Julia and I spent the rest of the session talking about the situation with Olivia and my anxiety surrounding that. I told her that I was scared that Olivia would be so mad at me for telling her parents what had happened that she wouldn't talk to me again and also how much I missed her at school and as my friend. I told her that I'd cut out the other girls because I didn't like the way they had thrown Olivia under the bus over this whole thing and she told me that that was brave of me. We talked about how I was struggling with not knowing what was going to happen- when Olivia would be back and what, if anything, would happen to the boys who had hurt her.
"I suppose that depends on what Olivia and her family choose to do about it," Julia said. "If they make a complaint to the police or not. And even if they do, these things are notoriously difficult to prove unfortunately."
I thought about what my brothers would have done to those boys if I had been in Olivia's situation. Despite their best efforts, Adam and Crane wouldn't be able to hold Brian, Evan and Daniel back from just about killing those guys and going to jail- I knew that much. Not that I particularly thought that violence was the best way to handle things.
We talked about coping mechanisms and about the pills and how I had made a promise to myself and to my family that I would share more and be more open with them.
"I made that promise to Adam and Brian after that big blow out before the summer- you know the one where I ran away from home. But I guess I went back to old habits," I said, squeezing the stress ball that I was still holding.
"Some patterns are difficult to break, but the first step is recognising it and putting yourself back on the right track. It seems like you may have found a new friend in Molly, as well," Julia said.
"Yes. I'm still lonely though. Not at home… but at school, I guess. Even though Guthrie's there… it's just that Olivia's been my best friend since I was 8."
Julia didn't treat me like a kid and blindly tell me that everything was going to be okay. She told me that I should take this time to concentrate on myself and doing things that I found enjoyable.
"I joined the debating club," I told her. "And when I was in middle school, I was in the drama club so I was thinking maybe I would join that again."
"That's a good idea. And how do you feel about creative writing?"
"I like writing; I've only ever done creative writing in school though. But when I was little, like 8 I think, I had a hard time controlling my emotions- it seems to be a running theme in my life," I quipped dryly.
Julia smiled.
"And anyway, after one time when I got in trouble for throwing a fit, Adam bought me a journal so I could write down what I was feeling. It helped. A lot. I did it for about 3 years."
"Why did you stop?" Julia asked.
"I don't know… I could control myself a bit more, so I stopped. And I just got out the habit, I guess."
"Perhaps because you had drama club?" Julia suggested.
"Maybe," I said. The two things had coincided. I had absolutely loved drama club- my family had been subjected to sitting through all the plays we'd performed.
"Well there's a creative writing class starting in a couple of weeks- it's once a week at your high school on a Saturday. It's actually for adults, but I don't think there's an age restriction. It might be something you could consider? Maybe it could provide another outlet for you."
"How much is it?" I asked. I knew how tight money was and I was grateful that my family had even been able to pay for this session. I knew that it meant that Adam or Brian or Crane would be picking up some sort of work elsewhere to pay for it.
"I don't think it's expensive- it's being heavily subsidised by an arts charity. That's why I mentioned it," Julia said.
She took a leaflet from her side table that just happened to be lying there and handed it to me.
"Here's the information."
"Thanks," I said, letting go of the stress ball on the couch to study the leaflet. The cost was, as she had said, surprisingly cheap, and it looked interesting. "I'll think about it."
Unfortunately, before I knew it, the session with Julia was over. I would have liked more time with her to talk about Crane moving out and I would have liked to schedule a session sooner than the following month which we agreed to. Nevertheless, I felt lighter leaving Julia's office than I had when I'd gone in.
/
Adam and I were on dish washing duty together that evening after supper. I could have sworn that I was supposed to do them with Evan when I'd first looked at the rota, but it seemed to have changed. Cynically, I thought that maybe Adam had changed it so he could have some time to talk to me in a casual manner. In the spirit of being open and honest, I told him about my session with Julia and about her suggestions for all the extra-curricular things I could do. He looked interested when I mentioned the creative writing class and brought him the leaflet to show him.
"But I understand if we don't have the money or it's too expensive or whatever," I told him.
Adam put the plate he was drying down to look at the leaflet again.
"It seems reasonable for what you get. Leave it with me- I'll talk to Crane about it, money wise."
"Talk to me about what?" Crane said. He was still sitting at the table, the only other person still in the kitchen.
"About a creative writing class Julia mentioned to me," I said, handing him the leaflet and going on to explain it.
Crane studied the leaflet like Adam had.
"I think we should be able to spring this. If it's what you want. If you sign up, you have to see it out for the semester; you can't drop it because you get bored," he said.
"I wouldn't!" I protested.
"Maybe you'd better think about it," Adam said. "You've already got a lot on with your class load." He laughed. "I remember when you were little- maybe 8 or 9- I forget- and you made a huge drama when we sent you to an enrichment class on a Saturday mornin'."
"She was 8; it was when I was in my first semester at college as I remember," Crane said.
"Well, it was taking up part of my weekend!" I said. "No little kid wants to go to school at the weekend!"
Adam crossed his arms and pouted.
"I am NOT going to school on a Saturday, Adam," he said, clearly doing an impression of me.
Crane laughed.
"Your impression of me needs work," I said, although to be fair to him, it was actually a pretty good one.
"It seems pretty accurate to me!" Crane said.
"Lord but you were stubborn. Still are," Adam said.
I knew they were just teasing me so didn't take offence.
"I learned from the best," I said pointing to them both and the announced, "But I've matured. Annnnd, speaking of maturity and being older and wiser and nearly 16-"
"You're not even close to nearly 16!" Adam said.
I ignored him and went on to tell him about how Daniel had said that he could take me to hear him play on Saturday evening locally.
"And Crane and Molly'll be there so you don't need to worry."
"Wait a minute- I haven't asked Molly yet!" Crane protested. "And doesn't Daniel need to clear it with the manager first?"
I waved a hand dismissively.
"Small details."
"They're pretty big details if you ask me," Adam said.
I huffed, impatiently. Adam could sometimes be such a killjoy about things.
"Okay, but if Daniel does say it's okay, and Molly says it's okay too, then can I go?"
Adam shrugged.
"If Crane and Molly are goin' to be there then I don't have a problem with it."
I clapped my hands together, excited.
"Yay!"
If only I'd known how unreasonable my brothers were about to become.
/
Debating club the following day after school was really fun. Mr Lodge split us into two teams again and he gave us our first big debating topic which was on the subject of animal testing. We didn't get to choose which side we'd be arguing- Mr Lodge assigned the sides. I was on the team which would argue that animal testing should be banned which I was glad about. We had to do research for Thursday's meet because Mr Lodge said that a good debate was one that would help the audience understand both sides of the issue and come to an informed decision. Not that there would be any audiences at this stage. Gracie Taylor was on my team along with 4 other kids and so we arranged to meet at the library the next day after school to work on it.
Just like last time I had left debate club, I ran into Josh again. There was a senior advisory session every Tuesday after school apparently about college relating things at the same time as debating club. He offered me a ride home again which I was only too happy to accept. I was hoping that now I wasn't grounded anymore, he'd ask me out, properly this time as he'd hinted that he would the previous week. He didn't disappoint, asking me out for Thursday evening. I said I thought it would be fine but said I needed to check at home.
"I'd prefer it to be the weekend, but I'm going to visit my dad in San Francisco this weekend," Josh said.
Hearing Josh talk about San Francisco reminded me of Olivia; she was there right now with her mom and grandparents, but I didn't bring it up.
Instead of driving me up right to the house, I asked Josh to stop a little ways from the entrance to the ranch, on the road- more because I couldn't be bothered dealing with questions from brothers who might be around and see us. I wanted Josh to kiss me, and I didn't want to do that in front of prying eyes. Josh did kiss me, and then again and again until I had to really force myself to get out the car before I found myself completely succumbing to him.
I walked the short way home in a daze, the taste of Josh on my lips. Even before I got into the house, I could hear Starr crying. Actually, I'd more describe it as screaming. Hannah was clearly harassed when I walked in through the front door and went into the kitchen which is where the noise was coming from. She was sitting on a chair, looking completely exhausted.
"Oh great, you're home," she said, a look of relief on her face.
"Yea, I heard Starr crying from outside," I said, dumping my backpack on one of the chairs.
"She's been like this all day. I think she needs a diaper change just now; I was just about to do it," Hannah said. She put her head in her hands and massaged her temples.
"I can do it, but are you alright? Have you got a headache?" I said.
Hannah was looking out of sorts- like she was close to tears; very Un-Hannah like.
She smiled wanly.
"Just a little one. I'm feeling exhausted all of a sudden," she said.
"Here, I'll take care of Starr now and supper and you can go upstairs and rest," I said loudly over Starr's screams.
"You think you can handle that?" Hannah said, doubtfully.
To put it mildly, I wasn't the world's best cook.
"It's fine; I'll deal with it," I said, confidently. "Go on."
Hannah must have been feeling really bad because she'd never usually leave a meal to be prepared by me. She filled a glass of water and went through the mudroom to get to the stairs.
I moved to pick Starr up from her carrier on the table.
"What you screaming about, huh?" I said softly to her once I had her in my arms. I took her next door to the corner where we had all the stuff to change her. There were more and more things accumulating every day. I knew Brian would be glad to get into a room of his own with her once Crane was gone.
Starr yelled at the top of her lungs all through me changing her and I had to admit, it was giving me a headache too. She did quiet down though, once I picked her up again and rocked her again and spoke soothingly. But when I tried to put her down to prepare supper, she'd start hollering again and only quieten when I picked her up. After a couple of times, I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to be able to put her down. And that made it impossible to prepare supper. Looking after a baby was no joke!
Since it was apparent that I wasn't going to be able to get supper ready and look after Starr at the same time, I thought I'd better go and see if there were any brothers about to help. Preferably one who could cook. Since it was still warm outside, I carried Starr with me, just as she was, without a little sweater or blanket, out of the house and down towards the barn. In the distance, I could see a couple of figures- if I wasn't mistaken, it looked like Crane and Guthrie. I waved with my free arm, frantically, hoping that when they looked my way I'd get their attention. It took a few minutes, but I did. and the two figures started galloping towards me full speed.
My assessment of who had been was right. Crane reached me first and pulled his horse up beside me, followed closely by Guthrie.
"What's the matter?" Crane said, immediately.
"It's nothing major," I said, "It's just that Hannah's not feeling well and so I said I'd take care of Starr and make supper but she won't let me put her down so I can't make food."
"What's the matter with Hannah?" Guthrie asked, looking worried. Out of everyone, I'd say he was as protective over Hannah as Adam.
"She said she had a headache and felt exhausted. She looked like she might cry," I said.
"I'm going in to see her," Guthrie said, dismounting his horse.
"No, Guth, you go and find Adam and I'll come inside and make supper," Crane said.
"Okay," Guthrie said.
"I don't think she's feeling terrible or anything," I said.
"Adam will still want to know," Crane said.
Guthrie climbed back on his horse and galloped away.
"I'll be in a minute," Crane said, turning his horse to ride towards the pasture where the horses usually chilled out.
I took Starr back inside the house and sat with her in the living room, just chatting nonsense to her. My arms were getting tired. She was definitely heavier than when she'd arrived a few weeks back. Soon, I heard the back door slam and then bootsteps. I went into the kitchen to see Crane.
I pointed to the peeled vegetables.
"I don't know what Hannah was planning to make," I said.
"Doesn't matter, I'll whip something up," Crane said.
I tested putting Starr down again in her basket, but she wailed again and then wouldn't stop even though I picked her up. I rocked her and put her in different positions and spoke and sang to her, but she still would not hush.
"I don't know why she keeps crying!" I said, feeling frustrated.
"She's most probably hungry. Make her up a bottle," Crane said, calmly.
"I've never done it before," I admitted.
"It's not rocket science, I'll direct you," Crane said with a smile. "Since she's crying anyway, put her down while you do it."
I put Starr back in her basket and did what Crane told me to make up the bottle for Starr all while he boiled the potatoes.
"I feel like mashed potatoes," he said while I cooled the bottle of formula by running it under cold water.
"Funny, you don't look like them," I said, holding my stomach in a 'har de har' pose.
Crane groaned at the lameness of my joke. He told me how to test the temperature of the milk on the inside of my wrist and when I felt like it was ready, I picked Starr up again and placed the teat of the bottle in her mouth. She immediately started guzzling the milk.
I sat down in one of the chairs to feed her. The relative silence was golden.
"Silence has never sounded so good," I said.
Crane smiled. He crossed to the refrigerator and pulled out some tomatoes.
"Did I cry this much as a baby?" I asked.
"Uh… I can't remember too well. I don't remember you being a particularly difficult baby. Not like Ford- he was the hardest."
"Ford?" I said, incredulous. "But he's so chilled!"
"He had colic really badly for the first six months. I only remember because he drove us all mad."
"Does Starr cry as much as he did?"
"No; as I recall Ford cried continuously it seemed like. Starr cries when she's unhappy about something- like all babies."
The back door slammed and then Adam appeared at the arch to the kitchen from the mudroom.
"Hannah upstairs?" he asked.
"Yea; she's not feeling well," I said.
"Guthrie told me," Adam said, already on his way towards the stairs.
When I was sure that Adam had gone into his and Hannah's room, I said, "Crane, what's going to happen when Hannah has the baby? I mean, how will she look after her own baby and also Starr during the day when you guys are out on the ranch and me and Guth are in school?"
Part of me thought it was a bit unfair on Hannah to have to look after Starr during the day. I mean- she was Brian's child. Not that she'd complain; I knew she was growing to love Starr deeply. And I wasn't exactly one to talk– my brothers had looked after me almost my entire life and I wasn't their child either!
"I think that we're going to have to make some adjustments around here," Crane said.
Starr pulled away from the bottle and I shifted her slightly and then put the teat back in her mouth.
"Like what?" I asked.
"Like one of us, Brian mostly I think or Adam, is going to have to be closer to the house a lot more to help out. Especially at the beginning. And then when Starr gets old enough, I'm sure Brian'll have her outside with him as much as possible. But that's a long way off."
"How old is old enough?"
"Two… three maybe, although with constant supervision of course. Adam had you and Guthrie outside with him all the time at the start, when mom and dad first died."
"I don't remember," I said.
My earliest memories were probably around 3 and that was a push.
"Did I like it?"
"I guess so. Ask Adam- he'd be able to tell you."
In one of my sessions before the summer, Julia had asked me how much I knew about my time as a baby or a toddler and I'd said I couldn't remember of course, but also didn't know that much because- well – I'd never asked. We'd talked about me asking but I always felt weird about bringing up that time because it was so difficult and painful for my brothers who did remember the immediate brutal aftermath of the accident to talk about that time.
I hard Adam's footsteps on the stairs again, and then he came into the kitchen through the living room this time.
"Is Hannah okay?" I asked.
"Yea," Adam said, heading for the coffee pot. "She's just beat. Early night I think."
He smiled tiredly at us.
"Thanks for takin' over with Starr and supper."
"Sure… no problem."
I thought Adam was going to pour himself another cup of coffee, but he thought better of it.
"I'm goin' to finish up outside before supper," he said.
"Hey, Adam, can I talk to you after supper about something?"
Since my date with Josh was only a couple of evenings away, I thought it would be better not to wait until the last minute for permission.
"Uh… sure," Adam said. He looked both surprised and pleased. Probably because I was asking to talk to him without being forced.
Hannah came downstairs for supper, but she was still pale, and she went straight back upstairs to bed after supper and Adam and Brian did the dishes. Starr had chilled out after she had eaten and was winded and had fallen asleep in her basket.
That was when I made a mistake. I mentioned going out with Josh to Adam and Brian when they were doing the dishes and it was just the three of us left in the kitchen. Breezily- and without Hannah there for back up. It was because I was feeling good about where Adam and I stood. We'd been for a walk, we'd ironed things out, I'd promised to talk to him and I meant it, and so I was over confident that asking to go out with Josh was just a formality.
"No," Brian said, shortly, the moment I'd stopped talking. He didn't even turn around to look at me from his place, washing dishes at the sink.
"What?" I said, startled by the vehemence of Brian's answer.
"No. You're not goin'."
"But Thursday's the only day he can take me this week, Brian, because he's going out of town this weekend."
"Thursday's got nothin' to do with it; you're not goin' out with him, period."
"But… but why not?" I spluttered.
"Because he's too old for you. Among other things," Brian said.
He turned the tap off and turned around to face me, the plate he had been washing still in his hand. Adam turned around too, still holding the dishtowel. He looked serious, thoughtful even, but he didn't say anything over Brian.
"But I've been out with him before!"
Already I could feel the frustration rising up in my belly.
"Things are different now."
"What things?!"
"You know what things, Heidi. He's that kid, Frankie's cousin, one of the kids who hurt Olivia. I'm surprised you even want to go out with him in the first place again."
"Josh is nothing like Frankie, Brian. He's a really nice guy."
"You don't know anythin' about him, Heidi."
"Yes, I do! I know he's nothing like Frankie! That's so unfair to just tar him with the same brush!"
"I don't care. We're not takin' any risks with you," Brian said, placing the plate he was holding next to him on the counter. He crossed his arms and leaned back against the sink.
It was on the tip of my tongue to ask Brian if it would be fair to judge any of our other brothers by Brian's past mistakes, but I stopped myself in time. It wouldn't help my cause. Instead, I turned to Adam.
"Adam! Please can I go? Please? It's only another date- it's not serious!"
Before Adam could even open his mouth, Brian shot out, "Why are you askin' Adam? Didn't you hear what I just said? Or is my word not good enough for you?"
His eyes had narrowed dangerously.
"That's not what Heidi meant Bri, is it, Heidi?" Adam said, calmly.
"No..." I said, "It's just… I really really like him. More than anyone I've ever met before."
Adam put the dishtowel he had been holding on the counter on his side and came and sat at the table next to me.
"Look, kiddo, I know you like this guy, but I happen to agree with Brian on this one."
"But-"
"For me, it's not about Josh being Frankie's cousin, but it's more about his age. He's too old for you."
"That's ridiculous!" I argued, my voice rising, "He's only two years older than me!"
I couldn't believe how unreasonable my brothers were being about this. I think they could see how upset I was though because neither of them told me to watch my tone.
"Sophomore and senior is a big difference at this age, Heidi. There are different expectations."
"You let me before though!" I said. I could hear the whine in my own voice.
Brian hmphed.
"And I wish we hadn't," Adam said. "If you want to date someone your own age, that's another story."
"There's no one else my own age I like!" I shrieked.
I'm surprised it didn't wake Starr or bring anyone else through to the kitchen to see what the drama was.
"Heidi Mae-" Brian began but Adam interrupted him by turning around and saying "Bri" with a short shake of his head.
Brian subsided although he was still glaring at me. Unexpectedly, instead of telling me off, Adam took my hand.
"I know you're disappointed, honey, but that's where we stand."
I pulled my hand away and stood up. I knew better than to continue to argue but that didn't mean I was going to just accept their decree with a smile.
"You're ruining my life!" I announced.
Sure, it was dramatic but that's how I felt.
I was about to stomp out the kitchen to express my extreme displeasure when Adam said, "Do not disobey us on this, Heidi. No sneakin' around. I mean it."
Oh dear; I fell off the writing wagon. Back on now.