Kissing Josh was like nothing I had ever known. I hadn't had too much experience with boys thus far- well I had kissed a couple- but it hadn't felt anything like this. Kissing him gave meaning to the things I had read in books or seen in movies or heard people talking about. I felt myself get lost in him and when he pulled away, I felt breathless. Dizzy even.
I must have seemed a bit shell shocked because Josh looked at me in concern.
"You alright, Heidi?"
I nodded, unable to give him a proper answer. I was still sitting on the island in the middle of Olivia's kitchen, and with Josh being quite a bit taller than me, we were facing each other.
He smiled at me and put his hand in my hair, his eyes meeting mine.
"You're really pretty, you know that?"
Again, I found myself incapable of speech- something which very rarely, if ever, happens to me.
Josh laughed. "You're sweet," he said, before kissing me again. Him kissing me stirred up feelings of desire in my whole body it seemed, from the very top of my hair down to my toes. A thought flitted through my head that I could now understand how people could go further than just kissing. I had just met this guy, yet I felt like I wanted to kiss him forever.
Josh and I kissed for a while longer. We didn't do anything other than kiss- he didn't even try. In between kissing, we would just look into each other's eyes in what an onlooker would describe as a corny way. We were only interrupted when Josh's cousin, Frankie, came into the kitchen looking for a beer from the refrigerator.
"There you guys are! We were wondering where you two had got to. We thought you'd gone upstairs," Frankie said, smirking in a sort of knowing way.
It took a couple of moments for me to understand what he meant by 'going upstairs', and when I realised, I annoyingly flushed red, in spite of myself.
"We've just been hanging out in here," I said to Frankie, stiffly.
Josh noticed my discomfort and sought to put me at ease because he said, "Heidi and I have just been in here talking."
Frankie laughed.
"Looked a whole lot different than talkin' to me."
"Well it wasn't," Josh said shortly, again speaking for me. I wished at that moment that I could speak for myself, but for some reason, I felt incapable. Ashamed, even though I knew I hadn't done anything wrong. It made me want to punch Frankie in his stupid face.
"Let's go back outside, Heidi," Josh said to me then, taking my hand and pulling me lightly off the island. I followed himself outside to the sound of Frankie's smug and derisive laughter.
When we got back outside, I saw that the others were all hanging out in couples on the grass on the deck chairs. Olivia was sitting on Talbot's knee, curled up to him seemingly making out, and the other girls were also all over their particular guy in a variety of positions. Only Mia was sitting alone, but then Frankie came back out, following us. He sat down and pulled Mia up onto his chair so that she was sort of straddling him and then bounced her so it looked like they were simulating some sort of sexual act. It shocked me- I hadn't ever seen someone acting that way before in real life, but Mia just laughed and slapped him playfully.
Since Paul and Wade had finished grilling, Josh asked me if I wanted to grab some food. I told him I did so we grabbed a plateful from the table where the food was laid out, in the corner of Olivia's garden and then went to join the others. I hadn't taken too much because it was mostly food you eat with your hands and I felt shy to eat in front of Josh.
We sat down on deck chairs, next to each other, but not touching. I saw Olivia had managed to momentarily dislodge herself from Talbot's grip to look over at me and raise her eyebrows suggestively as though to ask what was going on. I smiled at her. I knew she would be able to tell from my smile that I liked Josh, since she knew me well.
"So, what do you guys do around here for fun?" Josh asked me.
"Have parties like this I guess," I said dryly, gesturing to the canoodling couples around us. We both laughed.
"No seriously, though, where are the cool hang out places?"
"Hasn't Frankie told you? Or shown you?" I asked.
"He has… but I'm asking you." His smile made my belly flip.
"Well…" I said, thinking, "There's Rick's joint in Angel's Camp where some kids hang out, and then there's the pizza place there, or there a couple of hang out places in Murphys- the ice cream parlor and the diner. Or there's the movie theater. And then there's the lake where some kids have parties sometimes."
Even to my ears, it sounded sort of lame. "It's a small place; there's more options when you turn 21," I added, thinking of the places my brothers went to sometimes.
"Huh," Josh said, taking a bite out of his chicken wing. Clearly, he didn't have the same hang ups about eating in front of me. It left his lips greasy, but it made me want to kiss him more. "You think your folks would let me take you to one of these places some time?"
I hesitated, thinking that I would have some job getting my brothers to allow me to date a senior, judging by their overreaction to everything I had wanted to do in my life this far.
"Unless you don't want to," Josh added, hastily.
"No! I do!" I said quickly, "I wasn't hesitating because I don't want to. It's just my family are kind of over protective. Actually, a lot over protective."
"Oh yea? Your daddy strict or something?"
"My brothers…" I said, proceeding to tell him about my family situation. Part of me wished that I didn't have to- the part of me that still held onto the fantasy that my parents were alive which I had kept hold of from earlier in the year. But the part of me that lived in reality knew that there was no point in lying or withholding anything.
"Wow, that must be tough. I'm sorry, Heidi," Josh said, meeting my eyes directly. In them, I saw sympathy. As though he really felt badly for me. It shocked me a little. Not in a bad way- but just in that it surprised me. Even though I knew he wasn't criticising, I still felt a need to defend my brothers.
"It's okay; I mean, I had a great childhood. My brothers- Adam and Brian- the ones who raised us- they're strict, but they're loving. And kind. And my other brothers are great too."
"That's good, but it still must be tough though. Not knowing your mom and dad. Even if you don't know any different."
I don't really remember my response. I think I looked at him with a sort of awe that someone I had just met could understand me so well or be so in tune with my thoughts.
Josh and I talked the rest of the evening. Even though we were surrounded by people, everyone else sort of blurred away. I told him all about Hannah and the baby, and he told me about life in the big city. I told him some of the difficulties I'd had over the past year, grieving for my parents. He told me about how hard he was taking his parents' divorce and how much he missed his dad. In between talking, we kissed some more. By the time it came time for me to head outside to Olivia's front yard, I felt like I'd known him forever.
"I have to go," I told him after checking my watch and seeing it was close to 10.30, "One of my brothers is picking me up."
"Like Cinderella, huh?" he said, smiling at me.
I laughed.
Josh gestured around him. "What am I gonna do here now you're going?"
I looked around, paying attention to my surroundings for the first time since we had started talking again. Olivia and Talbot were laying on the grass, intertwined in each other. Talbot had his hand up her skirt and inside her top. The other couples were sprawled out on various points in the garden in similar positions. Except Mia and Frankie. There was no sign of them anymore.
"I guess you could hose them all down with cold water," I said dryly, and we both laughed. Even though I wanted to stay talking to Josh forever, there was a part of me that was glad that my brothers had insisted I come home that evening rather than stay over. I was feeling off kilter- ungrounded in a way. I needed time to think over and process everything that had happened.
"Can I call you sometime?" Josh asked me.
"Sure."
We headed through to the kitchen and Josh found a pen and paper. I wrote my number on it and gave it to him. And then he kissed me one last time before I walked out the front to meet whoever was coming to pick me up.
/
When I came around to the front of Olivia's house, I saw the jeep parked up on the street with the engine turned off. Crane was in the driver's seat.
"How come it's you picking me up?" I demanded as I hopped into the passenger seat.
"It's nice to see you too," Crane said, dryly. He turned on the motor and pulled out onto the road.
I laughed. "No, it's just because Adam and Brian made a big deal saying they had to be the ones to pick me up. And now it's you."
Crane scratched his nose. "Hannah wasn't feeling well, so Adam wanted to stay with her, and Brian hit the rack early- said he was wiped out, so Adam asked me to come get you."
"Is Hannah okay?" I asked, alarmed, envisaging some catastrophe where she and the baby were unwell. Julia had told me I catastrophised because of the early loss we all experienced.
"She's fine, Heidi- it's just a headache."
"Oh okay. Good."
We drove along in companionable silence for a few minutes and then I asked, "Did you see Molly tonight?"
"Nah- she had some sort of emergency with a horse over in her uncle's clinic."
"She went back there?"
"Yea. Her uncle's retiring and leaving her the practice."
"That's cool!"
"Yea. You can ask her more about it tomorrow- she's coming over for lunch. After church."
"Urgh. Church," I said, rolling my eyes. It was point of contention between my family and I that I had recently become disillusioned with organised religion. I hated going, but Adam made me. He'd told me I could stop when I was 18 if I still wanted to.
Crane side eyed me but remained silent. I think he deliberately doesn't engage with me when I make remarks about church because he thinks I'm being purposely inflammatory. I'm not though. I just don't want to go.
"How was the party?" he asked me instead.
"Good."
"What did you guys do?"
I felt my heart rate quicken, even though I knew there was no way he could possibly know about Josh. I didn't look at him when I said, "We just hung out. Listened to music. Talked. You know- the usual stuff kids do at get togethers."
"And you didn't drink, right?"
"Noooo, Crane," I said, drawing out and emphasising the 'No'.
Crane held up a hand in defence. "Just checking!"
Crane and I talked about other things then: things to do with the ranch, how I was feeling about going back to school in a couple of weeks- things like that. My head was half spinning, thinking about the evening and meeting Josh. It was nice though; talking to Crane made me realise that we didn't get too much one on one time these days. You can talk to Crane about all sorts of things and he doesn't get riled in the way that Brian would if you say something he doesn't like, or the way that Adam does when you disagree with him. I realised I had missed hanging out with Crane.
When we pulled up to the house and went inside, all was quiet. Brian was asleep in his bed in the living room, but Guthrie wasn't there. Crane went straight upstairs to his room, but I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen sink before taking it up to my room. My window was open slightly, letting in a cool night breeze and it was just the right temperature in my room for it to be comfortable. I love the smell of the breeze on a warm summer evening. I lay down on my bed and thought about Josh, thoughts tumbling through my mind like clothes in a washing machine. Our first conversation. Kissing him. His blue flecked eyes. Kissing him. His hands in my hair. Kissing him. Talking to him more. He had said he would call, but I knew guys just said that sometimes when they had no intention whatsoever of calling. I hoped he would though. Even if it was going to make life more complicated between me and my brothers.
My thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock at the door.
"Come in," I called, quietly.
My door opened a bit and Adam was there, standing in the entrance to my room.
"Hey," he said.
"Hey."
"I just wanted to check in on you before I go to bed. You have a good time?"
"Uh huh. Thanks for letting me go."
Adam smiled at me. "I'm glad you had fun. Church in the mornin'."
"I know. Crane already told me. Do I really have to go?" I asked, knowing the answer before I heard it.
"Yes, Heidi. You really have to go," he said. He shook his head as though he didn't know what to do with me, but I could tell it was playful which made me feel more charitable towards his decree.
I smiled at him. "Okay."
"Sleep good," Adam said, leaving my room and shutting the door softly.
And then I went back to thinking about Josh.
/
I used my time at church the next day to think more about Josh. It was like he couldn't get enough air time in my head. The only thing was, that now I had more to think about.
We took three cars to church that morning- the jeep, our truck and Daniel drove himself there in his truck alongside Evan. Crane and Ford went in the cab of our family truck and Hannah, Adam and Brian went in the jeep. I guess either Guthrie or I could have ridden with Daniel in his truck and one of us in the cab of our truck, but we both opted to ride in the family's truck bed to catch up with each other as we hadn't seen each other since the day before. It turned out that Guthrie had spent the evening at his friend Cooper's house and been dropped back early this morning. Now, we sat, side by side, leaning against the back of the cab of the truck, with our legs stretched out in front of us. Guthrie was munching on a banana he had grabbed from the fruit bowl on our way out the house.
"How was last night?" he asked me as we ambled along the long road that led us from our house onto one of the main roads to Murphys.
"Fun! Yours?"
"Fine. Regular. Hunter and Greg came over to Cooper's and we watched movies, hung out. That kind of thing. I can't wait till I can drive. It's gonna make life a whole lot easier. And more exciting."
"Yea. Me too. It seems like ages away," I said. Guthrie and I had only turned 15 a few months back, at the end of May.
"Yea," he agreed, looking glum.
I turned my body slightly so I could look at Guthrie, rather than just the scenery rushing past now that Crane had picked up the speed in the truck.
"Guth, I met someone last night. A boy. I really like him," I said.
Now that I had had time to process the events of the previous evening, I found myself dying to tell someone about it. Some people might have found it weird that I would tell my twin brother about a guy I liked, but Guthrie and I told each other everything. As we had grown older, we hung out less together socially, unless it was at a big event, but we remained close and we still constantly confided in each other. Our relationship had suffered slightly from the events of this year- one day Guthrie had told me that he felt hurt that I hadn't confided in him about my feelings over the death of our parents. Over the summer though as I had recovered from my depression, we had moved back into our familiar rhythm.
Guthrie tossed his banana skin to the end of the truck bed. "Oh yea? Who is he? Anyone from school?"
"No. He's new here- just moved to town. He's a guy called Frankie's cousin though, and Frankie goes to our school."
Guthrie's head swivelled round so quickly to look at me I was surprised he didn't get whiplash.
"Wait. Frankie Flaherty's cousin?"
"I don't know his last name…" I said.
"A senior guy? Tall, dark hair, Got muscles?"
"Yea…"
Guthrie shook his head. "Oh man, Heidi. Frankie Flaherty and his friends are who Olivia and the others have been hangin' out with all summer?"
"I think so… I mean yea, I guess," I said, "Why, what's the big deal?"
Guthrie shook his head again which made me feel impatient. I kicked him lightly.
"Guth! Tell me!"
"Frankie's not a good guy, Heidi. Him or his friends. They're complete asses."
I thought back to Frankie's behavior the previous evening. I had to admit, I had found him obnoxious, and disrespectful, but that didn't make him evil. Not in the way that Guthrie was suggesting by his reaction to him.
"Asses in what way?" I asked.
"In the way they treat girls. They've got a real bad reputation, Heidi. Having sex with girls, spreading rumors about them- that kind of thing."
"How do you know all this?" I demanded. I felt a little shocked. Sure, the guys had been all over my friends the previous evening, but they hadn't seemed sinister or anything.
Guthrie shrugged. "Guys talk."
"Okay…" I said, thinking about what he had said. "But Josh isn't like that. He's completely different."
Guthrie snorted. "Okay," he said, his tone heavily laced with sarcasm.
"He is!"
"How do you know, Heidi?"
"Because!" I said, grasping round for a way to explain how gentle Josh was to Guthrie. "He is- I know he is. He was really nice and respectful to me. He's nice! And really interesting."
"Yea, well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You can't see him again, Heidi," Guthrie said. His face had clouded over in the way I recognised from the past, where he's settling in to be stubborn.
I looked at Guthrie with my mouth agog. I felt like I was looking at a stranger. Guthrie never, ever told me what I could and couldn't do. That was the department of my other brothers. Guthrie was my confidante, my pal. My fellow partner in crime.
"You can't tell me what to do, Guthrie!" I felt like I was going to cry, but my words came out sounding angry.
"No. But I can tell Adam. Or Brian. And they can tell you what to do," he said, looking grim.
"Guthrie!"
"I mean it, Heidi!" he said, sounding angry too. "Frankie and his friends are dangerous. If Josh is hanging out with them, he's gonna be just like them. I don't care if you hate me forever, I'm not gonna let you see him again. Or any of those guys."
If we hadn't been in a truck, on a main road, I would have launched myself at Guthrie. I felt like scratching out his eyes. I was furious. And hurt. Who did he think he was, telling me what to do? Where had my friend gone?
I had to settle for ignoring him completely and staring out straight in front of me with my arms crossed and my jaw clenched. Guthrie sat the same way for the rest of the journey. When Crane pulled into the church parking lot, I stood up before he had even finished parking, and the minute the truck stopped, I hopped out, charging ahead into church, putting as much distance between myself and my traitorous brother as possible.
Luckily, I ended up seated next to Adam, and that meant that I was free to sift through my own thoughts because Adam wouldn't try to talk to me during the service. I normally hate sitting next to Adam in church, or Crane, because both take it too seriously in my opinion. They'll never try to chat to you, or laugh, so it can be quite boring. But today, it was perfect because I needed time to understand what had just happened.
If someone had asked me to recount anything of what the pastor talked about during the sermon, I wouldn't be able to tell you. My thoughts flitted continuously from feeling enraged by Guthrie's sanctimonious attitude towards me to considering what he had said about Frankie and the rest of the guys. It didn't surprise me to hear that they weren't about to win any awards for chivalry, but I knew Josh was different. I just knew it. It panicked me that Guthrie had said he would tell Adam and Brian what he had heard about the guys my friends had been hanging out with. Not only would my brothers never let me date Josh if he ever called, but they would ban me from going places where it was just my friends and those guys, and that would severely impact my social life. I would have to find a way to keep Guthrie quiet.
/
After the sermon was over, we all milled around outside talking to neighbours or other people in the congregation. I studiously avoided Guthrie at all costs. He did the same. I chatted for a bit with a couple of girls from school who also attended our church before making a beeline for Daniel who I noticed out of the corner of my eye, was climbing into his truck.
"Daniel! Wait up!" I called, sprinting towards him.
Daniel turned and saw me and then wound down his window so he could talk to me.
"Can I ride home with you now?" I asked the moment I reached the car.
Daniel smiled at me, regretfully. "Sorry kiddo, I'm goin' straight to the roadhouse for a rehearsal with the band," he said.
"Oh…well can I come with you?" I wanted some time away from the house to think about things.
"Not this time- we're playin' a gig tonight straight after so there won't be time to drop you back at home."
"Oh, okay. See you later then," I said, turning to walk back towards the conversing crowd.
"Heidi!"
I turned back.
"You okay?"
"Yea, sure."
"How was last night?"
"It was fun."
"You're not actin' like it was fun."
I tried to smile at Daniel in a reassuring way. I wished I could talk to him about everything, but I knew if I told him about what Guthrie had said, he would have the same reaction.
"I didn't get enough sleep, I guess."
Daniel looked at me sceptically. I was saved though by the fact that he was in a rush.
"We'll talk more later, or tomorrow. Okay?" he said.
I held up my hand to say bye and then Daniel started the motor and sped out the church parking lot.
We didn't leave for another 30 minutes after that. Every time it looked as though it were about to happen, someone else would approach Hannah or Brian or Crane. Guthrie rode home in the truck with Crane, Ford and Brian and I sat in the back of the jeep with Evan and Hannah and Adam up front. One of the other ranchers in our area had asked Evan to do some work with his horses in the next couple of weeks, so the three of them talked about that while I half listened.
When we pulled up to the house, I noticed that there was a cardboard box sitting on the porch, just outside the screen door.
"Are any of you expecting a parcel in the mail?" I asked.
"Not me," Evan said.
"I'm not either. Honey, you expectin' anything?" Adam said, addressing Hannah.
Hannah shook her head. "Nope. Maybe it's for one of the other guys."
I climbed out the back of the jeep and headed towards the front door. Adam went around to help Hannah out the jeep, even though she didn't need it all, and Evan headed straight down towards the barn despite calls from Hannah that he should change clothes.
As I got closer to the box, I realised that it was missing a top; it was completely open. The moment I reached it, I peered inside. My stomach drop when I saw its contents.
There, sleeping peacefully, nestled in layers of pink and white blankets, was a baby.