I stood, hesitating for a couple of moments, just contemplating. My head was a bit fuzzy from the Vodka, so I wasn't particularly clear headed. Did I want to take off with Josh and go for a ride in his car? Absolutely. But I also knew that I had already made one bad decision that evening and that if Adam discovered that I had left the party with him, he would be furious with me. On the other hand, he would also be upset to know I had been drinking when I had told him I wouldn't, so what did it matter if I made another bad decision?

I oscillated between these two thoughts, weighing things up for what seemed like ages in my head- in reality, it was probably less than a minute. I felt weighed down inside. Heavy.

"I think we'd better stay here," I told Josh. "Is that okay with you?"

"Sure, Heidi. Whatever suits you."

He took my hand in his; his palms were warm.

"I just want to spend time with you. It doesn't matter where."

In spite of myself, my eyes filled with tears again at his kindness and again, I quickly brushed them away with my spare hand.

"We could go for a walk around the lake?" I suggested. "Get away from all the noise."

"Lead the way," Josh said.

I didn't know the area that well, but the lake looked round. The party was situated at the southern point of the lake, and looking out across it, the other side of it looked pitch black. But I thought that we could walk away from the main action, towards the west side of the lake and get some peace, away from medley of activity.

As we walked along, side by side, still holding hands, we passed a few kids I knew from school and waved to them or stopped to say hi, me introducing Josh. I kept looking to see if I could see Guthrie, but he was lost in a sea of partying teenagers.

Josh and I clearly weren't the only ones with a desire to be alone. As we walked along the banks of the lake, we kept running into couples at various points. Many were laid out on blankets making out to various degrees. Maybe I should have felt nervous that Josh was going to expect things of me I wasn't ready for, but I didn't. I felt more comfortable with him than my group of friends and the person whom had been my best friend for the past 6 years.

Josh and I walked a little further on from the last couple we encountered, and then, finding a pebbly spot along the water, we decided to stop and sit down. The rocks underneath us were a bit uncomfortable, but Josh manoeuvred me so that I was leaning on him which made it better.

The cacophony of the party was vastly muted now by our distance from it.

"Are you alright?" Josh asked, "About Olivia?"

My stomach twisted thinking about it. I was alright, of course, but I was hurt and confused.

"I think so. I didn't know she felt that way though… thinking that I'm a pushover, or a 'nodding dog' as she put it, to my brothers."

"She most likely doesn't feel that way. Like I said, it's the alcohol."

"I think she does. It's been something between us the whole time we've been friends. Her mom and dad are really chilled with her and her sister. She's always been able to do things or get away with things that I can't."

I laughed lightly and then continued, "I don't know if you've noticed, but my brothers kind of have me a on tight rein."

Josh laughed. "Just a little. But it's nothing out of the ordinary- it's not like they lock you in your bedroom and never let you see the light of day. There's plenty of kids with parents like that."

I wished Adam and Brian could hear Josh take up for them at that moment so that they could know how good of a guy he was and stop worrying about me.

"I think it's kind of sweet- how much they care for you."

I gave Josh a look as if to say, 'really?' He laughed.

"But I do hope they'll let you date me more."

"My brothers are like skittish horses in a way," I said. "You have to approach them carefully and win their trust. When it comes to me, anyway."

"Okay, good advice" Josh said.

We looked out onto the black water.

"Scenes like this give me the goosebumps," I said, without thinking.

"Oh yea? How come?"

I hesitated, wondering if I could really tell him what was on my mind, or whether he would think I was weird.

"It makes me feel so… small. Insignificant."

I pointed up at the stars, clear in the night sky.

"See these stars? These are the same stars that people all over the entire world see. We're looking at them right here in Murphys, but people in Europe and Asia and Africa and all the other continents see the exact same sky. The same sun. The same moon. At different times of course, but still."

I turned to him. "Isn't that magical?"

Josh smiled at me. "I know what you mean."

"You do?"

It wasn't that I thought my feelings were so profound that no one else could think them too- Daniel and I had had a similar conversation. And Crane. But one time, when I had mentioned this to Olivia, she had looked at me as though I had sprouted wings.

"Sure," Josh said. "And it makes me think about life in the universe too. Life that's not on earth."

"Me too!" I said.

Josh tipped my chin up and leaned down to kiss me. And we kissed and talked about the stars and life on other planets and other things until it was time to walk back to the party so I could meet up with Guthrie and then Daniel.

/

Guthrie was none too pleased to see me approaching the spot where Daniel had dropped us off, me accompanied by Josh. It had been a few hours since I'd had anything to drink so the effects of the Vodka had worn off.

"Where've you been this whole time?" he demanded as we walked up. He waved his hand in front of his nose, "Jeez, Heidi, you stink."

"Thanks a lot!" I said.

"You stink of pot I mean. Adam's going to blow his top."

"I can't help it if the people around me were smoking it- I didn't have any."

"Hey Guthrie," Josh said, holding out his hand to him. I remembered that they had never actually met before because Hannah had gotten rid of the rest of my brothers from the living room before Josh had picked me up for my date.

Guthrie eyed Josh's hand suspiciously- it was a bit formal, especially for kids our age, but then he took his hand and shook it, though his 'Hey' back was begrudging.

"I saw Olivia and Vanessa about an hour ago and both of them said they hadn't seen you since early on. Where were you?" Guthrie demanded again.

I rolled my eyes, "We just went for a walk, Guthrie- relax!"

"What did you do there?"

"Guthrie!"

I was incensed but Josh laughed. Not in a mean way, but in a way that was sort of disarming.

Guthrie's face turned red. "I didn't mean-"

"We just hung out, Guthrie," Josh said.

"Not that it's any of your business," I added.

This was a side of Guthrie I was not enjoying. Guthrie was my friend, but to be honest, this was the first time that I had truly liked a boy this much. It appeared as though it wasn't sitting well with him. Still, it got on my nerves. The watchful eyes of my oldest brothers were enough, and I didn't need Guthrie inserting himself into the mix.

The three of us stood, waiting for Daniel for at least 20 minutes. Josh tried talking to Guthrie about things I'd told him that Guthrie liked- soccer for example. Guthrie answered; he wasn't rude but he certainly wasn't warm either. When Daniel's truck ambled up, I was relieved to have something break the tension. Guthrie climbed straight into the truck, but Daniel rolled down his window and introduced himself to Josh. He was polite and friendly- I was glad that Josh could see that at least one of my brothers wasn't such an caveman. Not that Adam and Brian had been rude to him when he'd come to the house, but neither of them had oozed warmth.

After Josh and I had kissed goodbye, I climbed into Daniel's truck, sitting in the passenger seat closest to the window.

Immediately Daniel commented on the strong scent of pot in the cab.

"It's Heidi, not me," Guthrie said immediately.

I jabbed him in his side with my arm, none too gently.

"It's not me. I was hanging around some people who were smoking but I didn't have any."

I saw Daniel's eyebrows raise a bit, but he didn't comment further.

"Did you guys have fun?" Daniel asked.

We both said we did.

"What'd you get up to?" Daniel said.

"Just hung out with Greg and the guys and some others from school. Eddie's brother dropped him off, so he brought his own grill," Guthrie said.

At the mention of food, my stomach growled. It had been hours since I'd eaten since I hadn't had anything at the party. I hadn't really noticed but now I realised how hungry I was.

"How about you, Heidi?" Daniel said.

"Oh, just the usual, you know… Olivia and the girls."

I saw Guthrie glare at me, but he didn't say anything to Daniel about me being with Josh all evening. I don't know why I lied to Daniel either; he wouldn't have minded me being with Josh. I felt like out of all my brothers, he was the one who understood my position the most.

"How was your gig?" I asked, mainly to change the subject.

Daniel's eyes lit up.

"It was great! Crowd loved the new songs and they've booked us to play again in a couple of weeks."

"Cool!" Guthrie said. "Can we come see you play there?"

"Sorry partner, it's over 21s only."

"I hate being 15," Guthrie grumbled.

"Don't wish your life way," Daniel said, but then he added, "But to be honest I felt the same at 15. Your time will come soon enough."

/

When we got home it was near to 1am. The only lights on in the house were coming from the living room.

Guthrie got out the truck immediately and I made to follow, but Daniel called me back.

"Tell whoever is up we'll be inside in a minute," Daniel said to Guthrie.

I looked at Daniel expectantly.

"What's up?"

"You can't go inside smelling like that," Daniel said, "Adam or Brian or whoever is up will smell the pot off your clothes."

"I wasn't smoking it though," I protested, "it was the girls."

"I believe you. And the guys will probably believe you too, but if they ask if you drank anything, will you honestly be able to say no?"

I did consider lying to Daniel and telling him I hadn't had anything to drink, but there was no point. He was trying to help me.

"No…" I said quietly, "How did you know?"

"It wasn't so long ago that I was 15 too, and I don't know if you remember- you were only 9 or so, but it was a tough time for me."

I cast my mind back- I did remember that there was a period that Daniel seemed to be constantly in trouble or in conflict with Brian, but Adam especially.

"I see a lot of myself in you, Heidi. That need to want to fit in and not always thinking things through or making bad choices sometimes."

I picked my fingernails but didn't say anything.

"I'm not judging you, I just want to say, from someone who's been in your shoes, that it's not worth it."

I looked up at Daniel.

"What's not worth it?"

"Doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. Breaking Adam or Brian's trust. It takes a lot of time and effort to get that back."

"I know that," I said, "And I know I made a poor choice drinking… I just want to be like everybody else. Be able to do things that they do. Does that make me pathetic?"

"No…" Daniel said. "I get that; and I felt that way too. But rather than being like everybody else, just be yourself."

"I don't really know who that is…" I admitted. For some reason saying that out loud caused my eyes to fill with tears for the fourth time that evening.

"Stupid tears," I said, wiping them away with my sleeve.

Daniel pulled me over with one arm so I was close to him and then gave me a brief hug.

"That's natural at your age but you'll work it out," he said and then gave a dramatic sniff. "Holy smokes, I'm getting high just sitting next to you."

I laughed through my tears.

"What should I do?"

"I think I have a can of air freshener in here somewhere. We'll douse you in it and hope for the best."