When I was little, I thought that Adam and Brian could fix everything and anything. There was nothing that was insurmountable to them. Maybe it's because I was so small and they were so tall so they seemed like superheroes. As I've gotten older, I've come to realise that try as they might, they can't fix everything. Especially as one of them might be the one that needs fixing.
Guthrie and I stayed up fairly late that night, waiting for Adam to come back, Brian contritely in tow. Personally, I had a feeling that things weren't as simple as that; this past year has shattered my innocence I guess. But I think Guthrie hoped that Adam would bring Brian back, who would then apologise to us for his blow up downstairs earlier that evening; we would forgive him and then everything would be okay again.
Crane came upstairs maybe an hour after Guthrie had come into my bedroom to talk. He reminded us we had school the next day and told us both to go to bed. Everyone just needed a good night's sleep, he said, and things would look better in the morning. Reluctantly, we got ready for bed; Guthrie said he would stay in my room that evening, just in case I needed company, he added. I knew he was the one who needed company though; I'd have been fine on my own.
It can't have been too much later when we heard the front door open and then shut softly and then the sound of bootsteps on the stairs. We could tell by the gait of the steps that it was Adam. I stayed where I was- reading in bed, but Guthrie shot up from his bed.
"Leave it, Guth," I said quickly. "He's still gotta see Hannah."
But Guthrie ignored me and opened the door, just a bit, popping his head out.
I heard Adam say hi to him quietly, and then tell him it was late, and he should get to bed.
"Is Bri with you?" Guthrie asked, tentatively.
It broke my heart a little to hear the tremor in his voice.
"No, Guth," Adam said, still quietly. He sounded tired. "Go to bed now, buddy, okay?
"Okay," Guthrie said softly.
He closed the door gently and then went back to his bed and lay down again under the comforter, on his back, staring up at the ceiling.
"You okay?" I asked him, even though I could see that he wasn't.
"Brian wasn't with him," Guthrie said, still staring at the ceiling.
"I heard. He's probably still outside," I said. "You know how he gets blows sometimes; he probably just needs to cool off."
"Yea," said Guthrie, dully.
He rolled on to his side away from me. I thought he'd rolled over to try to get to sleep- Guthrie can sleep even with the lights on, but a couple of minutes later, I noticed his shoulders shaking a little, as though he were crying.
I sat up, alarmed.
"Guthrie? You okay?" I said, even though I knew he wasn't. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen Guthrie cry.
He didn't answer me and I knew he wouldn't if I asked him again. So I did something I hadn't done in many many years. I got up and slipped into his bed, putting my arms around him. It was a risk, and I knew that there was a very good chance that he would push me away because he would be embarrassed about crying in front of me, although he'd seen me cry plenty. But he didn't push me away; he didn't turn and cry into me or anything, but I knew that since he wasn't protesting, it was okay for me to be there.
As I hugged Guthrie, I felt a huge surge of red hot anger towards Brian for hurting Guthrie like this. We've always been protective of each other, and I would scratch the eyes out of anyone who would hurt him. It was a good thing that Brian was AWOL because If I'd seen him at that moment, I could have torn him limb from limb.
/
Adam and Hannah appeared to have made up by the next morning because they were both acting normal at breakfast. It was awkward though because Brian was still fast asleep on his bed downstairs, snoring like a foghorn and Starr was being held by Adam. Daniel was absent- I figured he had probably spent the night at Scarlett's and so was Evan- Hannah mentioned that he had headed out early.
I excused myself before Guthrie; I wanted to get the early bus to school to see if I could steal time with Josh in private before school started. I used the excuse of needing to speak to my math teacher before school started and no one questioned me on it. I raided the fridge for snacks to take to school and then went upstairs to brush my teeth and grab my bag. Hannah was in my room when I got back from the bathroom, putting folded laundry in my drawer. I knew it was because she wanted to check on me because she could have put the laundry away any time.
I smiled at her and grabbed my bag which was next to my dresser.
"You okay?" she asked me.
I didn't pretend not to know what she was talking about.
"Yea," I said, throwing my backpack on the bed and shoving the snacks I had taken from the fridge inside. "Guthrie's not though Hannah."
My eyes met hers.
"He's really hurt by what Brian said."
Hannah's face immediately looked really upset. She doesn't act like she has favourites, but if I were to guess, I would say that Guthrie is secretly her favourite McFadden by far- after Adam of course.
"This is all my fault," she said, holding her belly and sinking down onto the bed in my room that Guthrie had slept in. She looked like she might cry- very un Hannah-like.
"No it's not!" I protested.
I dropped my backpack and went to sit next to her on the bed, putting a hand on her leg.
"I forced you to say something to Brian, so if anyone's to blame, it's me!"
Hannah shook her head.
"Nobody forced me to do anything; I'm an adult, Heidi, this one's on me."
"Let's just blame Brian," I said. I meant it to be humorous to make Hannah smile, but she just shook her head again and then stood up abruptly.
"I'll let you get to school," she said, and then, before I could say or do anything else, she swept out of my room. For the second time in the past couple of days I marvelled at the speed at which a five- month pregnant woman could move if she wanted to.
/
Before leaving the bus after the conference the day before, Josh and I agreed that we would meet behind the sports field bleachers before school if we could. I told him I couldn't meet every day because I didn't want to arouse suspicion at home by leaving before Guthrie every day. Up until now I hadn't typically been a person who liked to get to school super early. Josh said he would have no problem getting there, which is why I expected to see him when I got to our agreed meeting place.
Except he wasn't there. I waited and waited, right up until the bell rang for homeroom but there was no sign of him. I hurried into school; I didn't want a tardy slip first thing in the morning because it was a detention at the end of the day and then I'd need to explain to Adam why I was late to school when I'd left home so early.
Josh not turning up had left me feeling insecure and all sorts of catastrophic scenarios were running through my head. Maybe he was hurt; maybe he was sick; maybe something terrible had happened to him or his mom; or maybe he just didn't want to meet me. Working with Julia the last year has shown me I'm a very anxious person. Julia says it's because of the early trauma of losing my parents when I was so little.
I'm anxious but I don't think I'm paranoid which is why it was weird when I felt like everyone was either looking at me or whispering about me when I walked into the homeroom classroom and sat down in the place I usually did. It's hard to explain but a person just knows when other people are talking about them. I told myself I was being silly and oversensitive because I was feeling upset about Josh.
Guthrie's in the same homeroom as me because of our last names and so as we were leaving the classroom to go to first period, he caught up with me, grabbing my arm.
"I need to talk to you," he hissed in my ear.
He pulled me along and shoved me into towards the toilets.
"What is it?" I said irately as he pushed me along. I hate to be manhandled- probably a reaction to a lifetime of being hustled and bustled around by big brothers.
There's a bit of the hallway, in between the girls' and boys' bathroom which is set back from the main hallway. It's more private there and is used by canoodling couples or kids who want to skip class. The teachers know about it though, so they always do a sweep each period which is probably why Guthrie said, "We don't have much time."
His eyes were darting around as though they were watching for danger even though the only people passing us were other kids on their way to class.
"What is the matter with you?" I said as he bundled me into the inserted piece of hallway, "Why are we here? Is this about last night?"
I hadn't planned to mention Guthrie crying so as not to embarrass him, except now I thought he wanted to talk about it.
It seemed as though Guthrie was studying me, trying to suss something out as he looked at me.
"No, it's not about last night. You haven't heard have you?"
"Heard what?"
Guthrie ran a hand over his face, a gesture I recognised as being what Adam does when he's tired or stressed about something.
"Heidi, I heard this morning that those guys- you know the ones that…" Guthrie hesitated, "that did that stuff to Olivia-"
"Wade, Paul and Frankie," I interjected.
"Yea, them, well they were hauled down to the police station this weekend."
Guthrie lowered his voice even further so that his next words were in a whisper.
"Heidi, the rumour is that she's accused them of rape. But they've also been released. I don't think they've been charged with anything, or that's what I heard…"
I stared at Guthrie, blinking stupidly. This was the last news I was expecting so I tried to take it in.
I must have been taking too long to reply because Guthrie waved a hand in front of my face.
"Hello! Earth to Heidi- did you hear me?"
"I heard you," I said quietly. "How do you know this?"
"Everyone's talking about it this morning; I'm surprised you haven't heard anything".
That was because I'd been waiting behind the bleachers for Josh to show, but I wasn't about to tell Guthrie that. The hallways had emptied of kids now and it was just the two of us of us now, not in class like we should be.
"I have to get over there! I have to see Olivia!" I said, suddenly feeling an overwhelming urge to see her.
"I thought Olivia was staying out of town with her grandparents," Guthrie pointed out.
"She was the last time I heard…" I said slowly, "But surely if she's spoken to the cops, she must be back."
"You could go after school; I'm sure Adam will understand," Guthrie suggested.
But I felt panicked. If Olivia was back, like I suspected she was, she'd need me. If she was even speaking to me after I'd told Hannah and Molly what she had told me had happened to her at the party and Hannah had told her father.
"No, Guth, I need to go now," I insisted.
Guthrie's brow wrinkled.
"You can't leave now! School will realise you're not here and call home. Adam'll go nuts!"
"I'll call him from Olivia's. He'll understand!" I insisted.
Guthrie shook his head.
"I don't think so, Heidi, not with everything that's going on at home right now. Think about what you're going; it's not a good idea."
But at that moment, I was too anxious about the situation to care. If I called home and asked permission to go to Olivia's and Adam said no, it would be harder to justify going than if I just went and asked for forgiveness later.
"I'm going, Guth," I said, already turning away.
Then I realised Guthrie would be late for class because he had talked to me, and he would get a tardy slip which he'd have to get Adam to sign for him.
"Blame me later," I said.
Guthrie looked confused.
"When Adam signs your tardy slip," I said impatiently, "Blame me. Tell him you were trying to convince me not to leave. "There's no point in him being mad at us both."
"I'm gonna look like a saint compared to what you're doing," Guthrie said, sighing. He looked so worried. Guthrie really doesn't like to get in trouble, or when I get in trouble for that matter.
I couldn't worry about Guthrie though; at that moment Olivia was all that mattered.
I peeked out into the hallway from the inserted part we were in. The coast was clear from teachers.
"It's quiet, I'll see you later," I said, turning to Guthrie and then I ran out into the hallway.
I was already near the stairs when I heard Guthrie's voice pleading with me to be careful.
/
Olivia lives in Sonora so it took a while to get there because I had to get a bus and around my area, they're not a frequent occurrence. I knew better than to hitchhike; if Adam found out I did that, I knew he wouldn't spare me.
On the bus there, I had time to calm down a little and think. I was starting to realise that the plan I was currently putting in motion was a terrible idea. Act first, think later; that's been a pattern with me my whole life. Sometimes I do manage to think things through but I'm not particularly good at it. My main concern was that I didn't want to worry my family and I knew that if school called them to say I wasn't there, they'd be frantic. After I had taken off to Julia's earlier in the year, I had promised my whole family I wouldn't do that again, and what I was doing seemed an awful lot like it. I remembered Crane telling me how terrified they had all been and the last thing I wanted to do was worry them again, especially pregnant Hannah. The other thing weighing on me was Josh's absence. Now that Guthrie had told me about Wade, Frankie and Paul being questioned by the cops, I wondered if Josh not turning up was something to do with that. He was Frankie's cousin after all. A gnawing chasm was growing in the pit of my stomach.
The moment I got off the bus in Sonora, I found a phone booth. I planned to call home and let them know I was okay. Except that when I put the money in and picked up the phone, and started dialling the ranch's number, I felt overwhelmingly nervous about who would answer the phone. If Crane or Hannah or even Evan or Daniel picked up, it would be okay. Adam or Brian on the other hand… Not that Brian would be sober enough I thought darkly. I felt like I needed to see Olivia and if I were ordered home or back to school and I disobeyed, it would be worse for me.
Then I remembered that I had Molly's number written in my homework diary that I took to school every day. She had given me both her home number and the number for her veterinary practice when I had been over there a couple of weeks back. She'd said I could call her anytime. I liked and trusted Molly a lot, and I felt like she would understand why I needed to see Olivia. I would ask her to call home and explain what had happened, so they didn't need to worry. Of course, I might not get hold of her I reasoned; she might be out on a call somewhere. But it was worth a try.
I hung up the phone and got my planner out my bag to get Molly's number. Then I collected the coins and put them back in again. I figured that seeing as it was a workday, Molly was most likely to be at her practice rather than at home. I dialled the number and held my breath while I waited for someone to answer.