Adam and I rode on in silence for a while, but it wasn't awkward or tense. Sometimes it takes me a while to unwind and formulate what I want to say- I've been like that since I was little. Adam knows that about me so even though he had asked me to ride with him to give me a in to talk to him, he let me be until slowly and surely, I could feel myself starting to unwind.

"Adam?"

"Yea?"

"Did you fight much with mom and dad when you were my age?"

"Fight?" Adam said, looking confused. "You mean argue?"

"Yea, that's what I mean- argue. Did you argue much?"

"Hmm," said Adam cocking his head to one side which he does unconsciously when he's thinking. "We didn't argue much, no. Definitely not with mom- I butted heads with dad a few times, but nothing serious."

"What about Brian?" I asked. "Daniel said that he had blazing arguments with them."

"Daniel's got a big mouth," Adam said dryly. He pulled on the reins of his horse to bring her back into line.

"Brian argued with them more than me. There was a time, maybe a year or so before they died that they went through a rough patch."

"Like us earlier this year?"

"Yes, like us this year."

"What did they argue about?"

Adam looked at me with a furrowed brow. "Why do you want to know, Heidi?"

I frowned non-committedly. "I don't know. Just interested I guess."

"Huh. Well, they argued because Brian went through a stage of steppin' out of line; he wanted to assert himself, I guess. It wasn't anything really serious. Or criminal. It's normal for teenagers to act out a bit and carve independence for themselves. Mom and dad were strict- stricter than Brian and me in many ways if you can believe that."

"Impossible!" I said.

Adam laughed. "It's true. But they always made sure that we felt like we could talk to them. About anything- mom especially. She was really good at that."

"But did you tell her things even if you knew you'd get into trouble for it?"

I said this staring straight ahead of me and not looking at Adam at all, but now I could feel his eyes on me.

"Sometimes I did, sometimes not. Now that I'm older and I'm lookin' back, I wish I'd been more honest with her. There were times that I should have spoken to her, or dad and they would have been able to help, even if I had also gotten into trouble."

I knew his words were a message to me. He was giving me an 'in' so to speak. Still, I felt apprehensive.

"But why would you talk to them if you knew you would get into trouble?"

"I think," Adam said slowly, "that it's down to maturity. People who have a certain level of maturity understand that when they've done wrong, it doesn't make them a bad person- they just made a mistake. They accept the consequences, learn from it, and move on."

Damn, Adam was good. I knew what he was doing- guilting me, appealing to my want and need to be seen as 'grown' or 'mature' in his eyes; it was very effective.

"I'm scared of what you might do to me if I talk to you," I said, effectively admitting in not so many words that I had something to tell him.

"You're scared of me?" Adam asked sharply, looking appalled.

"No, I'm not scared of you. But earlier this year, when I was being kind of- well, you know-"

"Wild," Adam finished.

"I wasn't wild!" I protested.

"You were well on your way."

"Whatever," I said, waving my hand dismissively, "anyway you threatened that you would strap me with your belt, and I don't want that so…

"So now you feel like you can't be open with me? Because you're scared you'll be punished like that?"

"Well…yea."

"That isn't somethin' I would do lightly, Heidi. It's only for the most serious offences- risking your or other's safety or doing somethin' criminal. Is what you've done either of those things?

"I don't think so… I mean I stopped before it went too far," I said, without thinking.

"Stopped what?"

I sighed, mentally kicking myself. Adam had a way of doing this- of drawing things out of me. It was both a blessing and a curse. I took a deep breath- I might as well tell him now.

"I drank last night, though you told me not to," I admitted, feeling lightheaded with apprehension.

When Adam didn't say anything, I continued quickly, "But I stopped when I felt myself getting drunk and I didn't smoke anything."

Adam still didn't say anything to me and when I risked a look at him, his profile was set and stern, and I wished I had kept my mouth shut.

Then Adam interrupted my thoughts by saying, "Why?"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"Why did you drink?"

He was looking at me intently now, even though we were still riding forward.

"I dunno…"

"That's not a reason, is it? You're telling me that after you promised you wouldn't drink last night, you turned around and disobeyed me and so I'm asking you to think long and hard about why you did it."

His voice was so stern that I felt my stomach turn.

"I just…" I trailed off, but Adam waited patiently for my reply.

"I just wanted to be like everyone else. Everyone around me was drinking, and then I didn't want to be different I guess."

"By everyone I take it you mean you were hangin' around with your group of girlfriends?" Adam said.

"Yes," I said. There was no need for him to know the guys were there too- I felt like it would make the situation I was in so much worse.

"But then you didn't smoke anything?"

"No, I felt bad enough about the drinking- I knew I shouldn't have done it and I didn't want to disobey you further."

Again, I left out the part about the argument Olivia and I had had. Adam didn't need to know that, and he definitely wouldn't take kindly to hearing what Olivia had said about him and the rest of my brothers.

"Hmmm," said Adam.

I didn't know what he meant by that, but judging by his profile, and the erect manner that he was sitting atop his horse, he was pissed at me. Very pissed.

"You're really mad, aren't you?" I said, timidly.

"I'm disappointed in you, Heidi," Adam said.

I felt my heart sink. Disappointment was worse than anger. Way worse.

"But, you do need to be credited for stopping drinkin' before you got completely out of it. And for not smokin' either. By smokin' I'm taking it to mean, pot, right?"

I nodded.

"Mmm," Adam said.

"What's my punishment?" I asked. I'd have loved to gallop on forwards, leaving him behind me, or gallop on home, but the larger part of me just felt like I wanted to know my punishment and get it over with. If Adam was going to punish me physically, then I preferred he do it out here, with no one here to witness it than back at home where everyone would know what was happening, even if it was in the barn.

"You know, you shouldn't not do somethin' because you're scared of the consequences at home; you shouldn't do it because it's the wrong thing to do," Adam said.

I was quiet and he continued.

"The rules I lay down for you, and Guthrie too, are to keep you safe. Drinkin' at these parties impairs people's judgements, Heidi, and the consequences can be disastrous. Do you understand that?"

"Yes," I said, though in truth, just like the other times he had lectured me like this, deep down I felt like he was exaggerating.

"It worries me that you're so easily led," he said.

"It was a momentary lapse, Adam. I didn't smoke which shows you that I can think for myself. You believe me, don't you? That I didn't smoke?" I asked, him, almost urgently. It was really important to me that he took my word for the truth.

"I believe you. Which is why I'm only goin' to hand down a groundin'."

It sounds dramatic but I felt so limp atop my horse with relief that I almost fell off.

"I appreciate you bein' honest with me. That shows me that you've got integrity. And I don't expect that you're goin' to be perfect. I know you're young and you're goin' to make mistakes."

I nodded. "Thanks, Adam. How long am I grounded for?"

"Definitely for the next couple of weeks. We'll see how you do on that and go from there."

"Okay," I said, quietly. A couple of weeks was okay, even lenient in my eyes considering what he could have done. He was, I felt, being fair.

"You're about to start school again, and now that you're feelin' better, I think it'd be a good idea if your main focus this year was on your classes. Takin' a couple of AP courses and maintainin' your usually high GPA," Adam continued.

"Crane already talked to me about that," I said. "He said that I should join debate team. Because I'm contrary."

Adam smiled for the first time since my confession.

"You're definitely suited to it."

"He also told me that you and Hannah went to school last year to talk to the teachers about my grades at the end of the year."

"Yea. We did. We didn't want your chances to be accepted into honors classes this year to be affected by everythin' that was happenin'. I know you want to go to college; so you should set your sights on a really good one and set about makin' it your mission to get there. Somewhere like Stanford or Cal Tech- if that's what you wanted.

I suddenly felt really emotional. Like crying.

"You really think I could get in somewhere like that?" I asked.

"Why not? You're a really clever girl, Heidi, and if you start now, you've got three years to make it happen.

"What about the money?"

"You'd definitely need a least a partial scholarship or financial aid," Adam admitted. "But we'd help you as much as we could."

I didn't think I could speak then, otherwise I'd start bawling.

"Thanks, Adam," I managed, huskily.

"Of course. We, the family I mean, would do anything for you, you know."

And that, of course, really set me off.

/

School started again on the Tuesday although teachers went back on Monday. I guess the school wanted to give them time to prepare or something like that. Later on Sunday afternoon, when Adam and I had gotten home from our ride, Ford had called and so we had all jostled with each other for our turn on the phone to talk to him. It reminded me of the days I was still a kid and Crane had been at college. Later that day, I had spent some time with Crane and Molly and, being as they were the ones out of the rest of my family who had been both been to college, they were able to give me some good advice about what I needed to do to get there. Apart from maintaining good grades and increasing my AP classes across the years until I graduated, they also told me to get fully involved in extra curricular activities. Like Crane had suggested, I decided to sign up for debate team, but I had trouble deciding what else to do.

"You could volunteer," Molly suggested, "especially in the field you think you want to go into. Do you know what that is yet?"

I hesitated, wondering if she would think my ambitions too lofty.

"I'd like to be a human rights lawyer," I said, shyly.

"That's an amazing ambition," Molly said.

"Heidi's always been really smart." Crane said. He sounded proud which made me feel good inside.

"I don't know any lawyers round here, though, that I could volunteer with."

"It doesn't have to be with a lawyer, you could volunteer with a homeless center in Sonora or an animal center or an afterschool kids programme. Anything that shows you're giving back to the community," Crane said.

"Or," he continued, "You could join drama club again."

He turned to Molly. "Heidi was in drama club from 6th-8th grades and was in quite a few shows."

"That sounds like fun. Why did you stop?" Molly asked.

I shrugged. "I lost interest I guess."

That wasn't true, really. I had loved drama club and had subjected my family to sitting through countless shows. But when I had started high school, at the start of 9th grade, it hadn't seemed 'cool' to do that anymore. The new friends that Olivia and I made wouldn't be caught dead at drama club, and so after going a couple of times, I'd stopped.

"Take stock of everything that's on offer in the first week back and then you can decide," Crane said.

So, when Tuesday came, I was actually pumped to get going. I was nervous too though- nervous about seeing Olivia after our argument- I hadn't stopped thinking about it. I also wondered if I'd see Josh. I knew he'd be busy too- being a senior and all at a new school, but it would still be good to run into him, if I could.

Olivia, though, wasn't in homeroom in the morning – Guthrie, me and her had been in the same one since the start of 9th grade and neither our homeroom teacher, Mrs Napier, nor our group was changing apart from some kids, like my friend Vanessa for example, who had switched over to another group for scheduling purposes. This was not all together so out of the ordinary for Olivia though; her parents were fairly liberal about allowing her to stay off school if she said she was 'sick'. Still, it was the first day- it wasn't exactly hard to come into school on the first day. There was no real work- just schedule fixing and signing up for classes- that kind of thing.

We were in homeroom for the first two periods, getting our schedules for our core classes and then signing up for honors classes in others. I decided to take honors classes in English Literature, math and Chemistry (my favourite science) and then an AP course in World History to begin with. Mrs Napier spoke to me quietly about whether I felt up to the workload after the state I had been in at the end of the summer semester, but I assured her I was. Talking to Adam and Crane had motivated me. Made me feel like I could do anything.

During the mid-morning recess, I looked around the canteen for Josh while I was buying a soda, but I didn't see him. I took my soda to the outside courtyard where my friends normally sit, to see if I could find them. Vanessa, Mia, Robin and Krista were sitting together, round one of the picnic tables, their heads bent close together, looking as though they were deep in discussion about something.

"Hi guys, what's up," I said, plonking myself down next to Krista.

All of them seemed startled to see me, as though I'd interrupted them, and immediately they stopped talking.

I looked at them suspiciously. "What's the matter? Why you being weird?"

"We're not being weird!" Robin said quickly.

They were, but I wasn't going to argue about it. "Ooookay. Any of you guys seen Olivia this morning? She wasn't in homeroom."

There was a long silence at the table and again, the girls exchanged looks.

"Seriously, what's the matter? You're all being so weird!" I said.

Mia looked around her, as though she thought the entire student population were listening in our conversation.

"You've got to swear not to tell anyone. Not a soul."

"Okay, I swear," I said, shrugging. I felt mildly irritated- they were all acting like they held some state secret or something.

Mia eyed the other girls again and then said, really quietly, but in an exaggerated whisper, "Rumour has it that Olivia fucked three guys at the party on Saturday."

"What?" I said, stupidly, just staring at Mia.

Mia sighed impatiently. "It's going around that-"

"I heard you the first time!" I said, "But that's ridiculous! Olivia would never do that, who'd you hear that from anyway?"

Mia shrugged. "Heard it this morning."

"But from who?" I insisted.

"I heard it too," Vanessa said, still not answering my question.

"You can't tell anyone," Krista said. "Olivia wouldn't want anyone to know."

"I won't tell anyone because it's not true," I said. I felt outraged on Olivia's behalf to have this horrendous rumour being spread about her, especially as it was so unfounded.

But it didn't matter though that I kept what Mia had told me to myself. Because by the end of the day, it was round the entire school.