"I'll get it," I said. I quickly rinsed my hands and then headed through to the cove in the living room where the phone was kept.
"Hello?" I said, picking up the phone and holding the receiver to my ear.
"Hi, uh can I speak to Heidi please?" a voice said.
I felt a skip in my belly. I knew that voice.
"It's me. Heidi."
"Oh hi. It's Josh. From last night."
As if I would have forgotten!
"Hi," I said again and then cursed myself inwardly for my awkwardness.
"How are you today?"
"I'm good. How are you? How was the party after I left?"
"I left not long after you," Josh said. He laughed. "There didn't seem much point staying there after you were gone."
I felt myself blushing. Good god, what was wrong with me?!
"Oh…," I managed.
There was an awkward kind of moment of silence and then Josh cleared his throat and said, "Anyway, I really enjoyed meeting you last night, and I wondered if I could take you out one night this week. Since school hasn't started yet."
My heart started to beat faster as I thought quickly. I was beside myself that Josh had kept his promise and called me, and what's more, had called me the very next day! And since it was summer, going out on a weeknight wouldn't be a problem at all. The problem would be Josh himself- his age and the fact that Guthrie had gone all macho on me and said that he would tell my oldest brothers about Frankie and the other guys. Still, I liked Josh so much that I would have to find a way to see him.
"Heidi, you still there?" Josh said, and I realised I'd been silent while I'd been contemplating.
Above me, upstairs, Crane, Guthrie and Adam were retrieving the parts from the crib which had been dismantled years ago and put up in the attic when Guthrie and I outgrew it. Adam was fully in the attic and was handing parts of it down to Crane and Guthrie who were stationed upstairs, receiving them. They were making an almighty din- clattering and talking to each other in what seemed like the loudest voices possible. I put my finger in my ear to block out the noise.
"Yea, sorry, I'm still here," I croaked.
"You don't have to say yes if you don't want to," Josh said, sounding unsure now.
"No, I'm sure. I mean I'm sure I want to. Go out with you I mean."
Never in my life could I remember being so inarticulate.
"Great!" Josh said, and in his voice, I could hear his gladness. I pictured his wonderful smile and his blue flecked eyes. "Does Tuesday work for you?"
"Yea, Tuesday is good."
Josh told me he could pick me up at 7 and asked for the address of the ranch.
I gave it to him, but thinking ahead, I asked for his number too. In my head I was thinking that if I couldn't find a way to bring my brothers round, I would have to employ Olivia or one of the other girls to help me.
"Have a good couple of days, Heidi," Josh said, before he hung up.
I replaced the receiver and then just stood, staring at the phone for a few seconds, lost in my own world.
Adam, Crane and Guthrie were coming down the stairs now, each carrying different parts of the crib.
"Who was on the phone?" Crane asked, as the three of them reached the bottom of the stairs.
"Just Olivia," I said, trying to avoid meeting his eye and the eye of Adam and Guthrie- Adam because he was still mad at me for snatching the note out his hand earlier, and Guthrie because I had remembered that I was mad at him!
I left my brothers to it in the living room, talking about what tools they needed to rebuild the crib, and went back to the kitchen to help Molly with lunch preparations again.
/
We didn't eat lunch until Evan and Ford had returned from their trip to Sonora with the paraphernalia which Hannah had instructed them to get.
Hannah went through the bag, taking out each item methodically and inspecting it to make sure it was up to standards- formula for milk, cloths, wipes- things like that. She already had lots of baby clothes that her friends or people from church had given her, along with bottles. We had teased her at first, because she was still only in her second trimester, but now it appeared as though her stockpiling was going to come in handy. When she pulled out the diapers from the bag, she inspected them and then sighed.
"Boys, these are way too big! Look at the size of her- there's no way these are going to fit her!"
The boys looked bemused.
"Aren't all diapers the same?" Ford said.
"No, of course not. There are different sizes!"
"How were we supposed to know that?" Evan said.
Hannah shook her head, in what looked like exasperation. "Well, these will get used eventually, either by Starr, or this little one," she said, patting her ever growing bump fondly. "We'll have to make do with cloth ones for now."
"Eww," said Guthrie, looking disgusted. "There's no way I'm changing a diaper."
"Why not? Most of us have done it plenty of times for you," Crane pointed out.
"I'm still not doing it."
"Lunch is ready," Molly said.
The boys made noises of appreciation as though they had been deprived of food for months rather than just a few hours. And they called me dramatic!
My brothers took their places while Molly, Hannah and I put the food on the table. As Hannah sat down, she asked Brian, who was sat in his place still as pale as a ghost holding a still sleeping Starr, if he wanted her to hold the baby for a while to give him a break.
"No… it's alright," Brian said.
"I wonder when she's going to wake up!" Evan said, "She's been asleep for ages!"
"A sleepin' baby is a blessin' from my experience," Adam said, which got a laugh out of some of us.
We were right in the middle of eating when we heard a car coming down our driveway.
"That'll probably be Charlie," Adam said, getting up to look out the window. "Yep, it is."
He headed toward the front door and moments later, we heard him greeting Charlie and another man, whose voice I didn't recognise. He brought them through to the kitchen where Charlie greeted everyone and introduced his deputy- a man called Richard Hawks. I personally didn't see why he had brought his deputy with him anyway; we were just talking about a tiny baby for goodness sake. Especially since it transpired that Hawks didn't say more than a few words while he was at our house.
"Can I get you both a plate to join us?" Hannah asked.
Hawks was eyeing up the food on the table although there wasn't much of it left, but Charlie patted his round stomach and said, "No no, we already ate. A cup of coffee wouldn't go amiss though."
Hannah stood up to serve the men coffee, but Adam waved her down. "I'll get this, hon," he said.
Charlie turned his attention to Brian and Starr.
"This the little one, then?" he said, stating the obvious.
"Yea… it's a bit of a, well a bit of a shock, you know?" Brian said.
Adam handed Charlie and Hawks their cups of coffee, and Crane retrieved a couple of extra chairs from the mudroom, which we used when we had extra guests. It was a tight squeeze, but we all fit around the table. Just about.
"Can you tell me what happened again? How you found her?" Charlie asked.
"Heidi found her first," Hannah said.
Charlie turned his attention to me, as though he expected me to continue. I quickly told him how we had come home from church and I had spotted the box thinking it was a parcel at first, but then how upon looking inside, I had found Starr.
"How well do you know this woman who left the child and the note? What's her name again?"
"Destiny. Destiny Fuller," Brian said.
"Right, Destiny. How well do you know Destiny?"
"We dat-…, we saw each other a couple of times last year. I haven't seen her since then," Brian said. He glanced at me and Guthrie as though he were a bit embarrassed that we were hearing this. I didn't know why. Both Guthrie and I were well aware of Brian's frequent rendezvous with women. We had been ever since we were little. I didn't even think twice about it.
"Does she live around here, from what you know of her?" Charlie asked.
Again, Brian looked unsure. "I think she said she lived in Avery," he said, referencing a town not far from Murphys.
"And you had no idea she was pregnant?"
"Of course not! What d'you take me for, Charlie? As if I'd abandon my own child!"
Charlie held up his hands in defence. "Okay, okay, I just had to ask."
"Obviously, we've got to track Destiny down," Hannah said.
"D'you think you can help us, Charlie?" Crane asked.
Charlie nodded. "Child abandonment is a misdemeanour offence in the state of California, so the police department can certainly help you search for her."
"She's obviously not in her right mind to just abandon her baby on a doorstep like this- she needs help, not punishment!" Hannah said, looking horrified.
"That may be so, but the law is very clear, Hannah."
Hannah looked really upset then, and I didn't blame her. Yes, it wasn't ideal that Starr had been left in a box on our front doorstep, but she hadn't left her at a railway station or something! She had left her with her father and his family whom she knew would care for her baby- to me that showed that she cared for Starr's welfare.
"So you'll help?" Adam asked.
"I'll make some enquiries when I get back to the station. You should check out any places you think she might be, check with any of her friends you know of."
Brian nodded.
And Brian- you might want to do a paternity test. Make sure she's really yours before this goes any further," Charlie added, gently.
"Very good idea," Adam said. When I looked over at him, his mouth was set in a hard line, like he was mad at something.
"That's Brian's baby," I said, surprising even myself by how vehemently I'd said it, and how strongly I felt it inside. "I know it is."
Everyone turned to look at me, and I looked back defiantly.
"Even so," Charlie said, in a patronising tone of voice that adults sometimes use with young people, "It's an important thing to make certain."
He turned back to Brian. "You'll want to take her to the doctor. Check all's okay. And you can get a copy of her birth certificate from county hall- see exactly how old she is. I'd say she's about a couple of months by looking at her."
"I'd say about three," Adam said. I looked at him, momentarily surprised that he would feel so confident guessing Starr's age, before I remembered that of course he would. He had seen seven babies born after him.
As though Starr knew that she was being talked about, she popped open her eyes. She didn't even do that squirmy waking up thing that babies sometimes do when they're coming around- one moment she was asleep and the next moment she was awake. She looked around her and then, after a moment, her little face scrunched up and she let out a mighty wail followed by another and another.
"Holy cow, what a racket!" Evan said.
"Better get used to it, partner," Crane said. "At least we know she's got a healthy pair of lungs."
"Does she need a diaper change," Hannah asked over Starr's screams.
Brian checked Starr's diaper and shook his head. "No, she's fine."
"She's probably hungry. I'll make up some formula," Adam said, getting up.
Adam boiled water, and then, when it was ready, expertly made up a bottle like he had been doing it all his life. In the meantime, Brian stood up with Starr and tried to shush her, holding her in different positions to try to soothe her. But Starr continued to cry.
Ford, Evan and Guthrie tried to make a swift exit out the kitchen to try to avoid the noise before Crane called Guthrie back reminding him it was his turn to wash the dishes.
"Can't I come back later and do them?" Guthrie said.
Crane hesitated for a moment but then nodded, meaning Guthrie could make his escape.
When Adam had made up the baby formula, he put a little on his wrist, he said, to test its temperature, and then when he was satisfied, he handed the bottle to Brian. But Starr point blank refused to take the teat of the bottle into her mouth. Every time Brian tried, she moved her head away and cried harder.
"Here, let me try," Hannah said. She took Starr from Brian and tried to feed the baby, but Starr reacted in the same way she had when Brian had tried to feed her.
"Poor little thing; she misses her mama no doubt. Babies have a sense about these things," Hannah said.
"Can I try?" I said, suddenly feeling the surprising urge to hold the tiny creature.
"Well, sure," Hannah said, looking at Brian to make sure it was okay. He nodded.
I was a bit nervous as Hannah transferred Starr into my arms because she looked so small and fragile and I didn't want to hurt her. I've never really been into babies, and being the youngest, I've never been around them, so I didn't even know how to hold her properly. When Hannah put Starr in my arms, she told me to make sure the crook of my arm always supported her head.
I looked down into Starr's angry little face which was scrunched up with wails and the colour of a tomato from the screeching she had been doing. I began to talk to her.
"I bet you miss your mama. I know how you feel, coz I miss mine too," I said, suddenly finding my eyes filling with tears. Honestly, grief hits you at the most unexpected times.
I quickly blinked back my tears. This wasn't about me.
"But we're gonna try to find her so you can be back with her."
As I was talking, Starr's face unscrunched and she stopped shrieking. It was like she was really listening and understanding what I was saying, although of course she couldn't be.
I looked at the others around me, surprised as anyone.
"Don't stop!" Hannah whispered.
I turned my attention back to Starr.
"The thing is that while you're here, you've got lots of people to look after you. And they all really love babies and kids; I should know."
Starr had completely stopped crying now. She looked up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and I looked back down at her. Her resemblance to Brian was so strong, and in turn to me because Brian and I look like each other in terms of colouring and features. I didn't need the results of a paternity test to tell me that the tiny little being in my arms was a McFadden.
"She likes you," Crane said.
"Here," Hannah said, handing me the bottle of milk. "Try giving her the bottle now."
I put the teat of the bottle up to Starr's little mouth and she latched onto it immediately and guzzled it greedily.
"Looks like you've got the magic touch," Brian said quietly. I looked up at him, worried that he might be feeling badly that I had gotten Starr to quieten down and feed rather than him, her father. But he smiled at me, and I could see from his eyes that he was grateful.
/
I helped with Starr more after that, helping to wind her after she had eaten and then helping to change her diaper. I found that I really enjoyed it- I couldn't explain it. I just felt close to the little thing. Like she had spirit.
She eventually went back to sleep and I went outside to do the chores which I hadn't done earlier that morning. As I was collecting the eggs from the chickens, I looked up momentarily and saw that Adam had come out of the house and was walking down towards the coop. Clearly heading for me.
I sighed internally. I did not feel like getting into it with Adam right now. I pretended like I didn't see him until he was literally in the coop with me and I could pretend no longer.
"Hi," I said, collecting the last egg and putting it in the basket. I stood up and faced him then, dusting one of my hands off on my leg.
Adam raised an eyebrow. "Are you only gettin' to your chores now?"
"Yea. Sorry."
Adam looked at me hard for a moment but didn't say anything.
"I'm really sorry about earlier, as well," I offered. "Snatching the note from your hand. I know it was childish and wrong. I kind of lost myself for a moment."
"Well," Adam said, "It has been a somewhat surprising day."
"I am really sorry," I repeated, sensing that Adam's fury had calmed from earlier and that I might be able to get away with an apology and nothing else.
"Alright. I accept your apology," Adam said.
I smiled at him, and then made to move round him to go and take the eggs inside, but he caught my arm lightly and said, "Just a moment. I want to talk to you about somethin' else."
"Okay, what?"
Adam shoved his hands in his pockets. "Listen, Heidi. I know that you truly believe that Starr is Brian's daughter, but until we know for certain, just try not to get too attached, alright?"
I looked at him stubbornly. "She is Brian's baby, Adam. Have you looked at her face? She's Brian's twin!"
"Even so, Heidi. Just keep it in mind."
I just couldn't understand Adam's motives here.
"Why are you saying this to me? Do you not want Starr to be Brian's baby?" I asked, feeling upset inside, although at what I couldn't tell you.
Adam gave me a stern look. "Come on, Heidi. You know better. If Starr is Brian's child, then of course she'll have all our love and support. But if she's not… well that's somethin' different. She probably wouldn't get to be in our lives anymore." His voice softened, and he reached out and tweaked my chin. "You've had a really hard year, honey. And I don't want more hurt for you."
Looking at Adam's face, I could tell he truly was concerned for me and his warnings were coming from a place of love. I didn't agree with him; I knew that Starr was one of us, but Adam is just as stubborn as me and it wouldn't do any good to argue with him when I could just agree and get him off my back.
"Okay," I said, giving him a half smile. "I'll keep it in mind."
Adam put his arm around me as we walked back up to the house.
"Adam?" I said, as we were walking. Now that he didn't seem mad at me anymore, I wanted to ask him about going on a date with Josh.
"What?" Adam said. But, as he looked at me expectantly, I thought this was not the time or day to ask. There was too much going on.
"Nothing."