No, I didn´t mean-"
"Relax!" Hannah said, smiling at him. "I was just teasing."
She looked back at Adam and me. "Is that what you two want?"
I shrugged, not caring too much at this point. "Yea, sure," I said.
"Only if you don´t mind, honey," Adam said, pulling Hannah up out of her chair and into his arms. He looped his hands around her waist and looked down at her.
"Anything for my number one cowboy," Hannah said, cupping Adam´s face between her hands and kissing him on the lips. Those two were all over each other at the best of times, but it seemed that since it was announced that they were going to have a baby, they couldn't keep their hands off each other. It was sweet in a way and it was nice to see a relationship modelled for me since I had grown up most of my life with that lacking.
"Great, now that that´s decided, can I go up to bed?" I said, gesturing with my thumb behind me.
Hannah disengaged from Adam and opened the refrigerator, riffling through the shelves.
"Not so fast, missy. You can give me a hand," she said.
I must have looked pained because Crane laughed. "I know," he said to me with a teasing smile. "You´re so hard done by."
/
The next morning, Adam and I set out after breakfast and chores and saddling the horses. Hannah had packed the sandwiches we had made the night before in a cooling bag, and along with some fruit and cookies, neither of which I thought I would eat, we managed to fit everything in our saddle bags. Adam brought canteens of water with us and a shotgun just in case. He made me wear a hat even though I didn´t want to.
"You´re not getting sunstroke on my watch," he said firmly to me, plonking the cap on my head.
I was a bit nervous about being by myself with Adam. It wasn´t being with him that was making me nervous- I normally loved to have Adam´s attention all to myself, but I had promised myself that I would talk to him about how I was feeling and so I was constantly thinking about how I was going to do it.
At first we rode side by side in silence for a while. It wasn´t an awkward or a tense silence though. I could tell Adam was enjoying the beauty of the scenery around us like he always does when he´s riding on our land without a job to do.
"It´s pretty out here," I commented after we had ridden for a while.
"It sure is. Prettiest place in the world if you ask me," Adam said. "Not that I´ve seen much else other than here."
I turned my head to look at him.
"Would you like to though?"
"Like to, what?"
"See someplace else."
Adam cocked his head to one side in thought. I guess I would… one day."
"Where would you like to go? I mean if you could choose anywhere in the world to visit?" I asked him.
Adam smiled. "That´s a good question." He was quiet for a moment and I could tell he was thinking. "I think I´d like to see New York. Find out what the big fuss is about."
"That´s where you´d go if you could go anywhere in the whole world?" I asked, surprised.
"Yea… I guess I´ve never given it too much thought though. But you… you I see in Europe somewhere when you´re older…" he said, with a slow smile.
"Really?" I asked. His words surprised me. It was the first time Adam had acknowledged outright to me that he was fully aware that I didn´t think about ranching being in my future. More and more as I had grown up I had longed to travel and see new places. Maybe it would change, but I knew very definitely that Murphys was not where I wanted to end up.
Adam was still smiling at me but I thought I could see some sadness in his eyes. "Yea… I know we don´t have too many years left with you being around," he said.
"I´d come back to visit though," I said. "And you could come visit me, wherever I end up…"
Adam didn´t really say anything to that and so I said hastily, "I mean, your family can come. You and Hannah and the baby. And maybe more kids you´ll have."
Adam still didn´t say anything, but he didn´t look angry or upset or anything. We lapsed back into a comfortable silence for a while.
We continued to ride up into high country for a while, but after a couple of hours I was feeling a bit stiff. I think Adam could tell, because he suggested that we take a rest for a while. The sun was high in the sky and it was blazing hot. I was glad that Adam had made me wear the hat and that I had applied sun screen to my bare shoulders and arms before I had left the house. Adam never wore any, but he had always made sure that us younger kids were sun protected when we went outside as kids, especially in the summer, and the habit had stuck.
Because of the heat, Adam suggested we take rest under the shade of a tree. We had brought a blanket with us, so Adam unrolled it and spread it out. We watered the horses and tied them up loosely nearby also under the shade of a tree so they could rest.
"You hungry?" Adam asked.
I wasn´t and told him so. He didn´t insist that I eat anything then but he did make me drink some water. He sat back on the blanket, leaning against the trunk of the tree and stretching his legs out in front of him. I lay on my stomach with my head turned to one side, resting on my arms.
The heat and the tinkle of water from a stream nearby, coupled with the heady smell of summer in the air was making me feel a little sleepy. I shut my eyes for a moment. Adam prodded my side lightly with his foot. "Hey, don´t go to sleep on me now!"
"I´m just resting my eyes," I murmured.
"Maybe this will help get you up," Adam said, leaning forward to tickle me. He hadn´t done that since I was much younger and I squealed and immediately sat up, knowing I was so ticklish that he could make me gasp with laughter. I sat cross legged now, facing him.
"That´s better," he said, laughing and I laughed too.
Then his face became a bit more serious.
"Uh, Heidi, I´ve been wantin´ to talk to you for a little while now," he said. "And now, bein´ up here with us alone seems like the perfect time to do it. What d´ya think?"
I looked at him warily. "Okay… what about."
"About how you´re feelin´ now. About mom and dad. And about everythin´ that´s happened over the last few weeks and months."
I didn´t really know what to say to that, but I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster, just like it always did when this subject came up.
"Okay…" I managed.
"So how are you feelin´?" Adam said, stressing the word ´are´.
I shrugged. "I´m doing okay, I guess…" I said, struggling for the words. "I think I´m starting to accept that things are the way they are."
Adam nodded.
"I mean, I know that mom and dad will never be part of my life, at least physically. And I´m starting to be okay with it. I´m not fantasizing about them being here anymore," I said.
"I guess that´s good," Adam said.
"Yea..." I shrugged at him and gave him a small smile. "I guess there´s not much more I can say…"
"I´m glad that you´re starting to process those feelin´s," Adam said slowly. "But the thing is, that I can tell that somethin´ else is on your mind." He was looking at me really intently now.
I didn´t say anything because I could feel the wave of emotion rising up through me. It paralyzed me with hurt, just like those feelings about my parents had done and sometimes continued to do.
"Do you remember what we talked about when I brought you home from Julia´s that time you ran away?" Adam asked.
He had said lots of things and I didn´t know quite what he was referring to. I frowned quizzically.
"I said that I wanted you to be able to talk to me about how you feel. You used to talk to me all the time when you were a little girl, do you remember?"
"Yea…" I said.
"Right. So somewhere along the line, we kind of lost that. Don't you think?" he said.
I plucked at a handful of grass next to the blanket, looking down.
"I guess."
I had to marvel at Adam´s persistence. I don´t think I could have had so much patience with me at this point.
"So I think it could really help you if you tell me what´s on your mind," Adam said.
I knew that it was now or never to tell Adam how I was feeling about the baby, especially as he was giving me an opening. I may not get another opportunity again that day. But I was so embarrassed by my feelings and that what I was about to say was so utterly childish that I couldn´t look at him.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and covered my face with my hands.
"I… I´m just..."
Adam waited patiently.
"I´m scared that when you have the baby you won´t love me as much anymore," I said, rushing out the words.
There. I had said it and now there was no turning back. I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and waited for Adam to tell me that I was being selfish, or childish or ridiculous for having those feelings.
I heard Adam intake breath, like a sort of gasp and then he said, "Look at me, Heidi."
I couldn´t bring myself to look up. "I can´t," I said, my voice muffled behind my hands.
"Yes, you can," Adam said. He gently took hold of both of my forearms and lowered them away from my face.
I couldn´t meet Adam´s gaze directly, but I did glance up at him fleetingly. I don´t know what I was expecting to see there: maybe irritation, or disappointment, or disgust.
But what I saw was kindness. And love.
"You know, Heidi," Adam said, "mom and dad had 8 kids, which, if you think about it, is a lot. I was too little when Brian was born to really understand what was happening, but when Crane was born, I was five and I wasn´t happy."
I looked up, directly at Adam now. "You weren´t?"
"Nope. I was jealous as hell because suddenly mom´s time was taken up by the new baby. I remember one time, I brought home a drawin´ from kindergarten I wanted to show mom, but when I got home, Crane was screamin´ and she couldn´t look at it right then and there. I was so upset; I ran to the barn and cried. I felt like mom didn´t love me anymore now that she had the new baby."
"What did mom do?" I asked, trying to picture another life with Adam as a little boy and my mom still alive and well. I wouldn´t even have been a thought: there would be 3 more babies born after that before Guthrie and I were spun into being.
Adam smiled softly and he got that faraway look in his eyes that he always gets when he talks about our mother. "Mom must have got dad to look after Crane, because she came out to the barn and found me there, in the attic. She pulled me onto her lap, just like I was a baby again and she asked me what was wrong. And then when I told her, she said the followin´ thing to me which I´ll never forget. She said, that there´s no limit on a parent´s love. That when another baby comes along, the love doesn´t get transferred onto the new child and taken away from the older one; the heart just gets bigger and full of more love- enough for everybody. And this baby- well, it´s just one more person for you to love. And one more person who will love you."
My eyes filled with tears again which blurred my vision. I wiped them away with my hands.
"Yea, but…" I said, swallowing hard. I couldn´t bring myself to finish and I looked down again, noticing idly that a couple of ants had crawled onto the blanket. I absently flicked at one.
"But what?" Adam said.
I took a deep breath. "But I´m not really yours," I whispered. "I mean, this baby will be your son or daughter. I´m just your sister."
"My god, Heidi," Adam said softly. "Is that really how you think I see you?"
I shrugged and wiped away more falling tears. "Maybe."
Adam reached out and took my chin in his hand so I could look at him. I tried to pull away, but although his grip on me was gentle, it was too strong and it meant I had no choice but to meet his gaze. Normally Adam only makes me look at him that that when I´m in trouble so he can make his point clear, but now I saw, with shock, that his eyes were watery.
"Heidi, I know that this year has been really hard on you because you´ve missed mom and dad. And I know I´m not dad. But I have raised you as best I could since you were two years old. You and Guthrie both. I toilet trained you. I taught you how to ride a horse. I was there on your first day of elementary school and middle school and high school. I was there when you lost your first tooth and for your birthdays and Thanksgivings and Christmases. I tucked you into bed at night and comforted you when you woke up with bad dreams. I was there when you were sick or scared or sad. I went to all your parent teacher conferences. I disciplined you when you needed it and I´ve been there for all your successes too. So it would be downright impossible for me not to love you or see you as my own child. The others- well, Daniel, Evan and Ford- they were my first kids. But you and Guth," Adam paused and then said gently, "you two will always be my first babies."
That was a long and heartfelt speech for Adam. I had never known him to be so candid about his feelings with me before. The floodgates opened and I started sobbing uncontrollably although I´m not sure why. Perhaps it was relief, perhaps it was gratitude. In any case, Adam let go of my chin and pulled my upper body into him. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and I cried hard into his chest, like I had done so often lately, but this time purging the feelings of rejection and abandonment. Adam seemed to understand that I needed to cry. He didn´t try to hush me like he had done in times before, he just held me until the storm had passed, which it did relatively quickly.
I was the first one to pull away, mainly because my nose had become all stuffed up and I needed to blow it so I could breathe. Adam reached into his pocket and then handed me a tissue for me to blow my nose.
"I always bring Kleenex with me when you´re around," Adam said. I laughed through my tears.
I was suddenly very tired after the outburst of emotion. Adam must have seen it because he said, "Alright, why don´t you lie down for a while and rest a little. I think it would be okay now."
I did what he said and lay down fully. Adam emptied out one of the saddle bags and rolled it up so I could use it as a pillow.
There was something else I wanted to ask though, something else I had to know.
"Can I ask you something else?" I said, looking up at Adam, who was now leaning back again against the tree.
"Anything."
"Why don´t you ever want us to call you dad?" It was something I had wondered about over the years but had never felt like I could ask Adam outright.
I could see from Adam´s face that he was taken aback by my question.
"You´ve never tried to call me dad, from what I can remember," he said.
"I don´t mean me. I mean Daniel, or Evan sometimes."
Adam looked thoughtful and he didn´t answer straight away. He pushed his hair which was damp with sweat, back from his forehead. Then he said, "Well, firstly, they mostly called me ´dad´ when they wanted to needle me, so it irritated me. But…I guess it makes me feel uncomfortable. I think it´s because it reminds me that I´m not dad, you know. I can never hope to be half the father to you guys that he would have been," Adam said.
"I think you´re a pretty good one," I said, sleepily and then I smiled at him. "And you´ll be a good one to this baby too."