Hannah frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean, if you were really drunk or something, and then you woke up the next day and you weren't sure if you had sex or not…"

"It's possible, yes," Molly said. "But I would think, that if sex did happen in that situation, then it's an example of non-consensual sex."

"Non-consensual?" I asked. "Do you mean…"

"I mean rape."

"Oh…" I said, stupidly.

A sinking feeling the size of a gulf materialised in my stomach.

"Are you sure…?"

"Well," said Molly, "it certainly sounds like it."

"But… but I thought that rape was like, you know when someone pinned you down and made you have sex when you didn't want to," I said.

If I was honest, no one had ever talked to me about what 'rape' was. I'd just sort of picked up the concept from what I'd read, or what I'd heard other people talking about. I knew that Adam and Brian had had serious talks with all of my brothers about safe and responsible, and even respectful sex, but no one had ever talked to me about it. I'd grown up on a ranch, so I knew about the mechanics of sex from being around animals all my life, plus I'd learned about it In Biology at school. Hannah had sat me down, not long after she'd joined the family when I'd been 12, and had answered any questions I had too. But never, had I had any sort of real education or frank conversation about what rape actually was.

"Rape is non-consensual sex, Heidi," Molly said, frankly. "It doesn't always have to be a man jumping out on a woman from behind the bushes."

"But what if the girl thinks that she wants to, and says yes when she's drunk and everything. Is that still rape?"

"I suppose that's where it gets complicated-" Hannah began, but Molly interrupted her.

"If a girl is drunk to the point where she doesn't even remember if she had sex the next day or not, then she's too drunk to have given consent," she said. "I know that many people will argue that it's not rape, Heidi, but it is. It is."

I looked at Hannah. She didn't say anything in response to that; she just looked serious.

"What's making you ask about this kind of scenario, Heidi?" she asked.

I felt panicked again. Seriously panicked. I fumbled for something to say, and quickly.

"Oh, well, uh, it's in a book that I read recently. That happens to the main character, so I was just wondering, you know…?

"What book?" Hannah said, her blue eyes still fixed on me intently. I could tell she didn't believe me.

"Just a book from the library," I said.

"What's the name of it?"

"Um… 'The tale of Kathy Malone'," I said, reaching for the first thing that came into my head. Hannah wasn't much of a reader so I thought that she wouldn't be able to tell that I'd completely made the title of the book up. I couldn't look at her while I said it though.

"I need the bathroom," I said, getting up quickly.

I felt like I was going to be sick.

The bathroom was upstairs. When I got in there, I shut the door and leaned against it, feeling like I was floating, like I having an out of body experience or something of the sort. If what Molly was saying was true then… then those guys had raped Olivia. Raped her. Even the word itself sounded horrific. Did Olivia know that that had happened to her? Was I wrong to have kept what Olivia told me a secret?

I felt the bile rush up my throat- a burning sensation, and I vaulted to the toilet, violently throwing up into the bowl, again and again until there was nothing left in my stomach. I suddenly felt so ill.

"Heidi?" a voice said- Hannah's. She knocked on the bathroom door. "Are you alright in there?"

"Yea," I called back, weakly. "I'm just coming."

I flushed the toilet quickly, a couple of times and then washed my hands. The soap had a pleasant lemony smell. My mouth felt disgusting- bitter, but my toothbrush was in my toiletry bag in my overnight backpack. There was a tube of toothpaste on the counter though, so I spread some on my finger and tried to brush my teeth as best as I could.

When I unlocked the door, Hannah and Molly were standing outside it, looking worried.

"Are you okay? It sounded like you were throwing up in there," Molly said.

"I don't feel very well," I said, faintly. I suddenly longed to be at home in my own bed where I could close my eyes and sleep.

Hannah felt my forehead with her hand.

"You don't have a fever," she said.

"I hope it wasn't something you ate," Molly said.

"I don't think it was," Hannah said, her eyes pinned on me.

"Do you still feel sick?" Molly asked.

I shook my head. I didn't feel sick anymore, only faint, and panicky.

"Why don't we go back into the living room," Hannah said.

I followed Molly and Hannah back into Molly's living room and flopped down on one of her oversized couches, pulling my legs into me and curling up into a little ball. There was red furry blanket over one arm of the couch, and I pulled it up over myself because I was cold.

"Maybe you should go to bed," Molly said.

"Not yet," Hannah said firmly.

She sat down on the couch next to me.

"Heidi," she said, in the same firm tone. I knew what was coming. As I've said before, Hannah's no fool.

"I think you're having a physical reaction to the conversation we just had for a very specific reason. Am I right?"

I hesitated. I wanted to deny it. But I just didn't have the energy anymore. I nodded.

Molly sat down in an armchair across from Hannah and me. She looked a bit confused.

Hannah put a hand on my knee.

"When you went over to Olivia's last week, what did she tell you? What were her exact words?"

"She said… she said that she was really drunk the night of the back to school party, and that she doesn't know for sure, but she woke up the next day and she thinks that she had sex," I said.

The minute it was out I felt an adrenaline rush that deluged over my body- feelings of relief for having finally have told someone, guilt for having told someone when Olivia had asked me not to, but also guilt for keeping the secret in the first place, when I knew deep down that I shouldn't have. I burst into tears and covered my face with my hands- embarrassed. I'm always embarrassed when I cry in front of other people, no matter who they are.

"Come here," Hannah said, and then I felt her arm around me. I leaned into her. Hannah doesn't wear perfume- she says it gives her a headache. Instead, she always smells of the peaches soap that she uses.

"Did your friend- Olivia, right? - Did she ask you to keep this a secret?" Molly asked.

I nodded and pulled back a bit from Hannah.

"I need some tissue," I said, getting up and going back to the bathroom to fetch some. I caught a glance at myself in the bathroom mirror; my face had turned a blotchy mess. I don't know how some girls look glamorous when they cry- I always look horrible.

When I got back to the living room, Hannah was filling Molly in quietly about who Olivia was; about the rumors that been floating around school since the first day, and how I'd gone round to her house the previous week.

"I know I shouldn't have kept it a secret; she asked me to promise. I didn't know what to do," I said, breaking into a wave of fresh tears.

"I understand," Hannah said.

"Does Olivia know, or understand what's really happened to her, do you think?" Molly asked me.

I wiped my eyes. "I don't think so. Or Maybe- I don't know. She hasn't been back at school since the semester started. And her dad said she's gone to San Francisco with her mom."

"When did he say that?" Hannah asked.

"At the start of the week, when I called. The same day that we found out for sure about Starr."

"Okay," Hannah said. She leaned into hug me again, and I felt the baby kick- hard. There was something comforting about feeling the little life growing inside of her.

"I'm so tired," I said. I just wanted to sleep.

"Of course- strong emotion always makes me tired too. You can go on up to bed," Molly said.

"I'll go get your stuff from your backpack," Hannah said, getting up.

I didn't want Hannah getting up when she didn't have to- being pregnant and all.

"No, it's okay, I'll go," I said, "I can get it myself."

Hannah waved her hand, as though she were dismissing what I had said.

"No, it's alright, I need to pee anyway," she said, heading towards the stairs.

"I'm really sorry, Heidi," Molly said, when it was just the two of us in the living room.

"It's not your fault," I said.

"I know; it's more that I'm sorry that yet more girls have to deal with the fall out of men who abuse women. I wish I could tell you that this kind of thing doesn't happen often, but it does."

She looked genuinely angry.

"It's not right and it's not fair."

The sound of the toilet flushing came from upstairs.

"I should have told earlier," I repeated.

"I completely understand why you didn't," Molly said. "Don't be too hard on yourself. It's confusing and very difficult being your age. Everyone says it's the best years of your life, but I hated being a teenager."

"Did you?" I asked, interested.

I wiped my nose again.

"Yes. I honestly hated high school; I didn't fit in, so I was bullied mercilessly. It was only after I went to college that I felt a sense of peace in myself."

"I feel like that too," I said, then added hastily, "I mean I'm not bullied or anything, but I feel like I don't fit in here- well to Murphy's and this area. Sometimes even my family."

Now if I'd said that to Hannah, she would have told me to stop being silly- she may even have been hurt, but Molly nodded like she understood.

"Heidi-"

I heard Hannah's voice before I saw her. She came back into the living room, the bottle of her allergy pills in her hand.

"Why do you have the bottle of my allergy pills in your backpack?"

Oh. Crap. In the foggy state of mind that I was in, I had completely forgotten that I had packed the bottle in my backpack. I hadn't wanted to risk having a nightmare at Molly's house, so I'd planned to take one while I was brushing my teeth. How could that have slipped my mind?

Hannah stood in front of me, looking down at me, expectantly.

"I've been taking them…," I said weakly, sneaking a look up at her.

"What for though? You don't have any allergies that I know of."

"To help me sleep…"

"Oh, Heidi," Hannah said, sitting down next to me on the couch again.

"I didn't want to have nightmares anymore and be a burden to you all," I said, starting to cry again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Molly get up from her chair.

Hannah put her hand on my thigh.

"You're not a burden! Ever! What would make you think that?"

Molly came back into the room, holding a fresh wad of tissue. She handed it to me, and then sat down in the armchair opposite me again.

"Thanks," I said, through my tears.

I turned back to Hannah.

"I heard Adam, when I came downstairs after I'd gone to bed, earlier in the week. I wanted to get some tea because I couldn't sleep. You were outside with Adam, Crane and Brian."

Hannah looked to the side, into in the distance, like she does when she's thinking about something.

"I remember sitting outside," she said slowly, "But I don't recall Adam saying you were a burden. He would never say something like that because it's not how he feels."

"He said I was hard work. That raising me has been harder than all the boys."

Saying out loud what I'd heard Adam say made me realise that I'd actually been really hurt by what he'd said.

Hannah sighed heavily.

"Oh honey, he didn't mean it the way it sounded," she said.

She put her arms around me again and let me cry.

"Adam loves you so much. So much that he wants to make everything alright for you all the time," she said, rubbing my back.

She pulled back.

"He puts a lot of pressure on himself when it comes to you. It's not that he thinks you're hard work, it's that he's only raised all boys before, and with you, sometimes he doesn't know the right thing to do, or say, and that frustrates him. Even scares him. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I think so," I said, and I did. Sort of anyway. Adam was a massive control freak, and I knew that sometimes, especially this year, he just didn't know what to do for me. Or with me.

"But do you have to tell him and the other guys about your allergy pills?" I asked.

"You know I do."

I had expected that answer. Hannah didn't keep big secrets from Adam.

"They'll be so mad at me though…"

"It's more likely they'll just be very concerned," Hannah said.

"What about if I promise not to take any again? You've got them now anyway!"

"I still have to tell them Heidi."

"Will you protect me?"

Hannah smiled, I think she thought I was trying to be funny, but I wasn't.

"Don't be silly!"

I lay my head back on the couch to stretch my neck.

"My head hurts so much," I said.

"I'll get you a couple of Tylenol," Molly said, getting up again. She came back no more than 2 minutes later with a glass of water and a couple of pills.

I took the pills and drank some water. It was cool and felt refreshing going down.

"What if I can't sleep tonight? Or have another nightmare?" I asked.

"If you have another nightmare, then we'll deal with it. And if you can't sleep, then we'll deal with that too. It won't be the end of the world. Right, Molly?"

"Absolutely," Molly said. "I've actually had periods of insomnia myself, so I know lots of good tricks."

"Okay. But what's going to happen now… with Olivia and everything?"

Hannah hesitated, but then she said, "Let's talk about that tomorrow. Why don't you go on up now?"

"I don't want to be alone while I'm falling asleep," I said, shyly. It was childish but I craved the company.

"We can come up with you," Hannah said. She looked at Molly, "Or I can, if you feel uncomfortable."

"No no, I think that would be nice," Molly said.

The two of the came upstairs with me and then waited in the room while I brushed my teeth and washed my face. When I climbed into bed, I let out a huge sigh of relief to be lying down. To have told someone about what Olivia had told me. I felt like maybe I could sleep now.

/

I realised when I woke up the next morning that I'd slept the whole night through without having a nightmare or taking a pill to help me. I got out of bed and went to the bathroom and then downstairs.

Molly was sitting at the little yellow table in her kitchen drinking a cup of coffee and leafing through a magazine.

"Good morning," she said when she saw me.

"Hi," I said going to sit down on the chair opposite her.

"How did you sleep?"

"Well actually. I'm a bit surprised to be honest."

"Maybe talking about things last night helped," Molly said.

"I think so. Where's Hannah?" I asked.

"She actually headed home not so long ago," Molly said, "I'm going to take you back home around lunchtime. I was going to head on over to the ranch today anyway."

"She probably wants to prepare the guys, so he don't kill me," I said, glumly.

"You really think they'll be mad?" Molly asked.

"Crane probably won't. You picked the most reasonable one. Brian will hit the roof. Depending on how mad Adam is, he may yell or not. I'll be grounded again, I guess," I said glumly, thinking about my potential date with Josh that week. I'd be grounded until I graduated at this rate.

"What do you think they'll be mad about? You haven't really done anything wrong."

"Mmm. I think they'll be mad about the pills, even though they're only silly allergy pills. They'll think it's really irresponsible. But I only did it because I wanted them to have a break from worrying about me," I said.

My stomach rumbled as I was talking.

"Are you hungry?" Molly asked.

"A little."

I realised that my stomach was completely empty since I'd thrown everything up the night before.

Molly got out of her chair.

"I'll make you some breakfast."

"No, please don't go to any trouble. I'll just have a couple of slices of toast," I said.

Molly fetched a couple of slices of toast from the bread bin and popped them into the toaster and then poured me a glass of orange juice, even though I hadn't asked for it. She leaned against the counter, her arms crossed while the toast warmed. I took a sip of the orange juice.

"Why do you think your family needs a break worrying from you?" she said, coming back to what I'd said before she got up.

"Because I'm a giant pain, especially this year," I said, playing with the ends of my hair. I needed a haircut to get rid of split ends.

"I know your family doesn't think you're a 'giant pain' as you put it," Molly said.

The bread popped up and Molly quickly pushed the lever down again to brown it some more.

"It's just that this hasn't been a good year for me. I don't know how much you know…"

"Crane's told me some things and Hannah talked to me about what you've been through last night after you were asleep. But at no point, did either of them say that you were 'a pain'."

I liked that Molly didn't try to pretend that no one had told her anything when I knew they would have.

"It feels that way. Well maybe not that they think I'm a pain, but I think I'm a pain. I mean it's just one thing after the other, and I seem to collapse any time things get tough."

"That's not the way I see it," Molly said. "I see someone who keeps on going, even though things are hard sometimes."

I looked down at my fingernails.

"But that's only because of my family. There were some days this summer where I couldn't even get out of bed. Sometimes one of my brothers had to help me out of bed- literally. Hannah had to help me get dressed a few times. And now with this thing with Olivia… and having the nightmares… I just… I just wanted to be strong. I wanted not to need any help. But look what I did last night- I ruined the whole evening."

The bread popped up again and Molly put it on a plate and then on the table in front of me. She pulled butter and jelly out the refrigerator and set them down on the table too, along with a knife. Then she sat back down at her place.

"Firstly, you didn't 'ruin' anything. They'll be plenty of other opportunities for us to hang out together, I hope. And secondly I think that we have different definitions of what 'being strong' is."

"What do you mean?" I asked, reaching for the butter for my toast.

"To me, being strong doesn't mean never asking for help. Being strong means recognising when you need help and asking for it. Everyone needs help sometimes, Heidi, everyone. And just because you're having a hard time now, doesn't mean it will always be like this. You're young; you're still building resilience. Every hard thing you go through now will make you more resilient in the long run, because you'll know you survived it. Do you understand what I mean?"

"I think so…" I said, slowly, putting down the knife so I could give my attention to Molly's words. They sounded like something Julia would say. She would have made a great therapist, I thought.

"It's like imagine you have a cut and it gets infected. If you go to the doctor and get antibiotics or whatever, then you'll heal. But if you don't, it'll get worse and more serious. You can't heal if you pretend you're not hurt, Heidi."

Surprisingly, her words got to me and my eyes suddenly blurried with tears.

Molly put a hand over mine.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," she said. "Maybe I've overstepped a boundary- we don't know each other that well."

"No, you didn't! It's fine- I understand what you're saying," I said.

Molly smiled at me.

"Remember what we talked about earlier in the week, when I came outside to talk to you when you were doing your homework at the picnic table?"

I nodded.

"Well, I truly believe what I said. The McFaddens are one of the most loving families I've ever come across. All your brothers and Hannah want to do is love you. So, let them love you, Heidi."

I haven't forgotten about my other story- the next chapter is already half written as I've been doing it alongside this one. I'll update it in the next week. Thanks for all the support.