*A/N at the bottom*
"... But I do not understand. Why, Mother? What brought all of this about? What could have possibly happened in the last three days to... to do this to him?"
"There is much I haven't told you, Thor."
"I can see that. Loki was saying some sort of nonsense about us not being brothers before we fought - is that the truth?"
Aemilia half-listened to the hushed, familiar voices as reality awakened her forcibly sleeping mind. She blinked in flutters, confused and grasping at the edges of her consciousness, looking up and seeing a high golden ceiling above her that she did not immediately recognize.
"Mother, is that the truth?" Thor asked insistently.
"... This is never how I wanted the truth to come to light, Thor."
Their words swirled around in Aemilia's fuzzy head, and slowly she sat up in the large bed that she was in. Her stomach rumbled unhappily, twisted into knots, and her head felt light and dizzy. Her chest was tight, her eyes puffy and swollen as she blinked them, and it seemed that her body remembered what had occurred earlier that night before her brain did.
"Your father found him as an infant, left to die in the aftermath of the war with Jotunheim. He is... was the son of Laufey."
With those words, her memory returned, and Aemilia nearly collapsed with the impact. Her blood ran cold and her breath left her in an audible gasp that caught the attention of the lowly conversing royalty in the room.
He let go. He was gone.
Before she knew it, the Queen was perched at her side on the bed, and Thor stood nearby, looking confused, distraught, and concerned all at once.
"My dear," Frigga said gently, taking Aemilia's hand, "you should lie down."
She shook her head, looking at Frigga and then Thor as the ache in her chest became more pronounced. "I can't. Where am I?"
"You are in my private bedchambers," Frigga answered softly, and when Aemilia took the time to look into the Queen's eyes, she wished that she hadn't. The pain in the beautiful, regal woman's eyes was unbearable. "I placed you under a temporary sleep because you were... worrying me a bit."
Aemilia blinked hollowly, suddenly recalling the fact that she'd quite yelled at the newly awakened King of Asgard and had wished death upon him in her shock-driven state. She did not regret it in the slightest. "The King deserves everything I said and more."
"It's not what you said," Frigga said gently. "It's what you were doing. I know you did not realize this, but the force of your magic made the remainder of the bridge tremble. You were losing control."
"Oh," Aemilia said, shocked. She had not been trying to use any sort of magic at the time.
"It is not uncommon for such things to happen during a... difficult time. Especially for one so young with magic as you."
Unsure of what to say, Aemilia looked to Thor, who was standing with his shoulders slightly hunched, staring off towards the floor under his feet.
She could not muster up the visceral anger she had felt towards Thor earlier. In fact, she could muster up very little feeling at all for anything. Tears did not prickle at her eyes, because a hollow sense of numbness had taken hold from within.
She looked back to Frigga. "He is truly gone, isn't he?"
Frigga's hold on her hand slackened some, and her expression became even more pained. "I had some hope that perhaps he had fallen into some sort of pocket of space and was transported elsewhere - such a thing is not unheard of - but Heimdall cannot see him."
"Heimdall often could not see him," Aemilia quickly replied, desperately clinging to some thin shred of hope. "Loki told me so, several times. He has ways of shielding himself from Heimdall's sight."
"Yes, but considering the nature of his fall," Frigga's voice nearly cracked, "I do not believe that he would have the strength to keep up a spell of that nature."
Aemilia took a breath, trying to find a way to argue, trying to cling to any sort of denial that contained the smallest trace of logic, but she quickly realized she was grasping at nothing.
"How could he do this?"
She hadn't realized that she'd said it out loud until she felt warm, motherly arms enclose around her and pull her close. Frigga said nothing, only held her, and guilt overwhelmed Aemilia when she realized that a grief-stricken mother was comforting her when it should have been reversed.
"He... he did not seem well," Thor said, looking at the two women with red-rimmed blue eyes. "How long had he known of... this... truth?"
"Since he accompanied you to Jotunheim," Frigga replied. "His arm turned blue at the touch of a Jotun. Your father told him the rest after your banishment."
"I do not understand," Thor said, helplessly gesturing with his hands. "He is not the size of a giant. Was it all an illusion?"
Frigga nodded. "One that he unknowingly projected on himself since he first came to us. His size was the reason Laufey left him for death."
Thor looked down again, processing this information amid his grief, and with a slump in his shoulders, he turned and sat down on the foot of the bed, staring ahead with a dejected expression.
"He did all of this for Odin," Aemilia said, not caring to use the King's proper title. "Everything. Being second best ate at him. It always has, I could tell, even though he acted like it was just a fact of life. He saw this as a chance to prove himself and win Odin's love." She spat out the last two words like a curse.
"He said as much before we fought in the Observatory," Thor muttered. "How could I have never known this? How could I have missed this?"
"Because you were too selfish and arrogant to see anything past your own shadow," Aemilia said, voice deceptively steady. "If you had taken one single moment to give him half of the attention he craved from you, perhaps you could have noticed."
Thor looked at her with a look of deep pain, as if she had just taken a dagger already lodged in his heart and given it a clear, sharp twist.
"We all failed him," Frigga said quietly, and they all knew that it was true. In their own ways, every person of importance to Loki had failed him in some manner. Frigga should have told the truth, Thor should have been less of an arrogant fool, and Aemilia should not have concealed Loki's misdeeds after learning of them.
For a moment, all was silent in the room, as each person present mulled over their mistakes and allowed their grief to silence them. Then, unexpectedly, Thor's head snapped up and he looked wide-eyed at Aemilia. "The child. This is why..."
Now it was Aemilia's turn to look at him as his words deepened her pain.
Was it not enough to lose a child? Did she also have to lose the man she loved with all the fibers of her being?
"I'm sorry," Thor said. "I don't mean to make this worse for you. I only mean to say that a lot of things have been made much clearer now."
"He was desperate," Aemilia said quietly, changing the subject for her own sake. "He knew that you were not ready to rule, and he did the only thing he knew to do to delay your taking the throne. I accidentally saw his thoughts, felt what he felt. He truly thought he was doing what was best for Asgard."
Aemilia expected Thor to erupt in a self-righteous tangent about how very wrong Loki was, and how none of this would have happened had Thor taken the throne as planned. That was what the Thor she knew would have done. But instead, he simply looked at her with eyes full of regret and something that looked a lot like remorse, then turned to stare ahead of him, his gaze downcast.
She wondered what had happened on Midgard to cause this sort of change in the mighty Thor. In fact, now that she thought on it - why hadn't Thor helped Loki destroy Jotunheim? Is it not what he would have done three days ago?
"Why would he let go?" Thor asked in a small, almost childish voice, looking at Frigga.
At those words, the numbness that had briefly served as protection to Aemilia fell away, and she held back a sob as it bubbled up in her throat. No matter how hard she tried, she simply could not wrap her head around the fact that Loki had willingly, deliberately, let go and allowed himself to fall into the abyss.
Did he really feel as if he had nothing left to live for? Was death really a preferable alternative to living with the consequences of what he'd done?
She would never see him again. The reality of it hit her like a brutal squeeze of a hand around her heart. The brief, terrible eye contact she had shared with him would be the last time she ever gazed upon him, and his final words to her would forever be a command to gather her belongings and leave by morning.
She would never see him again.
The tears came again, and they came with a vengeance. Eventually, she begged Frigga to put her to sleep again, and the Queen granted her wish. When she woke next, she was in her own chambers, and this time, there was no delay before the tears began anew.
The kingdom was told that their younger Prince had fallen from the bridge in a tragic accident as he and Thor had fought together to stop the Bifrost from spiraling out of control following the attack by the Jotuns. The lie kept Loki's name from being disgraced, and it allowed the people to properly grieve him. Except, as Aemilia found out the morning after the fall, there would be no proper grieving, because there would be no proper funeral.
Morning found her at the edge of the jagged, broken rainbow bridge. Heimdall stood watchful nearby, but a nod of quiet acknowledgement was the only interaction between them as she came to stand in the same place she had the night before.
There was nothing she hoped to gain from being there, from standing there and staring into the empty space that he had fallen into, but she felt as if somebody should be standing there. And she was not alone in thinking this.
"I thought I'd find you here," Thor said, approaching her from behind. She looked slightly over her shoulder, relaxing a bit at the sound of his voice. She'd rather it be him here than anyone else.
"I awoke before dawn," she said, her voice flat and lifeless to her own ears. "I'm not sure what to... what to do with myself now."
Indeed, waking up alone, in her own room rather than his, was a lonely and harsh reminder of her new reality. To think of how far they had recently come, to the point of at last telling one another I love you, only to be forever separated so suddenly and abruptly and permanently... it was a gratuitous, terrible cruelty. Unthinkable.
"He would want you to go on living," Thor said quietly, looking out into the abyss at her side. "It is what we must all do."
"That will be easier for some than others," she muttered.
"But not for either one of us."
Aemilia turned to him, looking at the elder Prince with a mixture of confusion and sadness on her face. "What happened on Midgard? You seem... nothing like the man you once were."
He smiled sadly. "A lot happened. I came to realize how very stupid I've been. How much I took everything for granted and put my own interests before all others."
She raised an eyebrow. "That is quite a lot to learn in only a few days."
His eyes grew cold and miserable. "It was enough to change Loki."
She let out a strained sigh as the familiar sting of another round of tears burned at her aching eyes. She'd grown tired of the torrential pain, but knew the tears were far from showing any kind of restraint. Her soul had turned into an unstable dam, and the damage felt irreparable. "It doesn't seem real. As much as it hurts, it doesn't seem real."
Thor was quiet for a moment before he spoke. "I've never known a life without him. I don't have any memories as a child that do not include him. I've never imagined a future without him. We were supposed to rule Asgard together. I can't imagine being King without my brother at my side. He's always pulled me back when I step too far, and... I don't know what to do without that, without him. Without his honesty."
She looked at him, a slight shimmer in her eyes from unshed tears, and she asked, "Did you ever once tell him anything like what you're telling me now?"
"Not nearly enough," Thor admitted.
"He took every jest and every slight so hard," she said quietly, eyes still fixed on the space that hung beneath their feet, below the bridge. "He never spoke of it but I could see it in his eyes, when he would bring me around you and your friends. They are so unconditionally loyal to you, and yet they treated him with such suspicion and distrust when he took the throne. He was always on the outside. I could see that from my first day at the palace."
Thor winced. "And I never did. I thought he understood the jests were never meant personally. I thought..." he faltered and sighed. "I thought many foolish things. I was blind."
"He was incredibly jealous of them, for monopolizing your time," she said, wiping under her eyes. "He was nearly as possessive over you as he was over me. And he knew they only tolerated him for your sake. They confirmed as much once you were banished."
"If he had only come to me and told me this himself, I would -"
"Would have what?" she challenged. "Clapped him on the back and told him that he was being ridiculous? Dragged him out to the training arena for target practice with Mjolnir?"
Thor opened his mouth as if to defend himself, but no words came out. Aemilia watched the sadness on his face grow, and she took no pleasure in the guilt and frustration that Thor was struggling with. She could not hate him the way that she hated Odin, because as stupid and oblivious as Thor had been, she had never doubted his love for Loki. She doubted it even less now.
With a sigh, she sank down to a sitting position, letting her legs dangle precariously over the bridge. Thor followed her down, and they sat in silence for a few moments, both trying and failing to make sense of it all.
"You wish to know what happened on Earth," Thor said quietly. "I lost everything that I thought mattered most. My power, my strength, my throne. I learned that I am not simply entitled to these things, that I must be worthy of them. And that being worthy means being a better man. Being... humble and sacrificing. Willing to admit when I am wrong and listen to those who know better than I. I learned that being a good man is more important than wielding great power. That I should have been a better son. A better brother."
He'd learned these things just a few days too late. And while Thor had been learning invaluable life lessons and improving his character, Loki had been falling apart at the seams and slowly going mad.
Aemilia swallowed and pointedly stared into the lazily swirling abyss before slowly tearing her gaze away to meet Thor's exhausted and sorrow-filled blue eyes. She couldn't deny that she partly blamed Thor and his ignorant stupidity for Loki's unravelling and eventual demise, but she also knew that Thor was one of the only people in all of Asgard that understood the deep pain she was experiencing and loved Loki as much as she did. An unspoken understanding was born between them in that moment, and Aemilia knew there was no point in holding any ill will towards the eldest prince. What done was done.
She was the one to finally break the silence. "We all could've been better."
"Thor." Aemilia started a bit at the gravelly timbre of Odin's voice behind them. Her mood instantly grew darker from the All Father's presence, and she couldn't even bear to acknowledge him. Forgiving Asgard's King was another matter entirely.
Thor quietly nodded, understanding the purpose of his summoning. He gave one last parting look to Aemilia and gently placed his large hand on her shoulder. She dipped her head to him in a silent goodbye, and then he was gone, leaving her alone with her tortured mind.
Eventually, Aemilia was able to tear herself away from the ruined bridge and make her way back to the palace. She silently weaved through the corridors towards her room, but upon passing the Great Hall, she stopped in confusion. Lively music floated through the air, mingling with the sounds of jovial conversation and laughter. Slowly entering the Hall, she saw a feast large enough for all of Asgard sitting atop a table that nearly spanned the entire room. Hundreds of bodies filled the room, eating, drinking, dancing… As horrid realization set in, a bubbling, burning anger ignited within Aemilia.
They were celebrating. They were celebrating the prodigal son's return, despite the fact that he was too busy grieving for his brotherto attend the festivities. She was fully aware that Loki had been considered an outcast, but this raucous display of disrespect and indifference hit her at her very core.
Her eyes slowly scanned the room, and with each smiling face or toast of wine, her fury built, threatening her already shaky control.
And then she saw who sat at the head of the table. Volstagg was equally invested in both a roast and an apparently comedic one-sided conversation with Hogun, Lady Sif was scanning the table, expression utterly pleasant, looking to refill her cup, and Fandral casually sat at the very end of the table with a large smile on his lips, a scantily clad young maiden on each knee.
Aemilia's building wrath reached to new heights, her fists painfully clenching at her sides, and she found herself shaking at the revolting display before her.
When her final thread of sanity snapped, every glass shattered, every empty chair flipped, and every crystal in the chandelier above exploded.
After the expected feminine shrieks of surprise, every sound quickly died as the guests finally took notice of the fiery, singing companion to the youngest, mischievous, untrusted, unappreciated, and dead prince.
Aemilia cut the deafening silence after directly glaring at the Warriors Three and Sif. "How dare you." A small part of her was surprised and even scared at the sound and timbre of her voice: low, sharp, and absolutely murderous. "I knew Loki was never considered one of you. I knew that most of you never trusted him. But this!" She hissed through her teeth, angry tears stinging at her eyes. "This is absolutely repulsive, celebrating the return of a man who is too preoccupied grieving to even attend! You could at least have the decency to pretend to grieve. You are not only completely disregarding Loki's death, but you are disgracing Thor, his mother, and even the All Father!" Her blurred sight landed on Fandral, whose brown eyes were wide with surprise and regret. He met her gaze as she continued, her voice now dreadfully quiet, "If Thor were here to witness this, he would be just as disgusted as I. You all should be ashamed. I, too, am ashamed of myself for ever associating with any of you."
Only painful silence followed after that, their previous celebrations entirely ruined, and Aemilia turned around and walked out, leaving them all to slowly dissipate from the shambled hall.
As Aemilia quickly exited the scene, she heard footsteps quickly approaching from behind her paired with a familiar voice calling her name. She kept walking. "Aemilia─"
"I suggest you save your breath, Fandral. I have no desire to speak with you."
She felt his hand on her shoulder when he caught up with her, but she shrugged it off, unable to bother even looking at him. "My Lady, please. I am terribly sorry for my behavior."
"Tell that to Loki," she spat.
"I would if I could, Aemilia." She stopped walking with a pained exhale.
Only until she looked and met Fandral's guilty expression did he continue. "I am truly sorry for your loss, Aemilia, and I apologize for being so rude and self-absorbed as to not be there for both you and Thor during this time."
Aemilia could only stare at him with sad eyes. "I thought you were different, Fandral. Maybe I was blind, but I had thought you were one of the few to willingly try and include Loki."
"I held a high respect for Loki, but I know my actions declare anything but. I'm sorry I didn't stand up for him more, and that I was so quick to distrust him." His eyes fell to floor. "I realize now how betrayed he must have felt."
"No, you don't," she said, "You don't even begin to realize the depth of Loki's emotions." He looked at her quizzically. "He let go, Fandral. He didn't fall." Tears once again sprang to her eyes and immediately fell as she watched realization cross the warrior's face. "He let go." Her voice wavered, the image of him falling into nothing flashing behind her eyes.
Fandral moved to embrace her, but quickly caught himself when Aemilia visibly flinched away from him. His arms returned to his sides and a fire lit behind his as eyes as he said, "I will redeem myself, Aemilia," he said softly. "I promise….Anything you need, I will be there for you, no matter what."
She blankly stared at him, her already-weak ability to forgive falling short, and continued walking down the corridor. She didn't look back.
Just as Aemilia was to turn down the hall of her bedroom, she was intercepted by a guard who said the Queen requested her presence and proceeded to lead her towards the Queen's chambers. Her heart thumped painfully with each step. The prospect of seeing Frigga again both comforted and terrified her. Despite her constant calming and loving presence, Aemilia couldn't bear the thought of seeing such pain and hopelessness in the woman's eyes again.
Upon reaching the great golden doors, she exhaled heavily in preparation before entering. The royal looked as regal as ever, adorned in a golden dress with her hair immaculately piled atop her head, and she was rifling through a large trunk by her dresser with a restrained sense of sorrow. Hearing Aemilia's entrance, she stood from her post at the trunk to greet her with a faint smile. "My dear."
"You summoned me, your Majesty?
"Yes, dear, but there's no rush. Please, sit down," she replied, gently guiding her to a small divan. Aemilia sat silently and waited for Frigga to sit as well. When she returned, she had retrieved an ornate locked box. With a wave of her hand, the box clicked open, revealing multiple letters, parchments, and other objects. She slowly thumbed through them as if she were looking for something.
Despite her affection for the Queen, Aemilia really just wanted to escape the presence of others entirely to the confines of her room so she wouldn't have to worry about her constantly wavering control of emotions. She held her tongue, though, and silently waited for Frigga to begin speaking.
Eventually, she looked up, as if she had gotten utterly lost in the contents of the box and forgotten Aemilia was there. "I'm sorry, my dear. I must say I'm a bit fragmented right now. You understand." Her eyes saddened a bit, but the look quickly disappeared. However, the Queen's lively glimmer did not ─ perhaps could not ─ return to her gaze. "I spoke with the King, and expressed my desires to perform a small funeral for Loki. Or at least a memorial, since there isn't─" She paused. Aemilia knew, though. A traditional funeral could not be performed, since there wasn't a body to lay on the pyre.
Frigga visibly shook the thought away. "Odin thought it a beneficial idea. That it would provide us with some sort of closure. I'm having everything arranged to occur tonight. Just the King, Thor, you, and I. I thought we could all bring something that could represent our memories of Loki to place into the boat." Aemilia strained to keep her expression calm. She was still drowning in denial, and the idea of facing the truth that harshly was nearly enough to make her panic. Frigga, ever the observant one, immediately noticed her distress. She gently grasped her hand, squeezing it lightly. "You needn't come if you're not comfortable, though. I'll understand, dear."
She immediately shook her head. It was never a question of whether she would go ─ she would die before intentionally missing it ─ but rather a fear of how she would react and whether it would improve her mental and emotional state of the situation, or exponentially worsen it. Either prospect, though, she would be there. "No, I will be there." Frigga smiled, pleased to see Aemilia's increasingly impressive will to still be firmly intact. She had thankfully not lost herself amongst her grief. "Thank you."
Her thanks surprisingly hit Aemilia hard. This strong, accepting, beautiful woman who had done so much for her - nearly taken the place of her biological mother - and was a constant unwavering sense of support, was thanking her. She had gained many things through her relationship with the youngest prince, but nothing was as surprising and significant as the motherly bond she had gained with the Queen. Eyes shining with unshed tears, she grasped the elder woman's hand and gave it a light squeeze. "No," Frigga looked at her with a small questioning gaze. Aemilia's building emotions squeezed at her throat as she quietly managed to say, "thank you."
Aemilia's pained, yet grateful expression was then mirrored in Frigga's as she gingerly placed a hand on the younger woman's fair cheek. "My dear Aemilia, You must know that you're coming here, even though it wasn't on the most positive of terms," a weak laugh escaped Aemilia's throat at that, "was such a blessing - not just to me, but to my entire family. You brought a warmth back into this household, despite everything that has occurred, and as far as I'm concerned, you have become every bit a daughter to me as Loki and Thor are sons." Aemilia's tears started flowing again at that, barely able to process all she was saying. "You area part of this family. Thor would heartily agree with me, and…we all know how Loki would react."
That thought brought the opposite of Frigga's intended effect. Suddenly, Aemilia was sucked back to one of her last - and most dreadful - moments with Loki. Him forcing her to choose between her love for him or her friends, him questioning her every move and sentence, and his horrid last words of banishment to her when she refused to give in: "You will be escorted back to your family home at dawn."
They were hardly the words of one who would want her to be a part of his family.
Frigga immediately saw her hurt look and realized what she must have been thinking. "Now, Aemilia, you know Loki did not truly mean what he said to you. I knew my son more than anyone, and it was apparent that he loved you with everything he had. He wanted you here at his side, always." When Aemilia's expression did not improve, Frigga knew her words provided no comfort to the young girl.
Sighing quietly, she looked back down to the box in her lap. Then, peeking out from under an old, yellowed letter from Odin, she saw it.
Aemilia immediately noticed the Queen's wide eyed look of realization towards the contents of the box. Tentatively, she asked, "My Queen?" Yet again, Frigga's eyes leapt up to hers as if she had been absent to anything but her own thoughts and then jumped back to the box, a pensive expression pulling her eyebrows together. Concern fluttering and melding with everything else in her mind, Aemilia placed her hand on Frigga's.
Frigga, still looking down, squeezed her eyes shut for a moment before meeting Aemilia's gaze again. Slowly, her previously still hand came to life and intertwined with Aemilia's as she began, "My dear, I…," she paused, as if thinking on how to begin, "I had told myself that I would not give this to you so soon, but…I realize that you deserve to have it now, and that Loki would want you to have it now as well."
Aemilia stared at her in curiosity, but a deep, slow knotting in her stomach immediately made her wary of the situation. What could she possibly be speaking of? Did she even want to know?
Frigga continued as Aemilia's conflicting emotions raged on. "Loki came to me in private about two weeks ago and gave this to me for safekeeping. He was still looking for the right time to present it to you." The low, painful knot tightened and a flash of panic ran up Aemilia's spine. Two weeks ago had been about the time she and Loki lost the baby…and when she had nearly died. She was brought back to the desperate and impossibly exhausted look in Loki's eyes when she had woken and how he had obsessively worked himself to a point close to death to ensure her recovery. She also remembered the breathtaking look of relief and love in his dull green eyes when he realized his efforts weren't in vain, despite their loss.
Frigga then placed a small, gold silken drawstring bag in her hands.
Outwardly, Aemilia merely stared blankly at the bag in her open hands, but inwardly, her rapidly beating heart felt as if it was about to burst from her chest, the presence of the smooth silk on her skin burned her hands, and the contents of the little bag impossibly heavy. Frigga's initial hesitation to give it to her immediately added weight to the situation and the bag's contents. Fear of the unknown clenched her spine. Would she prefer to stay in the dark? Oblivious? Or would she prefer to know and face the possible consequences of that knowledge?
But whatever it was, it was from Loki, and if he intended for her to have it, she would face what she must.
Taking a deep breath, she tentatively opened the bag with shaky fingers and quickly dumped its contents into her left hand before she convinced herself otherwise.
Sitting lightly in the center of her palm was a delicate, shimmering ring.
At first, Aemilia felt nothing, just a blankness as she stared at the shiny object that gently refracted the dim candlelight around them. Deafening silence permeated the room as her vision truly began to focus in on it. Then, Frigga's words and their implications hit her like a strike from Mjolnir. He was still looking for the right time to present it to you.
A hazy vision suddenly filled her mind. She was lying in Loki's bed, wrapped in Loki's long lean arms. It was peaceful, morning light filtering through the dark green curtains. With a soft smirk, he lazily kissed her and she immediately fell into his embrace and smooth lips, only barely feeling him take her left hand and slip something onto her finger. When her eyes fluttered open, she glanced at her hand to find the ring shining up at her. "Aemilia," he breathily began, his green eyes piercing into hers, "Would you be my Queen?"
With a pained gasp it all came crashing on top of her, and she was suddenly back in Frigga's chambers and reality. A reality with no Loki. Her right hand flew to her mouth in shock, green and brown eyes frozen on the ring.
Frigga used that reaction to slowly begin speaking again. "I had never seen Loki so…radiant when he explained his intentions to me. He said that it had been quite the task to find the right stone. It's very rare, from the─"
"─Caves of Nornheim," Aemilia whispered. It was the very stone Dagr attempted to imitate in his gift to her during their courtship; the one that took on any color it was near, no matter the shade.
This was truly too much to process. Despite all that they had gone through, a part of Aemilia was still stuck in how their relationship began. She never truly thought that Loki would ever feel anything substantial for her, and when they finally exchanged confessions of love, she was utterly content, accepting the fact that their relationship would never officially go much farther than that. Then that thought had only been solidified at Loki's blatant distaste to the idea of having to marry her for the sake of the baby and its legitimacy. That was just Loki, and she had accepted that. Then with the horrid way they parted the night before…
Out of everything that could've been in that little bag, she had never expected this.
She jumped at Frigga's soft touch on her knee, and when she looked up, they were no longer in the Queen's chambers, but her own. Frigga sadly smiled before saying, "I will give you some time to yourself before I collect you for the service tonight." She stood and turned, but Aemilia grabbed her hand to stop her.
When the elder woman turned back around, Aemilia embraced her with everything she had, burning tears straining behind clenched eyelids. "Thank you," she whispered again for what seemed like the hundredth time that night. Frigga mirrored her expression and kissed her cheek.
And then she vanished.
A few minutes after Frigga left, Aemilia finally broke down again, crumpling into a heap on her bed, ring still clutched tightly in her hand. All of the frustration, all of the sorrow, confusion, pain, heartbreak just burst through, and she could no longer contain her cries. It was the worst pain, physical or emotional, she'd ever experienced, and somewhere in her mind she wondered if she could ever feel normal again.
At one point she cried Loki's name, her voice cracking and shrill with the devastating grief that ripped through her body. Tears streamed down her stained cheeks, and her fingers were knotted in her hair, painfully tugging at the roots. Her breath came in quick, strained gasps that Aemilia felt might be similar to drowning. Her ribs protested as her body continued to heave sob after sob, but she couldn't bring herself to stop no matter how hard she tried.
The only thing that got through to her was when she faintly felt the little ring slip from her grasp. A flash of panic caused her to sit up, the idea of losing the ring horrifying, and she frantically dug through the sheets until she found it again, causing her to exhale in relief. Her cries paused from her momentary panic, she stared at the ring again through clouded eyes. Then, for the first time, she slipped it onto her finger. It fit perfectly.
The image of it gracefully sitting atop her finger both entranced and dispelled her. It was so small yet meant so much, but in the end didn't change anything at all. Loki was still dead. And even though she was grateful for Frigga and Thor's presence, she had never endured such excruciating loneliness before.
Eventually, Aemilia saw the lack of light coming from her window and realized how little time she had before Frigga returned. She made haste to get dressed and quickly gave up the effort. It took her a few tries to channel the energy, but eventually she waved a flowing black dress on and spelled her hair to cooperate into an elegant twist at the crown of her head. She watched as the glamour spell took hold. It did its job bringing color to her cheeks and perfecting her makeup. She looked beautiful, but it did not, however, cure the dull, lifeless look in her once vibrant eyes. She then reached for the golden, horned arm band on her dresser and fastened it on, fingers slowly tracing the cool metal.
Sighing once at her reflection, she turned to her desk, no longer able to avoid the surely difficult search for some sort of representation of Loki to bring to the memorial. Once the locked box was open, Aemilia froze to her spot.
She had never quite comprehended exactly how much she had saved from her relationship with Loki. There were journal entries she'd written, multiple portraits, the rock from the spring…and sitting on top: Two roses. The one he'd presented her with after her opera debut, and the one he'd given her after they lost the baby. Tentatively she picked the latter up. There were three blossoms, two fully and eternally bloomed and one merely a bud. When Loki had given it to her, it had served as a type of representation of their little family. The biggest was Loki, followed by Aemilia, and the little one represented their unborn child.
With a catch of breath and a horrid pang in her heart, it dawned on Aemilia that she was the only one left.
She shakily exhaled and placed that rose back in the box and picked up the single one. She just couldn't bring herself to let go of the other.
"Aemilia."
Aemilia nearly jumped out of her skin at the sudden sound of Frigga's voice behind her. She whipped around with a wide look in her eyes, and Frigga immediately apologized. The Queen of Asgard looked absolutely graceful and regal as ever, dressed in a black gown as well. The normally highly adorned woman wore not one piece of jewelry aside from a golden brooch. At a closer glance, Aemilia saw the image of a horned helm embossed into the gold.
"Are you ready, dear?"
Glancing once more at the three blossoms in the box, a single tear escaped her right eye. Her voice cracked once when she replied, "As I'll ever be."
Traditionally, a funeral of a royal is an event that involves the entire kingdom of Asgard. Every man, woman, and child gathers at the water, a lantern in hand, to watch the body of their fallen ruler drift across the water into Valhalla and pay their respects. Though sad, it was a beautiful event for all Asgardians to come together as one.
Needless to say, this was a completely different situation.
It was a dark, quiet night, the only noise a soft breeze that occasionally brushed the women's skirts and men's capes. The only source of light were a few lit torches spaced sporadically around the area. An empty, lonely boat sat in the still water, surrounded by a solemn and silent Odin, Frigga, Thor, and Aemilia.
The family just stood there under the flickering light for an extended amount of time, unsure of where to begin and what to say. Minutes passed, and finally the All Father stepped forward, one of Loki's helms in his hands. He knelt down and placed it inside the boat, the fire light reflecting off one of the golden horns. He slowly stood with a potent silence before simply saying, "May Loki's tortured soul find peace in Valhalla."
An exhausted anger flared up in Aemilia for a moment before reality doused it. Her opinion of the King of Asgard was as negative as ever, and his emotionless words for his fallen son only worsened it.
With a quiet sigh and a sideways glance to Odin - which did not go unnoticed by Aemilia - Frigga stepped forward with a tattered piece of cloth in her arms, the chiffon of her dress hauntingly blowing behind her. She put the blanket up to her chest like an embrace. So quiet Aemilia had trouble hearing at first, she began, "My dear, sweet Loki. When your father brought you home to me, you were wrapped in this," her embrace on the blanket squeezed tighter, "so tiny and fragile. From the very first moment I held you, I loved you with all my heart, just as if you were my own. In my eyes, you always were." Her silver gaze hardened and voice sharpened. "My only regret in all my life is that I withheld the truth from you." Aemilia glanced at Odin, whose eyes were downcast. "I now realize that I should have told you from the very beginning…This horrid day could have been avoided." Her restraint started to waver along with her voice. "I am so sorry for robbing you of your future."
Aemilia's shaky breath caught in her throat when Frigga suddenly turned her head to lock regretful eyes on her. "It was a future that would've surely been a long, fruitful, and happy one." A flash of that hypothetical future invaded her mind before she could stop it, and Aemilia's throat painfully clenched, tears refusing to fall. There weren't any more.
The Queen eventually returned her attention to the softly swaying boat and gently placed the blanket by his helm. As she stood, she finished with "I love you, darling."
She returned to her place by Aemilia and tenderly placed a hand on Thor's armor-clad shoulder, urging him to step forward. His big blue eyes seemed unsure, but like the warrior he was, he took it in stride and approached the boat. As he moved, Aemilia vaguely noticed the horned emblem on the arm plates of his armor, similar to Frigga's brooch.
Thor's normally booming voice was reduced to a solemn, deep baritone. "Many years ago, back when we were young boys and inseparable, Mother had given you this toy scepter and helm. I had completely forgotten of these and how I had procured them until I found them today in an old box in my chambers. After going along with your games of playing your advisor for an hour or so, I took them from you as a jest." He took a prolonged pause, his blonde eyebrows gathering into a troubled expression. "A week ago I would have found it amusing, but now I only feel disgust with the realization that my ignorance and self-centeredness began at such a young age and only continued to progress as we grew up." Distaste and remorse was heavily laced in Thor's crestfallen speech. "I know my regret will fix nothing of what has occurred, but I will make sure you are remembered for what most never realized you were: my equal." The future king of Asgard than placed the toy scepter and helm in the boat and returned to his post in between his mother and father.
A chilling shiver of dread and nervousness trilled down Aemilia's spine. It was her turn.
Each step felt like a mile, and the ringing in her ears was so loud she hardly noticed Frigga's encouraging hand on the small of her back, urging her forward. Her vision fixated on the little boat while everything around it became a blur. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she felt faint little wisps of fingertips around her, as if Loki was there, eloquently challenging her to be brave.
Maybe he was really there. Maybe she was going insane. Either way, it gave her enough courage to speak. "You were always so strong, in both will and presence," she paused, humorlessly laughing to herself, "that even though our time together was fairly short, you were one of the only constants in my life. Despite our problems, one way or another, you were there."
She swallowed heavily, focusing on the reflection of the flickering lights on his helm. "I never imagined I would be in this situation, where I can only speak to your memory, because you are gone." By that point, Aemilia's nerves had dissipated. It didn't eliminate any of her pain, or loss, or regret, but it was helping her begin the long journey to closure. She paid the people around her no mind. This was just Aemilia and Loki, one-sided as it was.
"I think back on the person I was before I met you, and I can no longer recognize her. You made me realize who I really was, what I wanted, what I felt, what I longed for. And I think, or hope, I might've awakened the same in you." Her voice started to waver. "Despite what you believed, I could always see the real you underneath your magic and false smiles. You felt more deeply than anyone I've ever known." As she spoke, happy memories of him flitted across her mind, "I saw it when you thought no one else was watching, when you laughed with Thor, when you spoke of your mother." She paused for moment before continuing, tears finally returning to fall again, "and I saw it in your eyes when you realized that someone really could fall into the deepest of love with you."
She smiled through her tears and cracking voice, her love for him as real as her sorrow for losing him, "The truth is, I've never loved anyone more than I've loved you. Even though our future has been stolen from us, I can still see what could have been as clear as day, and even though I would give anything to experience those things with you," her right hand subconsciously twiddled with the shimmering ring on her left, "I am still grateful for the time we did have together."
A small choked sob leapt from her throat. "I'm so sorry, Loki. I wish I could go back to make you realize all you had to live for, and that you were never alone." She crouched and placed the rose on top of the blanket. Her voice barely above a whisper, she continued, "I love you, more than I think you ever had a chance to realize." She futilely wiped at her stinging tears before standing and returned to her place by Frigga.
The elder woman looked at her with a sad smile and comfortingly squeezed her hand, but Aemilia couldn't bear to meet her eyes. She was too focused on Thor releasing the boat to float towards the abyss.
Not one sound was heard for a very long time as the boat slowly made its long journey. Images and memories played through Aemilia's mind as the boat drifted, but one peaceful moment in particular constantly returned to the forefront of her mind.
Her voice slightly out of practice and shaky, she quietly sang to herself.
Silence all your lonely cries
Sleep until your tears are dry
Darling, you'll find peace in time
As I sing this lullaby
She felt Frigga turn slightly, clearly listening, but Aemilia paid her no mind. All she could do was to keep singing as the constant stream of tears descended down her cheeks.
Though I'm leaving you, my child
I long to stay right by your side
And when you wake here all alone
Remember this sweet lullaby
As the melody built, Aemilia slowly felt herself lose control, and small sobs intertwined with whatever melody she managed to get out.
And our love through darkness
Don't forget to keep believing
With love forlorn
In love we'll find our way
My love
She paused for an extended amount of time before continuing, her voice barely above a whisper.
This solemn day has turned to dark
I leave you, dear, with heavy heart
When I return, with you, I'll lie
And I will sing this lullaby
Yes, I will sing this lullaby
When she finally finished, the boat was no more than a small speck in the distance. She still felt Frigga's - and maybe even Thor's - stares at her display, but she kept her eyes toward the water. Eventually, their stares dissipated, and Frigga conjured an elegantly carved bow and arrow and aimed it into the sky towards the boat. Aemilia was not necessarily surprised that the Queen was capable of archery, but somehow the fact that she would be lighting the pyre, it made the cloud of darkness over the entire ceremony even gloomier. Frigga merely blinked and fire erupted onto the tip of the arrow.
Aemilia slightly reared back at the sudden dry heat licking at her face.
It was all so surreal to witness Frigga, face calm and expressionless, release the arrow into the night sky with a faint thump. The arrow cut through the air like a knife towards its awaiting target.
The boat burst into flames the moment it landed, and the faint sound of crackling could be heard as the contents burned.
As Aemilia watched, she felt as if a part of her soul burned away with it.
Hello, all! Midnightwings96 here.
Sorry for the slow update...I've been doing a lot of extra research on the Thor universe, and needless to say, I took my time with this chapter. This wasn't exactly an easy point to just pick it up, but Team Damon has helped so much keeping me motivated and to not worry so darn much about trying to fill her incredibly vast shoes.
I also want to give a big THANK YOU to ALL of you kind reviewers for your support of Team Damon's situation and my change in position. Not all were quite so welcoming, but most of you have been so kind, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. Without your support, I probably would not have even had the courage to start writing.
So, it's probably obvious that I am SO ANXIOUS/EXCITED/NERVOUS/DESPERATE to see what you all thought! So review and let me know what you thought! I'll be collaborating with Team Damon on her plan for the next chapter soon!
Thanks and much love,
Midnightwings96