Guthrie and I caught a ride to the back to school party at High Point Lake that weekend with Daniel who dropped us off on his way to a gig he was playing with his band. He was going to pick us up too, afterwards, which he estimated would be around midnight. I was excited that I was going to get to stay out that late and surprised too that Adam had allowed it. I knew it was because Guthrie would be there too. For some reason, Adam always felt better about me going somewhere if Guthrie was alongside me.

I'd had to call Josh and tell him that Adam wouldn't let me ride with him to the party. I was embarrassed to admit it; after all, I was asking to go on one lousy car ride with him, not move in! But Josh was super sweet and understanding.

"It's not a problem, Heidi; we'll just hang out at the party," he told me.

Before we'd left, Adam laid down some ground rules for Guthrie and I.

"These parties can get kinda wild so absolutely no drinkin', hear me?" he'd warned.

Guthrie grinned, "Yeah. I'm surprised you can even remember going to the back to school party; it was so long ago. You're practically an old man now."

Adam playfully cuffed Guthrie round the ear. "I've heard enough stories from the other guys in the past few years to know enough of what goes on."

He then looked pointedly at me. "Did you hear me, Heidi? About no drinkin'?"

"Loud and clear as a bell," I said. "Not a drop of alcohol shall pass my lips," and then I'd smiled at him so that he didn't think I was being facetious. I mean, I was because I was still irritated that he wouldn't let me ride with Josh, but I wasn't looking to poke the bear or anything.

It seemed like he wasn't the only one hellbent on warning Guthrie and me against having any fun because as we were getting out the car, Daniel said, "Be careful, okay? Don't do anything stupid, either of you."

"Don't worry, Daniel, we've learned from your mistakes," Guthrie said, grinning at him, and then the two of us slammed the door of Daniel's truck quickly behind us before he could say anything else.

"Jeez," Guthrie said, as we walked towards the short distance to High Point Lake from where Daniel had dropped us off, "When did everybody get so uptight. It's just a party!"

"Ha!" I said, "Welcome to my life."

/

It was my and Guthrie's first time at the back to school party because freshman didn't tend to go so we hadn't been the year before. As we got closer to the lake, we could see a fray of activity taking place. The lake's not huge, but it's big enough and it seemed like there were kids everywhere, drinking and dancing to the music coming from a giant boombox set up at some point along the lake. There was a huge bonfire already going and some kids had even brought BBQs which they must have hauled along in their truck beds. It was kind of overwhelming, especially because although I saw kids in my classes and other kids I knew, I couldn't see any of my friends and neither could Guthrie. But then I heard a voice call my name and when I turned my head to the side, I saw my group of friends all sitting together on a big blanket to one side, not far off from the bonfire.

I waved back and then turned to Guthrie.

"Want to come sit with us?" I asked, even though I knew that even though he didn't mind my friends and he liked Olivia, he wasn't such a huge fan of the other girls.

"Nah, I'm going to find Greg and the other guys," Guthrie said. "I'll catch you later, okay?"

I told him okay and then went to sit with my friends.

The first thing I noticed when I sat down was that the smell of pot was lingering in the air. I'd only ever smoked it once at the party I'd snuck out to earlier in the year, but I'd been around it enough times to be able to identify its distinctive scent. But no one was sitting with a joint, although Mia and Robin had cigarettes in their hands. I greeted the girls and plopped myself down between Olivia and Vanessa on the blanket.

"Hey Heidi bells!" Olivia said, throwing her arm around my shoulder and giving me a hug as I sat down.

"Hey," I said, making myself comfortable on the blanket by crossing my legs.

"What's up? Want some?" she said, thrusting a can of beer my way so enthusiastically that it sloshed a little over my top.

"Watch it, Liv!" I chided her gently. I pushed the can of beer she was holding out to me back towards her. "No thanks, you know I hate beer."

I absolutely despised the taste of it. I had been allowed to drink it at home with my brothers around from the age of 14, but I never did because of how disgusting I found the taste.

"Oh yea," Olivia giggled. "I forgot."

She sat up a bit and then rifled through her bag, pulling out a bottle of vodka.

"Want some of this?"

"Uh, no thanks," I said. "Adam told me I couldn't drink."

"Urgh, lame," Olivia said. She started to say something else to me when her attention was caught by Robin, asking her to give over the bottle of Vodka.

We sat there for a while longer. Some kids from our class came over and said hey, hanging out periodically, but they flitted in and out. It seemed the longer we sat there, the drunker my friends became. I started to feel uncomfortable too, being the only sober one in the group. I wasn't finding my friends fun, just really irritating. And then, before I knew what I was doing, I was sipping out the Vodka bottle too. I wanted to fit in and have a good time and, I rationalised to myself at one point that Adam wouldn't know if I had one drink. As long as I didn't get drunk, it would be fine, I told myself. I didn't think about the fact that Guthrie was milling around, although even if he did see me drink, I knew he wouldn't never rat me out to Adam. I also pushed down the rising feelings of guilt in my conscience that told me even if Adam didn't know, it was still a breach of trust.

It was my first time drinking vodka and it burned a fiery trail down my throat and into my chest. Truth be told, it was kind of disgusting too, but it did relax me. When I started to feel heady, I pushed the bottle away when it came around to me again. I had enough wits about me to know that I absolutely could not, under no circumstances, get drunk.

We sat there for a while, just hanging out when out of nowhere, or it seemed like that, Paul, Frankie and some of the other guys converged upon us in what seemed like a heap and sat down. I looked around to see if Josh was with them, but I couldn't see him anywhere.

"Is Josh with you?" I asked Frankie, and just as I asked a pair of hands covered my eyes and then a voice behind me said, "Guess who?"

I felt a jolt of pleasure in my body; I knew who it was.

Josh released his hands and then appeared, as if by magic, to sit beside me.

"Hi, Heidi," he said.

I smiled at him. "Hi."

"You look really pretty. Like always," he said.

I suddenly felt incredibly shy. It was silly, since we had spent time together one on one and I loved talking to him. Plus, I'd been drinking, so logically, it should have loosened me up. But for some reason, his presence next to me rendered me incoherent.

"Thanks, you look pretty too. I mean handsome. Not pretty. Handsome. You look handsome."

Good god, what was wrong with me?!

Josh just laughed though and then started asking me about how Starr was and if anything else had been heard about Destiny. Like always when I'm with him, everyone else fell away and so it felt like he was the only one around me. I was just about to suggest that the two of us go for a walk so we could spend some time alone together, when Olivia, sitting the other side of me, tried to pass something into my hand.

I shifted my attention to her.

"What's that?" I asked.

"A joint- take a drag."

"Nah, I don't want any," I said. I might be able to get away with drinking, but Adam would definitely know if I had been smoking pot. As it was, I was worried that the smell of it would stick to my clothes. I passed the joint to Josh who also waved it away.

"I can't; I'm driving," he said, passing it to Paul who was sitting it on his other side.

Paul took a long drag, inhaling and holding the smoke in his lungs for a few seconds before he breathed it out again.

"Man, that's good stuff," he said, taking another drag before he passed it to Krista.

Olivia nudged me. "It's really top quality- have some," she insisted.

"No, really, it's fine," I said.

"Why not though?"

"Because I don't want to, Liv! Just leave it- it's not a big deal!

"Is it because of your brothers?"

"What? No! I just don't want any!"

She was really starting to irritate me, and I wished she would just shut up, especially since her insistence was catching the attention of others in the group.

"It is, isn't it. It's because you don't want your brothers finding out."

"Leave it, Olivia," I said. I could feel myself starting to get angry and it caught me off guard. Olivia never badgered me like this. I didn't understand what was happening.

"Honestly, Heidi, when are you going to stop letting them run your life?"

"They don't run my life!" I protested, putting emphasis on the word 'run'.

"Yea, they do! You're never allowed to anything you want to do, and you always have to watch what you're doing in case they're mad at you. Or in case you get in trouble. When you going to stand up for yourself?"

Olivia's voice had been getting increasingly louder as she was talking to me, and so had mine. Our interaction had now caught the attention of everyone in the group and they had all stopped their conversations to look at us. I felt my face burn red with both embarrassment but also anger and betrayal. In all our years of being friends, Olivia had never turned on me like this- she knew how strict my brothers were and she was usually very sympathetic to it.

I felt my eyes blur with tears of anger and then I heard Josh say quietly, "Cool it, Olivia, you're drunk. Watch what you say before you say anything else you'll regret."

"I'm just telling Heidi that she can be her own person, that she doesn't have to be a nodding dog to brothers."

"Aren't you that girl that doesn't have any parents?" Paul said drunkenly, slurring his words. When I looked at him, his eyes were glassy. His words didn't even make any sense. He knew that about me anyway. "Man you're so lucky, I wish my parents would get off my case."

"God, shut up you idiot," Josh said, shoving him.

Nobody else said anything; they just looked at me to respond. I can hold my own in certain situations and I've never been one to hold back my opinions, but I'd genuinely never been in this position before. Olivia turning on me like that made me feel like I'd been punched in the stomach. Plus, for Paul to say something so incredibly stupid and insensitive, especially after the year I'd had. He didn't know that, but still.

I just wanted out of that situation before I burst into tears in front of everyone. I got up quickly without saying another word and grabbed my bag, stumbling away from the group towards the bonfire. Maybe it was all the fumes from the joint that had been passed around, or maybe I had had more to drink that I thought, but I suddenly felt incredibly dizzy, like I might pass out. I put my face in my hands for a moment, trying to regain balance. Music and the sound of kids talking and laughing besieged me, but they also felt very far away.

Then, I felt a hand touch my arm.

"Heidi, are you okay?"

I knew without even looking up that it was Josh. I lifted my head a little even though I still felt very unsteady on my feet. My eyes met Josh's. In them was a look of concern.

"I'm sorry Olivia got onto you there."

"You don't need to apologise," I said. My eyes filled with tears which I quickly brushed away. I didn't want to cry in front of him.

"She's meant to be my best friend. She's never done that before. Turned on me like that…"

"It's because she's wasted. When people are tanked they say really dumb things. I'm sure she didn't mean what she said. Paul too."

My eyes welled up again, remembering Paul's cruel words.

"Maybe."

"Hey, come here," Josh said putting his arms around me and pulling me into his chest.

I hugged him back. He had a wonderful smell. Not of cologne or anything, but more like clean and fresh. Like soap.

"Do you want me to take you home?" he asked me.

"I'm not sure…" I said slowly, pulling away from his hug. My head was still spinning- after effects of the Vodka I was sure- and I knew I smelled like pot.

"I promised Adam that I wouldn't drink anything and now I have, and I think I've had too much."

A heavy guilty feeling washed over me. At that moment, I regretted having something to drink. I had broken Adam's trust- again. And even if he didn't find out, and believe me, I planned to make sure he didn't, I would still know I had done it. I was conflicted too, though. Part of me was also angry and irritated with him, and even my other brothers. Olivia was brutal in the way she delivered her message, but I felt like she did sort of have a point.

"Plus, he'll smell the pot on me," I continued, "And he'll want to know why I'm home early."

Josh nodded.

"Well we could go for a drive and then I could bring you back here later. How were you planning on getting home?" he asked.

"Daniel's picking me and Guthrie up later."

"Right- so we could go for a drive to get some space from this place and then I could bring you back in time to meet Guthrie and Daniel. Or we could hang out here. Whatever you want, Heidi."