Guthrie and I sat upstairs in my bedroom for a while together. I managed to pull myself together and stop crying after a short while, and then the two of us talked about other things- the first day back at school- things like that. We also talked briefly about Olivia. I didn't want to bring it up because, let's face it- Guthrie had been right about those guys and their trash talking and I didn't want him to lord it over me. He didn't though, and I should have known that Guthrie wouldn't do that to me. He did irritate me a little when he said he hoped it wasn't true.
"Of course it's not true!" I said, looking at Guthrie indignantly. "Olivia wouldn't do that."
Guthrie didn't say anything, but he looked doubtful.
"What?"
"If she was drunk, then maybe she thought it was a good idea or something…"
I shook my head.
"No. No way. She would never. I'll bet you anything she didn't sleep with any of them and they're all making up tales to impress their friends. Jerks. I wish I could punch them."
The thought of my fist connecting with those guys smug faces was greatly satisfying.
"What about Josh?" Guthrie asked.
"What about him?"
"He's Frankie's cousin."
I'll admit that I'd thought about the implications of this, but I'm stubborn and for some reason, I didn't feel like admitting this to Guthrie.
"So what? He's got nothing to do with this."
Guthrie must not have felt like arguing with me or pushing the issue further, because he just shrugged.
"Okay."
"Okay," I echoed.
Guthrie got up off the bed.
"I think I'm going to go for a shower," he said.
"K."
I watched as he headed towards the door. He was on his way out when I said suddenly, "Guthrie?"
He turned back.
"Yeah?"
"Can you not tell the others about this thing with Olivia?"
"Yea, sure. Anyway, I think the family have bigger fish to fry right now than who Olivia did or didn't sleep with."
This, of course, was true. I still didn't want them to know though.
/
We heard Hannah and Brian arrive home not much later. We had both showered and were in pyjamas, still hanging out in my room.
"They're home!" Guthrie said, springing up. "Let's go downstairs."
"Wait!" I said as he headed for the door.
"What? Why?"
"Because Adam told us to go to bed."
Guthrie looked at me as though I had told him that I had seen a unicorn.
"Since when do you do everything Adam tells you to?"
He had me there.
"Guth, what are we going to say to Brian? We can hardly just go down and say, "Hey Bri, sorry the mother of your child had been murdered", can we?"
"Why not? That's whats happened, hasn't it?"
"I guess," I conceded. Guthrie had a way of making everything seem so simple. The two of us headed out of my room and down the stairs. Hannah was enfolded in Adam's arms, standing near to the fireplace, and Evan and Crane, holding a sleeping Starr, were sitting on the edge of one of the couches. Brian was flopped down, sprawled across another of the couches. He looked, for want of a better word, terrible- washed out and exhausted. Everyone looked our way as we came down the stairs.
"Hi kids," Hannah said, stretching out her arm toward us. I stayed where I was, but Guthrie went to her and she put her arm around him and pulled him to her.
"Hi Bri," Guthrie said.
"Hey," Brian said tiredly. It seemed like he was barely registering our presence.
"I thought I told you two to go to bed," Adam said. He looked irritated.
"We heard you come home; we just wanted to see if you were okay," I offered, directing my words towards Hannah and Brian.
"We're alright," Hannah said, pulling Guthrie to her a little closer. She sounded tired and looked it too.
"Guthrie, Heidi, back up to bed please," Adam said shortly, "Now."
"We're not little kids, Adam," Guthrie said, hotly, for the second time that evening. I sympathised with his frustration.
Hannah patted Guthrie's shoulder. "Come on, Guth, now's not the time."
She gave him a silent look- not so much a motherly one, but one which asked Guthrie not to make a fuss.
"Alright," Guthrie said, grumpily. He would do anything for Hannah. "Come on, Heidi."
"Good night everyone," I said softly.
Everyone called goodnight to us apart from Brian who just held up his hand, in an exhausted, silent wave. When we got into my bedroom, I could feel Guthrie's fury radiating off him. He stalked over to the window and pulled back the curtains, looking out of the window moodily. He let out a string of unchoice words in a tirade of how ridiculous it was that we were still treated like we were 8 years old.
What could I say, really? While I may not feel so frustrated this time, I had shared the same feelings on countless occasions. I mainly listened and agreed in places. That's what I liked Guthrie to do when I was in the same position. Eventually he ran out of steam, and we both got into bed.
We were both reading in silence when I heard soft footsteps on the landing outside and then a soft knock at the door. Hannah popped her head round.
"Hey guys, can I come in?"
Both of us sat up. Hannah came and sat at the bottom of my bed. She patted my lower leg on top of the comforter.
"I just wanted to check in on you guys before I went to bed," she said.
"Never mind us! Are you okay?" I said.
Hannah smiled tiredly. "I'm alright, just tired. It's been some day, I'll tell you that much."
"Do they know what happened, Hannah?" I asked. I thought that perhaps she would know more, seeing as she had been directly involved all afternoon.
"They're still investigating. They'll keep us involved along the way I'm sure."
"Adam'll probably keep that from us as well," Guthrie muttered.
"Now come on, Guth," Hannah said mildly, looking his way, "Don't be like that. Adam's only trying to look after you."
"We're part of this family too, Hannah! Me and Heidi should be downstairs with Brian and everyone else."
"Brian's gone to bed, Guthrie. He's shattered as you can well imagine."
"Who's looking after Starr?" I asked.
"Crane and Evan offered so that Brian can get a decent night's sleep tonight. He's gone to bed in Evan's room."
"Oh," Guthrie said, suddenly subdued.
"Will you tell Ford?" I asked.
Hannah nodded. "Adam will call him tomorrow I'm sure."
She paused and then said, "Brian's going to need all of our love and support now. Starr too."
"Of course we will, Hannah," Guthrie said. I echoed him.
Hannah gave us both a look, which was now of the motherly kind although it wasn't stern or anything like that.
"That means making life easy for your brothers- behaving. Minding them. They've got enough to deal with just now." She looked pointedly at Guthrie when she said this.
"Yea. Alright," Guthrie conceded, even though he didn't look happy.
Hannah stood up from my bed. She put a hand on her belly and stretched back as though to iron out a kink.
"Let's all get some sleep. Tomorrow's another day."
/
Brian wasn't at breakfast the next morning, but the others were. I asked how Starr had been during the night, even though I knew because her crying had woken me up a couple of times. Hannah still looked tired, but she smiled at Guthrie and me and told us to have a good day. Before I went upstairs to get the final bits ready for school, I held Starr and cuddled her until Adam told me to hurry up or I would be late.
It was only the second day back, but my honors courses started, as well as my AP history course and the teachers wasted no time in dishing out homework. It was a bit overwhelming to be honest, but I think the teachers were trying to make some kind of point: this was a serious class. None of my friends were in these classes: to be honest, apart from Olivia they had struggled to pass their regular classes in freshman year. People were still talking about the rumours with Olivia but every time I heard them, I tried to squash it, assuring them it wasn't true.
Again, there was no sign of Olivia at school and when I headed into the cafeteria at lunchtime, I was hugely shocked to see Vanessa and the other girls sitting with those boys. The boys who Olivia was rumoured to have had sex with. Frankie, Paul and Wade, along with a couple of other guys.
I'd brought a lunch from home: I usually hate school lunches, so I didn't need to queue up. I could feel my belly rage and roil with indignation at even seeing those guys' faces- how could the girls still be sitting with them- had they no loyalty at all?
I marched up to the table and sat down next to Krista, letting my presence be known. I deliberately didn't acknowledge the guys though.
"What are they doing here?" I hissed to Krista under my breath.
Krista looked at me, all wide-eyed innocence.
"Who?"
"Those guys, Krista."
Krista made a face like she didn't know what I was talking about, but she's no fool. I knew she understood exactly what I meant.
"Those guys and Olivia," I said, spelling it out for her.
"Come on, Heidi, we're just sitting having lunch together- no harm done," she said, in an infuriatingly patronising tone.
"Oh okay," I said sarcastically, "So you're telling me you wouldn't care if rumours like that were floating around about you."
"I wouldn't act like a slut," Krista said, frankly. She didn't say it nastily- it more matter of fact.
"Krista!"
"What, Heidi? What else do you call having three guys in one night?"
"It's not true!" I said hotly, not even bothering to keep my voice low anymore. It caught the attention of the rest of the table.
"What you two gossiping about over there?" Frankie said from across the table. He gave us an easy smile, but I could see something harder in his eyes, something I couldn't quite place. I looked at him distastefully. He was horrible looking, I decided. There was something ape like about him.
"Nothing, Frankie," Krista said smiling sweetly at him, at the same time that I said hotly, "We're talking about those vicious lies you and your Neanderthal friends are spreading about Olivia."
"Heidi!" I heard Vanessa say as the table fell quiet. Frankie looked at me evenly across the table but then he grinned at the other guys.
"Sorry to disappoint you, Heidi, but I was there, and it's not a lie."
He started laughing. "Right guys."
The others laughed and one of the guys whom I didn't know so well slapped Wade on the back.
"Right," Wade said.
"She was gagging for it," Paul said, and the rest of the guys dissolved into laughter again. They reminded me of monkeys in a zoo.
I glanced around at the other girls, waiting for one of them to back me up or say something to the guys, but they were silent. I'd had enough- I felt close to spontaneous combustion and knew I had to get out of there quickly before I launched myself at their smug, entitled faces. Believe me, I wanted to. But in the back of my mind were Hannah's words from the night before: the family had enough to deal with right now without having to come and pick me up because I'd been suspended for fighting.
"You're completely disgusting," I spat in the direction of the guys. I grabbed my backpack from the floor and quickly stalked away, blind with rage. Predictably, my eyes filled with tears, which is what always happens when I'm angry or frustrated. I quickly swiped them away- I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them see me upset.
As I stalked out the cafeteria through the doors to the outdoor seating area, I heard a voice called my name and when I turned around, there was Josh heading over to me. He raised a hand in greeting, and then hurried over.
"Hey, Heidi! I've been hoping to run into you," he said, happily, smiling his wonderful smile.
"Hi."
I was happy to see him, of course I was, but my blood was still boiling, and I knew I was red in the face with temper. Josh must have noticed too because he said, "What's the matter?"
I looked up into his handsome face, feeling conflicted. I wished that I hadn't run into him at this precise moment. Because Frankie was Josh's cousin. What was I supposed to say- I'm furious because your cousin's a grade A jerk of the highest order?
I took a deep breath and tried to smile. "Nothing. How are you? How's your first couple of days going?"
Josh smiled ruefully. "Starting a new school isn't the most fun experience. I'm better for seeing you though."
I felt embarrassed- in a good way though if that's a thing. Josh's blue eyes were distracting me from my rage.
"I'm happy to see you too," I said.
Josh shifted his bag on his shoulder. "Do you want to go out on Saturday? We could go bowling if you want? Or if you don't like bowling we could do something else."
I desperately wanted to accept, except I couldn't.
"I'd love to, but I can't," I said. I rolled my eyes. "I'm grounded."
Ordinarily I would never admit that to a boy I liked, but I didn't mind telling Josh.
Josh made a face. "That's too bad."
"Yea."
"When are you ungrounded?"
"A couple of weeks."
"Oh," said Josh. "That's a long time."
"I know," I said.
"But if I ask you in a couple of weeks, you'll say yes?"
Thinking- no obsessing- about our interaction later, I thought about all the cool, coquettish, flirtatious ways I could have replied rather than the eager 'yes' that had immediately flown out of my mouth. I was simply a melting puddle around him.
/
Somehow, I got through the rest of the day and I even stayed after school to sign up for the debate team. Guthrie waited for me and we got the later school bus home together. Guthrie was buoyed by the news that he'd made the soccer team. I didn't tell him about my horrible interaction with those guys earlier- I didn't want to talk about it.
As we neared the house, we saw an unfamiliar car parked outside.
"Whose car is that?" Guthrie asked me.
"Beats me. Maybe it's one of Hannah's friends."
"Maybe. But I'm starting to dread unknown visitors."
Guthrie and I walked through the front door to the sight of Hannah and my three oldest brothers sitting around the living room on the couches. They were drinking cups of coffee apart from Brian who was giving Starr a bottle. On another couch, the one with its back to the stairs, sat a middle-aged woman with brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and poofy bangs. She was dressed in grey pants and a shapeless purple sweater. A half full cup of coffee sat on its saucer on the coffee table in front of her and she was holding a clipboard of sorts. She looked at us in interest and smiled as we came in, but I could feel there was tension in the air.
"Hi kids," Adam said as we walked in.
We said hi back. Guthrie dumped his bag down by the stairs, like he does every day when he comes home from school despite Hannah having told him a million times to take it up to his bedroom. I kept mine on my shoulder
Adam gestured to the woman sitting on the opposite couch.
"This is Mrs Buttercup. She's a social worker."
Ordinarily I might have been amused at this woman's eccentric name, but the moment I heard the words 'social worker', my heart sank to my belly, like it does when you're on a rollercoaster. I instantly felt nauseated. Adam must have seen it because he added quickly, "She's here about Starr."
"Oh," I said, looking at the woman again. I know it sounds silly, but I hadn't made the connection with Starr and thought, for some reason, that she was here about Guthrie and me. Not that being here for Starr was that much better, but it made much more sense, considering everything that had happened.
"Heidi and Guthrie are the youngest in our family," Hannah said.
"Hello," Mrs Buttercup said. She stood up and shook hands with me and Guthrie.
There was a moment of strained silence straight afterwards and then Adam said, "Dump your stuff and then go outside and do your chores."
Unlike the night before, Guthrie obeyed immediately- social services were no joke. I asked if I could put my bag in my room first and change my clothes and Adam told me I could. Once in my room, I left my door half open in case I could perhaps hear what was being talked about. I caught the odd word here and there, but generally the voices below were too quiet for me to hear anything properly. I felt hot and panicky, even though rationally there was no need to. I knew though, that it must be agonising for my brothers to have social services back involved in our lives. I knew there'd been trouble when Guthrie and I were very small because it was felt that our brothers were too young to care for us properly.
I had wanted to give Olivia another call as soon as I got home, but it would have to wait for now. I changed into an old pair of jeans and a T-shirt and headed back down the stairs. As I reached the front door, I caught that Hannah was talking to Mrs Buttercup about Starr's feeding habits. Just before I slipped out the front door, Crane's eyes met mine . He smiled comfortingly at me, so that made me feel a little more secure.
I headed down toward the chicken pen to get my chores done. I couldn't see Guthrie anywhere, but I thought I heard something come from the barn. When I went in to investigate, I saw Daniel was there, stacking bales of hay on top of each other.
"Daniel!" I said. I hadn't seen him properly since Saturday night when he'd picked Guthrie and me up from the back to school dance, and I was disproportionately happy to see him now.
He turned, bale of hay in hands, when I said his name.
"Hey kiddo, how was school?"
"Daniel, there's a woman up at the house from social services," I said, ignoring his attempt at casual, everyday conversation.
I must have looked really panicked because Daniel put down the bale of hay he had lifted, and brushing his work gloved hands on his jeans, he walked over to me.
"I know. She's here about Starr though, because of what happened to Destiny."
"They told you?"
"Yea. Crane and Evan filled me in when I came home last night. Kind of crazy around here, huh?"
I nodded. My eyes filled with unexpected tears, probably as a result of everything that had already happened that day. It felt like there was always something else, some other horror waiting around every corner I turned.
On seeing my tears, Daniel reached out and pulled me into a hug.
"There's no need for tears," he said gently in my ear.
I pulled away and wiped my eyes quickly with my fingertips. I gave Daniel a watery smile.
"I know. I'm just emotional about everything I guess."
"That's understandable," Daniel said, "but everything's gonna be alright."
"Why is that woman here then?" I asked.
For a moment, a brief moment, Daniel looked unsure, but it was gone in an instant.
"Destiny was strangled, Heidi, and she had a child. Even if Brian's the father, it's protocol for social services to get involved."
I looked at him, open mouthed. "Destiny was strangled?"
Daniel looked at me strangely. "You didn't know?"
"No!"