Adam didn't come back into my room the rest of the afternoon, but someone did open the door and then close it again quickly. Probably Hannah and she must have thought I was sleeping otherwise she would have come in.

I dozed on and off for the rest of the afternoon. I was so tired but anxiety kept me from sleeping restfully. Every time I would fall asleep, I would awake with a start, my heart pounding. I'd felt anxious before, but nothing as bad as this.

I knew that it was getting closer to supper time by the increased level of sound and activity in the house- the sounds of my brothers' voices and boots on the stairs and Starr's cries and Hannah soothing her. I should have been hungry since I hadn't eaten since breakfast but I wasn't. I was sick with heartache and fear. I heard my name being called by first Guthrie and then Evan telling me to come down for supper, but I ignored them. Not much later, there was a sharp knock at my door and then Adam opened my door and stepped into my room.

"Supper's ready, Heidi, come down and eat."

I sat up, leaning my back against the headboard of my bed.

"I'm not hungry," I said, pointlessly because I knew that Adam wouldn't just let me skip dinner.

"I know, but you need to eat," Adam said firmly.

It seemed we'd had this same conversational dance a hundred times over, especially in the months earlier. Both of us knew how it would play out, and yet we repeated ourselves time and time again like groundhog day.

"I can't eat, Adam, I feel too sick," I said.

"You're scared of what I'm going to do to you for leavin' school today?" Adam said. The way he said it was like a statement rather than a question.

"Yea," I admitted. My eyes were drawn to the heavy thick brown leather belt around Adam's middle. It looked terrifying and even the sight of it in this instance made me want to vomit.

Adam must have followed my eyeline because he put a hand to his belt, over the buckle.

"I'm not goin' to spank you, Heidi," he said.

For the first time since we'd started talking, I looked him in the eye.

"Really?" I asked. I was sure I wouldn't have escaped Adam's belt this time. Not after I'd had so many warnings.

"Really."

He held his hand out to me.

"Come on."

I took his hand and let him pull me up.

"What's my punishment then?" I said.

"We'll talk after supper," Adam said.

With a hand in the middle of my back he propelled me quickly to the top of the stairs before I had noticed we were out of my room. He kept his hand on my back until we reached the kitchen table and then took his seat and I took mine.

There was a general greeting of heys from my brothers, who apart from Brian, were all there, and Hannah was too of course. Guthrie caught my eye and mouthed "You okay?" and I nodded. Hannah ran a hand over my hair and Crane, sitting next to me, said softly in my ear, "One bite at a time, okay?" Evan and Daniel were acting normally and so I thought that they couldn't know what had happened today because they would have shown their support otherwise.

Though I'm a vegetarian, I don't mind eating fish on occasion, especially if it's salmon or seafood. Hannah had made baked salmon, with potatoes and vegetables and so I ate the same food as everyone else. She gave me a normal sized portion and I concentrated on the techniques Julia had taught me when I'd been anxious about eating earlier in the year. One bite, chew, swallow. Another bite, chew, swallow. It took a lot of concentration and effort on my part but I managed to eat all the fish and vegetables, leaving only a couple of potatoes. The effort of eating made it so that I completely tuned out of any table conversation. I wouldn't have been able to recount what anyone had said for a million dollars.

"I'm full," I said quietly to Crane.

He looked at my plate and then said, "Okay. Well done for managing the rest of it."

There was ice cream and pie for dessert but I didn't want any and no one pushed me.

"Please can I be excused?" I asked Crane. I just wanted to go back upstairs and hibernate.

Adam though must have heard me because he answered for Crane, saying, "Stay here until we're all finished."

So I stayed at the table in body but my mind was on Olivia and the deep grief that had hit me since she told me she was leaving. I guess that deep down, I'd hoped that in time, she would come back to school and I'd have my best friend back. I knew she was only moving away, but it felt like a death. As bad as earlier in the year, maybe even worse because I knew that she'd be out there, living without me and we wouldn't get to finish high school together. I thought back to earlier in the year. I'd thought that this year couldn't have gotten any worse. But I was wrong because it had. It was the worst year of my life so far.

A hand on my shoulder brought me back to earth. Adam was by my chair and he was speaking.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I asked. I hadn't heard anything of what he'd just said to me. I suddenly also noticed that everyone had left the kitchen and that Crane and Guthrie were clearing the table.

"I said let's go outside," Adam said.

I followed Adam out the back door, aware of Guthrie's gaze following me; I knew he just wanted to check I was alright.

"Where we going?" I asked Adam, who was already ahead of me, longer legs and all.

"You can help me with some evening chores," Adam said, without turning back to look at me- a good thing too because I made a face. I hate ranch chores. And domestic chores. Chores of any kind really. I'm not lazy but there's other ways I prefer to spend my time. Still, I followed Adam to the stables where he promptly handed me a pitchfork and then nodded in the direction of an empty stall.

"This stall needs muckin' out," he said.

"But that's Guthrie's job!" I protested, hearing the whine in my voice.

"And tonight it's your job," Adam said.

"But-"

"No arguments." He grabbed another pitchfork. "I'm gonna help you."

I started shovelling the floor of the stall, dumping the contents into the wheelbarrow which was already in the stall. I had a strong suspicion that this was part of my punishment. There'd be no other reason Adam would make me do someone else's chores. He confirmed it when he said, "This, and other ranch and domestic chores are goin' to be your punishment for the next two weeks."

I stopped shovelling and gaped at him.

"Two weeks?!"

"Yep. When you're outside, you'll be workin' alongside me and Hannah'll supervise you when you're doin' house chores inside."

I felt close to tears. I knew I was lucky Adam wasn't going to strap me, but it felt like this really was a harsh punishment. Adam knew how much I would hate this. Which was the point I guess.

"Am I grounded too?" I asked, my voice wavering. I don't think I would have cried if I wasn't already so upset.

"You're not grounded," Adam said.

There wasn't anywhere I wanted to go anyway.

"But if Hannah or I hear any complaints about your punishment over the next two weeks, you'll get an extra day tacked on each time. Got it?"

"Okay," I said. That was pretty standard for Adam; he hates complaining about punishments and he'd done the adding on a day thing a lot when I was younger, and he'd done it earlier in the year when I'd been grounded for taking off to Julia's.

"And I'm not coverin' for you with school. They know you took off yesterday so you'll have to face whatever consequences come your way at school too."

"Okay," I said again, though I started crying for real this time. The punishment at school for truancy, which is what they would count this as, was a Saturday morning detention. Feeling as vulnerable as I did, it all sounded a lot.

I wanted a hug from Adam, but he was still in fullon lecture mode.

"What you did, takin' off again- it was wrong, Heidi. I understand why you did it, but I don't want you thinkin' it's okay."

"I know it's not okay," I said, wiping my eyes with my arm. "I didn't know what else to do though."

Adam looked at my pitchfork pointedly, his way of telling me to get back to work.

When I did, he said, "You could have waited until after school to go and see Olivia. Why didn't you do that?"

"Guthrie tried to convince me of that but I felt like I had to go right then, Adam. I don't know- I can't explain it. And I made Guthrie late for class by the way coz he was trying to talk me out of leaving."

"Mmm," Adam said.

He didn't seem particularly bothered by that news- he probably already knew. Or Guthrie being late to class wasn't a big deal at all compared to my crime. At least I was doing Guthrie a favour but making him seem like the golden child.

"I told you this before, but it's your impulsivity that worries me, Heidi. Actin' without thinkin' things through."

"I can't help it!" I said. "It's like… it's like I feel this feeling in my body and I just can't do anything or think of anything else until I've done what I want to do."

I fully expected Adam to scold me or lecture me. Tell me that it was a cop out and I just needed to control myself. But all he said was, "Well, maybe that's somethin' that Julia can help you with. Hannah made you an appointment for next week."

I was relieved to hear it. I desperately needed to talk to her.

Adam and I worked on for a short while longer in silence. I had to admit, it was nice of him to help me since he could have made me do everything on my own.

Soon, we had completely cleared the stall's floor of the soiled bedding. Adam carted the wheelbarrow out to the manure pile to dump it and brought in a couple of bales of hay so we could lay out fresh bedding. He left them by the stall door and we started to spread hay on the floor.

Working with him, having to be physically busy was definitely helping my anxiety.

"How come this is my punishment, rather than… you know…" I trailed off, embarrassed to say the words.

"You have Hannah to thank for that," Adam said, "She persuaded me that you need a more supportive punishment this time. Like I said, one of us will always be with you whether you're in the house or outside."

"But isn't that a punishment for you guys too?"

Adam stopped raking the fresh bedding to look at me.

"It's not a punishment to be with you, Heidi."

"Are you gonna force me to talk about my feelings?" I asked.

"Not if you don't want to," Adam said.

He handed me a broom and I moved to sweep the loose straw away from the stall door.

Somehow, Adam telling me that I didn't have to talk about my feelings made me feel more relaxed and in control. Like I could choose the time and moment of when to talk.

When Adam brought the feed tub back into the stall and I knew we were finishing up I said,

"Adam, can I be homeschooled?"

"What? No!" Adam said immediately, looking at me like I'd asked him if I could fly to the moon.

"Why not?" I said.

"Because it's not practical for one thing. There's no one here to teach you."

"I could teach myself from the textbooks- I know I could! And then I could take the GED."

"No, Heidi. You need to go to school."

"Adam, please! Can't we even look into it?" I pleaded.

Adam, having just placed the water bucket back in the stall now surveyed me, hands on his hips.

"This about Olivia leaving?"

I nodded, my welling up again.

"I don't want to be at school without her," I said quietly. I leaned the broom against the stall door. "I've got no friends now."

"You've got Guthrie and his friends," Adam said.

Again, we had had this verbal dance before as well.

"Guthrie's my brother, Adam, and his friends are nice, but I don't want to be tolerated out of pity," I said. I took a shuddering breath, to try to stem my tears.

I guess Adam and I could have gone through the repertoire of him telling me that they weren't pitying me and me insisting they were. But neither of us had the energy I guess because we both knew the other wasn't going to be persuaded by the other's words.

Instead, Adam took one off his work gloves and shoved them into his back pocket. Then he pulled me into him, hugging me to him. We stayed like that for a bit. I was the first to pull away, mainly because I was developing a headache from crying and wanted to go back inside. Before he let me go fully, he said, "Heidi, look at me."

When I did, he said, "I know what it's like to be going through somethin' difficult. It can feel overwhelming and like you're suffocating- right?"

I nodded. I suspected he was talking about how he'd felt in the early days of raising us, but I didn't ask him to clarify.

"How do you get through it?" I asked.

"You put one foot in front of the other and you just keep going. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time. There's no other choice."

/

God only knows how much I didn't want to go to school the next day. I wasn't scared of being yelled at by Mrs Reber, the teacher who dealt with truancy for sophomores, it was more that I felt like today was the first day without Olivia by my side. Of course she hadn't been to school in weeks, but like I said, in my head I thought she'd come back. Now, it was certain she wouldn't.

I knew Adam, sure as day that wouldn't let me stay home though- I didn't even ask. And Mrs Reber didn't even yell at me. She just lectured and informed me that I was expected to sit detention on Saturday, something I already knew was going to happen.

I sat with Guthrie and his friends at lunch. I love Guthrie to death and I have a great time with him, but although his friends were really nice people, I didn't feel a particular connection with any of them. But I was grateful I didn't have to be alone. I could tell I was the source of some gossip- people were still talking about the boys who had hurt Olivia being arrested and everyone knew we were best friends. But again, I was able to deal with that.

No, the day would have been difficult but bearable if it wasn't for the interaction I had with Josh. Or lack of interaction to be more specific. In the drama, I had forgotten that I was supposed to meet Josh behind the bleachers the previous morning and despite me being there on time and waiting for him, he hadn't shown up. I hadn't had time to give it any thought, but now it was bothering me. Had he forgotten we'd arranged to meet or had he purposely not turned up?

I got my answer at the end of last period after the bell rang and the hallway was full of kids, jostling each other to try to get out of school as quickly as possible. I've never been a rusher at the end of the day- I like to take my time at my locker making sure I have everything I need to take home to do my homework. And I'll admit it, I did decide to walk down the senior hallway even though there were quicker ways to get to my locker in the chance that maaaaaaybbbe I'd run into Josh.

As luck would have it, I did see him. He was standing by another kid's locker, facing the way I was walking, his backpack slung over his arm and I felt tingly all over at just seeing him. His black T-shirt was tight and showed off his muscled arms.

I was still a little bit away from where he was standing, but close enough that it wouldn't be weird to acknowledge me when I smiled and gave a small wave. He saw me- I know he did because he looked straight at me, in my eyes. But instead of acknowledging me, even with the slightest nod, he looked through me, as though I didn't exist at all.