The next morning was a Saturday and the family let me sleep in. We're not a 'sleeping in' kind of family; they never explicitly said it, but I sensed that Adam and Brian disapproved of the notion. I didn't even understand the concept of sleeping in until I started to spend more overnights at Olivia's. Of course, we were permitted to sleep in if we were sick or something, but other than that, it was a given that I'd be expected to get up in the morning by 8am at the very latest, and that was only on weekends. And even that was seen as indulgent in a way. Even when I'd been at my lowest point during the summer, I hadn't been allowed to stay in bed. Someone always came to get me and forced me up. So it was really surprising to me that when I awoke in the morning and looked at the clock on my bedside table, it was 9.45am. It was a testament to how awful my night at been. I'd woken up the entire household with my nightmare, including Starr who had taken 2 hours to settle back down again. I remembered various brothers appearing in my room, and I knew that Crane had reached me first and had tried to calm me down by holding on to both my arms and trying to shush me, but every muscle was taut, and my body felt on fire with pain. I remember that it had taken the efforts of Crane along with Adam and Hannah to calm me down, and there was Tylenol and camomile tea and strong arms around me and back stroking involved. But on the the whole, my memory of it was hazy and soporific, almost like waking up had been part of the dream.

I lay in bed for a little while longer, just thinking about everything: Starr, Destiny, Olivia, school, Crane's imminent moving out to Molly's, and then my parents. I wanted my mom. I knew it was irrational to think that if she was alive and well she'd be able to solve all my problems and I'd suddenly be a happier, sunnier person without a care in the world. There's nothing to say we'd even have got along! Julia had told me it was an escape or coping mechanism and we'd talked about how unhelpful it was to me because it wasn't rooted in reality. She told me I needed to reach out to the people in my life- my brothers and Hannah- who were alive and present and who cared about me- to support me. How could I though? These weren't quick fixes that they could solve. And if I told them, they'd sure as day tell Olivia's parents.

I was lost, deep in thought when I heard a very soft knock at the door and then Hannah opened the door gently and stood in the doorway. When she saw that I was awake, she came and sat at the edge of my bed.

"Good morning, sweetie," she said, "I was just coming to see if you were awake. How long have you been up for?"

"Not long."

"How you feeling? That was a rough old night you had."

She smoothed my hair back. She was wearing the maternal expression that she gets when she's looking after me or Guthrie, or even Ford back in the day. I'm really lucky to have Hannah in my life: I know that. And when we were younger, when she first came into our lives, I had no problem accepting her affection, even being grateful for it and relishing it. But sometimes, these days, I have a difficult time accepting it because it reminds me that I don't have my mom. It's not Hannah's fault and I know that. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes. But I didn't want to go through a dissection of why I'd had a nightmare with her which I knew was coming. So I told her I felt fine.

"Are you hungry?" she asked me.

"A little," I said.

Hannah looked relieved. She always looks relieved when I say I'm hungry these days, probably because of what happened earlier in the summer.

"Come downstairs and I'll make you something."

"I think I'll stay in bed a little longer," I said. I didn't feel like getting up and facing the day.

Hannah patted my leg.

"I think it's best you get up now, Heidi. It's already mid-morning."

"Please, Hannah, just a little longer," I begged.

For a moment it looked like Hannah was going to argue with me, but then I guess she decided against it because she said smiled and said, "I guess a little while longer won't hurt."

"Thanks," I said. I reached for the book on my bedside table, finding the last page I'd read.

Hannah wasn't done with me though because her next words were, "Can you remember what you dreamed about?"

I laid my book down.

"Not really…" I lied. In reality, I could remember my nightmare vividly.

Hannah's brow creased with worry.

"Are you sure, Heidi? Because you were really distressed. I've never seen you like that before; you were screaming about being in pain and it took quite a while to calm you down."

"I'm sorry," I said. I felt bad- Hannah was pregnant after all; she needed her sleep.

"You don't have to be sorry; I didn't mean it like that. I just want to help you."

"I know… but I really don't remember."

"Okay," Hannah said.

I picked up my book again.

"How was it seeing Olivia yesterday?"

Good lord, was Hannah ever going to give up?!

"It was fine, Hannah," I said.

"Adam said you didn't give much away about what happened."

"Nothing happened," I insisted.

"So Olivia didn't tell you why she ran away from home?"

"It's about a boy. She likes him and he doesn't like her back," I said carefully. This was what Olivia had asked me to say. I figured I'd better start practising now.

"She ran away because a boy doesn't like her?" Hannah said doubtfully. She was giving me one of her infamous dubious looks. Hannah's no fool.

"That's what she said."

"Hmm," Hannah said.

I felt hot under her heat like stare. Hannah can be as intimidating as Adam in her own way. I concentrated intently on my book, even though I wasn't reading any of the words on the page.

Thankfully though, Hannah must have decided that now wasn't the time to push me because after a couple of moments, she patted my leg again and stood up.

"I'm going to get on with a few things."

"Okay," I said, relieved.

"Don't stay in bed too late," she warned.

"I won't."

Of course I did stay in bed because I ended up enjoying my book so much. Reading has always distracted me and been an escape. I didn't even know what time it was when Brian rapped on the door briskly and then, without waiting for my reply, came into my room.

"Up and at em' lazy bones," he said, striding over to my curtains and sweeping them open.

I groaned.

"I'm not being lazy- I'm reading."

"It's close to midday, Heidi- I know you had a rough night, but I couldn't believe it when Hannah told me you were still in bed. There's work to do around here you know."

"I know," I said. I laid down my book and hauled myself out of bed.

"You can help Hannah prepare lunch for everyone and then you can help Guthrie clean up the tack room this afternoon."

"Great," I said, under my breath.

"What?" Brian said. It was the kind of 'what' he does when he's spoiling for a fight. I could tell even by how he'd stormed into my room that he was a real grouch today.

"Nothing," I said, sullenly.

Brian stood at the foot of my bed with his arms crossed, like an army sergeant, his eyes flashing.

"I need you to leave my room so I can get dressed," I said.

"Alright, but make it quick, Heidi. We don't have the time for you to be loungin' around today like a lady of leisure."

Brian left my room and I got dressed quickly, muttering to myself about how irritated I was at Brian. When I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth, I saw that my period had come. At least it explained my bad temper and extreme tiredness. I knew that the cramps would start in a couple of hours. I don't always have bad periods, but some months are worse than others. It's hard though sometimes, being the only girl in a houseful of boys who just don't get it. Hannah does of course, but she says that she's never had cramps.

When I went downstairs, Hannah was in the kitchen, giving Starr a bottle. Evidence of lunch preparations were strewn around the kitchen. She looked relieved when she saw me.

"You're up!"

"Yea," I said. "Brian said I should help you with lunch."

"Actually, I was going to fry up some chicken and I know you hate touching meat, so can you take over with Starr for me?"

"Sure," I said.

Hannah plucked the bottle from between Starr's lips which resulted in her cries of protest. I quickly took Starr from Hannah and sat down to feed her. Once I gave her the bottle again, she settled immediately, guzzling down the milk. I stroked her little cheek. Just being near her filled me with a sense of calm.

Not long after, my brothers came trooping in for lunch. In the same breath, Adam asked me how I was feeling and also berated me for not doing my chores that morning.

"Make sure it's the first thing you do after lunch and then it would be really helpful if you could watch Starr this afternoon," he told me.

"Brian said I should help Guth to clean the tack shed," I said.

"I'm sure you'll have time for both."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

Over lunch, the talk turned to who needed the vehicles that evening. Daniel has his own truck because he's away playing in gigs so often and Crane's been using a truck from Molly's vet practice lately, but other than that, there's 2 vehicles between the rest of us and going some place takes some co-ordination. Guthrie reminded everyone that he needed transport to the game though he thought he get his friend's brother to give him a ride home. Brian said obviously he was home because of Starr. Evan put in a request for the jeep because he was meeting some friends in town that evening. He said he could drop Guthrie off at the game.

"How long did Molly say you can borrow the truck for?" Brian asked Crane.

"As long as I need at the moment," Crane said.

"You going to spend the night there again tonight?" Adam asked.

"Actually, I'm going to stay home tonight," Crane said. He looked at me and smiled. "Heidi and I are going to hang out."

I smiled back at him, surprised.

"Really?" I asked. I hadn't thought he would give up a Saturday night with Molly to hang out with me. It was pretty nice of him. "Doesn't Molly mind?"

"Nah," Crane said, "She said she'll meet up with some of her girlfriends if there's no emergency at work."

"That's nice," Hannah said.

"Since everyone else is taken care of, why don't you and me get away for a couple of hours tonight, honey?" Adam said to Hannah across the table.

"Can we afford it?" Hannah asked.

"We could take a blanket and a picnic somewhere," Adam said.

Hannah smiled. She looked really pleased. "Okay."

"Can we go for a ride?" I asked Crane.

"You're grounded, Heidi," Adam reminded me. Being grounded at our house literally meant that- while I could be outside around the vicinity of the house, riding was considered a privilege that was off limits during a grounding. Still it was so irritating. It was like being in prison.

"I know," I said. "I just thought if I was with Crane…"

"No," Adam said, shortly.

"We can hang around here and have fun, Heidi," Crane said. "You'll see."

/

Crane was as good as his word. I had spent the afternoon helping Guthrie to clear up the tack shed and looking after Starr. Guthrie asked me about Olivia, but I staved him off. Starr was grisly and my period cramps started which made looking after her a bit difficult, but I took a couple of Tylenol which helped. When Brian came in, early evening, he went for a shower and then took Starr off me. I went upstairs and took a shower myself. When I came downstairs afterwards, Brian told me that Crane was waiting for me outside. When I went out the back, I couldn't see Crane, but I did see that the picnic table was set as though we were in a real restaurant with a tablecloth and a little vase of flowers on the table too.

"Since you're under house arrest, I thought I'd bring the restaurant to you," a voice said, and when I turned around, Crane was coming towards me balancing two dishes of what looked like ravioli and a plate of garlic bread.

I took the plate of garlic bread from him and took it to the table.

"Did you make this yourself?" I asked.

"I sure did," Crane said. "I can cook you know, even if I don't do it so often."

"I've never seen you make this," I said.

Crane laughed. "To tell you the truth, Molly taught me. She's big into Italian food."

The food was really good- Molly had taught Crane well. While we ate, Crane asked me about my week and how school had gone, whether I'd signed up for debating club yet, things like that. He did also asked me about my nightmare and what it was about but I told him I couldn't remember. I didn't want to talk about it and ruin the lovely time I was having. Being out here with Crane was a wonderful distraction from everything else going on.

After we were finished eating, Crane brought a couple of blankets outside. It was getting dark, but still very warm. We lay on our backs, next to each other, just looking up at the sky and talking about things. Something I like about Crane is that he'll hold an adult conversation with me. We talked about college and his experiences of it. I told him what Adam had said, about how I should set my sights on a great college and make it my business to get there.

"That's a very sensible idea," Crane said. "I remember when Adam had the same conversation with me."

"He did?" I said. "When? When you were my age?"

"Around that time. He said he knew it would be something mom and dad would want for me. And of course, I wanted to as well."

"Did you ever think about not coming back to Murphys and the ranch when you graduated?" I asked. It was something I'd wondered lately.

Crane turned his head to look at me.

"Why'd you ask that?"

"Because I think when I get out of this area, I won't want to come back. Apart from seeing the family of course," I said. "I'd miss all of you."

"You may feel differently when the time comes," Crane said.

"Maybe," I said, even though I knew I wouldn't.

"I might have felt differently if mom and dad had been alive," Crane said, answering my previous question. "But I wanted to come back. Be part of things here. I knew I was needed here, even though Adam and Brian told me to do what I wanted."

"I'm glad you came back," I said.

"Me too, little one."

Crane and I talked about other things then. I even talked to him about Josh! Not in detail but I did tell him how much I liked him. I'd definitely wanted to go to the game to see Josh, but spending the evening with Crane was a perfect alternative.

/

That night I had another nightmare. Destiny and Starr weren't in it this time, but Olivia and my parents were. Again, I couldn't get to them and again, I woke up the whole house screaming and crying. Adam told everyone I'd woken up to go back to bed. He got me two Tylenol again and a glass of water. While he was out the room, fetching it, I changed pyjamas because my others were clammy with sweat. After I'd taken the pills, Adam told me to lie back down again.

"What was your nightmare about?" Adam asked quietly, when it was clear that the pills were kicking in and my body was starting to relax.

"I don't remember," I said.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Is there somethin' buggin you then?" Adam asked me.

"No."

Adam eyed me thoughtfully. I could tell he didn't believe me. But I closed my eyes so I wouldn't need to look at him. I think he stayed with me until I fell asleep again because I don't remember him leaving my room before that.

I was exhausted the following morning again, but there was no lying around in bed. I was up by 8 and then I spent the day helping with various chores around the house, doing my homework and looking after Starr. I also called Olivia but no one answered. Part of me was relieved. I didn't know what I would have said. Adam told Guthrie and me to go up to bed relatively early that night, since it was school night. Guthrie had had a late night the previous evening, being out at the game and of course I was tired from poor sleep.

But I couldn't sleep. I'd lie there, and just when it seemed like I was drifting off, my heart would start racing a mile a minute. It was so frustrating. I was so tired: why couldn't I sleep! I tried some of the techniques that Julia had taught me, but they didn't work this time so I decided to head downstairs and see if I could brew up some of the camomile tea that had helped soothe me the previous night.

As I came down the stairs, I could see Starr asleep in her crib on her back, lying in a star fish position which seemed to be her favourite position for sleeping. My three oldest brothers and Hannah were all sitting on the front porch. The door was shut but the windows were wide open so I could hear them perfectly. And unmistakably, they were talking about me. Hannah said she hoped that I'd have a better night tonight and not have a nightmare. Adam asked Crane if I'd opened up to him the previous evening when we'd been hanging out.

"Not about anything that's bothering her; you know what she can be like sometimes," he said.

"Yea; I tried too, but she shut me down," Adam said.

"She's only had nightmares a couple of nights," Brian pointed out. "It may pass and be nothin' at all."

"Nah, I know that kid inside out," Adam said, "And I know when somethin's buggin' her."

"Well there is a lot going on around here," Crane said. "You know, with Destiny and Starr and everything. And she knows that I'm fixin' to move in with Molly. Guthrie told her and she seems a bit cut up over it. Maybe it's that."

"Maybe. Has she talked to Guthrie? Or Daniel?" Brian asked.

"Guthrie, no. I asked him. And Daniel's not been around this weekend," Adam said.

"Maybe we ought to send her back to see Julia. Just for a couple of sessions," Hannah suggested.

"Money's real tight at the moment, but I guess we could look at bringin' in some extra money somehow," Crane said.

Adam sighed. "You'd think she'd have learned somethin' from earlier in the year." He sounded frustrated. "Every time I think we're gettin' somewhere, it's like we take three steps backwards. I just don't get why she won't open up. Up until recently, I used to be able to get her to talk to me. Or she'd talk to one of us at least. But this year…"

"It's not your fault, honey," Hannah said. I couldn't see her, but I knew she'd be rubbing his arm comfortingly or something of the like. "Being a teenage girl is tough; there's pressures and hormones and all sorts of other things to contend with."

"Daniel was difficult too," Brian said, "Don't you remember what he was like at her age?"

"Yea," Adam said, "He was hard work, but not like this. Raisin' Heidi is harder by far."