So… you know when you become obsessed with a boy? When you literally cannot stop thinking about them or when you fantasise about them all the time or when your mind goes into over drive and you suddenly start thinking you want to marry this person and write your name with his last name all over everything? Well, after Josh surprised me at debate club, that's what happened to me. I don't know why that was the turning point, all I know is that he is ALL I could think about. To the point where I found it really hard to think about anything else which was problematic as there was a lot going on at home. Or maybe it was an escape from what was happening at home… who knows.
Is this what love felt like? If so, then I was convinced I was in love with Josh. And love can make you act in reckless ways. Suddenly my brothers' decree that I couldn't date Josh became unimportant to me. I knew I wouldn't get away with doing it openly, but I knew I would do whatever it took to spend time with him, just to be near him. And if my brothers' found out? I'd be careful, I told myself. And worst-case scenario if they did find out, I would take the consequences and be damned. Josh was worth it.
/
On Saturday, the day of Destiny's funeral, it was decided that I would stay at home and look after Starr. Crane had mentioned this to me the previous week, so it wasn't a surprise and to be honest, I didn't mind. Especially as I knew I had Daniel's concert to look forward to that evening. Brian went, of course, and so did Adam, Hannah and Crane, probably for moral support for Brian. They had been the ones to arrange it after all, since it seemed like there was no one else. They all came downstairs at around the same time, dressed in black. Starr was on her tummy on the mat in the living room and I was sitting down on the floor, encouraging her every time she did a sort of push up. She was getting really good at it.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay here on your own?" Hannah said to me as the others were milling around, grabbing their hats – that kind of thing.
"I'm not on my own- Evan and Guthrie are around," I said, still fixated on Starr. "Look! She's getting really strong!"
"She's changing every day it seems," Hannah said smiling, before her face clouded over again. "And don't try to change the subject; I know Evan and Guthrie will be here, but they'll be out on the ranch. Do you really feel confident enough to look after Starr all these hours on your own?"
"She'll be fine, honey," Adam said, coming up behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders, kneading them lightly, "I used to look after the kids all the time on my own at her age when mom and dad went out."
"You had plenty of experience though," Hannah pointed out.
"And this is Heidi's chance," Adam said. He smiled at me and I smiled back.
It actually felt really nice that Adam and Brian too were trusting me to look after Starr on my own. I knew they wouldn't leave me here with her alone if they didn't think I was up to it.
"Where's the funeral being held?" I said, looking up at Adam.
"At Cedar Falls Cemetery."
"Is it nice there?"
I still wasn't sure what my beliefs were on an afterlife, but it was important to me that Destiny's final resting place was a nice one. She was Starr's mother, and one day, maybe Starr would want to go there and visit her. So it mattered.
"It is," Adam said. His eyes met mine and I knew he understood what I was I was thinking.
Crane said then that they all needed to get a move on otherwise they'd be late.
Brian headed for the door, and he was halfway out it when Adam said, "Bri, aren't you goin' to say bye to Starr and Heidi?"
"Oh. Yeah," Brian said.
He turned around but he looked like he was in a daze of sorts. He came to where Starr and I were on the floor and kneeled down to kiss the top of Starr's head and then to me he said softly, "Thanks for watchin' her."
"It's no problem," I said, "I hope it goes well… you know what I mean."
Brian nodded and then then the troop left quickly in the jeep.
"You and me are going to have fun!" I said to Starr confidently.
I was determined to prove myself. Afterall, as Adam said, my brothers had looked after all of us when they were young.
And have fun we did. Evan and Guthrie remained outside, and I played with Starr a little longer on her tummy. We then played infinite games of Peekaboo which never failed to amuse her. I made her bottle and fed and winded her, changed her diaper and then put her down to sleep. She barely even cried! I even had time to do some of my homework downstairs while she was sleeping. So I was feeling proud of myself when, a couple of hours later, my brothers and Hannah arrived home just as Starr was waking up. I was sitting on the couch, holding her, when they traipsed in.
"Hey," I said.
Everyone greeted me with various degrees of enthusiasm. Crane passed behind me on the couch and ran a hand over my hair before heading through to the kitchen. Adam and Hannah looked tired but generally okay. They came and sat down opposite me on the couch. Brian looked, well, terrible. He looked the worst he had since all this stuff with Starr had started. He was very pale, and his eyes were bloodshot, but not like he'd been crying… more like he hadn't sleep in a week. He headed straight over to the liquor cabinet and pulled out a bottle of whisky. The liquor cabinet in our house remains largely untouched because my brothers are predominantly beer drinkers. They really only touch anything heavier at Christmas and even then, it's only a taste. Both Adam and Brian have told us in the past that it was a tradition that they would drink whisky with our father on special occasions.
"What you doin', Bri?" Adam said.
Brian poured took one of the whisky glasses from the cabinet and poured himself what seemed like a generous cup.
"What does it look like I'm doin'?" he said. He knocked the whisky back in one large gulp and then poured himself another one.
I looked at Adam and Hannah in alarm. Adam stood up and went to and stood next to Brian.
"Is that wise right now?" he said.
Brian threw the contents of the glass back once more.
"Yep."
He looked at Adam as though daring to challenge him. Adam held his gaze and didn't say anything. I could feel my heart beating wildly. I'd never seen Brian like this before, at least not at home.
Brian took one more swig straight from the bottle, all the while keeping his eyes on Adam and then replaced it. Then he sauntered off through the mudroom and we heard the back door slam shut.
There was a moment of silence and then Hannah said, "You should have taken the bottle from him, Adam."
"He's a grown man, honey," Adam said.
But he did look bothered- I could see it in his eyes.
"He didn't even say hi to Starr," I said softly.
"He just needs some time," Adam said.
"You keeping saying that but it's not working!" Hannah said.
Her cheeks were flushing pink- a sure sign in Hannah that she's irate.
"Now don't go getting all upset," Adam said.
Hannah's eyes widened in irritation.
"You know I hate when you say that to me," she said, heaving herself up, holding her belly.
I didn't blame her. I also hated when my brothers or anybody told me not to get upset.
"I'm just tryin' to look after you, honey," Adam protested.
"I know exactly what you meant by that and I don't like it Adam McFadden," Hannah said, her voice raised. She turned on her heel and marched up the stairs as speedily as she could in her condition.
Both Adam and I winced at the door slamming and Starr started to cry. It brought Crane back through to the living room from the kitchen.
"Did I just hear a door slamming? What's going on?" Crane said loudly over the sound of Starr crying.
"Nothin," Adam said darkly at the exact same time that I said, "Brian drank half a bottle of whisky and Hannah's mad at Adam."
Adam glared at me. I shrugged.
"She is!"
"Brian drank half a bottle of whisky?" Crane asked. He looked confused.
"Heidi's exaggerating," Adam said.
"Well he drank three glasses," I said, rocking Starr to try to make her quiet, "And Hannah's mad at Adam because she wanted him to take the bottle away from him and he told her not to get upset."
"Where's Brian now?" Crane asked.
"He went out the back door," Adam said, "I'm goin' to go find him. Check he's alright. Or not it as it seems."
"I'll go; you go and sweeten Hannah," Crane said.
"You sure?"
"Yea."
"Thanks," Adam said gratefully. He headed upstairs at the same time that Crane went out the front way. Neither of them a backward glance as they left me there with a still crying Starr.
/
Luckily, Adam wasn't upstairs too long and when he came down, he relieved me of Starr.
"Is she okay?" I asked him as I handed Starr off.
"Yeah; she's decided to take a nap."
"I can look after her for longer," I offered.
"That's okay, kiddo; you've already done your bit for today," Adam said, bouncing Starr a little, who had started to grizzle.
"How was the funeral?" I asked him.
Adam blew air out in a heavy sigh.
"It was alright. As nice as a funeral can be expected I suppose."
"Was there anyone else, other than you guys there?"
"A couple of people Destiny worked with, I think."
"Oh," I said. I wondered who these people were. If they were people that had worked with Destiny in her most current job or before. But I didn't want to ask Adam because I didn't know how he'd react to that. In his head I think he thinks I'm still 10 years old.
Instead I said, "Is Brian okay?"
"He'll be alright," Adam said confidently.
"It's only because with the whisky he-"
"He'll be okay, Heidi." He shifted Starr so that she was looking over his shoulder. "You don't need to worry about him."
"Okay…" I said. I wanted to push it, but I could tell Adam wanted to shut me down on this subject.
"What you goin' to do the rest of the day?" he said instead.
"Just finish my homework I guess," I said, "And get ready for tonight."
Adam smiled at me.
"You lookin' forward?"
"I really am," I admitted. "Just to get to do something fun, you know?"
Adam nodded.
"I really miss Olivia," I said, suddenly.
Adam looked surprised, not at the fact that I missed Olivia, but that I had openly shared information with him without being forced. I was a little surprised at myself too. It has just come out. Adam recovered very quickly though.
"Oh yeah?" he said, sitting down on the couch with Starr held up against him.
I sat back down next to him.
"Yeah. Because she's not there, and I don't know when she's coming back."
Adam rubbed his hand up and down Starr's back.
"And you're still not talkin' to your other… friends?' he said carefully.
"No. I've cut them out now," I admitted.
"Well…" Adam said slowly, "I can't say that I'm sorry to hear that."
Starr whined and Adam shifted her so that she was sitting on his lap facing me now. I grabbed one of her little hands, hoping that gripping my finger would keep her entertained.
"I just didn't think they were the best influence over you," Adam continued, "But I am sorry about Olivia. I know how much she means to you."
"When do you think she'll come back?" I asked him.
"I don't know, kiddo."
"Do you…" I swallowed, "Do you think she might not come back?"
As I said it, I felt a cold lump of fear in the pit of my stomach.
"I don't know," Adam said quietly.
"I don't know what I'll do if she doesn't," I said, feeling tearful all of a sudden.
I had wanted Adam to reassure me and tell me that of course Olivia was going to come back and that everything would be okay. Like he had done moments earlier when we had been talking about Brian. But I knew he couldn't promise me that.
"One day a time, honey. That's how this family has always gotten through hard times."
/
Once I'd done my homework, I spent the rest of the afternoon getting ready. I mean it doesn't take me that long to get ready, but I washed and teased my hair, experimented with makeup, tried on about 15 different combinations of clothes and gave myself a manicure and pedicure. It would have been more fun to have somebody to do it with- Olivia would have been my first choice, but Hannah and Molly would also have been fun. Still, it was relaxing and something I didn't get to do very often so I really enjoyed it. Molly came over to the house and the family had supper together before the group that was going to Daniel's gig headed out. Except Brian. He was noticeably absent. Hannah didn't say anything about it but I could tell from the way that she kept looking over at his empty chair that Adam was going to hear about it later on. I expected Adam to lecture me about everything I must or must not do at Daniel's gig, but he didn't. I guess because Crane and Molly would be with me, he felt like it wasn't needed. It was agreed that Crane and Molly would stay at the ranch that evening so that they didn't have to face another long drive at the end of the evening once they'd dropped us off.
We took Molly's jeep to the gig because there was only four of us. Crane and Molly sat up in the front and Guthrie and me in the back. I found it okay considering my height but Guthrie, who was growing to be tall, had to squash in. Still, he was in a really good mood. And I mean really good.
"Why do you look like the cat who's got the cream?" I asked him, as we whizzed along.
"Josie agreed to me go out with me," he said, grinning widely.
Josie was one of the girls who had been eating lunch with Guthrie and his group of friends every day. I had noticed how she acted with him and had told Guthrie that she liked him. This would be the first ever proper one-on-one date that Guthrie had ever had.
I squealed with excitement.
"I knew it! I knew she liked you!"
"Knew who liked whom?" Crane asked, looking at us in his rear view mirror from his place behind the wheel.
"Guthrie likes Josie. He asked her out and she said yes," I said, immediately.
Guthrie rolled his eyes at my gossipy tone and Crane smiled.
"Way to go, little brother," he said.
I was glad we were Crane and Molly. Had Evan or Brian been there, they'd have started asking about her 'score out of 10'. Adam didn't do it and Hannah absolutely hated it, but they still did it, although it was mostly Evan.
Guthrie blushed a little while also managing to look smug at the same time.
"Thanks."
Molly turned her body around from her place in the front passenger seat so she could see us. She was wearing makeup and wearing dressier clothes than I'd ever seen her in before. She looked really pretty.
"What's she like, Guth?" she asked Guthrie.
Guthrie shrugged.
"I don't know… she's just nice."
"She's funny," I said, butting in, "And she's nice and pretty too,"
"Where you going to take her?" I demanded, looking at Guthrie now.
"A movie," I think.
"But you won't get to talk to her!" I said.
"Is that kind of the idea, Guth?" Crane asked, laughing and meeting Guthrie's eye in the mirror.
I rolled my eyes. Boys.