"And then… I don't remember clearly… just like flashes of stuff. But… I think I had sex."

I just stared at Olivia when she said that.

"But… how can you think you had sex?" I asked her. "I mean…how don't you know?"

I didn't mean to make Olivia feel bad. It's just that I didn't understand what she meant. I guess I was still naïve.

"I don't remember much," she said, flatly.

"Oh… okay."

It sounded horrible. To be that drunk that you didn't remember things. And important things too- like whether you'd had sex. To my knowledge, Olivia had never slept with anyone, though I knew she'd fooled around with guys in the summer.

"I just remember…." Olivia trailed off.

I was silent, almost holding my breath, waiting for her to continue.

"I remember the guys were there. I remember that. And I was like, sore the next morning. Really sore. Down there; you know what I mean?"

"Yeah," I said even though I didn't know what she meant. Not really. The furthest I'd ever gone with a guy was kissing. But I could imagine, sort of. I'd heard, from other girls talking and things, that your first time could hurt a lot.

I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I felt panicky inside. And sick.

"Can't you tell your mom? Or Ella?" I asked.

Olivia's eyes suddenly welled up with tears, and they immediately spilled over and tracked down her cheeks.

"I can't, Heidi."

"But they're so worried about you. And maybe they can help," I said, even though I immediately knew why she didn't want to tell them.

"I just can't, Heidi," Olivia said, more insistently this time. Aggressively even.

She grabbed my arm.

"Please don't tell, Heidi. Not my mom, or sister or anyone. Not anyone in your own family. Not even Hannah, okay?"

I was torn. I knew Violet was counting on me to shed light on what was wrong with Olivia, but I completely understood why she didn't want to tell her family. I would never ever share that with my brothers or even Hannah if that happened to me. Never. I'd feel like they'd never look at me in the same way again.

"Okay," I said. "But they know about the rumors… I had to tell your mom when you ran away."

"I'll say it isn't true. That the guys are just making this stuff up."

"Okay…" I said again, though doubtfully this time.

Olivia lay back down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling again. Except she was still crying so there was a track of tears running down towards her ears.

I was feeling a medley of emotions. I felt so bad for Olivia. So bad that it hurt. An actual pain in my chest. And then I felt panicked because I didn't know what I was supposed to do with the information she'd just given me. And hatred. I felt pure, boiling hatred for the guys that had done this to her. They were filth. Scum of the earth. I pictured myself stabbing them in the eye with a fork. It was intense.

But Olivia was crying, and I knew she needed my attention. I curled up next to her and took her hand again. And just held it while she cried.

/

I'm not sure how long we lay there. I didn't look at my watch. It didn't seem like that long. Eventually, there was a light knock at the door and Violet popped her head round. I saw her taking note of Olivia crying, and me just lying next to her, trying to comfort her.

"Heidi?" she said then, softly.

"Yea?"

"Hannah just called to say that your brother, Crane, is on his way to pick you up. She said he'll be here in around 30 minutes."

"Oh! Okay," I said, a bit surprised. Hannah had told me in the morning that I should call when I was ready to come home. But I knew my brothers were busy, and maybe this was the only good time someone could come out.

Violet hesitated for a moment, as though she were considering coming into the room properly. But then I guess she decided against it, because she gave me a half smile and then closed the door again.

"I have to go soon," I said, once Violet had gone.

Olivia sat up, suddenly.

"Promise me you won't say a word to anyone, Heidi, of what I told you. Promise me."

I thought about how many times someone in my life had asked me that. Guthrie. Other brothers at different times when we were younger. Olivia in the past. And the times I'd said it to all of them too. Sometimes I'd kept the promise and sometimes I hadn't. I knew that this time, though, I would have to keep it.

"I promise," I said, "But what should I tell your mom? Or kids at school?"

"Tell my mom I'm upset because a guy I like doesn't like me. And that I said that those rumors about me at school aren't true. Tell the others at school that too."

"I don't think your mom is going to buy that," I said, doubtfully.

"She will if it comes from you. She trusts you," Olivia said.

That made me feel worse! I knew how much Violet was counting on me and having to lie to her face- well it wouldn't feel good. But if I would if I had to. And I felt like I had to.

/

Crane was driving a truck I didn't recognise. When I climbed in and asked him about it, he told me that it belonged to Molly's veterinary practice and that she'd said he could use it for a while. Then he asked me how Olivia was, and I told him she was alright.

"Why'd she run away then?" he said.

"She's upset about a guy," I said carefully. I was glad we were driving so that Crane wouldn't notice that I couldn't meet his eye. It had been hard and horrible enough to lie to Violet when I'd come downstairs. I felt like Crane could tell I was lying though, even though maybe it was just paranoia.

"How were things at home today?" I asked him to change the subject.

Crane rolled his eyes.

"Eventful. Seems like every day these days around the house is eventful."

"Tell me about it," I said, "What happened?"

Crane glanced at me. It seemed like he was considering whether to tell me the truth or not, but then I guess he decided to because he said, "The police called and said they're releasing Destiny's body. I guess they've taken any evidence they need from it."

"But why'd they call us? Or Brian?"

"I guess because Destiny doesn't have any other family or friends."

"Oh…" I said, thinking. "What does that mean… that they're releasing a body?"

"It means that the person is ready to be buried. Or cremated. I guess we'll need to think about a funeral for her."

"Can we afford it?" I asked, though I already knew the answer.

"No. But we'll have to find the money somehow," Crane said grimly. That was his go to phrase when we had to pay for something we couldn't afford. Which was often.

I felt so sad for Destiny. And for Starr whose mother had been so alone. How could a person not have any family? Or friends? I asked Crane this.

"Some people just don't, Heidi. There are millions of people in this world in many different situations. Not everyone is as lucky as we are," he said, giving me the same answer as other brothers had on the occasions I'd asked them this question.

"I know," I said.

My brothers drove me mad sometimes. And Hannah did too on occasion. But I knew how lucky I was to come from a big, close family. Usually, I fantasised about the day I could leave Murphys and go and experience the world, but in those fantasies, I didn't consider how hard it would be to leave my family. And little Starr now too. A pang of insecurity washed over me.

"Crane, I don't want you to move in with Molly," I burst out suddenly.

Crane looked taken aback.

"Who told you that?" he demanded.

"Guthrie. He said he'd heard you talking about it with Adam and Brian."

Crane looked irritated.

"Guthrie's got big ears. And a big mouth."

"But is it true? I mean, are you going to?"

"Well…" Crane said slowly, "It's something Molly and I are discussing. We want to take our relationship forward and me moving in with her would be a good way to do that."

"Why can't she come and stay with us, though?"

"You know why."

I knew he was referring to the lack of space at our house and also Molly's veterinary practice which was soon going to become completely her own.

I suddenly felt like I might burst into tears. It was probably a build-up of the day's events. I swallowed hard a couple of times to stem them. I knew Crane could tell that I was upset though.

"You'd still see me all the time; I'd be at the ranch every day. And you could come and stay the night with us."

"It wouldn't be the same though," I said, trying to control the wobble in my voice. "I'd miss you. I miss you now as it is."

Crane's brow wrinkled. He looked startled.

"What do you mean?" he asked, glancing at me and then back at the road.

"We haven't spent much time together recently…"

Crane looked like he was considering.

"That is true. I guess I've been out a lot. With Molly. Or at Molly's, huh?"

I nodded.

Crane reached out and put a hand on my leg. He squeezed it lightly.

"Tell you what, why don't you and I hang out this weekend at home. Just you and me." He grinned at me conspiratorially. "We'll find a way to get rid of the others."

"Maybe we could go to the movies or something?" I said.

It would be good to get off the ranch and have my mind distracted with something else other than what was happening at home with Starr and Destiny and then Olivia and school.

Crane gave me a knowing look.

"Aren't you grounded to the ranch?"

"Yeah," I admitted, "But Adam let me come to see Olivia after school today…"

"That's because of Olivia running away though, Heidi."

"I know. But maybe if I'm with you he'll let me go," I said hopefully.

Crane laughed.

"I don't think that's going to fly."

I sighed. "I wanted to ask him if I could go to the game tomorrow night too."

Crane laughed again. This time more loudly.

"I think you know there's little chance of that, little one. I'm surprised you're even thinking of asking."

I gave him what I considered to be my cutest, most persuasive look.

"Maybe you could put in a good word for me?"

"Nope!" Crane said cheerfully. "You know fine well that we don't overrule each other when it comes to you guys."

"I know but-"

"Forget it, Heidi."

I sighed again. Heavily.

"Okay. But I'm still going to ask Adam myself."

I thought Crane looked amused.

"Suit yourself."

/

When we got home, Crane headed off towards the barn and I went into the house. I heard Starr screeching before I even walked in. Hannah was changing her diaper in the living room. She looked hot and tired.

She said a harassed hi, and then asked me to go and check on supper which she said she'd had to abandon preparing to take care of Starr.

Hannah had been in the throes of making lasagne with a vegetable version for me. She'd pretty much prepared it, so I just put it in the oven and threw together a salad. Then I started the clean-up job which is what I was doing when Adam, Brian, Crane and Evan came traipsing through the back door. I was secretly pleased that Adam was seeing me prepare supper as he'd told me the day before that I needed to help Hannah for the rest of the week.

I said hey and then Brian followed the sound of Starr's screaming and headed through to the living room and Evan said he was heading upstairs to have a quick shower before supper. Crane started to wash his hands at the sink and Adam put the coffee maker on and then leaned against the counter with his arms crossed, waiting for Crane to finish washing his hands.

He smiled at me. He seemed to be in a relatively good mood despite the news that Crane had shared with me earlier about Destiny.

"Thank you for helping out Hannah with supper."

"That's okay. Besides, you told me yesterday, remember?"

"I do. I'm glad to see you mindin' me."

"See? I do sometimes," I teased.

Adam looked at me pointedly, but I could tell he knew I was kidding around with him.

"How was Olivia?" he asked me quietly.

I immediately felt tense again.

"She was okay," I said.

"Did she tell you what's goin' on with her?"

"Uh… yea," I said.

I turned away from Adam and moved to the cutlery drawer, intent now on setting the table so that I wouldn't have to look at Adam directly. Crane was finished washing up at the sink now and was talking to Guthrie who had just wandered into the kitchen, but Adam didn't move.

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked me.

"Not really," I said, as I rifled through the cutlery drawer, pulling out knives and forks.

I waited for Adam to say more, but he didn't. I busied myself, but I could feel that he was still looking at me. After a couple of moments, he went to the sink to wash up.

I took the cutlery to the table and got out the glassware and plates. I managed to rope Guthrie into helping me set the table. He also asked me about Olivia. He was more insistent than Adam about wanting to know what she had said, but I was saved by the fact that Hannah came into the kitchen then, followed by Evan and Brian who was carrying Starr.

Over supper, the conversation turned to Destiny and the funeral. Hannah said it wasn't supper table conversation, but then Crane pointed out that it had to be discussed some time and mealtimes were usually when the family were together.

Evan asked if it was better to wait to plan a funeral until we knew for certain whether Starr was truly Brian's child.

"Why?" I asked, not understanding his logic.

He looked uncomfortable.

"Because if Starr isn't Brian's, then Destiny's not really our responsibility, is she?"

"Evan!" I said, horrified.

"I hate to say it, but it's true," he pointed out.

"Starr is Brian's," I said stubbornly. "Even Brian thinks do, don't you Bri?"

I didn't give him a chance to answer before I went on, "Destiny is Starr's mother. Or was her mother, and Starr's going to want to know about her as she grows up. We have to do right by her because Starr's going to want to know what we did for her mom."

"I'm just sayin' that-" Evan began, before I interrupted him.

"And even if in the tiny, miniscule, 1% chance that Starr isn't Brian's, Destiny's was still a person, and she deserves a proper funeral."

I felt strongly about this, and I could feel myself growing hot.

"Calm down, Heidi," Adam said.

I really hate to be told to calm down- isn't it one of the most patronising things people can say when you're worked up about something? Crane was sitting next to me, and I think he could tell I might smart off, because he put his hand on my thigh, I knew, as a gesture of comfort, but also of restraint.

"I am calm," I said mutinously.

I expected Brian to say something. After all- Destiny was the mother of his child after all. But he continued to eat his supper with one hand, while holding Starr in the other. She seemed content now, dozy even.

"When will the test results be in?" Guthrie asked.

"Beginning of next week, I think," Crane said. "Right, Bri?"

"Yep."

"I think we first of all need to sort out the financial situation," Adam said, "And then we can think about makin' plans for the funeral.

Crane nodded.

"Ev and I are goin' to play some pool after supper, but I don't plan on being back late. We can do it then," Crane said.

Adam nodded in agreement.

/

After supper, Evan headed out with Crane into Murphys. Starr had fallen asleep, and Brian put her down in her crib and then sprawled out on one of the couches, his eyes closed. Adam and Hannah also settled on another one of the couches, curled up into each other, reading different sections of the newspaper. Guthrie was slouched in one of the chairs, completing homework. Usually, I would do my homework upstairs in my room; but tonight, after yet another unsettling and emotionally charged day- Olivia, Destiny- I just felt like being around my family. I brought my homework downstairs and sat cross legged at the coffee table, so I had something to lean on when I was writing.

We all sat in relative silence for a while doing our own thing. Brian even fell asleep and started snoring softly which made us all laugh.

"Poor thing, looking after Starr during the night has exhausted him."

"Get ready, coz that'll be you and Adam soon when the baby's born," Guthrie said.

Hannah smiled. "I can't wait," she said, and leaned over to kiss Adam.

It made me think though, how we would manage when Hannah had her baby. She'd have less time for Starr during the day. And I mean, Starr wasn't exactly her responsibility anyway, even though I knew she didn't mind looking after her now.

Adam stretched out his legs.

"Speakin' of exhausted, I'm goin' to get another cup of coffee. Anyone want anythin' from the kitchen?"

Both Guthrie and I told him no and Hannah looked at him disapprovingly.

"It's late, Adam," she said. She was always hassling him not to drink coffee in the evening because she thought it was unhealthy.

"Nah, I'll be fine," Adam said, "Besides, I need it for when Crane and I go over the ranch accounts when he gets home this evenin'."

Hannah still looked like she didn't approve, but she didn't say anything else, and Adam strolled into the kitchen.

I saw my chance to get him on my own. He had seemed in a good mood earlier, and he didn't appear overly stressed about the situation with Destiny and the funeral, so I thought that this could be a good time to ask him about being allowed to go to the game the following evening. Or at least being allowed to go away from the ranch to hang out with Crane.

I unfolded myself from the floor and headed towards the kitchen, feeling stiff from sitting cross legged for so long.

Adam was pouring himself a cup of coffee when I came into the kitchen.

"You decide you want somethin' after all?" he asked me.

"Yea. Well actually I wanted to talk to you," I said.

Adam immediately looked serious. "About Olivia?"

"Oh. No, not about that," I said, realising that he thought I wanted to talk about my time earlier in the afternoon.

"Alright."

He looked at me suspiciously.

"You want somethin'," he declared.

"No I don't!" I exclaimed, even though I did.

Adam took a sip of his mug of coffee.

"Yes. You do. You have that look about you."

"What look?!"

"The look that says that you're goin' to ask me for either money or permission to do somethin'."

Darn it! Adam could read me like a book. I cursed myself for being so obvious.

"Either way, the answer's no," he continued.

"But you haven't even heard me out yet!"

"I don't need to," he said simply. "Because you're grounded Heidi Mae, which means that you absolutely do not have permission to do somethin' or go anywhere. And because of that you don't need any money."

This was not going well.

"Maybe I'm going to ask you for permission to do something after I'm grounded!" I protested.

Adam took another sip of coffee without taking his eyes off me.

"Are you?"

"Well… no," I admitted. It was very clear that I wasn't going to be able to score going to the game the following evening. Still, going out with Crane could still be a possibility.

But then Adam said, "Right. And I know that you wouldn't be foolish enough to think that just because I let you go to Olivia's today to help her out, I'd let you off the rest of your grounding, would you?"

Adam's eyebrows were raised- he didn't look particularly mad or anything, but he had that firm, no nonsense expression he gets when he's shutting down a behavior he doesn't like, or ending a discussion he doesn't want to have.

My eyes met his. I sighed. Heavily.

"No, Adam."

"Good."

He put his arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head.

"I know that you'd be way too sensible for that."

Then he led us back to the living room.

/

That evening I had a terrible nightmare. I'd had a hard time getting to sleep anyway, thinking about Olivia and what she'd told me, and Destiny and the funeral and the murder case. I'd felt really anxious, but I'd use some of the techniques I'd learned with Julia and it had calmed me down. Nightmares aren't something I'm used to- bad dreams yes, but full on nightmares is more Guthrie's department. He'd had them frequently when we were little and had awoken screaming and crying hysterically. In my dream, Olivia, Destiny and Starr were all there, as well as my parents. I was trying to get to them, but figures with unformed and indistinct faces kept violently kicking and punching me to the point where I was feeling real physical pain. I woke myself up screaming and crying.

I think it's very clear that Olivia has been raped: if she was too drunk to know what was happening then she couldn't consent. However, that's a very 21st century understanding, and this is set in the 1980s when unfortunately, attitudes were different. I wanted to show how Heidi and Olivia and then others in general might deal with something like this. If this offends anyone, you may want to stop reading but of course, it's personal choice. Stay safe everyone.