Supper was quieter than usual. Daniel was at his gig, Evan had called to say that he was working late at the McPherson's ranch with their horses and that he was going to eat there, and Ford obviously wasn't there because he was away at college, although Hannah said he had called that day and said he would be coming home the following weekend to visit. Crane was at Molly's. He was spending more and more time over there during the week now and sometimes he'd stay over and then come back early in the morning. I missed him and I missed the way things used to be, with all of us sitting down as a family to supper every evening. Everyone was so busy now with their own lives.

Adam seemed much calmer now than he had earlier, but since I was mad at him, I avoided talking to him much over supper. It wasn't easy because I sit next to him. I didn't refuse to speak to him or anything, but I mostly kept to myself. I ate quickly and then offered to take Starr from Brian so that he could eat supper with two hands. When I offered to take her into the living room, Adam said, unnecessarily in my opinion, though not unkindly, "Remember you're on dish duty."

"I know that," I replied, evenly, even though inside I felt like launching myself at him and scratching his eyes out.

"Heidi's not on the rota for tonight," Guthrie said. "I know coz I checked it before I sat down. It's me and Brian."

"Then I guess Brian's just earned himself a night off," Adam said.

"I won't complain," Brian said.

Guthrie raised his eyebrows and looked at me quizzically. I shook my head to signal I'd fill him in later.

When supper was finished, I brought Starr back into the kitchen and handed her back over to Brian. Adam told Hannah to go and take a long bath because of the hard day she'd had. I couldn't help rolling my eyes at that, but luckily Adam didn't catch me doing it. Brian took Starr back into the living room to change her diaper and Adam said he would be outside finishing the evening chores.

"Have you done yours?" he asked me.

"Right before supper," I said.

Adam nodded and headed out the back way via the mud room.

When we heard the clatter of the back door, Guthrie said, "Why you mad at Adam?"

"Huh?" I said. I didn't think I had been that obvious about my feelings.

"You barely spoke to him at supper," Guthrie said.

I started scraping and stacking the plates.

"I think he's being unfair."

Guthrie rolled his eyes. "You always think someone's being unfair to you.

I took the stack of plates and placed them on the side of the sink.

"Well, maybe they are!" I said.

If Guthrie was going to be like this, then I had no desire to talk to him either. Except that while I was scrubbing the dishes, he asked why I thought Adam was being unfair and I ended up telling him about my day although I left out the part about seeing Josh with Cassidy because I knew that Guthrie already didn't trust him.

"Man, that's rough," Guthrie said when I told him about having to speak to the police.

"Urgh! Thank you!" I said, relieved that at last, someone in my family was having the appropriate response.

"I wonder where she could be," Guthrie said as I handed him another plate to dry.

I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe she headed to family in San Francisco, but I'm sure her parents will have checked there."

"You must be really worried, huh?" Guthrie said. "I would be, if it were one of my friends."

Good old Guthrie. Finally- someone showing empathy.

"I am," I said. "And you know what? All Adam could think about was how Hannah was feeling when I hung up on her, which I know wasn't cool by the way.

"That's coz it's Hannah. You know he's a nut when it comes to her. That's why you're on dish duty?"

"Yea and I know I was wrong. But he didn't say anything to me about the police speaking to me at school and then when I got home, he really laid into me and when I tried to stand up for myself, he threatened to spank me."

Guthrie eyebrows shot up.

"He did?"

I'd finished my last plate and now moved on to clean the pans Hannah and I had used to cook.

"Yeah. He does it when I talk back to him to silence me. I mean, am I not allowed to have a voice? He knows that he can win that way. Doesn't he do that to you?"

Guthrie looked thoughtful.

"No. But I'm mostly calmer than you are, and you know the guys don't like disrespect. Don't take this the wrong way, Heidi, but you can be disrespectful and kind of aggressive sometimes. Like Brian even."

I dropped the pan into the sink in surprise.

"I am not!"

Guthrie looked at the dropped pan pointedly.

"Case in point."

"It slipped!" I said.

Guthrie smiled and shrugged.

I was quiet for a few moments after that, just thinking about what Guthrie had said. I love Brian to death, but if I'm honest, I don't like his temper. You never know what's going to rile him and although he's never directed any sort of violence at the family, the way he is sometimes can be kind of unsettling. Is that what I was like too?

Guthrie dried the next couple of pans in silence too and put them away. Then I think he wanted to clear the air between us, even though I wasn't mad at him. Just thoughtful. He said that he'd heard the guys, meaning Adam, Brian and Crane, talking the evening before, and that he'd heard Crane saying that he might move in with Molly soon.

I paused what I was doing completely to stare at Guthrie open mouthed.

"But… but he can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because they're not married!"

It wasn't that I thought you had to be married to live with someone- I wasn't that naïve. It's just that I thought that my brothers were old fashioned enough to believe that. Or Adam was anyway. Starr was living proof that Brian did whatever he wanted in that regard.

Guthrie just laughed.

"Well if they want to live together, why can't they live here?" I said.

"Because Molly's veterinary practice is over in Bear Valley and it's not like she can up and move it. Plus," here Guthrie gestured around about him, "I don't know if you've noticed but it's not like we have a huge amount of space around here."

"We've always managed before…"

"Yea. But if Starr is Brian's, then he can't raise her in the living room forever. And when Adam and Hannah's baby gets old enough, it's going to need a room of its own too."

That's ages away!" I said. I was feeling really panicked now. "What about the ranch? We need Crane here. It's his job."

"I heard him tell the guys that Molly has a spare truck at the practice that he could use to drive here and back every day."

"It's an hour each way though!"

Guthrie shrugged. I felt tears rise. When Guthrie saw them, he looked alarmed.

"Why are you getting so upset?"

"Why aren't you upset?" I asked, incredulous. "If Crane moves out, we'll never see him."

I recognised Guthrie's look as the one he uses with me when he thinks I'm being over dramatic about something.

"Yes, we will, Heidi. He'll be here every day."

"It won't be the same though," I said, wiping my eyes with my sleeve.

"No, but Crane's out a lot now anyway. And he didn't say it was for definite."

But I knew that if Crane had spoken to my oldest brothers about it, the chances were that it was definite. Crane doesn't make snap decisions like Brian, and he's not someone who's prone to spontaneous acts of passion, like Adam for example when he'd married Hannah that afternoon and brought her home. If Crane was coming to my brothers with it, it's because he had really thought about it.

/

I went straight up to my bedroom after finishing with the dishes. I'd planned to immediately get started on my homework. Despite it only being the first week back, the teachers were piling it on, and I had a fair bit to get through. Except that once again, I found it hard to concentrate. Everything was jumbled up in my mind- Olivia, Josh, my fight with Adam and what Guthrie had told while we were doing the dishes. Me being 'aggressive' sometimes, as he put it. And worse- the news that Crane could be moving out.

When I was younger, I'd had a period where I'd found it difficult to manage my emotions and Adam had bought me a journal after a series of outbursts where I couldn't seem to control myself. It had helped me a lot and I'd done it for a long while. Then, when I started middle school, I joined drama club and that was my outlet. Writing fell by the wayside until I started therapy with Julia earlier in the year. I'd not always been able to find the words to express myself verbally, so she'd had me write things down. Now, with everything weighing so heavily on me, I knew I wouldn't be able to get any homework done until I had some clarity, so I pulled a pad of paper out my backpack and sat at my desk. I didn't know where to start but then I remembered that I wasn't writing the next Booker Prize, it was just a stream of consciousness. I got so into it that everything else melted away and it was just me in my own world. I was vaguely aware of the phone ringing, but it was quickly picked up, and at one point, I heard Brian and Guthrie talking outside my room though I didn't pay attention to what they were saying.

I was still writing a mile a minute when I heard my name being called loudly. I turned around, truly startled. Adam was standing in my doorway. He'd changed from his outside clothes into sweatpants and a T-shirt and a pair of thick socks.

"Adam!" I said, putting my hand over my heart. "You scared me."

"I knocked a couple of times. Didn't you hear me?"

"No. I was writing."

"Oh. Do you mind if I come in? I want to talk to you."

I did mind if Adam came in. I was done with him for the day. Especially if I was going to get another lecture or scolding. But I thought that he would think I was being rude or disrespectful if I asked him to go away so I told him it was okay.

He came and sat at the end of my bed. I covered what I had been writing with another piece of paper. Some of it was fairly unflattering about Adam and it wouldn't help for him to see it. Then I swivelled my desk chair around so I could face him.

"I thought you'd want to know that Violet called and Olivia's home and safe," Adam said.

I immediately jumped out of my chair.

"What? When? Is she okay? I've gotta talk to her!"

I sprinted for the door, but Adam stood up and caught my arm.

"Hold up, Heidi. Violet said that Olivia's sleeping now."

"Oh," I said. "Well, did Violet say where Olivia's been? Is she okay?"

"She didn't say; all she said was that Olivia was home and that's she's alright. Physically at least."

The sense of relief that passed over me made me feel unsteady on my feet. Adam saw it.

"Come back and sit down," he said.

I went to sit back on my desk chair. Adam resumed his place sitting at the end of my bed.

"Violet did ask if you could go over there and see Olivia tomorrow after school," he said.

"But you're not going to let me go, right? Because I'm grounded," I said, sulkily.

"Actually, Heidi, I am goin' to let you go. If you want to. You're still grounded but I think this situation is different from just goin' to hang out with your friends. This is a difficult situation and Olivia clearly needs someone to talk to just now; it wouldn't be fair to punish her for your mistakes."

"Oh," I said. "Well… thanks… I think."

Although I was grateful that Adam was going to let me go, I still sensed censure in his words.

Adam sat forward a bit and let his hands rest on his knees.

"Is there anythin' else you want to talk about, Heidi?" Adam asked. He looked serious. Stern even.

I eyed Adam warily.

"I'm not sure I'm allowed to say what I think."

Adam frowned.

"What do you mean?"

"When I told you what I thought earlier this afternoon, you threatened to spank me."

"Because of your tone, Heidi. You were hollerin' at me."

"Because you were yelling at me!" I said.

Adam shook his head. I could sense his exasperation.

"Look, Heidi. I'm not an ogre. But after all these years of me raisin' you, I'd have thought you'd know by now that yellin' or being disrespectful in any other way, like for example," he looked at me pointedly, "slammin' down to the phone to Hannah, or me or Brian or anyone who's an authority figure is completely unacceptable and if you do it, and you push too far, they'll be consequences. Like for a sore backside for example."

"But I'm too old now for that Adam," I moaned. "I'm 15! That's only three years away from being a legal adult! Plus, no one I know still gets punished like that." I was thinking of Cassidy Duncan. I could feel even now how completely mortified I'd be if she or worse, if Josh, knew what I had to face at home.

"I'd bet that it's more people than you'd think," Adam said. He crossed his arms. "And even if it's not, even if you and Guthrie are the only ones, I don't care. Because as long as you're under 18 and you live under this roof, you'll follow my rules. It's the way mom and dad raised me, and it's the way I'm goin to continue to raise you and Guthrie and the kids that Hannah and I have."

Oh great. The 'as long as you live under this roof' lecture. I'd lost count of the number of times Adam and I had had what seemed like the same conversation. I would try to rebel, he would quash it, I'd get mad and then he'd reiterate his expectations; I'd behave for a while and then we'd go through the same process all over again.

Adam must have thought so too because he said then, "I don't know how many times we have to have the same conversation, Heidi."

I shrugged.

"But I don't want you to feel like you can't say what's botherin' you. It's not my intention to 'silence' you as you so often put it," Adam said, air quoting the word 'silence'.

I heard what Adam was saying. I did. I just didn't know if I was capable of controlling myself in emotionally fraught situations. If I'd ever be capable.

"It's hard to be 'respectful' as you put it when you're mad at me or when I'm mad at you, or when you're yelling at me," I said.

"I know. But you're goin' to have to keep workin' on it. Because I'm not goin' to back down on this point. Ever."

I was tired now. Very tired and I still had my homework to get through. Unexpectedly, I could feel the tears rising. They spilled over. I had a box of Kleenex on my table, and so I swivelled my chair round quickly to take one and wipe my eyes and nose.

"What are the tears for?" Adam asked. His voice was softer now.

I thought his question was stupid. I was crying because he'd scolded and lectured me, and I'd had a hard day on so many levels. Surely, he'd know that. Although to be fair, he didn't know about Josh, and he didn't know I knew about Crane's possible plans. I didn't want to get into anything again, so I just said, "I'm tired I guess."

"Let's get you an early night then," Adam said. "Do you still have homework."

I nodded, not wanting to tell him I hadn't even started.

"Alright. Well before I leave you to get on with it, is there anythin' else you want to talk to me about? Maybe somethin' you wanted to say earlier? Now's your chance."

I felt a bit pressured then; I don't like to talk about what I'm feeling until I'm good and ready. But since Adam was giving me an open, I said, "I'm hurt that you didn't even care what happened to me at school today. Being questioned by the police. It was really horrible, and you didn't even ask how I was feeling- you only cared about Hannah."

Adam pulled his head back in surprise.

"You're right there, I suppose," he said, slowly. "I guess I didn't think about how that would be for you. But it's because I knew you weren't in trouble and you were safe the whole time."

I squinted at him, confused.

"Huh?"

"The school called this mornin' and asked for my consent for the police to talk to you. I thought you'd want to talk to them if it meant that Olivia would be found sooner."

"What? You could have told me that this afternoon, Adam!" I said. "And even so, it was still really scary."

Adam held a finger over his lips, like he does sometimes when he's thinking.

"I could have been more sensitive about it," he admitted. "There's a lot on my mind just now, but maybe my communication skills could be improved too, huh?"

I conceded a small smile through my tears.

"For sure."

Adam stood up. "Feel like givin' me a hug. Or are you still feelin' too put out."

I won't pretend that I was over this afternoon, but the conversation with Adam had helped some. Plus, after the day I'd had, a hug sounded good. Even though we fight sometimes, I don't actually like to be on the outs with Adam.

I stood up too and Adam understood that it was my way of saying I did want a hug. He pulled me into him and put his arms around me. For some reason it made me cry even more. Adam rubbed by back.

"Honestly, you silly girl," Adam scolded, though his tone was light. "Did you really think that the police would talk to you and that I wouldn't know or have nothin' to say about it?"

"What was I supposed to think?" I said into Adam's chest.

Adam just continued to rub his hand up and down my back. It's been the primary way I like to be comforted since I was little whereas Guthrie prefers to have his head stroked for example.

After a minute of me crying and Adam comforting me, he said softly, into my hair.

"I'd die before I ever knowingly let anythin' bad happen to you, Heidi."

Thanks so much for the engagement and the reviews. I hope people are staying safe and well. I saw a meme the other day which I loved and helped me in this hard time: 'each day that passes is one day closer to this being all over'. Please god it will be soon.