Adam and I sat on the bench for a little while. We sat with his arm around me, looking out on to expanse of greenery in front of us. He asked me about school, and I told him about feeling lonely because Olivia wasn't there, and I'd distanced myself from my other friends.
"Is that why you haven't been eating in the cafeteria?" he asked me.
"Yea," I admitted. "Guthrie said I could eat with his friends though."
"So do that then."
"I have a couple of a times, but I don't know… I feel like I don't want to intrude on them."
"Heidi," Adam said, almost a little sternly, "Guthrie's your brother. He's also your friend, right?"
I nodded.
"And you've always got on with his friends even though you wouldn't say you were close."
"Yea."
"Then you're not 'intruding' as you put it. That's just foolish talk."
I took in a deep breath, almost like a sigh. Adam felt it. He squeezed me slightly.
"I can't control what you do at school, but I do want you to try and eat lunch with them. And if you really don't want to, then you still have to eat, Heidi."
"I know," I said.
"Food is fuel- how do you expect to concentrate on your afternoon classes if you don't eat lunch?"
"I know," I said again, stressing the word 'know'. I didn't want to hear another one of Adam's lectures.
Adam sensed my irritation and I guess he decided he didn't want to push it and ruin the moment because he changed the subject and asked me about my classes. Then we talked about Starr and I told him what Molly had said about worrying that the police weren't taking the murder case seriously.
"Do you think that?" I asked him.
I expected Adam to tell me not to be so silly or to give me a typically diplomatic 'Adam' answer, but he said, "I'm not sure. Brian and I are keepin' in touch with them, but there doesn't appear to be any movement on the case."
"Do they have any idea?" I said.
"They may do. They're being cagey with us, but that may be because they can't give away details of the case."
"I hope they find who did it soon."
"Me too."
"It's going to be horrible for Starr when she's old enough to understand what happened to her mom."
"It will, but she'll have all the love and support of a big family and that goes a long way," Adam said.
"Yea."
A couple of wild rabbits scampered in front of us, a little in the distance. I didn't see them at first, but Adam pointed them out to me. It made me smile- although I long for the brighter lights of the big city, I also do harbor a love of nature.
Adam patted my back gently with the arm that had been around me.
"Do you still want to walk to the meadow?"
"Only if you have time," I said.
"I do."
"I want to pick Hannah those flowers. She's been really nice to me through all of this. Like really nice. I mean Hannah's always nice, and she's always been nice, but I think I haven't been as appreciative to her recently as I should be," I said, turning to look at him.
That was a risky admission. There's no one in this world that Adam is more protective of than Hannah. But on the other hand, this wasn't anything Adam didn't know already.
"Hannah's got a big heart. She understands what you've been goin' through. But I know she'll be thankful for the flowers and the thought," Adam said.
I felt a little shaky when I said, the words sort of spilling out in a rushed tone, "Adam, do you think it's disloyal to mom to think of Hannah as a mom in some ways?"
Adam's answer was immediate.
"No, Heidi. You don't remember mom of course, but she was the most lovin' carin' person. It's one of Brian, Crane and I's biggest sadnesses that you and Guthrie don't have any memories of her and dad. She'd just want you to feel loved. And I think she'd be thrilled to know that someone else could fill that hole for you in her absence."
He smiled at me and I smiled back. I felt emotional again and tears prickled in the back of my eyes.
Adam stood up.
"Ready?"
He reached out his hand for me to take it like I was a little girl again and I put my hand in his.
/
Adam and I walked to the meadow and I picked the flowers for Hannah. I took my time considering which ones to pick in terms of color combination and size. I certainly took the whole thing too seriously, but Adam didn't hurry me. He helped me choose and then, when he'd given his opinion, he sat down against a tree at the end of the meadow to wait for me.
When I was happy with my selection we walked home. We talked a little, about Crane moving into Molly's and I asked Adam how he felt about Crane moving out.
"It will definitely be different, but ultimately, Crane will be here every day and I'm happy for him and Molly," he said.
"Me too," I said.
Although I was going to miss Crane being down the hall every night, I felt better about him going after spending some time with Molly and getting to know her.
"I hope they get married," I said. "I already told Crane."
Adam laughed.
"I'm sure he was thrilled with your input."
"She's a badass. But in a good way. Know what I mean?"
"She's certainly somethin' special," Adam said.
When we got home, my brothers who were going out had already left. Brian was laying on the couch as we came in with Starr on his chest.
Hannah was sitting on another of the couches with her feet up, reading her baby book. Adam went to sit next to her.
"How was your walk?" she asked us as we came in.
"Good," I said, going to sit next to Hannah on her other side.
She gestured to the bunch of flowers I was carrying. "Those are beautiful flowers."
"They're for you," I said, shyly, handing them to her. "For you know, just being…you. Being great."
"That is so sweet," Hannah said.
She genuinely looked moved. She sat up so her legs were off the floor and hugged me, kissing me on the cheek.
"I'm going to go and put them in water," she said.
"I can do it for you, so you don't need to get up," I said.
"No- it's okay, I want to do it myself, plus I need to stretch."
She went through to the kitchen via the mudroom where I knew she'd be looking for a jar to hold the flowers in. We do have a couple of vases, but Hannah has always said she likes flowers in jars more and she always washes them out and keeps them when she's done with them.
I moved up so I was sitting next to Adam now.
"Do you want me to take Starr from you and put her in her crib?" he asked Brian.
"No thanks, I'm too scared she'll wake up," Brian said.
Hannah poked her head through from the archway between the kitchen and living room.
"Anyone want anything from the kitchen?" she asked.
Everyone said they didn't and then Hannah came back a minute afterwards saying that she was keeping the flowers in the kitchen on the counter because she didn't trust one of the boys not to knock the jar over in the living room by messing around. She could have sat down next to Adam on his other side now- there was plenty of room, but she didn't. She sat next to me so that I was sandwiched between her and Adam. Even up a few days ago, I wouldn't have wanted to, 'intrude' on Hannah and Adam like that, but now I didn't mind. Liked it even.
Brian and Adam talked about various things and I joined in when I had something to say. The four of us found an old movie on the TV- 'Citizen Kane', which even though we had color television now, was showing in black and white. We put it on at a low volume so as not to risk waking Starr, and even though it was good movie, I fell asleep with my head on Hannah's shoulder and my legs sprawled out on Adam's lap.
/
On Sunday morning, early, the five of us: me, Guthrie, Ford, Evan and Daniel went for a ride together up into high country on our land. We asked the others if they wanted to come but Hannah was too pregnant to ride now and Adam didn't want to leave her. Crane still wasn't home from Molly's when we left, and Brian said he would stay and look after Starr. It was planned that we'd be back for lunch and grill outside on the barbeque and my three oldest brothers would take the afternoon off from any ranch chores so we could all be together.
It had been a while since the five of us 'younger kids' hung out together, just us, like we used to a lot when we were younger. I knew that Ford had been filled in on what had happened with Destiny and Starr and also me and Olivia. But he didn't bring it up to me, which I really appreciated as he could have said 'I told you so' since he had been warning me about the downward spiral Olivia was on since the start of the summer. Ford's not like that though- I knew that he wouldn't revel in being 'right'. We all sort of 'caught up' in a way with what we'd been up to since although the majority of us live in the same house, life is so busy that sometimes we didn't see Daniel or Evan much at all for days. Ford told us about how he was finding the first few weeks at college- he was enjoying it and he liked his roommate so far and his classes. Guthrie told us about the soccer team and their upcoming games. Evan told us about what it was like working with the horses at the neighboring ranch and then Daniel brought up and teased him about a girl called Freya Lopez who apparently, he had taken out a couple of times. That was news to me- I had no idea she even existed, but I found out that she was the friend of a friend of Evan's. Daniel told us about some of the gigs he was playing, one of which was going to be in LA next month! On the way back down to the ranch, I rode next to him and I asked him if I could go with him.
"I could go exploring the city during the day while you guys are practicing!" I said.
"By yourself?"
"Yea, why not?"
Daniel eyed me like I was crazy.
"No way; LA isn't safe for you to be wandering around there alone."
"Daniel, there are fifteen-year-old girls in LA too, you know, and I'm sure they go around on their own."
"Yes, but they've grown up there. They're city and street smart. You haven't."
"How will I become that way if I'm not given the chance?" I pointed out.
"You'll have time for that when you're older," Daniel said. "Besides, Adam wouldn't go for letting you come. Especially right now."
"He might if you spoke up for me!" I protested, even though I knew that was wishful thinking. I still wasn't sure Adam would let me go on a date with Josh, but since he hadn't asked me in a concrete way, I hadn't brought it up.
"He wouldn't. Plus, the venue is over 21s only, so you wouldn't be allowed in anyway."
"Oh," I said, disappointed.
Daniel glanced at me and must have recognised my disappointment because he said, "But we're playing locally next weekend and since we've played there a couple of times, I know the manager. I think I could spring getting you in."
"Really?!"
"I think so, but I'm not making any promises. I gotta call him, and you'll need to get Adam to agree."
"I think he will if he knows I'm going to be with you," I said, feeling a spring of excitement.
It was a light spot amidst all the darkness although it was tempered by the fact that Olivia and I had always said we wanted to go and watch Daniel play together and that wouldn't be happening at the moment.
/
I decided to swallow all my insecurities and eat lunch with Guthrie and his friends on Monday at school. The girls were completely ignoring me now and I acted the same way to them. It made me sick to see the way they were carrying on with the boys as though nothing had happened. Of course, they didn't know the reality of what had happened to Olivia, but it was still deeply disloyal in my opinion.
Guthrie's friends are a group of boys, some of which we've known since grade school and a few who he met last year when we started high school. I had noticed that recently, they'd been eating lunch with a small group of girls in our grade- Nicola, Jade and Josie. No one batted an eyelid when I sat down to eat with them, nor did they ask me anything about why I wasn't eating with my own friends anymore. Vanessa and Robin had always called those girls geeky behind their backs, but I didn't think so. They seemed really nice to me. I noticed that Josie in particular was very flirtatious towards Guthrie. She looked really interested in everything he had to say, laughed at all his jokes, and touched his arm a couple of times.
Guthrie and I had a Geography class together after lunch, so we walked there together.
"That girl, Josie- she likes you Guth," I said, once we were out of earshot of the others.
Guthrie looked at me, surprised.
"You think?"
"For sure."
"Nah, I don't think so."
"I know what a smitten kitten girl looks like," I said, teasingly. "Do you like her back?"
A smile spread out on Guthrie's face.
"You really think so?"
"Yes, Guthrie. How many times do I have to tell you?"
"I do think she's cute," he said.
"She is. And she's nice. You should ask her out."
"I might…," he said, looking thoughtful.
Guthrie's not shy like Ford was, and still is in a way, but nor does he have Brian or Daniel or Evan's easy swagger or confidence. He's more like Crane in that regard.
I had to stop off at my locker to pick up my textbook before class, but Guthrie went on ahead. It was subtle but I could swear there was a newfound spring in his step.
/
Crane picked me up from school to drive me to Julia's. He told me on the drive there that he was planning to move the last of his stuff to Molly's at the end of the following weekend- so on Sunday evening or thereabouts. Cynically, I wondered if he told me that on the way to Julia's in case I was very upset about it again and then could offload to Julia. I felt okay though. Sort of resigned to it in a way.
"Can I come and stay over and hang out with you and Molly?" I asked.
"Of course. Whenever you like- providing you don't have school the next day," he said.
I told him about Daniel saying that he was going to see if he could take me to his gig the following weekend.
"It's Destiny's funeral on Saturday," he reminded me.
"Oh, shoot, I forgot!" I said, remembering.
"Doesn't mean you can't go to the gig though. Destiny's funeral is during the day and the gig will be at night. And there's no requirement for you to be at Destiny's funeral anyway."
"Are you going to go?"
"Yes, to support Brian," Crane confirmed.
"I want to support him as well. And pay my respects to Destiny as Starr's mom," I said.
"We may need you go stay home and look after Starr," Crane said.
"Oh, okay. Well, I can do that too."
"Thanks, little one."
"Do you think Adam will let me go with Daniel?" I asked.
"Perhaps. He'd be worried about what could happen to you while Daniel's off rehearsing or playing. As would I."
"Crane!"
"Heidi!" Crane said, mimicking me.
"Are you ever all going to stop being so protective of me?"
"Nope!" Crane said, cheerfully.
"Wait a minute," I said, an idea forming, "You could come with us too. And Molly! It could be like a date night for you both and I'll keep out the way so you can be all romantic and everything- I promise. But that way, you'd also be there to assuage your concerns."
"Thank you for organising my Saturday night for me," Crane said, sardonically.
I hit his arm playfully.
"You love hearing Daniel play! And Molly's never seen him play live, so it's like, the perfect opportunity!"
"Mmm," Crane said, non-committedly.
Sometimes it was very difficult to tell what Crane was thinking. He didn't show it openly on his face like Brian or me.
"Will you at least think about it?" I said.
"I will," Crane said, glancing over at me and then back at the road.
When we got to Julia's house and practice, we had to wait for a short while in her waiting area and then she called me in. Crane had brought a book with him to read while he waited for me.
It hadn't been that long since I'd last been for a session and the furniture and general invitingness of the room was familiar. I settled myself on the couch that I'd always sat on in previous sessions and Julia sat in her regular chair too with her clipboard and her notes attached to it. She always wrote notes when we had our sessions.
"How are you, Heidi?" she asked me. It was how she always opened our sessions.
"I'm a bit embarrassed to be back," I said.
When I'd first started seeing her, she'd had to draw everything out of me, but now I'd got to the point where I would open up immediately.
"Why is that?"
"I thought I was 'well' again when I saw you last so I feel disappointed in myself that I'm back," I admitted.
"That's not how recovery works though, Heidi. Remember we talked about that? It's not a linear process. People sometimes spend years in and out of therapy."
I looked at her, alarmed.
"It's usually not for the same thing," she assured me. "Things come up in people's lives along the way and they want to talk to someone. Although from what I'm hearing, you're falling into your old patterns of being very hard on yourself."
I nodded and grabbed the stress ball that Julia keeps on one of the little tables by the side of the couch. Sometimes it helps to have something to do with your hands.
"Why don't you tell me a bit about what's been going on," Julia said.
I told her everything in a stream of consciousness, rambling on and on and switching from one thing to another in no particular order- from Starr and Destiny and Brian to the pills and then to Josh and to Olivia and what had happened and then back to the pills and about Adam and Hannah and Crane moving in with Molly and about Molly and about how I now felt about Hannah and then to my fears about Olivia- if she would be okay but also if she would be angry at me- and my anger at the boys and my loneliness at school and skipping lunch. I must have been talking, uninterrupted for at least 20 minutes, but Julia listened to me intently and scribbled away on her pad.
"There's a lot to unpack here," she said when I'd finished.
I nodded.
"Sorry, I guess I metaphorically vomited on you," I said.
Julia smiled.
"That's okay. It's what I'm here for. I think we should talk about Olivia and your feelings towards that since I believe that's been the trigger for falling back into unhelpful habits, but before that, I think you should know that I see real progress concerning how you're talking about Hannah. In how you're regarding her. It demonstrates a shift in the grieving process. An acceptance of the way things are, rather than the way you'd like them to be which is where you were when you first came to see me."
"Adam said that he thinks our mom wouldn't think it was disloyal to think of Hannah that way. But, I don't think I'll ever not wish I had known my mom."
"No. But perhaps now you can allow Hannah to fill that role for you. As much as she can."
"Yea."
Julia smiled again.
"I'm proud of you, Heidi."