Everyone wanted to know about my date with Josh the next morning at breakfast. Well, most of them did anyway. Uncharacteristically, Guthrie stayed silent although I could feel his eyes on me every now and then. I had seen Brian the previous evening, so he didn't ask. He was too busy making a bottle for Starr who was being held by Crane.
Adam asked me if I'd had a good time and I'd told him I did.
"He sure is handsome!" Hannah said from her place at the table and smiling at me.
"He dresses like a city boy," Evan said.
His comment irritated me, even though what he said wasn't untrue.
"How do you know?" I demanded, "You weren't even in the room when Josh arrived yesterday!"
"Me and the others watched you when you guys came out the house and got into his car, he said and then laughed, along with Ford.
"There's nothing wrong with being from the city," Hannah said.
"How did he cope with big brothers here, grillin' him?" Daniel asked with a sort of mischievous grin on his face.
"He seemed to take it in his stride, didn't he, hon?" Hannah said to Adam.
"Seemed to," Adam said.
"He was a bit too confident for my likin'," Brian grumbled, still trying to get the bottle to just the right temperature for Starr.
"Oh ho! Wasn't he scared of big, bad Brian?" Daniel said at the same time that I said, feeling supremely irritated "What's that supposed to mean?!"
Crane laughed but Brian turned around and shot us both an infuriated look. Alongside his fury, he looked really, really tired and I suddenly remembered that he had stayed up late waiting for me to get home and he had probably been up in the night with Starr too. I felt my irritation with him drain, replaced by sympathy. I know Brian and I know that when he's tired, or stressed or worried about something, like he was with the Starr situation, his fuse can be short.
Hannah saw it too, because she got up and patted Brian's arm.
"Here, let me sort out Starr's bottle. Why don't you go outside for a while, take some time for yourself."
Brian hesitated, but then he smiled at Hannah gratefully and disappeared out the back door, without even a jacket for warmth.
"Wooowee!" Evan said, "He's like a bear with a sore head."
"Can you blame him?" Crane said, shifting Starr in his arms. "Only last week, Brian was a free agent and now he might have his own kid. It's a lot to take in."
"That's right," Adam said, speaking up from the head of the table. "Since Bri's not here, this seems like a good time to talk to all of you."
His tone of voice was commanding- the voice he uses when he's chairing a family meeting, or something serious.
"This is a bit shock for all of us, but especially for Brian. All of us are gonna have to be continue to be as supportive as possible, until we can find Destiny and find out what's really going on."
"We will be," Ford said. "But what if we don't find Destiny? Or what happens if when Brian does the paternity test, it comes back that Starr's not his?"
"It won't! She's definitely his," I couldn't help saying.
Adam ignored me.
"We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it. It's gonna take us a little while to get the money together for the test. It's not cheap. And in the meantime, we'll continue to care for her here. If she is Brian's, then she belongs here with us. And if she's not… well, it won't do her any harm to be here until we know what's what."
I knew he was making a subtle reference to CPS which he wasn't a fan of. Neither he, nor Brian talked about it, but I knew from Crane that at the beginning, CPS had tried to make it difficult for them to have custody of us. They thought they were too young to care for so many children, especially since Guthrie and I had been so little.
"Maybe we can make a rota. To help Brian out with feeds and night shifts," I suggested.
Adam smiled at me. "That's a nice idea, and it's great you want to help, but I don't want you helpin' out during the night. You're a nightmare when you're tired."
"Thanks a lot!" I said, even though I knew what he said was true. I've been like that since I was a baby. Some people are better at lack of sleep than others. That's definitely not me.
Adam started to say something else, but then the phone rang and Starr started to cry and Hannah jumped up suddenly saying she smelled burning and flew to rescue her biscuits from the oven, berating herself over her baby brain.
/
The next week was a flurry of activity. Hannah took Guthrie, Ford and I shopping for back to school supplies and clothes. For Ford, she bought the things he would need at college. We went to the mall in Sonora, all 4 of us, but Ford and Guthrie were soon finished and told Hannah and me that they would meet us at the food court when we were done. I asked Hannah if she wanted to go shopping for maternity clothes, but she told me that she had enough.
"I don't want to go and buy lots of new things when I'll only be wearing them for less than half a year now," she said.
"But you can use them again for the next baby!" I said, smiling mischievously at her.
Hannah laughed and then patted her swelling belly.
"Let's just get this one grown and delivered healthily first."
So the two of us went shopping for some new clothes for me. I love shopping and looking at the different colors and textures and fabrics of , but I'm not somebody who takes forever in shops either. If I see something I like, I'll try it on and then decide quickly rather than taking time to deliberate. I like going shopping with Hannah, but sometimes I think she's a bit too influenced by what my brothers will think of my choices. There was a black dress in one of the shops which I tried on and fell in love with, but Hannah said she thought it was too short.
"Where would you wear it?" she asked me.
"To school. Or church."
"You can't wear that to church! Or school for that matter. Your brothers would have a heart attack if they saw you in that."
I looked at myself in the mirror again. The dress was just above mid-thigh- not so short in my opinion.
"I don't think it's too short…" I said.
Hannah gave me a motherly look. "Well, I know for a fact that your brothers would, so change out of it and put it back."
I sighed internally, wanting to argue my case, but since Hannah had the money, I wouldn't win. And I didn't want to push her anyway when we had been getting on so well.
I did end up getting a few things though, and Hannah and I were making our way down to the food hall to meet Guthrie and Ford when we bumped into Olivia and Mia, shopping together. Neither of them were wearing very much. Mia was sporting a pair of shorts which even I could admit were obscenely short, and a tank top, and Olivia was wearing a bikini top and a very short denim skirt.
It had been a while since Hannah and Olivia had seen each other, and Hannah had only met Mia once. She greeted them both warmly and then we stood chatting for a little bit about various things: upcoming school, the baby, what I had bought, what the girls had bought. Things like that.
When we parted, I looked at Hannah curiously, wondering if she was going to say anything to me about the way my friends were dressed. She didn't though, but she did catch me looking at her.
"What?" she said.
"Nothing…" I said, but then I couldn't help myself saying, "I just think it's a bit unfair that my friends get to dress how they want, but I can't."
"Oh Heidi! Hannah said, sounding irritated now. When I glanced at her, she looked irritated too. "Do you really not understand why me, or your brothers don't want you dressing that way?"
"Because of what people will say, right?" I said.
"It's partly that, yes. We live in a society which judges women by the way they dress. Neither your brothers nor I want people to judge you that way. But it's not just that. You're so much more than just your long legs or your nice figure or your beautiful blue eyes, Heidi. You're a clever, funny, resilient, resourceful girl and when you wear revealing clothes, your body is the only thing people see. It's unfair, and to be honest, I think it's wrong and I don't agree with it. But that's the way it is. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
I understood. What she said was true, infuriating and, I thought, horribly unfair to women everywhere. But I understood.
/
The two other notable events that happened that week were that Ford left for college and Josh called me and asked me to be his date for the back to school party that was taking place at High Point Lake the weekend before school started.
Adam took Ford down to Davis, and Crane accompanied them because he nostalgically wanted to visit his alma mater. When Crane had left for college years before, it had been really difficult on the whole family. Us younger kids had cried every time he left home again for the first couple of years, but we had been younger then and more dependent on our older brothers. It was still hard saying goodbye to Ford though- we're such a close family because growing up the way we did has made us knit together like glue. When someone leaves, it feels just plain weird. Like there's a hole.
Hannah cried- she was crying at everything these days, and Ford was a bit tearful himself. The evening before he left, he had knocked on my bedroom door and come into my room to sit on my bed. This wasn't a usual occurrence in the way that, say Guthrie, sometimes came into my room to hang out, or Daniel, although more recently, he had voiced his concerns to me about my friends a few times.
After some general chit chat, and me asking him how he was feeling about leaving the day – his answer was 'nervous'- he looked at me really seriously and said, "Promise me you'll be sensible, Heidi."
I looked at him in confusion. "You mean sensible about Josh?"
"Yeah… about Josh, although I think big brothers have that covered. I mean more about Olivia and your friends. When you go back to school and get back to normal life."
"You've got nothing to worry about, Ford," I said.
Ford hesitated. "I just feel like something bad is going to happen."
I laughed. "Did your crystal ball tell you that?"
But Ford didn't laugh, and I felt sorry for him. I thought it must be a reaction to leaving home the next day and feeling out of control. I wanted to mollify him. Make things better for him.
"I promise I'll be sensible," I said.
/
Ford's absence was felt keenly, but everyone in the family was kept busy. Every day, Brian called Charlie to find out if there was any news about Destiny. Adam and Crane were carrying a heavier load on the ranch because Brian had to take more time to take care of Starr, even though Hannah, Guthrie and I helped out with her as much as we could. Evan and Daniel were both working overtime at their various pursuits to bring in extra money- Evan working with an animal rescue charity which saved abused horses, and Daniel playing as many gigs as possible with his band. Starr was an unexpected extra expense, and although Ford had a scholarship which paid a large proportion of his college tuition, there was a percentage which the family had to cover, even though Ford said he would get a job. Evan and Daniel were also both saving because they wanted to pursue their own dreams too. Evan said he would wait until spring to try his hand on the professional rodeo circuit, and Daniel was saving up enough to try his luck with his band in LA for a few months.
As Guthrie and I did the dishes one evening, we talked about getting jobs too.
"It would be great to be able to bring in some extra money," Guthrie said.
"And buy ourselves the things we need," I agreed.
Guthrie rolled his eyes. "Buying makeup isn't a 'need', Heidi."
"Says you!"
We teased each other for a little longer and then Guthrie said, "Anyway, I don't think the guys will let us have a job. Not until we can drive anyway."
"You're probably right," I said. "They're not gonna want to cart us back and forth into Murphys or Angel's Camp. But maybe we can earn money by doing extra ranch work."
"But that's just like taking money from the family. Not bringing extra money in." He sighed. "I can't wait until I'm 16."
I had to agree.
/
The back to school party at High Point Lake took place every year and it seemed like everyone was going. There was a big bonfire and music, and it was generally just a chance for everyone to see each other again after the summer. Incoming freshmen tended not to go, but kids from the other grades would be there. I remembered years gone by when Guthrie and I had watched Ford, Evan and Daniel go to these parties, and wonder whether my time would ever come. Now it was here, and it seemed like time had flown by quickly.
When Josh had called me and asked me to be his date, I had told him that theoretically it was great, but that I would need to ask permission first.
Since I had been out with him before and my brothers had met him, I didn't think it would be a problem, but when I asked Adam, after supper two days before the weekend, he said, "Why do you need a date for the back to school party? As far as I can remember it's informal, isn't it?"
"Yeah… but it would still be nice to spend time with him. On the ride there, and back…"
"It's a 20-minute ride," Adam reminded me.
"I know, Adam. But still. Why is it a big deal if he picks me up and takes me there? Don't you like him?"
"I like him fine, and it's not a big deal. It's just you went out with him last week, and now here you are wanting to go out with him again."
"That's what people do when they like each other! They date!" I said, feeling exasperated. Surely Adam could not be so dim.
"Yes, Heidi I know that," Adam said, and his tone of voice warned me that he was losing his patience. "But I told you that you could go on one date with Josh. I didn't say you could start freely dating him every week."
I felt like screaming in frustration.
"It's not every week though!"
"Heidi."
That's all he said. But in his tone of voice, I sensed danger. If this were last year, I would have ignored the danger and pushed him, but I didn't want to find myself grounded and unable to go to the party at all.
"Guthrie is going too, remember, so you can ride with him. One of us will take you and pick you up- I'm sure Evan or Daniel will do it if you don't want me, Crane or Brian to cramp your style."
Waaa! I wish I had time to write more as I so enjoy it. I need there to be 30 hours in the day! Anyway, I know the story may seem a bit slow, but I am working up to the thing that will divide the town. Bear with me and thanks for the continued support of readers and reviewers.