I spent the whole evening trying to think of a way that I could go out on a date with Josh without my brothers knowing. But no matter which way I thought about it, I just couldn't work out a way that my brothers wouldn't evetually find out. And I knew that if I were to go to Hannah now, after they had laid down the law, both Adam and Brian would be furious. It was one thing to have her stick up for me before they'd made up their minds, but I knew from past experience that it was quite another to ask her to try to change their minds. 'Manipulative' is what Adam had called it the last and only time I'd done it. Could I sneak around to see him… yes. And I could probably get away with it a couple of times too. But, if they were to find out… it didn't bear thinking about it.

I was so irritated with them both. No, not irritated. Downright angry. I hated feeling this way, especially since Adam, Hannah and I had reached a new understanding recently. But it would be like this until I was 18: I was sure of it. And I knew that come hell or high water, I had to go away for college. My dream had always been to get into UCLA but now I wanted to go further away. Far away where I could do exactly as I pleased without dictates and prying eyes. I'd miss my family, especially Starr and Adam and Hannah's baby. Of course I would. But I felt painfully stifled living here, in the middle of nowhere, where everyone in the family knew my business and everyone in the town knew everyone else's business.

It was with a heavy heart the next morning at school that I had to tell Josh I couldn't go out with him the following evening.

I ran into him in the senior corridor by his locker. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say that I went looking for him hoping I'd run into him. It was still early, so thankfully no one else who would be interested was around to hear our conversation.

"It's not that I don't want to… I really do. But my brothers are against the idea," I told him.

"Oh," Josh said. He looked hurt. "Didn't they like me when we met that time I took you out?"

"It's not that they don't like you; they do," I said hurriedly, although I remembered that Brian had thought he was too cocky for his liking, "But they think you're too old for me."

"But we've been out before!" Josh said.

"I know," I said, rolling my eyes. "It's dumb. They're just really overprotective."

"No kidding."

A flash of anger jolted through me at Adam and Brian for their stubbornness.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Maybe I could talk to them and reassure them I'm a nice guy," Josh said.

He really did look upset and I won't lie; it was a boost to my ego that he seemed to care this much. Still I could just imagine my brothers' reactions if Josh called or rocked up to the house trying to change their minds.

"No. Please don't. It won't work, it's not… it's… they won't like that."

"Okay. Well, I guess see you around then," Josh said.

He didn't say it in a mean way, but I guess there wasn't anything else to say.

"Yea… bye," I whispered. I knew I was close to tears and I didn't want him to see me like that, so I hurried away, my head down.

I headed straight to Mr Roberts office. Mr Roberts is the academic counsellor and seeing him was the main reason I'd come to school so early. He's been at the school forever- well at least since Crane was there; I don't think he'd been there in Adam and Brian's time.

I wanted to speak to him before homeroom and then the day's classes began. He's not had much to do with us sophomores yet; his time is usually filled with meeting juniors and seniors, but he had a reputation as being super approachable so I knew he wouldn't turn me away.

Mr Roberts looked surprised to see me there, probably because it was early and I'd never been to see him before. I told him my name and a look of recognition passed over his face.

"You're one of the last McFaddens aren't you?" he said.

I told him I was and then he told me to take a seat and asked after my brothers, especially Crane. Crane had that effect on people. The librarian both at school and also in Murphys ask about him frequently.

"He must have finished college by now, right?"

"Yes, sir," I said.

"And how are the others getting on? Daniel wasn't it? And then Evan and Ford? Ford went UC Davis, right? Same as Crane?"

"That's right; he's getting on fine. He likes it a lot. And Daniel and Evan are doing well too," I said.

I was surprised he even remembered Daniel and Evan. Daniel had done okay at school, but he wasn't interested in anything non music related, and Evan was the least academic one out of all of us. It had been a struggle for my oldest brothers to keep him at school until the end, never mind going to college.

"Good, good. Well Ms McFadden, what can I do for you so early on this Wednesday morning?"

"I want to go to college out of state. Far away," I said, bluntly. "And I want to go to a good one. A really good one, so I'll need to know how to get a scholarship."

"Well, you've come to the right place then," he said, smiling broadly.

It was nice to have someone be so friendly and helpful first thing in the morning. My Roberts asked me about my academic record and about what AP and Honors classes I was taking. We also talked about my extra-curricular activities. He gave me some good tips about classes I could consider taking in the spring semester, providing I did well in my classes now. The most helpful thing he told me about though, was all the scholarship funds that existed.

"They're competitive though; you'll need to bring you're A game," he warned me.

"I don't care. I'm ready," I said, confidently.

"You know," Mr Roberts said, slowly. "If you're really serious about this, and I mean very serious indeed, there's a school a couple of hours from here for bright students. It's private, meaning it's expensive, and it's highly academically competitive so you'd have to get a scholarship, but they have a 100% success rate of students going to Ivy League schools across the country. If it's something you're interested in, I could get you more information? We've had a couple of students here attend it during my time."

"I'd never be able to get there and back every day though," I said.

"It's a boarding school, Heidi."

"Oh. Right," I said.

"Do you think it's something you might be interested in?"

"Um," I said, thinking hard, "I'm not sure to be honest."

"You can always come back for more information if you decide you're interested," Mr Roberts said.

It was hard to concentrate for the rest of the day after that. I felt overwhelmed a bit. I'd come in expecting Mr Roberts to talk about some extra classes and here he was talking about applying to a boarding school. But I couldn't say I wasn't intrigued, even just a little. The whole thing sounded kind of exciting. I'd grown up reading about English boarding schools in Enid Blyton books. Would it be something like that? And was there any reason not to apply? I couldn't date Josh and Olivia was still absent so I had no real friends at school, apart from Guthrie, and he was family. Even when Olivia did come back, she wouldn't be the same. But when she came back, she'd need me there to support her, I reasoned. And the babies… I wanted to be around for Starr and also for when Adam and Hannah's baby was born. Then again, I'd see them in vacations if I did go. The way I was thinking, it was already a done deal that I'd applied and gotten the scholarship to go when in reality getting in would be highly competitive. I scolded myself to get a grip.

/

Guthrie and I rarely got home together these days. Either he had soccer practice or I had debate club or we both had something keeping us from heading home together. So I was on my own that day when I arrived home. Usually I might see one of my brothers out in the yard or working near the barn or in one of the pastures or in the distance on horseback, but today there was no sign of anybody. But Hannah was in the living room with Starr, who was on her belly on the baby mat having what I'd heard referred to before as 'tummy time'. Seemingly, Hannah had recovered from her episode of exhaustion the day before. Except when I said greeted her and she asked me about my day, I could tell something was wrong. You can always tell when Hannah's upset or when she has something on her mind because her eyes turn sort of dull and lose their spark. You'd have to know her to fully understand.

"What's the matter?" I said immediately. I sat down on the floor next to Starr and bent over to kiss her downy head.

"Oh, nothing, sweetie," Hannah said.

"There is too; I know there is," I insisted, "are you okay? Is it the baby? Or has something happened again with Starr and the social worker?"

Immediately my mind went to the worst-case scenario: that we'd been told Starr couldn't live with us.

"No, no, it's nothing like that," Hannah said. She was finding it difficult to meet my eye.

"Then what?" I demanded.

Hannah sighed.

"Come sit by me here," she said, patting the spot next to her on the couch.

I felt rising panic as I moved to sit next to her.

"What is it? Just tell me straight."

Hannah met my eyes now.

"The police liaison officer was here earlier this afternoon. He came to give us the news that they've arrested and charged someone with the Destiny's murder," Hannah said, quietly.

Woah. That was unexpected. But also, in my opinion, great news.

"But isn't that a good thing?" I asked.

"It is, of course it, because it means justice will get done. But, Heidi, they also told us something…well… upsetting."

"What?"

Starr made gurgling noises from her position on the mat and we both looked over at her.

Hannah smiled sadly at her and then focused her attention back on me.

"It seems that Destiny was working as a prostitute before her death. The police think she was killed by one of her…customers. They believe what happened is that she robbed one of them and they retaliated."

"Oh…," I said, shocked. What Hannah had told me was a lot to comprehend.

"But… but… why?"

"I don't know, honey. I think most likely for the money."

"But what did she do with Starr, while she… you know?"

"I don't know."

"If she needed money, why didn't she just come to Brian?" I said.

"I don't know," Hannah said again.

A horrifying thought occurred to me.

"Hannah, you don't think that Brian paid her when he slept with her, do you?"

"No. Most definitely not. He was just as shocked as the rest of us to hear what the police said."

She looked at me reproachfully.

"You should know Brian better than that, Heidi," she scolded lightly.

"I know, I do," I said quickly, feeling immediately guilty. "I was just checking because of what you said. Do you think that's why Destiny dropped Starr off with us? Because she knew that she couldn't keep Starr when she was doing that?"

"Perhaps. It's a theory," Hannah said.

"Poor Destiny," I said.

I didn't judge her. I just felt bad. You'd have to be pretty desperate to do something like that.

I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes. Hannah rubbed my arm.

"Adam told me that you're put out because he and Brian said you couldn't date Josh, and I understand that. But please, whatever you do, don't cop an attitude tonight, okay? Your brothers have enough to deal with, especially Brian."

"I'm not a little kid, Hannah; I understand that this is more important than not being allowed to date who I want," I said. I was a bit offended. Did Hannah think I was that selfish?

"I know," she said soothingly, "But I also know how much you like Josh."

Unexpectedly tears arose.

"I really do," I said shakily, trying not to let the tears fall.

Hannah looked at me sympathetically.

"I shouldn't have asked them without you being there," I continued.

"I don't think I could have made much of a difference; they both seem adamant," Hannah said. She patted my hand. "There'll be other guys that you like, Heidi. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I promise it's true."

I smiled shakily.

"I know. It's just…"

"I know," Hannah said softly. "You don't need to explain."

/

Supper was the most awkward it had been in a long time. Every one of us was there apart from Ford who had gone back to college. Even Crane had stayed for dinner instead of heading straight to Molly's. But there was a solemn mood that engulfed all of us because of the news the police had brought that afternoon. I knew I was lucky to have a family who sat around the table for meals and talked to each other, but that night, I could definitely see the benefit of TV dinners.

Adam and Hannah did their best to keep a normal conversation going asking all of us about our days, but it was like we all felt scared, or that it would be inappropriate to laugh.

Daniel brought up his gig on Saturday and asked Evan and Guthrie if they wanted to come too.

"Crane's coming too, and Molly, right?" I asked, looking at Crane.

"Uh huh," Crane said.

"Yea, why not," said Guthrie easily. I felt pleased; it would be fun to hang out with Guthrie, Molly and Crane. They were easy people to be around.

"I've got a date on Saturday night," Evan said.

"Brian, you could go too if you wanted; Adam and I could look after Starr for you," Hannah said.

"It's Destiny's funeral on Saturday," Brian said flatly without looking at Hannah. He hadn't taken part in any conversation so far.

"I know that, but if you wanted to go afterwards…," Hannah said.

Brian met Hannah's eye.

"It's hardly appropriate to go out after I've just buried the murdered mother of my child," he said.

There was no mistaking the hostility in his voice. I didn't blame Brian for his moodiness. The two of us are similar in that the more tired, stressed or upset we are, the harder we find it to maintain civility. But while Brian can be ornery with all of us, it had been a long long time since he'd treated Hannah like not. Not since the first year of Adam and Hannah's marriage which Brian had a little trouble accepting. I think he felt usurped or something.

"Brian-" Adam began.

"I didn't mean to offend you," Hannah said cutting in.

Brian sighed heavily and pushed his plate away.

"I know," he said, "It's not you. Ignore me okay? He pushed his chair back and stood up. "I just need some time on my own," he said.

He grabbed the can of beer he'd been drinking from the table and disappeared out the back way.

"Go after him, Adam," Hannah said.

"You heard him, honey, he needs some time on his own," Adam said.

"But he's hurting," Hannah said, rubbing her belly absently.

"None of us can change that," Crane pointed out.

"I'll talk to him later," Adam said.

I knew he was saying that to placate Hannah. It was a common thread with them where Brian was concerned. Hannah would tell Adam to go after Brian when he was upset and Adam would tell her patiently that he knew what Brian needed.

"What a rough couple of months it's been," Hannah said.

"I hope we've seen the worst of it," Crane said."

"Let's just take day at a time," Adam said.

/

I'd accepted that I wasn't going to date Josh. Was okay about it- no, but I had accepted it. So imagine my surprise, when, at an extra meeting of debate club the following day after school, I walked into the classroom where we met and saw Josh sitting at one of the tables.

I was one of the earlier ones to arrive. Mr Lodge, the teacher who ran debate club hadn't even come in yet.

"Uh, hi?" I said, going to sit down next to him.

He gave a huge grin.

"Hey!"

"You know this is debate club, right?" I asked him.

"Of course. I like debating. In fact, I like debating so much that I joined debate club."

I stared at him.

"You joined the club? Joined it to come every session? Every week?"

"Yep," said Josh, still grinning.

The others in debate club started trickling in now, one by one so I didn't think I could ask Josh more questions, but I was way distracted the whole way through the session.

Josh turned out to be an excellent debater: smart, logical, articulate, so it was possible that he had joined the club because he liked it. Plus, with senior year and applying to colleges, it would look good on his application. But I couldn't help thinking that maybe, just maybe he had joined to be able to be close to me. If my brothers hadn't said no, we would have gone out on a date tonight. It was too much of a coincidence, wasn't it…?