Molly and I hung out together the rest of the morning, lounging around on the couches in her living room. It was definitely nice to just have a chance to chill out; there was always work to do around our house either inside or outside on the ranch. Molly said relaxing on weekend mornings was one of her favorite things to do.
"I like it too, but I don't get too much of a chance," I said.
"Work on the ranch?" Molly asked.
"Or inside the house."
Molly scrunched up her nose.
"I know it's got to be done, but I'm not a fan of housework," she said, laughing at herself.
"Me neither. And I hate cooking. I definitely don't want to just be a 'housewife' when I'm older. Sometimes I don't know how Hannah can do it so happily."
"Different strokes for different folks," Molly said.
"Did you always know you wanted to be a vet?" I asked.
"Pretty much," Molly said, "I used to line up all my stuffed animals when I was a kid and pretend to heal them all."
I laughed.
"Did your parents encourage you?"
"Oh yes, both of them were very supportive of me. They still are. And of course, my uncle is a vet, so I had lots of hands on experience."
"Where do your parents live?" I asked.
"Not far from here. I see them all the time. Crane's already met them."
"He has?" I asked, surprised. Crane hadn't mentioned anything to me. Then again, he's a pretty private person, or maybe he mentioned it to others in the family. "Did they like him?"
"Of course!" Molly said, laughing. "Crane's a pretty hard guy not to like."
"It's so cool that you've got your own practice," I said.
"It's been a dream of mine for a long time. I think going and doing the internship definitely cemented it for me."
"Did you ever think about not going… you know… because you were with Crane?" I asked, referring to a few years back when Molly and Crane had first met.
"Mmmm," Molly said, looking thoughtful, "I definitely considered it. But ultimately, I knew that I had to follow my dreams, and that if I didn't go because of Crane, I would always resent him. Crane understood that too. However hard it was for him, he knew I had to go."
"I remember how sad he was when you left. He moped around for a long time," I said.
"Well, I'm here now. And we're together and everything worked out for the best. I believe if something's meant to happen, it will. You should never give up your dreams for a man, Heidi. And if they ask you to, they don't really care about you."
I liked that. And I liked Molly herself. I liked how confident and assured and comfortable in her own skin she was. Like Hannah in lots of ways, but also different in many ways too.
As the hands on the clock edged closer to the time we needed to leave Molly's to go back to the ranch, I became increasingly nervous.
"Are you alright?" Molly asked, as were leaving her house. "You look really pale."
"I'm nervous," I admitted.
My stomach was in knots and I felt sick.
"It'll be alright," Molly said confidently.
That was easy for her to say. She'd never seen my oldest brothers in full on anger mode before.
/
We saw Ford and Daniel as we ambled up the long track that leads up to the house. They were on horseback in one of the pastures. I waved when I saw them, and they waved back and nudged their horses in our direction.
They stopped alongside us as Molly put her jeep in park and then Ford dismounted.
"Hey!" he said to us, giving me a big hug first and then moving to hug Molly too. "I was wondering when you two would get here."
Daniel had stayed mounted atop his horse and greeted us as well.
"When did you get home?" I asked Ford.
Ford and I aren't so close, but it was good to see him, even though it had only been a few weeks since he'd been gone. It always seems like nothing is quite right when one of us is gone.
"Late last night," he said.
He looked at me then, more closely, like he was squinting.
"What's the matter," I asked. He was making me self-conscious. "Do I have something on my face?"
"No… you just look pale is all. You okay?"
"I'm fine," I said.
"And you're looking really thin again," Ford went on.
"No, I don't!"
"You do."
He turned around to look up at Daniel.
"Don't you think she's looking really thin again?"
Now I had Daniel staring at me, as though he were assessing me too.
"Maybe," he said, frowning.
"Have you seen Hannah yet?" I asked, hoping to distract them both. I also wanted to know how much they knew. I didn't think that Hannah would have come home and announced everything over the breakfast table, but it's as though the walls have ears in our house.
"Yea- I saw her earlier. She's looking bigger now."
"Never let her hear you say that!" Daniel said.
"I wouldn't," Ford said.
"Is Crane inside?" Molly asked.
"I think so. I saw him go in about 30 minutes ago."
As though Crane knew, by some sixth sense that we were talking about him, the front door opened, and he came out, walking down the path.
He greeted Molly with a hug and a kiss and then he put his arm around me and pulled me into his side. I looked up at him and knew, instantly, that he knew everything already.
"Lunch is in 20'; d'you think you'll be done by then?" he said to Ford and Daniel.
"Should be if we move it now," Daniel said, nudging his horse away again.
Ford moved to climb atop his horse again, and Crane steered me up towards the house, his arm still around me, and Molly walking alongside us.
Molly went into the house first, but I pulled back on Crane's arm, just outside the front door. I wanted to talk to him before we went inside, where I was unsure of the reception I was going to get.
"How much trouble am I in?" I asked, looking up at him.
"It'll all be okay," Crane said in his typical calm manner.
"Are you all really mad?"
"We're not mighty pleased, but we're more worried than mad, Heidi."
"About the pills, right?"
"Yes, that's a big part of it," Crane said.
I sighed.
"Are Adam and Brian in the house?"
"No, but they'll be back soon for lunch."
I must have betrayed on my face just how worried I felt because Crane said, "Don't worry, little one, no one's going to jump down your throat."
"Okay," I said.
"It'll all be okay," Crane repeated.
"Okay," I said again.
"Come inside now," Crane said, opening the screen door.
I pulled on his arm again.
"Crane?"
"Yea?"
"I really like Molly. A lot. She's amazing."
Crane smiled.
"You're preaching to the converted."
"I think you should ask her to marry you," I said.
And then I was the one who opened the screen door first and went inside.
/
I could hear that Hannah, and I assume Starr, was in the kitchen when I went inside, but I decided to go on up to my room for a while before lunch. I unpacked my backpack, putting the dirty items of clothing into the wash basket in the corner of my room, and then, because I felt all jittery, and wanted something to distract me, I tried to get on with a bit of homework at my desk.
It wasn't too long until I heard more voices downstairs and knew my other brothers had come in for lunch. Rather than waiting to be called down for lunch, I figured it would be in my best interest to go down and see if I could help out in any way. I was nervous; I really was. I knew neither Adam or Brian would pounce on me- not in front of everyone like that- but I knew that I was in for the mother of all lectures later. And that would be the best-case scenario.
Ford was telling Guthrie all about dorm life when I came downstairs. From what he was saying, it sounded like so much fun- so I stopped there to join in the conversation for a couple of minutes, before passing through to the kitchen. It was a whirlwind of activity in there- Molly was sitting at the table holding Starr and Crane sat beside her with his arm around her. They were chatting to each other quietly and looked like a model of the perfect little family unit. Hannah was by the stove, laughing at something with Daniel who was taking the lids of the pans off and smelling things appreciatively. Adam and Brian were both by the sink, scrubbing their hands, engaged in their own conversation. They stopped talking when they noticed me come into the kitchen, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but luckily the others carried on as usual, so it wasn't too awkward. They both said hi to me, and I said hey back, but I avoided looking at them and asked Hannah if there was anything she wanted me to do.
"Setting the table would be a big help, sweetie."
"Okay," I said.
"I'll help you," Crane said, getting up from his chair.
The kitchen cabinet where we keep the plates are right next to the sink on the left side. As I was getting them down, I studiously avoided looking at Adam or Brian -it was harder than you'd think. My head was starting to hurt again- and my neck. Probably tension.
Everyone in the family was there while we ate lunch, apart from Evan who was working training horses at the neighbouring ranch. There was talk that he'd be meeting Ford, Daniel and Guthrie at the pizza joint in town later on.
"Do you want to come, Heidi?" Ford asked.
"I'm grounded," I said quietly, looking at him quickly, and then staring at my plate again.
"Oh, that's too bad," Ford said. He sounded genuinely regretful. "I'm not going back until tomorrow night, so maybe we can hang out tomorrow day okay?"
"Okay," I said.
I definitely wasn't hungry that lunchtime, but I forced myself to eat a decent amount, mainly to show Ford that there was nothing wrong with my eating habits again. The last thing I needed now was him mentioning his concerns to our oldest brothers. That is, if he hadn't done so already.
The boys had barely finished eating when Adam told them what he needed done that afternoon. From what he was saying, he was sending them to work a fair distance from the house. That made me feel nervous. Was he trying to give me privacy because he planned to come down hard or was I just being paranoid?
Brian went into the living room to put Starr down for a nap when we'd finished eating and Adam and Ford did the dishes while the rest of us milled around at the table.
"Are you going to come out and help us?" Ford asked Adam.
"We- Brian, Crane and I- will be out a little later. There's somethin' we need to take care of first here."
I knew that 'something' he needed to take care of was me.
The washing machine beeped to signal it was finished its cycle and Hannah got up and went into the mudroom to deal with it. I followed her in there.
"I can transfer the stuff into the drier if you want," I said, coming up behind her.
"Oh!" she said, turning around, her hand over her heart, "I didn't know you were there!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. Do you need some help?"
"That would be great; my belly's getting in the way of doing things comfortably now."
I stepped round her and pulled open the top of the washing machine, pulling out the wet clothes and transferring them straight into the drier next to it.
"Heidi," a deep voice behind me said.
Adam.
I turned my head.
"Yea?"
"Come into the living room when you're done with the laundry, alright?"
"K," I said.
Adam walked away immediately. I looked at Hannah, panicked.
She put a hand on my arm.
"Don't worry," she said quietly, stressing the word 'Don't'. "They're more worried than mad. Word of advice though- don't give them any attitude."
"I won't," I said.
I didn't have the energy to be sassy anyway.
"And be honest when they ask you something. Everyone only wants to help you."
"Okay," I said again. "Hannah?"
"Yea?"
"You came home earlier this morning to make sure they had time to cool off before they saw me, didn't you?"
Hannah hesitated, as though she didn't want to answer my question.
"It's okay. I know my brothers."
"They use anger to mask their worry," Hannah said. "Well Brian does, and to some extent Adam does too."
"I know."
"They're calmer now."
I stopped what I was doing with the laundry and hugged her impulsively.
"Thank you. For taking care of me the way you do. Like a …." I swallowed. "Like a mom."
Hannah pulled back. She looked momentarily stunned and then her eyes became shiny.
"It means a lot to hear you say that," she said.
I knew that it was me using the word 'mom' in relation to her which had made her emotional. I was aware that Guthrie felt like Hannah was a 'mom' to him, and Ford too to an extent. She mothered everyone in the house, even Brian. But in the past year, because of everything I'd been going through- grieving for my parents- I'd distanced myself from Hannah a bit. I'd felt like to look at her like a mom would be disloyal to my own mother. But now, after her support of me last night, and what she'd done for me this morning- trying to protect me and do the best thing for me- I realised that a mom to me was exactly what she was.
"I mean it," I said.
Hannah took my face gently in her hands.
"I know. That's what made me cry."
We smiled at each other and then Hannah told me not to take too long finishing the laundry and went round through the mudroom to the living room.
I finished transferring the laundry in 2 minutes, but I took another couple of minutes in the mudroom, just gathering myself. The murmur of voices coming from the living room drifted through.
I wandered into the living room, taking the same route as Hannah had not more than 5 minutes earlier. She was sitting on the couch which has its back to the door. Crane and Molly were sitting together on another couch and Brian was standing next to the bassinet with one hand on Starr's stomach, as though to soothe her. She looked like she was completely out. I was glad she was in here. Brian wouldn't yell so as not to wake her up. Adam wasn't there- I could hear that he was on the phone in the upstairs hallway.
I hovered by the entrance to the living room.
"Hi honey," Hannah said, smiling at me when she saw me. She patted the spot next to her. "Come sit by me here."
I went to sit next to her and curled my legs up underneath me. There was some bubble wrap sitting on the coffee table- it looked like it had come with a package of some sort, and I reached for it, and then fiddled with it, popping the bubbles one by one. Hannah put her arm around me. I leaned into her, concentrating on the bubbling wrap so I wouldn't need to look at anyone.
"Who's Adam on the phone to?" I asked.
"I'm not sure. Guys do you know?" Hannah asked.
Brian and Crane said they didn't, just as Adam hung up the phone and came downstairs.
"Oh good, you're here," he said.
He sat down on the armchair next to me, his stance wide legged.
"We want to talk to you about what you told Hannah and Molly last night," he said, launching straight in.
"Okay," I said quietly.
"Firstly, we want you to know that no one's mad at you. But there's some things we gotta talk about. Serious things, and we need you to be honest. 100% honest, even if you think it's goin' to make us mad. Can you promise you'll do that?"
I nodded, without looking at him, popping another couple of bubbles loudly.
"I'd prefer if you didn't do that," Adam said.
Hannah gently took the bubble wrap away from me and put it to one side.
"Hannah told us about the fact you've been takin' her allergy pills to stop your nightmares and help you sleep," Adam continued.
I looked down at my fingernails and picked at a hangnail on my middle finger.
"That is so incredibly dangerous, Heidi. You might think that takin' allergy pills isn't a big deal and luckily, these ones are non-habit formin', but they just as well could have been. This is how addictions start, not to mention the fact that takin' pills not meant for you can have serious side effects."
"Have you ever done that before?" Brian asked.
He'd moved away from Starr's bassinet now and was standing by the fireplace with his arms crossed.
"No."
"100% honesty, remember, Heidi."
"I haven't! I promise," I protested. "I just… I just wanted to sleep uninterrupted. I didn't think about anything else… ."
"We understand that. But do you understand, truly understand how foolish and dangerous what you did is?" Adam said
Did I? If I was truthful, I thought they were overreacting. But Hannah had warned me the best course of action was to refrain from giving attitude. I knew the answer that was expected of me.
"Yes," I said, making sure to look at Adam when I said it.
"Okay then. Secondly, no one blames you for keepin' what happened to Olivia a secret. We understand how scary and upsettin' this has been for Olivia, and for you. But you do know that you're goin' to have to call and tell Olivia's parents the truth, don't you?" Adam said.
"Yes," I said again, but my voice wobbled this time.
Hannah squeezed my hand.
"Violet and Harry need to know, honey, so they can help Olivia properly," she said.
"I know," I said.
I'd known that my brothers would make me do that. That it was the right thing to do. But it didn't make it any easier.
"I can be with you when you do it. Or I can do it for you," Hannah said.
"You're to stay as far away from those thugs as possible. We don't want you anywhere near them," Brian said, cracking his knuckles.
I knew that Brian was talking about the boys who had hurt Olivia. That was fine by me. I wished I never had to see those guys again.
"Lastly, Guthrie told us that he hasn't been seein' you at lunch the past week at school. He said you'd told him you've been goin' to the library, which is up to you of course. But are you eatin' your lunch there? Remember, Heidi, we need honesty from you to be able to help you." Adam said.
I hesitated. I so badly wanted to lie and say I was. But my brothers were being really nice to me. Much more understanding that I'd thought they'd be about this whole situation. I just couldn't, in good conscience, lie.
"Sometimes… mostly not. But sometimes I've been eating a little…"
Brian blew air out exasperatedly. I caught Crane shooting him a sharp look.
"Why not?" Crane asked.
"I've not been hungry… and I mean," I shrugged. "I've been eating breakfast normally. And dinner, so I didn't think it was a big deal."
"It's not in itself," Crane said, "But it can turn into one if you don't watch it."
"It makes me feel…" I started, trying to find the right words.
"It makes you feel what?" Adam said.
"Like… cleansed. When I don't eat lunch. I don't know how to explain it."
"Cleansed?" Brian asked. He looked incredulous. "What the hell does that mean?"
"Brian," Hannah said, disapprovingly.
Brian raised his eyebrows, but he didn't say anything else.
It seemed like everyone was exchanging looks.
"What?" I said.
"We think it would be a good idea if you went back to see Julia-" Crane said.
"No, no, it's okay," I said quickly, "I don't need to- we can't afford it right now, what with Starr and Destiny and-."
"You're not to worry about the money," Crane interjected. "If you need to go, we'll find the money."
"But I don't need to go!" I protested.
"Well, we think you do, Heidi," Brian said.
"They're not weekly sessions, it's more like one session every few weeks. Julia mentioned it to us on your last session," Hannah explained.
"Obviously, we'd love you to talk to us, and we're here for you anytime. But we want to make sure that you have someone to talk to outside the family. Someone with professional expertise. So that you always feel supported," Crane said.
"I think it's a good idea, Heidi," Molly said. It was the first time she'd spoken since we'd sat down.
In truth, I'd love to see Julia again. It was more that I was well aware that she wasn't cheap by any stretch of the imagination.
"Okay," I whispered. "Thanks."
No body said anything for a moment. I looked across at Adam.
"Are you going to punish me?" I asked, "For the pills I mean."
I know it seemed counter intuitive to ask about punishment, especially as it hadn't been brought up, but it was worrying me, and I felt like I'd rather just know.
"Do you think you need to be?" Adam said.
What? This was new. I'd never had that question asked of me before. Usually, punishment was handed down and I didn't have a say in it. I wasn't quite sure how to react.
"Ummm," I said, "Is this a trick question?"
Both Adam and Brian looked faintly amused, though they didn't smile or anything.
"No," Adam said, "It's not a trick. I'm askin' you if you think, hand on heart, that you understand that goin' forward, prescriptions that are not meant for you are out of bounds or if you need to experience a consequence as an incentive. You can take a moment to think about it if you want."
"No, I don't. I mean I don't need to be punished," I said, quickly. "I promise I won't do anything like that again."
What in the world was happening? I couldn't quite believe my luck.
"I hope you mean that."
"I do!"
"Because if this happens again, if I find out that you've been takin' meds that aren't meant for you, or if I find out that you've taken any drug, recreationally for example, I'll take off my belt. No excuses, no questions asked."
"And that'll be after you've had the same treatment from me," Brian said.
"Understood?" said Adam.
"Yes," I said, softly.
My face was flaming red. I would have been embarrassed usually, but having Molly there hearing my brothers' threats made it worse. I don't know why; it just did.
"Okay, well on that note, I think we're done here," Adam said.
"Unless there's anything else you want to talk about?" Hannah said.
"No, there's nothing," I said.
Adam looked over at Molly and smiled wryly.
"We've got one of the heifers that's taken' sick overnight."
"Crane mentioned it. You want me to check her out?" Molly asked.
"If you wouldn't mind."
"Of course," Molly said, getting up.
Crane and Adam got up too, and then they stood in a sort of huddle near the door with Brian and Molly there too while Molly started asking questions about the sick cow.
"You see? That wasn't so bad, was it?" Hannah said to me quietly, patting my thigh.
"No, not at all," I admitted.
Hannah eased herself up.
"Shall we go upstairs and make the call from my bedroom?"
"Now?"
"I think it's important that you do it as soon as possible. And you'll feel better afterwards too."
"I agree," Adam said, from behind me.
I hadn't known he was there, listening- I'd thought he was still talking to Brian, Crane and Molly about the sick cow.
"Okay," I said, sighing heavily.
I really didn't want to do this.
Hannah started to climb the stairs, and I made to follow her, but Adam called me back, quietly.
When I looked up at him, he cupped the side of my face with his hand, just briefly, before letting his hand fall away.
"I gotta go tend to the sick calf now, but there's some stuff I want to say to you- stuff I didn't want to say in front of everyone. I was thinkin' we could go for a walk after supper. Just me and you. You up for that?"
"Sure."
Adam ran the back of his hand down my cheek.
"Good. Try to get some rest this afternoon. You look really tired."
I want to address a comment from sparklysam75 who mentioned that in the 80s, being too drunk to consent wouldn't have been considered rape. I agree that this concept is very 21st century, and particularly pertinent to the 'me too' movement in the last few years. I absolutely agree that I'm taking liberties. But, I'm doing so because it's fanfiction and I kind of just want to because I can. The majority of people in the 80s, and even maybe now would disagree with Molly's assessment of what happened to Olivia, but I like to think of her as being a woman ahead of her time, or that's how I've chosen to characterise her anyway. I also think it's interesting to explore what the various McFadden's views on this subject will be, and- hint- there will be some friction there too. In any case, I SO appreciate the time it takes to write any feedback, reviews and comments. Thank you to those people so much x