Hannah and I went up to her and Adam's bedroom to make the call. I sat down on the bed, one leg crossed up in the lotus position and the other on the floor. Hannah sat down next to me.

"When I called earlier this week, Harry told me that Olivia and Violet have gone to San Francisco for a while, so I guess I'll need to speak him and not Violet," I said.

"Do you want me to make the call for you?" Hannah asked.

"Erm…" I said thinking for a moment. I did want her to. But I also felt like it would be cowardly of me. "I think I should do it myself."

Hannah patted my knee.

"I'll be right beside you."

My stomach felt heavy; that's where I typically always hold a lot of emotion.

"Olivia's going to hate me," I said, tears spilling over.

Hannah got up and fetched a tissue from her dresser. She handed it to me and then sat back down.

"It might take her a while to understand, but in the end, she will, even if it takes a bit of time. You're doing the right thing," she said.

"I know but I'm just scared I'm going to lose my best friend. It feels like I've lost her already."

Hannah swept a piece of my hair away from face and tucked it around my ear.

"I know, honey. Sometimes the right thing to do is also the hardest."

I took a deep breath and picked up the receiver and started dialling Olivia's number.

"Wait!" I said, midway through dialling. "What if I get the answering machine? What should I say?"

"If you get the machine you should leave a message saying that you need to speak to Harry and it's very important."

"Okay…" I said.

I hung up and then dialled Olivia's number again. It began to ring immediately. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I was sure people in the next county could hear it.

"Hello," a deep voice said suddenly.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no sound would come out.

"Hello?" the voice said again. I could tell it was Harry.

"Uh hi," I managed to squeak. It didn't sound like me at all.

"Who's that?" Harry asked.

I opened my mouth, but again nothing came out.

I felt so dizzy all of a sudden that I felt like I could faint. I looked at Hannah, panicked.

Hannah reached over and took the phone from me.

"Hello, it's Hannah McFadden here, Heidi's sister-in-law," she said smoothly.

I sat back a little to give Hannah more room, and then because I was feeling so dizzy, I lay back on the bed vertically and closed my eyes. Everything was spinning wildly.

I heard Hannah talk to Harry, but it was like I was underwater because everything seemed muffled. Hannah explained why she was calling and then very factually, and without emotion, told Harry everything that I'd told her about what happened to Olivia the night of the back to school party at the lake.

I obviously couldn't hear what Harry was saying, only Hannah's side. After she said her piece, she listened a lot and said "I know," and "Of course," quite a few times before she said "I will" and "the same to you," before she hung up.

She had barely replaced the receiver before I burst into tears and started repeating how sorry I was for not being able to make the call on my own.

I turned onto my side and curled up into the foetal position. But that made me feel even more sick, and I suddenly knew I was going to throw up again. I stumbled to the bathroom in Hannah and Adam's room, retching up everything I'd eaten that day into the toilet bowl until there was nothing left.

Hannah came and kneeled beside me as best she could with her belly. She gathered my hair away from my face and held it with one hand while I was being sick.

"It's alright, Heidi; It's alright," she said, rubbing my back with her other hand. "Take some deep breaths, okay? You're panicking."

I tried to take deep breaths, the way that Julia had taught me in our sessions, and it helped stave the eternal gagging feeling and the dizziness.

When I knew I wouldn't be sick again, I flushed the toilet and then sat back weakly, my back against the wall.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried again.

"You don't need to be sorry," Hannah said. "Come and wash your hands and then you can have a rest."

She held her hand out to me and I took it though I was able to get up now without her help. I washed my hands and swirled with some mouthwash to get rid of the bitter taste in my mouth.

Hannah washed her hands as well, and then she guided me back into the bedroom.

"Lie down on the bed," she said.

I lay down on Adam's side of the bed and even though it was hot in the room, Hannah covered me with a light blanket.

"I'm sorry, Hannah," I said again.

Hannah perched beside me.

"I've told you that you don't need to be sorry, Heidi, and I mean it," she said.

"But I made you do the call because I'm too weak to do it."

At that moment, I could not have hated myself any more than I did.

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself, and this is a very stressful thing, especially for someone you're age to be dealing with," Hannah said.

"What did Harry say?" I asked.

"Obviously, he was very disturbed to hear what I had to say, but he did say that both he and Violet suspected there was more to the story and he was grateful to finally know the truth."

"Does he hate me?"

Hannah pushed my hair back again away from my face.

"What? Oh no, of course he doesn't hate you, honey."

"I think you need to sleep; you always feel better after a rest, don't you?"

I nodded.

"Turn around and I'll rub your back," Hannah said.

"You don't have to," I said.

I already felt so bad that Hannah had had to look after me this much. She was the pregnant one- I should be looking after her!

"Shhh," Hannah said, motioning for me to turn over.

I did, so that my back was facing Hannah. She lifted my T-shirt so that she could stoke the bare skin of my back, which for me, is the ultimate comforting action.

I closed my eyes and I think was asleep within minutes.

/

Even though I'd slept well the night before, I still slept into the mid afternoon. I felt much calmer when I woke up, but also completely flat.

Hannah, Starr, Molly and Crane were downstairs in the kitchen when I came down. Molly was talking to Crane about the antibiotic regime for the sick cow. I headed straight for Starr, picking her up out of the Moses basket. She seemed perfectly happy nestled in it, but I wanted to be close to her.

"Hi honey, how you feeling?" Hannah asked.

"Better," I said.

"Oh good!" she said, "Are you hungry?"

I made a face.

"Not really."

"You ought to eat something," Crane said.

He and Molly had turned his attention to me now.

I sort of ignored him and concentrated on cooing to Starr.

"What about a sandwich?" Hannah said.

"Okay," I said.

I couldn't be bothered to argue.

"I'll make it," Crane said. "What do you want in it?"

I shrugged again.

"Anything."

"One 'anything' sandwich coming right up," Crane said, striding into the kitchen.

"We managed to get you an appointment with Julia for Monday after school," Hannah said.

"Oh okay, thanks," I said.

Starr let out a little cough and I positioned her on me so I could pat her back. Her little body was warm, and she smelled of talcum powder.

"I'm going to have to get going in a minute, Heidi," Molly said, standing up, but I'll see you at some point during the week, or next weekend at the latest, okay?"

"Oh… okay," I said.

I put Starr back into her Moses basket and then moved to give Molly a hug.

"Thank you," I said, mid embrace. "You really helped me."

Molly pulled back but held onto my arms so she could look at me.

"Don't worry. You've done really well so far. Just remember what I said, okay? About allowing your family to love you."

"I will," I said, hugging her again.

Molly started gathering up her stuff and then Crane came back into the living room with my sandwich on a plate. It was enormous- a triple decker.

"I won't be able to eat the whole thing," I said flatly as he handed it to me.

"Just eat what you can then," Crane said.

I sat down on the couch to eat. Crane walked Molly out and then Hannah asked me to watch Starr for a moment while she went to put a load of laundry on in the machine in the mudroom.

I ate on autopilot- the sandwich was cheese and pickle with tomato and lettuce- everything I like, but I didn't really taste much of it. I had eaten about half when I heard the roar of a motor and then Crane came back inside and sat down on one of the armchairs.

"I'm full," I said, putting the plate with the leftover sandwich onto the coffee table.

"Okay," Crane said easily. "Come on outside and help me for the rest of the afternoon. The fresh air will do you good."

"I've got a lot of homework to get done."

"You could do it tomorrow."

"I want to get it out the way today."

"Crane's really conscientious about schoolwork too- or he was when he was in school. It's something we have in common, so I knew he'd understand.

"Alright. I think Hannah will be in the house if you need anything, and we'll be in early for supper tonight."

"K."

Crane motioned to the plate with the sandwich on the coffee table.

"Take your plate into the kitchen and wash it up before you go upstairs."

"Okay."

Crane gave me a long look, like he was debating whether to say something else, but then he didn't because he got up and went round to the mudroom and I heard him telling Hannah he was going back outside and what time everyone would be in for supper. He left via the back door, and then Hannah came back into the living room. I told her I was going upstairs to do my homework and then took my plate into the kitchen and wrapped up the leftovers from my sandwich before washing up my plate. I poured myself a glass of juice before going up to my room.

Before the summer vacation, I'd found it almost impossible to concentrate on my schoolwork, but now, I found it a perfect distraction. It was something that could completely take my mind off how I was feeling or intrusive thoughts. I lost myself in the world of Biology and then English as I wrote the first draft of an essay that was due in for the middle of the week, and then I made mind maps for my world history class which I enjoyed because I drew little pictures here and there to help me remember things. By the time my brothers came in for supper and I was called down, I realised that I'd been sitting, working uninterrupted without a break for at least a couple of hours.

Daniel and Ford were on dish and clean up duty and since I was grounded and wouldn't be going out with them, I thought I would head back up to my room and finish my homework so I could have a completely free Sunday.

I was halfway up the stairs when I heard Adam calling my name.

I turned to look down at him- he was at standing in the archway between the kitchen and the living room.

"Let's go for that walk," he said. He looked like he was all ready to go, with his hat on and everything.

"Now?" I asked.

"Why not?"

There was really no reason not to.

"Okay," I said.

"Go get your hat; it's still hot out," Adam said.

I got confused as to where I'd left my hat but found it eventually in the mudroom. I came through to the kitchen, holding it. Adam was chatting to the boys and asked who was going to be the driver for the evening.

"I am," Evan said.

"No drinkin'," Adam said.

"Yep," Evan said.

Adam didn't give orders to Daniel, Evan or even Ford anymore because they were over 18 and considered 'adults'. Unless it was something to do with the ranch, and then he could be like a drill sergeant. But he always reminded my brothers not to drink if they were driving. I don't think he could help himself.

"I'm going to take a few things over to Molly's; I'll be back around lunchtime tomorrow," Crane said.

"Look at this guy, only showin' up in time for the food," Daniel teased.

"You can talk!" Crane said.

"Are you coming with us tonight, Bri?" Ford asked.

"I'd better stay here and look after Starr," Brian said.

He looked so dejected and I felt sorry for him.

"I don't mind looking after her when we get back," I said.

"Thanks for the offer, kiddo, but I'm really tired," he said.

He did look tired, but an unwelcome thought crossed my mind that maybe Brian didn't trust me with Starr because of how unstable I'd been acting. Most probably Hannah had filled my oldest brothers in on my freak out earlier."

"You ready?" Adam asked me.

"Yea- I found the hat," I said, holding it up to show Adam.

"Good."

He turned to Hannah.

"We won't be too long."

"Take as long as you want," Hannah said. She said something else to him and he nodded, but I couldn't hear because it seemed like she was whispering.

Adam put a hand on my back and guided my out the front door. It was still hot and bright outside and the humidity hit me as soon as I stepped outside. I put my hat on.

We started walking away from the house. Adam's much taller than me and therefore has a longer stride, but he slowed his pace so that we were walking side by side. We walked in companionable silence for a few minutes.

"Where we going?" I asked.

"I thought we'd head to the meadow just north of the south pasture. That okay with you?"

It was a good 20-minute walk.

I nodded.

"It's really pretty there, with all the flowers and everything."

"It is," Adam agreed. "It's one of my favourite places on this land. Mom used to love it there. Dad would pick flowers for her and bring them home sometimes. Or us kids would. Me, Brian and Crane I mean."

"That's nice. Maybe we can pick some and bring them home for Hannah," I said.

Adam looked pleased.

"She'd definitely appreciate that."

"Yeah."

"How was the rest of your day?" Adam asked.

"Fine," I said, except the minute I said it, I remembered what Molly had said about letting my family love me. If they were going to do that, then I'd need to be honest.

"Actually, it wasn't fine really. I freaked out this morning when I was calling Harry, and Hannah had to do it for me. And then I was sick. Didn't Hannah tell you?"

"She did," Adam said.

"I'm such a loser," I said.

"Hey!" Adam said, so sternly that I turned up my head to look at him, alarmed.

"Don't talk about yourself like that," he said. "Not only is it unhelpful, but it's untrue."

I shrugged. I was feeling very sensitive and the sharpness in Adam's tone suddenly brought tears to my eyes. I sniffed and hurriedly wiped the tears away.

Adam glanced at me. He caught my arm and we stopped walking.

"Hey- c'mere," he said, pulling me into him for a hug. My hat fell off but I left it on the ground.

"I'm sorry for snappin' at you, honey. I just don't like to hear you talk about yourself like that."

"That's how I feel though. I hate myself at the moment."

My voice came out muffled because I had pressed my face into Adam's shirt. I knew he could still hear me though because his arms around me tightened.

"It breaks my heart to hear you talk like that. Why do you feel that way, huh?" I heard Adam say.

I pulled away and rubbed my eyes though I wasn't full on crying really.

"I want to be… I want to strong. Like the rest of the family. But I seem to fall apart at everything. And I can't control it," I said.

"Mmm. That why you took Hannah's allergy pills? Because you wanted to solve the situation on your own and appear 'strong'?

"Yea."

"Alright, kiddo. You and I need to have a serious talk so we can iron some of these things out," Adam said.

He looked around, like he was thinking.

"There's a bench a little bit ahead where we can sit down."

"The one mom built for dad?"

"Yea."

Our mother had liked to walk out this way, especially when she was pregnant and Brian had told me once that our father had built a bench near here so mom could take a rest if she needed it.

"It's out the way though."

"Doesn't matter," Adam said.

Adam picked my hat up from the ground and put it back on my head. Then he put his arm around my shoulders and steered me towards the right, in the opposite direction we'd been walking. We walked for about 5 minutes before the bench came into view. We didn't talk during that time, but the silence wasn't awkward.

We sat down when we got to the bench, side by side.

"Okay," Adam said, "I'm not goin' to beat around the bush. The reason I wanted us to take this walk in the first place is because I know from Hannah that you overheard us talkin' about you on the porch."

"I wasn't trying to eavesdrop!" I said.

I knew how much Adam and Brian hated eavesdropping. I'd been punished for it quite a few times when I was younger.

"I know, I know. It's alright. But I want it make clear that I didn't mean what I said the way I sounded."

"About me being," I swallowed, to stop myself from becoming emotional again, "hard work."

Adam cleared his throat.

"Yes."

I glanced at him. His expression was one of… well I couldn't quite place it, but regret was definitely there.

"It's okay. I mean, I know I'm hard work. Especially this year. I wouldn't want to deal with me either."

"I shouldn't have said that. And I don't want you gettin' the idea that I don't like lookin' after you because that's not true. It's more that I feel frustrated sometimes; at myself, not at you because I don't know what to do for you. When you were little, I could make everythin' better for you with a hug and a kiss or by snugglin' with you on my lap. Now, sometimes I just don't know how to help you."

"I'm sorry," I said playing with the clasp on my watch.

"No, Heidi. It's my problem, not yours. The bottom line is I never want you to feel like you can't come to me, or to us in general because you're worried you'll be seen as a pest."

"I just wish I could be like the rest of you guys. You always seem to be able to handle everything that comes up without melting down like me," I said.

Adam seemed to laugh, but it was more like a laugh of disbelief, and he shook his head.

"You are strong, Heidi," Adam said, "But you're young and you're learnin' how to handle situations. Really stressful situations that anyone would find difficult no matter what age they are. And as for 'meltdowns' as you call it; just because you didn't see it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Maybe you don't remember because you were just a little kid, but Daniel and Evan both had a really hard time being your age. There were plenty of 'meltdowns'. And you won't remember of course because you were barely born or just a baby, but me and Brian had our fair share too."

"You did? You? I thought you were the perfect teen," I said, incredulous.

The only memory I had of Adam was as an adult, even though he was very young when he became our 'parent.' Even though I saw pictures on the mantlepiece of him as a child, and I'd heard the stories he or others told about him being young, I still found it difficult to picture it.

Adam laughed and poked me in the stomach.

"Yes, sassypants, me. I definitely wasn't perfect."

"What kind of stuff did you do?

"Plenty. And believe it or not, I was moody. And stubborn. And strong willed. Sound familiar?"

I smiled.

"I don't know what you mean," I said.

"But I knew I could always go to mom and dad and talk to them about anythin'. Sometimes of course, I didn't want to, but I always knew that I could if I did want to. And I want you to always feel like you can come to me or Hannah or one of the others if you need help. I'd much rather know how you're feelin' or what's goin' on with you than have to guess. Do you get what I'm sayin'?

"Yeah," I said.

"Do you truly? Because we've had this conversation before, Heidi. A few times this year as I recall."

"I know," I said, sighing. "But it's different this time. I hear you and I promise I'll try to talk to you guys more."

"We only want to support you, Heidi. That's all."

"I know," I said again. "Molly helped me see that."

"I get that it's not always easy to come to me since I'm the person who also disciplines you, so that's why I also think it's really important you see Julia too."

"Hannah said she got me an appointment for Monday," I said.

Adam nodded.

"She told me."

"At least you'll have plenty of practice with teenage girls if your and Hannah's baby's a girl. Brian's probably quaking in his boots thinking about the day Starr turns into a teenager," I said, meaning to lighten the mood.

Adam laughed.

"That's a long way off yet.

"But if your baby does turn out to be a girl, I hope neither her nor Starr will be as crazy as me."

I'd meant it as a joke, but Adam didn't smile.

"I told you not to talk about yourself like that."

He put his arm around me again and pulled me close. I rested my head on his shoulder and he kissed the top of my head.

"You're not crazy. In fact, I think you're pretty darn amazing."